Unscathed
by FanficwriterGHC
Summary: "If Tyson wants to play, he can play with her. Alexis will come out of this intact if it's the last thing Kate Beckett does." Season 4 AU. TW for violence, assault, recovery, and mature themes.
1. Chapter 1

**Unscathed**

**Disclaimer: I have no ownership of **_**Castle**_**, its various spin-off materials, or characters. **

**Summary: "**If Tyson wants to play, he can play with her. Alexis will come out of this intact if it's the last thing Kate Beckett does." Season 4 AU. TW for violence, assault, and mature themes.

**A/N: This story contains mature themes, including semi-graphic depictions of violence and various forms of assault.**

* * *

**Chapter 1:**

It's strained between them now. The sound of _fun and uncomplicated_ rings in her ears every time she so much as looks at his chair. He's given up on her, and she doesn't know why.

And it hurts.

It hurts. Here she is, tipping on the edge of blurting it out the next time they see each other, and he's flaunting flight attendants and flying to Vegas for the weekend. She looks over at his chair, empty in the middle of the day. He's writing, which is code for avoiding.

He's avoiding her.

He's avoiding her and he won't tell her why. Doesn't have the decency to just out and say 'I'm done waiting, Beckett.'

Because she thought he was, waiting. She thought—well, it doesn't really matter, does it? He's made his decision. He's moving on, moving up, kissing flight attendants and being an ass.

Fine.

She goes to take a sip of her coffee, and it's cold.

It's cold, because he hasn't been here, keeping her in coffee and laughing and—and—no.

No, it's not fine.

This ends now. If she's ready to say she remembers, ready to give him those three little words, then she can damn well give this whole stupid thing the end it deserves. If he's leaving her, he's at least going to let her say her damn piece first.

She's up and grabbing her jacket before the guys even notice, storming out and down the stairs. Waiting for the elevator would take too long.

She's a block from his apartment before it even occurs to her that he could be…entertaining.

She pauses there on the sidewalk, glancing up the street to his building, then back the way she came. Should she—she could call? But no, no, he didn't call before he went off for the weekend, before he just stopped dropping by. She doesn't owe him…

Hell, she owes him so much.

She waffles there on the street, hands twisting together. God, she doesn't even have her gun. She just up and left.

Her gun. She's not going to shoot him. Well, she could…

"No!"

She turns at the sound.

"Get the hell off of me! No! Help! _Help_!"

She knows that voice. Why does she know that voice?

She spins around, searching for the screamer and glances down the alley next to her. There's a truck parked halfway down it, a man dragging a shrieking young woman toward the open hatch-back. A red-haired—that's _Alexis_.

"Stop!" Kate yells, taking off down the alley at a sprint. "Stop, Police!" she adds, scrabbling at her belt. _She doesn't have her gun_.

The man looks up at her approach and immediately holds out his own gun, his face twisting into a demonic grin. She knows him. That's Jerry Tyson.

The 3XK is abducting Alexis Castle.

Hell no.

"Not one step closer, Detective," he says calmly, the barrel of his gun aimed straight at her chest.

She feels her breath hitch. She will not have a panic attack when Alexis Castle is in danger.

"Let her go, Jerry," Kate says calmly, keeping her hand behind her back, holding onto the illusion of her gun.

"Jerry?" Alexis questions. "Like—like—"

"Shut up," he snaps, his arm tightening around her neck.

Kate takes a step toward them and he turns the gun on Alexis, resting it at her temple. Kate watches the girl's eyes widen in panic.

"Not one more step, Detective." She opens her mouth to yell. "And don't make a sound. You're going to walk back out of this alley, and go tell her precious Daddy that I've taken his little girl."

"No," Kate says steadily. "You're going to let her go, or I'll blow your head off."

"Oh yeah? Show me your gun."

She feels her face pale, Alexis' eyes pleading with her. She doesn't have a gun to show.

"What's this? Just out taking a leisurely stroll? Too bad. I bet you could have saved her," he taunts, digging the gun into Alexis' skin. The girl stifles a groan, fingers scrabbling feebly against his iron-clad grip around her neck. Just walk away, Detective," he instructs, looking proud and eager.

"No," she says.

He considers her for a moment. She tries to look like she has a plan. But she doesn't. Her phone is too deep in her pocket to grab, and she doesn't think he'd hesitate for even a second—would shoot Alexis dead if she so much as reached for it.

"All right then. Get in the truck," he decides.

"What?" Kate lets out.

"Toss your phone on the ground." She pauses. "Now."

With a heavy heart, she pulls out her phone and drops it onto the pavement, not enough time even to swipe the screen and press the emergency call button.

"Get in the truck," Tyson repeats. "I thought losing her would be enough, but without you there to comfort him, I think it'll be better, don't you? Rick Castle, all alone, his daughter gone, without his Detective to help him—all alone and abandoned."

Kate swallows. Oh God. That's what he'll think. He'll think she just up and left again. And Alexis…

"Get in the truck," he hisses.

Kate nods slowly. She doesn't—she doesn't have a plan. "If you put her in first."

Tyson laughs, a short, hollow sound. "You're in no place to negotiate, Kate," he says, his voice dripping victory. "Get in the truck, and I'll think about letting you live when we get there."

"Get where?" she asks as she slowly walks toward them, giving him a wide berth.

"That would be telling," he says with a grin, before his face tightens. "Get in the damn truck."

She glances up the alley, but the street is quiet, and she doesn't see any cameras. They're alone here. She swallows and turns, hoisting herself up and into the truck.

Tyson drags Alexis to the edge. "Help her up," he instructs, keeping the muzzle of the gun on her forehead as long as he can before releasing her and jamming it into the small of her back.

She'd be paralyzed if he shot.

And so Kate reaches down and takes Alexis' sweating, clammy palm, and helps her into the truck. She wraps her arms around the shaking teen, Tyson's grinning face the last thing she sees before he pulls the hatch down, plunging them into darkness. There's the sickening sound of a lock being clicked.

"Detective," Alexis whispers.

"I think you should call me Kate," Kate manages as the truck rattles, shaking as Tyson climbs into the cab.

Alexis lets out a half-laugh, half sob as the truck starts.

"We're going to be okay," she promises.

"Don't," Alexis lets out, her arms still tight around Kate's. "You can't promise me that."

"No," she agrees. "But I can damn well try to live up to it. We're getting you home to your dad."

The truck jolts forward and they stumble back together. Kate pulls Alexis to the side and drags them both to the ground. "Keep your head…" Shit, she doesn't know what to do. Do they hold their heads against the wall of the truck, or not? Do they lie down—what's going to be safest?

"Hang on to me," she decides, putting her arm around Alexis' shoulders, so if they do jolt, she'll hit Kate's arm. What Kate will do for herself, she's not sure. "Plant your feet flat, try and push against the wall with your back, keep us steady."

Alexis does as she's told and they bump along. In a truck—they're going to leave the island, Kate's sure. But to where?

"Do you have your phone?" Kate asks.

Alexis shakes her head. "I—I was just going to get groceries," she says.

"Was your dad home?" Kate asks eagerly. If he was—if he was, he'll notice. He'll notice when Alexis doesn't come home. He'll freak out. She knows him. At least, she knows that about him.

"No," Alexis lets out solemnly. "He was out. Went out to write, I think. I wanted to make him dinner, because he's been…" she peters off.

He's been off. God, maybe if Kate hadn't done…whatever's made him act like this, he'd have been home with his kid, and he'd have noticed when Alexis didn't come home. Hell, maybe if he'd been with Kate, Alexis wouldn't have left the house, and Tyson wouldn't have had his opportunity.

No. She has to stop. Blaming herself at this point isn't productive. Right now, they need a plan.

They try yelling for help each time they stop, but their voices are lost to the din of the city. He's taking very crowded streets as they start and stop, to make sure no one hears their pleas, she's sure.

"Why does he want to make dad pay?" Alexis asks after thirty minutes of futile yelling in which Kate comes up with absolutely nothing to save them.

Kate sighs. "Because your dad figured out who he was just before he pistol whipped Ryan and left him tied up. Your dad figured out why he kills—something about his mom. And it…made Tyson angry."

"Was that the night he told Gram he loved her?" Alexis wonders.

"Yeah," Kate agrees. "I—but he was okay. I thought—well, I was wrong."

"Yeah," Alexis agrees, her voice colder.

That's fine. She can blame Kate. That's just fine. As long as they get her back to Castle, Alexis can blame Kate for 9/11, for the Cold War, for the Big Bang. As long as they get her home.

"Did Castle say when he'd be home?" Kate wonders after another long stretch of bumps, a few bangs of Alexis' head against her arm.

"Maybe 5pm," Alexis offers.

Kate glances at her watch. Three hours. Oh God. He's not going to realize she's missing until eleven or so. They're—they're on their own.

The truck makes a sharp curve and her head hits the metal wall, hard. She curses, feels Alexis turn to look at her as she brings her head up and blearily opens her eyes. Shit. She can't start this thing with a concussion. Not if she wants to…what, disarm him from the back of the truck when he opens the door?

"You okay?"

"I think so," Kate admits.

"Here." Alexis gets her arm over Kate's shoulders, giving her something to slam into as they round the next curve. "Sorry," Alexis adds.

"No," Kate says quickly. "No, it's fine. I'm fine."

"Are you?" Alexis asks.

Kate turns her head and looks at the girl, pale and terrified. She's seventeen. Kate feels it like a punch to the gut. She's seventeen. Her whole life is ahead of her, her graduation just under two months away. She has college and love and life to look forward to, and this—this moment in this truck with Kate—this could change everything.

Kate can't let that happen.

"I'm fine," Kate tells her, steeling her voice with conviction. Because at the end of this, she may not be fine, but she will do everything she can to make sure that Alexis comes out unscathed. That the worst she'll need to endure is a few years of therapy.

If Tyson wants to play, he can play with Kate. She's damaged already, a little more won't change her. But Alexis—Alexis doesn't need to carry that weight.

Kate lost her innocence at nineteen. Alexis will keep hers.

The truck comes to a halt and they listen as the door to the cab opens, as the truck shifts and Tyson climbs out.

Alexis will come out of this intact if it's the last thing Kate Beckett does.


	2. Chapter 2

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 2:**

"Put these on her."

Kate swallows, stooping to pick up the zip ties Tyson tosses into the truck, his gun leveled on Alexis. They're in front of a tiny log cabin, and from what she can see around it, they're in the middle of bumble-fuck nowhere.

"Sorry," she says softly as Alexis holds her wrists together.

Kate quickly closes the tie around the teen's pale, shaking wrists, pulling tight. They can't break their way out, not while Tyson has that gun. He'll shoot one of them in an instant. She can't face Castle and tell him Alexis is dead, and she's rather sure Alexis won't recover if Tyson kills someone in front of her.

"Now yourself."

Kate looks to Tyson. "What?"

"Tie yourself. She can pull it tight with her teeth."

Kate and Alexis exchange looks. Damn. Kate was hoping he'd just tie Alexis—which was an idiotic expectation. She needs to get herself together.

She clumsily holds one end of the long zip-tie and wraps the other around her wrist. Alexis reaches out with her tied hands, and together they manage to secure the tie, incapacitating Kate to the fullest.

Well shit.

"Out of the truck, ladies," Tyson simpers. "Beckett first."

Kate glances at Alexis and does as she's told, watching as Tyson holds the gun on her as she hops down and stumbles. Alexis follows, a little steadier on her feet. She looks so small, in jeans and a light tee shirt, her hair in a messy braid. She's just a _kid_.

"Walk," Tyson directs, bumping the gun again into Alexis' spine, and indicating for Kate to walk ahead of them toward the house.

She feels so helpless. She can't fight, she can't yell. She turns her head, searching. They're on about an acre of land, at a small, single-story log cabin, surrounded by forest. The drive behind them looks long and winding. It certainly felt that way in the truck.

They're screwed.

"In," Tyson commands as she stumbles up the steps and onto the porch.

She looks over her shoulder, meets Alexis' eyes with what she hopes is confidence, and turns the doorknob.

The inside of the house is dismal. A small kitchen across from the door, a sitting room to the side and one room off the kitchen that must be a bedroom. It's dark and dank, hardly ever used, she thinks. There are cobwebs across the rafters on the ceiling, molding dirty dishes in the sink.

"To your left, Detective," Tyson commands.

She turns and opens a door, swallowing hard at the sight of a flight of narrow dark stairs. Alexis stumbles into her back and Kate shudders. This…is the start of a very bad horror film.

She reaches up the wall and finds a light switch. The iron door at the bottom of the stairs does little to dull her impending feeling of terror.

She feels as Tyson bumps the gun into Alexis—the jolt that passes from the girl and into her own body.

She descends, slowly, careful with her unsteady feet. Shit, she really did a number on her head. She reaches and awkwardly turns the handle of the door, noting the hatch in the middle—to give them food. Shit.

Tyson pushes them through the doorway and they tumble inside, falling into an awkward pile of limbs in the middle of what Kate realizes is a single toilet bathroom. There's a lone, too-narrow window at the very top of the wall, illuminating the space with dim light from under the porch.

There's a toilet, a sink, and a single roll of toilet paper. And nothing else.

"Here's how it's going to go," Tyson begins, lounging in the doorway as Kate fumbles to help Alexis to her feet.

They huddle together. It's already cold, and it's the middle of the day.

"I'm going to go make some calls while you settle in here. Get acquainted with your new home."

"So you're just leaving us here?" Alexis pipes up as he turns to leave.

He revolves, his face dangerous, eyes wide—the picture of insanity unhinged.

"That's right, Miss Castle. I'm just leaving you here. If you play nice, you might get some food tomorrow. If you don't, well," he scratches his nose with the muzzle of his gun. "I guess we'll see, won't we?"

Alexis steps closer to Kate and together they watch as Tyson steps back and closes the door with a bang. Kate hears a lock click. There isn't one on the inside of the door. It locks from the outside. Like a prison door.

They listen as he traipses back up the steps, and then the sliver of light beneath the door goes out. He slams the door at the top of the stairs, and they're alone.

Kate spins around, looking for something, anything, to help them get out of here. But the sink can't be dismantled without tools, the toilet is no help, and unless they get really creative, that roll of toilet paper is no use.

"What do we do?" Alexis whispers.

Kate turns back and meets the girl's eyes in the dim light. Soon, it'll be pitch black, and freezing. And they're down here for the night.

"Okay," Kate manages, squeezing her eyes shut, thinking. "Okay. Zip ties. Tighten it at much as you can, and maneuver the clasp between your hands."

Alexis nods, and they both take a few seconds to situate their ties.

"Now bring your hands up over your head, and slam them down, elbows just beyond your waist, like this." Kate demonstrates, flinging her arms down toward her stomach, her elbows brushing her waist as they sail past her body. The tie snaps between her wrists and falls to the floor.

Alexis nods and does the same as Kate rubs at her wrists. The tie on Alexis' snaps and the teen smiles at her. Kate immediately steps forward, inspecting the girl's wrists, turning her to feel the small of her back.

"You okay?"

Alexis blinks, turning back to look at her. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks."

Kate nods, squeezing her shoulder before moving to the door. There's no handle. She sighs and drops her head, a hand planted in the middle of the door.

"Okay, we're down here for the night," she says softly. She looks up and meets Alexis' eyes. "You should drink something."

"What?" Alexis says.

"From the sink. Don't want to get dehydrated."

Alexis bobs her head, then glances at the toilet. "I—"

"Go ahead," Kate says, trying to look reassuring. "I'll stand in the corner, eyes closed."

Alexis considers her. "Hands in your ears?"

"Sure," Kate offers, giving her a strained smile.

They used to be so comfortable with each other. Well, at least she thought they were, back before her shooting. Little Castle was always so warm and happy. And yes, the situation is different, but this could be less awkward. This should be less awkward. She should be able to give the kid a hug.

She moves to the corner and plugs her ears, turning to face the wall and humming. She faintly hears Alexis laugh a little. Kate then turns her mind off, counting to get her heart rate down, to control her breathing. She's still jittery from the sight of Tyson's .45. But she needs to be calm. She can't let her stupid PTSD get in the way. He's not an assasin, he's just a maniac. And they're going to get out of this, somehow.

(…)

She can hear Alexis' teeth chattering.

"Alexis," she whispers.

They're both huddled against the wall, too cold to sleep prone on the floor. The girl is a few feet away. It's pitch black, but Kate's eyes have adjusted a bit; Alexis' form is a hazy lump to her left.

"Cold," Alexis admits.

"Come here," Kate insists, listening as Alexis hesitates, then shuffles over until their shoulders connect. Kate wraps a tentative arm over the girl's shoulders. Alexis tenses, but slowly relaxes, resting her head against Kate's shoulder.

"Have you slept?" Alexis asks.

"No," Kate admits.

Alexis nods. "Do you think Dad's noticed I'm missing?" she asks a few mintues later.

Kate glances at her watch, but realizes she can't read it in the dark—the face too old to have an LED light. "Probably," she says. It must be past midnight now. "I'm sure he's worried sick."

Alexis sighs. "He's going to go crazy."

"I know," Kate says. "I know."

"And—Esposito and Ryan will help, right? They'll notice you're gone too."

"Maybe," Kate hedges. It's unusual for her to leave without a word, but they didn't have a case today. It could take a bit. She doubts Castle will ask after her if she's not there, and not answering her phone.

"Dad'll figure out you're missing too," Alexis decides.

"Will he?" Kate says, the thought coming free.

Alexis shifts. Kate figures she's looking up at her, though she can't see. "Why do you say that?"

"Your dad hasn't been around much these past few weeks," Kate admits. "Writing," she adds feebly.

Alexis scoffs. "Right." They're silent for a few minutes. "You could have called him."

"Hmm?" Kate manages, her throat suddenly tight.

"If you want him around, you should call him," Alexis explains.

Kate feels her chest unclench. She doesn't mean this past summer, just these past few weeks. "I…got the impression the 12th wasn't really his cup of tea right now," Kate tells her. "Didn't want to bother him."

"Please," Alexis says, her voice a bit harder. "If you're unhappy with dad's behavior, you should tell him. It can't always be his job to come crawling back."

Kate stills and takes a deep breath. "You're right," she decides. "But he has to want to come back in the first place."

"You—seriously? You seriously think dad's, what? Over you?" Alexis lets out, her voice above the careful whisper they've kept. She pulls away, her knee still brushing Kate's, but her shoulders free.

"He—there was a flight attendant," Kate tells her, feeling suddenly defensive. "An uncomplicated flight attendant."

"Oh my God," Alexis lets out. Kate figures she's in for it. "Really?"

Oh. "Ah, yeah. Sorry? That may be breaking your dad's confidence a little?"

"He really…jeez. That's just sad," Alexis mumbles. "But it—but it's still not okay. He may be bad at it, but he's—you hurt him. You can't expect him to just keep getting knocked down."

"I know," Kate says softly. "I didn't mean to. I don't even know—I don't know what I did. I mean, I know. But I don't know," she mumbles. She's not sure if it's the phantom image of Alexis' glare, or the possible head injury, but she's feeling small, inadequate, inarticulate.

"You don't…I'm sorry. You don't know what you did?"

"No," Kate tells her honestly. "Your dad just started acting strange. And I get that he's mad, I think. Or upset. I don't—you know, he's called me hard to read, but he's pretty tight-lipped when he wants to be."

Alexis lets out a small sound of disbelief. "You don't know," she repeats.

"I—I've already, well I thought I explained about the summer. He could be mad about that. A little late, but I guess," she stammers. God, she shouldn't be talking about this with Alexis.

Then again, what else are they going to do?

"You don't think lying is enough?" Alexis asks, her voice cold. "You want to add the not calling too?"

Lying? Ly—shit. Oh, oh, no. "Alexis," she starts, feeling her chest pulling, a flare of pain around her scar. "What do you mean, lying?"

"Seriously?"

"Seriously," Kate says firmly. "I didn't say anything to your dad about lying about anything."

"You…didn't?"

"No," she says. "Who told you this was about lying?"

"Gram," Alexis mumbles. "She said dad had…oh."

"Had what?" Kate urges. Yes, they're trapped. Yes, there is a serial killer above them, but in this moment, nothing matters more than figuring out just what the hell is wrong with Castle.

"That dad overhead something, and you'd been lying. But I didn't realize that he hadn't told you about it. I thought—I thought you'd told him you heard him say he loved you."

"He told you about that?" pops out before Kate can stop it.

"Gram did," Alexis admits after a moment. "But you remember."

"I do," Kate admits, to the wrong Castle, in a basement, with a maniac above them. "I have since the beginning. But I—I was scared, and I made a stupid choice, and I didn't know how to undo it the longer it got."

"So you've been too scared to tell him, and he found out anyway, and got fed up?"

"Yeah," Kate manages. That's exactly what must have happened. But why didn't he just _tell_ her?

Hah. That's rich, she thinks. She can't be mad for his not telling her, not after what she did, can she?

But still. If she could have just explained…

"Why didn't you tell him?" Alexis asks softly.

"When?"

"After you got back. I get…I mean, I don't get it, but gunshot wound kind of earns you clemency, you know?"

Kate lets out a startled laugh. "I guess."

"But when you came back, and got him to go back to the precinct. Why didn't you tell him? What were you so scared of then?"

Kate peers through the blackness toward the sound of her partner's kid's voice. Alexis. Smart, lovely, bright Alexis.

One of them should know, at least. If she doesn't make it out of this, at least Alexis could tell him.

"Your dad—your dad is the best thing that's ever happened to me," she admits, the words tumbling out, words that have been sitting on her tongue for months as she healed, as she tried to get better, to be better, for him, for them, for his kid. "And I guess I wanted to be less…screwed up, so we could—so when we tried, I was well enough to go the distance. I think it would kill me to fail him. I guess I already have."

She looks back at the floor. "I didn't mean to hurt him," she adds. "I just didn't want to—because I do. I feel the same. But I couldn't lead him on, and I wanted to be ready when I told him. I didn't just want to give him a false start."

"You love my dad?" Alexis whispers.

Kate laughs out a hollow sound. "Yeah."

"Oh my God," Alexis mumbles. "You guys are awful."

"What?"

"You really think he wouldn't have forgiven you if you'd said, 'hey, I heard you in the cemetery, and I got scared, but I love you too. Wanna get married and ride off into the sunset'?"

Kate coughs. "Um."

"Okay, not like that," Alexis says, giggling a little. "But—why didn't you just say something?"

"I didn't know he knew," Kate protests. "If I'd known that was why, I would have, but he just…gave up. I get it now. Well," she adds. "No, I guess I don't?"

"Gram says he thinks you don't feel the same way," Alexis explains, sounding over-patient, like Kate might be a bit dense. But give her a break, she just found out her partner's been…wait.

"What?" she gasps.

"Well, you didn't tell him, and he found out in an investigation," Alexis offers.

"But I—he thinks—your dad is an idiot," Kate manages.

"Takes one to know one."

"Thanks," Kate mumbles, covering her face with her hands. "Oh God. No wonder he's been weird."

"Yeah," Alexis agrees, scooting back to sit next to her.

"Damnit," Kate murmurs. "I—"

"I think starting with 'I love you,' will probably do pretty well," Alexis says cheekily.

"Okay, Lindsay Lohan," Kate grumbles. "I get it."

Alexis laughs and leans into her. "I'm sorry," she says a few minutes later.

"Why?"

"Because I may have fed the fire. I didn't know. So, I'm sorry."

"Hey no," Kate says quickly. "Your dad is your first priority. I'd do the same. You don't have to check facts to hate a woman for him. You just hate her."

"I never _hated_ you," Alexis says. Kate waits. "Okay, a little. But you've done so much good stuff for him too, for us. I just—I don't like it when he's like this."

"I know," Kate says, patting Alexis' leg. "I'm sorry."

"Don't," Alexis says softly. "You faced down the 3XK for me."

"Didn't do much good," Kate says with a sigh.

"Yeah, but better with two," Alexis decides, wrapping her arm through Kate's. "Warmer with two."

"Yeah," Kate agrees, shifting to put her arm back over the girl's shoulders. "Let's get home to your dad."

"Deal," Alexis mumbles into her shoulder.


	3. Chapter 3

**Unscathed**

**A/N: This story contains mature themes, including semi-graphic depictions of violence and various forms of assault. **

* * *

**Chapter 3:**

She wakes to the sound of the door opening. She blinks up as light from the stairwell floods the room. As soon as it does, she tenses. Tyson stands there in the doorway, his gun leveled lazily on her head.

She squeezes Alexis' shoulder and feels the girl stir, feels her corresponding horror as she realizes just where they are, and who's standing in the doorway.

"Morning, ladies," he says, his voice jovial. "Sleep well?"

Together, she and Alexis haul their way up the wall. She pulls Alexis slightly behind her and backs them into the far corner, as far away as they can get.

"What's your plan here, Tyson?" she asks.

He cocks his head, peering at her. "Like that's going to work," he offers. "I thought I should give you your food for the next week. Start the day off right with breakfast," he continues.

She watches with dread as he tosses a single loaf of white bread into the center of the room. It lands without falling out of its plastic bag, devoid of even a twist tie.

"Eat slowly," he cautions with a grin, before turning and slamming the door.

She supposes it's a blessing he didn't do anything else. But how long will that hold?

"Thank God," Alexis mumbles, moving out from behind Kate to grab the bag. "We should live, right? A week on this? We get a piece a day."

"A piece and a half for you," Kate counters. "I'll be fine."

Alexis gives her a sardonic look. "Because you're superwoman?"

"Because I'm the adult, and I say so," Kate tosses back.

Alexis lets out a dark laugh. "Some adult you are."

"Excuse me?"

"Afraid to say I love you. Who are you, Rory Gilmore?"

Kate just stares, watching as Alexis reaches in and pulls out a piece of bread. She—but—really? Really, after what she's put her father through, the girl is able to joke like that?

"What?" Alexis mumbles around the piece. "I get punchy without food."

"Apparently," Kate mutters, walking over to take half a piece. She's honestly not sure how much she can stomach at this point. She's queasy. Which, thinking about head injuries, isn't a good thing.

She watches Alexis eat, notes the tension in the young woman's frame. It makes her think of Castle—Castle who's never denied Kate her coping mechanisms. Castle who gets punchy when he's scared. Alexis must be terrified. Kate is.

But nothing is going to happen to Alexis. She'll make sure of it.

Oh, God, eating was not a good idea.

She bolts toward the toilet. Her knees hit the hard cement floor and she loses the little bit of bread she'd swallowed. She coughs, the room spinning beneath her. She feels Alexis grabbing her hair and holding it back.

She rests her cheek against the toilet seat and grimaces. At least they're already dirty. She just needs the room to stop spinning, so she can stand up and stoop to get some water in her mouth from the sink.

"You really hit your head," Alexis says softly.

"Yeah," Kate croaks. "Shit."

"Okay. We should…you shouldn't have slept, right? I should have woken you up. God, I—"

"No," she manages, struggling back to her feet. "I'm fine. I'll be okay. I've had worse."

Alexis' eyes flit to her chest. Kate nods and turns, rinsing her mouth a few times before forcing down a little water.

"Drink," she tells Alexis.

Alexis eyes her critically before doing as she's told. They can do this. She just…needs to sit down.

Kate stumbles over and collapses against the wall. She watches blearily as Alexis follows suit. At least there's nothing to make her concussion worse—no reading, no writing, no heavy cognitive work.

They sit quietly together for a long time, the bread tossed into the far corner, Alexis's shoulder pressed to Kate's.

"We're really screwed, aren't we?" Alexis whispers a few hours later.

"Yeah," Kate admits, reaching out and taking her hand. "We are."

(…)

He's not worried, really. So she went out last night and didn't leave a note, and it's going on 9am. He's pissed, but he's not worried.

It's not like her to not leave a note.

Then again, she's been out all night before. With Lanie, no less. And he hasn't exactly been reachable, out writing. He's been off all week.

Still.

He sighs and gets up from his desk. He'd brought pizza home for them to share last night, to try and get himself out of his funk. Jacinda—Jacinda didn't do it. Well, more, he couldn't do it.

He wanders into the kitchen, scrubbing a hand over his face. He was just hoping to have pizza with his kid after a pointless afternoon spent at the Old Haunt. It didn't help that he sat in their booth. It's not the same without—

No, he's not going to think about…her.

Last night was about his baby girl, who's growing up too fast and leaving the nest.

But she's not home.

And he just feels…off. Something is just so off. It's not like her to not come home, especially without telling him. But he's sure…well, he's sure she just forgot, caught up with Paige.

But he called Paige's parents, and she wasn't there. Paige was at a slumber party though, and her mom thought Alexis might be with her. But she would have told him, right?

Where is she?

He pulls out his phone. He's called a few times, but it's gone straight to—

Her phone is on the counter. How did he not notice that her phone is on the counter?

She wouldn't have left without her phone, would she?

Something in his stomach bottoms out. She's been gone all night, and he's been telling himself not to jump to stupid conclusions, his "writer's mind," playing tricks again.

But the last time he thought it was a trick, he and his mother were nearly blown to bits in that bank.

Fuck it. He's calling her.

It rings. And rings. And goes to voicemail.

Damnit, Beckett.

He angrily taps on Esposito's photo. Kate—well, forget Kate, then.

"Yeah?"

He nearly growls. "Esposito, it's Castle."

"I know it is," Esposito says, clipped. "What do you want?"

Woah. "Um, I—"

"'Sito, Beckett's phone's down the street from Castle's place," he hears.

"What?" he asks.

"I have to go, Castle."

"No," he nearly shouts. "Alexis."

"What about Alexis?" Esposito grunts. He can hear the man moving, Ryan jabbering into his phone loudly next to him, snippets of "missing" and "GPS" and "backup."

"She's missing."

"What?" Well, that got his attention.

"She's—she didn't come home last night, and she doesn't have her phone on her, and I just…I have this awful feeling."

"We're coming by your place. Meet us down the block in ten," Espo says before clicking off.

What the hell? Why are they coming to his place? What does Beckett's phone have to do with his place?

He stomach twists painfully. No. There's just no way. Kate's just dodging his calls.

She has to be just dodging his calls.

(…)

"Kate," Alexis whispers.

Kate blinks her eyes open. She's slumped over on the floor, the cement oddly pleasant and cool beneath her cheek.

"It's been two hours," Alexis says apologetically.

Kate nods and slowly pulls herself back up to sit. "You okay?" she roughs out.

Alexis nods. "You?"

Kate sits quietly, assessing. "Yeah. A bit better maybe," she says.

"Well, that's good."

They turn as the door opens again. Tyson walks into the room, leaving the door open a crack, held there with a piece of pipe. He keeps his gun leveled on Alexis.

"You. In the middle of the room," he directs.

"No," Kate says, standing swiftly, a hand on the wall to hide her unsteady stance. "Me."

Tyson considers her. She watches as he toys with something in his pocket. "Okay, Detective," he decides. "Come here. You," he adds to Alexis, "in the corner."

Kate waits until Alexis follows orders, until she's safely in the corner of the room. Safe—an absurd notion—there's maybe five feet of space between the teen and Tyson. But it's better than the foot of space between Tyson and Kate.

He smiles at her, his face calm, the gun leveled at Alexis.

She doesn't have a plan, can't risk trying to disarm him. If she fails, Alexis will be dead. There's no use escaping if they don't get out together. She can't go home without her. She can't ever see Castle without bringing his daughter back. Hell, forget Castle. She'd never be able to see herself in a mirror if she doesn't bring Alexis back with her.

"Now, why did you volunteer?" Tyson asks, withdrawing a blade from his pocket.

Kate swallows but doesn't flinch. It's small. He's not going to kill her, not yet, at any rate.

"Why not let the girl take it? Your head's already suffering. You've been shot. She's young. She'll heal."

Kate thinks fast. This is her moment, if she's going to keep Alexis safe, this is her only chance.

"What's more fun?" she asks. She hears Alexis make a small sound in the corner. "Sending her home mutilated, or sending her home broken?" She just prays that Alexis won't take any of this to heart. That girl is going home whole.

"Broken? She looks perfectly fine to me," Tyson says, glancing at Alexis as he drags the flat edge of the blade, a pocket-knife, up Kate's neck. "You, though," he adds, carelessly flicking his wrist.

She withholds a hiss as the knife slices across her cheek—just a shallow graze, but damnit it stings.

"You're looking tattered already, Detective."

Kate forces her eyes open, forces herself to stand still, stoic. "Yeah, you could slice her up. But sending her home a shell? Traumatized? Making Castle watch her go through years of therapy, only to come out lonely and unable to trust on the other side? That sounds more up your alley to me."

Tyson takes a step back and stares at her. "Interesting, assuming she goes home at all," he says.

Kate just stares him down. She'll go home.

After a moment, he flicks his eyes to Alexis and he shrugs. "And you?" he asks, looking back to Kate.

"I'm already broken," Kate offers. "He's never seen me whole to begin with. But now, if he does, every time he looks at me, he'll think of you." She points to her cheek, swallowing against the realization.

Tyson eyes her, his gaze flicking between the two women. "Fine," he says after a minute. "You can take it all, Detective. It'll be more fun to make her watch." He slips the knife into his pocket then strikes her, his hand landing on her sliced cheek in a hard slap.

"Have fun," he says to Alexis, before stalking out of the room.

Kate wavers, sucking in air as the door slams shut. Oh, God. She raises her hand and gingerly touches her face. She hisses and drops her hand. She hears Alexis moving behind her.

"I didn't mean it," she whispers, glancing back toward the girl. "You're not going to wind up broken."

"I don't want you to protect me," Alexis says.

Kate looks over and finds her leaning against the wall, arms crossed over her chest, her hair fraying and wild in fly-aways across her face.

Kate shakes her head. "Cop instincts," Kate deflects. "You can't stop them."

Alexis huffs. "I'm not going to let you—"

"Yeah, you are," Kate tells her, holding up her hand. "Do you want to go home like this?" she continues, pointing to her cheek. "Do you want to look at your Dad and have him staring back with a broken heart every single time he looks at you?"

Alexis stares at her, her eyes wide, jaw open. "What?"

"Because I don't," Kate says. "I don't want to watch your Dad look at you like that. _I_ can't look at you like that. So call me selfish."

Alexis takes a breath, then shakes her head. "That's ridiculous."

"I'm already damaged," Kate repeats, tugging her shirt up so Alexis can see the incision site along her side. "A few more scars won't kill me."

"They won't kill me either," Alexis argues, her face hardening.

"Yeah they will," Kate says. "I don't want you to end up like me."

"What?"

Kate sighs and scrubs her hands through her hair, searching for the words. "'I'd hate to think I'd raised a kid who couldn't say 'I love you,'" she quotes.

Alexis lets out a startled laugh. "Really?"

"Yeah, well, I give your Dad enough advice." God, really? All she has is Gilmore Girls. They're so screwed.

"Thanks for that," Alexis offers reluctantly as she slides back down the wall to sit. "But I still don't—"

"You're not winning this argument," Kate says sternly, as sternly as she can as she staggers to the wall and joins Alexis on the floor.

"I don't want to watch Dad look at you like that either," Alexis says quietly a few minutes later.

"He already does," Kate admits. "Has ever since I took the bullet. So really, it's no trouble."

"No—letting him torture you is no trouble?" Alexis lets out, loud and angry.

"Shh," Kate says, turning to meet Alexis' eyes. "It was just a slice."

"And the next time?"

"I'll deal," Kate decides. "One of us is getting out of this intact, Little Castle. It's going to be you."

Alexis stares at her for a long moment, then nods. She bends her head and fiddles with her fingers in her lap.

"Thanks," she whispers.

Kate smiles and reaches out, squeezing her hand. "Always."

(…)

It's not as nice the next morning. The next morning, he trails the blade down her stomach and forces her to take off her shirt. The second time there's a demonic look in his eyes. The second time, he goes straight for her scar.

"Already broken, Detective?" he taunts, running the flat of the blade across her incision site. "So broken it no longer hurts?"

It takes every single thing she has to keep still, to keep the sobbing in, to breathe through the panic clawing hot and tight up her chest, roiling in her stomach.

He cuts her open. He slices through her scar and she can't help but cry out. He laughs as she pants, laughs and cuts just a bit deeper. She can feel the blade between the flaps of her skin, her mind splintering, fragments of an operating table and bright lights and Castle and the grass. The blue, blue sky. _Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate._

She doesn't notice when he leaves.

"Kate."

_Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate_.

The words repeat, unending, as she collapses to the floor. Shit. Shit. She didn't notice when he left. But Castle's there, and then he's gone. His eyes swim in and out of her vision. The grass. The cemetery. Her father's cabin.

_I love you, Kate_.

"Kate!"

She blinks, heaving in air, a crumpled mess on the floor, her head pressed to her knees.

"Kate," Alexis repeats, her voice softer, sad.

"Sorry, Castle," Kate manages, taking a shaking breath that fills at least half of her lungs. "I'm sorry."

There's a pause. "It's okay," she hears.

Wrong Castle, but it'll do.

"I'm sorry," she repeats. "I didn't see him leave. Are," she manages to sit back up and turn to look at the terrified teen kneeling on the dirty floor with her. "Are you okay?"

Alexis nods. "He laughed his way out. I'm fine."

"Good," Kate says, accepting Alexis' hand. The girl pulls her up and then stoops to look at her knife wound.

She has a knife wound. Her cheek twinges dully. She has two knife wounds.

"You should put your shirt back on," Alexis says softly.

"Yeah," Kate agrees, unsure as to why, but willing to do anything that feels moderately productive—anything that makes Alexis relax even a bit.

"We should clean that tonight, best we can," Alexis adds as she helps Kate get the shirt back over her head. "It could get…infected."

Oh, God. It hadn't even occurred to her.

"Yeah," Kate manages, staggering her way to the wall to slide down and sit. "Yeah," she repeats.

"You sure you're—well, of course you're not," Alexis says, bending to sit cross-legged in front of Kate. "Can I help?"

Kate takes a few deep breaths, willing the panic back. Yes, this is awful. Yes, he cut her surgery scar. Yes, she's been violated and tortured and hurt. But she's still alive, and Alexis is alive in front of her. There's no sniper, no green green grass, no Castle professing his undying love.

She can do this. She can come out of this. She has to.

"How's school?" she asks, forcing herself to meet Alexis' eyes.

Alexis makes a choked sound. "School?"

"Distraction," Kate explains.

"Oh," Alexis mumbles. "Oh, okay. Um. It's good. It's almost over. I have finals in a few weeks."

"You feel ready?"

Alexis nods. "It's just for one class. I finished everything else—you know," she adds. "Lanie said she'd take me to the Columbia Medical School for a tour. I don't know that we'll get to that now."

"You can go over the summer," Kate tells her. "I'm sure she'd set up interviews for you too. She's got a lot of contacts there."

"Yeah," Alexis agrees.

A thought occurs to Kate then. "Alexis, are you the valedictorian?"

Alexis meets her eyes, surprised. "I—yeah, I am."

"Congratulations," Kate says, genuine. She can feel the burn across her cheek as she smiles at Castle's kid, the intense flare of pain against her side as she shifts. "Your dad said you were up for it, but we, um, lost touch a bit before I could ask him if you'd gotten it."

"Oh," Alexis says. "Well, yeah. I—yeah."

"That's amazing," Kate tells her.

"I guess," Alexis offers with a shrug. "It's not like I worked that hard for it."

"You go to one of the most competitive schools in the city. That's a big deal," Kate assures her.

"I guess," Alexis repeats.

"You don't look very excited," Kate notes.

Alexis glances around. "Yeah."

"Because of this?"

"Yes," the girl replies, too quickly. Kate waits, wondering if she'll—"Well, no. I mean I—I got into Columbia and decided to go. That was a big deal. This is just…icing, I guess."

"And it's not your flavor?"

"I'm not big on speeches," Alexis admits. "And I don't—Dad and Gram will be there, but it's not like they don't already know anything I'd say."

Kate watches as Alexis picks at her jeans, and a thought occurs to her. "Is your mom coming?" she asks quietly.

Alexis huffs out a sound. "She can't," she says.

"Why not?"

"She'll be on a shoot," Alexis says, her voice calm, like it's practiced.

"That sucks."

Alexis shrugs. "I didn't really expect her to."

Kate doesn't believe that for a second. "I'm sure you guys can get a video."

"Yeah," Alexis agrees.

"And I'm sure, if you wanted, your dad would put on a whole re-enactment."

Alexis snorts. "Yeah."

They fall silent for a few minutes. Kate wracks her brain, trying to find something to distract the increasingly nervous teenager in front of her. A distraction for herself wouldn't hurt either.

"You excited about college?" Alexis nods glumly. "Alexis?"

"If we get out, yeah," she whispers.

"Hey," Kate says, reaching out to take the girl's hands, ignoring the way the world is spinning just a little bit. "We are getting out of here."

"How many times is he going to hurt you before we do?" Alexis asks, meeting her eyes. "How many times is he going to come down and make me watch? I just—I," she cuts herself off and looks down at their hands.

"I'm going to be fine," Kate tells her, trying to match the tone Castle has had so many times before—the way he can comfort. He always makes that unending confidence seem so easy. She feels like a pale facsimile.

"You just collapsed," Alexis counters.

Kate sighs. "Look," she starts, fighting against the clutch of her chest—of mine, mine, mine. "I have," she pauses again. Yet another thing she should be telling the Big Castle. "I have PTSD," she says quietly.

"What?" Alexis gasps.

"Hey, hey," Kate placates as Alexis shifts, looking like she wants to jump up. "I'm okay. I just—sometimes I have panic attacks. It's fine."

"You—and you let me let him cut you open? What you were—"

"I didn't let you let him," Kate asserts, holding fast to Alexis' wrists. "He's going to do whatever he wants. You are not letting him hurt me."

"I didn't stop him," Alexis exclaims.

"How would you have stopped him?" Kate presses. "Alexis, you're safe. That's what I care about. A few scars, a few cuts—I'll survive."

"But," Alexis says.

"I'm _fine_. I have a good therapist."

"You—that's—that is the weakest reason ever," Alexis decides.

Kate laughs hollowly. "Yeah. But I've gotten through it before. Maybe you'll come with me, help you get over this guilt complex you're building."

Alexis rolls her eyes but squeezes Kate's hands. "Maybe."

Kate smiles. "Okay. So. Tell me about Columbia," she says, tugging until Alexis settles next to her, until she can wrap her arm over the teen, fighting against the chill of the basement she can feel creeping back into her bones as she relaxes. At least it lessens the sting of the cuts.

"Why?" Alexis asks.

"Because the room is spinning, and you're freaked out, and you've got a future we should plan."

Alexis considers her words quietly and Kate lets her. She stares across the room at the aging cinder block wall.

"Okay," Alexis whispers. "I'm supposed to hear about my roommate soon."

"Hopes?" Kate asks, making her voice light. They can do this.


	4. Chapter 4

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 4:**

Days are passing. Each morning, Tyson comes in and takes a little more retribution. Tuesday—at least she thinks it was Tuesday—he pounded his fists into her incision site, reopening her knife wound. Wednesday, he carved a "J" into the skin on her hip bone. She can feel it throb every time she moves. Thursday he traced his palms over her neck, drew the lines of her veins down her chest, across her stomach with his fingertips. He breathed on her pulse, menaced her as she stood in just her brassiere and jeans, leaving her with the promise of more. Before cutting across her abdomen in a series of thin, shallow cuts. She's been nauseous ever since.

But this morning, he appears with just the gun and a video camera.

"Good morning, Ladies," he says cheerily, pointing the gun on Alexis and gesturing for them to move back to the wall. "Sit."

They do so, hands clasped together. Kate's resigned herself to the fact that they can't fight back, but at least the sight of the gun isn't sending her into a spiral. Instead, it sends blood pounding in her ears.

"We're going to send a little message to Daddy," Tyson tells them. "Let him know his daughter is safe and sound."

"In return for what?" Kate asks, watching as he flicks the old digital camera open. He'll probably go off site to send it, confuse the team's tracking equipment.

Tyson shrugs. "Money. Him."

"You're going to barter for my dad?" Alexis lets out.

Tyson looks at her. "I'm sure he'd rather be here with your great protector, isn't that right, Detective?"

"So what? In exchange for Alexis, you'll take Castle? You'll never make it out alive."

Tyson rubs his nose with the gun. "Money then."

"You don't actually want anything, do you?" Kate surmises. "You're just going to mess with him. Let him know she's alive, for now, and play cat and mouse."

"You _are_ good," Tyson says with a grin. "Now, smile pretty."

He turns the camera around to smile into it, that tilted-head, bone-chilling smile. "Good afternoon, Castle. I think I've got something you may want back." He swings the camera onto them. "Say hi, girls." They just stare at the camera. He points the gun back on Alexis. "Say hi."

"Hi Dad," Alexis makes out.

Kate wracks her brain. She doesn't know where they are, other than 'nowhere.' Her cheek must look a sight. It feels inflamed. But Alexis is okay and well. She doesn't even know if Tyson will show Castle the whole video.

"Hey, Castle," Kate says softly.

"Tell him she's fine," Tyson says, aiming the gun briefly at Kate's head.

"Alexis is fine," she assures the camera. "Just fine. Hungry." Tyson grunts at her. "But fine."

"And you," Tyson adds. "Tell him how you are."

"I could so go for a coffee right about now," she tells the camera. Alexis stifles a laugh.

"Shut up," Tyson growls at her.

"That's how I am," Kate decides. "Tyson's having a little fun with his knife," she adds, indicating her cheek. "But I'm okay. And Alexis is _fine_. I—"

"You better find them before Kate's less than okay, Castle. She's taking it all for your daughter, and I'm getting restless," he says, his mouth against the edge of the camera.

"Say bye, girls."

"Bye," they chorus.

Tyson smiles and switches off the camera.

"The next one we send, you can show him your new scars," Tyson says, closing the viewfinder. "I'll see you later," he adds, before spinning on his heel and leaving the room, the door banging shut behind him.

"What's the point of sending a video if he's not asking for ransom?" Alexis whispers after they hear the door to the basement slam shut.

"To torture him," Kate says. "You're whole, you're healthy, but there's no guarantee for Castle about that."

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

Alexis turns to look at her. "You think dad's not going to be upset that your cheek is cut? That he's not going to know that Tyson's hurting you?"

"He will," Kate acknowledges. "But you're okay."

"I'm not the only person dad cares about," Alexis says vehemently. "You need to come home too."

"Alexis—"

"No. We're getting out of this together. You don't want to tell dad I'm dead? Well, newsflash, I don't want to tell him you're dead either. And I'd personally appreciate if you stayed alive," she says, eyes flashing, face set.

"I know," Kate assures her. "I'm not planning to die."

"You better be planning to make it out," Alexis threatens. "You want me unscathed? Don't make me watch you die."

"Believe me, it's on my priorities list."

"How high?" Alexis prods.

"High enough," Kate says, shaking her head. It's not as high on her priorities list as Alexis remaining untouched, as Tyson staying far far away from this innocent girl. But she'd like to live. That would be optimal. "Okay. Tell me more about Max."

"What?"

"You were telling me about Max."

"No," Alexis says stiffly.

"What?"

"No," she repeats. "I don't want to talk about Max. You tell me something."

"Is there something wrong with Max?" Kate wonders.

"No," Alexis draws out slowly. "But I'm upset. Your turn to distract me."

Kate laughs quietly. "Fair's fair. Okay. Um, did I tell you that Lanie and Javi—oh, wow, I don't know if I can tell you this, actually."

Alexis gives her a look. "That they're friends with benefits? I already know."

"What?" Kate exclaims.

"I've walked in on them at least twice in the morgue. Not pretty."

Kate bites her lip to keep from laughing at the disgusted look on Alexis' face. But then, she needs to know. "Does she take off the gloves first?"

"No!" Alexis squeals. "It's so gross!"

"I know!" Kate agrees. "Ugh. I just haven't had the heart to say anything, and Javi never complains, but…"

"Ick. Major ick," Alexis agrees with a laugh. "And she thinks they're being soo secretive about it."

"They thought that the first time around too," Kate tells her. "But we knew right away."

Alexis considers her. "You do know there's a sizable pool going about you and dad."

"I know," Kate says with a shrug.

"You don't care?"

"Are you in on it?" Kate wonders. Alexis blushes. "You are!"

"Well, I figured I had an advantage and I'm going to college—ordering in and stuff," Alexis mumbles.

"How big is it?" Kate demands.

Alexis grins. "Big enough to pay for a semester's meal plan."

Kate blinks. "But that's—that's thousands of dollars."

"Yeah," Alexis says with a smirk.

"Thou—how much?" Kate stammers.

"At least two grand."

"Two?"

"Well, you're popular. And a few people have gone in with 500, so it just…grew. They've been running it for years."

"I know," Kate groans. "God, I should have bet."

"What?" Alexis lets out.

"Well, I should have put something in."

"When would you have done that?" Alexis asks with an arched brow.

"I don't know," Kate admits. "I should have put in ten bucks and said in five years or something." Alexis giggles and relaxes next to her against the wall, huddling into her. "Okay, when did you say we'd—actually, what's the bet?"

"They didn't specify," Alexis says quickly. "Squicked them all out. But I think a kiss would do it. Well, or acknowledging that you're in a relationship."

"Okay. We can do that," Kate decides. If she gets out, her first priority will be to come clean with Castle. And if she can do that, and win Alexis some money at the same time, she figures she'll have helped pay off the debt she owes to the girl, for her patience and all the suffering she's caused their family.

"When did you bet for?" she asks.

"I put it in a while ago. I said by the end of May," Alexis says with a shrug. "I figured a year from…well, I just thought—"

"We'll announce it then," Kate promises.

"You will?"

"Well, I mean, your dad is part of this, but I bet if you offered to take us out for dinner with a corner of that pot, he'd agree. If he—well, if we do actually—"

"You will," Alexis says, wrapping an arm through Kate's. "Or I'm going disown you both."

"Mm," Kate hums. She wasn't aware that Alexis had any claim to her as of yet. But she smiles and leans her head on the teen's, happy to be claimed. One Castle down, at least. Sometimes the better of the two, really. Though, Martha does have her moments. Oh, she'll have to give Castle that ranking someday, make him pout.

(…)

He thinks he's going out of his mind. He hasn't slept, not for days.

He rubs his hands together, his palms rough, hands cracked from too little water and too much anxiety. He stares at his knees, trying to keep himself together.

Another lead, another dead end.

All they know is Alexis disappeared on Friday. Beckett's cell was found in an alley, and further down, a few strands of Alexis' hair.

He needs Kate. But Kate's not here. She's—well, they assume she's with Alexis. Taken, with Alexis. In a big truck no one can account for. Well, they think it was a big truck. It could have been anything. They could have been transferred to something else.

He needs Kate here.

He shouldn't need Kate. He gave Kate up. But he needs her. He needs her to hold his hand and tell him his kid is coming back.

Hell, he needs to know Kate's coming back too.

What is he supposed to do if he loses his daughter and his…muse all at once?

"Mr. Castle."

Castle turns and finds Captain Gates leaning against the doorway into the break room.

"We've got something," she says gently.

The woman has never been so nice to him.

He swallows the hope that rises with her words and follows her out. He's gotten his hopes up a dozen times in the past seven days. And nothing.

Seven days. A week. They've been gone a week.

"What is it?" he asks as Gates leads him to Javi's desk. Kevin and Javi stare at him, their faces tight and pale. "What is it?" he repeats, louder this time.

"You've got an email," Ryan says softly, beckoning him around the desk.

They usher him into Esposito's chair and he feels it creeping up his neck. They're making him sit down. Whatever this is, it's bad.

Ryan clicks on the email and a video pops up. Oh, God, it's a ransom. His hopes rise. It's a ransom. He can pay that. He'll pay whatever they want, however much. No amount is too big to get them back.

"Good afternoon, Castle." His stomach plummets as Jerry Tyson's face briefly fills the screen. He's got them. He's got Kate and Alexis—the 3XK.

He watches as Tyson turns the camera on Kate and Alexis, huddled there together against a dirty wall, their faces grimy, hair tangled. Kate's cheek has a nasty gash, but otherwise, they look pale and unharmed. They're not dead.

"They're alive," Gates tells him, her hand squeezing his shoulder.

He nods numbly, the corner of his mouth twitching as he hears Alexis' voice for the first time in a week. As he hears Kate voice, sees her trying to joke for him, putting herself on the edge with Tyson all for a stupid joke about—well, it's not stupid. He'd kill to bring her a cup of coffee right now. To just see her. To hell with her secret. He just wants them back.

"Can we trace the address?" he manages as the video ends.

He has to find them. He has to find them before Kate gets hurt. She's taking—she's protecting his baby. He has to get there before Tyson goes—before Tyson—before—

"It came from a coffee shop in Queens," Ryan says.

"Go," Gates says.

"He won't be there," Castle mumbles as Ryan and Espo grab their coats.

"But someone may have seen his car, gotten a license plate," Ryan tells him.

"He'll be gone," Castle repeats, sitting even as Esposito grabs his keys.

"It's more than we had," Gates says quietly. "Go with them."

Castle looks up at her. He wants to say something, but doesn't know what. He can't do this. He really really needs Kate here with him for this.

"Go," Gates repeats.

He does.

Maybe they'll find something. He has to hold onto that hope. Maybe they'll find something.

(…)

She swears and collapses to the floor, hearing the door slam shut, Tyson's laughter floating back up the stairs. She shudders, trying to focus on anything but the searing pain on her back.

Eleven. Eleven slices. She counted. Two sets of five, and one extra. And one for each day after this, she supposes—a running tally of their captivity captured for eternity on her back. She knows they're deep enough to scar, knows each mark was made with precision, not that she'll ever see them. But if they get out, if she ever figures out a way to escape without getting Alexis killed, if Castle and the boys ever find them, she knows who will see them.

He wants Castle to remember every dark day she and Alexis spend in this place—no intimate moment between them ever free of these eleven days.

"Kate?"

She takes a deep breath and looks up at Alexis. "I'm okay," she assures the teen.

The girl doesn't buy it for a second. She holds out Kate's shirt. Tyson took her brassiere a few days ago. She doesn't want to think about why.

Kate nods in thanks and slowly drags the shirt back over her body, shuddering at the way each second stretches the cuts on her chest, her hip—the way the still-healing wounds crack open anew. It's too dim now to check them for infection.

If she'd ever had to guess which Castle would become intimately acquainted with her bullet wound, she would not have chosen Alexis Castle. But doctor she has played, checking each cut for infection, wiping them down with water, making patches out of toilet paper, only to have Tyson tear them off the next day.

Kate eventually stopped her, worried he'd stop giving them toilet paper at all.

The "J" on her hip is inflamed.

She's not really sure how infection spreads, but she's starting to worry.

"Do you want water?" Alexis asks softly, standing over her as Kate gathers the will to stand up.

Kate shakes her head and makes for the wall, turning against it, only to hiss. She can't lean back now. Even the soft fabric of her tee shirt causes her to groan, the fiber digging into the cuts. But what else can she do? Better to bloody her shirt than sit topless and freezing.

Like the tee shirt helps that much.

"Can you eat?" Alexis asks, sinking down to sit beside her as Kate shuffles her legs around to sit cross legged. She proffers their half-eaten bag of white bread. At least he kept that promise: A bag a week.

She can see Alexis' face thinning, notes the way the girl's jeans keep sliding down, the way her shirt hangs over-large on her frame. And she's the one that's been eating a slice a day.

"I can't," she whispers.

"You have to eat," Alexis insists.

"I'll lose it anyway," Kate admits, meeting the girl's eyes. "I'd rather keep the little I managed to get down yesterday."

"He's gonna start hitting organs soon if you can't keep it down," Alexis tells her, opening the bag and removing a piece. "The concussion's faded by now. You're just not trying enough."

Kate bites her tongue, withholding the defense that springs up her throat. Not trying? Then what the hell has she been doing? She has fresh knife wounds on her back, oozing cuts all over her body, bruises on her knees, cracks on her hands.

"It'll just get harder the less you eat," Alexis amends. "Please?"

Kate considers the girl. She's parenting her now. Forcing her to eat, to drink. Taking on responsibilities that she should never have to bear, to keep Kate from fading away.

"Okay," Kate manages, taking the proffered bread. "Okay," she repeats, watching as Alexis' shoulders relax.

She swallows hard and takes a bite, chewing mechanically, her body already rebelling. But Alexis is right. It's not the concussion now, though she's not so sure it's faded. She hasn't been eating more than a few bites a day, and her body is punishing her for it.

Not that eating her piece of bread a day is stopping Alexis Castle from slowly wasting away, but she's at least keeping it down.

"You know, when I was seven, I had this awful stomach bug," Alexis begins, shifting around, getting 'comfortable.' "I don't know how bad it was, actually, but I have this really clear memory of waking up to find Dad lying on my bed, just staring at me. He was really pale. _Really_ pale. After that, it's fuzzy, but I think there was a hospital involved."

Kate listens, forcing down another bite of bread. She can imagine that look. She's seen it once or twice.

"After we went home, I was on some weird diet—a lot of smoothies and stuff to help my stomach recover. To this day, he still makes this ginger-apple smoothie that's like magic whenever I'm sick. Sometimes just when I'm nauseous." She looks over at Kate and laughs a little. "It shows up every time I'm a day or two before my period."

Kate grins. That's just like Castle. "He's a good dad."

"I wish he could make it for you now," Alexis says quietly. "And me. Is that crazy?"

"What?" Kate wonders, taking a bigger bite. She can't give the poor kid Castle, but she can damn well eat for her.

"That I want my daddy?"

"No," Kate says immediately. "Not at all. Not at _all_," she repeats, reaching out to squeeze Alexis' knee. "Of course you do."

Alexis shakes her head. "No, I mean, like I—I feel like when we try to sleep, I'm seven again and I'm just saying 'I want my daddy' in my head over and over, like it'll help something."

She shrugs and seems to curl in on herself slightly. Kate sighs and stuffs the rest of the bread into her mouth, chewing quickly. She scoots on the floor, taking Alexis' hands in hers.

"Of course you want your dad. Hell, Alexis, _I_ want your dad." Alexis chuckles, sniffling, her eyes shining as she meets Kate's. "This is—I've only considered a few things in my life incarnations of hell on earth, but I was wrong before. This is it. This is hell. And if anyone in the world could make hell better, it's your dad."

Alexis nods and takes back one of her hands to swipe at her cheek. She swallows and drops her hand down to take Kate's again. "But I—it's stupid. Saying it won't make him show up."

"What's wrong with wanting your daddy?" Kate asks. "What's wrong with wanting an adult, the adult, the best adult possible?"

"You're here," Alexis says, squeezing her hands.

"And I'll hug you any time you want, but I'm not your dad. And look, you're more worried about me than you are about yourself. I'm hardly the model adult right now," Kate admits.

"You're protecting me," Alexis says instantly. "That's—"

"Not a hug from your dad," Kate completes, shaking her head when Alexis goes to protest. "If you think, 'I want my daddy,' for every single second we're here, that's so normal. I want my mom," she adds. "And this isn't the first time I've thought that. I've wanted my mommy since the day she died. Before, actually." Alexis laughs softly. "I used to call her in the middle of the night when I was at Stanford. College is scary."

"Yeah," Alexis agrees.

"So, if I'm allowed to want my mommy when I'm at college, or when it's Christmas, or whenever I have to go to the doctor and get a shot—" she gets a laugh for that. "Then you can sure as hell want your dad now."

Alexis nods, and Kate watches as her composure cracks. She's been a trooper, snippy and cagey, but unerringly bright these past eleven days. Kate scoots forward and wraps her arms around the teen, shifting to catch her as Alexis falls into her embrace, weeping softly into her neck. Even in her state, she's careful to avoid the new cuts on Kate's back.

Kate turns her head and kisses the girl's forehead. "We're gonna get out of here, and you're going to get your dad back," she whispers. "You may have to get used to him sleeping in your bed for a while again." Alexis sobs out a laugh. "Or at least be okay with him on a mattress on the floor."

"Baby monitor," Alexis offers shakily.

"Enormous pancake breakfasts every day."

"I'll eat his smorlettes."

Kate blinks. "His what?"

Alexis laughs and huddles into her, relaxing against her shoulder. "It's a smore, in an omelet."

"That—that sounds horrifying," Kate decides, running her hand through the girl's hair. Her braid has long fallen out, the tangles catching on Kate's fingers as she tries to gently undo them.

"It is. But it'll make him happy."

"He'll be so happy to have you back," Kate says, shifting them back so she can rest her shoulder against the wall.

She brings her knee up and shuffles Alexis back to lean against it, the girl's neck supported against Kate's arm. Alexis smiles and shifts her legs over Kate's outstretched one.

It's not exactly comfortable, but they're connected and they can see each other. Kate's not sure if it's the trauma, or some latent maternal instinct, but she wants to cuddle Alexis up against the world and not let go. It's probably the fact that the girl wants her daddy, and Kate has absolutely no way of getting her to him.

Alexis reaches out and takes her hand. "He'll be happy to have you back too."

Kate smiles and squeezes her hand. "I'll work on the riding off into the sunset for you."

"You better," Alexis asserts. "I think you'd make good stepmother material."

Kate makes a face and Alexis laughs. "I feel like that's saying I'd be a good bitch."

"No," Alexis insists. "I've had a mediocre stepmom. You'd be a good one."

"Thanks?" Kate decides.

Alexis smiles. "Think about it."

"Kinda your dad's decision," Kate says. "But I'll consider it."

"Good," Alexis asserts. She glances up at the window. "Light's fading."

"Maybe six," Kate offers, glancing futilely at her wrist.

He took her watch yesterday. Whether he wanted to demean her, or figured she could somehow figure out a way to MacGyver a weapon out of it after ten days without an attempt, she doesn't know. But it's gone. Alexis has her mother's ring in her pocket. He broke the chain on the second day and took it, but Alexis managed to grab the ring.

"I wish we had a TV," Alexis says a few minutes later. Kate stares at her. "I mean," Alexis amends with a little laugh. "Just—something."

"I wouldn't mind your dad's books," Kate admits.

"Which is your favorite?" Alexis wonders.

"Naked Heat," Kate replies instantly.

Alexis hums. "I liked Heat Rises."

"I've only been able to read it once," Kate says, shaking her head as Alexis gives her an apologetic look. "No, no. It just—it's more autobiographical than the other two."

Alexis snorts. "You act like the first two aren't."

"Not as much," Kate argues.

"There's a character called Schlemming in the second one."

"So?"

"So, he was Detective Demming, and I told dad to take him out because he didn't fit. So he did. But he pops up at the beginning and the end."

Kate searches in her head. She's right. Schlemming is there. But he's so—nonexistent. Oh God, he wrote her boyfriend into and then out of that book.

Maybe if he hadn't been with Gina…

"Did you and Demming break up before he finished the book?" Alexis asks.

Kate blinks. "Um, yeah. A ways before, actually."

"Oh."

"What?"

"Well, I just assumed, when he ended up with Gina again—I don't know. Never mind," Alexis deflects, dropping Kate's hand to scratch at her arm.

"I, ah," Kate manages. "Well. It was—it wasn't a great summer."

Alexis considers her for a moment. "Oh," she says.

"Yeah," Kate agrees. "He didn't know."

"_Oh_," Alexis lets out. "Sorry. Wow. Yikes."

"Yikes," Kate says with a nod. "But we're—well, I can't say we're in a better place now. But maybe we will be. I'm in a better place now, for whatever that's worth," she adds, shaking her head.

She likes to think they'd have made it back then. But she knows, in reality, she needed this year of therapy. And that really sucks somehow.

"It's worth a lot," Alexis decides. "I've seen a lot of women come and go with my dad—well, a few serious ones, and the ones I didn't ever want to know about. I've never seen anyone work this hard for him."

Kate smiles. "I'd feel better about that if I hadn't hurt him by doing it."

"It was just the lying about it," Alexis says, waving it off. His kid is something else. "But doing the work so you'd be ready? I think that's beautiful."

Kate bends her elbow behind the girl's head and leans in to bump their foreheads together. "Thanks, kid."


	5. Chapter 5

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 5:**

"No."

Kate wakes slowly, confused. It's pitch black, the dead of night. They're still in Tyson's cell. Just her and Alexis. Fourteen days.

Alexis.

"No," the girl mumbles, one of her hands wrapped in Kate's shirt, pulling. Ah, that's what woke her.

They're stretched out on the floor against the wall. Kate lays on her clean side, back to the room, Alexis huddled against her chest, the girl's back pressing against the wall. They both rest their heads on Kate's outstretched arm, Alexis' curled up between them.

"No, no, _please_," Alexis moans, pressing her face into Kate's arm, her hand tugging on her shirt.

"Alexis," Kate whispers, running her hand over the girl's cheek.

"Wake up," Alexis begs.

"I'm awake," Kate promises. "I'm awake. I'm here. You need to wake up, honey."

Alexis jolts awake, her breath ragged, eyes flying open. She stares at Kate for a moment before bursting into tears and pulling herself as close as possible.

"Shh, you're okay," Kate promises, cupping the back of the girl's head.

Alexis presses her forehead into Kate's neck, her hands both wrapped in her shirt. Kate hums softly, ignoring the way the teen's tugging roughs the tee shirt over the fourteen cuts on her back, the way the smaller hands press into her bullet wound, recently reopened, stabbed and twisted.

"He's going to kill you," Alexis whispers.

"No," Kate asserts. "No, he's not. We're going home to your dad."

"But he did," Alexis argues. "He slit your throat and left, and you bled out, and I couldn't—I couldn't stop the blood," she continues, her voice choked. "I couldn't stop it. I couldn't."

"I'm okay," Kate tells her, closing her eyes against the image. "I'm here. I'm alive. And I'm fine."

"But you're _not_," Alexis says, pulling back to meet her eyes, their faces just close enough to see each other. "And he'll be back in the morning, and he's cutting you up, and you're sick, and I—I can't stop him. I want to stop him. He's hurting you," she whispers. "He's hurting you."

"I know," Kate says, feeling so lacking. "But I'm alive."

"I want to go home," Alexis admits, her voice small. "I want to go home, and I want to cuddle up on the couch and watch Temptation Lane."

"Really?" Kate lets out, surprised. She hasn't shared that with Alexis.

"Dad has them all Tivoed," Alexis says, releasing one of her hands from Kate's shirt. But Kate beats her to it, wiping the tears from her face.

"He does?" Kate asks, smiling. "And you wanna watch them."

"Please?"

She's not sure what's more touching, that Castle saved all of her favorite show, or that Alexis wants to watch with her because Castle told her what it means. Kate nods, taking the teen's hand. "Of course. We'll watch them all. Make him wait on us hand and foot."

Alexis squeezes her hand. "Promise?"

"I promise," Kate swears. "Do you want a drink?"

Alexis shakes her head and huddles closer. "You're okay?"

"I'm okay. Are you?" Kate asks, looking down at the top of the girl's head.

"No. But I'm okay," she whispers.

Kate sighs and rubs her back waiting until Alexis relaxes before opening her mouth. She's sure she's got nothing on Castle, but she can try. "Once upon a time," she begins.

Alexis snuffles out a laugh. "Stop," she says, giggling.

"There was a ruggedly handsome writer—"

"Stop!" Alexis squeals quietly.

"Who had contracted the most terrible case of writer's block—"

"No," Alexis pleads.

"And had nothing in his life but his beautiful daughter," Kate continues, grinning as Alexis groans. "And she was wonderful, but regrettably growing up, and he needed something to fill his time during her school hours."

"My school hours? Please. Half the time he's still asleep," Alexis grumbles. "And you're totally telling this from the wrong perspective."

"Oh yeah?" Kate wonders, playing it up to keep that light in the teen's voice.

"Once upon a time there was a very sad detective," Alexis taunts. Kate huffs. "Who was so very terribly lonely, until one day she had to arrest a dashing writer."

"I wasn't a spinster," Kate grumbles.

"And little by little, the writer, by virtue of his charm—"

"You mean his constant prodding?"

"His _charm_," Alexis asserts, "chipped away at the detective's defenses."

"Swung a wrecking ball at them, more like," Kate says, shaking her head as Alexis pokes her. But it doesn't hurt. The girl knows her wounds too well by now.

"And after a lot of unfortunate and frankly stupid back and forth—"

"Hey!" Kate exclaims. Though, she can't really argue with that, can she?

"The detective finally decided what she wanted, only to be kidnapped and imprisoned with the writer's daughter." Kate waits, but there's nothing else.

"Your dad would write a better ending," Kate offers after a moment.

Alexis sighs. "Yeah, he would."

"Did he tell amazing bedtime stories?" Kate asks.

Alexis smiles. "He did. Really great. Not great at getting me to sleep," she adds with a laugh.

"I can imagine."

"They involved a lot of play-acting. A lot of getting out of bed and fighting monsters," the girl continues. "He was great."

"There were a lot of things about your dad that I didn't believe at the start, but his being a great dad was never one of them," Kate tells her. "And that was half you, because anyone who could raise you as a daughter had to be at least halfway to great." Alexis tucks her cheek into Kate's arm, blushing. "And half was just how he talked about you. He gets really genuine."

"Could say the same about how he usually talks about you," Alexis mumbles.

"Unless he's gloating?"

"Yeah," the teen agrees. "There is that."

"He loses more than he thinks he does sometimes," Kate admits, laughing when Alexis nods against her arm. "He's just...cute when he gets exicted."

"He really is," Alexis says easily. She yawns a moment later.

"Think you can sleep?" Kate asks softly.

Alexis hums and cuddles closer, already half gone. Kate smiles and rubs the girl's back, closing her eyes as well. This time, when she dreams, it's of movie marathons at the loft, a Castle on either side, all three of them squished together and happy.

When she wakes later that morning, to the dim light and the sound of the door opening, she holds onto that image. She wants to make it to that picture, no matter how many marks he cuts into her skin.

(…)

"Darling?"

He jerks upright, chest heaving. He squints up at the looming figure and blinks. Oh, it's his mother. Where is he?

"What are you doing in here?" she asks gently.

It's then that he realizes he's lying in Alexis' bed, monkey-bunky held to his chest and cotton in his mouth. His mother stares down at him, concern on her face and deep bags beneath her eyes.

"I didn't mean to," he mumbles, hauling himself to the edge of the bed. "Fell asleep, I guess."

Martha hums and takes his hand, helping him stand up. "The detectives are here," she says softly.

"Oh," he manages.

It doesn't bring him hope. It's been over two weeks now. Their leads have gone cold. They know Tyson has them, but they don't know where. They can't find where. They've combed the city, the boroughs, New Jersey, upstate, Long Island. Everywhere. Every cop on the Eastern Seaboard is looking, the FBI is looking, and they're nowhere closer to finding them.

"Meredith called again," his mother adds.

"Oh," he repeats.

"I told her there was nothing new."

"She okay?" he wonders as he tries to straighten his hair with one hand. He can't seem to drop the monkey.

"She sounds like she's holding it together well enough," Martha says gently. "I promised you'd call her if anything came up."

He nods absently. His sense of time is growing warped. He can't remember the last time he showered, the last time he slept before last night. He can't really remember much about the last few days really.

"Come on, Richard," his mother whispers, taking his free hand and guiding him from the room.

He wants his baby back.

He wants his detective back.

He needs his girls back.

Ryan and Esposito watch as his mother guides him down the stairs, their faces blank. Nothing new then. He hopes there's nothing new, actually. If it's not a lead, he doesn't want to know.

But Esposito's directing him to the counter, and there's his laptop open. He stops walking. His mother tugs on his arm, but he can't do it. He can't. He can't watch again, knowing they won't be able to find them.

"Castle," Ryan says softly.

"Can you find them?" he manages, his voice hoarse. He hasn't really been using it for the last few days.

The first week was phone calls and press talks and endless theory. The second week was yelling and fighting and begging with anyone and everyone who could possibly help. This week, in the third week, he's lost the will to talk. It doesn't get him anywhere.

"They're alive," Esposito offers.

That's a no.

"C'mon, Castle," Ryan says, tugging on his elbow. "They're okay. Come see."

He doesn't believe them. But he can't very well go hide under his daughter's comforter now. So he lets them drag him to the counter, lets Esposito click on the video embedded in his email.

It's the same dark, dingy room. The same maniacal look on Tyson's face. He leers into the camera.

"I would have thought you'd be working harder to find them, Castle," he says by way of greeting. "They're getting thinner. Tired."

He swings the camera around and Alexis and Kate come into focus. Castle can see Alexis' cheekbones, dark circles under her eyes. Kate's gaunt face is marred with red, the cut on her cheek raised and pink, definitely going to scar.

He's got them standing this time, and Castle can see plain as day how their clothing hangs off of them, the way their arms are thinner, the luster in their hair completely gone.

"Hey, Castle," Kate rasps. "We're fine."

"Hi dad," Alexis whispers, her arm firmly wrapped around Kate's side, the woman's arm over his daughter's shoulders.

"Tell him how you really are, girls," Tyson taunts. Castle feels his fists clenching as Kate glares at the man behind the camera. "Better yet, let's show him, shall we?"

He watches Kate's side of a stare-off, then sees her try and pull away from Alexis. But his daughter holds fast.

"Alexis," Kate says softly. Alexis turns to look at her and he sees them whisper, but can't make out what's being said.

"Shut up," Tyson barks. "Shirt off, Kate."

"I hardly think the NYPD needs to see me naked," Kate decides, stepping away from a reluctant Alexis.

"This is for Castle," Tyson argues.

"Bullshit," Kate offers, lifting the front of her shirt.

There's a collective gasp around the loft as her abdomen comes into view, a series of raised red lines stretching over her pale skin. He can see that her incision site's been opened as she turns side to side for the camera.

"That bastard," Esposito growls.

Castle can practically feel Ryan combusting behind him. "Fuck," he whispers.

Castle can't even make words, his jaw is clenched so tightly.

"Show them the rest, Kate," Tyson instructs.

"No," Kate decides, shaking her head. "You've given your proof." She turns to face the camera again, stepping back and taking Alexis' hand. "We're okay, Castle. She's just fine," she adds, drawing Alexis back to her side. "I promise."

Castle swallows hard, a sick sick relief rushing through him, even as his stomach fills with lead. _The rest_. What the hell is the rest?

"Better get here before she's not, Castle," Tyson says, leaving them with a last image of Alexis and Kate before the tape cuts out.

"Can you trace it?" he asks while the other three stand in silence.

He registers his mother sinking onto one of the stools, a hand to her heart, but can't focus on her just yet.

"Can you trace it?" he repeats, staring at Ryan and Espo, both of them pale and fuming.

"A coffee shop in the West Village," Esposito gets out. "No one noticed him until he was gone. We lose him once he gets on the subway. He had a bag, maybe a disguise. The bag doesn't show back up at any other stations."

Castle shakes his head. "We—you have to be able to find him. You have to find him," he exclaims, halfway between fury and pleading. "He's going to kill her."

"They're alive," Ryan says, and Castle's sure it's meant to sound consoling.

"For now," he hears himself say.

"Richard," Martha lets out, her voice choked.

He can't do this. He can't keep hiding himself away. Alexis' monkey is a mangled thing in his fist. They need to find them. He has to be there for his mother. Hell, he needs a shower.

They have to find them.

(…)

"I would have thought he'd have come for you by now," Tyson says, calmly, like he doesn't have her top naked on her back on the filthy floor.

He holds the gun lazily on Alexis, his other hand trailing his knife up and down Kate's side. She can feel the dirt from the floor seeping into her newly opened cuts, the force of impact when he pushed her down having split half of her tally marks back open.

"He's obviously not trying very hard," he continues, looking up at Alexis. "Perhaps you're not as precious as I thought you were."

"He'll find us," the teen asserts.

Kate smiles at the tone in her voice, then groans as the knife pierces her skin. Her incision site. Again. He just wants to make sure that scar never ever disappears, doesn't he?

And it's sick, but she almost prefers it. She thinks in a twisted way this is curing her PTSD about those scars. How well can she remember her shooting at the sight of them, with this new set of horrifying memories to take its place? Then again, is one trigger better than another, really?

"I'm starting to get bored," Tyson tells her. Kate meets his eyes, squinting through the pain as he withdraws the knife, folds it closed and slips it into his pocket.

She expects him to get up.

He doesn't.

"And I'm starting to think little miss smart mouth isn't as traumatized as you say she is."

Kate swallows, but he doesn't move. He just keeps the gun leveled on Alexis, his free hand resting on his thigh, twitching.

She realizes his intention a second after he moves.

She'd rather take a bullet.

His hand travels over her stomach, the rough pads of his fingers making her flinch in pain and disgust. She forces herself to keep her eyes open, to look at the ceiling, to appear indifferent as his palm closes over her breast, squeezing lewdly.

She forces herself to breathe normally, to pretend she can't feel as he moves to her other breast, as he skirts his fingers along her collarbone, as he drags them down to her navel. He dips his finger into her belly button and swirls.

Shit.

She'd rather take a bullet.

His fingers move to her pants, toy with the button. She can feel every fiber of her being screaming in protest, but then he stops. He rears back on his haunches and looks down at her, splayed beneath him, shirtless, sliced, and horribly exposed.

"That's better," he decides, giving her a grin. "I look forward to tomorrow," he adds, swiping his fingers along her inseam once before standing, the gun still leveled on Alexis.

She can't _do_ anything when he has that damn gun in his hand. If she misses, if she miscalculates, he'll shoot. And she cannot let Alexis Castle die.

Even if it comes at the expense of…

She forces the thought away and watches instead as Tyson saunters backward to the door, pulls it open, kicks the pipe into the hallway, and disappears. The slam makes her twitch.

She can hear Alexis' stuttering breath but ignores her, just for a moment. She'll pretend he never touched her, that her body has known only the glide of his pocket knife. She'll pretend she doesn't know what he meant—that tomorrow will be more of the same. That she won't have to look into Alexis' eyes and see her innocence gone.

Because if Jerry Tyson rapes her at gunpoint on Castle's daughter, she knows neither she nor the girl will ever recover from it.

Slowly, she sits up, hissing as pain blooms across her back, along her side—open wounds suddenly exposed to the air, the jagged edges of her incision site pulling apart as she shifts.

She startles as she feels a cool cloth on her back. "Alexis," she mumbles. "We'll—"

"I'd rather get a urinary tract infection than watch you get septic,"Alexis mutters, wiping away as much dirt as she can. Kate feels the teen's touch against her side.

"Bad?" she asks.

"No worse, just open again," Alexis offers, pressing a new piece of toilet paper over the slice, adding pressure. "Should stop bleeding soon, if you stay still."

Kate nods and moves her other arm around. "I can do it."

"I got it," Alexis says, switching hands before settling in front of her. She hands Kate her shirt.

Kate shrugs and holds it in front of her chest. Alexis Castle is far too familiar with her body by now. She no longer feels shame in it, and knows Alexis doesn't either. But she'll put in the modicum of effort it takes to press the fabric to her skin. It's warmer, if only just.

"Kate," Alexis begins, meeting her eyes.

"Stop," Kate says gently.

"I can't let him…I can't let him do that. You can't," the girls says urgently. "We have to—just, just try to disarm him."

"Alexis," Kate says sharply, cutting her off. Alexis stares at her, her jaw set. "Promise me, no matter what happens, you won't do something stupid."

"He's going to—"

"I know," Kate says quickly. "It's not worth your life."

Alexis blinks rapidly, raising her free hand to swipe at her cheek. "I can't watch him do that," Alexis whispers.

"I know," Kate says, reaching out to take her hand.

"Please don't make me watch him do that to you," Alexis says, her voice tight, her fingers threading through Kate's.

"We'll figure something out," Kate says, knowing her words are hollow.

"Let him hurt me," Alexis says instantly.

"No."

"It's better than this," Alexis insists. "A cut, or, or I don't know. He likes to strangle right? I know he hasn't been, because he likes watching you suffer. But I could take it. Just let him—"

"No," Kate says vehemently, pulling Alexis' hand off her side so she can hold the girl by both wrists. "He is not going to touch you. I don't care what that means, Alexis. You do not get hurt."

"Bullshit," Alexis hisses through gritted teeth. "You've got a temperature, Kate, how much longer do you think you'll last if you let him—you think watching him do that won't hurt me?"

Kate shakes her head and grips the girl's hands. "I know it will. But I want you to be able to get over this. I want you to feel safe with the next man who makes you happy. I want you to be able to be hugged and never have flashbacks to this place."

Alexis blinks. "Kate," she lets out.

"I'm fine," she promises. "I'm fine."

"But Dad," Alexis whispers.

Kate manages a half smile for her. "If it's meant to be Alexis, we'll get through it."

"But I really want you to be my stepmom," she lets out, her eyes going wide.

Kate laughs as the girl blushes, ducking her head. "Hey," Kate says, waiting until Alexis manages to meet her eyes again. Yes, the nudity doesn't bother the teen, but god forbid the mention of mothers should come up. "I'll be your stepmom if you want me to," Kate says softly.

Whatever else happens in this piece of hell, she'll walk away proud. Alexis Castle wants her to be her stepmother. She wants Kate as part of her family.

Alexis opens her mouth, then closes it. She squeezes Kate's hands. "But if you can't—if this—if Tyson…"

"Hey," Kate says gently. Alexis snaps her mouth shut. "Whether or not your dad and I make it has nothing to do with Tyson." As long as Kate lives to get out to Castle. "If I have issues, I'll deal with them. Your dad and I, we'll get there if we can. But if you want me to be your stepmom, I will be. Whether or not your dad and I make it to married."

Alexis huffs out a laugh. "Honorary stepmom?"

"If you want," Kate says easily.

Alexis smiles and nods. They sit for a few minutes, quiet, Alexis staring at the floor, Kate staring at the top of the girl's head. She wants Kate to be her stepmother. And God, does Kate want to make it to that—wants to make it to a marriage and a legal, binding reality. She wants the chance to prove that she's worthy of that request, to prove it to Alexis, to Castle, to Martha, to herself.

They need to make it out. And since it looks like no one's coming for them, she has to get them out.


	6. Chapter 6

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 6**:

"Tell me," Kate instructs.

Alexis sighs, running a hand through her hair as they huddle together in the far corner, bodies pressed close together against the chill.

"Alexis."

"When he reaches to," Alexis pauses and swallows, pressing her face into Kate's shoulder.

"To undo his fly," Kate provides.

"That," Alexis whispers. "You'll knock the gun arm out. I need to step in the other direction."

"And then?" Kate prompts.

Alexis huffs. "I know the plan."

"Indulge me." Kate bumps their heads together gently as Alexis snuggles closer, her legs thrown over Kate's, practically sitting in her lap.

"Then I grab the gun as soon as it's down," she repeats dutifully. "I hold it on him, and I don't shoot—which I still don't agree wi—"

"I don't want you to kill someone," Kate cuts in.

"I know," Alexis mutters.

"Even him," she continues. "It's more than you think it is."

"He deserves it," Alexis whispers harshly.

"I know," Kate agrees. "But you don't." Alexis shakes her head and Kate sighs. "You look at your hands differently," she explains. "It changes the face you see in the mirror. No matter who it is, no matter what they did, you take a life, and part of you goes with it."

"You sound like you're reading out of a textbook on Horcruxes," Alexis mumbles. Kate laughs. "But you're okay," the girl continues. "And you've…killed people."

"I have," Kate agrees.

"And you're okay," Alexis insists.

Kate sighs. "But I'm not the kid I was at nineteen."

"But your mom died," Alexis argues. "That—"

"I killed her shooter," Kate says, waiting until Alexis relaxes against her. "And you know what it didn't do? It didn't bring her back."

"I know," Alexis mumbles.

"All I had were even scales and his blood on my hands. Blood I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night to scrub off," she says, shaking her head when Alexis squeezes her hand. "He killed my mother, but that doesn't make me less of a murderer, Alexis. I don't want you to wake up at 3am when you're 32 to scrub off his blood."

"Why not?" Alexis asks. "I'd do it with pleasure."

Kate shakes her head. "The only homicidal urges I want you to channel are the ones you don't act on, about the bitchy girls in your freshmen seminar, and the guy who knocks coffee on your laptop. Unless you become a cop, you shouldn't ever have to contemplate it for real."

"If I say I'll become a cop, can I shoot him?"

Kate laughs. "No. And your father would kill me."

"Why? He loves that you're a detective."

"Yeah, and my being a detective has gotten me shot, nearly frozen to death, nearly blown up, almost eaten by a tiger, standing in front of a dirty bomb, put in the Hudson in my car, and those were only the ones with your dad around."

"You were in front of a dirty bomb?" Alexis squeaks out. "With _dad_?"

"Um," Kate manages. Shit. _Shit_. He'd mentioned that he'd never told Alexis about that, hadn't he? Damn.

"When were you put in the Hudson river?"

Oh wow. Can open, worms everywhere. "I," Kate stammers. "Um."

"Wait, back. Dirty bomb. When was that?"

"Uh, last year," Kate says slowly. "But we were fine."

"You—what happened?"

"Your dad pulled out all the wires and we saved the city?" Kate tries, almost shocked to hear how guilty she sounds. It was terrible, yeah, and they were both in a lot of…man, she has really dragged Castle through the ringer.

"_That's_ why he has a medal from the Mayor?"

Kate nods, clamping her lips shut. She can't keep telling the girl this stuff. She'll never let Castle follow her after this.

Kate stiffens. She'll never let Castle follow her around after this.

"But I—why didn't he tell me?" Alexis wonders. "He loves playing hero." Kate opens her mouth. "I can take it. I mean, you almost blew up. That's, well, I mean, not worse, but there was an actual explosion. Was that the same one as the freezer? He made us leave but he never said he'd been in front of the bomb."

"He didn't want to worry you," Kate gets in.

"Jeez," Alexis grumbles. "What did you do as a child?"

"Me?" Kate lets out. "What about him?"

"Too many things to count," Alexis waves off. "But he wasn't a magnet for this stuff before you. Just minor calamities."

"I wasn't a magnet for them either," Kate protests.

Alexis huffs. "Can you at least try and keep yourselves out of life-or-death situations? I won't be home to notice if you guys don't make it back next year."

Kate simply nods, unwilling to break Alexis' optimism, of a sort. She's planning on making it out to not be home next year. Kate can deal with her glare as long as she's thinking ahead.

"I'll make a concerted effort," Kate promises.

"And dad?"

"I'll get him a shock collar or something."

"Ew, no. I—there's a line," Alexis says.

"What? Oh, hey, no," Kate says, shoving at her a little. "Get your head out of the gutter."

"Me?" Alexis lets out. "You're the one who wants to bang my dad!"

"Hey!"

Alexis starts giggling and Kate follows after, smiling into the girl's hair.

They're going to make it out.

(…)

She's less confident on her back in just her underwear the next morning with Tyson's hand trailing over her skin.

Alexis is standing against the wall directly behind her head, Tyson's gun leveled on her chest. Kate only gets one shot here.

"Not what you expected, Detective?"

She clenches her jaw and stares up at the ceiling. "It's not really your style, Tyson, I'll give you that."

He chuckles, a dark, wet, awful sound. "He was so sure he _knew_ me."

She swallows, hard. "And this is your revenge?"

He meets her eyes. "Yes, Kate. This is my revenge."

He's not excited. She can see it. He just wants Castle to hurt. This isn't his style. This is his revenge. The thought gives her hope.

She waits, biding her time as he fondles her breasts, squeezes her skin, runs his fingers over her thighs, pinches her nipples. She forces herself to remain calm, to appear apathetic and non-combative while he works himself up. He has to think she's going to let him do this. He has to think she's too afraid that Alexis will be hurt to fight back.

She is.

But she promised she'd try.

She wants to get out with her sanity intact. With Alexis at her side. With Tyson locked down here without them.

She steals herself as his hand abandons her body, waiting until his fingers are busy with the button on his pants. He glances down, fumbling with the clasp, and she strikes out, knocking his wrist and twisting until he drops the gun. She brings her knee up simultaneously and jams it between his legs, sharp and fast.

He grunts and she grabs his arm and pushes up, flipping him over and pinning his arms down, her legs held fast on top of his.

"Alexis," she calls.

"Got it," she hears.

Tyson struggles against her and she holds fast, watching in her periphery until Alexis stands to the side, the gun leveled on Tyson's head.

"This your big plan, Beckett?" he seethes, before struggling.

He's a big man, there's no denying. Kate loses her hold on one of his arms as he thrashes and he takes her moment of weakness to flip them back over, moving both hands to her neck, his knees crushing into her hipbones.

She gasps for air, watching the way his eyes darken as his hands tighten around her throat. This, he knows. This is his style.

She glances over and sees Alexis aiming at Tyson's head, her hand shaking.

"Go ahead and try," Tyson seethes as Kate claws at his arms. "See which one of us you hit."

Alexis hesitates at that.

Kate can't let her become a killer. Not for this. Not for him.

She strikes out, manages to grab his ear and twist, the cartilage bending beneath her fingers even as she can feel herself losing strength, the need for air growing greater.

But his hands loosen just a fraction. It hurts. She knows it does.

In his moment of distraction, she manages to rock her hips, setting him off balance just enough for her to force him off of her. She uses the momentum to wrench her neck free.

He grabs for her but she gets a knee on his chest, a fist to the side of his head. It dazes him and she gains the upper hand, rising up to grab his shoulders, lift him up, and slam him back down. His head hits the concrete with a sickening thud and he goes slack beneath her.

She pins him down, exerting force, doesn't believe it for a second. She slams his head against the floor again, and sees no response.

But she doesn't believe it.

"Kate," Alexis says softly.

"Come here," Kate instructs, watching the man's face like a hawk before drawing his arms in and holding them down against his chest, her full weight resting on his wrists, like a reverse police hold. "Pistol whip him."

"What?" Alexis lets out.

"Turn the gun around and strike his temple, both sides."

"He's down," Alexis tells her.

"Just—please," Kate says, glancing at her briefly.

Whatever she sees must convince her, because Alexis Castle rears back and slams the butt of the gun into Tyson's right temple, then his left, each hit reverberating around the small room.

His body jolts with the first, and goes completely slack with the second.

They stay there for a moment, Kate held fast over him, Alexis crouched at his head.

"Okay," Kate says, a whisper. "Okay. Go to the door."

"Kate," Alexis protests.

"Go to the door, hold the gun on him. I'll be right there."

She waits, listening as Alexis does as she's told. Then slowly, Kate releases her hold. He doesn't spring up. She climbs gingerly off of him, noting for the first time the intense pain in her pelvis. She manages to stand, staring down at the blank face of their captor—this man who has terrorized them, left marks all over her, stolen Alexis' innocence.

She kicks one of his legs out to the side then walks calmly to the door, where Alexis stands, gun held steadily back at Tyson.

"Come on," Kate says, taking the gun from her and kicking her jeans through the door before guiding her into the stairwell. She knocks the pipe out, and lets the door slam shut.

She leans down and opens the hatch. She levels the gun on his thigh and, with a steadiness that almost scares her, shoots with deadly aim. She watches in cold satisfaction as the bullet hits its mark, as blood begins to flow.

He won't be getting back up to follow them.

"Come on," she repeats, taking Alexis' hand and starting up the stairs.

"Kate," Alexis whispers as Kate falters at her first step.

Agony spreads through her abdomen—a white-hot pain flaring from either side of her pelvis with each raise of her leg. Alexis ducks under her arm, lending support as they climb the long twelve stairs and step into the foyer.

It's bright.

Kate blinks and feels Alexis listing into her, both of them stunned and dazed. It's so bright. The dingy room seems iridescent, the edges blurry with the force of the light.

"Phone," Alexis manages.

"Phone," Kate agrees. Instead she turns, cupping the girl's cheek in her hand. "You okay?" she asks, sweeping over her gaunt face, checking for cuts, bruises, anything.

Alexis nods and steps into her, wrapping her arms carefully over her still-bleeding back. Kate grips her hard, closing her eyes against the light even as she keeps the gun subtly pointed toward the door.

She knows he can't follow. She does.

"We're out," Alexis mouths into her neck.

Kate nods and pulls back, trying to smile, even though it feels like her face can't quite figure out how. "Phone," she says. "Call dad."

"Call dad," Alexis agrees, a beam splitting her face. "Call dad."

She turns, keeping hold of Kate's hand and searches the room. Kate tries, but everything is just a little blurry, and tilted.

She squeezes her eyes shut and opens them, feeling a slow-blooming pain on the back of her head. Shit. He slammed her head against the floor.

"There," Alexis says, tugging gently on her hand and guiding her over to a wall phone. They'll have to try and find Tyson's cell, see if they can't figure out where the hell they are.

Kate reaches out and takes hold of the white, plastic phone. It feels foreign in her hand. "Here," she says, passing the gun to Alexis.

Alexis raises an eyebrow. "Thought you didn't want me taking a life."

"Zombies are different. Ask your dad," Kate manages, smiling for real as Alexis lets out a loud laugh.

Kate turns and dials Castle's number, knows it by heart. As it rings, she realizes she should have called the boys first.

But when he picks up, his gruff "Castle," floating along the line, her eyes fill with tears.

"Castle," she breathes out.

There's silence for a beat and Kate pulls Alexis closer, presses the phone between their ears, both of them facing the door to the basement, Alexis' arm extended, gun poised for an assailant who won't come.

"Beckett?" he whispers.

"Yeah," she manages, bumping Alexis with her hip. She withholds a harsh gasp as it sends more pain flaring across her body.

"Hi daddy," Alexis says, trembling.

"Alexis?" the anguish in his voice makes her heart break and Kate feels tears pouring down her cheeks.

"We're alive, Castle," she gets out, laughing as Alexis swipes at her cheeks and presses against her shoulder. "Come get us."

"They're alive," they hear Castle yelling immediately. A second later, there's a scuffle on the other end.

"Beckett?" Esposito asks. "Beckett, where are you?"

"I don't know," Kate admits. "But Tyson's in the basement, and we're upstairs. Can you trace us?"

"On it now," she hears. That's Ryan.

Oh God. She's missed them. All three of them.

"Beckett, are you all right?" That's Gates.

"Alexis is fine," Kate says immediately.

"You're in Sleepy Hollow," Ryan announces.

"Sleepy Hollow?" Castle and Esposito exclaim.

"Fuck really?" Alexis mumbles.

"Alexis!" Castle squeaks out. Both she and Alexis laugh.

"How long, Ryan?" Kate asks.

"Forty minutes, if we get you," Ryan says quickly.

"If—go, go," she hears Gates says. "Beckett, you okay?" she asks.

"Send a bus," Kate decides, her fingers skating on the ridges of Alexis' ribs.

"I'm going to hand you to Castle now, or he may shoot me," Gates announces. "Glad you're okay, girls," she adds.

"Thank you, sir," Kate gets in before Castle's heavy breathing comes back over the line.

"You're okay?" he asks, and she can hear Esposito and Ryan bickering about who gets to drive, the three of them already in the elevator.

"We need some food, and a good check over, but we're okay," Kate assures him. She's fairly certain she needs more than a check over, but it'll do. That's enough for now.

"Alexis, baby," Castle lets out.

"I'm okay, dad," Alexis promises. "Kate kept me safe."

"Promise?" he asks, his voice small and crackling, just enough cell service left in the garage for them to hear him.

"Promise," she and Alexis tell him.

Kate shifts and gasps out loud, nearly dropping the phone as she doubles at the pain. He must have fractured something, and the adrenaline is wearing off fast.

"Kate?" she hears Castle shout.

"She's okay," Alexis tells him. "But hurt. Dad, I need to take care of her."

"No," Kate mutters, squeezing the girl's hand. "Talk to him."

"No," Alexis insists. "We're fine, I _promise_," she adds to Castle. "But I need to help her. We'll see you soon."

"See you soon," she hears before Alexis hangs up.

"Alexis," Kate mumbles, trying to breathe steadily. But something is wrong with her right hip, she can feel it. Hip or pelvis. Something.

"You need to sit down."

"Can't," Kate pants out. She won't be able to bend that way, she doesn't think.

"Then lean," Alexis instructs, guiding her to the edge of the kitchen, so she can prop her up against one of the cabinets. "Hold the gun," she instructs, very no-nonsense.

Kate nods and takes the proffered weapon, holding it unsteadily toward the door. She loses sight of Alexis around the edge of the cabinet, but she can hear her fumbling around.

She returns a minute later with an old jacket and Kate's jeans. Kate eyes the jacket warily. She knows she needs something, can't very well be top naked when the guys arrive. But she's loathe to wear anything of Tyson's.

Alexis gives her a sympathetic look. "I know. But please?"

Kate nods and lets the girl help her into the faded blue sweatshirt. "Thanks," she says as Alexis zips her in. The girl nods and they slowly manage to get her feet into the jeans. Alexis has to pull them up and do the button, but Kate can't find it in herself to be embarrassed. At least they're out and she's clothed.

"Water?" Alexis asks.

"You first," Kate insists.

Alexis rolls her eyes but does as she's told, returning with two glasses of water and a stack of American cheese slices. "It's all he has," Alexis offers with a shrug. "Date's good."

"Anything's better," Kate agrees, taking a sip of her water.

Alexis glances around and grabs a TV tray from the living room, hauling it over so they can place their glasses down. She unwraps a piece of cheese and hands it to Kate before moving around to lean back with her.

Alexis practically inhales her first piece, quickly unwrapping a second.

"Slow down," Kate chides, glancing at her.

Alexis glares but nods. "M'hungry," she mumbles.

"I know," Kate agrees, taking her own bite. She stills as nausea roils in her stomach again.

"Kate?" Alexis whispers.

"Fine," she manages, swallowing with effort before putting down the cheese.

"You're not," Alexis says, stepping away to get a good look at her. "Did—your head?"

Kate blinks her assent, realizing suddenly that nodding wouldn't be a good idea. "They're coming," she tells the girl as Alexis' face grows tight with worry. "Your dad's coming, and there'll be an ambulance. We're fine," she promises.

"But you're—what happened? What hurts?" Alexis demands, gesturing toward Kate's pelvis.

"He dug in with his knees," Kate offers. "I don't know, but it hurts. But they're coming," she repeats as Alexis bites at her lip.

"Let me at least hold the gun," Alexis decides.

Kate acquiesces. It's not even a precaution, just a symbol, something to make them feel safe. They are safe, she reminds herself. They're safe, and Castle and the boys are coming, and they're going to be okay.

"What's the first thing you want to go when you get home?" Kate asks, forcing herself out of a downward spiral.

Alexis considers her for a moment. "Sleep in a bed," Alexis decides.

"Yeah," Kate agrees. "Shower."

"Oh, wait, yeah," Alexis says. "Shower. Then eat…everything dad has, shower again, and go to sleep."

Kate nods. "Sounds good. Might make one of the showers a bath."

"Oh my god, a bath," Alexis whispers.

Kate laughs. "I might be sponge bathing it for a little while." She grimaces. Ugh, that's probably true.

"Oh," Alexis lets out. "Will you be okay?" Kate gives her a look and Alexis laughs. "No, I mean, alone. You probably—actually, you definitely shouldn't lift anything for a while. And how are you going to get up and lie down with your hip like that? And—"

"Alexis," Kate cuts in. "I'll figure it out."

Alexis considers her. "Promise me something," she demands.

"Anything," falls out of Kate's mouth before she can stop it.

"Don't run away," Alexis says, less assurance there. It's almost a plea, and Kate's heart breaks.

"I promise," she gets out, her throat tight. "I won't. I told you we'd do Temptation Lane, didn't I?"

Alexis nods, reaching up to scratch at the arm leveled at the door. "Right."

They fall into silence for a few minutes, drinking their water and waiting. The house is quiet. Birds chirp outside. Trees rustle. It's strange, to hear these things now. It was so quiet in the basement. So quiet, and isolated, and dark.

"But how are you going to watch Temptation Lane if you don't come home with us?"

Kate looks over at her where Alexis has wandered to lean against the edge of the island in the kitchen. Kate opens her mouth, but nothing comes out.

"I mean, you'll need help, and someone will need to change the dressings on your cuts. And I already _know_ where all of them are. It's just practical," Alexis continues, not looking at her.

"Alexis," Kate says.

Alexis shrugs. "It just makes sense. And I mean, I know your dad probably has to work. And I'll have to be home for a while, I'm sure. Dad will want me to be, anyway. So it's really just keeping us together, making caretaking easier for everyone—"

"Alexis," Kate repeats. "Honey," she adds as Alexis opens her mouth again. Alexis looks over at her. "If you want me to recover at your loft, I will. I mean, we—well, you probably don't have to clear it with your dad. But we should," she adds.

She really shouldn't be making that promise. She doesn't know what Castle will want. But Alexis wants her there. And Alexis is who she's been locked up with for almost three weeks. Alexis gets whatever she wants. And this, Kate can do.

"Okay," Alexis says with a decisive nod. "Okay. Castle convalescence," she decides.

Kate laughs. "You got it." Alexis looks around and grins. "What?" Kate asks.

"Here," Alexis says happily, walking over with something in her hand.

Her father's watch.

Kate takes it from her with gentle hands, turning it over to look at the cracked face. "Thanks," she whispers.

Alexis nods and helps her fasten it around her wrist. She reaches into her pocket for Kate's mother's ring, but Kate shakes her head.

"When I'm better," she explains, tapping next to her re-opened bullet wound. "You hang onto it."

"You sure?" Alexis asks quietly.

Kate nods. "Thank you," she adds, reaching out to tug the girl in for a hug.

"Thank you," Alexis says, leaning against her.

"Always," Kate whispers, smiling as Alexis huddles closer, turning her face into Kate's neck.

Kate takes the gun from her and holds the kid close with one arm. Allowing her to relax while Kate stands sentinel.

A long while later, they hear sirens in the distance. Alexis pulls back and Kate forces herself to stand up straight. Alexis glances eagerly at the window, then looks back at her. Kate clenches her jaw as she starts shuffling toward the door. Shit, he really did a number on her.

"Here," Alexis says, ducking under her arm. She wraps her arm around Kate's torso and together they make their way out onto the porch.

They stand there, arms around each other as Ryan and Espo's cruiser speeds up the long dirt drive, an ambulance not far behind. Two other cruisers file in after them. The gumballs create a dizzying pattern of lights against the already harsh glare of the sun, and Kate squints, feeling Alexis leaning closer.

"Get ready," she whispers as the back door of the boy's cruiser bursts open.

Castle sprints toward them, nearly falling twice over the rocky driveway as he approaches. Kate and Alexis shuffle to the edge of the porch and Kate releases the girl just as Castle hurtles up the three steps to them.

He wraps Alexis in his arms and Alexis goes willingly, her frame disappearing into Castle's as he grips at her, whispering her name over and over.

Kate watches, reaching up with her free hand to wipe at her cheeks just as Esposito and Ryan jog up to them. Esposito immediately pulls his gun and points it at the door, allowing Kate to stand down. Ryan reaches out and pulls her into a hug.

She yelps, but hugs back, holding fast when he tries to pull away. "Hey," she manages.

"God, Beckett," Ryan says, pulling back to take her in.

Esposito squeezes her hand. "You good?" he asks.

"Been better," Kate decides. Smiling as both of them huff at her. "He's in the basement," she adds to Esposito, handing over the gun. "Door locks behind you, so don't let it."

"Got it," Esposito says. "Do I need a vest?"

"No," Kate replies. "But bring Ryan."

Esposito nods and the two of them disappear into the house, followed by a few other uniforms.

Kate turns and finds Castle moving toward her. Before she can stop him, he's wrapped her up, his large, warm hands connecting solidly with the cuts below her dingy sweatshirt.

She groans into his neck. He tries to pull back, but she holds him there, too shocked and safe to let him go for the pain.

"Hi," she whispers into his neck.

"Beckett," is all he manages.

"We're okay," she promises him, finally pulling back so she can see his face.

"Kate's not," Alexis asserts, rolling her eyes as Kate glares at her. "Can you tell the ambulance to move closer?" she adds.

Kate looks out and notes the ambulance parked behind Ryan and Espo's cruiser.

"Why?" Castle asks.

"Because Kate can't really walk," Alexis explains.

"What?" he yelps, pulling back to hold her by her elbows, peering at her. "What's wrong?"

"I—" Kate starts.

"Tyson pinned her with his knees on her hips, and I think he broke something," Alexis says for her. "And she's—we need to go to the hospital, okay?" she decides.

"You need an IV," Kate says as Castle takes off for the ambulance. "And—"

"You do too," Alexis says easily. "And like a gallon of antibiotics."

"Yeah," Kate agrees.

Castle jogs back toward them. "They've only got one stretcher," he says with a grimace.

"Kate," Alexis says before Kate can even try. "I'll sit up front."

"You will not," Kate argues. "I can wait."

"No you can't," Alexis insists. "And you need to lie down."

"I," Kate begins, grimacing. This is going to hurt like hell.

"There's a seat in there too," Castle offers hesitantly. "Two, actually. Enough space for all of us."

Kate feels her lips twitching. "Fine," she says, leveling a look at Alexis. "But they check you first."

"No!" Alexis exclaims.

"Yes," she insists. "Castle?"

"I, uh," he says. "Well, yeah, but Alexis, are you—"

"I'm not hurt," Alexis says emphatically. "I'm not the one he cut up. They need to see to you first bef—"

"Detective?"

They turn and find the ambulance already backed up to the edge of the porch, two friendly-looking EMTs waiting patiently for them to stop bickering.

"Her first," Alexis says, smirking as Kate sighs, the EMTs walking toward her already.

"She needs an IV for fluids and electrolytes, and sugars," Kate manages, pointing at Alexis. "And she needs a check for tetanus, just in case."

"And she's got a broken pelvis," Alexis says as the other EMT gently guides her up and into the ambulance.

"Your pelvis is broken?" the first EMT, a nice, pimply twenty-something says quickly.

"I don't know," Kate mumbles. "Maybe. It," she sighs, glancing at Castle. She didn't anticipate having to detail this in front of him. "A six-foot-tall man basically jammed both knees into my hips, and then there was a struggle, so I don't know."

"Okay," the kid says hesitantly, reaching around to guide her forward. His hand lands on her cuts and this time, she cries out.

"Beckett," Castle says, reaching for her instantly.

"Detective," the EMT says gently.

Kate sighs and nods, allowing the kid to raise the back of her sweatshirt. At least Castle's on her other side.

"Oh God," the kid mutters. "Okay. We need to get you to a hospital. A comprehensive one. Sir, can you help me lift her into the bus?"

Castle nods, and before she can say anything, they're lifting her by her armpits and into the back of the ambulance. She can't help nearly screaming as they get her onto the stretcher, the pain licking across her pelvis in jagged pulses. She doesn't even notice as they get an IV in her arm, as they open the sweatshirt and tend to the wounds on her torso. It's not until they're already driving that she fully gets back her senses.

"And she's probably got a second concussion," she hears. "He hit her head against the floor today. And I think the seventh cut on her back is really infected. Has been for about five days."

She loses track then as one of the EMTs carefully prods at her pelvis. When the pain fades down to a dull roar, she tunes back in.

"She wouldn't," Alexis says, and Kate cranes her neck to spot a glance at her, sitting on her left next to Castle, an IV in her arm. "She wouldn't let him touch me, dad. And he just kept hurting her," she says, startling when she notices Kate watching.

"I'm okay," Kate insists, even as the pimply EMT tuts.

"You were just screaming," Alexis argues.

"Yeah, well, I can see all the bones in your face, but I know you'll be okay," Kate tosses back.

Castle blanches and Kate cringes. Right. They've developed a bit of a macabre sense about the whole thing. He, however, hasn't.

"Is it that bad?" Alexis wonders, looking to Castle.

He just stares at her. "You're alive," is what he decides on.

Alexis nods and squeezes the hand he's holding. "Are we almost there?" Alexis asks the other EMT, a woman with curly hair and kind eyes.

"Almost," she tells the teen. "How you doin'?" she asks Kate.

"Okay," Kate offers.

"Scale of one to ten."

Kate considers herself. "Five, but I'm not moving right now."

The woman considers her. "I don't know how much I trust your pain tolerance," she says, jotting something onto her chart. "They'll probably send for an x-ray and get an ultrasound before they debride your wounds."

"Debride?" Castle cuts in.

Kate looks at the EMT and subtly shakes her head.

"She'll be fine," the woman assures him. "Some antibiotics and stitches, and probably a week or two of bed rest and she'll be up and going."

Kate nods, then winces, raising the hand without the IV to her head.

"And you'll probably want to stay away from anything but movies for a week or so," the woman adds.

Kate sighs then looks back at Castle and Alexis.

"Kate can stay with us, right?" Alexis says immediately. Kate shoots her a look, but Alexis ignores her. "She'll need help, and—"

"If she wants to," Castle says softly.

"She said she would," Alexis insists.

"She did?" Castle wonders, glancing at her. He's careful to keep his eyes on her face, not her chest.

Kate offers him a slight smile. "Persuasive, your kid." Alexis glares at her. "What?"

"You're making it sound like I'm the only reason."

"Um," Kate manages.

"God. Seriously. How many near-death experiences does it take to just tell each other—"

"Hey," Kate cuts in as Castle's eyes go wide. "Leave me something to tell your dad myself, would you, Lindsay?"

"Lindsay?" Castle says, looking between them as the ambulance comes to a stop. "What does that mean?"

But before either of them can answer, the EMTs are swinging open the doors and lifting her down to the ground. Castle helps Alexis out, and then they're swept up by doctors, asking about pain, and time, and all of a sudden, Kate can't see Alexis anymore.

"Alexis," she says, shifting. Something clenches hard in her chest, panic starting to claw up her throat. "Wait, where's Alexis?"

"Kate," Alexis calls out, ignoring something Castle says and rushing after, holding her own IV bag above her head. "Where are you taking her?" she demands of the doctor currently checking Kate's vitals as they wheel her down a bright hallway.

"She needs to go to a trauma room," he tells Alexis.

"I want to go with her," Alexis insists.

"I'm sorry, but we need to check her over. And you need to get to a room yourself," he adds, taking stock of her IV.

"But," Alexis says quickly.

"Pumpkin, let them take care of Beckett," Castle says, appearing at her shoulder. He's hazy, haloed. They all are.

"But where are they taking you?" Alexis asks her.

Kate glances at Castle. "Double room?" He nods. "I'll be back," she promises his daughter. "Let them take care of you, okay?"

Alexis goes to protest, but then glances down the hall. "Lanie!" she exclaims.

"Lanie?"

The woman in question appears beside her stretcher, looking crazed.

"And you are?" Kate's doctor says impatiently.

"Doctor Parish," Lanie offers, waving him off. "You guys are okay," she lets out, touching Alexis' cheek and squeezing Kate's hand.

"Lanie will take care of her," Castle says to Alexis. "Let's let them to their job, okay?"

Alexis nods reluctantly and allows Castle and another team of doctors to guide her away. Lanie shifts to the side of Kate's stretcher, taking her hand and bombarding her doctor with questions he doesn't yet know the answers to as they wheel her into a trauma room.

"The EMTs said you think your pelvis is broken?" her doctor asks.

"Maybe," Kate offers, watching the spectacled man pass out a few lead aprons. One of the nurses lays one over Kate's torso.

"No chance you're pregnant?" the nurse asks quickly.

"God no," Kate says.

"Okay. Shooting," someone says, swinging around a huge machine. They take a bunch of x-rays, and there's a then there's more movement, all of it hazy and confusing as someone wheels over an ultra sound.

The whole room is bright and loud and overwhelming. Kate closes her eyes against it, fighting a flinch as they cut off her jeans and rub gel on her stomach. She didn't ever want to wear those pants again anyway.

"All right, no internal bleeding detected," a resident says as Lanie stands at the head of the bed.

"There's no breaks on the right or left."

"Major swelling to the iliacus on the left and fluid around the femoral neck on the right," someone else says as they begin cutting off her sweatshirt.

"All right, let's get Ortho down here. Drain that fluid."

"Lanie, English?" Kate pleads as they cut the front of her sweatshirt off. Lanie stands dazed, staring at her chest, at what Kate knows to the deep, puffy red crosshatch of her skin. "Lanie?"

"You have damage to the muscle on left hip, and fluid around the joint on the right. You're in for a bit of a lie down."

"Can you sit?" one of the nurses asks her.

"With help?" Kate hedges, surprised when the exam table starts moving, gently shoving her into a sitting position.

"Dr. Parish, can you support her while we check her back?"

Lanie nods and sits gingerly on the side of the table, providing her arm for Kate to lean against as they lower the back of the table and remove what's left of her sweatshirt.

"Shit, Kate," Lanie breathes out.

The whole room goes silent. The shock of the cold room flares across the cuts. Kate squeezes her eyes shut and grips at Lanie's arm with her free hand.

"Okay, get me some anesthetic. Detective," the doctor says. "We'll need to re-open these to clean them, and we'll start you on a high-dose intravenous antibiotic right away, all right?"

"Uh-huh," Kate manages, trying to count in her head. They'd taught her all those months ago to count away the pain.

It just hurts so much already.

"Are you allergic to any medications?"

"No," Lanie provides for her. "She was shot in the chest last year. An eco wouldn't hurt."

The doctor nods. "I need Imipenum STAT," he calls to someone out in the hall, then moves to her back. Lanie strokes Kate's hair as someone comes bustling back in with a giant needle and another IV bag.

"What happened?" Lanie whispers.

"Bad," Kate manages as they dab a tiny cloth against her back.

"Detective, I'm going to start to anesthetize your back. We'd rather keep you awake with the concussion, so no general anesthesia."

"You've got a concussion?" Lanie asks as the needle pierces her skin.

Kate hisses and closes her eyes again.

"Slammed my head on the floor," Kate tells her, forcing herself to talk through it. "He tried to…he tried to rape me," she gets out. "But I managed to kill him before he did."

The room goes silent again. She peeks open an eye and finds a few residents staring at her. Louder than she thought then.

"Honey," Lanie breathes out.

"I'm okay," Kate decides. "Numb," she adds, realizing that the anesthetic is spreading over her back.

"You'll get the good stuff once they figure out how bad your head is," Lanie assures her. "Alexis?"

"Just fine," Kate says, cringing. She can't quite feel them slicing her open now, but she knows it's happening. There's a strange pulling. She's glad they're not telling her what's going on. The pallor to Lanie's face tells enough as she watches the procedure.

"We were so worried," Lanie says, turning back to look at her, their faces close together. "I don't think Castle slept at all."

"But I brought her back," Kate says. "She's okay. She's okay, Lanie."

Lanie nods and squeezes the hand Kate has wrapped into her shirt. "I know. You did good, Kate."

Kate sighs and rests her forehead against Lanie's cheek, going limp as the adrenaline finally starts to fade. She's in a lot of pain, even with her back numb. Her hips are killing her and her torso burns, and her stomach feels like it's full of knots.

The world starts to narrow after a moment and she squeezes Lanie's forearm.

"Kate?"

"Think m'fainting," Kate mumbles before her vision tunnels and everything goes black.


	7. Chapter 7

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 7**:

She fires the shot straight and true, and Tyson crumples over her, landing heavy on her chest. She lets out a yelp but fights through the pain to push him off, feeling his blood seeping onto her skin, the hole in the center of his head dripping beside her.

She manages to haul herself up, heart pounding, and turns back, only to see Alexis slumped on the floor.

"Alexis," she gasps, pulling herself across the room. Her legs won't move. Why won't her legs move?

"Alexis," she calls, taking the girl's face in her hands. It's slack, lifeless. She scans the girl's body and feels a moan cutting up her throat.

The bullet. The bullet she used to kill Tyson is lodged in the girl's neck, right in her carotid. Blood spills from it, bubbling up, but Alexis doesn't move.

She's killed her.

She tried to save her, and she killed her.

Kate hauls the girl forward, cradling her head against her shoulder even as her life's blood spills down between them, running in rivulets down Kate's broken chest.

"I'm so sorry," she whispers. "Alexis," she whispers. "Alexis please."

"Kate."

"Alexis."

"Kate," the voice is louder this time.

She slams her eyes open.

Bright lights, whirring machines.

…she's in the hospital. She's in the hospital, and Alexis is okay. They're out. They're out and Tyson's dead, and they're safe.

"Alexis," Kate mumbles, struggling against her heavy limbs. Her mouth feels like it's filled with cotton. Her head is buzzing, or maybe that's the fan or the lights. She can hear the steady beep beep of a heart monitor. Maybe two heart monitors.

What she can't see, what she can't hear, is Alexis.

"Alexis," she repeats, managing to lift her head, only to grunt and drop it back.

"Kate, hey."

She searches for the voice and Castle's face swims into her field of vision.

"Alexis," she says, reaching up with the one hand she can move to grip his forearm as he braces himself above her. "Where's Alexis?"

He smiles softly and shifts, pointing to her left. She turns her head, and around a bit of curtain and a few machines, she can see her. The teen sleeps peacefully in her hospital bed, an IV in her arm and about a million pillows behind her head.

"She's fine," Castle assures her. Kate stares at the girl for a long moment, then turns her head, looking back at Castle. "How you doin'?"

Kate blinks at him, trying to take stock. But she can't exorcize that image from her mind, can't banish the sight of Alexis bloody and lifeless against her chest.

"I'm sorry," Kate gets out.

"Whoa, Kate," he says as she shifts on the bed, her hand wrapping into his sleeve.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," she whispers.

She's not sure what she's apologizing for—for Alexis, for him, for herself. For her lie?

For her lie.

She has to tell him. She has to tell him. She promised she'd tell him.

"Castle," she says urgently.

"Let me get—"

"No. Castle," she insists, waiting until he looks at her. "I'm _sorry_."

"For what?" he asks, his voice almost light, looking for all the world like nothing happened, like he used to back in the winter, with that beautiful smile in his eyes.

"I'm sorry I lied," she clarifies.

He gapes at her. "Kate, what?"

"I lied. I was scared, I'm sorry. I got…it was—I got scared, and then I wanted to be better. And I am, I'm better. Well, I was better." She's rambling. She can do this. "But the longer it went, the more scared I got, and then you found out and I'm so sorry, Castle. I'm so sorry."

"Hey," he placates, brushing the hair from her temple. "You don't have to—"

"But I love you," falls out before she can really think about it. His eyes go wide, his face slack. "I love you, and I should have said. I should have explained better. And I'm sorry, Castle. I didn't mean to—"

He cuts her off, his lips warm and soft against hers. She gasps as he pulls back, his face held close to hers.

"Castle," she whispers.

He just smiles, running his fingertips down the uninjured side of her face. "I'm so happy to see you," he tells her, cupping her cheek in his palm.

She breathes, her lungs drinking in the smell of him, eyes soaking up the sight.

"Shouldn't you say it back?"

Both of them turn to look at Alexis as she stretches, watching them with a glint in her eye.

"Shouldn't you be singing 'Let's Get Together?'" Kate manages, watching as Alexis laughs.

She looks back at Castle finds him glancing between them. "What?" he asks.

"Nothing," she promises.

"Seriously, dad," Alexis prods.

Castle looks over at his daughter, then grins. "Oh," he says, turning back to look at Kate. "Oh," he repeats, bending forward to kiss her forehead. "I love you too."

Kate smiles, feeling her body release, all of her muscles going slack. "Good," she mumbles. She tries to shift, to make room for him to sit fully, so he can see both of them, but she can't move her legs.

"Trussed up?" she asks, confused.

He shakes his head. "They've got you in traction for a few days. Your hip is immobilized," he explains.

"Cold," she says, realizing that half of her lower torso is wrapped in ice.

"Yeah, they're trying to get the swelling down on the other hip," he agrees.

"Feel weird," she says. It's strange. It's like there's a little disconnect between what she's thinking and what she manages to say. Everything's slightly hazy and strange. It's so bright.

"That's the concussion," he tells her, squeezing her hand.

"And probably the infection and antibiotics too," Alexis adds. "You got the good cocktail."

"Want some?" Kate manages, looking over at her. "Can share."

Alexis laughs and shakes her head, shifting onto her side so she can look at them.

"She's got a pretty good cocktail too," Castle informs Kate. "All sorts of nutrients and electrolytes and fluids. It's like a whole meal in a tube."

"Doesn't taste like one," Alexis mumbles.

"No food?" Kate wonders.

"Saltines," Alexis says with a grimace.

"They just want to make sure your stomach is okay," Castle protests. "They're not even giving Kate food yet."

"That's just because she's been bringing it up for three weeks. I'm _fine_," Alexis says petulantly.

"Let the doctors take care of you," Kate says, struggling to keep her eyes focused. "S'bright in here."

"Yeah," Alexis agrees. "And they covered the lights for us too."

"Huh?"

"They put cloth over the lights. It's half bright in here, Beckett," Castle says. "Doc says it'll take a few days for your eyes to adjust."

"Jeez," Kate mumbles. "How long are we here for?"

"You? At least the rest of the week," Castle says softly.

"Us," Alexis corrects.

"Pumpkin," Castle starts.

"Nu-uh," Alexis huffs. "Kate's here. I'm here."

Kate looks between them, feeling like they've already gone through this at least once. "Home nurse?" she whispers.

Castle looks down and beams at her. _Beams_ at her. "Still up for a stay at Casa Castle?" he asks.

Oh. Right. She disappeared on him last year. Right around now too.

Wait.

"Alexis. School," she says, feeling disjointed.

"I have one final," Alexis says easily. "I'll figure it out."

"I'm sure they'll give you an extension if you need it," Castle chimes in. "We could get a tutor to come to the house."

"I don't need a tutor," Alexis grumbles.

"You need a physical therapist," Kate offers.

"_You_ need a physical therapist," Alexis shoots back.

"I already have one," Kate says, waving her hand. The other one feels so heavy, at least two IV streams pumping into it. "He doesn't do house calls though."

"I bet he does," Castle says.

"No," Kate says, trying to sound commanding, but it comes out more like a whine. "No throwing money—"

"Katie!"

She looks toward the door and sees her father bursting through, Martha close behind. She grips at Castle's wrist as he goes to stand. He looks down at her and smiles, nodding toward Alexis' bed before moving.

She misses him the moment he's gone. Oh, God, how is she supposed to share him with Alexis?

"Katie," her dad says, sliding into Rick's space, his hip perched at the edge of her bed. "Katie," he repeats, eyes combing her face.

"Hey dad," she says, taking the hand he wraps around her own. "I'm okay."

"You," he starts, then shakes his head. "I'm so glad you're alive," he whispers, his face tight, like he's trying not to cry.

"Me too," she says, squeezing his hand. "But I'm okay. We're both okay."

He nods and offers her a tired smile. She can see the bags under his eyes, the same bags Castle has under his. She spent all of that time worrying about how Castle must feel. She didn't really think about her father. She knew he'd be worried. But it never occurred to her. She's Jim's Alexis.

"Martha filled me in," Jim says quietly as Castle, Alexis, and Martha huddle together, giving them privacy. "How are you feeling?"

"Not sure," Kate admits. "Kinda numb. I can't really move and everything's blurry."

"How's your heart?"

Kate blinks. "Um," she says, glancing to Castle.

"Did they say anything about her heart?" Jim asks, looking toward the group.

"Fine," Castle says immediately. "She's fine. They've both lost muscle tone everywhere, but nothing lasting," he assures her father.

Jim nods at him, and the two exchange a look. Kate wonders if they've spent time together these last three weeks.

"I gotta say, Katie," Jim says, his face lighter now. "You're making me old."

Kate laughs softly. "Sorry, dad."

He smiles and squeezes her hand. "How long are you here for?"

"About five days, Castle says," Kate recounts.

"And after that?" She watches as he scrutinizes her reaction, the way his shoulders are slightly turned from Alexis' hospital bed.

Kate smiles. She knows this will make him happy. "I'm gonna stay with Castle and Alexis," she says quietly. "Alexis offered to recover with me."

"Good," Jim says immediately. Kate blushes as he raises an eyebrow. "You let them take care of you, okay? Better than you let me."

"I…yeah, okay," Kate agrees, ignoring the way Castle's watching them.

She wasn't a very good patient for anyone, least of all her father. She'll have to be better about it with Castle and Alexis. They don't have to love her.

"I love you, dad," Kate lets out. Because he did take care of her for those months. Because he never snapped back, never yelled, never raged. He just took her anger and her pain and her PTSD and helped her heal. Her wonderful father.

"I love you too, Katie," he says, leaning in to press his lips to her forehead.

(…)

"You know they'll be right back."

Kate turns and finds Martha leaning against the doorway.

"I know," Kate says, forcing a smile.

She does know. If only she could stop the stupid clench of panic in her chest, she'd be fine. They're merely going for some scan to make sure Alexis hasn't suffered any internal injuries. Everything happened so fast, the doctors aren't entirely sure she couldn't have a hairline fracture somewhere, or…something.

Kate tried to pay attention, really she did, but all she heard was, "We're taking her," and after that, she couldn't quite focus.

But it's just one test, an hour at most, and she'll be fine. Castle's with her. Even so, they nearly had to haul Alexis out of the room, she was so reluctant.

Kate thought she herself was doing a good job of hiding her anxiety. But apparently not.

Martha watches her for a minute before walking into the room and over to the stiff chair between the beds. She sits slowly and smiles at Kate.

"How are you?"

Kate presses her lips together. Awful. She's awful. She's scared. She's tired. She hurts.

"I'm okay."

Martha tuts and waves toward Kate's trussed up lower half.

"I'm…"

Martha smiles and hesitates for a split second before reaching out to curl her palm over Kate's hand. "You don't have to pretend you're not in pain, darling."

Kate nods slowly. "I know."

"Do you?"

Kate huffs at that and offers the woman a wan smile. "Habit."

"Mm," Martha says, giving her a knowing look. "To hear Alexis tell it, you've suffered much worse than this recently."

Kate blinks. "Oh."

"You fell asleep for a while this morning. They had Richard outside to give him details on Alexis' blood work, and Alexis told me."

"Oh," Kate repeats.

She hadn't thought about this, before. She was so focused on getting out, on keeping Alexis safe, that the aftermath…

She doesn't know what to do with the look Martha's giving her.

"You protected my granddaughter."

"I—"

"I've never doubted your bravery, or your effort to keep my son safe, but his—Katherine, what you've done for Alexis, for our family—"

"Martha," she interjects, desperate to stop what she can feel coming.

She doesn't want their thanks. She just wants this to be over. She wants to go and sit outside with Alexis and laugh and forget it ever, ever happened.

"You saved my granddaughter, my son's—everything. I don't know how we can ever repay you."

Kate shudders, her eyes wet. "Don't," she gets out.

Martha smiles and relinquishes her hand so Kate can swipe at her eyes. "If you think I'm bad…"

Kate manages a short laugh. "I know," she agrees, meeting Martha's eyes. "But I didn't—it wasn't for…this. I—please don't thank me. I let it go on so long."

Martha's gaze hardens. "Don't you dare."

Kate swallows. "But—"

"I don't want to hear you say that you didn't do it soon enough, or good enough. You got out. And without a scratch on that girl. And look at you."

"If I'd just tried harder…"

"Then we might be at a wake."

Kate nods jerkily. "Yeah."

"I don't want to hear a bad word about you, Katherine Beckett."

Kate watches as the woman seems to gather herself. Kate doesn't know what to say. She didn't mean to be heroic, she just wanted to get out, to get them both out without dying. It could have been so much worse, but the reality—it was pretty bad as it was.

"If I hadn't already named my school," Martha mutters.

Kate gasps. "Oh, God, Martha, no. Please, no. I don't want—"

The woman laughs and pats her arm. "All right, dear. All right. Suffice it to say we're very grateful."

Kate manages a little laugh for her. "Okay."

Martha smiles. "Now, is there anything I can get you?"

"A steak?"

Martha chuckles. "I'm afraid not." Kate glances to the door. "Shall I go check on them?"

Kate looks back at her and blushes. "Oh, no. I'm—not."

Martha gives her a very soft look. "Why don't I, just for laughs? Will you be all right here?"

Kate nods, absurdly grateful. It's just wrong, without Alexis here. It feels…wrong.

Martha stands and gently brushes the hair from Kate's forehead. "It's not my place to say, I think, but I'm very proud of you, darling."

Kate opens her mouth, but the woman turns and leaves the room before she can muster more than a ragged breath. She raises her hand to her cheek and tries not to cry.

She didn't want anyone to be proud. She just wanted to get Alexis home.

And she did.

And the world still feels wrong.

(…)

"Kate!"

Kate blinks her eyes open and feels herself relax. The lights are off. Things don't seem so hazy now. There's enough of a glow from the ensuite attached to their room to see by. How Castle managed that one, she doesn't want to know. She feels her body still heavy beneath the blankets, the meds obviously running strong in her system.

They determined she could have a low dose of morphine, since her concussion was ruled mild. It's strange to find herself awake. She should have slept straight through.

"Kate!"

She turns her head and sees Alexis thrashing in her bed. She looks for Castle, but he must have gone home, or is out wandering the halls. That's more likely.

"Alexis," she whispers, licking her lips. "Alexis," she tries again, louder this time.

Alexis twitches, but doesn't wake. "Kate, please," she begs.

"Alexis," Kate all but yells.

The girl goes still and Kate watches as her eyes open, as she searches the room frantically until she spots Kate in the other bed.

"Kate," she whimpers.

If she could just get up…

She opens her mouth as Alexis rises from her bed instantly, halfway to her before Kate can manage words.

"IV," she insists.

Alexis halts and clumsily moves her still draining IV bag to one of the mobile poles. She clutches the metal and hurries to Kate's side. She stares down at her, eyes wet and chin trembling.

"Come 'ere," Kate says, patting the bed.

"But," Alexis starts, hesitating.

There's not a lot of room, that's true. They've taken the ice away for the night though and replaced it with a steroid that makes her whole body buzz. So there's room by her hip. Enough room certainly for the waif that's now Alexis Castle.

"Squeeze," Kate says, lifting the scratchy blanket with her free hand.

Alexis stalls for one more second, then climbs up with her, huddling into her side. She's careful not to knock the holster that keeps Kate's right hip slightly suspended.

Kate moves her shoulder as best she can. She's stiff everywhere. Alexis rests her head in the crook of her arm, careful to keep her hands far from Kate's cuts.

"You okay?" Kate whispers.

Alexis shakes her head. "He killed you."

"He didn't," Kate promises. "I killed him."

Alexis nods. "Where did you shoot him?"

Kate sighs. "He's dead. Let's leave it at that."

"I hope it hurt," Alexis mumbles.

It didn't. He died passed out, bleeding slowly to death. It's not fitting, but it kept them safe. God forbid he had a key out of the basement somehow. She doesn't feel remorse, just satisfaction. And that's why she didn't want Alexis to shoot him. It's put something dark into her that won't ever come out.

Alexis cuddles closer, sighing as she gets comfortable. Kate smiles. That darkness is a worthy price to pay for the life of the teenager using her like a teddy bear.

"You feel okay?" Kate asks.

"Yeah," Alexis sighs out. "Sore."

"I hear that," Kate agrees.

"Sorry."

"Why?"

"I'm not hurt. You are," Alexis says softly.

"Hey," Kate protests. "You're just as much bone instead of muscle as me. You slept on the floor just like me. You didn't see the sun for weeks just like me. I have more injuries, but you're gonna hurt like hell too. Don't feel like you can't complain about it."

"I shouldn't complain to you," Alexis mumbles.

Kate huffs and turns her head, chin brushing the girl's forehead. "I'm not gonna give you looks, or worry about you. When you start worrying that your complaining is giving your dad a complex, you come to me, okay?"

Alexis laughs and nods. "Okay."

"Can you sleep?" Kate whispers.

"Yeah," Alexis breathes out, her body going slack beside Kate's.

Kate smiles. At least one of them will. Now that she's awake, she can feel the buzzing from the steroid, her whole body frenetic. She hates this feeling. It's mildly better with Alexis beside her, but it still sucks. She grimaces as she feels the catheter they haven't yet removed.

She doesn't know how they'd manage a bed pan, but this is horribly uncomfortable.

The door creaks open and Kate watches as Castle comes in. Out walking, then. He takes one look at Alexis' bed and nearly doubles over.

"Castle," Kate calls softly, bringing his attention to her bed.

He deflates, stumbling against the door.

"God," he says as he slowly walks over, sinking into the comfortable armchair they managed to get to place between the beds this afternoon. "Don't do that," he says sternly.

Kate smiles. "Sorry."

"Can you—should she even—"

"Don't you dare move her," Kate threatens, with as much menace as she can muster.

He shakes his head and pulls the chair up to the side of the bed, reaching out to run his hand through his daughter's hair.

"She okay?" he whispers.

"Bad dream," Kate replies. "But she's fine."

He nods and takes her hand in his, his large fingers threading awkwardly through hers. "You okay?"

"Yeah," Kate breathes out. "Fine."

He stares at her, at Alexis' head, his eyes haunted. "I didn't think we'd get you back," he says quietly a few minutes later. "Kept thinking that would be it. We'd get a video someday and you'd both be dead."

"We're here," Kate assures him, squeezing his hand.

"We couldn't find you," he says, his voice rough. "And they did everything. They did everything right, and we couldn't find you."

"We got out," Kate says, trying to bring him out of it.

"But if we'd gotten there sooner," he starts.

"Then we might all be dead," Kate says quickly. Some small part of her mind reminds her that she can't blame herself for the time spent in that basement any more than Castle can. "It happened. It's over. We're safe. Alexis is perfect, and I'll heal. We're out, Castle, and he's gone."

"Good shot," Castle says, meeting her eyes. "Esposito showed me."

Kate shakes her head. "I just didn't want him to get back up before you got to us."

"I'm sorry," he whispers.

"Castle, no."

"But if I hadn't—"

"What? Been in that motel room at the wrong time? This isn't your fault," Kate insists.

"He wouldn't have targeted you guys otherwise," he says harshly. "This is my fault."

"No," Kate says sharply. Alexis shifts against her and they both wait, letting out twin sighs as she settles again. "No. You want to go that route? Then it's just as much Ryan's fault. And it's not his fault, is it?"

"No," Castle replies.

"Then stop. He targeted Alexis, because you did my job, our job. You got closer than anyone else ever had been. And now he's gone."

"At what expense?" he says, meeting her eyes. "My curiosity nearly got you killed. Twice," he adds.

She peers at him. Twice? Twice? What does that—oh, Castle, no. "Castle."

He doesn't look at her.

"Castle," she repeats. "Rick." That does it. "This isn't your fault, and the shooting wasn't your fault." He just stares and the look on his face makes her so angry—so angry at the world, and Tyson, and whoever orchestrated her mother's murder.

"You are not responsible for the people who have tried to kill me," she says softly, holding fast even as he tries to tug his hand away. "And I should have said that sooner," she adds. "I should have called, and I should have told you I was scared, and I should never have told a suspect before I told you I remembered, and I'm sorry. But none of this is your fault."

"Kate," he manages.

"Alexis' abduction isn't your fault. The fact that I was there isn't your fault." Well, actually, that one is the closest to fault, but it's really hers anyway. "The fact that you couldn't find us isn't. Your. Fault." He nods shallowly. "Castle."

"Okay," he mutters. She doesn't believe him. But it's a start

"Okay," she says, squeezing his slightly sweaty palm. "You should try to sleep." He raises an eyebrow and she uses their hands to gesture toward Alexis' unoccupied bed.

He gives her a look. "Beckett."

"It's not like she's using it," Kate says. "And we're fine here. We can't go anywhere. Well, I can't, and I'll try to keep her from wandering off."

He huffs at her then nods, standing slowly. She hears the pops of his back, in his knees. He's creaking, so close to broken. But they're back, and he doesn't have to see them mangled and bloody. Well, he doesn't have to see Alexis like that. And Kate will work hard to keep the worst of it from him, if she can. She doesn't know what he saw while she was unconscious.

She watches as he looks toward Alexis' bed, then back at them. He steps closer and bends down, kissing his daughter's forehead before meeting Kate's eyes. She smiles, trying to give something she doesn't have. She has nothing to give, nothing but honesty and the love that flares hot and white as he leans in and presses his lips to hers.

Her heart gallops and the monitor spikes. He pulls back, smirking, and she blushes, too much teen in her arms to swat at him.

"Shut up," she mumbles.

He grins. "Good night, Kate."

She can't help but smile as he brushes her cheek and turns, loafing over to flop himself down on Alexis' bed. Alexis shifts, her IV hand wrapping into Kate's gown just above her heart. Kate turns her head and watches as Castle watches them, the way his eyelids flutter, holding on until sleep finally takes him.

She doesn't sleep, not for a long while. Instead, she listens to the sound of her heart monitor, the twin beep from Alexis'. How the girl is still even attached to it is beyond her. She listens to Castle's soft snort and Alexis' little whining breaths.

They got out, and finally, she sleeps.


	8. Chapter 8

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 8:**

"Alexis Castle. I'm her mother."

Kate blinks and squints. They've turned the lights back on. Or that's the sunlight? How long does it take to adjust to full light?

"Yes, thank you," she hears.

She looks over and finds Castle still asleep. Alexis is heavy on her left, her head a little sweaty with sleep. Kate couldn't move if she wanted to. But it sounds like they're about to have a visitor.

"Alexis."

Kate looks toward the door and finds Meredith standing there, looking haggard in a pair of jeans and a plain black tee shirt. She's never seen the woman look like that.

Then again, she's only met her once.

"Alexis," Meredith repeats, walking quickly to Kate's bed, reaching out to touch the girl's head as if Kate isn't even there.

Meredith slowly sinks into Castle's empty chair, her hand resting on Alexis' shoulder. She raises her other hand to her mouth and just stares at her daughter.

Kate stays still, lost as to a suitable reaction. She's honestly not sure Meredith has noticed that her daughter is sharing a hospital bed, or if she took note of her ex-husband in the other.

"Kate?" Alexis mumbles, shifting at the feeling of Meredith's hand.

"Sweetheart," Meredith says quietly.

Alexis blinks, her head still turned toward Kate. "What?"

"Your mom's here," Kate whispers, flicking her eyes toward Meredith.

"Detective," Meredith says, seemingly shocked.

She can't hold it against the woman. She's seen tunnel vision before. Hell, she's had a few cases of it herself. A bank explosion comes to mind.

"Meredith?" they hear.

Kate can just see Castle sitting up in Alexis' bed, five-o'clock shadow all over his face, his shirt and pants rumpled.

"I got your message," Meredith explains. "I tried to call before I got on the plane."

"Oh," Castle mumbles. "Sorry."

"I'm okay," Alexis offers, sitting up slightly and turning. "Hi mom."

Meredith surges forward and wraps her arms around her daughter. Kate hisses, the impact jostling the bed and by extension, her hip.

"Shit," Alexis lets out, hopping up and pushing her mother away. She spins around and touches Kate's shoulder. "Kate?"

"M'fine," Kate gets out. "Hug mom."

Alexis opens her mouth but Kate manages to squeeze her hand and the girl reluctantly steps away. Kate watches through squinted eyes as Meredith pulls Alexis into her arms, holding tight, nearly hauling the kid into the air.

Castle appears at Kate's side a moment later. "Do you want a nurse?" he asks as she breathes through the sharp threads of pain.

"No. I'm fine," she assures him. It does hurt just a little less than yesterday.

Of course, then, she shifts, and fire licks up her back. Castle's there in an instant, hovering over her, a hand held gingerly on her shoulder to keep her from moving.

"Alexis," he says, glancing over his shoulder. "Can you press the call button?"

"I'm fine," Kate stresses. "Just hurts," she admits, her hand automatically squeezing his as he slips his palm into hers.

"What hurts?" he asks.

"My back," Kate says, trying to shift up and away from the back of the bed, but they've already got her at about a 60 degree angle, and with her hip immobilized, she's not really able to sit up any further.

"You're not hurt," Meredith says to Alexis. "Right?"

"No," Alexis says, glancing back at Kate, who offers a weak smile. "But Kate is."

"Oh," Meredith says, bringing her daughter back to her side, clutching at her as a nurse bustles in.

She tuts at Kate's efforts to move. "Your back?" Kate nods. "Hold her up, would you?" she asks Castle.

Kate fights a smile as Castle fumbles to do as he's told, bracing her chest with his arm, his other hand moving to cup the back of her neck. She loves Lanie, she does, but Castle makes a much better support. Kate turns her cheek against his arm to look at his face before closing her eyes. She doesn't want to see his reaction to her back. They've sewn her up. Eighty-seven stitches she thinks was the number.

"Kate," he breathes out as the nurse removes her dressing, dabbing at the closed cuts.

"We'll give you some more morphine, honey, and you should stop feeling them so much," the woman says, replacing the dressing with a fresh pad.

Kate gets a glimpse at the previous one, pink and marred with ooze. Ugh.

She sighs as the nurse slathers something cool on her back and covers it up with new gauze padding before ratcheting the bed back up and fiddling with her drip. Kate feels another pillow sliding in behind her, this one softer than before, and realizes Alexis is at her side.

"Dad had Gram bring them from home," she offers with a smile.

"You got these on all the beds over there?" Kate asks as Castle removes his arm and brushes the hair from her forehead.

He smiles and nods, opening his mouth to reply.

"Alexis, dear, why don't we go get a coffee?"

All three of them turn to look at Meredith. Castle just gapes at her while Alexis looks over, unsure.

"She can't have coffee yet," Kate offers.

"Oh," Meredith replies.

"And she needs to stay where the light is low," the nurse adds as she passes Meredith. "Give a call if you need anything, girls. The doctor will be in in a few to check you over."

"Thank you," Castle provides for them.

Then the door swings shut and it's just the four of them, a dysfunctional family, and Kate.

Alexis glances at Castle, then back toward the bathroom. He smiles and nods toward it. All three of them watch as the teen drags her IV pole into the bathroom, snicking the door shut behind her.

Castle looks down at Kate and sighs. "Sorry," he mouths. She squeezes his hand and smiles. Meredith should be here.

"Meredith," Castle says, turning and walking to sit in the visitor's chair. "I'm sorry I had my phone off."

Meredith nods. She stands for a long moment, unsure, then glances toward Kate. "Are you all right? You were abducted with her."

Kate nods, glad to find that the movement doesn't make the whole room spin anymore. "I'm fine." Meredith just stares at her. "I'll be fine," Kate corrects. "And Alexis is perfect."

"Oh my God, Kate. There's hot water," the girl in question announces as she comes out of the bathroom.

She blushes as all three adults turn to look at her. "Didn't you use the bathroom yesterday?" Castle wonders.

"I didn't think to try the hot water," Alexis says with a shrug. "But it's _hot_."

"You should shower," Kate says dramatically. Alexis laughs, nearly falling over with it. "But maybe later. You're loopy."

Alexis giggles harder, but manages to push herself over to her bed and flop down. Kate worries, but the IV stays in. The bag is empty anyway, but she's sure someone will be by to refill it soon, and hopefully offer the kid something solid other than saltine crackers.

Then again, Kate would kill for crackers right now. Or—

"Castle," she says, grabbing his attention away from the sight of Meredith sitting down on Alexis' bed.

"Hmm?"

"Do you have a mint?" Kate asks, almost absurdly hopeful.

He laughs outright. "I'll do you one better. Be right back."

She watches him dart out of the room and shakes her head. Meredith's checking over every inch of her daughter, and Kate takes the moment to do her own exam. She can move all of her fingers, wiggle all of her toes, even if it does make her hips twinge. She can move both arms, and things are starting to get less hazy.

Castle returns with two little cups. _Mouthwash_.

Kate takes hers eagerly, sucking it into her mouth and swishing for at least a minute. She watches Alexis do the same, both of them holding on until they can no longer stand it. It's not graceful, two women spitting into cups, but God, does it feel better.

"Good?" Castle asks.

Kate beams. "So good," she says.

She thought, when she was recovering last summer, that she'd re-learned just how much the small things meant. She has a sneaking suspicion that recovering from three weeks in captivity is going to give small things a whole new definition.

She'd kill for crackers, a shower, a hot cup of tea.

"Can we have tea?" she asks. Huh. Her filter isn't that strong right now. Interesting

"Tea?" Alexis repeats, interrupting something her mother's saying.

"Sugar, water, tea," Kate insists, looking to Castle. "Good on the stomach, right?"

He smiles. "I'll go find out."

He's gone before she can tell him to stay. She knows he'll get up and go like a retriever as many times as they ask. And as much as she wants tea, she also just wants him close, wants to hang onto the feeling of safety and light just seeing him flushes through her system.

"What happened?" Meredith asks, looking between them. "Why can't you eat, and why are the lights so low?"

Alexis looks to Kate, her eyes wide. Kate sighs and brings her hands together, noting for the first time the bruises on her knuckles, from punching Tyson, she assumes.

"Kate came with me—let him take her too," Alexis begins. "She didn't have to."

"Of course I did," Kate says immediately. "I wasn't going to let him take you alone."

Alexis stares at her, then nods. "Um, he—Tyson. Jerry Tyson took us to a log cabin up in Sleepy Hollow and kept us in a basement," she says quietly. "We didn't get much to eat."

"Much?" Meredith manages, her voice tight, her grip on Alexis' hand white-knuckled even from Kate's vantage.

"White bread," Kate says. "A loaf a week."

"A—" Meredith breathes, raising her other hand to trace the strong lines of Alexis' cheekbones. The gowns hide most of the weight loss.

"And he, um, tortured Kate every day," Alexis continues. "That's why—"

"Most of this was the escape," Kate interjects. "The hip at least."

Meredith nods slowly, seemingly paralyzed with the information.

"But we're out," Kate adds. "And with a bit more IV nutrition and slow diet, Alexis will be able to go home soon."

"And the lights?" Meredith asks.

"There wasn't a light in the basement," Alexis says. "I didn't know it was so hard to adjust," she adds, speaking to Kate. "The bathroom's not covered, by the way."

"Good to know," Kate says quietly. "Meredith?" The woman nods again, turning to look at her, her face devoid of any and all of the exuberance Kate's seen and heard about for years. "She's fine. I promise."

Meredith looks back at Alexis. "Promise?"

Alexis nods quickly. "I really am. I'm just tired. Kate took care of me."

Kate watches as Meredith nods and pulls Alexis back in for another hug, watches as Alexis relaxes in her mother's arms. She's jealous. She blinks. She is. She's jealous of Alexis in this moment. She forces herself to look away, to be the adult. Alexis has a mother, and it's wonderful that she showed up.

Before she can focus on it, Castle comes bustling back in, holding two to-go cups, an enormous grin on his face. He passes one to Alexis and kisses her head before heading for Kate.

Kate takes the cup eagerly, barely stopping to blow on it before taking a sip. The liquid spills down her throat. Chamomile tea, she thinks. With sugar. It's the most amazing thing she's ever tasted.

So amazing, she moans.

Castle laughs and scoots the chair closer to her. "Good?" he asks.

She grins and takes another sip. "Fantastic."

"Take it slow," he reminds her, chuckling as she glares at him. "I just don't want to be grabbing the emesis basin," he chides.

"Gross, Castle," Kate mumbles, well aware that she put his daughter through much worse. He could handle it.

"I bet you're cute even when you're vomiting," he offers with a grin.

"Smooth."

"I try," he says, seemingly in a much better mood than the night before. "Can I get you anything else?"

"No," Kate says easily, taking a slow sip. "Well, mobility and a seven course meal, but nothing I can have right now."

"We're so gonna kick ass at whatever diet they put you guys on," he decides. "We should find out so we can plan meals ahead."

"I don't know how much you can do with bland, liquid, then semi-solid food," she says. He raises an eyebrow. "Oh, right. Smorlette."

"What?" he asks.

"Alexis—never mind," she says, wincing. Oh, she's probably brought it on both of them now. That's a soft food. Lots of sugar and chocolate, but it's soft, and he'll probably think it's somehow healthy and complex for the added ingredients.

He just smiles at her, like he knows what she's thinking.

She needs to distract him. "So what have you been up to for the last—" she cuts herself off, horrified. He stares at her and she grimaces. "Sorry, I—"

"Spent a lot of time wishing I'd talked to you," he admits, taking her hand. "I dogged the guys until they kicked me out, and slept in Alexis' bed."

Kate squeezes his hand. "Sorry, I just—"

He bends and kisses her hand. "I know. What did you guys do?" He winces and she shakes her head. "What did you talk about?" he clarifies.

She smiles and laces their fingers together. "You," she says easily. He can't quite help but grin at that. "School, life, boys."

"Boys?"

"She has them too," Kate argues. "And you're a boy half the time anyway." He glares at her. "I may have let on to a few life-and-death situations you hadn't previously told her," she admits quietly, glancing over at Alexis. But Meredith has her deep in conversation already.

"Oh?" Castle wonders.

"Yeah, I, um…my discretion got a little blurry after a while."

He sighs. "Man, Beckett. You kidnap you for what, three weeks? And you snap like a twig."

Kate laughs and takes her hand back to swat at him with it. "Hey."

He smiles. "It's fine. After this, a lot of that looks like child's play."

Kate sighs. "You've got that right. At least I had you. All she had was me." She meets his eyes and finds him staring at her, something dark on his face. "Castle?"

"You saved her life," he says, rising from the chair to lean over her. "You brought her back whole and safe and even laughing. And you," he gestures to the rest of her. "She had a hell of a lot better than me," he asserts.

Kate shakes her head. "Believe me, you're better with morale."

He huffs. "You brought my daughter back. I don't care if you never believe me, but that gets you hero status, Beckett. Deal with it."

She laughs, allowing him to as well. But she sees it there behind his eyes, the debt he feels he has to her now. She'll spend the next fifty years of her life trying to prove him wrong. He doesn't owe her Alexis' life. She saved Alexis because Alexis herself merited saving. Any young woman would, but Alexis—Alexis is special.

"Get a room."

They both turn to find Alexis and Meredith staring at them. Kate blushes and Castle rolls his eyes. Meredith regards them curiously.

"Are you two involved now?" she asks.

"Um," Kate says.

"We," Castle mumbles.

Alexis sighs. "Yes." She rolls her eyes as they both give her a look. "What? He loves you, you love him. I'm sick of it."

Castle lets out a startled laugh and squeezes Kate's hand before plopping back into the chair.

"And that," Kate tells him. "There was a lot of that. I got a lot of lectures."

Meredith just looks puzzled. "I'm sorry. What's going on?"

"Kate and dad had a rough patch," Alexis explains. "But they're good now. Right?" She glares at both of them.

"Yeah."

"Right."

"O-kay," Meredith says slowly. "I'm—um, congratulations?"

Castle bobs his head and Kate offers her a tight smile. This…was not the way she wanted to announce this, or more, to whom she wanted to announce this. If there's anything to announce yet.

She loves him. He loves her. But there's still a huge amount of baggage to clear.

Castle looks over at her and opens his mouth, but the door swings wide and the grey-haired doctor walks into the room. He looks between the beds and smiles.

"It's good to see you both awake," he says. "Hi," he adds, extending his hand to Meredith. "I don't think we've met."

"Hello," Meredith manages, shaking his hand. "I'm Meredith Harper, Alexis' mother."

"Doctor Grigsby," the man replies. "Your daughter is doing wonderfully."

Meredith nods with a tight smile.

"Detective Beckett, on the other hand," he says.

"No, I want her diagnosis," Kate lets out, before clamping her hand over her mouth. "Um," she mumbles.

"Detective Beckett is on some fun pain killers," Castle supplies with a grin.

"Cute," she grumbles, flicking his hand.

"The doctor's trying to tell us something," Alexis puts in. "When can she go home?"

Doctor Grigsby gives her an apologetic look. "It'll be a few more days, I'm afraid." Kate groans and he looks back at her. "We just want the swelling to go down enough for you to be able to bend. And we need to make sure there's no extra fluid around your other hip. We'll also want to keep you on the antibiotics for a bit longer."

"Can I eat?" Kate wonders quietly, feeling defeated.

"Me too," Alexis puts in.

The doctor nods slowly. "Miss Castle, you can have some soft, bland food, slowly. Unfortunately, Detective, your esophagus has suffered some damage—"

"From the vomiting," Kate puts in.

"Yes. And I'd like to give it a day or two before we put it through anything other than liquid. Your stomach as well has suffered some erosion. You're in for a bit of a low-acidity diet for a while."

"But you'll want me to put on calories anyway," she continues for him.

He nods. "Both of you need to up your caloric intake as much as possible. You've lost a lot of weight. We'll also want you to get into physical therapy as soon as you're able. Miss Castle, that will consist mostly of strength training. Detective—"

"I've recovered from a bullet wound," Kate offers, waving her hand. That gets a laugh from Alexis and a harsh chuckle from Castle. Meredith just looks on, confused.

"Of course," the doctor says with an easy smile. "I'll give you referrals when you leave. Miss Castle, you can leave tomorrow morning."

"No," Alexis says immediately.

All four adults turn to look at her. "Miss Castle—"

"Kate has to stay," she protests.

"You'll be more comfortable at home," Kate puts in before anyone else can.

"So?" Alexis shoots back.

"Sweetheart," Meredith interjects. "You shouldn't stay in the hospital when you can be home."

Alexis gives her a mutinous look then turns imploringly to Kate. "I—"

"You could take a bath," Kate entices, uneager to be parted from the girl, but aware that she'll heal more quickly at home than here in the sterile hospital.

"But, but my eyes," Alexis says, looking to the doctor. "What about my eyes?"

"We'll give you a pair of sunglasses," he replies kindly. "And you can remove them as you start to adjust. But I do have to agree with your mother, dear. You'll heal faster at home, and you won't be stuck eating hospital food."

"But Kate will be alone," Alexis says, softer, defeated.

"Your dad can stay with her," Meredith says easily. Castle looks over at her, his mouth open. "Or she can stay alone. I'm sure she'll be fine. Or those other detectives can come."

Kate grabs Castle's hand and squeezes when it looks like his face is about to turn purple. There's no way Castle will stay while Alexis is gone. She knows that. She'll deal.

She'd rather not have to though. The thought descends heavily. She'll spend her nights here alone. She hates hospitals, but this stay has been bearable, because they've been here. Without them…

"Now, Detective, I'd like to check your hips."

Kate nods and Castle squeezes her hand before standing and moving back. Doctor Grigsby presses gently on her left hip and Kate winces.

"Tender?"

"Yeah," she mumbles.

"One to ten."

She considers. It's painful, and she can tell something's not right, but it's not terrible. "Four," she decides.

"So that's a six," Grigsby says with a nod. "Morphine," he adds when she looks at him.

"Shit," Kate lets out. She hears Alexis laugh and Meredith shush her.

"Indeed," Grigsby agrees, moving over to her right. He gently kneads her hip socket. "Pain?"

"No," Kate says, surprised.

"Good. The fluid was likely a result of the joint being nearly dislocated. But we've reset it now, so you should be fine with a bit of care and bed rest. We should be able to get you up and moving with a brace on your left leg in two days, to limit movement so that muscle can heal. Once you can sit down on the toilet, we can let you leave." Kate grins. "Provided that your back and chest have cleared of infection."

"Infection?" Meredith asks, the question directed at Alexis.

Kate glances at them and sees Alexis pale.

"The nurses have told me your sutures and stitches look good. I'll come back later today to check them once this bag of antibiotics has drained, all right?"

Kate nods and watches as he smiles at the collected Castles and leaves. A brace—she wonders low long she'll have to wear that.

"What happened to your back, Kate?" Meredith asks.

Kate looks over and finds Alexis with her legs drawn up, her face pressed to her knees. Castle moves to her and rubs her back as Meredith stands and walks to Kate's bed.

"She won't tell me," Meredith explains.

Kate sighs. She's sure this woman loves her daughter, but beside manner obviously isn't one of her skills.

"I, um," Kate starts, licking her lips. "Tyson counted the days with his knife on my back," she offers, watching as Meredith pales. "Some of them got pretty infected. Hence the antibiotics."

Meredith swallows before falling into Castle's vacated chair. "Oh," she whispers.

"Alexis is fine."

Meredith meets her eyes. "I—thank you."

Kate nods and smiles at her. "Make sure she eats."

Meredith bobs her head and looks down at her hands. Kate watches as Castle coaxes Alexis into lying down, his hand stroking her forehead, whispering to her. She spots a tear falling down Alexis' cheek and withholds a sigh. She really wishes she could get up.

(…)

"Do you feel like it's real?"

Kate looks down at the teen currently sharing her hospital bed, the two of them cuddled up and watching the small, wall mounted television together. Alexis' IV has been taken out. Both of them have been downing Gatorade all day. She watched in envy as Alexis got to have chicken soup Castle went out to get. The girl is warm and tired next to her now, her body slowly processing the real nutrition. Kate got to have some of the broth, at least. That was something.

"Like what's real?" Kate asks.

"That we're out," Alexis whispers. "I keep expecting to open my eyes and be back there."

Kate squeezes her hand. "I know," she murmurs.

Alexis nods, huddling into her. "It just doesn't feel real," she admits. "How do I make it feel real?"

"I hate to say it, but you go home," Kate offers softly. Alexis stiffens next to her. "You let your dad pack in you blankets on the couch and cook you food. You sleep in your bed."

"But you'll come too, right?" Alexis whispers. "You'll come home with us when you can."

"I promise," Kate tells her, turning to kiss the crown of her head. "I promise I will. But you shouldn't stay here just because I have to."

"I don't—" Alexis breaks off and shrugs. "Okay."

"You can call me any time," Kate adds. "Esposito brought my phone earlier."

Alexis nods against her. "Okay."

"Have your Gram tell you stories," Kate suggests. "And maybe see Paige."

"M'not ready," Alexis mumbles.

"Then don't," Kate says easily. "But let your dad take care of you, okay? You've been taking care of me for weeks. Let him take care of you."

"You took care of me," Alexis says.

She smiles. "Let your dad have a turn."

She glances over at Alexis' bed, where the man is passed out again. Meredith left in the early evening, to 'get the loft ready' for Alexis. She's sure the woman and Martha are having a grand fight right about now. Castle's insisting on spending the night again.

Kate's determined to get Alexis to fall asleep beside her so he can keep the bed he's conked out on.

"Kate?"

Kate hums and cards her fingers through the girl's hair.

"Does it go away?"

"What?" Kate asks softly.

"The…this," Alexis offers. "The, um. The paranoia," she decides.

Kate looks up at the ceiling, remembering how it looked a year ago. Remembering the way she spent sleepless nights just waiting for someone to walk in and shoot her.

"It does," she promises the girl. "It takes time, but it does."

"Time and therapy, huh?" Alexis asks.

Kate huffs out a laugh. "Yeah. You wanna see my therapist?"

Alexis shrugs. "Should I?"

"Probably," Kate admits. "I'll go with you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." She smiles as Alexis seems to finally relax against her. "We'll get through this, kid."

(…)

"How you doin'?"

Kate looks up and finds Lanie standing in the doorway. She smiles and shrugs, beckoning her friend into her empty room. Castle took Alexis home a few hours ago, the girl having convinced him to let her stay into the late afternoon.

It's been very quiet since they left. Kate's been counting ceiling tiles and playing angry birds, staunchly refusing to acknowledge the clench in her chest. It's been there since the second Alexis left the room.

"You look better," Lanie offers, taking a seat in the armchair they haven't yet removed.

"Thanks," Kate says. "You look good."

Lanie laughs. "I look like shit. Though, compared to you…"

"Shut up," Kate mumbles with a laugh.

"Alexis get home okay?"

Kate nods and flips through her phone to show Lanie the picture Castle sent of Alexis slumped asleep at the counter, her hair in her dinner.

"Poor thing," Lanie tuts. "You okay?"

"Yeah," Kate says instantly. Lanie just gives her a look. "What?"

"Not having any separation anxiety?"

Kate goes to offer a snippy retort, but another text comes through, this time a picture of Alexis asleep in her bed, Castle's hand extended away from the camera with a thumbs up.

"Getting updates, huh?"

Kate looks up and finds Lanie smiling. "Yeah, well," she offers, the clench in her chest easing just slightly. "We're both a bit jumpy."

"Of course you are," Lanie says kindly. "Shit, Kate. After what you went through?"

"I know," Kate agrees. "I just—I wanted to go home with them. Is that crazy?"

"Aren't you already going home to them?" Lanie wonders.

Kate huffs. "Yeah, but tonight. I—she looked so upset."

"Just her?" Kate flushes. "That's normal," Lanie adds. "You guys were alone for three weeks. Traumatized together. You already know this is normal."

"I know," Kate says, rubbing her hand against her forehead. "I just didn't know it would be this bad."

"You actually do have some serious separation anxiety, huh?"

Kate meets her eyes. "She was telling me last night how she keeps expecting to wake up and be back there."

"Understandable," Lanie says, reaching out to pull her hand away from her forehead. She squeezes Kate's palm. "How you doin' with that?"

"I know I'm here," Kate decides after a moment. "The nightmares are easier if she's in the next bed over."

"Or right next to you," Lanie says, a hint of a question there.

"What?"

Lanie laughs and pulls out her phone, turning it around to show her a picture of the two of them watching TV together the night before. Kate gapes. "What? You think you're the only one who wants assurances? By the way," she taps the screen and Kate hears a camera shutter.

"Lanie!" she squeaks.

"Relax. It's just for Castle."

"Oh," she says, deflating. That's…weird. She could text him just as easily. Could take a selfie even. Actually—"Why are you texting Castle pictures of me?"

"Confirmation."

Kate sighs. "Maybe he should come with us to Burke," she mumbles.

Lanie laughs. "I think he needs his own therapist, don't you?"

Kate winces. "Yeah," she agrees. Alexis can see Burke. Castle…might be a conflict of interest come to think of it.

"How are you and Castle doing?"

Kate smiles. "We're good?"

"Just good?"

"I'll let you know when I can walk," Kate tosses back, watching as Lanie rolls her eyes.

"As long as it's not when you're using a walker, fine."

Kate laughs and relaxes against her pillows. Having Lanie here is good. She watches as Lanie sends a quick text and wonders whether or not Castle sent her. But as Lanie begins to recount some of the last two weeks, their time waiting, all of the drama outside of the abduction, she decides she should thank Castle if he did. It's easier now that she's here.

(…)

"Kate."

Kate shudders and turns, opening her eyes to find Alexis Castle staring back at her, tears streaming down her face.

"'Lexis?" Kate mumbles, reaching up to touch her cheek. "What?"

The girl immediately crawls in beside her, huddling against her and proceeding to sob quietly into her shoulder.

It's—Kate manages to look at the clock. It's three in the morning. What is she doing here?

She looks around and finds Castle standing at the end of her bed, his face devastated, eyes lost.

"Alexis," she whispers. "What are you doing here, honey?"

"He got you," is all the girl says, squeezing her eyes shut and gripping into Kate's gown. "He got you."

"No he didn't," Kate says automatically. She meets Castle's eyes and realizes he's crying. "I'm right here," she says, looking at him even as she strokes Alexis' hair.

"You weren't," Alexis whispers.

She wasn't at home, she means. Kate sighs and holds her as close as she can, still trussed up as she is in the bed. _One more night of traction should make that hip good as new_.

"Castle," she whispers. She points to the other bed. She knows they're not leaving tonight. Hell, Alexis may spend the rest of her hospital stay sleeping here.

Castle shakes his head and walks jerkily to sit down in the armchair. Kate feels Alexis' breathing evening out against her shoulder, the girl slowly going slack in her arms, all that adrenaline fading fast.

"She wouldn't stop screaming," he offers after ten minutes, when they're sure Alexis is well and truly out. "When I couldn't produce you, she just—she curled up in a ball and I couldn't help her."

"It'll get better," Kate promises. "The cuts look good, they said," she offers. "If I'm cleared for oral antibiotics, I can probably leave in a few days."

"Good," he whispers, reaching up to stroke his hand through Alexis' hair.

"It'll get better," she repeats.

He smiles sadly. "I couldn't help her."

"You did," Kate corrects. "You brought her here."

He meets her eyes. "I can't help her. I can bring her to you, but I can't help her."

Kate grabs his hand before he can pull it away. "Right now, seeing me is the only proof it's real. It won't always be," she assures him. "And you're a great dad."

"Promise?" he asks with a huff.

"Promise. We're gonna be okay, Castle," she says, squeezing his hand.


	9. Chapter 9

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 9:**

They have a pattern. Alexis stays home in the morning, visits in the afternoon, leaves at night, and ends up back at the hospital with Castle at around 2am. After the third night, Castle broke down and just started bringing the poor kid at about ten.

But tonight, Kate thinks they'll get her to sleep at home. It's Kate's last night in the hospital. She's being discharged tomorrow with a full-leg brace and oral painkillers plus antibiotics. Her stitches come out in the morning, and then she's supposed to start a very heavy regime of moisturizing, scar cream, and gentle movement.

Tonight, Alexis Castle will sleep at home.

"I'll see you tomorrow," Kate promises as the girl hovers by her bedside.

Alexis nods and leans into Castle, who stands as a solid, steady wall behind his daughter.

"We'll be here at two," he says, giving her a tight smile.

Kate nods and watches as Castle gently guides the teen out of the room. Alexis looks back over her shoulder at least three times before the door shuts behind them. Kate sighs and leans back into her pillows, scrubbing hand down her face.

She hasn't had time for nightmares. Alexis has appeared every night before hers can even start. But she knows they'll come. Hopefully, it'll be easier at Castle's place, when she can, what? Wake Castle up to go check on Alexis?

Where is she even going to sleep? His room?

She can't very easily climb the stairs like this.

She huddles underneath her blanket and stares at the television, which is mostly static at this point. She's been moved to a single private room, at her request, though Castle insisted he could pay for the double. She sees no reason to deny someone else a bed just so she could have the extra space. The staff was kind enough to provide a second cot for them though, so Castle had somewhere to sleep while Alexis climbed in with her.

There's a knock at the door. "Come in," she calls, feeling weary.

"Hey," Ryan says, popping is head in. Esposito's appears above his and Kate smiles.

"Hey," she offers, waving them in.

"We come bearing snacks," Ryan announces as they step inside.

"Drinkable snacks," Esposito corrects, walking over to place a veritable army of drinkable yogurt, Gatorade, PowerAde, smart water, and protein shakes on her bedside.

"You do know I'm going to Castle's tomorrow, right?" Kate asks, smiling as Esposito sinks into the visitor's chair and Ryan hops up onto the cot on her other side.

"You're supposed to bulk up," Esposito offers, as if that somehow negates their gluttonous display.

"Right," she says, shaking her head.

"How are you?" Ryan asks.

She shrugs. "I can get up now," she offers.

The last time they were here, she was still in traction. Now she can hobble her way to the bathroom and undergo the five minute ordeal of sitting down and standing up to use the bathroom. They're giving her crutches when she goes home.

"Stitches?" Esposito asks.

"The rest come out tomorrow."

"Eighty-seven," Ryan says, nodding at her. "I think you get the trophy for that."

"One hundred and two," she corrects. They both stare at her. "Cheek, chest, side—Castle got a really good plastic surgeon to do them, so there were a lot," she rattles off. Lanie told her. She had no idea. Both of the boys pale and she scrambles to offer something more…positive. "I'm allowed to have really soft food when I go."

Esposito musters a smile. "Gonna let Castle cook for you?"

"Yes," she snips, watching as they both grin at her. "He's cooking for Alexis too, you know."

"But I bet he'll make heart shaped pancakes just for you," Esposito tosses back.

She'd chuck her pillow at him, but that feels like too much effort. She glares instead and both of them laugh.

"He was a wreck, you know?" Ryan offers quietly after a minute. Kate looks over and finds him staring just past her, eyes haunted. "We tried everything. And he just kept insisting we find you."

"We got out," she says, trying to pull him back from it. They didn't find them. They had to save themselves. But they did. And she knows neither she nor Alexis blames any of them for being unable to get to them.

"You know what? The man needed to lose some weight anyway," Esposito decides. Kate snorts and Ryan looks over, scandalized. "What?"

"That's…horrible," Kate decides, unable to stop herself from laughing. It's terrible. Castle looked great before the abduction. He looks…malnourished now, and exhausted, and terrorized. But, yeah, he's lost some weight.

"You're sick, bro," Ryan says, shaking his head.

"Ooh, you know, I bet if we put you guys together, the three of you—you, Castle and Alexis—you'd beat the biggest loser this year."

"Espo!" Ryan exclaims as Kate sinks into her pillows, giggling.

Esposito catches her eye and winks. She can't help but smile. "You're terrible," she manages.

He grins. "I bet he'll gain it all back, fattening you guys up," he continues.

"Espo, shut up," Ryan demands. "Castle's fine."

"Yeah," Kate agrees. "And I bet you guys will be coming to mooch off of those pancakes anyway."

Ryan gives her a smile for that. She loves her boys, irreverent, easily riled, and uncouth as they may be.

"How long are you benched, anyway?" Esposito asks once they've all calmed themselves down.

"At least two weeks," Kate says with a sigh. "And then it's desk duty until I'm cleared by the physical therapist."

"Yikes," Ryan offers, sympathetic. "Can you take the desk time as recovery?"

"Probably," Kate says. She hadn't thought to, but it might be better to be home with the Castles than doing paperwork eight hours a day. "I'll see."

"Not that we don't want you around," Ryan puts in quickly.

Kate smirks.

"We would have found you guys if you'd been there," Esposito says quietly.

Kate glances at him and finds him staring at her cheek. They've removed the bandage and the stitches from that wound. They promised she'd be able to diminish it until it was barely visible. But she knows right now, it's a raised, red line across her face—a very prominent reminder of what she's just been through.

"You guys found us with the tiger."

"Oh, yeah, and the freezer," Ryan puts in.

"Man, you do get yourself trapped a lot, don't you?" Esposito says. She can see him shaking it off.

"I'll work on it," she promises solemnly. The boys smile at her. "So, what's the case this week?"

They both animatedly launch into a tale about two sets of identical twins, one twin murdered on each side. It's funny, they finish each other's sentences. She'll have to point that out to Castle sometime, get in a few jibes of their own.

(…)

She's just fallen asleep when her phone rings. She grunts and manages to grab it, tugging it free from the power cable.

"Hello?" she mumbles into the receiver.

"Kate."

That's…not Alexis, is it? "Hello?" she repeats.

"Kate, I can't—did Rick go to see you?"

Meredith. It's Meredith. And that's…Alexis crying in the background.

"No," Kate manages, rubbing at her eyes. "No, he's not here. He's not there?"

"He was," Meredith says, her voice tight and high, verging on hysterical.

"What's wrong?"

"Alexis is—she woke up, and she's been screaming, and I can't—she won't let me touch her, and Richard's been getting up with her, but I can't find him."

"Okay," Kate says, trying to figure it out in her head. He's been taking walks, that much she knows. She's woken up enough times to spot him pacing in the corridor outside of her room. "Okay, give Alexis the phone and call him on another one? He's probably on the roof or something."

"The roof," Meredith whispers. "Okay. Alexis, sweetheart."

The crying gets louder and louder until Kate can hear every harried breath and sniffle. "Alexis," she says loudly. "Meredith, put me on speaker phone."

There's a click and she can hear more—the sound of Meredith sitting down on the bed as Alexis sobs.

"Sweetheart, Kate's on the phone."

"Kate," Alexis lets out.

"Hi, honey," Kate says, rapidly feeling like pushing the kid to sleep at home was a monumental mistake.

"Kate," Alexis repeats.

"I'm going to go get dad, okay?" she hears Meredith say.

Alexis doesn't even seem to acknowledge it, but Kate can hear Meredith walking away.

"Hey," Kate tries. "Alexis, you're okay."

"Where are you?" Alexis asks immediately.

"I'm at the hospital," Kate replies slowly. Perhaps she's not quite awake yet. "You saw me just a few hours ago. I'm fine."

"No," Alexis insists. "Tyson—"

"Alexis, I'm going to Facetime you, okay?" Kate presses the button. "Accept the invitation."

It takes a moment, but Alexis appears through her phone, the poor girl's face red and splotchy, hair sprawling out where she's been pulling on it.

"Can you see me?" Kate asks, turning on one of the lights and squinting. They've removed the light covers, but her eyes still haven't quite adjusted yet. "Alexis, sweetheart. Can you see me?"

"Yeah," Alexis mumbles.

"Okay, look." She turns the phone away to show the girl her room, the TV, the window. "I'm in the hospital."

"Yeah," Alexis agrees, her face rapidly growing aware, and then ashamed. "Sorry, Kate. I'll—"

"Hey, hey," Kate says quickly. "It's okay."

Alexis just stares at her, sucking in air as she tries to calm down. "I just," she says.

"I know." Kate offers her a tired smile. "I know. But you're okay, and I'm okay. Sometimes you just have to see it. It'll be easier tomorrow."

"Yeah," Alexis agrees. "Oh, crap."

"What?" Kate wonders.

Castle comes crashing into the room, nearly falling over Alexis as he trips just before her bed. There's a oof from both of them and then Castle's face appears next to Alexis'.

"Hey, Beckett," he offers, his eyes shifty, cheeks a little pink.

"Morning, Castle," Kate says easily. "Out for a walk?"

"Yeah, never doing that again," he says, turning to kiss Alexis' head. "You okay, pumpkin?"

"Yeah," Alexis mumbles. "Sorry."

"No, no." "Honey." "Alexis."

The girl looks from the phone, to Castle, to the doorway, where Meredith must be standing. She blushes and turns her face into Castle's shoulder.

"I'm going to go back to sleep," Kate hears Meredith say. "Goodnight, sweetheart."

"Night, mom," Alexis says.

Kate hears the door close and forces herself to keep smiling. She—well, she shouldn't judge. But she does. Meredith should have stayed, cuddled her kid up.

"So, Beckett. What have you done in our absence?" Castle asks, squishing around until Alexis lets him slip into her bed. She watches in amusement as Alexis continues to flush while Castle snuggles in, grabbing a slightly mangled sock monkey, looking for all the world like they're about to have digital slumber party.

Even so, Kate can see the worry in his eyes, notes the way he's holding Alexis a little too close, a little too hard. But the girl doesn't object, just relaxes against his chest. She reaches out and takes the monkey while Castle holds the phone.

"Ryan and Esposito stopped by," Kate provides.

"Nice," Castle offers. "We watched a few movies, and this one fell asleep on me."

"Dad," Alexis protests.

"I am a great pillow," he says. "Tell Kate I'm a great pillow."

"M'sure she'll find out for herself," Alexis mumbles.

Castle meets her eyes and Kate offers him a shy smile. He grins and she rolls her eyes.

"Empirical evidence can be best," he decides.

"Oh, pad your ego another night, Castle," Kate says.

"With pleasure."

"Gross, dad," Alexis says, looking at Kate. "Don't encourage him."

"Hey," she protests. "He's the one who—we're not gonna win a lot are we?" she asks Castle.

He shakes his head. "Afraid not."

"Hmm," Kate offers, covering a yawn.

"Sorry," Alexis whispers.

"No," both she and Castle say immediately.

"I'm tired all the time," Kate says quickly. "And I haven't even been asleep yet."

Alexis squints at her. "Liar."

"You know what? I woke you up for weeks," Kate says gently. "This is fair play. Don't apologize for having night terrors."

"Is that what they are?" Alexis asks.

"Probably," Kate agrees.

"Did you have them?"

Kate glances at Castle, then sighs. "I sometimes still do. I did, I mean. It's normal…after."

"What did you do to get over them?" Alexis asks, relaxing into Castle's side, probably far too tired to realize how horrified her father looks.

"Saw a therapist, slept with the lights on, and," Kate pauses. She'd meant to tell Castle all of this at some point anyway. "And stared at a picture of your dad a lot."

"What?" Castle lets out, unable to stop himself.

"I didn't call, but I wanted to," she admits.

"Oh," he and Alexis say together.

"So you call me anytime you need to, okay?" Kate continues, forcing herself to focus on the traumatized teenager, not her…Castle. "Easier with two. Or three," she corrects.

"Okay," Alexis whispers, fading against Castle's chest.

They watch as the teen slowly falls asleep. Castle looks into the phone and offers her a tired smile.

"Crisis averted," he whispers.

"Can you sleep like that?" she wonders.

He nods. "Her bed is comfortable. You okay?"

"Yeah," Kate says, watching the way his eyes crinkle with a tired smile. "Looking forward to getting out of here."

He nods. "Me too."

"See you tomorrow?"

"See you tomorrow," he agrees.

"Call if she needs anything," Kate adds before he moves to disconnect.

"You too," he says, looking serious for a moment. "You can hit the call button this time."

Kate feels her own cheeks flushing but forces herself to meet his eyes through the phone. "I promise."

He smiles and cuts off the call. She sets down her phone and leans back in the bed, staring at the ceiling.

This time will be different.

(…)

"Castle, I'm going to hurt you if you fall," she says as she shuffles her way out of his elevator.

She's a bit unsteady on the crutches. Moving half of her weight with metal sticks isn't her forte. But Castle is definitely going to trip over himself and send them all back to the hospital if he doesn't start walking forward.

"Fine," he huffs, turning to unlock the loft door. "I still say we should have brought you up in a wheelchair."

"It hurts more," Kate protests, rolling her eyes as Alexis appears behind her, carrying her bag. "And you shouldn't be carrying that."

"I'm fine," Alexis stresses, moving past her to walk into the foyer of the loft.

Kate takes a deep breath and crutches her way inside, surprised to find that the place looks exactly the same. She's not sure why she thought it would be different.

"Couch?" Castle offers.

She could easily lie down and go straight to sleep, but it's only four.

"Yeah," she agrees, withholding a sigh as he guides her over to the couch, like she couldn't have gotten there herself. It's a good thing she loves him, or she'd have whacked him with her crutches already.

"Man, kidnapping and a lengthy hospital stay has not dulled your glare," he says as he helps her recline onto the lounger portion of his ridiculously comfortable couch.

"I would laugh, but I'm too exhausted," she says.

He just smiles and takes the crutches from her, leaning them up against the table behind the couch. He squeezes her foot. "Something to drink?"

"The thickest milkshake known to man?" she asks, batting her eyes.

He laughs and nods, bending down to kiss her head before wandering into the kitchen. She lets out a breath, then clutches at her chest as Alexis plops down next to her.

"God, don't do that," she chides.

"If you're too googly eyed to pay attention, not my fault," Alexis says, curling up next to her. "I put your stuff in dad's room."

"Okay," Kate manages. So she _is_ sleeping in his room.

With him?

"Do you want more meds?" Alexis asks.

"What?"

"Your head got all scrunchy. Pain?"

"Oh, no," she says, reaching out to squeeze the kid's hand. "Just tired."

Alexis nods and flicks on the TV. Or, well, the shower curtain. How had she missed that?

"Dad set it up yesterday, since he figures we'll be spending a lot of time on this couch."

Kate smiles. "Smart man. Where's your mom?"

Alexis shrugs. "She had to go back to LA for a shoot."

Kate stares at her. "Oh." Her daughter has just been released from the hospital after a three week abduction, and she has to go back for a shoot?

"It's fine," Alexis says, glancing at her. "Temptation Lane?"

Kate blinks. "Sure. Yeah."

Alexis smiles and settles into the couch, clicking the remote and bringing up the Castle DVR menu. True to her word, it looks like every episode of Temptation Lane, ever, is saved on their machine.

"From the top?" Alexis asks.

"Yeah," Kate agrees, reaching out to pull the kid into her side.

Alexis sighs quietly and snuggles closer, clicking to start the first episode. Kate cards her fingers through Alexis' hair, taking in the sounds of the loft—Castle using the blender in the kitchen, the central air, Alexis' soft breathing against her shoulder. How could anyone walk away from this, from them?

(…)

"I'm right downstairs," Kate says, holding Alexis' hands as they stand together at the bottom of the stairs. "You wake up, you just come get me okay?"

"Okay," Alexis whispers. "I'm sorry," she adds.

"Don't be sorry."

"I just—I feel so silly," she admits, squeezing Kate's hands.

"It's not silly at all. It'll get better. And now you don't need to take a twenty minute cab ride."

Alexis nods. "Okay. Goodnight, Kate."

"Goodnight," she says, smiling as Alexis turns and walks up the stairs.

She revolves slowly and finds Castle leaning against the doorjamb. She crutches her way to his side and looks up at him, surprised suddenly by the height difference. He smiles and brushes a stray hair from her face.

"Think she'll be okay?"

Kate shrugs. "I don't know. How have you been checking on her?"

"I've been going up every couple of hours. But I put a baby monitor in there earlier."

Kate raises an eyebrow. "Does she know?"

He shakes his head. "I'll tell her, but I thought she might be embarrassed in front of you."

Kate sighs. "She shouldn't be."

He nods and steps in, kissing her cheek. "Come on."

She lets him usher her toward his room, the two of them moving slowly as she gets used to the crutches. She knows how to use them, has had enough sprained ankles over the years to be a pro, but she can't move her left leg at all, and it's throwing off her balance.

He leads her into the room and she stops in the doorway, staring around. There's a large, intimidating photo of a lion against one wall, the bed in the center of the room, with a masculine, but inviting-looking comforter set. Both side tables have multiple pictures of Alexis on them, and his bureau is covered with more. She smiles as she spots one of herself. She wonders idly if he put that back up recently, or if it survived their…rough patch.

"I can—" he starts.

"It's great," she offers, smiling at him. She wobbles a bit on the crutches and huffs. He gives her a quizzical look as she makes her way to the bed and manages to sink down onto it, sitting on the edge.

"What?" he asks, walking over to sit down next to her.

"Not exactly how I imagined seeing it for the first time," she admits.

He laughs. "Yeah. Me neither."

"Do over, when I can walk?"

He meets her eyes and she turns to look at him and smiles. "You're on."

She leans as much as she can and he meets her halfway, their lips colliding in a gentle kiss that is so far from what she wants it to be—so far from what she's hoped would happen on this bed the first time she saw it.

He pulls back after a long minute and rubs gently at the base of her spine, careful to keep his hand low.

"Are you," he begins, then stops.

She waits, but he seems to be battling with something. When it seems no words are forthcoming, she squeezes his knee. "Could you help me to the bathroom?"

"Yeah," he says, standing immediately. "Crutches?"

She shakes her head. "Help me lean? They take up space."

He laughs but obliges. "Don't think it'll be an issue."

She's about to ask why, but he pushes the bathroom door open and she loses her words. It's huge. Warm sand tiles and gentle yellow lights—the bathroom is the most inviting place she's ever seen. It has a dual-headed walk-in shower, a deep Jacuzzi tub, lighted mirror, two sinks, and what looks to be an expensive toilet. There are pictures of the Manhattan skyline on the walls and incredible-looking robes hanging by the shower with soft, terry cloth towels.

"Wow," she manages, turning to look up at him.

He's blushing. Funny, she always thought he'd be smug about his home. "Good?" he asks, genuine.

She offers him a real smile. "It's fantastic, Castle."

He ducks his head and smiles. "I set out most of your stuff. I hope you don't mind," he adds, gesturing to the sink to the right, less occupied, but now playing home to all of her usual personal-care products. "And I got your shampoo and conditioner into the shower. I don't—how are you bathing right now?"

She blushes but meets his eyes. "Showers. Short, short showers."

He nods. "Do you want to take one?"

She shakes her head. "I took one this morning. But I'll get ready. Could you grab my bag?"

"Sure."

He leaves her then, making sure she's got her hands on the counter to support herself before ducking into the bedroom. She meets the eyes of her reflection in the enormous lighted mirror and sighs.

The bags under her eyes only accentuate the sharper angles of her face, the cut on her cheek a raised, pink line that stands out against her abnormally pale skin. Her hair seems duller, and she can see that she's swimming in the simple blouse Lanie brought her to wear home.

She looks terrible.

This is just not how she planned to look in this bathroom for the first time. Ravaged, yes. Disheveled, yes. But starved, beaten, and bloodied? No.

"Here you go," Castle says softly, extending a pair of pajamas to her. "I can get you others. I just thought these would be—"

"Thanks," she says, smiling at him. He's brought her a pair of shorts and one of his button-downs.

"Thought buttons would be easier than a tee shirt."

She nods. "Thank you."

He smiles and ducks back out, closing the door behind him. Kate sighs and places the clothes between the two sinks. She washes her face and combs through her hair before braiding it back with heavy arms. She brushes her teeth, wincing at the stinging feeling of the toothpaste. Her mouth is still tender.

She stares herself down and forces her hands to the hem of her blouse, pulls it gently over her head. She keeps her eyes closed as she turns back to the mirror. Then, with force, she opens them.

She gasps. She hasn't seen the marks yet.

Her bullet wound is still an angry red, even without the stitches, the circle nearly twice as large as before. Her incision site is a raised, wide line. Her stomach is marred with shallow, healing cuts and scabs—wounds that needed no stitches, just cleaning.

It looks like someone took a knife to her. And someone did.

She breathes through her nose, forcing her eyes over every cut, taking note, making memory of them. Hopefully, she can get the ones on her stomach to fade. The 'J' on her hip will never fade completely. Maybe she should get a tattoo over it, to match the one on her other hip.

She steels herself, but it still takes her at least a minute to turn around. She shuts her eyes tight and swallows before opening them and turning her neck.

"Oh god," she lets out, bringing a hand up to cover her mouth.

There on her back sit twenty lines in two vertical rows, running from just below her shoulder blades to the middle of her back: two sets of ten marks, the fifth day cut into her flesh as a diagonal.

Her tally marks.

She realizes she's crying only when the door to the bathroom creaks open.

"Kate?"

She shudders, her hand pressed to her mouth, her other wrapped around her abdomen, no longer even looking at the cuts.

It hits with startling force—what she's been through. What he did to her. How she had to let him and let him because there was a knife and a gun and she was never sure she could protect them from both. So she took the knife. Again. And again. And again.

"Kate," Castle begs.

She manages a sound, something like a grunt of acceptance and hears him enter. She doesn't care that she's topless. Doesn't care that she's in his bathroom for the first time. Doesn't care that he should be spreading her out on his bed, his lips making marks against her skin.

Instead she's been slashed, knifed, wounded. And those are scars she knows she cannot fade into oblivion.

"Beckett," he breathes out.

She feels his hand on her shoulder and shudders. His fingers trail on her hip and she feels his forehead hitting the back of her head, resting there, the two of them turned from the mirror, his hands suddenly all that's keeping her standing.

"I'm so sorry," he whispers.

She shakes her head and straightens, feeling him there at her back. "Not your fault," she manages, pulling herself together just slightly.

This won't be the last time she cries. She knows this. He's seen what's been done to her. He knows. She can cry. She just doesn't have the energy to completely fall apart.

"Can you help?" she asks, sniffling as she reaches out for the steroid cream they gave her to finish reducing the swelling and help her skin begin to heal.

"Sure," he says, taking it from her and gently turning her so she can brace herself against the counter. "Tell me if it hurts."

She nods and lets her neck drop, unable to watch his face as he does this, unable to watch the glimpses of him, whatever expression he wears.

His fingers are soft, and she finds herself crying again. She hasn't felt anyone touch her back since Tyson. The hospital was full of anesthesia and cotton balls and cue tips.

Castle's fingers are gentle and reverent, careful.

"Okay?" he asks when he's finished the first row.

"Yeah," she mumbles. "Oh, Castle, wait."

He stills behind her and she shakes her head.

"No, no. Your shirt. I can't wear your shirt. I'll ruin it."

She does look into the mirror this time and finds him regarding her strangely, halfway between a frown and a sad sort of smile.

"I don't care," he says gently. "Really."

"At least give me an old one? I like this one," she adds, glancing at the deep purple shirt he'd grabbed for her.

"Okay," he agrees, his smile blooming before he turns back to the task at hand and smoothes the cream over her second row of marks. "Do you need it on," he starts, before pausing.

"Oh," she mumbles, watching the way his eyes are settled on her bullet wound. "Yeah," she says after a moment. "I can."

He shakes his head and turns her slowly. She can do this for herself. She knows she can. But there's something in the way he's staring at her chest, in the lost quality behind his eyes that forces her to let him.

He bends his head and rests his forehead on hers as he gently rubs the cream between her breasts. His breath is warm against her nose. He keeps her close as he moves on to her incision site, as he smoothes the cream over her stomach and the mark at her hip.

She sighs as he caps the bottle and kisses her forehead. "I'm so sorry," he repeats, pulling back to meet her eyes as he cups her face in his hands. He rubs the last of the cream across her cheek with a gentle brush of his thumb.

Kate closes her eyes and shakes her head. She blinks them open and finds him just staring at her.

"I'd do it again," she says, her voice rough to her ears. "I didn't want this for Alexis."

He huffs at her and she watches as a tear falls down his cheek. "I didn't want this for you," he offers.

She smiles sadly and reaches up to wipe her thumb beneath his eye. "I know," she says.

He bends then and presses their lips together. It's desperate and short, and she misses him as he pulls back.

"I love you," he says, staring into her eyes. "I'll get you a better shirt."

She nods and watches as he leaves the room, his steps unsteady. She breathes out and reaches for the shorts before stopping. Right, she's wearing sweats one of the nurses helped her slide on.

So many things she never wanted to have Castle do. He's supposed to take her pants off, not help her get them on.

She manages to hobble over to the side of the tub and lower herself down, manages to unstrap the brace, careful to keep as still as she can, her core held tight. They told her to make sure she does sit for a bit each day with her leg bent, so she doesn't unwittingly weaken her knee while trying to heal her hip.

She reaches out and grabs a towel, lifting up with a grunt to slide off her sweats. She shouldn't have done this herself. God, that hurts. She covers herself with the towel and kicks the sweats away with her good leg just as Castle walks in. He stops in the doorway and stares at her, holding an old, short-sleeved button down.

"Need help?" he manages after a moment.

She is, after all, sitting naked on his tub with a towel covering her groin.

"Yeah," she admits.

He smiles shallowly at that and brings her clothes over. He kneels down and helps her slide her legs into the shorts before pulling them up her legs until she can shimmy them up beneath the towel. She hisses as the movement stretches her hip and abdomen.

"Okay?"

"Yeah," she gets out. "Shirt?"

He nods and helps her slip her arms into it before doing up some of the buttons. He stays crouched in front of her as he slides the towel off of her lap. She keeps her eyes averted, feeling shy all of a sudden.

"Want me to strip for you? Make it even?"

She laughs, startled, and meets his eyes to find him smiling at her. "Maybe later," she says.

He nods and slips her brace back around her leg, doing up the clasps with deft fingers before standing and extending his hands. They make their way back to his bed and he helps her slide under the covers.

She sinks into the mattress, her head nearly disappearing into the pillow. She groans in approval and he laughs.

"Good?"

"Don't tell me how much this costs," she says, reveling in the softness of the blankets, the pillows, the impossible mattress.

She has a very nice bed at her apartment. It doesn't feel like this.

"Why?" he asks, laughing.

"Because I'm making an educated guess that it's a year of my salary, and it will end my faith in humanity." She peeks an eye open and finds him just staring at her. "Too dramatic?"

"I think you're catching…me," he says by way of reply, grinning. "Can I get you anything?"

"Water?" she asks, propping herself up a little, so she can see over the mound of the bed.

He nods and disappears, leaving her to stare up at his ceiling. She feels at once at home and distinctly foreign. For the last month, she's known nothing but the hard, cement floor of Tyson's basement, and the scratchy, stiff hospital bed of their release.

She feels like she should want to be home, where everything is familiar—where everything is a known, safe entity. And yet, lying in Castle's disgustingly comfortable bed, she feels just as safe, just as comfortable. Awkward, yes, but safe.

"Here you go."

She blinks and smiles up at him as he appears at her bedside, passing her a large glass of water and one of her pain pills. Right, she forgot to take one. She feels her heart lift at that. A week out from her shooting she couldn't have survived a single minute without the pain meds.

"Thanks," she says, before swallowing the pill and gulping back most of the glass. _Make sure you drink at least a full glass of water with those pills. _

He takes the glass from her and sets it on the bedside. She watches as he opens his mouth, closes it, opens it again.

"Castle?" she prompts.

"Um," he manages. "I—" He rubs at the back of his neck. "Would you like me to sleep in the guest room?"

She just gapes at him.

"I mean," he says quickly. "I mean, I just—well, you're hurt, and I don't know if you want someone sharing your bed. My bed, but it's your bed for right now. And this would be so much less awkward if we'd already—well, I mean, you can't, right now, _of course_. I just, um."

She holds up a hand, her other covering her mouth to stop the laughter from pouring out. Poor guy. He's really cute when he's rambling, and she chooses to focus on that, rather than his insecurity. Because that—that is her fault.

"Castle, I've been sharing a bed…of sorts with Alexis for the past month." He gives her a sheepish look for that. "This is your room. If it bothers you, we can set me up in the guest room."

"No," he says quickly, just like she planned. "No, no, I can…I can stay here."

She smiles. "Okay."

"Okay," he agrees. "Um, so—" he points toward the bathroom and she waves him away, before turning her face and blushing into her pillow. _This would be so much less awkward if we'd already…_

She can't quite muster the energy to want to tonight, but yeah, he has a point. If they'd just, well, if she'd just gotten over herself and screwed her courage a little earlier, she could have screwed…

Maybe it's best not to think on it now.

He reappears from the bathroom in a tee shirt and a pair of boxers, his hair a little mussed. She watches as he hesitantly moves around the room, turning off all but his bedside lamp before crawling into bed with her. He flicks a baby monitor on on his nightstand then slips down under the blankets.

She can feel the heat of him next to her in the bed as they lie on their backs. Well, she has to, and she figures he'll sleep that way in solidarity. Unless he usually sleeps that way.

There's so much she just doesn't know about the man sharing his bed with her. So much she wants to learn, and not like this.

She listens as he breathes beside her, listens to the soft sounds of the loft around them, the traffic outside, the light susurrations of Alexis breathing up in her room. Her eyes are heavy, but her mind is wide awake, everything so new and comfortable at once. She inches her hand across the bed, needing an anchor, something familiar.

His hand wraps around hers, their fingers threading together, and she smiles.

"Hey, Kate."

"Yeah?" she whispers, turning her head to look at his profile only to find him staring back at her.

"I'm really glad you got out."

She smiles, a short laugh bursting from her lips. "Me too, Castle."

He brings their hands to his lips and kisses her fingertips before settling back. She falls asleep with his fingers strong between hers, his thumb brushing patterns on the back of her palm.


	10. Chapter 10

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 10:**

She wakes before he does. She turns and watches him sleep, his head buried in his pillow, one hand still stretched across the bed toward her, brushing her shoulder. They disconnected in the night and she can't help but smile at the way he obviously kept reaching for her.

She looks at her bedside and sighs at the time. It's six in the morning. Her sleeping patterns obviously haven't recovered either from the basement or the hospital, with the interminable interruptions and checks from nurses and doctors. She hears tinkering out in the living room and stretches gingerly.

Maybe she's not the only one up.

It takes her at least five minutes to maneuver herself out of bed, her body stiff and sore. But she does it without jostling her hip, and that's all they told her to do. She doesn't need to be graceful, just wants to be up.

She grabs her crutches and tries to sneak out of the room. Castle stirs, but doesn't wake, and she counts it as a victory as she quietly shuts the door. She feels minorly more stable this morning than the previous evening and makes her way to the kitchen, stopping a few feet from the island to watch as Alexis stares into the refrigerator.

"Secrets of the universe?"

Alexis startles, dropping a tub of ice cream as she spins around to face Kate.

"Sorry," Kate says softly.

Alexis shakes her head. "Hey," she manages.

Kate crutches her way over and leans against the island as Alexis places the ice cream on the counter.

"Ice cream for breakfast?"

Alexis shrugs. "Nothing else seems appealing," she says, reaching into the cabinet for a bowl. "And I'm supposed to gain weight, right?"

Kate nods. It's not a habit she wants to see develop, but it does sound awfully good, and ice cream for breakfast once in a while never killed anyone.

"Can I have some?"

Alexis smiles and grabs a second bowl. Kate watches as she scoops out heaps and heaps of ice cream—much more than either of their shrunken stomachs can handle. Kate shakes her head and looks around, only to notice the veritable piles of textbooks stacked and open on the counter.

"Were you studying?" she asks as Alexis closes their ice cream container and shoves it back into the freezer.

"What? Oh, yeah," she offers with a shrug, grabbing spoons before gesturing toward the living room.

"It's six in the morning," Kate states, sighing as Alexis helps her lower herself onto the lounger. "Why are you studying?"

Alexis shrugs and sits down beside her, passing over a bowl before curling up around her own.

Kate peers at her, taking stock of her pallid complexion—more so even than the night before. The bags under her eyes are deeper, and her bowl is shaking just slightly in her hand.

"Alexis, did you sleep?"

The kid looks over, caught. "Yeah," she says quickly. Kate raises an eyebrow. "No."

"Why not?"

Alexis pushes herself into the couch, taking a large bite of ice cream, only to choke. Kate pats her back, hard, and Alexis coughs twice before recovering.

"God, kid. We didn't just spend a week in the hospital for you to drop dead of ice cream inhalation."

Alexis laughs at that, a hand on her chest. "Sorry."

Kate shakes her head. "Why couldn't you sleep?"

"Just couldn't," Alexis mumbles, leaning away from Kate's hand on her back.

"Alexis?"

"I didn't want to, okay?" Alexis lets out, her body tight and coiled. "Every time I sleep, I end up screaming and waking you up in one way or another, and dad's barely slept, and mom _left_, and I just," she pauses and glances at Kate. "Not sleeping seemed better."

Kate sighs and goes to move, only to realize she can't. She's stuck there on the other end of the couch, with Alexis seemingly inching further and further away, their ice cream melting.

"You can wake me," Kate offers gently.

"Because you don't need to sleep? You need to heal."

"What does it look like I'm doing right now?" Kate asks, lifting the bowl and gesturing to her leg. "I'm gonna be stuck on this couch for another week, doing nothing but watching TV and sleeping."

"I have work to do," Alexis says, her voice less sure. "And I—I hadn't done laundry in a while."

"You did chores?" Kate gets out.

"Yeah," Alexis offers with a huff. "I can do things."

"I know you can," Kate agrees quickly. God, was she like this when she was shot? She was, but worse, ten times worse. Poor Alexis. "But your dad is happy to do that. You don't need to do laundry instead of sleeping."

Alexis finally meets her eyes. "I just," she starts, looking small and lost and exhausted. "I don't want to wake up screaming again."

Kate nods in understanding, reaching back to place her barely eaten ice cream on the table behind the couch. She gestures for Alexis to come closer, waiting until the kid relinquishes her bowl and shuffles over. Kate grabs a pillow and lays it on her lap, patting it invitingly. Alexis eyes her dubiously.

"I'll wake you up if you start having a dream," Kate promises.

"Your hip," Alexis offers weakly, her body deflating, all the adrenaline she's used to stay up all night finally leaving her.

"Is fine. Your head weighs like four pounds."

"It's at least ten," Alexis protests, even as she gingerly lays down, settling her head in Kate's lap."

Kate smiles and pulls the blanket from the back of the couch, helping her snuggle under it. Alexis sighs and shifts around, settling in.

"Do you want to watch something?" Kate asks.

Alexis hums. "Dad's still sleeping, right?"

"He was when I left."

Alexis giggles. "How was that?"

"How was what?"

"Sleeping with—no, no," the says, covering her face with a hand. "Not what I meant!"

Kate laughs and looks up at the ceiling. This poor, poor child. Still. "Don't worry. We can't do that for at least another week."

"Kate!" Alexis squeals, scrunching her legs up and burying her face in the pillow.

Kate laughs and pats the girl's shoulder. "Sorry."

"You're not," Alexis grumbles.

"No, and you're not getting sleepy."

"Whose fault is that?" Alexis asks, turning to look up at her. "Talking about sex with my dad."

"You started it," Kate protests as Alexis glares at her. "In fact, you can consider all of this your fault. 'How many near-death experiences does it take?'" she imitates.

Alexis flicks her stomach. "Someone had to take initiative."

"Yes, well, know that that initiative has consequences."

"Like siblings?"

Kate groans and Alexis grins. "You're awful," Kate tells her.

"Mommy," Alexis says, adopting a little kid voice. Kate just stares at her. "Stepmommy," Alexis continues. "Mama."

"Okay, not only are you not sleepy, you're delirious."

Alexis giggles and turns back over, curling a hand up beneath her chin. "You'll like it when it's your kid."

Kate smiles and trails her fingers through Alexis' hair. "I'm sure I will. Though, it'd be weird if they called me 'stepmommy,' don't you think?"

"Yeah, not a great ring to it," Alexis agrees with a yawn. "Mom works better."

"It does," she agrees. "Now think about nice things."

"Like what?" Alexis mumbles.

"Hot baths, and picnics in the park, and summers by the ocean," she rattles off, not really thinking about it.

"You should come to the Hamptons," Alexis says, her voice faint and slow.

Kate hums. That sounds…surprisingly tempting. "Go to sleep," she says softly.

"Okay, mom," Alexis mumbles, teasing and sweet.

Kate just smiles. It's…weird. It's really weird. But she'll take it.

(…)

"Ha," Kate announces, tossing down her cards as Castle groans.

"You're going to milk this, aren't you?" he whines as Kate rakes in her chips. She just grins.

She, Castle, and Alexis are stretched out on his bed. Having spent the better part of the last two days staring at his shower curtain projector, watching the entirety of the Star Wars franchise—_all_ of it—she and Alexis needed a change of venue. And so they find themselves now in the midst of a heated session of poker, playing for pampering services and on-the-job perks. Castle, so far, has garnered no special police force privileges.

Alexis is getting a spa day for herself and her friends after graduation, a new laptop for college, and at least three "Beckett coats," as they've deemed them. Kate grins, taking Castle's voucher for two weeks with the Ferrari and waving it in his face. She's also the proud owner of one "stay the hell in the car" slip and a gift card to Remy's. She has no idea where he even got that.

She has a suspicion that he's been throwing hands, given the extravagant nature of Alexis' prizes, but she won't push him about it, not when he's secretly smiling as she and Alexis plan out a trip upstate to the outlets just to ride in style.

"I'll be poor by the time you go to college," he tells his daughter, flopping backward on the bed. She and Alexis are sitting against the headboard.

"Castle, we couldn't spend all of your money if we wanted to," Kate says, nudging him with her toe.

"Ooh, but we could try," Alexis says with a grin. "How much is a house on those palm tree islands in Dubai?"

"No," Kate says. "Rising sea levels. Not a good investment. Let's get an island with a big mountain."

"You want a volcano island," Castle deadpans. "Why not just get big houses in all the best places? Ski chalet in the Alps, house on the Riviera, apartments in Paris, London, Hong Kong. An apartment complex in Seoul. Think of the revenue."

"Have you…thought about this?" Alexis asks, exchanging a look with Kate.

"Real estate is always a sound investment," he says easily.

"Yeah, like that crater on the moon?" Kate taunts.

"You just wait. You'll wanna come live in it with me."

"Only if I get my own house," Alexis puts in, tossing her cards into the middle of the bed and stretching.

"What, you don't want to live with me forever?" Castle asks, clutching dramatically at his heart. "I'm hurt."

"I like to think I'll be married before we relocate to the moon, and you don't want me married and living in your house, do you?" Alexis asks.

Castle splutters and Kate laughs. "You—you encourage this?" he gasps at her.

"What, that she has sex when she's married? Don't you?"

"Beckett!" he squeaks before rolling off the bed.

She and Alexis exchange looks and Alexis flops onto her stomach and drags herself to the edge of the bed. "Seriously, dad?"

"I will only get up if she promises never to put your name and…that together in a sentence ever again."

Alexis looks back at her. "Want a smoothie?"

"Sure," Kate says, laughing as Alexis hops off the bed and takes an exaggerated step over her father before disappearing from the room. She waits, and waits.

"Castle."

"Promise me."

"Castle," she says, laughing as his head peeks up from the bottom of the bed.

"There will be no sex for her. Ever."

"Ever?" Kate wonders, watching as he petulantly flops himself back onto the bottom of the bed. "That's cruel."

"Cruel? She's my baby!"

"I'm my dad's baby. Do you want me never to have sex ever again?"

He stares at her, mouth open, glances back toward the office, then back to her. "I…well, I mean," he stammers.

"You're easy tonight," she says, laughing as he glares at her.

He reaches out and tickles her foot. She shrieks and flails for a moment, laughing, until it's not so fun anymore. Pain shoots across her pelvis and she cries out. Unfortunately, Castle takes this as more laughter, and only tickles harder.

"No!" she calls, half yelling, half laughing. "Castle stop, stop!"

He pauses for a moment and looks up at her, only to recoil. "Shit, Kate," he lets out, crawling quickly up the bed as she lies there prone, breathing through clenched teeth. "I'm so sorry," he says looking her over, like he can somehow solve the problem.

"S'okay," she manages. "Just…hurts."

"Shit. I'm sorry," he repeats.

She fumbles and manages to grab his hand, squeezing. "Really," she says, opening her eyes and finding his. "It's okay."

"I didn't mean to," he whispers.

"I know," she promises. "I know."

He settles down next to her and reaches out, smoothing his hand across her forehead as she breathes deeply, relaxing as the pain slowly ebbs away. They stare into each other's eyes, having countless conversations without speaking a word. She tries to reassure him that it's okay, this involuntary pain. He tries to apologize. She tries to joke him out of it. It half works.

It's like this that Alexis finds them, walking in with three smoothies.

"Should I come back?" she asks after a beat.

Kate laughs and Castle grunts, sitting up and helping her do the same. Kate reaches out for her smoothie and Alexis fully enters the room, eyeing them strangely as she passes out the drinks.

"Everything okay?" she asks, sitting down by Kate's feet.

"Fine," Kate says before Castle can even open his mouth.

Castle nods and Alexis shrugs, stacking up the cards as she sucks on her smoothie.

"So," Castle says, breaking the slightly awkward silence. "Physical therapist comes tomorrow."

"Really?" Alexis asks, looking up at him. "I thought we were going to go to the hospital for that."

"Why?" Castle wonders. "Easier for him to come here. For Kate, especially."

"Wait, is it Roger?" Kate asks.

"Yeah," Castle replies, looking over at her, confused. "I thought you wanted him."

"I…do. How did you get his number?"

"Your dad," he says slowly.

"Oh," Kate mumbles. Huh. She just…hadn't thought about it yet. "Thanks."

He smiles. "See, I can help repair damage, not just cause it," he says brightly.

Kate laughs and Alexis eyes him quizzically. Kate just sips at her smoothie, sinking into the bed. She's very tired all of a sudden, after this day of doing absolutely nothing.

At least with her bullet wound she could drag her sorry self around the cabin, pacing and driving her father crazy. Here, she's really just confined to soft surfaces. And while Castle and Alexis are marvelous company, she's glad Roger's coming tomorrow, glad there's something proactive to do about the situation.

"Maybe you should do therapy with us," Alexis suggest to Castle.

Kate smothers a laugh as his eyes narrow. "Are you calling me fat?"

Alexis gapes. "No! No, I meant—I mean maybe you could do it with us, just to, you know, participate." Kate snorts and Alexis glares at her while Castle huffs. "Not helping."

"I think I look pretty good," he protests. "Don't I look pretty good?" he adds, turning to Kate.

"Ruggedly handsome," she agrees, reaching out to pat his cheek.

"You could be ruggedly buff too, if you wanted," Alexis mumbles into her straw.

"Hey!"

"Alexis," Kate exclaims, laughing as the teen smirks. "You're not helping."

Alexis grins while Castle sinks into the bed, glaring at the both of them. It may not be proactive, but recovering with the Castles has so far been rather enjoyable.

(…)

She wants the inactivity back. Alexis lies flat on her back next to her, both of them staring up at Roger with contempt. He just looks pleased, his stupid, shiny bald head reflecting the sunlight streaming in through the windows.

He's been making Alexis do crunches and forcing Kate to do arm extensions, which are proving surprisingly painful. And the whole time, he just looks so smug, letting out a constant stream of, "I know you can do this. I've seen you do this. Come on, Kate."

She could punch him, if she thought she could move her arms like that right now.

"Are we done?" Alexis asks, turning to look at Kate. "Make him say we're done."

"I don't have that power," she says, jerking her chin toward Roger.

"Please say we're done," Alexis whines.

Roger laughs and nods, bending down to help Kate into a sitting position while Alexis struggles herself into one.

"It'll get easier," he promises them. "Take a nice long shower or bath tonight, and start upping your protein as much as you can, all right?"

"Eggs will be ready in five minutes," Castle calls from the kitchen.

And there's that. She didn't want Castle to see her struggle last summer, didn't want him to see her cry and sweat through these sessions, but she can't well avoid it now when they're in his living room.

"Eat what he makes," Roger tells them sternly, before walking out of the living room to bid Castle goodbye.

"Can we hurt him?" Alexis whispers as Roger leaves the apartment.

"No," Kate replies with a huff, holding out her arms as Alexis stands up. They finagle her into a standing position and stumble together. "We need him. We're pathetic without him."

"Oh, I think you girls could survive without me. That's a little dramatic, Beckett," Castle says, causing them both to jump. "Scrambled eggs with cheese and spinach?"

Alexis grabs hers immediately and Kate nods to him, slowly lowering herself to the couch. Roger wants her to sit with the brace off for at least an hour after her session. She…doesn't remember why. But she knows she can't move, so she'll manage it.

Castle passes her a bowl and she looks down into what must be three, possibly four, scrambled eggs. It smells amazing.

"Is there garlic in this?"

"A pinch," Castle says with a grin. "As long as we don't do anything else acidic today, you should be okay. But let me know, I've got Pepto in the bathroom."

"So good," Alexis moans, sprawled out on the couch beside her.

Kate takes a bit of her own and groans. "Oh my God."

"I never knew eggs could taste that good," Castle says, staring at them.

"So so good," Alexis agrees.

"Don't eat too fast," he cautions as Alexis inhales her eggs. She gives him a glare but complies.

Kate savors her own, her body not quite ready for a huge meal. But it does taste fantastic—light, fluffy, cheesy. She barely even notices the spinach. She's been wrong all these years. When she goes back to work she's definitely taking lunch breaks. And dinner breaks. And maybe second breakfast, provided Castle can bring it for her in a doggie bag along with her coffee.

"Coffee?"

She blinks as both Castle and Alexis look over at her. So that came out…desperately.

"Tea?" Castle bargains.

Kate huffs. "Not the same."

"No, but I think an ulcer would just be insult to injury," he says meekly, before grinning and tapping her uninjured leg. "Injury, get it?"

Alexis tosses a pillow at him. "Not funny, dad."

"A little funny," Kate says, nudging Alexis—trying to. God, everything hurts.

She looks over and finds Alexis rubbing her arm with a grimace. "Physical therapy sucks."

"Hear hear," Kate agrees, sinking into the couch.

Forget going out. She wants to live on this piece of leather forever. Alexis takes another bite of eggs and groans.

"Food," she offers.

"Food," Kate agrees with a laugh.

Alexis smiles and snuggles into the couch, curling up so her toes press gently against Kate's thigh. She watches in amusement as the kid starts falling asleep in her lunch.

(…)

He sighs, scrubbing his hand over his face as he wanders back out of the bathroom. It's late, and he's just crawling into bed, having stayed up trying to write. Kate went to bed hours ago, Alexis just behind her, and his mother is…somewhere. He'd rather not think about it, really.

He stops at the edge of the bed, the room dimly lit, light from the street filtering up through the open curtains. She doesn't like to close them, she told him. He wonders every day if that's something new or a habit from years ago.

He supposes he'll never know now, the quirks that come from her childhood, and those that stem from the trauma. Either trauma.

He stares down at his sleeping…girlfriend? Lover? Muse?

The woman sharing his bed. The woman who saved his daughter from a terrible fate, and now lies trapped in the living hell she took in her stead.

He wants to hug her. He wants to kiss her. He wants to pour his heart and his soul into her skin and close up her wounds, wash away her hurts. But he can't.

All he can do is gingerly lower himself onto the bed and curl onto his side, watching the gentle rise and fall of her chest. He doesn't sleep well these days. Every movement beside him has him up and alert. Every creak of a floorboard sounds like the pad of his traumatized daughter's feet. Every little sound sends a jolt through his system.

He's scared he'll wake up and they'll be gone.

He's scared he'll wake up and they'll be here, and he can't help them.

He's just…scared.

Kate shifts in her sleep, her face scrunching up, lips smacking softly, and he smiles. He's scared of losing this—this magic of seeing her so quiet, so easy with him. He's scared he's not enough when the scars ache too much, or her stomach knots, or she gets that look in her eyes.

Both girls do now. They get this look and then they're gone, staring off, and they come back duller, dimmer.

If he could go back in time and just…strangle Tyson until every last bubble of breath left his body, he would. What he put his girls through—

"No."

He blinks, watching as Kate's face goes from peaceful to pained.

"No, please. _Please_."

"Kate," he whispers, watching as her fists clench. If he doesn't wake her, she'll torque herself into a pretzel and spend the rest of the night up in pain.

He knows. It's happened before.

"Please, please. Me. Take me. Strangle me."

Oh, God. "Kate," he insists scooting up to her.

"No," she whimpers, tears pouring out from her scrunched eyes. "No, please, no."

"Beckett," he says, resting his hand on her face. "Wake up."

Her eyes slam open a moment later and she turns her head, staring at him. Her eyes are wide, her mouth open on a silent scream. "'Lexis," she gets out.

"She's here," he promises. "She's upstairs. You're awake. Hey, Kate," he adds, drawing her eyes to his. "You're here. You're safe."

"Alexis," she says, more tears beginning to stream down her face. "I'm sorry, Castle. So sorry."

"Hey, no," he says, shifting closer to her to wrap an arm gingerly around her side. "No, she's safe. I promise. You saved her."

"Dead," Kate croaks, her lips trembling, chest pistoning. "Dead. He—he wouldn't stop. Wouldn't stop, Castle."

"You stopped him," he promises her.

They've done this before, quiet promises that everything's all right in the dark of night as she cries. And every single time it breaks his heart.

"Didn't," she mumbles, reaching up to squeeze his hand, hard. "Didn't. Dead. She's dead. And Javi—Javi came, but they were too late. And I—I watched and I—she's…" she whimpers and lets out a mournful cry, her hand moving to cover her face as the other wraps in his shirt.

"She's not," he says firmly. "She's alive and upstairs and just fine. She's just fine, Kate. You made sure."

"He strangled her, Castle."

He lets out a slow breath. Usually the promising works. Usually, if he can just get her to look at him, get her to see the truth in his eyes, she believes him.

"I'm so sorry," she breathes out. "I—I let him kill your—how can you even look at me?"

Okay. That's enough.

He can do something about this.

"Okay," he says, pulling back. "Okay. I'll prove it to you."

"Castle?" she manages as he hauls himself out of the bed. He watches with regret as her face crumbles, but he has to do _something_ to help.

"Okay," he murmurs to himself.

He jogs out of the room and up the stairs, careful not to slip and crack his own damn head as he goes. There are enough injured people in this family right now.

He quietly opens Alexis' door and stares at his sleeping daughter, curled tight in a ball under the mound of her comforter. Neither of the girls has been warm since they got out, always under blankets or huddling together, like the cold in that basement has seeped deep into their bones.

He watches for a moment as Alexis breathes, almost lulled into simply leaning there and looking at her for the rest of the night. But Kate needs him. And Kate needs Alexis.

"Okay," he whispers.

He tiptoes in and gently hauls the sleeping teenager into his arms, blanket and all.

She barely weighs a thing. She snuffles and cuddles into him as she slowly makes his way out of the room and back down the stairs. At least one of them can sleep.

When he makes it back to the bedroom, Kate is sitting against the headboard, her face in her hands, still weeping. But she looks up as he enters and her hands fall, her mouth opening and amazement filling her eyes.

He smiles at her and carefully deposits Alexis in the middle of the bed next to Kate. He follows after, the three of them pressed close to fit together.

"See," he whispers, gently guiding the comforter up over his daughter. "She's alive, and just fine. You did good, Kate."

She nods slowly and reaches out to brush the hair from Alexis' face. "Alive."

"Alive," he confirms, laying down and waiting until she follows suit before letting his body relax.

Alexis immediately curls into Kate, an arm over her stomach, as if the woman is some kind of human teddy bear. Kate grunts softly but doesn't move her. Instead, she curls her arm around the teen and looks over at him.

"Thank you."

He offers her a dim smile. "No, Kate. Thank you."

She blinks then closes her eyes, relaxing under the weight of his malnourished daughter.

She's asleep again in minutes.

But he can't follow. Instead, he stays awake, watching as sentinel over his sleeping girls and hoping that tomorrow will be a better day. That someday, he'll be able to do more than show them each other. That someday, he'll really be able to help.


	11. Chapter 11

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 11:**

"Okay?"

"Yeah," Kate says, smiling at Castle as he helps her walk back to the loft.

She's rid of the brace. She can walk. Well, she can limp, which isn't much better, but she's allowed to bend her leg and take a deep bath and just _move_. She wants to run. She wants to dance. She…honestly wants to fall asleep for at least six hours.

Just the trip to the hospital and back was exhausting.

"Well look at you," Martha greets, smiling at them from the kitchen. "You look good, kiddo."

"Thanks, Martha," Kate says, nodding to her. "How are you?"

"I'm well, darling," she replies, gesturing to the countertops, which…look like the set of a cooking show. "Alexis decided to make cookies."

"For how many people?" Castle wonders, guiding Kate into the kitchen.

He actually lifts her onto one of the barstools. She glares at him and he merely kisses her head, walking around to the fridge. Martha smothers a laugh and begins counting the cooling cookie sheets.

Chocolate chip, sugar, snickerdoodle, gingerbread—the girl has gone all out.

"I would say enough for a small battalion," Martha decides.

"And where is the master chef?" Castle asks as he passes Kate a protein drink. He then tosses her a mini-packet of Ritz crackers.

"You do know this isn't milk, right?" she asks, opening the packet and crunching on a cracker.

He eyes the protein drink. "You need to snack more."

Kate rolls her eyes and looks over as Alexis tromps down the stairs, her hair damp. She smiles as she spots Kate.

"You're back!" She walks over to steal one of her crackers. Kate doesn't miss the way she seems to suddenly be breathing better, the way Martha's eyes seem to soften.

"Hey," Castle protests, tossing her a packet. "No sharing. Calories are for one person."

"But if she eats my fries and I drink her milkshake neither of us has to count the calories," Alexis says, sliding into the seat next to Kate's.

"Or you could start on this…cookie army you've made," Castle suggests.

Alexis laughs. "I got into it."

"May I?" Martha asks, reaching for a snickerdoodle. Alexis nods, then waits eagerly as Martha takes her first bite. The woman groans in approval and Alexis smiles, ducking her head and stuffing her face with crackers.

"So, you're crutchless," she says, turning to Kate once she's finished chewing.

"I am." She pushes the protein drink toward Alexis, laughing as Castle sighs and moves toward the fridge again. "I thought maybe this afternoon we could go out."

"Out where?" Castle wonders, tossing Alexis her own drink.

"Just out," Kate says with a shrug. "Take in some sunlight, see the world, be outside."

"You're both doing well with weight but you're still rather pale," Martha agrees.

"We have a balcony," Castle says quickly.

"I want to walk," Kate argues. "Not far. Even just around the block, or to go get more flour, since someone used all of it."

Alexis looks over guiltily. "Did you need that?"

"You're the one who wanted chicken parm," Kate replies. Alexis bites her lip. "Right. So. We need flour. Or at least we do if I'm making it."

"Now?" Alexis asks.

Kate shakes her head. "I need a nap. But later?"

The girl nods slowly and turns back to her crackers. Kate goes to ask if she's all right, but Martha sweeps them all up in a story about her acting studio, and by the time she thinks about it again, Alexis is disappearing up the stairs and Castle is leading her back to his room.

"You think Alexis is okay?" Kate asks as she settles onto the bed.

"Yeah—well, no, but yes?" Castle offers, wincing. "I mean, today she seems okay."

"Yeah," Kate agrees. "I like your bed."

He laughs. "I like you in my bed."

"Nap with me?"

He smiles and nods, walking around to climb under the throw blanket. She grins and scooches up to him, turning on her side for the first time in a week, and finally, finally, melding herself into his side, an arm thrown over his chest.

"Oh," he lets out, covering her arm with his. "Hi."

"Hi," she mumbles into his chest.

"Comfy?"

"You are a good pillow," she decides.

He laughs, the sound rumbling under her ear. "Glad you're finally taking advantage."

She stills beside him. She knows what he means, knows he's referring to her recovery. But it sets something on edge in her chest—all the things that have gone unsaid.

"Castle," she says, trying to pull herself up to look at him. She groans. So she's not fully there yet.

"Kate?" he asks, turning slightly, a gap of space opening between them so he can look down at her. He places a hand gingerly on her side. "You okay?"

"Yeah," she says, nodding as she gets her hand under her cheek, props her head up. "I just—you've been really…great," she offers lamely. It's not the right adjective. "Um, you've been really good at this," she tries again.

"At?" he prompts, his brow furrowed.

"At helping me recover, and taking care of Alexis, and letting me stay here, but I—" she pauses and meets his eyes, trying to figure it out in her head. "The day we were abducted, I was on my way over here."

He nods slowly. They've touched on this, or she supposes Alexis has. They were taken midway down his block, so it's fairly obvious she was in the area to begin with.

"I…I wanted to talk," she says, shaking her head. "I don't know how to do this, retroactively," she admits.

"You were on your way over here to talk?" he says gently, smiling at her in encouragement.

"I just—I wanted to know what was wrong," she offers. "I knew something was off, but you wouldn't say what. I didn't—I didn't know you'd heard me. Alexis told me." He stares at her, his smiling slowly fading. "Before that case, I was going to, well, I wanted to tell you. I just didn't know how. And then you overheard me, and I didn't know it, but I lost my chance and I just—I want—I don't know what I want," she peters off with a sigh.

She reaches up and brushes the hair out of his eyes. "I just want to make sure we're okay, I guess," she decides. "I should have told you. I know that. You know that. I just—things happened so fast in the hospital, and now I'm here, and we haven't talked."

His face lightens, his smile returning and he turns his cheek to kiss her palm. "Kate Beckett actually initiating a relationship conversation?"

She bristles at that. "Hey. I wanted to talk to you before that interrogation, and then you kept blowing me off."

He considers her, puffing up before deflating. "Yeah. I got mad," he admits.

"But you're not anymore," she says. Obviously not, if he's in bed with her.

He shakes his head. "You saved my kid."

Kate recoils, wincing at the pain of it. But no. No. Their relationship can't be built on that.

"My protecting Alexis and you forgiving me for lying aren't the same. That—that can't be your reason," Kate says.

Castle sighs. "No, I meant—Kate, stop," he says as she pulls herself up to sit against the headboard, half the bed between them.

"I don't want to wake up in two months and have that anger come back, Castle. I didn't protect her so you'd love me again."

He gapes at her, scrambling to sit cross-legged next to her. "Hey, I never—I never stopped loving you," he says, reaching for her hand. She lets him take it. "I tried," he admits. "But it didn't—it doesn't work like that."

"But you wanted it to," she says. "I hurt you enough that you wanted to."

He looks down at their hands and threads their fingers together. "It hurt, I'm not going to lie about that," he says, meeting her eyes. "And I went with the hurt instead of trying to fix it. If I'd confronted you, would you have told me?"

She stares at him. She thinks she would have. "Yeah," she offers. "It wouldn't have been pretty."

He nods. "I think I just—I wanted a clean break. I didn't think I could have heard you say you didn't feel the same way at that point."

"Castle!"

"What?" he protests. "I told you I loved you, and you pretended not to remember. I…jumped to a conclusion."

"A bad one," she insists.

"Apparently," he agrees, giving her a tight smile. "It made sense at the time."

"No it didn't," she exclaims. "I—" she pauses. She thought she'd been giving him all these signs, all these moments and gestures. "I guess it did," she mumbles. "I'm sorry, Castle."

"No, hey, wait," he says, scooting closer so his knees bump hers. "I look back, and I—I was a dick." She huffs. "I should have talked to you. You tried."

She nods slowly. She did. She did try. And he went out with a flight attendant.

"I didn't sleep with her."

"Good," falls out of her mouth before she can stop it, and he laughs. It's a broken, small sound, but he smiles at her.

"When you went missing," he starts, shifting close enough to rest his palm on her thigh. "I tried to stay angry. I did," he admits. "But after just one day, I wanted you there. I wanted you there to hold my hand and tell me Alexis was coming back." Kate meets his eyes then. "And you were gone, and I realized that there wasn't a way to turn off those feelings. You were the first person I wanted, the only person I wanted there. Whether or not you loved me back didn't matter after that," he says.

"Castle," she whispers.

He smiles. "We got you back. Well, you got you back. I'm sorry I was a jerk," he says softly.

"I'm sorry I lied," she says immediately.

He shakes his head. "You've said that already. Multiple times. Very sweetly."

"I know," she agrees. "Still bears saying."

He leans in and presses his lips to hers, cradling her cheek with one hand. "You can stop now," he whispers, resting their foreheads together. "_All_ I wanted was you, because you are the person I want with me through the good things and the bad things. You brought my daughter back. You brought you back. We're good, Kate."

She nods against his forehead, blinking back the moisture in her eyes. She's really not a crier. She's not.

"I love you," she says.

He smiles and kisses her nose. "I love you too. Can we nap now?"

She laughs and pushes on him, letting him rearrange them back into their cuddle. This time, her chest is light and his arm is solid and she can breathe. They're good.

He loves her, and they're good.

(…)

"Alexis?" Kate says gently, touching the girl's elbow.

They've made it about a quarter of the way down the block. The sun is shining brightly, the sky is a beautiful blue, and Alexis Castle is shaking.

The girl stands rooted to the spot, staring ahead.

"Alexis," Kate repeats, stepping around to face her. Castle watches from a few feet away. "Hey," Kate says, touching the girl's cheek.

"Oh," Alexis mumbles, meeting Kate's eyes. She only starts shaking harder. "I, um."

"What's wrong?" Kate prompts, taking her hands. "Can you—" She recognizes this spot. This is where she stopped when she heard Alexis screaming.

Shit. She didn't realize the store Castle suggested was the one Alexis had been headed to when she was abducted.

"Alexis," she says softly. "Tyson's dead." Alexis nods, squeezing her hands. "No one is going to take you." She gets another nod for that. "Your dad and I are here. I've got my back-up piece. We're safe."

"He just grabbed me," Alexis whispers. "Got his hand around my neck and dragged me into the alley. I was so surprised, I didn't scream until I was already off the street and he was jamming the gun into my head."

Kate nods and pulls her into a hug, noting the way people are staring at them as they pass by. Some of them slow, recognizing them. Castle moves closer, shielding them with his body.

"It was hard to breathe," Alexis tells her, sucking in air in shorter and shorter bursts.

"He's gone," Kate promises. "Can you come back inside?"

"Flour," Alexis mumbles.

"Castle can go get it," Kate says, meeting his eyes. He nods slowly. "We'll meet him upstairs."

"I'll be back in ten minutes," he tells them, kissing Alexis' head and passing his keys to Kate before jogging down the street.

"Come on," Kate says, wrapping her arm around Alexis and guiding her back up the street and into Castle's building. The doorman gives them a concerned look but she shakes her head, maneuvering the shaking teen over to the elevator.

"We're home," Kate says, ushering her into the elevator. The doors close and she notes Alexis' breathing deepen just a hair. "You're safe," she says, keeping her arm around the girl and squeezing. "You're going to be fine."

_You're fine. You're safe. Everything's okay_. She's hated the phrases for a year, hated counting her breaths and focusing on her heartbeat, hated learning to self-calm and self-soothe against the harsh world. But now, with Alexis having what she can only assume is a very intense panic attack, she's glad she was shot in the heart.

She can help.

"Okay," she says gently, opening the door to the loft. "We're home. See?"

Alexis nods numbly and lets Kate guide her over to the couch. She lets Kate sit her down. Alexis leans into Kate's side immediately once she's seated, still shaking, gripping at her hand.

"Tell me where you are."

"Home," Alexis mumbles.

"Where at home?"

Alexis turns and looks at her in confusion. "Couch. Living room."

"Good," Kate says, smiling at her. "What does it smell like?"

"Cookies," the girl replies slowly.

"What kind did you make?"

"Um," Alexis huffs, taking a deeper breath as she thinks it over. "Chocolate chip, snickerdoodle, sugar—because dad likes them. Gingersnap?"

"Does your dad like to put frosting on the sugar cookies?"

"Yeah," Alexis says, shaking her head. "He made himself sick once."

"I can imagine," Kate offers, tapping on Alexis' knees to get the girl to swing them over her thighs. She runs her fingers through Alexis' hair, smiling as she feels the kid's ribs expand and retract, her breath warm on Kate's shoulder. "How you feelin'?"

Alexis sighs and burrows her head into Kate's shoulder. "How many people saw me?"

"That doesn't matter," Kate says immediately. "How are _you_ feeling?"

"Stupid," Alexis mutters.

"Hey," Kate protests, pulling back to meet her eyes. "You aren't stupid."

"It's just an alleyway," Alexis says, her voice low and tight.

"Where you were abducted," Kate says clearly, wincing as Alexis flinches. "You get to be upset by it. I'm sorry I didn't realize sooner."

"I should be able to walk to the store," Alexis says. "I should want to go outside."

Kate considers her. She hadn't realized that Alexis' penchant for movie marathons and reading had been avoidance of the outside world. She'd assumed the girl was just as tired as she herself was—had no more energy to leave the house than to change into something other than sweatpants.

"Did you think this was going to happen?" Kate asks gently.

"I—no." Alexis shrugs. "I just felt…off. But I wanted to. You said sun and outside and I—I want to go out. I just—I'm," she breaks off and meet Kate's eyes, beseeching.

"Scared?" Kate offers. Alexis nods shyly. "That's okay. That's normal. Anyone would be."

"You're not," Alexis says immediately.

"Of going outside? No," Kate agrees. "Of facing down guns pointed at my chest? You saw me have panic attacks about my scars."

"But you—you're a detective. How can you…be a detective and be afraid of guns?"

Kate sighs and curls the kid back to her shoulder. "Your dad can tell you that the first time I was up against a suspect with a gun after the shooting, I totally froze. The next time, your dad talked me through it. After that, I talked myself through it."

"How?" Alexis whispers, her hand wrapped into Kate's shirt—an over-small Wonder Woman shirt she pilfered from Castle.

"You got this," Kate tells her, turning to kiss her forehead.

"What?"

"I say, 'you got this' to myself."

"You…do?"

"Well, your dad said it first," Kate admits with a smile. "And maybe I just remember him saying it, and believe him." Alexis smiles into her shoulder. "So, you got this, Alexis. You're going to get through this."

"Okay," Alexis whispers, her head going heavy against Kate's shoulder.

"Would you like to go to my therapist tomorrow?" Kate asks, rubbing her shoulder.

"I should, shouldn't I?"

"Only if you want to," Kate says immediately. She definitely should, but forcing the kid into therapy won't work unless she wants to go. God knows Kate didn't think she needed it until she froze for the first time.

"You'll come with me?"

"We can do a joint session," Kate says, shifting to dig her cell phone out of her pocket. "I'll call now."

"Okay," Alexis whispers.

Kate quietly makes the call, scheduling an appointment for the early afternoon the next day. She rubs Alexis' calf after hanging up and leans her head against the teen's.

The door opens and she looks over as Castle quietly enters the loft, dropping a shopping bag onto the chair in the entry way before walking over to them. He sits down on the coffee table and smiles gently at his kid.

"How you doin'?" he asks her.

"I'm okay," Alexis says, huddling into Kate. "I guess…I'll be okay?"

"You will," Kate promises. "Right, Castle?"

"Of course," he says immediately, before considering them. "Maybe—maybe you might want to—"

"Go see Dr. Burke?" Alexis asks, managing a small smile. "Kate just called."

Castle sighs. "Two steps ahead of me, huh?"

Kate shakes her head and smiles. "Just more proactive than before," she offers.

He cocks his head, and she watches as his eyes widen. He nods and reaches out to squeeze Alexis' knee. "I'm going to start prepping for dinner."

"It's like three," Alexis protests.

"Aren't you hungry?" he entices. Alexis blushes and buries her face in Kate's shoulder. Castle grins. "Chicken parmesan coming up. You," he says to Kate as she opens her mouth. She'd been planning to cook. "Just sit and be beautiful."

Alexis huffs as Kate laughs at Castle's cheeky grin. He stands and kisses both of their heads before heading out of the living room.

"I think he's the one who's got it," Alexis mumbles.

Kate laughs. "Yeah, well, let's only tell him that when we need to, huh? His head will swell."

"Already swollen," Alexis says, yawning. "M'tired."

"Panic attacks will do that to you," Kate says. "You can sleep, if you're comfortable."

Alexis nods and shifts a little closer before going heavy against her. Kate hums and rocks them side to side. She'll end up laying the kid down, but she remembers this—remembers the exhaustion and empty feeling left in the wake of an attack. Remembers wanting someone there to hold her and sing her to sleep, someone to make her feel safe.

Her someone is currently clumsily moving through the kitchen. She's happy to be Alexis' for a while.


	12. Chapter 12

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 12:**

Kate leads Alexis out of the elevator and onto Dr. Burke's floor. It's a nice building, about ten blocks from the 12th. Thirty floors, with a view of the city from his spot on the 25th—she's always liked this office.

Alexis tugs on her hand as she reaches for the door. Kate turns and looks at the teen, her hair braided, make-up done; she looks for all the world like she's ready to spend the day with her friends. Instead, she's going to see Kate's therapist.

"Hey," Kate says quietly. "You ready?"

"What if he can't fix me?" Alexis asks softly.

Kate takes both of her hands. "You're not broken," she says firmly. "You're hurting. And he won't fix you, you will. You already are. We made it all the way here."

Alexis nods slowly and releases Kate's hands. Kate smiles and opens the door, ushering the teen in before her. She guides Alexis over to a chair and waits until she's seated before walking to the window to alert Burke's secretary.

"Hi, Linda," she greets.

Linda looks up and beams at her. "Boy, am I glad to see you."

Kate smiles. "Thank you. Do you need paperwork for Alexis Castle?"

Linda shakes her head. "If she decides to do private sessions, we'll set that up then. Dr. Burke is happy to have her in with you today."

"Great," Kate says, nodding as Linda waves her back to her seat.

"Oh, Detective?" Kate turns back. "Try to go the whole year this time, huh?"

Kate rolls her eyes but nods, shaking her head as Linda laughs. She walks over and sits down next to Alexis, noting the way the girl has her hands clasped tightly in her lap.

"What was that about?" Alexis asks.

"She wants me to go a whole year without trying to die," Kate says easily. Alexis stares at her. "I'm gonna give it my best shot."

Alexis narrows her eyes and shakes her head. "You think that gallows humor is so funny."

"It is," Kate says, nudging her.

Alexis gives her a tight smile. Kate's about to say…something comforting when the door opens and Dr. Burke steps out.

"Kate?"

Kate stands and waits for Alexis to join her before turning to Burke. "Hi, Dr. Burke."

"Hello," he says, smiling at them. "It's good to see you."

"Thank you," Kate says, wrapping her arm around Alexis.

The girl takes the hint. "Hi," she says, extending her hand.

He takes it with a smile. "You must be Alexis."

"Yes," she says quietly.

He nods. "I'm Dr. Burke," he says kindly.

He gestures for them to precede him into the office. Kate walks in with Alexis, letting her go once they reach the chairs, which are side by side today, the coffee table set out in front of them. Alexis sits down hesitantly in the one on the left, leaving Kate's usual chair open. Kate plops down and watches as Burke calmly walks to his own seat, considering them.

"So," he begins, looking between them. "I'm glad to see you up and about," he says, settling on Kate. "I had called Captain Gates when I saw the news, and she kept me updated on your progress."

"Oh," Kate says, surprised. "Well—yes. I'm up now. I got rid of the brace yesterday."

"The brace," Burke says.

"I—how much do you know?" He gives her a knowing look and she deflates. She knows that's not how it goes. "Right. Um," she glances at Alexis. "We were abducted about five weeks ago." Burke nods. Alexis sinks lower in her chair. "The—Jerry Tyson—you might remember the 3XK?"

"I do," Burke agrees.

"He—I think I've mentioned once or twice that he escaped after tying Castle up and assaulting Ryan." He nods. "He grabbed Alexis off the street five weeks ago in a plot for revenge against Castle."

"Kate heard me scream for help," Alexis puts in quietly. "He told her to leave and tell my dad what he'd done, but she wouldn't go. So he made her get in the truck—he had a truck—he made her get in with me and then he took us up to Sleepy Hollow."

"She's leaving out the part where she was at gunpoint," Kate adds. Alexis huffs. "It's important," she tells her. Alexis shrugs and stares down at the floor. "While we were in the truck, my head hit the side and I got what the doctors think was a mild concussion."

"Your first concussion," Alexis mumbles.

Burke looks at her. "First?"

"When we escaped he slammed her head against the floor. She's only just stared reading books this week," Alexis says, glancing at Kate. "She still gets dizzy sometimes."

Burke looks between them. "In Sleepy Hollow, what happened?"

Kate watches as Alexis seems to recede. "He took us to a log cabin and kept us in a locked basement with no handle from the inside. We got a loaf of bread a week, for three weeks."

"Kate didn't eat for the first three days," Alexis says, her voice low.

Burke considers her then meets Kate's eyes. "I kept vomiting," she explains. "Alexis would hold my hair back and make sure I drank enough. She took good care of me."

"Because you kept letting him hurt you!" Alexis lets out. "He was going to hurt me. He was supposed to kidnap me. Instead, he cut you up and hit you and tried to—tried to—" she breaks off, staring angrily at Kate. "And I couldn't do anything."

"Alexis," Burke says, breaking their staring match. "Can you explain?"

Kate bites her tongue as Alexis nods, her jaw tight. Alexis didn't let him do anything. Kate was protecting her.

"The first week he sliced her cheek and reopened her incision site." Burke's eyes cut to Kate's at that before returning to Alexis. "He twisted his knife into her scar from the shooting and cut a 'J' into her hip."

Burke nods slowly. "And what did you do?"

Alexis blows out a breath. "I watched and tried not to talk to him. It made him angry."

"He had a gun leveled on her forehead the entire time," Kate says quickly. "She didn't just stand there. If I'd fought back, he would have shot her immediately."

"I see," Burke offers. "And the second week?"

"He started counting the days," Alexis says. "On Kate's back. With a knife."

Burke shifts in his seat and Kate sees his hand twitching on the arm of the chair. "And the third?"

"He wanted to rape me," Kate says before Alexis can. "I couldn't—we'd been there so long, and Alexis was all skin and bones and we both knew infection would get me before he did, so we got out."

"Kate got us out," Alexis argues. "She knocked the gun out of his hand and fought with him. He nearly dislocated her hip and crushed one of her abdominal muscles so badly she was in a brace for a week after being at the hospital in traction," Alexis lets out. "He smashed her head on the floor."

"Alexis pistol whipped him, and we got out," Kate adds. "And then I shot him, to make sure he couldn't follow us."

Burke nods slowly. "And then you left."

"We called Castle, and ended up at the hospital. I was there for a week," Kate says. "Alexis was with me for a few days for nutrition and so her eyes could adjust."

"There wasn't a light in the basement," Alexis explains. "We got a little light from the crawl space under the porch where there was a window, but not enough. The sun still hurts."

"Yeah, it does," Kate agrees, glancing over at the teen.

"And since?" Burke asks gently. "What has life been like for the last…two weeks?"

"Quiet," Kate offers after waiting for a response from Alexis that doesn't come. "I've been staying at the loft with them."

"You have?" Burke asks. He doesn't quite manage to cover his surprise.

"Oh, yeah. Kate and Dad are fine now," Alexis offers with a shrug. "She loves him, he loves her." Kate laughs as Burke's jaw actually drops and he stares at Alexis. "What?" the girl asks, turning to Kate. "What did I say?"

"Um, well, your dad was a…ah," Kate stammers, still laughing. "You just summed up a year's worth of therapy."

Alexis' eyes widen. "Oh. Sorry. That—sorry, that should have been cathartic or something, right?"

"No," Kate says quickly, smiling at her. "No, this is good. More fun than I'm sure Dr. Burke was expecting."

She looks over and finds the man smiling. "I'm glad there's something positive out of this," he says easily. "But I'm sure Kate and I can discuss this development at her next session," he continues as Kate nods. "Alexis," he prompts, waiting until the teen gives him her attention. "What have the last two weeks been like for you?"

Alexis twists her hands together and stares back at the floor. "I—I'm having more trouble than Kate is." Kate opens her mouth but Burke shakes his head. "The first—while Kate was in the hospital, I spent every night there with her, except one, and I ended up waking her up anyway."

"Nightmares?" Burke asks.

Alexis nods. "I—I would manage to fall asleep, but then I'd wake up and I thought—I keep thinking we're still there. And when I can't find her I," Alexis pauses and rubs at her forehead, her body tense. "I assume she's dead, or he's in the house, or—or I don't know. I don't think I know where I am every time."

Burke nods slowly. "What do you do to deal with this?"

Alexis huffs out a harsh laugh. "I wake Kate up. I crawled into her hospital bed like a child for the first week. And I've slept with her and my dad a few times while she's been home with us."

"She feels safe," Burke says, waiting for Alexis' nod of agreement. "Does that make you angry?"

"She doesn't need to sleep with me to feel safe," Alexis mutters. "I didn't even—he didn't even touch me, other than actually abducting us. He only touched Kate. He cut her up, and hit her, and tried to rape her, and I'm the one who's waking up screaming. I shouldn't be waking up like that. I should be able to see her leave the room and not feel like I can't breathe. He didn't hurt me," her voice rises with every word, her body shaking as she starts to cry.

"She's the one that couldn't walk and can't work and could barely eat, and I'm the one who's falling apart and I don't get it. She's—you're just fine," Alexis says, turning to her, accusatory and beseeching at once. "You're fine. You can go outside, and eat, and sleep, and make my dad smile and I'm just falling apart. And I'm making you put me back together but you—you—" she breaks off, heaving in air.

Kate reaches out and takes her hand, squeezing it, trying to say too many things with the gesture. That she doesn't care that Alexis wakes her. That it stops her from having to climb the stairs to check on the girl. That she hasn't broken down, but that doesn't mean she's not scared—that her body doesn't grow tense every time she sees a knife, or hears the creak of a door. She just hasn't cried in front of Alexis.

"Alexis," Burke says, smiling sadly at Kate before meeting the girl's eyes as she raises her head. "It sounds to me like you're experiencing PTSD flashbacks and a heavy amount of survivor's guilt."

Alexis pales. "Survivor's—but Kate didn't die."

Burke shakes his head. "But it seems like you blame yourself for her pain."

Kate's heart breaks as Alexis meekly nods. "I should have stopped him," Alexis whispers. "I should have stopped him," she repeats, squeezing Kate's hand but refusing to look at her. "And instead, I'm making her take care of me."

"There was no way you could have stopped him," Kate says, tugging on Alexis' hand until the girl looks at her. "I should have stopped him sooner," Kate says.

"You couldn't have," Alexis says immediately.

Kate smiles sadly. "So what makes you think you could have?"

Alexis stares at her. "I—I just—every night I watch him cutting you up and I'm trapped or I'm tied down, and I wasn't. I wasn't. I just stood there."

"I asked you to," Kate counters. "I told you to, and you did what I told you, and we're both alive. You know we wouldn't be if you'd tried to stop him. You'd probably be dead."

"But you wouldn't—"

"Alexis," Burke cuts in, before Kate can snap at her—something about valuing her life and scars and just. Not. Equal. "Do you think Kate blames you for what happened?"

"No," Alexis says softly.

"Has she treated you differently because of the…torture?"

"No," Alexis repeats, sinking in her chair. "She just holds me when I'm scared and makes me eat and lets me sleep on her."

"None of which are indicative of any kind of ill will," Burke agrees.

Alexis nods. "I know. I know I'm—I just—It really hurt to have to watch him do that to her, to you," she says, looking at Kate. "And I—I don't know. I can't—I just _can't_. And you can, and I don't understand."

Kate sighs. "Just because I'm not screaming doesn't mean I'm not struggling," she says, watching with regret as Alexis turns to look at her surprised. "I should have shown you. Your dad has seen me cry a number of times, has gotten up and checked on you to prove you were in the house with us. He even carried you downstairs once."

Alexis cocks her head. "I didn't get up?"

"No," Kate says guiltily. "You didn't ask in the morning. I figured you knew. I'm sorry."

"I," Alexis manages, licking her lips before biting on them.

"I didn't want to make you deal with my PTSD," Kate says softly. "Not when you have your own to deal with."

"But you—you deal with mine," Alexis mumbles.

"Because I'm the stepmom," Kate says, laughing as Burke nearly chokes on the other side of the room. "That's my job, kid. You don't need to do this alone."

"But you—"

"Have your dad, if I need him," Kate promises. "I know it's not like a switch, but I'm here, and you don't have to feel like you're burdening me. I want you to be able to come to me with this stuff."

Alexis nods slowly, offering her a tremulous smile.

"I would add," Burke says, smiling as Alexis seems to startle, as if just remembering he's there. "That each time you feel guilty for being traumatized, you need to tell yourself that you are allowed to be scared, and hurt, and needing. You have a support system—one with great experience," he adds, glancing at Kate. "And there's nothing wrong with asking for help. Focus on healing you before trying to take responsibility for Kate's feelings."

"Okay," Alexis mumbles.

"You went through something horrible," Burke continues. "It takes time to heal from that, and before you can, you have to allow yourself the space to heal without placing blame on yourself for being hurt."

"He's right," Kate agrees. "Never thought I'd say that, huh?" she adds, turning to Burke.

"I had my hopes," he says easily. "Now, Alexis, if you'd like to talk more, I'd be happy to set up more sessions for you. Either with Kate or without. We can talk about strategies to help you start to overcome your panic attacks and flashbacks."

Alexis nods. "I'd like that."

"Good. Then, I think, if you're comfortable, we should meet again in two days. Perhaps you have an hour and then Kate does?"

They both nod and Burke stands, waiting until Alexis clambers up to shake her hand.

"I think you're going to be just fine," he tells her. "It takes time."

"Thank you," Alexis says softly, shaking his hand before heading to the door.

"I'm glad you're all right," Burke adds to Kate as he follows her to the door.

"Thank you," Kate says, glancing over at Alexis. "Really."

He smiles and waves them out, walking over to talk to Linda. Kate will call to schedule their appointments later. Now, she follows a quick-moving Alexis as she heads for the exit.

When they get out into the hall Kate catches her elbow. "Hey," she says gently.

Alexis turns and looks up at her, her face tired, eyes shining. Kate smiles and pulls her in for a hug, glad when the girl comes willingly.

"It gets better," she tells the top of her head.

"Promise?" Alexis snuffles. "Because that sucked."

Kate laughs softly. "Yeah. It does for a while. But it gets better, and you get better. And eventually, you'll make him laugh, and it'll feel like a victory."

"Okay," Alexis mumbles, pulling back. "Um, coffee?"

Kate grins. "You up for that?"

Alexis nods slowly. "I think so."

"I mean, well, stomach wise too?"

"I am. Maybe you should get a chai," Alexis offers with a smirk as Kate hits the button for the elevator.

"Just for that, I'm not paying," Kate grouses, nudging her.

Alexis shakes her head. "Dad gave me his card. He's paying."

Kate sighs. "I—that's just—"

"Non-negotiable," Alexis says as they step into the elevator, her voice a credible imitation of Castle's. "Childcare expenses are my responsibility."

"Fine," Kate says, holding up her hands. "Fine. Coffee's on your dad. Treats too, I imagine?"

"For the calories," Alexis agrees solemnly, before laughing and leaning into Kate's side.

She likes to think it's purely for the girl's emotional well-being, but as they walk onto the street, she realizes Alexis is subtly helping her walk, lending bodily support. The muscle on her hip has healed, but her leg is weak. Alexis shifts closer as they pass an alley, her hand fisting into the back of Kate's jacket. But she keeps walking, her head held high.

"So. You probably need a dress for graduation, right?" Kate asks as they cross the next block."

"I have—oh," Alexis says, glancing at her. "I probably don't fit anymore."

"You might by then," Kate says quickly. "Just thought it might be a nice thing to go do."

Alexis shrugs and reaches out to open the door to the Starbucks. It's…loud. Kate blinks, feeling oddly overwhelmed. She hasn't been in a coffee shop in five weeks now. Alexis moves them into the line and they stand together, uneasy.

"This'll go away, right?" Alexis asks quietly.

Kate nods. She hopes so, and fast. "Yeah. But maybe we walk and eat?"

"Definitely," Alexis agrees. "And maybe we dress shop online?"

Kate laughs and pulls Alexis up to the counter. The barista smiles at them, an unassuming young man, maybe 23.

"What can I get you?"

"I'll have a vanilla latte," Alexis says. "And she'll have a chai latte."

Kate sighs but nods. The kid gives them a strange look. "Grande, both of them. And a glazed donut and a coffee cake, please?"

"Sure," he says, watching as Alexis pulls out Castle's credit card. She passes it over with a smile, but leans into Kate as he keeps eyeing them.

Kate knows it's because they look familiar. He's probably seen the ads, pleading, begging people for information. Castle showed her a bit of it, keeps those clippings in a box with the ones from last summer. To Alexis, his confusion looks suspicious. It would to her too, but she used to get the same looks when she first started venturing out after her shooting.

"Here you go," he says, passing the credit card back. "Names?"

"Nikki and Lindsay," Kate says without missing a beat.

Alexis giggles and the barista nods slowly, marking their cups. "They'll be ready down there," he says, pointing toward the pick-up counter.

Kate nods and guides Alexis away, smiling as the girl continues to laugh into her shoulder.

"If you tell your father about this, I'll have to hurt you," Kate grumbles as Alexis finally pulls herself together.

"Have you done it before?"

Kate feels her face flushing. She didn't think this through. She's done it a few times, mornings this past year when she's needed a pick-me-up—needed to feel a little stronger, a little more together. To see herself as he somehow sees her, indomitable—it helps.

"You have," Alexis crows.

"I'll—I'll—man, I did not get enough dirt on you," Kate says, smiling as Alexis flicks her side.

"I won't tell dad," Alexis says, laying a hand over her heart. "I couldn't do that to you."

"I'll bet," Kate mutters. "I can see it now. You want to go to Bali for spring break, and he won't let you, and then it's 'Kate, get dad to let me, or I'll tell him all about your coffee alias.'"

Alexis raises and eyebrow. "That's what you think I'd go with?"

Kate considers her. "You don't have anything else."

Alexis smirks. "Says you."

Wait. "What do you know?" Kate demands. "What did Lanie tell you?"

Alexis grins and steps up to take their drinks and pastries as another barista calls out their 'names.' She hands Kate her chai and reaches into one of the bags to break the donut in half.

"Here," she says, eyes sparkling, handing her half.

"I'll just ask Lanie," Kate decides as Alexis leads her out and onto the street.

"And tell her what? You need ammunition against me because you're going to have to be the one to convince dad to let me go on a wild spring break? Does she even know you guys are dating?"

Kate stares at Alexis, the girl munching happily on her donut. "I—"

"Relationshipping?" Alexis offers, wrinkling her nose. Kate hums. "What are you telling people?"

Kate winces.

"Are you telling people?"

"Well, you wanted to win the pool," she hedges

Alexis shakes her head. "If you want to tell people, don't wait on my account."

Kate sighs. "I—well, if he's going to keep shadowing me, we actually can't tell Gates."

"If?"

"Oh," Kate mumbles. "I mean, I assume he will. I just—sorry. No. Not appropriate."

Alexis grabs her elbow and pulls her to the side of a building. "What?"

Kate shrugs. "You don't need to hear about my relationship with your dad, much less my insecurities. I've got Burke for that. Hell, I should tell your dad, actually."

"You should," Alexis agrees. "But I—I don't need like, _details_, but you can tell me stuff."

Kate smiles and taps her cup to Alexis'. "Thank you."

"Really," Alexis insists. "You don't have to hide everything from me."

"I know," Kate says, leaning back against the wall of a Duane Reed. She watches as Alexis shifts in place, sipping her coffee and watching people pass by.

She really hadn't meant to keep things from the teen. It just happened. Her nerves take a different form, her panic attacks have been fairly non-existent so far, and Castle's just always there.

"I'm a little nervous about telling the guys, actually," Kate admits.

"Really?" Alexis asks, leaning back against the wall with her. Kate watches her, waiting to see if this—standing on the street—is something she can handle. But she's doing well, sipping her coffee and breathing smoothly.

"They were, um, a little mad at your dad for a while."

"Oh," Alexis offers.

"Not for any good reason, just…confused. And I—he definitely doesn't need the big brother talk."

"They are aware that dad is the oldest one there, right? Like, he's the big brother if anything."

Kate laughs and nods, taking a bite of her donut. "They don't care," she says after swallowing. "I'm always going to be their little sister."

Alexis smiles. "That's nice."

"Yeah," Kate agrees. "It is. They're little shits sometimes though."

Alexis laughs loudly and lists into her, tossing the donut bag into a nearby trashcan. "I always wanted a little brother," she admits.

"Yeah? I wanted a sister."

"Maybe one of each would be good," Alexis says with a shrug, smirking up at her.

"Jeez, kid. Let me get back to drinking coffee before you take it away."

Alexis smiles and steps off from the wall, hooking her arm into Kate's. "I don't know. Could be healing," she says cheekily.

"Oh, wow. Want me to suggest that to your dad for you?"

"No," Alexis says quickly. "No, no. That's—oh my god, no."

"I'm totally gonna do it," Kate taunts, grinning as Alexis whines at her. They're still getting looks, but this time it's for their bickering. She can deal with that.

"You suck," Alexis decides as they meander back down the street.

Eventually, they'll hail a cab. Alexis doesn't look quite up to the subway, and Kate's not so sure she could make the stairs anyway. But for now, it's sunny, they're relaxed, and maybe it'll do them some good.

Kate bumps Alexis with her hip and the girl smiles. "Do you think you will?" Alexis asks quietly.

"Will what?"

"Have kids someday?"

Kate takes a long sip of her chai. "Someday," she offers after a moment.

She likes to think she will. But it's still so nebulous, this far off thing.

Alexis nods, biting at her lip. "Can I—" she breaks off.

"What?" Kate prods.

"Um, it's just—I—"

Kate takes her elbow as they hit a crosswalk, waiting for the light. She waits until Alexis looks up to meet her eyes. "You can ask me anything," she says seriously.

Alexis bobs her head. "Um," she glances around. "I haven't, ah—I know it's not possible, at all. Like, at all. But I haven't, um, had my…"

"Oh," Kate lets out, nearly laughing at how suddenly worried Alexis looks. "Oh, sweetie, you're fine."

"I know," Alexis says quickly, blushing a bit. "I mean, I know I'm not…pregnant. I just, um, have…you?"

"No," she says easily. "We were so starved, Alexis, it could take a couple months."

"Oh," Alexis lets out, breathing deep. "Thank God."

"Were you worried?" Kate prompts as they cross the intersection.

"No," Alexis says quickly, before rolling her eyes. "I mean, I—I'm really late, and I guess, sometimes, I just have this…nightmare, sort of, that while we were sleeping he…never mind."

Kate steers them to the side of the street again so she can get a good look at the girl. "Alexis," she says, staring hard into her eyes. "You were starved and dehydrated for a prolonged stretch of time, that's all. You will get your period. You are not pregnant, immaculate or otherwise, I promise."

Alexis lets out a short laugh and nods. "I know."

"When did you start worrying about this?"

Alexis shrugs. "Like two days ago. I'd completely forgotten, but it's been three weeks since I should have, and I just—it's silly."

Kate smiles. "Yeah, but I get it."

"You weren't worried?" Alexis insists.

Kate shakes her head. "I haven't had mine regularly since I was shot," she admits, smiling as Alexis gives her a concerned look. "I'd just gotten back on a regular cycle when we were abducted. I don't—it feels normal to me. I'm sorry. I should have said, or mentioned to the doctor."

"No," Alexis says quickly. "I just—it didn't even occur to me and…thanks. I feel better now."

Kate nods and wraps her arm around the girl, walking them slowly down the street. "You can ask me anything," she repeats, squeezing her shoulders. "And if you want to go to my doctor, we can."

Alexis leans into her. "I'm okay. I just wanted to…check. But I'm good. I don't need a—no reason to, yet."

Kate smiles. "Well, when you have one, or need one, let me know."

Alexis nods and they're quiet as they approach the corner of the park. "Someday would be nice," the girl says a few minutes later.

"Hmm?"

"Having siblings, someday."

Kate glances at her, but Alexis is staring across the park, her hand tight in Kate's jacket.

"I'll see what I can do," Kate manages.

Alexis turns and smiles at her. "Good."

Kate laughs and raises her arm to hail a cab. "Good," she agrees.


	13. Chapter 13

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 13:**

"You're sure?"

Kate sighs and reaches up to cup his cheek. "I need to go see her. It's been two weeks already. I'm overdue."

"But—"

"Is this really about me leaving the loft without you, or do you just miss the guys that much?"

Castle sighs and slumps where he's seated at the counter. "Fine. Go. Give Gates my love."

Kate snorts, laughing as Alexis offers her own from the living room. "I'll be sure to do that. You guys have a good afternoon. I'll bring food home."

He gives her a pout but nods, pulling her in for a soft kiss before releasing her and turning back to his laptop. Why he's seated at the counter—right, to watch her do dishes. Weird man.

She wanders over to the couch and braces her elbows on the back, leaning down to get a glimpse at Alexis' textbook. "You good?"

"After Thursday," Alexis says with a shrug. "Italian?"

"You got it. Don't study too hard."

"Yeah, yeah," the kids grumbles, shooing Kate toward the door.

Kate smiles back at the two of them, pouring over their respective projects, and quietly lets herself out of the loft. She leans back against the door and takes a deep breath. She can do this.

Yes, it's been five weeks now since she's been anywhere without Alexis. But she's just going to the precinct. Just has to go see Gates now that she's nearly up to snuff physically.

She pushes off from the wall and makes her way down to the lobby and out onto the street, her eyes ahead, back straight. She still walks with a slight limp, but Robert says she'll be free of it within the week. Her back has healed, her stomach is coming along. She's ready.

She heads up the block, determined to get to the precinct on foot. It's thirty minutes on a good day, and the sun is shining. She never gets to walk to work. She smiles and reaches up to rub at her cheek.

She pulls her hand back before she manages to smudge the cover-up she has over the still-pink line of her scar. She can't completely hide it, but this way, she hopes, everyone will notice how well she looks, how much healthier and fuller. She doesn't know if she can stand watching Espo and Ryan stare at the scar, regret in their eyes.

Someone brushes past her as she goes through the subway turnstile and she feels her breath catch. She shakes her head and pushes forward, stepping onto the just arriving train. She's fine. No one is going to grab her. For that matter, she has her back up piece at her waist and her badge. And Jerry didn't grab her. He grabbed Alexis.

She sighs as she curls one hand into her light jacket and leans against a pole. She wishes she had Castle now. Another thing she should discuss with Burke, she supposes. They've got their third appointment tomorrow after all.

By the time she gets to the 12th, she's on edge and beginning to think she shouldn't even be discussing her return with Gates. She wants to come back—can't really see herself just chilling at the loft for another two weeks. But she can't very well be out on the streets if just a simple walk has her on edge.

She was held captive, she knows. She was starved. She was tortured.

But she's come back from a bullet wound. She can do this.

Once she gets into the building and into the elevator, she feels her heart rate slowly decelerating. She leans back against the wall and looks up at the ceiling. She slides off her sunglasses and slips them into the pocket of her jacket. She can handle the light now, it's just…easier with the glasses.

She wonders if maybe she should just turn around and go home—go back to _Castle's_ place. The doors open before she can decide and Ryan spots her right away.

"Beckett!" he shouts, jovial. Esposito swings around next to him and they grin, shuffling over to meet her at her desk.

"Hey," she offers, smiling at them as they beam at her. "How are you guys?"

"Good," Espo says. "You?"

"Much better," she says, holding out her hands. They both take note of her brace-free leg and grin.

"It's been quiet without you," Ryan tells her. "And Castle. You know, he can come in even if you're not here."

"Fat chance," Esposito says immediately, before wincing a little. "I mean, you're not the muse for his books, are you, Ryan? Something you want to tell us?"

"That he comes over and lets Castle paint him like one of his French girls on Tuesdays?" Kate slips in before Ryan can reply.

The man glares at both of them. "You think you're so funny," he mumbles.

Esposito grins. "I do. You here to see Gates?" he adds, turning back to Kate.

"Yeah, she in?"

"Ah, Detective Beckett," Gates announces, leaning out of her office.

"I'd say so," Ryan mutters. "Luck."

"With what?" Esposito hisses at him, whacking the back of his head as they head back to their desks and a partially-filled murder board.

"Hello, sir," Kate says, walking over to join Gates in her office.

The woman ushers her in and gestures to one of the chair across from her desk with a smile.

"It's good to see you up and about," Gates says, settling in her chair as Kate sits down in her own. "You look well."

Kate nods. "Thank you, sir. I feel better."

"That's good," the woman says, considering her. "We were very worried about you," she admits. "And I must say, half of me was more worried about what would happen to Mr. Castle if you didn't come back. Don't tell him I said that," she adds.

Kate laughs softly. "Of course. And thank you. I know you, Ryan, and Esposito did everything you could to recover us."

"It wasn't enough," Gates tells her, her face grim.

"We got out," Kate argues. "And somewhere along the line, he would have slipped up."

"Thanks to you, he'll never have the chance. Good shot."

"Thank you."

Gates folds her hands onto the desk and Kate shifts in her chair, feeling uncomfortable. They get along, she and the Captain, but it's always been strained. And this—this is just awkward.

"I just wanted to see how you were doing. I didn't want to intrude."

"Oh," Kate says, recovering herself. That's actually rather sweet. "You wouldn't have been intruding."

"It's my understanding that you're staying with Mr. Castle at the moment."

Kate shrinks under her assessing stare. "Um, well, yes, because Alexis is recuperating too, and I needed a lot of help, and it was, ah, easier that way," stumbles out of her mouth. Smooth.

Gates shakes her head. "I'm not fishing, Detective. I just wasn't sure Mr. Castle would have appreciated a visit."

Kate bobs her head for a moment, feeling lost. "Well, that's considerate, but I'm sure he wouldn't have minded, sir."

Gates laughs. "Give him a few weeks once you're back, I'm sure he'll change his mind."

Kate blinks. "Have you changed yours, sir?" Gates stares at her. Oops, okay, so they're not _that_ comfortable yet.

"About Mr. Castle?"

"Yes?" she replies meekly.

Gates huffs out a laugh. "I—have come to believe that he is more useful than I first thought, and far less shallow."

"Kidnappings tend to bring out the rawest parts of people," Kate agrees.

Gates nods. "If at all possible, I'd like to ask that you never disappear again. Watching him go through that was…painful."

Kate opens her mouth, then closes it. She has no plans to disappear on Castle. Then again, she might have said the same last year about this time.

"Now," Gates says, interrupting her guilt spiral. "How are you feeling?"

"Much better," Kate manages. "My gait should be back to normal by next week."

"And psychologically?" the Captain asks gently.

Kate shrugs. "I'm still seeing my therapist. Alexis is too, actually. I'm fine."

Gates nods slowly. "That's good to hear. Now, we have you out on leave at the moment. I don't have to reinstate you just yet, if you'd like. If I do, however, any more of your time will be taken as sick days or personal days, and I imagine, given your record, you'd rather not use those up?" Kate nods quickly. "Should we meet again in a week, when your hip is back to speed? Unless you'd like some desk work."

"A week would be great," Kate says immediately. Gates laughs. "Thank you, sir."

"You're welcome, Detective. Now, please, go home—or wherever you're staying right now—and eat some more. You're bigger, but you're still a rail."

Kate laughs, startled. "Yes sir."

She stands and walks to the door. "Oh, and Kate?" She turns and finds Gates giving her quite a look. "I'm not fishing, but I should remind you that the NYPD does not condone fraternization between members of its staff—even its voluntary staff." Kate stares at her. "Just so you remember."

"Yes sir," Kate manages, before ducking out of the office.

So…Castle can come back, as long as they don't give themselves up.

"All good?" Esposito asks as she wanders back toward her desk. She turns and smiles at the guys, both perched on the edge of Ryan's desk, watching her.

"Yeah," she says, running a hand through her hair. "I've got another week of leave, and then I'll be back. Hopefully on active duty."

The nod and glance at each other. "We'll survive," Ryan decides.

Kate laughs. "Good. The paperwork would be horrible otherwise." They guffaw good naturedly and she shakes her head. "Come over, some night when it's slow?" she asks.

She'd like to see them, really get to see them. It hits her hard, how strange it's been to be just the three of them, sometimes four, at the loft—this whole part of her life just…standing still here at the precinct.

"Sure," Ryan says slowly.

"At Castle's?" Esposito adds, both of them considering her, standing there, shoulder to shoulder.

Ah, shit. "Um, yeah," she manages, trying to sound nonchalant about it. "He's been missing his pals." They narrow their eyes and she takes her opportunity to make for the exit. "Call me when you're free," she calls out before ducking into the elevator.

Coming back next week is going to be rough.

(…)

"You know, if you read that thing any more, I think it's going to be burned onto your eyes," Kate says as she closes the door to Burke's office the next day.

Alexis looks up from her seat across from the door—the waiting room empty of everyone but the two of them. She sighs and shuts the textbook.

"That's kind of the point," she says, standing and cracking her back. "You good?"

"Yeah," Kate agrees, waving to Linda before following Alexis out of the office, watch the way the teen exhaustedly shoves the book into her shoulder bag. "Coffee?"

"Food?" Alexis asks instead, covering a yawn.

Kate frowns, noting the deeper bags beneath the girl's eyes, the way her skin seems a little paler. "Sure," she says, wrapping an arm around Alexis as they get into the elevator.

The teen sags against her, her cheek hitting her shoulder. "Fries," Alexis mumbles.

"And shakes," Kate agrees, steering her out of the elevator and onto the street. She heads for the diner a few blocks away, glad at the moment that Alexis convinced Castle to stay home for this session.

He's developed a habit of coming with them, to sit with Alexis while Kate has her session with Burke, keeping the girl entertained, or just serving as someone to lean against. Today, however, given Alexis' state of exhaustion, would just have Castle worried.

She keeps her arm over Alexis' shoulders as they walk, surprised when the teen doesn't even flinch as someone brushes past. It's like she's walking with a zombie.

Alexis lets her maneuver her into a booth in the diner, the cracked red upholstery groaning under their miniscule weight. Kate orders two coffees, two strawberry shakes, fries, mozzarella sticks, and two burgers, ignoring Alexis' scoffing.

"We'll bring them back to your dad. He'll be thrilled."

Alexis shrugs and promptly lets her head fall to the table, pillowing it on her arms.

"Hey," Kate says gently. "What's up with you, kid?"

Alexis mumbles something but it's lost to the tabletop. She taps Alexis' head and the girl looks up, squinting at her. "Couldn't sleep. Studying."

Kate clicks her tongue. "You know that material backward and forward," she says slowly. "You need to sleep tonight."

"I know," Alexis agrees, hauling herself up. "I'll try."

"Do you know what's keeping you up?"

Alexis shrugs, reaching gratefully for a mug as their bohemian waitress comes over with coffee. She gives Kate a look as Alexis starts drinking it black, and Kate offers a saccharine smile. That woman has no idea, with her trendy clothes and well applied make up.

Kate's wearing an over-sized sweatshirt she may or may not have pilfered from Castle, and Alexis is in sweats. Neither of them were too happy about getting up for an early therapy session today, but it was all Burke had.

"Add some cream," Kate chides as Alexis continues to guzzle. "And slow down."

"Caffeine," Alexis protests as Kate pours cream into the teen's cup, adding some to her own.

"Calories."

"Milkshakes and fries and—" Alexis breaks off, gesturing with her hand toward Kate. "We're fine."

Kate shrugs and waves the teen back toward her coffee. "So, why were you studying last night instead of sleeping?"

Alexis glances at her over the rim of her coffee cup. "I," she stars, pausing to take a deep sip. "I'm nervous," she decides. "I guess."

"About what?"

"Going to school," Alexis says softly, her cheeks flushing. She looks up and Kate smiles, encouraging her. "I just—everyone's going to ask questions, and we take the exams in the auditorium, and it'll be filled with people, and I haven't—I haven't talked to Paige."

Kate reaches out and squeezes the girl's hand. "She'll understand."

Alexis shrugs. "She'll be mad. I should have called."

Kate sighs. "I know the feeling," she offers, shaking her head as Alexis winces. "But it's been two and a half weeks, not three months. She'll understand, I promise."

Alexis nods and scratches at her forehead. "I feel—it's just school, you know?"

"Do you want to take the test in isolation? I'm sure they could accommodate you, put you in the guidance suite or something."

Alexis shakes her head. "It's the auditorium."

Kate waits a beat. "That's not an answer?"

Alexis sighs. "I—I talked with Burke about it," she admits. "I mean, as far as facing fears go, it's like the safest place to do it."

Kate nods slowly. "But," she stops. If Burke thinks it's a good idea, who's she to argue? "That makes sense," she decides.

Their food arrives and Alexis immediately reaches out for the fries, dipping a few in her milkshake. Kate wrinkles her nose as the girl eats.

"What?" she mumbles.

"You are so your father's child," she offers, squeezing out ketchup into the side of the container and onto her burger.

"It's good," Alexis argues.

"So he says," Kate tosses back. "I like normal."

"But he got you to try it," Alexis says, her eyes sparkling. Kate purses her lips around her bite and chews, going for nonchalant. "I bet he didn't even have to beg."

Kate scoffs and swallows. "He did. It was when we started working together—when he started shadowing me," she corrects. She didn't really consider them working together until the second year.

"Ah. When you played hard to get," Alexis agrees, rolling her eyes.

"Hey, I was hard to get," she protests, wincing a moment later. "Really hard."

Alexis laughs. "I didn't mean it in a bad way. You made him work for it. That was good…for a while."

Kate stuffs a mozzarella stick in her mouth, watching as Alexis laughs at her. "Shut up."

Alexis waves her off and reaches out to steal her pickle. Kate lets her. Funny, she wonders how many of the Castle taste preferences are genetic.

"It was good," Alexis insists. "He grew up a lot, you know?"

Kate shrugs. "He was pretty grown up already, raising you," she defends, even though she knows Alexis is right. It still feels wrong to talk about the girl's father that way.

Alexis shakes her head. "No, I mean…like as a guy. He's always been a great dad. But as a dater—don't get me wrong, he tried with Gina, both times, but it wasn't—he thinks things through so much more with you."

Kate focuses on her food. She didn't mean to make him 'grow up,' not really. She wanted—what did she want? Stable. Someone to depend on. And he is, so much—a rock when she needs him to be, a kid when she needs to be joked out of it, a friend when things get rough.

And what has she given him? Mixed signals and lies.

"Kate."

Kate looks up and finds Alexis looking at her, apology all over her face. "I'm fine," she promises.

"Dad _loves_ you. Look at what he's done with you. All the books and he's so much more level-headed and happy. He's really happy."

"He wasn't this year," Kate says quietly.

Alexis shakes her head. "Neither were you. You didn't ask to get shot. You made some choices, he made some choices—both of you screwed up, but come on. You got locked up with a tiger. He's never had more fun."

Kate grunts out a laugh at that. "That wasn't fun. That was—okay, it was a little fun."

Alexis grins. "He's so happy. Have you seen him the past few weeks? It's like someone slapped him with the love stick." Kate blushes and hides in her milkshake. "You too."

"Shut up."

(…)

Castle brushes his fingers across her shoulder, wrapping his arm around her and bending down to kiss her cheek.

"Good book?" he whispers against the shell of her ear.

She smiles and leans her head back against his arm to look up at him. She closes Flowers for Your Grave in her lap so he can see the cover. He grins and she can't help but melt a little at that—how very pleased he looks to find her with his book.

"Great book," he decides. "How was therapy?"

He'd been out when they got back, and though she'd convinced Alexis to spend a few hours watching TV with her, she eventually had to relinquish the teen to the call of her history textbook. So she ended up here, in his office, with his book.

"Good," she offers. "Meetings?"

"Boring," he admits, moving around to plop down in front of her, sitting cross legged, his toes brushing hers.

She drops her other leg, previously curled up under her body, and lets her foot rest on his knee.

"Terribly boring?" she asks, simpering a little.

He taps her toes and looks up at her with big, pouting eyes. "Horribly."

She shakes her head and stretches. "I thought you'd enjoy having people sing your praises."

He laughs. "Yeah. Not those kinds of meetings. It was all graphic novels and eBook sales and 'can't you finish the next Nikki Heat a little faster, Rick?' 'What about another Storm book, Rick?'"

She nods along. Strange to think that these people call him Rick all the time. It doesn't sound right.

"What?" he asks with a laugh.

Oh, wait, did she—

"Rick sounds wrong?"

She blushes and bites her lip. "Not…bad," she hedges as he continues to chuckle at her. "Just weird. Forget it."

He shakes his head, rising onto his knees to shuffle into the vee of her legs, his palms coming to rest on her thighs. He's tall enough that they're nearly eye-to-eye like this.

"You don't like Rick?" he asks, a challenge in his eyes.

She hums. "It's fine."

"Fine?"

She sighs and gives him a look. "You've got a great name, first and surname, okay? I'm just not used to hearing anyone chastise you with your first name."

He laughs at that, loudly, his whole body shaking. "So I never have to worry about you screeching it at me?"

"I don't screech," is her first response, and he only laughs more. "Castle!"

He grins. "Good," he decides, dipping his head to press his lips to hers, still laughing.

It's contagious, and somehow after a moment, she's giggling into his kiss. Silly man.

"I don't screech," she repeats as they pull apart. She tries for a disapproving look, she does, but judging by his smile, she doesn't manage it.

"No, you don't," he agrees. "You yell, but you're not shrill."

"Thanks," she says, miffed.

"I—" he reaches up and rubs his neck, looking suddenly shy. "Never mind."

"What?" she prompts, lifting a hand to tug on his ear—not painful, just playful.

She gets a smile for that. "I just—I like that you're not going to be screeching at me like that."

She—oh. Oh. "No," she agrees. "I don't promise not to yell."

He nods with a chuckle. "Me neither."

She laughs and tugs him back in, pressing her lips to his. She wonders idly, with the part of her brain still capable of thought, if Castle's wives had a penchant for shrieking at him. She can kind of see it in Meredith. She doesn't know enough about Gina to guess really, but judging by Castle's admission, she must have.

She can understand yelling at him. The man is maddening. But screeching—Kate's just as fallible as Castle, and he'd never shriek at her. There's no reason.

She groans softly as he pulls away from her mouth, his lips gliding down her jaw and laving at her pulse. His hands slide up from her thighs, wrapping around her, pulling her flush against his torso. Her legs seem to wrap around his stomach of their own accord.

"Castle," she breathes out, trailing her hands over his back.

He smiles into her neck before pulling back to meet her eyes. "Beckett."

She leans in and takes his mouth, her legs tightening around his waist. One of his hands slips under her tee shirt, his palm hot against the skin of her lower back. She moans quietly and nips at his lip, his touch setting her body on fire.

His hands are gentle and big, roving over her waist and her lower back, his hips sturdy between her legs. Every time he breathes his stomach presses against her and she wriggles, feeling overwhelmed.

It's been so long sing someone touched her like this, and it's _Castle_ doing the touching. He hums into her mouth and she feels his hand migrating, sweeping along her stomach beneath her shirt. She sucks in air around his lips, her heart stuttering.

No one has touched her like this, swept his fingers along her stomach, swirled around her—

Her eyes slam shut, sensation falling away as she remembers exactly who the last person to trail his fingers across her chest was. She shudders and Castle grunts, releasing her lips to mouth up to her ear. But she can't pay attention anymore. All she can see is the cracked ceiling of the basement.

All she can hear is Tyson's heavy breathing and Alexis whimpering in the corner. All she can feel is Tyson trailing his fingers around her belly button, that lewd, maniac smile on his face.

"Kate?"

She opens her eyes at the sound of Castle's voice, realizes that her hands are fisted in his shirt, her legs a vice around him, knuckles white.

"Shit, Kate? Hey."

She forces air into her lung and looks around. The office. Castle's office. She's not in the basement. She's here, with Castle, wrapped around Castle. Castle is the one touching her—loving her.

"Sorry," she whispers.

"No," he says quickly, one of his hands coming up to cradle the side of her face—the side without the scar. "Beckett." She meets his eyes at that. "Let me help."

She doesn't know how to let him. She knows she's here. Tyson's dead. Castle isn't Tyson. They have different hands. Castle—Castle's hands won't ever hurt her.

But she doesn't know what to do.

"Kate?"

Oh. She's crying.

She squeaks as Castle stands, her body going with him. He hums softly against her ear and holds her tight, carrying her through to his room. He settles her softly on the bed, pries her limbs from his. Her body feels foreign, aching, like she just got out of that hellish place.

She's halfway between a flashback and a panic attack and she's never had someone around for this before. Well, Alexis, and her father once or twice—but Castle's never been around for this before, not like this. She feels lost, even with his hand rubbing circles between her shoulders, even with his weight heavy beside her on the bed as she twists her hands together, tries to stop crying.

She didn't think this would happen. She's been fine. Fine fine fine. He didn't even—he didn't even get her underwear off, just taunted her, defiled her. He ate her with his eyes and seared her with his calloused touch, and now he's all over her body and Castle—Castle is so stoic and strong and kind beside her, but Tyson…

Her stomach lurches and she gags, throwing a hand over her mouth as she stumbles up. The memory of Tyson leering at her is so strong she feels her lunch trying to revolt. She clumsily dashes into the bathroom just in time to collapse to her knees, heaving over Castle's expensive toilet.

"Oh, honey," she hears softly as Castle sweeps her hair up, strokes her back, over all of those scars—

She heaves more. Her body is broken and her mind is broken and she just wanted Castle to touch her. He was just _touching_ her. What if she can never have him touch her again?

She's still crying when her stomach finally calms, when she slumps back, clammy and sweating. But there's instantly a cool cloth on the back of her neck, a cup of water being pushed into her hand.

She swishes and spits into the toilet, averting her eyes from the mess she's left, nauseated all over again by the smell. But he flushes the toilet before she can even think to, his hand still gliding over her back.

"Better?" he whispers.

She nods shakily, feeling maybe a bit more like herself. Castle's bathroom—it's not the worst place to lose it, all things considered. And here, she has water, and mouthwash, and Castle.

"I'm sorry," she says, glancing at him through blurry eyes. "I, um…"

"Come on," he says, smiling at her. He helps her up and hovers as she quickly brushes her teeth.

She lets him guide her back into the bedroom, lets him settle her on the bed again. It's surreal. She's in his bed, in his house. She's been for a while now, and he's been so patient with her, and now—the first time he really tries something—she falls completely apart.

He doesn't prod. She thought he'd prod.

Instead, he just settles onto the bed beside her, both of them sitting up against the headboard. He crosses his ankles and relaxes next to her. Well, feigns relaxation, at any rate.

She owes him an explanation.

"You don't have to talk about it." She looks over at him and he smiles at her, reaching out to place a hand on her knee. "Even if I'm not asking very loudly."

She huffs and covers his hand with hers, staring down as he links their fingers together. She loves his hands. She has for a long time. Loves the arms attached to the hands, the firm embrace his hugs provide, the way he can swallow her whole. She's had so few of those hugs over the year. She wants them. She wants this, with him. She has to get over this.

And if she can't tell him, who's she going to tell?

"I do want to sleep with you." He jerks next to her, gaping at her and she bites her lip. But she's just had an episode, she can't really be expected to be smooth right now, can she?

"Um, good?" he manages.

She squeezes his hand. "I didn't—I didn't think it would be a problem, once my hip got better. I mean," she pauses, reminded of the feeling of his hand over the scars on her back. "I thought you might have more trouble. I don't have to stare at them."

"Your battle scars from saving my daughter? Not a problem."

She blows out a breath and nods. That's good. She's sure he's lying, at least in part—can't imagine he's truly able to look at the scars on her back, her bullet wound, the 'j' on her hip, without negative thoughts.

"Kate?" he prompts gently.

"When we—what did Alexis tell you about our escape?"

He stares at her. "Um, that you took him out, she pistol whipped him, and you shot him."

Kate sighs. She should have told him this earlier. Maybe if she had…

"What else happened?" he asks slowly. He shuffles toward her then, shifting around to kneel in front of her where she's got her legs crossed. "Kate, he didn't—he didn't—"

She shakes her head, taking both his hands. "He tried, but he didn't get very far. Making her watch him cut me up was one thing, but I couldn't—I couldn't face having her see him rape me."

"God," he breathes out, lurching forward to wrap her in his arms, their legs bumping together awkwardly. "Thank God."

She turns her face into his neck and uncurls her legs, letting him scoop her up and into his lap. This, she can do. This, she can weather.

"He didn't—he didn't get through with much, but he did touch me," she admits, feeling the way he clutches at her. "And I—I didn't think it would last, but when you touched my stomach I just," she breaks off. She doesn't want Tyson in bed with them.

"Oh, Kate," Castle murmurs, turning to kiss her cheek. "I'm so sorry."

She shakes her head and pulls back to look at him. "_I'm_ sorry," she insists. "I didn't—" she breaks off and sighs. "When we finally did this, I didn't think I'd even be able to think."

He smiles at that, his eyes watery. "Yeah?"

She nods, feeling her chest loosen as he brightens, his hands settled on her back, their bodies pressed close together. "Of all the many ways I've thought this would go, me having a panic attack before you got my shirt off was not one of them."

He laughs and rests his forehead against her. "The many ways?"

She smirks. "The many, many ways, Castle."

He grins and presses his lips to hers in a soft kiss before pulling back. "Tell me?"

She giggles, her body relaxing against him. That's one way to talk herself out of a panic attack, she supposes.

"Well, for starters, you got my shirt off," she says, laughing as he fiddles with the bottom of her tee shirt. He doesn't lift it off of her, just slips his hands back to tug her with him as he lies down.

He scoots them back to their pillows, her body curled against his side, her head resting above his heart.

"Where?" he asks, dragging his fingers through her hair.

"Here, my place," she replies, smiling at the thought. "I bet you'd vote for interrogation."

"It would be so fitting!" he agrees as she taps playfully on his chest. "The break room too."

"People eat in there," she protests.

"You can have sex on the interrogation room table, but not in the break room? Criminals sit at that table, Beckett."

She snorts as he chuckles. She cuddles closer, her breathing returning to normal while other parts of her body speed up.

"My shower, but now that I've seen it, your tub."

He hums. "I have a hot tub in the Hamptons," he says. "Ocean."

"Have you ever gotten sand out of your ass?" Kate asks, smiling as he lets out a loud 'hah.' "I'm surprised you haven't said my squad car."

"Ooh," he lets out. "Yeah." She giggles into him. "I've also got a balcony."

"You want to have sex on your balcony? Here?"

"No," he says immediately. "Well, actually."

"If the lights are out, maybe," she finds herself saying. Oh, wow, where did that come from?

Probably the tightness in her midsection and the firm feeling of him pressed against her body.

She feels him stiffen beside her, his body going taught. "Shouldn't have started this conversation," he mumbles.

She nods against his chest. "Sorry, I—"

"No," he says quickly, turning so he can see her face. He shuffles down so their eyes are on the same level. "I'm not—I mean, I am very excited for exhibitionist balcony sex, don't get me wrong." She laughs and slaps his chest. "But you—whatever I can do to help you, I will. I don't ever want to make you think of him."

She sighs and reaches up to brush her fingers along the strong line of his jaw. "You didn't, Castle. That's just—it's just how my mind works right now. I'll fix it."

He turns his face, kissing her palm. "You're not broken, Beckett."

She sucks in a breath at that. She's—she's been broken for so long. So very long.

He peers at her and she tries to shut it away, tries not to let him see how much that phrase means to her, how much his belief in her stabs and picks at something deep and dark that's festered since long before she was shot.

"You don't have to fix yourself," he says slowly. "Especially not for me."

She huffs despite herself. "Castle, I shut you out for an entire summer so you wouldn't see me weak. I didn't tell you I knew you loved me because I was scared and couldn't say it back yet—"

"God, I hope your therapist gets better," he says, cutting her off.

"What?" she lets out, indignant.

"I fell in love with you before you went into therapy, Kate. I fell in love with your mind, and the way you smile, the way you could make me laugh with a stupid joke, would take me out for junk food because I was sad. There was nothing broken about you then, and there's nothing broken about you now. You're not fixing yourself, you're healing. I don't need a better Beckett, okay?"

Shit, she's crying again. Damnit.

He chuckles softly and moves into her, kissing the tears from her cheeks. "I love that you went and did work to heal. I think that's strong and smart and incredibly brave. And I love that that work helped you get to a place where you feel ready for this. But I loved you without that work too. You are more than enough for me, just as you are."

She surges forward and kisses him, because she doesn't have the words to explain how much that means. He loves her just as she is, flawed and standing in rubble.

"I love you," she whispers as she pulls back.

He smiles and wraps her into his side. "Rest up," he says, stroking his fingers through her hair. "Whenever you're ready, I'm going to wear you out."

She laughs into his chest and bites her lip. She's sure he will. And she'll get there. She shifts against him, her body still tight, everything revved with nowhere to go yet. She'll get there fast if she has anything to say about it.


	14. Chapter 14

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 14:**

Kate watches from the island as Alexis stares at the front door, her backpack held listlessly in one hand, her other curled up to her mouth, chewing on her nail. Her school uniform hangs too large still over her frame, her hair braided back. She looks young, even from behind.

She told herself she would keep her distance, but it's been ten minutes now, and if Alexis doesn't actually leave soon, she'll miss the final. Castle's practically vibrating next to her, her hand on his thigh the only thing keeping him from moving, from wrapping his baby up and calling the school to get her out of this.

Kate sighs softly and pats his thigh before getting up. She glances at him and sees such gratefulness shining back that she smiles. But now is not the time to comfort Big Castle.

"Alexis?" she asks softly, approaching the girl and touching her shoulder as she moves around to see her face.

Alexis looks at her, determination and defeat warring in her eyes. "I can't open the door," she mumbles. "What time is it?"

"Seven thirty," Kate says gently.

"I need to go," Alexis says, her free hand curled into a fist. "I need to leave."

"Do you want some help?"

Alexis huffs. "You wanna take my test for me?"

Kate chuckles. "No, but I could drive over with you."

"Really?" The kid's eyes go wide, full of hope, and Kate nods. She should have suggested this sooner.

"Give me two minutes to get changed, and I'll drive you over. Castle, keys?" she adds as she hurries back toward his room.

She throws on a pair of jeans and a light sweater, grabs her jacket and her bag. She jogs back into the foyer and smiles as Castle passes her the keys to his car and the copy of Flowers for Your Grave she was reading last night.

He kisses her briefly, then grabs Alexis and smacks a kiss to her head. Alexis groans but hugs him back. Kate takes her moment to sling Alexis' backpack over her own shoulder and open the door. Alexis stares at the hallway for a moment before walking out with her. Kate wraps her arm around the teen's shoulders and presses the button for the elevator.

"Okay?" she asks.

Alexis nods. "I, um. Thanks," she whispers.

Kate smiles and squeezes her shoulders. "No problem."

Alexis is calmer as they drive to the school. She gives Kate directions and fiddles with the bracelet she's wearing, eyes hidden beneath large sunglasses. Kate has her own pair. At least they match.

She pulls up to the school, watches as a few other straggling plaid-skirted students scurry up the large front steps. Alexis stays stock still, her chest rising and falling at a rapid pace.

"You got this, Alexis."

"I really don't," Alexis says, turning to look at her, her face tight. "I really, really don't."

Kate considers her. She gets it. She entirely gets it—the fear that creeps up the girl's back at the idea of heading into something so normal. Knows the feeling of wrong, impossible, unnatural that seeps up under her skin when faced with this place she used to command. She's trying to command herself, how can she command something else, let alone walk in with her head held high, when it's taking everything just to sit in the car and not cry?

Kate thinks how much easier that first walk into the precinct would have been with Castle there telling her jokes.

"Want me to come in with you?"

Alexis' eyes lighten before she blinks and looks away. "I—I should be able to do this on my own."

"Says who?" Alexis swings back and looks at her hopefully. "We'll tell them your dad is feeling over protective and insisted I accompany you. You can roll your eyes and pout about it."

"Okay, yeah," Alexis agrees, smiling. It's brittle, but Kate can see her confidence rebuilding.

Kate checks the street sign then motions for Alexis to get out of the car. She steps out herself and walks around, holding out Alexis' bag to her. Alexis takes it with a smile and together they start up the steps. Alexis is tense beside her, but she's got her jaw set.

Kate follows her into the school and through the front entrance. Alexis pulls out her ID as they approach the desk that separates them from the large, mahogany staircase and marble hall that leads down to the classrooms, she supposes.

"Alexis Castle," Alexis tells the matronly woman manning the front desk.

"And Detective Beckett," Kate adds. "Accompanying her."

The woman blinks at them, then takes Alexis in. "Oh, of course dear. You can head right to the auditorium. Here's a pass, Detective."

Kate takes the slip and sticks it to the lapel of her jacket, smiling at the round-faced woman as she follows Alexis down the hall. It would be more fun to just flash her badge each time she's asked about her intentions, but that would probably draw more attention to Alexis than the kid needs.

"This is some school," Kate says quietly as they wander down yet another mahogany-walled passage. Even the lockers look more expensive than hers were. Alexis glances at her and shrugs.

"Dad says a few of his were worse."

Kate laughs, the sound bouncing around the hall. "I can believe it. By the way, good for you for sticking with just the one."

Alexis snorts. "I can't imagine what I'd need to do to get kicked out."

"I'm sure your dad could give you suggestions. But you've made it this far, may as well graduate now."

Alexis nods and offers her a smile as they come up on a corner, the sound of students chattering quietly flowing around them. Alexis hesitates just before the turn and Kate reaches out, squeezes her elbow.

"We'll get ice cream after."

Alexis laughs fully at that and turns to look at her. "Thank you."

With that, she steps around the bend. Kate follows, watching with resignation as the students slowly stop talking, all of them staring at Alexis. The hall is filled with maybe twenty-five students. It's a small school. Everyone's heard about the famous novelist's daughter who was kidnapped and held captive for three weeks. If it didn't reach them through the rumor mill, the papers and television coverage would have done it.

Silence reigns for a moment before a girl pushes through the crowd, practically flinging herself onto Alexis, with a shrieked "Alexis!"

Kate reaches out, steadying Alexis as she stumbles back under the girl's weight.

"Hi Paige," she hears Alexis mumble.

Paige pulls back and looks at her, a war of relief and indignation on her face that Kate knows well. It's how Lanie looked at her the first time they saw each other after last summer.

"I was so worried about you," Paige says, scanning over Alexis' face. "You're thinner."

"Yeah," Alexis manages. She glances back at Kate and Paige's eyes follow.

"Oh, um. Hi," the girl says.

"Hi. I'm Detective Beckett," Kate greets.

"The detective your dad follows," Paige confirms with Alexis. "Hi, I'm Paige."

"Nice to meet you," Kate says with a smile as she notices the doors to the auditorium opening.

Paige turns at the sound and practically drags Alexis toward the door, whispering to her rapidly. Kate follows, trying to stay in Alexis' line of sight as the girl grows more and more tense.

Kate's almost glad when the woman she assumes teaches history walks out of the auditorium. Kate's not sure Alexis can take more interrogation just yet—not with half of the students still sneaking looks at her.

"All right. Your last final of high school," the woman announces. The students cheer quietly. "You're seated in alphabetical order. Go in and drop your bags along the wall. You'll need only a pen and a few number two pencils." She gestures toward the doors and everyone begins trekking inside.

Kate watches as Alexis glances around, finally finding her at the back of the throng. She hadn't been planning to, but Kate thinks perhaps she should try and sit in the auditorium. Paige keeps grabbing Alexis' attention, but Kate can tell the separation is making the teen uneasy.

So she'll sit and read for a few hours in the auditorium. There are worse ways to spend a Thursday morning. She begins to head through the doors only to find her path blocked. The teacher steps in front of her with a raised eyebrow.

"Excuse me," the woman says, ushering the last few kids through. Kate can't even see Alexis now. "Who are you?"

"I'm—" Kate begins.

"She's my stepmother," Alexis says, appearing behind the teacher. "And a Detective. My dad, um, demanded she come with me. The principal okayed it."

Kate stares at Alexis, trying to decide which is the bigger lie—that she's actually the kid's stepmother, or that Castle called the principal.

That Castle called the principal, clearly—why bother calling when you can just show up?

"Alexis," the teacher says, smiling at her. "Oh," she adds, glancing at Kate, understanding dawning in her eyes. "Of course, dear. Of course. You can have a seat in the back, Mrs. Castle."

Kate grimaces at the name as the woman turns away. Alexis smirks at Kate, then adopts a concerned, almost wounded look as she thanks her teacher. There is more Castle in this girl than Kate previously thought. Actually, maybe there's more Martha in her than she realized.

Kate takes a seat in the back row of the orchestra, watching as Alexis hurries down to join Paige at the front of the audience. She glances back at Kate and smiles. Kate nods at her and pulls out her book, feigning interest in it as she listens to the teacher explain the test.

Two hours, five essay prompts, and fifty multiple choice questions. Oh, and the short response section, can't forget that.

Kate shakes her head. It's no wonder Alexis was studying every moment of the day for this. It sounds awful. Alexis is generally so put together, helping Lanie at the morgue, taking care of her father in equal measure to his taking care of her, having a social life. Hell, she kept a boyfriend while she was in high school.

Kate's pretty sure high school wasn't this intense when she went through it. She couldn't have gotten into Stanford this year. Alexis got into all of her schools.

Kate smiles at the thought, oddly proud. She was happy when Castle told her initially. Now she's really proud of the kid. She feels—well, she supposes she wouldn't know, but maybe she has an inkling of what it must be like to be Castle—how it must feel to know he had a hand in raising the amazing teenager that is his daughter.

"Mrs. Castle?"

Kate startles and finds the teacher looming over her. "Oh, hello," she whispers.

"Can I speak with you in the hall?"

Kate glances toward Alexis, but the teen is bent over her test, her hand flying a mile a minute. She should be fine, if just for a moment.

Kate nods and follows the teacher out of her row, surprised when the woman detours around one of the side aisles, leading her to a side door with a window…where Alexis can see them. She likes this woman.

"So," the teacher says as she shuts the door. "I'm sorry, I'm Ms. Henley."

"Kate Beckett," Kate replies automatically, wincing as Ms. Henley raises an eyebrow. "Castle. It's new."

The woman nods. "I—well, I didn't know you and Richard were involved, but I remember your face. You were on the news, abducted with her."

Kate nods and glances automatically into the auditorium, needing the confirmation herself. "I was, yes."

"We were all," Ms. Henley begins, watching as Kate turns back to meet her eyes. "I'm very glad she's okay."

Kate smiles tightly. "Me too."

She notices the way the woman's eyes trail over her cheek. "I told Alexis she could skip this," Ms. Henley says. It's the first Kate's heard of it. "But she insisted on taking it."

Kate smiles and raises a shoulder. "Normalcy, you know?"

Ms. Henley nods slowly. "Of course. I just—I don't know how receptive she'd be, but if she needs any help with her speech, I'm available."

"Oh," Kate lets out. "That's very kind of you. I'll tell her."

"Thank you," the woman says, looking perhaps a bit more comfortable. "How is Richard? I—he's a sweet man. I imagine this must have been very difficult for him."

Kate nods. "It was. But he's doing well. We all are. It's—it's a struggle, but we'll get through it."

"I'm glad she has you. I heard—well, I read what you did, how badly injured you were."

"You did?" Kate lets out. She really should have asked Castle what had been in the news. She just let it wash over her, pretends now that no one knows. But of course there was coverage.

"I don't know that I could have done what you did," the woman admits. "They said Alexis—well, no, I'm sorry. I shouldn't."

Kate shakes her head. "It's fine. And you'll do more than you think you can when someone you care about is in danger."

Ms. Henley nods. "But she's doing well? Really?"

"She's getting there," Kate says, looking back and finding Alexis staring at her. She smiles at the teen, watches some tension drain from her thin shoulders. "She'll be fine."

"Well, I'm glad," the woman says. "I should probably—" she points into the auditorium.

"Of course. Nice to meet you," Kate says.

"You as well. And congratulations. You'll pass that along to Richard as well?"

"I will," Kate says with a smile.

She most certainly won't, but it's a nice sentiment. Somehow, she feels like telling him Alexis' history teacher offers her best on their imaginary wedding would just…fall flat.

Or he'd drop to one knee immediately.

(…)

Kate stands at the back entrance as the students exhaustedly file out of the auditorium, each one looking more drained and exulted than the last. They're all so excited, but too tired to show it.

Alexis walks out at the back of the group. Paige has her hand around the girl's arm like a vice, firing questions at her. Alexis' eyes light up as she spots Kate, pleading silently with her.

"How'd it go?" Kate asks when Paige takes a breath, halfway through—'and just what happened to you there? They said there was a basement?'

"It was long," Alexis says, smiling faintly as Paige nods. "I'm tired."

"Me too," Kate agrees. "In fact, I think I need a nap. Paige, would you mind if I stole Alexis? I'm still kind of unsteady on my feet, and I need to get back before I collapse."

Paige's eyes go wide and she nods, pushing Alexis toward Kate. "But call me," Paige instructs, giving Alexis a hard look.

"I will," Alexis promises. "I'm sorry."

"No no," Paige says quickly. "Just…call, okay? I've been worried."

"I know. I'll talk to you soon."

"Okay," Paige agrees. "Nice to meet you, Detective."

"You too," Kate says with a yawn.

Paige waves a bit then hurries down another hall. Alexis quickly wraps her arm around Kate's waist and walks them back toward the entrance, head down.

"You okay?"

"Yeah," Alexis mumbles as Kate slings her arm over the kid's shoulders. Some of her classmates have lingered, standing in the hallway to stare as they walk past. "Just…need some air."

Alexis relaxes as they hit the street, her face losing its careful mask of ease. She looks tired and pale and anxious. Kate had thought maybe they should go out to lunch, but one look at the teen proves that Alexis needs somewhere quiet—somewhere where no one will ask about the abduction.

"Hey," Kate says softly as they approach Castle's car. "I need some more clothes. Do you mind stopping back at my place on the way home?"

Alexis meets her eyes briefly and offers her a tight smile. "Sure."

Kate nods and gives her a squeeze before disengaging and jogging around to the driver's side as Alexis gets in. She considers the teenager as they buckle in, watches the way Alexis is practically collapsing into herself.

Kate tugs her phone out of her pocket and tosses it onto Alexis' lap. "Order food to meet us there. I've got a Grubhub account programmed in."

Alexis nods and begins looking through the options as Kate pulls out into traffic. It's a quiet drive. Kate opens her mouth a few times, but each glance at Alexis proves that it's best to sit with silence. She needs to decompress, and as much as Kate loves Castle, he'll want to cheer her up. Kate figures what the kid needs is just a few hours of true quiet, a change of scenery, and some good food.

She parks Castle's car in the space where she used to keep her bike. It's up at her father's cabin right now. She was supposed to go up with him for Memorial Day, grab it and ride it back. Maybe Alexis and Castle would enjoy—oh, no, they wouldn't.

There's no way she's taking Alexis Castle to a cabin in the middle of the woods. Not for a good long time. If ever.

"Come on," she says quietly, guiding Alexis out of the car and into the garage elevator. "What did you pick?" she asks, gesturing to her phone, still held limply in Alexis' hand.

"Chinese," Alexis replies, leaning against her. "I'm tired."

"Yeah," Kate agrees as the elevator doors open and they traipse down the hall to her apartment. "You can nap if you want."

"You don't mind?"

"Not at all," Kate assures her as she opens the door, letting Alexis step in ahead of her.

Alexis stands still in her entryway, staring around as Kate drops her keys on the side table by the door and wanders into the kitchen. She's surprised it doesn't smell. She spots a post-it on the counter—a smiley face and Lanie's name. Lanie must have taken out her trash, and tidied, Kate realizes as she does a sweep of the place with her eyes.

It didn't look this nice the last time she was here. Lanie straightened up her living room, cleaned her kitchen and maybe even dusted. Well, that or Castle had someone come to clean.

Kate shakes her head and walks over, gently taking her phone from Alexis to send Lanie a quick message. When she finishes, Alexis is still standing there, just looking.

There's a knock at the door and they both startle. Kate squeezes Alexis' arm and gets their food. When she comes back to the kitchen, Alexis has wandered into the living room, her hands hanging at her sides.

"Lunch," Kate calls out.

Alexis jerks and looks over at her. "Um," she starts.

Kate shakes her head. "Food helps." She brings the bag over and plops it onto her coffee table, deciding that what they need is to eat straight from the carton. She sits down on the floor and beckons for Alexis to join her.

She passes the teen her carton of shrimp fried rice and opens the egg rolls. Alexis sits slowly, her fingers fumbling with the carton. But finally, she manages, and Kate eats silently, waiting until the girl regains some color, her posture improving with the protein.

"I bottomed out," Alexis admits.

"You got overwhelmed," Kate corrects gently. "It happens."

"It was just school," Alexis argues around a full mouth.

Kate fights against a smile, the indignation on the teen's face so like her father's familiar expression. "School, with people staring at you and asking questions."

"Paige is always chatty," Alexis mumbles.

"How do you think you did on the test?" Kate deflects.

"Good." Alexis half smiles. "It was easy."

"That's great," Kate enthuses. "See? Same you."

Alexis rolls her eyes and bites into an egg roll. "Hardly."

"So you jump a little more, and being around people is exhausting. That'll pass. You made it through the test. You're—hey wait a sec," Kate says, jumping up to scurry into her kitchen.

She really should have gotten them ice cream or something. Castle would have.

Oh, crap, she needs to call Castle.

She pulls out her phone, waving Alexis away as the girl goes to rise. "Be right back," Kate promises, holding the phone up to her ear.

"Kate?"

"Hey, Castle," Kate says quickly, watching as Alexis' eyes go wide.

Yeah, they kind of blew it.

"Where are you guys? The test was finished over an hour ago."

"I'm sorry," Kate interjects. "We went back to my apartment. I need some more clothes, and Alexis was in a post-test coma, so I ordered food. I meant to text you."

"Jeez," he grunts on the other end. "I was halfway to—okay. Yeah. When do you think you'll be back?"

"I'm sorry," she repeats, feeling terrible.

It didn't even occur to her. So normal, to go back to her place—she forgot for just a moment that everything had changed.

"I way overreacted," he huffs.

"How bad?" she asks as she opens her fridge, smiling as she spots a bottle of sparkling cider, left over from Easter with her father.

"Um, I should call Javi back."

"Shit," Kate mumbles. "Rick, I'm—"

"It's fine," he says, his voice still tight. "I'll wait a little longer next time."

"I'll text you," she promises.

"Okay. Call when you're on your way back. Dinner?"

"Let's have brinner," she suggests, smiling when he laughs.

"You're a good girlfriend. Okay, I should—I should call Javi before he comes banging down the door."

He clicks off before she can process _girlfriend_, leaving her standing in her kitchen, a bottle of sparkling cider in one hand, her phone in the other as Alexis just stares at her.

"Oops?" Alexis offers.

"Yeah," Kate agrees, shuffling back into the living room as she works the top off the bottle. She slumps down next to Alexis and passes her the cider. "Happy end of high school."

Alexis laughs loudly and takes the bottle. "Getting me drunk?"

"Hey," Kate protests, giggling. Alexis takes a hefty swig. The girl frowns as she swallows. "No alcohol until you graduate."

Alexis smirks and passes the bottle back, watching as Kate takes her own sip. "If you were a good stepmom, you'd buy me booze."

"You can have a stepmom, or a disgraced cop, not both," Kate says sardonically, letting her head fall back to the couch.

"Dad okay?"

Kate nods and places the bottle between them, rolling her neck to look at Alexis. "We freaked him out."

"I didn't think," Alexis says softly.

"No, my fault. I didn't take you straight home."

"We're at your apartment," Alexis protests. "It's not like you took me to Paris."

That jogs something in her memory. That's actually happened to Alexis. Her mother picked her up from school and took her to Paris for lunch. And didn't tell Castle.

In comparison, this isn't that bad.

"I like your place," Alexis says as Kate searches for something to say.

"Thanks."

"It suits you," she continues.

"Your dad said the same," Kate agrees. "It's nice. I—sometimes I think I liked my old place more. I didn't get much time here before…"

"I get it," Alexis says, reaching out to take another egg roll. "Do you get lonely, living alone?"

Kate nods and takes a swig of the cider. "But, I never made much of an effort not to be lonely, to be fair. Living alone can be nice."

"Dad keeps offering to pay for a single dorm room," Alexis says with a shrug. "I don't know though. I thought I definitely wanted a roommate, but now," she stares down at her lap.

"It's still over three months away, you know," Kate says, reaching out to nudge the kid's knee, bringing her gaze back up. "You're going to get more comfortable."

"Having Paige touch me—I—I've know her since preschool. And it just felt—"

"Wrong?"

"Yeah," Alexis says, scooting closer to lean her head against Kate's shoulder. "We used to lie around in her bed together and watch cartoons. And now just having her hugging me…I don't know."

"Three weeks is a long time, Alexis," she admits. She's spent their recovery telling herself the opposite, trying to convince herself that things shouldn't be as foreign as they are, but she knows it's not true.

"It was a really long time, wasn't it?" Alexis asks, meeting her eyes. "We were down there alone for a long time."

"We were," Kate agrees. "And it's not—well, for me it's not about being upset by being touched it's just…foreign. It still feels a little foreign."

"Yes," Alexis says quickly, her face lighting up. "Exactly. And dad—it's different, but even sometimes with him, or Gram, I just don't…expect it."

Kate smiles and wraps her arm around Alexis' shoulder, that contact known and comforting. "It'll pass," she promises.

"Did—after your shooting, was it like this?" Alexis as softly, snuggling into Kate's side.

"It shouldn't have been," Kate admits. "I—it was strange, coming back from my dad's cabin. I was alone there for almost a month after my dad went back to work. I didn't have to be."

"Was—did Lanie…" Alexis trails off.

"Punch me?" Alexis laughs at that. "She wanted to. It took us a few weeks to be hugging again anyway," she tells the girl. "But yeah, I—it was weird, and uncomfortable, and I felt silly for being jumpy at someone's touch. But it went away, I promise you that."

"Good," Alexis says quietly. "How long?"

Kate sighs and rubs Alexis' arm. "A while. Take it slow. Get a coffee or something on a day when you're feeling good."

"I'm going to have to hug people and take pictures at graduation," Alexis says slowly. "By then?"

"I don't know, kid," Kate admits. "Everyone's different. If it's hard, your dad will be there."

"And you, right?" Alexis says immediately, pulling back to look at her. "You're coming, aren't you?"

Kate smiles. She didn't want to assume. "Of course. Save me a seat, I'll be there," she promises.

Alexis nods and yawns. Kate stands up, offering her hands to the teen. "Take a catnap while I pack, okay? Then we'll go."

Alexis shakes her head and starts gathering the Chinese. "Fridge or home?" she asks.

Kate stares at the food then glances around. She doesn't quite know when she'll be back. And while it's clean, and welcoming, and nice to see, she's not quite sure she's eager to come back either.

"Bring 'em with. I'm sure your dad will be hungry."

"Okay," Alexis says, smiling brightly.

Kate watches her for a moment before heading for her room. She sighs as she walks in, noting the fine coating of dust on her dresser, her bedspread. Someone made her bed, at least. That was kind.

She ducks into her closet and pulls out her carry-on, shoving pairs of pants and simple blouses in without much thought. She grabs a few pairs of lower heels. She should practice walking in them if she wants to get back to them at the precinct. Then again, the height difference puts Castle at the perfect level for…just about everything.

She shakes her head, laughing at herself, and grabs a few of the toiletries Lanie forgot—lotions and her favorite eyeliner in particular. She walks over to her armoire and considers the top drawer. She pulls it open and stares down at her admittedly luxurious array of lingerie.

She runs her fingertips over the white lace teddy she bought with Lanie a few months ago. She has one in lavender as well. All of her good underwear, her fancy bras, her favorites, are here. Should she bring them back? Will she wear them?

She bends closer and the scar along her side pulls, setting off a seeming chain reaction all across her back.

She sighs and stands up straight. There's no point. But she'll bring the lavender one, and a few of the nicer thongs. She may as well feel like there's something worth seeing on her body.

Even if she can't let Castle touch her.

She slams the drawer shut and tosses the lingerie into her bag before falling to sit on the edge of her bed, an arm wrapped across her abdomen. She wants—she wants herself back. She hears the creak of the floorboards out in the living room.

She wants normal back, for both of them.

The only way they'll get there is time. She's so sick of waiting.

She roughly zips the bag closed and hoists it off the bed, rolling it out into the living room. She looks around, but Alexis isn't there. She hears the floor shift again and walks into her office.

Alexis stands in front of her window, staring up at her murder board. Kate takes a deep breath. She hadn't even considered…

"You were nineteen?"

Kate steps up and stands at Alexis' shoulder. She looks down at the girl, watches the way her eyes track over the pictures, the note cards.

"Yeah," Kate manages.

"And, your dad? Did he," Alexis pauses and glances at Kate. "Did anyone take care of you?"

Kate shakes her head. "He did, in the beginning. By the time it wasn't numb anymore, he was…gone. But I managed."

Alexis turns and throws her arms around Kate's torso, her face pressing into her collarbone. Kate wraps her arms around the teen, stroking her hand down her braid. She turns her cheek and looks at the picture of her mother, bloodied and lifeless in the alley.

"I'm sorry," Alexis whispers.

Kate turns away from the picture and kisses the crown of Alexis' head. "Thank you."


	15. Chapter 15

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 15:**

She's awakened early the next morning, a low-pitched noise persistent next to her ear. She rolls over and squints in the golden light, finding Castle's face close by, his brow winkled, eyes screwed tight. He groans, an indistinct, pained mumble.

Kate reaches up and strokes his cheek. "Castle," she whispers.

He moans, then flings his arm across her body, pulling her in tight, his lips coming to rest at her forehead. "Wake up. Please, baby, wake up," he mumbles against his skin.

"Castle," she repeats, louder, carding her hand through his hair as best she can. "Wake up."

"Alexis," he whimpers.

"Rick," she half-shouts, her chest clenching at the sight of tears leaking from beneath his eyelids. "Rick."

His eyes fly open, wild and wide. His grip on her body tightens as he susses out where he is. She strokes his ear, humming softly as he comes back to himself.

"Hey," she whispers as he shifts, loosening his hold and scooting a little further away. She holds his arm in place, curls her fingers against his ear. "You're awake, Castle. Alexis is fine."

He nods slowly, sucking in air as his heart rate comes back, as the tension in his body hesitantly dissipates.

"What happened?" she asks.

He closes his eyes and blows out a breath. "I don't—"

"Talking helps, Castle. Exorcize it while you can, before it festers."

He opens his eyes and meets hers. "We got there, but you were already gone. Tyson was strangling—Espo shot him, but Alexis was…she," he pauses and swallows hard.

"She's upstairs," Kate promises. "I don't know if I can carry her down, but we can go see."

He huffs. "It's barely morning. She's sleeping."

Kate raises an eyebrow. "And that's stopped you before?"

He pulls her closer and buries his face in the mess of her hair, his hand curled around her incision site. "You're alive, so she's alive. I'm okay."

Kate nods and trails her fingers down onto his shoulder, rubbing up and down. She smiles softly as his body relaxes.

"Did you sleep?" he whispers.

"Yeah." She can feel him smiling. "My dreams were good."

"Tell me?" he asks, timid.

She nods, tugging on him until she can lay on her back, his body sprawled half over hers. She likes the weight of him, guides his head to rest against her shoulder. He presses his cheek into her skin where his big tee shirt has slipped down her arm.

"I was on the beach with Alexis, out in the sun, tanning. She was reading for Columbia. I think it was next summer," she admits, glad he can't see the blush his responding grin causes. She sees them that far out. "You were cooling off in the water."

"I didn't drag you in with me?" he wonders.

"You tried, but I was comfy. Alexis managed after a while. She got bored and nearly hauled me out to join you."

"Won't go for me, but you'll go for my kid," he grumbles.

She laughs. "She promised we'd team up on you."

"Of course."

"It was nice," she admits. "Being away from everything. It felt safe."

He breathes out, his breath hot across her collarbone as his arm tightens around her. "Are you scared?" he whispers.

"Of what?" she wonders. So many things.

"Everything," he replies, stroking his fingers along the line of her incision scar beneath the tee shirt.

She sighs, cupping the back of his head with her palm. "Sometimes."

"I don't think I can lose you again," he says, his voice low. "And I look at Alexis, and it's just this stream of all the terrible things—all the ways she can disappear. And you guys are fine, I know that. I just…" he trails off.

If it didn't hurt so much, she'd rejoice at how open he sounds, how trusting. But it hurts. It twists at her heart and lumps in her throat to hear him so unsure, so fragile about the world, about their life.

"I wake up and for a split second every morning, I'm sure I'm going to be in Alexis' bed with Ryan and Espo downstairs waiting to tell me you're dead."

"We're here," Kate offers, feeling lacking.

The only thing that will heal this is time.

And some days, she's not so sure it will. They told her time would heal her mother's death—would dull the stab down to a sting, then to a pinch, and then to nothing. Sometimes, even now, the pain still flares at a roar, nearly twelve years behind her not enough. She's never wanted it to fade to nothing, never wanted to forget the pain of loss, because it matters.

But this—this fear he has, Alexis has, she has. This she wants to fade to nothing.

"I didn't think about this part," he says.

"What part?"

"The part where you come back and everything is normal again. Last summer I—" he breaks off and she sighs.

"I'm sorry, Castle."

"No," he says quickly, rising up to meet her gaze. "No, I just meant—I didn't see the aftermath of that, so I didn't have to—by the time you got back, life had gone on. But this, the immediate, it's…harder than I thought."

"Yeah," she agrees, stroking his cheek. "It takes time for the world to right itself."

"I know how to worry about you," he says, and she blinks, surprised. He chuckles lightly. "I mean, I—you do dangerous shit for a living, Beckett."

She laughs at that. "You do it with me."

"Yeah, but at least four out of five times you're the one in more danger."

"False statistic," she breathes out.

He shrugs and smiles at her. "But you get what I mean. I—I know how to feel about that, how to deal. Well, kind of."

"A lot of coffee and Nikki Heat?"

He nods and his eyes dim. "But Alexis—I always worry, but she leaves the house now and I feel like there's this huge chance that she won't come back."

"She will, Castle."

"I know that," he tells her, looking defeated. "I know that, and it still…"

"Yeah," she agrees, tugging him back down with her, the two of them curled together. "It still."

He sighs and kisses her, his lips gentle, body soft. When he pulls back, he kisses her nose. "Sleep?"

She nods and lets him rearrange them, allows him to turn her and pull her back against his chest. She listens as he slowly drifts off, feels each breath he takes come deeper and slower than the last.

She doesn't sleep.

(…)

Kate fidgets in her chair, trying to find the right words. This is her therapist. She can talk about this. She can. It's just…so…awkward.

"When Tyson," she begins, looking down at the floor. She can do this. "When Tyson tried to rape me," falls free and she shudders at the thought.

"If you're not ready, Kate—" Burke begins, but she shakes her head.

"I'm never going to be ready for this," she admits, meeting his eyes. "But I need to work through it."

He nods, looking almost proud of her. It's a validation she didn't know she wanted.

"He groped me," Kate spits out. "Not—well, no, he…I don't know what the right term is. I was on my back, and I can still feel the floor digging into the cuts below my shoulders. He touched everywhere, made sure there wasn't a part of my chest he hadn't covered. And the whole time, he leered. He did it twice, the day before we escaped, as a promise for the next. And the day I killed him," she pauses.

She killed him. He doesn't have power over her anymore.

"The day I killed him, he took his time, worked himself up touching me before he went for his fly. And I had to let him, so he wouldn't suspect me."

"He violated you," Burke says gently.

"Yeah, he did," Kate agrees, glancing at him. "But he didn't rape me. I made sure of that."

"Does it help? Knowing you escaped that?"

She shrugs. "I thought it would. But, um," she sighs and runs her hand through her hair. It's tousled already, this session proving harder than the last few. "God, you know, I spent a year complaining about Castle to you. It feels weird to talk about this."

Burke chuckles softly and she looks over, surprised. "I want you to take a moment and just be proud that you've gotten here, Kate." She stares at him. "At this point three months ago, you thought you'd never be here."

Kate nods slowly. It doesn't feel quite like a victory. "Yeah."

Burke considers her. "What seems to be the problem?"

Kate chuckles at the phrasing, noting the way he looks pleased with her reaction. He's trying to make her comfortable. "I've been staying with Castle." He nods. "Sharing a bed," she spits out. Burke looks unfazed. "And we—for the first week or so, I wasn't capable of much but lying down. We kissed but I couldn't have done more if I'd wanted to."

"And now?"

"On Wednesday, we were talking and we started, um," she waves her hand and groans. "He started to feel me up and I had a flashback."

"To Tyson," Burke surmises.

Kate nods. "I had a full on panic attack, vomited. It was…awful. And Castle was," she stops and blows out a breath, smiling faintly. "Castle was amazing about it. But I—I don't want to have that—this thing we're finally ready to do—I don't want that to be a trigger. I don't want to see Tyson when Castle's touching me, but I don't know how to stop it."

She looks up and meets Dr. Burke's eyes, feeling accomplished and defeated at once. She knows from experience just explaining the problem can go a long way. But she doesn't want the long way round. She wants a shortcut, and she knows there isn't one.

"Do you experience flashbacks whenever he touches you?"

"No," Kate says quickly. "And he's touched my chest, my stomach before too. That's why it's so—It's just sexual. I don't mind him touching me when we're lying down, he puts the cream on my scars every day. He touches me all the time. He's…he touches things," she completes, huffing a laugh.

"That's a good thing," Burke assures her, smiling when she looks at him in confusion. "There are many people who cannot stand any touch after an assault like the one you experienced—after assaults with far less damage than you experienced. It's very positive that you can appreciate his touch and his attention. You are further along than you easily could be."

"But I want…" she lets out. "I—it's not even that my sex drive is diminished. I'm—I want to have sex with him. I just…I don't want to try and have to stop. The look on his face when I explained I—"

She looks down at her hands.

"Do you think he would hold it against you?"

"No." The response comes immediately.

"Do you think he wouldn't be willing to try and stop over and over until you were comfortable?"

"No," Kate replies, softer.

"Do you feel like he's pressuring you to work through this?"

"Not at all," she says, sighing when he nods at her. "I have to let go of his expectations and focus just on mine?"

He smiles sadly at her. "It sounds like he doesn't have expectations. I think you need to believe that before anything else."

"I do," she exclaims. "I believe him. I just…I made him wait so long."

"I don't think he's waiting anymore, Kate. Sexual intimacy or not, it sounds like you are completely committed to your relationship with him."

"I am," Kate agrees.

He nods. "I think then what you need to work on is just relaxing. The next time the two of you try—whatever and however much that means—I think you need to remember that he loves you. If you need to stop, stop."

"And that's all I can do? Just…wait until it doesn't make me panic anymore?"

Burke considers her for a moment. "I know this conversation is making you uncomfortable. So, stop me if this becomes too much or too personal, all right?"

She nods hesitantly.

"If you think a trigger of your sexual PTSD—"

She grimaces at that. That just…sucks. Special PTSD? On top of her normal PTSD?

"If you think that trigger is his touching your breasts, or your stomach—any contact that reminds you of your assault—you might consider avoiding that contact."

"Yeah," Kate agrees, feeling hollow.

"But," Burke says, bringing her attention back. "You could try engaging in sexual activities that don't involve your upper body."

Kate stares at him. Ah. Yes. This is uncomfortable.

"Foreplay doesn't have to involve your chest," he says calmly. "Or only you touch your chest and upper body the first time. You might find that with some experimentation you can work around the more problematic sexual experiences and still find sexual fulfillment."

She just stares at him. A small part of her mind starts laughing, considering the idea of just walking up to Castle and saying, 'my therapist thinks you should eat me out instead of feeling me up.'

He'd probably be game for it too.

She shifts, that realization washing over her. Castle would be game for this. Castle would probably make a game of this—101 ways to arouse Kate Beckett without touching her chest.

Burke smiles at her. "Talk it over with Mr. Castle. I think you'll find a way to work past it together."

She blushes and nods.

"And with that, I think we should end our session for today."

Oh, God. Alexis is out there with Castle.

"Kate." She meets Burke's eyes. "Relax. You'll get through this, and you might be able to have fun doing so."

She nods and rises quickly. "Thanks. I'll, um, see you Monday."

"Have a good weekend," Burke says, letting her see herself out.

She steps into the waiting room and closes the door behind her. She sighs and holds a hand to her cheek. Her face is hot.

"You okay?" Castle asks.

She startles, stepping away from the door to find both Castle and Alexis standing, ready to leave. Alexis regards her strangely. She must look like her therapist just gave her the sex talk.

Her therapist just told her how to fix her sex life.

So not what she expected when she started seeing Burke.

"M'fine," she manages, walking toward the door. "Lunch?"

Alexis and Castle nod, glancing at each other before following her out of the office. She's jittery as they wait for the elevator, feeling awkward and wrong, excited and nervous all at once.

By the time they make it to the street, Castle's giving her quite a look. It takes her a minute to realize it's out of concern. He doesn't know just by looking at her. All he knows is that she's off.

"You okay?" he asks, walking close as Alexis meanders slowly in front of them.

"I'm fine," Kate says, meeting his eyes and smiling despite the strange cacophony of butterflies in her stomach. "Really."

"Okay," he says, seemingly unsure if he believes her.

She reaches out and takes his hand, ignoring the spark that shoots up her arm, clenches in her abdomen. He smiles and kisses the back of her palm before engaging Alexis in conversation, giving Kate space.

His fingers are strong between hers, his steps in time with her own. They can make this work. She's glad now that she brought that lingerie back from her place.

"I was thinking, maybe tonight would be a good night to have the boys over?" Castle suggests.

Kate blinks. They're sitting in the diner, Alexis across from them in the cracking red booth. She just completely zoned out.

"That sounds good," she finds herself saying.

What? Oh, wait.

"Can Lanie come too?" Alexis asks.

"Um, I'll text her," Kate says automatically, reaching for her phone while Castle orders for all of them.

She types the message out mechanically, feeling out of her element. She'd been hoping…well, one more day of waiting won't kill them. Who knows how late everyone will stay anyway.

And really, does she want the rest of the afternoon to worry over whether or not she'll be able to sleep with Castle? Having the gang over would be a good distraction.

Lanie's reply is immediate: _Of course. Should we bring anything?_

"Do you want them to bring food?" Kate asks, looking to Castle as he turns back to them.

He scoffs. "They are our guests, Beckett. How gauche."

She manages a laugh and Alexis shakes her head at her father. "You're missing out," Kate says, writing back to Lanie to tell her to just bring herself and the boys, and Jenny if they can manage it. "Lanie makes a kickass rum pudding."

"Oh, well, I mean, if she wants…" Castle mumbles.

"Too late," Kate says, smirking as he pouts.

Alexis rolls her eyes. "Dad, you ordered milkshakes and sundaes. I think your sweet tooth will survive."

"Sundaes too? Castle, I'm not even going to fit into my blazers as it is."

He scoffs and reaches out, squeezing her thigh. "You have at least five more pounds to gain before you're at your skinniest."

She sighs and looks over at Alexis. "How does he know these things?"

Alexis shrugs. "He has an eye for it. Or did you forget about the dress he got you when he started following you."

"No," she says, glancing over at Castle, who's sitting there grinning, chest all puffed up. "I had been hoping it was a lucky guess."

"That thing was skin-tight, Beckett," he argues. "And you haven't gained a pound since. And I can tell you now, it would fall off if you tried to wear it."

She crosses her arms over her chest, disgruntled and a bit self conscious all of a sudden. She's thin, she knows. And yes, her ribs are still visible, and her bras are a bit loose, not that she can wear them tight, but—

"Hey."

She turns and finds him close. She spots Alexis heading for the bathroom and sighs.

"Sorry," she mumbles, feeling silly.

"No, I'm sorry," he argues. "I didn't mean—you're gorgeous, Kate. All I meant was that you need to keep eating."

She nods and uncrosses her arms. His hand squeezes her thigh and she shifts, surprised. He leans in and kisses her, only pulling away when her breathing speeds up.

"You still don't need the implants," he mumbles, squeezing her thigh one more time before pulling back just as his daughter slips back into the booth.

She eyes Kate, who must look like a tomato. Kate shrugs and eagerly tucks into her milkshake as the waitress delivers them. Castle's still smiling next to her.

(…)

"You okay?" Alexis asks, passing Kate with a bowl of potatoes.

Kate startles and resumes massaging the kale. She's such a space cadet today, her mind swirling around sex, and Castle, and the precinct, and going back to work, and her apartment.

"Yeah," Kate offers, giving the kale a particularly aggressive twist.

"You sure?" Alexis prods, walking over to pour some olive oil into the pan and heat it as Kate finishes up.

"Yeah," Kate says with a sigh. "Just…thinking. Sorry."

Alexis nods and glances toward the office, where Castle disappeared a few minutes ago with an idea he just _had_ to get down.

"Do you not want to have people over?" Alexis asks quietly.

"Oh, no. No," Kate says, dumping the kale into the pan and then reaching out to squeeze Alexis' shoulder. "I'm sorry I've been a bit out of it today."

"It's fine," Alexis says with a shrug.

"Therapy was…rough," Kate admits, smiling when Alexis seems to relax. "You okay?"

Alexis nods and gives her a brief look. "Therapy was rough."

Kate wraps her arm around the girl's shoulders, watching as she expertly sautés the kale, tossing in garlic and a little bit of onion for a finish. There's a knock at the door and they both momentarily tense.

"Maybe tomorrow we just go for a walk?" Kate whispers.

Alexis laughs softly and nods before pushing her gently toward the door. Kate goes, forcing herself to relax. This is just a simple dinner with their friends. She can do this.

When she opens the door she's met with four pairs of expectant eyes. She notes quickly that Lanie and Javi are standing together next to Ryan and Jenny, and determines that it's her turn tonight to interrogate. Because the last time she heard about it, Lanie and Javi were nothing more than friends, if not occasional fuck buddies.

"Hi," she greets, stepping back and ushering them in to their chorus of hellos.

The guys and Lanie move toward the kitchen but Jenny hangs back. Kate hears Lanie greeting Alexis, watches as she pulls the kid into a hug. Alexis only stiffens for a second.

"I just wanted to say I'm so glad you're okay," Jenny says as Kate turns back to her. "I—I was so worried, but Kevin—I can't imagine what would have happened if you hadn't escaped."

Kate smiles softly. "Thank you."

"And he—he's told me, about what you did for Alexis. And I just—" Jenny hesitates for a moment before reaching out to pull Kate into a hug.

Surprised, but touched, Kate hugs her back. After a long moment, Jenny pulls away and smiles at her, her eyes a little watery.

"If there's anything I can do," Jenny adds.

"Thank you, Jenny. That's so sweet of you. But we're okay," Kate begins.

"Yo, Beckett. Where's Castle?"

She gives Jenny an apologetic look then leads her back into the kitchen. "He's not out here?"

"He told me five more minutes," Alexis says, shaking her head as she brings the kale to the table. "Maybe you can?"

Kate nods and excuses herself from Jenny, walking across the living room and into the office. She expects to find Castle typing away furiously, but instead, he's just sitting there, his hands still, staring at the screen.

She shuts the door and walks over to his desk when he doesn't seem to notice her arrival. She gently places a hand on his shoulder and he startles. He looks up at her.

"Sorry," he says immediately.

"You okay?" she wonders, glancing at the screen. He's obviously written, but it looks like he got stuck halfway down the page, the cursing blinking behind the name 'Smith.'

"Yeah. Yeah," he mumbles. "People here?"

"Alexis came in a few minutes ago. Everyone's here, and dinner's ready," she says gently.

"Right," he says, staring back at the screen.

"Rick?"

That gets him. "Right!" he says loudly, saving before standing and turning to her. "Um."

"You got deep into it, huh?" she observes. She's never really seen him like this. He's written a bunch while she's been here, but not like this—not that dead-to-the-world immersion in his work.

"Yeah," he agrees with a slow smile. "Yeah, I did. Dinner?"

"Dinner," she says, taking his hand to drag him back out into the living room. It's only once they reach the table, and she notices everyone staring at their hands, that she realizes this is not a normal activity for them.

They seem to come to the same conclusion at the same moment, dropping each other's hands and quickly joining their friends at the table. Alexis has left them two seats at the end. Castle's socked foot bumps hers beneath the table and she hides a blush, blithely taking potatoes from a grinning Ryan as they pass food around.

There's a pregnant pause, all four of them staring at Kate and Castle like they're about to make a pronouncement.

Kate glances at Castle and sees the spark in his eye. Oh, they're not pronouncing anything. This is too good.

"So, Espo," Castle begins. "Any good cases?"

"Yeah, Ryan," Kate agrees. "Anything stumping you guys?"

"No," Esposito says coolly. "Nothing interesting."

"Not a thing," Ryan agrees. "What about the two of you? Anything interesting happening at _home_."

Kate narrows her eyes at him and then glances at Lanie who's just smirking. "Nothing," Kate tells Ryan. "Castle's been writing. I've been recovering. Alexis had a final yesterday."

Alexis glares at her as the table turns to look at her and Kate winces. That may have been cruel on her part.

"What subject?" Jenny asks, looking genuinely interested.

While Kate knows Espo and Ryan like Little Castle, she's sure they're just biding their time.

"History," Alexis says. "It wasn't bad."

"And that was your last one, right?" Jenny asks.

Kate has no idea how she even knows that, unless Lanie mentioned it to Espo, who mentioned it to Ryan. It softens her slightly, to think that the boys talk about Alexis with Lanie.

"It was, yeah," Alexis agrees. "Now I just have my speech and graduation, and then I'm done."

"That's exciting," Lanie tells her, looking proud. "Are you excited for the speech?"

Alexis nods and takes a bite of dinner, but Kate can see the tightness around her eyes. Jenny turns back to Castle.

"And you, Rick, are you excited?"

"I'm very proud," he says easily. "And very excited for her. I'm sad too, you know," he adds, smiling at Alexis as she looks over at him. "But she's staying in the city, so I can't be too sad."

Alexis shakes her head and takes a piece of chicken, rolling her eyes as Castle's grin widens.

"Far enough away to get into trouble though, right Alexis?" Esposito says.

Lanie whacks the back of his head and Alexis laughs while Castle glares at Esposito.

"You'll get into trouble if you're not careful," Lanie tells Esposito as he rubs at the back of his head.

"I'm just kidding. Your kid is more responsible than you," Esposito gruffs out.

"I'll drink to that," Kate agrees, laughing as Castle pouts at her. "What, like it's not true?"

Alexis blushes at the other end of the table.

"Yeah, yeah," Castle says before brightening. "At least she has all of you lovely cop people to watch out for her."

"Hear hear," Ryan says, winking at Alexis, who just blushes more, staring down at her plate.

"Jenny, any plans for summer?" Kate asks, smiling as Castle bumps her foot.

"There's a teachers conference up in Rochester that I'm going to in July, but other than that, just spending time with Kevin when he has it to spare."

"That sounds lovely," Kate says.

"Thanks," Jenny replies with a beaming smile. "We might go visit family over the fourth."

"We'll try and spring him for you," Kate promises, laughing as Ryan whips around to look at her, so much hope in his eyes. "I'm sure Espo wouldn't mind covering, would he?"

"Told you," Lanie ribs as Esposito flounders.

"Given how hard you worked during our…" Kate pauses, glancing at Alexis. "Given how hard you've worked these last few months, I'm sure Gates can spare both of you for a week in the middle of the summer."

"Got any plans yourself, Beckett?" Esposito asks, giving Castle a look.

"Why, Espo, you want to come along?" Kate gets in before Castle opens his

mouth.

"If it's to Writer Boy's beach house, yeah," Esposito says immediately, wincing as Lanie whacks him, again.

"Writer Man," Castle grumbles. "And you just see if I invite you."

"Do you guys usually go out to the beach?" Jenny asks.

It's so nice that they have this fresh, mostly-blank canvass in Jenny. Well, that, or Jenny is just beyond incredibly sweet, pretending to ask questions about things Ryan's already disclosed.

"Every year since Alexis was three," Castle says with a smile.

"Do you think you'll go this year?" Jenny wonders.

Alexis looks over at Castle and he meets her gaze. "We, ah, hadn't discussed it," he hedges. Kate watches as Alexis' shoulders rise, her body going slightly concave.

"It would be nice to get away from everything for a while," Kate puts in quickly.

Alexis meets her eyes, looking hopeful.

"You gonna join them, Beckett?" Ryan asks.

Kate looks over at him, willing to take it if it means Alexis will be comfortable. She feels Castle's hand slip down to rest on her thigh and she covers it with her own. His thumb strokes over her pinky.

"Maybe I will. I have a few vacation days," Kate says with a shrug. "Not a ton, but enough for a weekend."

"Well doesn't that sound romantic," Ryan says with a grin.

"Oh, shut up, Kevin," Jenny lets out, and the table sits stunned. "Don't be mean."

Ryan shrinks in his seat and Kate grins at Jenny before glancing at Castle. They haven't talked about this yet—about telling people and the precinct and fraternization.

"So, are you guys officially together?" Esposito pipes up.

"Javi!" Lanie exclaims.

"What? We should know their story before Beckett comes back," he protests. "What are you telling Gates?"

"Um," Castle manages.

Kate sighs and squeezes his hand. "I don't know what we're telling Gates," Kate admits. "I don't know that we should even bother telling Gates. She, ah, reminded me that the NYPD doesn't permit 'fraternization' between co-workers, regardless of volunteer status."

"She said that?" Castle lets out.

Kate nods and glances at him. "Forgot until now."

"When are you coming back, anyway?" Ryan asks.

Kate hesitates. She and Gates said they'd talk in a week. Is she ready to go back?

"I'm not sure," she decides, looking at Esposito and Ryan. "I'll come in and talk to her on Monday. Figure out the timeframe. I'm sure I'll have to requalify anyway. That'll take a day or two."

The nod, glancing at each other for a moment. She sees it before it comes, and braces herself.

"So…are you two officially together?" Ryan asks, looking gleeful. "Because," he glances at Lanie, and even she perks up. Damn.

"Alexis won the pool," Kate says quickly.

"Alexis is in on the pool?" Castle exclaims, dropping her hand to stare at his daughter. "You're in on it?"

"Wait a second," Lanie says, holding up her hand as she pulls out her phone. She searches for something, and Kate is going to have to kill her if she has that—damn it, she has the pool logged on her phone. "Alexis, you're down for a week ago yesterday."

"You guys were out of the hospital a week already," Esposito objects. "No way this didn't happen in the hospital."

She and Castle stare at him. Kate then looks to Alexis, who looks halfway between mortified and excited. It _is_ a lot of money, after all.

"What exactly was the bet?" Kate asks.

The three of them exchange looks, having some sort of silent argument. Jenny looks thoroughly confused. Castle leans over to Kate, his arm sliding around the back of her chair.

"Are you disturbed by this?" he whispers.

She nods. "But Alexis wins," she says, simply smiling when he looks at her in confusion. "Well?" she asks the squabbling detectives and M.E.

"Relationship," Lanie decides.

"When we entered a relationship?" Castle clarifies.

"Sex doesn't count," Esposito says.

Alexis nearly chokes on her sip of water.

"Honestly," Lanie scolds, looking apologetically to Little Castle.

"When I got my brace off," Kate says, turning to Castle. "Wouldn't you say?"

It's nearly the truth. They still haven't talked about labels and her apartment, and work, but that afternoon, they cleared the air. Everything before walked the line of friends and more, the two of them in love, but so focused on her healing physically that it didn't really matter.

"Yeah," he agrees softly. "I'd say so."

"A week ago yesterday," Alexis agrees with a grin.

Esposito groans and Ryan slumps in his seat while Lanie gives Alexis a proud look.

"How much did it get up to?" Castle wonders.

Kate bites her lips against a grin as Alexis beams over at him. "Over two thousand."

"You owe us dinner," Kate says quickly as Castle gapes like a fish.

"Done," Alexis says, laughing as Ryan and Esposito grumble together.

"Two—Kevin, you never said it was that much," Jenny lets out. "I would have bet!"

There's laughter all around as Ryan tries to stumble his way out of the dog house. Esposito sulks while Lanie fiddles with her phone, probably sending out some sort of email blast to—

"Wait," Kate says quickly. "Lanie, if you collect…how many people are in on this? Can it get back to Gates?"

"No way," Lanie says easily. "It's mostly just homicide at the 12th. None of them will sell Castle out, and I'll make sure Perlmutter doesn't flap his gums."

"Perlmutter bet?" Castle squeaks.

"Four hundred," Ryan says, shaking his head with Esposito. "He's gonna be pissed."

"Yeah," Castle agrees. "And I bet he'll take it out on me."

"Mhm," Lanie hums with a nod. "I'd let Kate go to the morgue alone when he's working your cases for a while."

"It's not like you two have been subtle," Esposito adds. "Half of them were coming up to me all year asking if there'd been a call."

"I bet that was rough for you, Espo," Kate says. Castle laughs, reaching out to take her hand, there in front of all of their friends.

"It was painful for all of us," Lanie says, looking at Alexis. "I don't know how you deal with it."

"They're pretty good now," Alexis says with a shrug, reaching out to take more kale.

"Mm, and how long is this arrangement for?" Espo asks. "The two of you shacking up here. You seem to be walking fine to me, Beckett."

Kate feels Castle's hand tighten around her own. They haven't discussed this either, and this is so not the forum to do so.

"It's further from the precinct," Ryan adds.

"Are you guys worried I'll cramp your Madden style?" Kate says, trying to look at least a little intimidating.

"She'd kick your asses," Castle tosses in, looking smug. "Beat me the other day."

"Yeah, well, beating you is no standard to go by," Esposito says.

Castle engages them then in a long discussion of the newest version of the game while Lanie and Jenny talk around their respective boys. Kate chimes in here and there, but Alexis has her attention, sitting quietly at the end of the table, pushing her food around on her plate.

By the time everyone leaves, the teen has gone silent, merely cleaning up and bidding soft goodbyes as they all troop out. Kate heads back toward the kitchen, gathering the last of the dishes from the table as Castle ducks into his room to hit the bathroom.

"So, you won the pool," Kate offers as she brings the dishes to the sink where Alexis is scraping off the excess food.

Alexis smiles tightly. "Yeah. Lanie says I can come in and get my winnings whenever I want. She'll keep them in the safe at the morgue."

"Shopping spree?" Kate asks, taking plates from her to load into the dishwasher.

"Maybe," Alexis hedges. "I'll have to think on it."

Kate nods and considers her as they quietly fill up the dishwasher. Before she can find the words, Castle reappears, rubbing his hands together.

"Movie?" he asks, looking jovial and rather relaxed. She's glad they did this, if just for the normalcy it seems to have given him.

"I think I'm gonna head up," Alexis says, giving him a surprisingly bright smile before yawning. "You guys have fun."

She squeezes Kate's hand and walks around to kiss her father's cheek before disappearing up the stairs. Kate closes the dishwasher and leans back against the counter, staring after her.

(…)

He looks to Kate as Alexis trudges up the stairs and the woman turns back to him, smiling softly.

"Hey," he offers.

She laughs. "Hey."

"Good night," he continues, trying to feel her out. She looks tired, wrung dry, and yet happier than she's seemed in a while.

She nods and arches up onto her toes to press her lips to his in reply. He wraps his hands around her impossibly thin waist and lets her rest against him as they pull apart, feeling the list of her body.

He chuckles and guides them over to the couch to plop down and drag her half into his lap, her legs swung over his, head settled in the crook of his shoulder, arm bent and resting against his chest.

"So, work," he hedges after a few quiet minutes. She doesn't seem disquieted, just…quiet, contemplative. The normalcy of seeing the guys, Lanie, Jenny—it was good for them, he thinks.

She hums. "Yeah."

"You feelin' ready to go back?" he wonders.

She is walking better, they're right. And she's been eating more—not enough, but more. She could at least walk a crime scene. He's not quite ready to think about her out there facing down bad guys.

In reality, he'd be pretty okay if she never did the dangerous stuff again.

She probably wouldn't be.

He can't just wrap Kate and Alexis up in bubble wrap? Protect them with padding and dinner and hugs? Nothing else really seems to work.

"Starting to," she says, her shoulder rising and falling against his side. "But I have to requalify."

He huffs at that. Like she won't. The kill shot to Tyson's thigh should prove well enough that she has a handle on her gun no matter the circumstance. Hell, she nearly had a dislocated pelvis and she made the shot.

"Do you want to," she starts, before clamping her mouth shut.

He snaps back to attention and studies her face. "Do I want to what?"

She shakes her head. "Nothing." He waits and she scrunches her nose. "I'm being silly."

He laughs at that, swooping down to kiss her nose just to see the surprise flare behind her eyes. He gets to be silly and affectionate if he wants, and he delights in her wide-eyed responses—delights in making her happy in those little ways.

"I love silly." She knocks her head into his shoulder and sighs. "Beckett."

"Do you want to come back, when I go back to work?"

He pauses, breathing, trying to find his way through the question. What a ridiculous—"Why are you even asking?" falls from his mouth before he can stop it.

She stiffens against him, moving to pull her legs away, but he grabs on, his broad palm settled over her calf. "Of course I'm coming back," he gets out, feeling how she relaxes, though she's keeping her head turned away.

"Good," she mumbles.

"Why…" he starts. She shakes her head. "Kate."

"I—I said it was silly, okay?"

He doesn't know what to do, what to say.

Why wouldn't he go back? What on earth would stop him from—oh. Oh, well. "Hey, you know I'm not—I was just all—um," he peters off. Yeah, smooth.

"I got it," Kate whispers. "Forget I asked."

"No," he lets out, surprising them both. "No, I—Kate, we both know I don't have to be there."

This time she does pull away, putting space between them, and he sighs.

"Not what I meant," he says, catching her eyes, which look bright. "I—to do research, Beckett. We both know I don't need to be there to do research. I've—I've done enough research—"

"To write a hundred books," she completes for him, her eyes hooded.

He nods slowly, that foot between them suddenly feeling so large, so important. "I want to be there."

She meets his eyes and nods. "I know."

"Do you?" he wonders.

They've spoken about this just the once. That conversation that apparently won his daughter two thousand dollars—he thought this was behind them.

Kate sighs and reaches out to squeeze his hand. "I do," she insists, mustering a smile. "I said it was silly, Castle. You had to push."

He huffs at her. "You're the one who says not to let it fester."

She rolls her eyes but lets him tug her in. "Shut up."

He laughs and reels her back to his chest, pulling her fully onto his lap to kiss her. He'll show her silly.

By the time he lets up, she's breathless. "Of course I'm coming back. Whenever you go, Beckett, I'll be right behind you."

She nods, her forehead pressed against his. "Good."

He smiles and relaxes as she cuddles into him, her breath hot against his neck.

At least he can still fix some things.

(…)

She reaches Alexis' door and knocks quietly. Alexis doesn't answer. Kate hopes maybe she was wrong, reading too much into Alexis' behavior. Dinner was loud, their friends can be overwhelming—maybe she really was just tired.

But the longer she and Castle cuddled—the more she thought about going back, Castle at her side, the more she realized that with Castle at the precinct, there would be no one home with Alexis.

She left Castle in the bed, writing. Said she wanted to say goodnight.

"Alexis?" calls says quietly, opening the door.

She's not asleep.

Alexis sits against her headboard, her legs drawn up, forehead resting on her crossed arms. Kate can see her shoulders shaking. She softly shuts the door and makes her way to the bed, sitting down at the girl's feet.

"Alexis," she prompts gently.

Alexis shudders and curls further inward. "M'fine," she mumbles.

Kate hums. "Alexis."

"I'm fine," she says more clearly, raising her head to glare at her. But her cheeks are streaked with tears and her eyes are red. She's been up here crying, and Kate was cuddling with Castle.

"Honey," she says gently, reaching out to curl her fingers around Alexis' hand. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Alexis spits, jerking away from Kate's hand. "I'm _fine_."

Kate stares at her, unsure of how to proceed. Alexis wipes at her eyes and avoids Kate's gaze, snuffling. She's wearing a pair of leggings and a large tee shirt that seems to swallow her bony figure whole. She looks so young.

Kate notices her yearbook sitting on the night table, a few wadded tissues scattered across the top. She's graduating in two weeks.

Everything's changing.

"You know—" Kate starts.

"Don't," Alexis says, going for biting, Kate's sure. It comes out more like a plea, and she notices the girl's chin quivering. "I'm fine, Kate. You can go to bed."

Like hell. "You don't even have a glass of water," she says, deciding that practical might win out here over any emotional angle.

Alexis rolls her eyes, but Kate doesn't take the hint. Instead, she stands and walks into the kid's bathroom.

It's a wreck.

Her make up is spread over the counter. There are dirty clothes tossed into the corner. The toothpaste sits uncapped, her toothbrush teetering precariously on the edge of the sink.

Kate sighs and fills up the glass of water. She slips the kid's toothbrush into the holder and caps the toothpaste. This doesn't look like how she imagines Alexis generally keeps her bathroom.

The bedroom isn't much better, she notes as she walks back into the room. There are clothes on the floor, books scattered everywhere. She hasn't spent much time with Alexis here, outside of the nightmares. They're usually downstairs together.

"Here," she says, extending the water. Alexis stares at it mutinously for a moment. "Trust me," Kate insists.

Alexis takes it, gulping down a few grudging sips. Kate hides a smile at the way her shoulders instantly release.

Kate sits back down, ignoring the look Alexis gives her. "Better?" she asks.

Alexis puts the water down and stares at her. "Yes," she admits.

"You wanna talk about it?"

Alexis huffs at her. "No."

Kate bobs her head. "You wanna play cards?"

"Kate," Alexis says sharply.

"We could paint our nails, though that probably won't help your headache," she continues, waiting.

"Are you going to leave?" Alexis lets out, her glare dull but pointed

"The room or the loft?" Kate wonders, feeling a hollow victory when Alexis' face goes slack.

"The room," Alexis mumbles after a beat.

"No." Alexis slumps against her headboard. Kate watches her for a moment, takes in the way she's holding herself, guarded and jittery. "I don't want to leave you up here like this," she says honestly.

"I'm—"

"Fine, I know," Kate completes for her. "I just want to sit with you until you're feeling a little…more than fine."

"You don't have to," Alexis says cagily. "I can deal. I—I don't need to deal. I'm just—I'm," she breaks off and scrubs at her face.

"Upset?" Kate suggests gently.

"Yes," Alexis agrees loudly, before shaking her head. "I mean, no. I'm not. I'm…fine," she tapers off, sounding defeated.

"Do you know why you're upset?" Kate wonders. She has a feeling, but doesn't know if Alexis has connected those dots yet.

Alexis meets her eyes, her jaw tight. "It's stupid," she admits.

"Anything that's making you cry isn't stupid," Kate tells her.

"You've never cried over something stupid?" Alexis asks, incredulous.

Kate laughs softly. "I have, but this—this isn't a stress cry, is it?"

Alexis wavers, fighting until a tear drips down her cheek. Kate hesitates for a moment before scooting closer and reaching out for her. Alexis shakes her head, curling tighter into her body and shifting away.

"I'm—I can't just expect you to make everything go away," Alexis tells her, wiping roughly at her eyes. "You're not always going to be here."

There it is.

Kate sighs and considers the teen. "Alexis, I haven't made any plans about work. I don't even have to go back right now."

Alexis gapes at her. "You—no. You can't just not go back to work because of me. No." She shifts further across the bed, eyes wide. "I'm not a toddler. I'm—I'm an adult. I don't need you to—I'm _fine_."

"Hey," Kate says quickly.

"You have to go back to work. You have to go back to your life. And dad—dad loves the precinct. If you don't—you have to go back. Please don't tell him I'm—I'm fine, Kate, really. I'm just…I had a panic attack. But I'm fine. I'll—I'll do the breathing thing Burke taught me. You can go to bed."

She didn't have a panic attack, but she's definitely on the edge of one now.

"You ever thought maybe I'm just not ready to go back?" Kate says, scraping for something, anything, to help.

Alexis' eyes cut to hers and she sees the desperation there. "But the guys—"

"Are lonely without your dad around," she says easily, smiling as Alexis shakes her head. "But that doesn't mean that I need to go back right away, or that your dad needs to come with me when I do." No matter what she and he just discussed, at length.

Alexis looks down at her hands as she lets her legs stretch out on the bed. She bites her lip and takes a deep breath. "I can't need you like this all the time," Alexis says quietly. "If it's not this week, it's next week. And at some point you're going to go back to your apartment. And I—" she breaks off and looks over at Kate, lost.

"Can I hug you now?" Kate asks gently.

Alexis goes to shake her head, then nods, scooting close enough that Kate can wrap her arms around her thin, shaking frame. Kate cards her fingers through the teen's hair and closes her eyes.

Someday, yes, she'll have to go back to her apartment, if only to prove that she can spend a night alone. And someday, much sooner than that, she assumes, she'll have to go back to work. And maybe six weeks ago, the idea of voluntarily taking more leave would have seemed absurd, but now, the only thing that matters is the teenager sobbing into her neck.

For the first time in a long while, she has something she values over her job.

"No matter what, you can always call me, Alexis," she says, cupping the back of her head. "Whether I'm downstairs with your dad, or at a crime scene, or someday at my own apartment, you can call and I will get here as soon as I can."

"But—"

"No, there's no but to that," Kate assures her. "Always. I promise you that."

Alexis grips at her, practically climbing into her lap as Kate shifts to lean against the headboard.

"I'm an adult," Alexis mumbles.

"So?"

"So I—so you should go back to your apartment when you want to, and go back to work, and…"

"And what?" Kate wonders, pulling back to get a look at her face. "You're eighteen, so you shouldn't ever need someone to lean on? You think your dad wouldn't be there if I was scared and needed him?"

Alexis huffs. "That's…different."

"Why?"

"Because you can go to the precinct alone, and I had to have my stepmother escort me to my last final," Alexis exclaims, shifting back, her face shining with tears, lip trembling.

Kate hangs on, waiting until Alexis meets her eyes. "I was happy to do that," she tells her, searching her eyes. "Have you talked about this?" Alexis nods. "And?"

"And he said it would fade over time, but I—I really don't want you to leave," she says, gulping in air. "And that's selfish, and you're not—you don't have to—"

"It's not selfish," Kate insists. "It's human. You wanna know why I don't want to go home?" She notices Alexis flinch at the word. "Do you know how inconvenient it would be to have to drive twenty minutes to come check on you?"

"You shouldn't have to—"

"For me," Kate corrects. "When I wake up from a nightmare, and I can't just come upstairs and see that you're okay? When I can't just roll over and see your dad, know that you're asleep up here?" Alexis just stares at her. "You think this whole dependence thing is one sided? It's not. You're not keeping me here, kid. I _want_ to be here. Okay?"

Alexis stares at her hard for a moment before her face finally relaxes and she smiles shyly, nodding.

Kate returns her smile. "We're gonna be fine. Really fine," she corrects as Alexis hiccoughs out a laugh. She reaches out and grabs a few tissues, using one to wipe Alexis' cheeks.

The teen jerks back and grabs the tissue, finishing for herself. "Still not a toddler," she mumbles.

Kate just snorts and pulls back the covers, shifting them around until she can tuck Alexis in.

"_Still_ not a toddler," Alexis insists as Kate smoothes her hair off her forehead.

"My mom tucked me in every night when I was home from college my first semester," Kate protests. Alexis raises an eyebrow. "And…I got up and snuck down the fire escape, but still."

Alexis laughs quietly, sniffling. Kate reaches over her and shuts off the lamp before settling down beside the teenager. Alexis rolls onto her side and yawns, blinking at Kate.

"You staying?" she asks.

"Do you want me to?" Kate returns, rubbing the girl's arm.

"Yeah," Alexis whispers.

She shifts closer and cuddles into Kate. Kate reaches down and pulls the throw blanket over her body, slipping her arm beneath Alexis' pillow. The teen smiles drowsily and curls her arms up between them.

"Love you, Kate," she mumbles.

Kate feels her chest clench and bends down to kiss the teen's forehead. "I love you too, sweetie. Sleep, now."

Alexis nods against her arm and lets her eyes fall shut, her body quickly going slack. Kate lays there listening to the steady rhythm of Alexis' breathing and watches her face. She's loved Castle for a long time, that realization less of a shock than a slow building existence.

But Alexis—her love for the teen flares bright and large within her chest. Their ordeal with Tyson bonded them, but she realizes that in trying to help the girl cope and living with her for the past six weeks, she's fallen deeper than she realized. They're not quite mother and daughter, but they're something close, and she knows that she would take a bullet for her—would have done weeks ago if necessary. But it's different now.

She lives in the loft now, they have dinner as a team. They watch movies and talk about boys and it's different. She has a family all of a sudden.

She smiles to herself. It really hasn't been sudden, but this—hearing Alexis say she loves her—has brought it forward, made her realize just what she has. What she's unwilling to give up.

This, here, with Alexis and Castle, is more important than anything she's had before.

"Kate?" she hears.

The door creaks open and Castle peers into the dim room. She raises her free hand and waves at him. He stares for a moment, lingering there in the doorway. She tries to see whatever expression is there on his face, but it's too dim. He pushes off from the doorjamb and creeps in and around to her side of the bed. She winces as he kneels one leg on the mattress to lean over her. Alexis stays asleep.

"She okay?" he whispers.

Kate nods. "She's okay. But I think I'm gonna stay here tonight."

He sighs, and she sees his forehead crease. "Of course," he says after a beat. "Do you need anything?"

"Another blanket?"

He nods and tip toes over to the closet and pulls down a second comforter. She rolls her eyes but allows him to tuck it over her. He leans down and kisses her forehead before brushing his fingers along Alexis'.

"I'll see you guys in the morning."

"Okay," she murmurs.

"Love you," he adds, pressing another kiss to her cheek.

"I love you too, Castle," she says, feeling bright with it, with this, their little family.

He smiles at her then recedes, creeping back out of the room and shutting the door.


	16. Chapter 16

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 16:**

She wakes alone.

She blinks and sits up, staring around. The room is clean, spotless. The clothes are all in the hamper, the books stacked neatly on the desk, towels hanging on the back of the door in color-coordinated order.

And she slept through it.

She hauls herself out of Alexis' bed and shuffles her way down to the kitchen, wincing at the indentations she can feel on her legs from sleeping in her jeans all night. She glances into the living room and spots Alexis curled into the couch, frowning as she listens to someone on her cell phone.

Kate gives her a wave and Alexis smiles before rolling her eyes and sinking further into the couch.

Kate hears a quiet "Paige," from the teen before she slips into Castle's room.

She smiles at the sight of him passed out, face mashed into his pillow, his laptop lying on her side of the bed. She walks around and bites her lip as she wakes the screen, letting out a sigh of relief when she notices the word document open, Nikki and Rook popping out as she scans through.

Not that he couldn't have been watching porn. But…

She shakes her head and heads into the bathroom to freshen up. She stares at her reflection—smudged make-up, messy hair, a crease from Alexis' pillow along her cheek just below her scar.

He can watch whatever he wants. It would be more fun to watch with him.

She giggles, startling herself. Oh, God, she could watch porn with Richard Castle if she wanted to. Hell, they probably _will_ watch porn together someday. They're going to have sex, and she enjoys…

Well, if they ever manage to have sex.

She sighs and walks over to the shower, setting it to steam. The first step to overcoming this is to make herself feel ready, right? So she takes a thirty minute shower, shaves, moisturizes, exfoliates. She ends up curled up on his shower bench, newly-smooth legs drawn to her chest, face in her knees.

It's a mix of butterflies and dread that fills her stomach.

She can do this.

She has the whole day to work up the confidence. And if she can't, they'll live. He'll live. She may combust, because even the idea of watching porn with him has made her body tingle, and she's been on edge since yesterday with Burke anyway.

No. She can do this. She is a rational adult.

She can have sex with her boyfriend.

After a long and agonizing talk about her PTSD, she can have sex with her boyfriend.

She forces herself up and out of the shower, pushing it away for now. She does her hair, puts on light makeup, tiptoes through his room and gets dressed. She decides to leave him there asleep for a while. She'll wake him with coffee. She can do that.

When she walks into the kitchen, she finds Alexis sitting over a bowl of soggy cereal, her phone resting face-down on the counter.

"Morning," Kate says as she moves around to start the coffee maker. Alexis nods and looks down at her cereal. "Everything okay?"

Alexis shrugs. "Paige is coming over later."

"That's good," Kate says tentatively. Alexis just sighs. "Not good?"

"I don't know," she admits. "She's…upset, and she's talking about after graduation and all this stuff she wants to do, and I just want to go back to sleep."

"Want some coffee?" Kate offers.

Alexis nods and pushes her cereal away. Kate glances at the bowl. She's eaten maybe three bites.

"Pancakes?"

Alexis huffs. "Kate."

"Omelets? Waffles? French toast?"

"You don't have to—" Kate gives her a look. "French toast sounds nice."

Kate smiles and starts gathering the ingredients. She's about to ask if Alexis had plans after graduation, but smiles instead as Martha walks into the kitchen.

"Good morning, ladies," she says jovially. "Oh, Katherine. Are you making that amazing cinnamon toast again?"

Kate nods and ducks her head as Martha claps. She's had little use for most of her mother's recipes until this time with the Castles. Each and every time she makes a new one, she gets an ovation from Martha, groans and proclamations from Castle, and a quiet but content look from Alexis. It's nice.

"What do you have on tap for today?" she asks Martha as the woman settles next to Alexis.

"Oh, I have a few fittings at my school, then a meeting with a backer for our next production. And, if that goes well, well," she waves and Alexis blushes.

Kate laughs. "Good for you."

"I hope it's not about the money," Castle decrees as he wanders out of his office wearing a bathrobe over his shirt and sweats. "That smells good," he adds to Kate as he walks around the island.

He kisses her cheek and then turns to the coffee, pouring four cups.

"It's not about the money, Richard," Martha says haughtily. "He happens to be a lovely man, who also has an interest in the arts. And who are you to talk? Didn't your—"

"Mother," Castle hisses, glancing at Kate.

Kate just laughs. "You married your publisher, Castle."

He narrows his eyes at her. "That had nothing to do with money," he insists.

"Nor does this," Martha says, winking at Kate. "If you can marry your publisher, darling, I can certainly have a dinner with a potential backer."

Castle sighs and passes them each a customized coffee. "Fine. Daughter," he says, looking to Alexis. "What are your plans for the day?"

Kate watches as Alexis gamely perks up. "Paige is coming over in about an hour. And then, I don't know."

He nods, smiling at her. "Maybe we can watch a movie or something." They both look to her for confirmation.

Kate nods and checks a piece of toast. "I'm game."

"Oh, Richard. Speaking of your publisher. I meant to mention Gina called me yesterday," Martha says.

Castle looks over at her, surprised. "She did?"

"She wanted to know how your manuscript was coming?"

"Are you behind, dad?" Alexis asks.

Kate hands her a plate of French toast and forces herself to focus on cooking. If he's behind on Nikki, it's her fault. First for the lie, and well, the abduction isn't her fault, but his inability to write prior to that probably didn't help.

"No," he says slowly. "I'm not. I have what she needs. I'll send it after breakfast."

"You really should try and stay on schedule more," Martha says as she takes a plate from Kate. "The woman sounded ready to bite your head off."

"Well, she can deal," Castle offers, his voice harder than before. "She knows what's been going on for the last six weeks. She said I had an extension."

"Dad," Alexis lets out. "Is—"

"It's fine," he tells Alexis. "Really. I wrote about four chapters last night."

"He passed out with his laptop," Kate puts in, watching the way Alexis is growing tense. She can feel Castle prickling beside her. "I hope you saved," she adds, giving Castle a smirk.

He forces a chuckle and bumps her with his hip. "It's all in the cloud."

"Where is 'the cloud' exactly?" Martha asks.

"Mm. Only Steve Jobs knows," Alexis says, winking at her dad.

"Probably somewhere non-extradition," Kate adds.

Castle laughs for real this time. He shakes his head as she tries to hand him a plate, forcing it back on her instead. She sighs and lets him gently shove her away from the stove to eat. He finishes his own stack of toast, adding chocolate chips, which is just unnecessary. But he's smiling, and Alexis is relaxing again, and maybe they can just find their equilibrium.

(…)

She leans against the doorway to the office, watching as he re-reads something. He's bent over the computer, back hunched, mouthing the words. From what she can gather, it's a none-too-kind email to Gina with his latest work.

He finally hits send, leaning back in his chair only to spot her in the doorway.

"Hey," he says, running a hand through his hair. "Sorry to leave you with the dishes."

She waves him off and walks over to sit down on the couch. "Got it sent?"

"Yes," he agrees, standing. He cracks his back as he walks over to join her on the couch, still in his sweats and tee shirt. "Should hold me for a week or two."

"When's the deadline?" she wonders, smiling as he wraps his arm around her shoulders.

"August. They want to have it printed by November."

"Wasn't it supposed to be September?"

He turns and considers her. "Have you been talking to Gina?"

She laughs and pats his thigh. "No. On your web—" she winces as he positively beams at her. "Shut up."  
She watches as he debates with himself. She can tell he wants to gloat, but he's fighting it. Smart man.

"I was late for the first draft," he admits. "So this is me finishing that. They pushed the date back."

She bobs her head, grateful for his restraint. She feels guilt creeping up her chest. He should have had that first draft in already. But he didn't.

"Honestly, I got stuck after the case with Sofia," he admits.

She tenses at the name. How horrible it must have been for him—to think he knew someone, and find out she was a trained killer. Not that long after, he found out Kate had been lying. Betrayal after betrayal.

She knows the feeling.

"They were understanding, but I missed the next deadline after that," he continues. "And then you guys disappeared, and I just—it was—I couldn't write with you gone."

"That's understandable," she says softly. "But now?"

He laughs and leans in to kiss her cheek. "I'm currently living with my muse. What do you think?"  
She fights against a blush. She's not his muse. Except, she really kind of is, and the way he's looking at her—

"At this rate, I could have half of the next one done by August."

She smiles, lets him swoop in for a real kiss. Having her here helps his writing. Having her here helps his nightmares. When he pulls back, she searches his eyes, looking for any sign of discontent. She doesn't find one. Instead, she sees that spark he usually has when they're solving a case, building theory.

"You want to write more, don't you?" she deduces. He grins sheepishly. She presses another kiss to his lips then pushes on him. "Go on. I'll do laundry or something."

"When she comes, the housekeeper can—"

"I can do laundry, Castle. Alexis practically has a ton of it in her room."

He nods and stands up. "I thought having her here might make Alexis uncomfortable."

Kate smiles and pushes on his side, sending him back to his chair as she stands up and heads for his bedroom. "I'll have a Saturday clean day. You write."

"You're sure?" he asks, sitting down again behind his laptop. "I can—we could go for a walk or something, or ooh, play laser tag."

Kate stares at him. "You want to play laser tag while your daughter spends time with her best friend for the first time in six weeks?"

"Um…no," he decides. "I'll just," he points to the computer.

"You do that," Kate says with a laugh. "I'll bring you something if I make them a snack."

With that, she leaves him to the call of his novel. She gathers their dirty clothes and shoves them into the basket she finds in his walk-in. She glances to her bag and closes her eyes. No. She's going to clean. She can decide whether or not to wear the teddy later.

Kate makes her way to the laundry room and forces herself into a tranquil state as she sorts their laundry. She pre-treats a few of his shirts for stains gained cooking, or messing around. One of them even has what looks like silly-putty on it. She doesn't want to know.

Once she's gotten their whites into the washer, she heads for Alexis' room. Martha left after breakfast, only to bump into Paige on her way out the door. The girl was polite, asking after her health and Castle's before practically dragging Alexis up to her room.

The redhead, for her part, looked only mildly put-upon, but Kate could read the tension in her shoulders. She almost wishes she'd found a way to get Alexis out of this, given the rough night she had. But she knows from experience that forcing some normalcy can go a long way.

She approaches Alexis' room and goes to knock.

"She keeps trying to get me to go shopping for college. Already. And if it's not that, she wants to get facials, or manicures, or, God, you know, the other day she asked if I wanted to go to a Build-a-Bear. I know she's bored because dad's working more, but I'm her kid not her cocktail friend."

"It sounds like she just wants to spend time with you," Alexis says softly.

Kate blows out a breath and drops her hand. She could strangle Paige. It's bad enough that Alexis is struggling so much, but to rub her overly-attentive mother in her face? As far as Kate knows, Meredith has only called twice since she left—too busy on set to bother checking in with her traumatized daughter.

"I know," Paige whines. "But it's killing me. She made me stay home last night to watch movies. John Krinsky had a party."

"Oh," Alexis offers.

"By the way, are you going to his graduation party?"

"When is it?" Alexis asks.

"Graduation night," Paige says excitedly. "They're taking keys, and there'll be a band and everything. It's in his parents' penthouse up on Central Park West and 73rd."

Kate waffles. She shouldn't be listening. But she needs to get the laundry from Alexis' room. Well, she doesn't need to, but as the silence stretches on, she feels like maybe a break would do Alexis some good.

"Are you going?" Paige repeats.

"I don't know. I'd have to ask my dad and Kate."

"Kate? She has a say in your activities now?"

Rather than make Alexis answer that, Kate knocks, loudly. "Hey, Lex, can I grab your laundry?"

She pokes her head into the room. Alexis and Paige are sitting on her bed, one girl at either end. Alexis looks like a suspect on the other side of her interrogation table, body tense, face tight. Paige…looks like an excited 18-year-old pre-grad.

"Sorry," Kate says as she steps into the room. "Figured I'd get some chores done while your dad writes. Can I take your dirty clothes?"

"I'm gonna hit the bathroom," Paige tells Alexis, giving her a look before smiling at Kate.

They watch as she disappears into the bathroom. Kate notes the way Alexis' shoulders deflate.

"Sorry," Kate repeats.

"It's fine," Alexis says quietly. "You're doing laundry?"

Kate shrugs and gathers the clothes from Alexis' hamper. "Someone needs to."

Alexis shakes her head with a smile. "How domestic."

Kate laughs. "Careful, or I'll give you chores."

"Ha," Alexis says before flopping back down on her bed.

"No, mom. Seriously?" they hear from inside the bathroom.

"You okay?" Kate asks Alexis, walking over to the bed, an eye on the door.

"Mom! I'm—no, I can't just leave. I haven't seen Alexis in weeks. Because she was—you know what happened."

Alexis sighs and glances at Kate. "I'm fine."

"If you need," Kate starts, considering the teen. "I really can give you chores if you need them."

Alexis smiles tiredly at her. "Thanks. I'll be fine. Can we do Temptation Lane instead of a movie?"

"Of course," Kate promises as they hear the door opening. "I'll see you later."

She nods to Paige as she makes her way out of the room, noting the way the girl is giving her a false smile.

She closes the door after herself and sighs.

"She seems…at home here," Paige says.

Kate forces herself to walk away before she can hear Alexis' reply.

By the time Paige is getting ready to leave, Kate's done three loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen, and read two chapters of Heat Wave. Castle emerges from his office, looking bleary-eyed, but at least he's gotten dressed for the day. Alexis may find Paige over-bearing, but she's sure the teen would rather her father not parade around in his pajamas in front of her friend.

Castle shuffles past her and starts another pot of coffee. She watches, amused as he reaches into the fridge, pulls out a can of whipped cream, and unceremoniously takes a hearty swig.

"Munchies?" she asks.

He coughs, spinning around as if just noticing her, whipped cream dribbling down his chin. She can't help it. She laughs, hard. He glares at her as he swallows and grabs a napkin to clean himself up. She puts a hand over her mouth to stop her giggles but he just advances on her, holding the can.

"Don't you dare spray that," she commands.

He shakes his head. "Open up, Beckett."

"If you think that—"

Somehow, he manages to squirt the cream into her mouth mid-word. She splutters, but manages to keep most of it inside her lips. She refuses to hum in satisfaction. But damn, that is good.

When she meets his eyes, his pupils are dark. She smirks and swipes at a stray bit of cream on her lip, sucking it off her finger with a roll of her tongue for good measure.

He looks entirely turned on. Maybe she can do this.

"I'm just saying, could you ask?"

They turn and find Alexis following Paige down the stairs, glaring daggers at the back of her best friend's head.

"Mr. Castle," Paige says, walking into the living room. "There's a—"

"Paige," Alexis hisses.

Paige ignores her. "There's a party on graduation night. Chaperoned by the Krinsky's, and Alexis is saying she needs your permission. So, can she go?"

Alexis shakes her head violently behind Paige, glancing at Castle before looking beseechingly to Kate. Kate sees Castle considering the two and reaches out to squeeze his hand behind the counter. He likes to be the cool dad, she knows. But she can tell Alexis doesn't need a cool dad right now. She needs the opposite, actually.

"Well," Castle hedges, considering Kate for a moment before looking back at the two teenagers. "I'll have to think about it?"

Kate nearly rolls her eyes. It's not a question. It's a statement.

"Please, Mr. Castle? We haven't really seen her, and it's going to be such a good party. I promise she'll be safe. We won't let anything happen to her. There's really good security in their building."

Kate watches as Castle bristles. Paige seems like a good, normal kid. But that's just not what you say to a parent who recently suffered through a child abduction.

"I'll think about it," he says, and this time, it's a statement—a loaded one at that.

"Okay," Paige says, looking taken aback.

She's probably only ever seen him as Alexis' jovial dad. But Castle right now is anything but jovial. Kate can see the shadow of the last six weeks in his eyes, the tension of his jaw.

Paige bids them all a quick goodbye and escapes the loft, looking meek. Kate stands and rubs her hand over Castle's back until he relaxes.

"Thanks," Alexis says softly, walking over to give her father a long hug. Castle presses his face into her hair, a wide smile slowly spreading across his face that pulls roughly at Kate's heart.

"Do you want to go?" he wonders as she pulls back.

Alexis shrugs. "I don't know. But this way it can be your fault, and I don't have to…explain."

Castle nods and kisses her forehead before slumping down onto one of the barstools. Kate rubs his shoulder then turns to Alexis.

"So. Temptation Lane?"

Alexis smiles and nods, arching up to wrap her arms around Kate's shoulders. "Thank you," she whispers.

Kate squeezes her back then gently herds both Castles into the office. Castle cues up the show, turning back to point Kate onto the couch next to Alexis. Kate coaxes Alexis into lying down with her head on a pillow in Kate's lap. Castle flops down on the floor on her opposite side, his head resting against her knee.

Whatever her flaws, whatever her issues, this she can do. She can comfort the two people most important to her in the world.

It bolsters her throughout the afternoon, the thought that she can do this. She can help them overcome their issues, can provide comfort in the storm that has overtaken their lives. And if she can do that, why can't she overcome her problems for herself?

(…)

"Kate?"

She hesitates, standing in his walk-in, the lavender teddy clutched in her hands. She was so sure by the end of the day, confident through dinner. But now, with the prospect of actually putting the damn thing on and walking out there staring her in the face, she's not sure she can do it.

She hears him moving toward the closet, which she's left wide open. She sighs and steps out, still holding the teddy.

"Hey," he says, smiling. He takes in what must be the mix of embarrassment and determination on her face and glances to her hands. "Everything okay?" he asks.

Kate huffs and stalks out into the room, glancing toward the doors. They're alone. Alexis perked up by dinner and went to sleep in peace. Martha's still out. And Kate can't get herself to put on a stupid lace nightgown.

"No," she says, tossing the offending garment onto the bed before scrubbing her hand through her hair.

Castle glances from the lingerie to her and back for a moment. "Um. Can I…help?"

"I haven't felt like this since the night I lost my virginity," is her reply. She groans as Castle gapes at her. That…did not come out as planned. "I—Burke suggested." She stops and shakes her head, walking over to fall onto the chaise in the corner of the room. "I cannot believe I just started that sentence."

Castle considers her for a moment before walking over to plop down next to her. "Sounds like a good sentence to me," he offers.

Kate looks across the room at the bed, willing herself to believe Burke's words—willing herself to remember what she believes in Castle, let that faith overcome the inertia she currently feels.

"I wanted to try and…get around my, ah, issues," she starts. It all sounds awkward in her mouth, against her tongue. Issues, and PTSD, and recovery.

They weren't easy alone. But at least she could say them to herself.

"Burke had suggestions?" Castle asks, his voice soft.

She chances a look at him, and, of course, he looks so ready, so open to this. "He," she starts, feeling the words stick in her throat.

Maybe she can't do this.

She opens her mouth a few times, but nothing comes out. It's all a messy jumble in her head. It seemed so simple, even funny, yesterday. But now—

"Hey, you don't have to," he starts.

"But I want to," she lets out. "I really want—I had this whole—" she grunts and covers her face with her hands.

After a beat, she feels Castle rising, listens as he pads off into the bathroom.

"Fuck," she mumbles.

She stays there, bent over her knees, face in her hands, willing herself not to cry. She is not going to let a piece of lingerie win. She's not going to let—no, she's not even going to think about it.

She can have sex with her boyfriend. She can.

And she can explain that they just have to avoid second base. That…

She groans.

She couldn't have just been self-conscious about the scars. That, she could have dealt with. That, she knows how to surmount.

But this—this takes words and eloquence and how the hell is she supposed to make sexual PTSD sound sexy?

She snorts to herself. She's not. Her PTSD isn't sexy. It's just there, and she has to deal with it, and because of that, he has to deal with it.

"Kate?"

She pulls her hands from her face and looks up at him. He smiles down at her and extends his hands. She hesitates for a second, but his soft look wins out, and she allows him to tug her up and guide her into the bathroom.

"Oh."

He's run a bath in his swimming pool of a tub. The bubbles froth in the still-filling water. The whole room smells like lavender. It flickers and dances before her eyes, bathed in candle light, and she feels his hands bracket her waist.

"Join me?" he whispers against her ear. She shivers and he laughs softly. "Dip our toes in, see where we get to from there."

She feels herself smiling and nodding before she can find the words. He squeezes her hips gently and nudges her further into the room, shutting the door behind them. She can feel the heat crawling into her body, steam fogging the mirrors.

She turns and finds him shirtless. He grins as she stares, taking in the firm lines of his torso, his muscular arms. She's seen him without a shirt in the past two weeks, but this—this is different.

He steps out of his jeans next and moves forward. He bends down and pulls her into a kiss, his mouth gentle and sweet against hers. When they break apart, she's breathless.

"You want help with your clothes?" he mumbles into her cheek.

Oh, she does. She'd love to let him drag her shirt over her head, let him undo her loose bra and tug her from her jeans. But she knows it's one step at a time here.

"Maybe next time."

He nods, squeezing her hands before pulling away. He steps out of his boxers, grinning as she nearly gapes at the sight, and promptly submerges himself in the tub.

He's big.

He laughs as she continues to stand there, staring at him where he's disappeared into the bubbles. He shuts off the tap and leans back against the edge of the tub.

"You comin'?" he asks. She nods and pulls off her tee shirt, still in shock.

Maybe that's why they call him the white whale.

If he was going for a diversion tactic, he succeeded. She's out of her pants and her bra before she realizes what she's doing.

She's stripping for him. And he's enjoying it, looking positively gleeful, and somehow still rather tender as he watches her.

She manages a smirk as she shimmies out of her underwear. He grins at her and beckons her into the tub, holding out a hand for her. She takes it and lets him guide her into the water, lets him pull her back against his chest, settled in the cradle of his thighs.

She can feel him there behind her, but he merely wraps her up, guiding her to relax against his chest. She lets herself, lets the warm water, the bubbles, the candles, soothe the anxiety from her chest.

"Good?" he asks after a few quiet minutes.

"Really good," she admits.

She can feel his smile against the crown of her head as she rests against his shoulder. His fingers twine with hers, sitting just above her navel. He hums, the sound reverberating through her. She thinks it might be 'It Had to Be You,' but can't be sure. All she knows is he loves her, and he's a sweet man.

When he finishes his song, she finds her mouth opening. "I want to try again," she says. His hands squeeze hers in encouragement. "And it's not—I don't have a…this sounds so clinical," she continues, feeling her nerves faltering, again.

"I don't care," he tells her. "If you want to try again, and you think there's something that would help, lay it on me, Beckett. I'm game."

She huffs a laugh, feels him smile again. "If we stick to, um, bases one, three, and four, and don't…have missionary sex, I think I might be okay."

"Oh, I can so work with that," he says, and she can hear him grinning. "I am very good at one, three, and wouldn't you call it home, not fourth?"

"Really, Castle? You want to parse bases right now?"

"We're having bath time," he objects, releasing one of her hands to make ripples in the water.

She snorts and grabs his hand back, curling their arms up to her shoulder. "I see."

He kisses her forehead and begins humming again, this time to the tune of 'Love Was Made for Me and You.' She relaxes against him, content for the moment. It hits her after a minute that they are naked in his tub together. He's humming love songs in her ear, his touch tender and gentle across her body. There's candle light, and bubbles.

She's in Richard Castle's bathtub, being romanced.

She turns her cheek to hide her grin in his neck, presses her lips to his humming throat. She feels him swallow and nips at his pulse.

"Beckett," he breathes out.

She shifts against him, feeling bolder for his care, for his love. He groans and turns, giving himself enough room between them to claim her mouth, their bodies at awkward angles.

"Shower?" he mumbles into her lips.

She nods and pulls away, turning before she stands. The bubbles drip down her body and he stares up at her, his eyes a shade darker than before. He reaches out and runs his hands up the back of her legs.

"Come on," she husks out, her throat suddenly tight, this time with excitement, anticipation for what they're about to do—what they've been waiting to experience for so long.

She steps out and he follows, the two of them hurrying across the cool tile floor and into his steam shower. She lets him fiddle with the taps, emitting a surprised squeak as the hot water suddenly pounds down around them. He smiles and moves toward her, reaching out to slick her hair back in the spray.

She arches up and kisses him before pulling back and running her own hands over her body, removing the vestiges of their bath. She watches him do the same, the two of them eyeing each other. She laughs first, he follows.

It's absurd and arousing and scary and exciting and she hopes, she hopes, the last time she'll ever do this for the first time.

He takes her hands and draws her out of the shower, tosses a big fluffy towel over her head. She giggles and he grins, looking as though he's never heard a more beautiful sound. Her cheeks flush as he watches her dry her body, as she watches him pat down the outline of his pecks, the strong definition of his thighs.

She scoots around him to grab a comb and he steps up behind her, pressing his chest into her back, his arms stretched to rest on either side of her hips. She shakes her head, her damp hair tickling her cheek. He just smiles and watches as she combs through it.

"You know it's just going to get messed up again, right?"

"There's sex hair, Castle. And then there's bird's nest."

He laughs and kisses her cheek as she puts down the comb. "It's all sexy, Beckett."

She smiles and bumps his head with hers before nudging him back. She drops her towel and saunters into the bedroom, counting on him to follow. She ignores the part of her brain that reminds her of her scars, of how there's much more than the sway of her hips to see from behind now.

She hears him fumbling to follow and grins. He doesn't care. She's naked. She turns around and he's naked too. The bedroom is dimly lit and she feels her thighs hit the side of his bed. They're really going to do this.

Castle approaches her slowly until they're toe-to-toe. He raises his hands and cradles her jaw in his palms, bending down to draw a languid kiss from her mouth. He rests his forehead against hers, his eyes large and close, his breath fanning across her lips.

"Anything you need, tell me. You want to stop, we'll stop. Whenever you need."

She nods into his palms, resting her hands against his chest. She trusts him. She trusts him entirely with this. It's her own mind, her own body, that she doesn't quite trust yet.

She lets herself lean back, dragging him down onto the bed with her. As soon as they hit, she rolls, tugging him with her so they end up lying on their sides together, bodies pressed close. She'd love to have him on top, to be on top herself, but something in the idea unnerves her.

He doesn't seem to mind, his hands instantly busy, one arm sliding beneath her head, the other hand gliding down to grip her hip. He brings her leg up, hooking it over his own. He trails his fingers up and down her thigh, his mouth a steady, blissful glide against her own.

She groans lightly and feels him clutch at her in response, his hand sliding around to cup her ass. She can feel the heat of him radiating off his chest. His arousal bumps between them and she smiles into his kiss. She slides her hand down his chest, tracing the lines of his muscles, the dip of his navel, the crease of his thigh.

He moans into her mouth as she drags her fingertips over him, up and down. She wraps her hand around him, reveling in the silk of his skin, the weight of him, the fact that she's here, holding him in hand, feeling him shudder against her.

He grunts into her mouth and slips his hand around. She gasps as his fingers glide up the inside of her thigh, her hand going slack around him. He chuckles and nudges her gently with his chest until she's lying on her back, his fingers poised, resting at the top of her thigh, less than an inch from where she desperately wants them.

"Okay?" he whispers, his head propped on his free hand.

She turns her cheek and looks up at him, watches the way his eyes peruse her body, a slow glide up from where his hand rests to her face. "Yes," she says.

He grins and bends down to kiss her as his fingers pay homage to her. She has to break away from his mouth as he strokes over her, her body hyper aware and startlingly sensitive.

"Fuck, Castle," she lets out, groaning as he dips a finger into her. He maps her, testing and thrusting and swirling until he finds the place that makes her hips jerk.

He adds another finger and she feels her back arching. She sucks in air in jagged patterns, surprised by how easily he can do this to her. But she looks up to watch him and he's staring at her, memorizing every minute twitch as he explores her body. He adjusts each time she moans, adds his thumb to swirl at the top as he increases friction inside.

He smiles when she cries out, kisses her ear and sucks on her earlobe as her hips start to grind against his hand, her body desperate for the release she can feel coiling in her abdomen. So fast—it's so fast, and before she knows it, she's falling, that tension releasing with a snap that leaves her jerking and writhing against his sheets, pleasure spreading out to her fingertips and toes and the top of her scalp.

When she comes back to herself, she blinks her eyes open, finds his smiling face held close to hers.

"Wow," she manages. His grin stretches.

"Wow," he says, raising his eyebrows at her.

She laughs, blushing faintly and arches up to kiss him, her hands cradling his cheeks. He sucks on her lower lip and then pulls back, breathing hard against her as his body rocks lightly into hers.

"You okay?" he whispers.

"Yeah," she promises. She knows he would let go immediately if she wasn't, and she's glad she is. She has no desire to deny him what she just experienced, or to deny herself of it again either.

She rolls onto her side and hikes her leg back over his hip, bumping her pelvis into his. He groans and grabs her hand before she can reach down between them.

"Condom?" he asks.

"IUD," she says softly. "I haven't—I'm clean."

"Me too," he says quickly. "Do you want me to?"

She shakes her head. "I'm okay if you are."

He nods and presses his lips to hers, releasing her hand. She snakes her palm between them, wrapping her fingers around him. She aligns him and breaks their kiss, shifting her hips. His mouth falls open at first contact and she smiles, dragging him through until he pushes forward.

She gasps this time. Her fingers wrap around his arm and she lets herself make some half-animalistic sound as he rocks deeper and deeper until they're fully joined. He ducks his head and meets her eyes, his pupils blown wide.

"You feel incredible," he whispers.

"Uh-huh," she manages, huffing as he laughs.

She pulls her hips back as best she can like this and he takes the hint, starting to thrust, a slow, steady rhythm building between them. It's blissful and broad and bright, her body alight with the feeling of being with him.

He watches her, his lips parted. She struggles to keep her eyes open, to give him back that same intensity. But she just feels so much. Sex has always been fun and she's never shied away from enjoying it. But this, with him—the immediate emotional connection stuns her and heightens everything, from the feeling of his body gliding in hers to her awareness of his breath and each bead of sweat running between them.

She rests her hand against his neck, feeling his pulse thrumming beneath her thumb, and he wraps his arm around her, pulling her closer. It changes their angle and she keens as it makes him hit that place within her. It drives her so high that it takes her a while to feel his fingers on her back, his hand resting higher than before, against her scars.

She stills without thought, her hand growing limp and falling to his chest, palm flat.

"Kate?" he says gently.

His hips stop moving and they lie there for a moment, immobile but still connected. She takes a deep breath, trying to figure out what's wrong. She doesn't feel panicked, just…aware. His fingers are on her scars, the place—one of the places—Tyson defiled on her body.

"Do you—"

She reaches up and covers his lips with her fingers, closing her eyes. She doesn't want to stop. She just—

"Talk to me," falls from her mouth.

"Talk?"

She shifts her hips into his, pulling herself closer. She brushes her fingers down his jaw, focuses in on his face and his eyes and his mouth. She thrusts her hips more forcefully and he takes her hint, rocking shallowly with her.

"You're beautiful," he says, reclaiming their rhythm. "And this—I have wanted this for so long, and it was so worth the wait."

"Yeah?" she manages, her body responding more now, everything doubling.

"You're so—tight," he says, laughing as she grins at him. "Tight, and wet."

"Castle," she groans, amused and turned on and oddly besotted. She finds the smidge of sanity to tighten her muscles, smirking when he grunts in surprise.

"And hot. You're really, really hot, you know that? And beautiful. And…God, Kate, this feels so good."

"It does," she agrees, panting now as his hand abandons her back. He slips his fingers between them and begins a steady swirl of tight circles against her. "Oh, Castle," she gets out.

"Can you go like this?" he asks, watching her face as he moves faster and faster.

She really can. "Yes. Yes. Just—right—oh," she gasps as everything snaps, flooding through her.

He groans after a few more thrusts, clutching at her as she starts to come down, his hips stuttering before he stills. She breathes harshly, her body still tingling as she brushes the hair from his eyes.

"Jeez, Beckett," he rasps out. "Wow."

"Yeah," she agrees, a giggle popping up. He's still inside of her, their bodies smashed together, sweaty and sated. "I love you," she says around another giggle.

He grins. "Happy?"

"Very," she admits. "Very happy. Thank you."

His gaze softens and he leans in, kissing her. "No need," he whispers to her. "That—you don't have to thank me for that. We're going to enjoy the hell out of this."

"What, overcoming my sexual trauma?"

He makes a face and she laughs. "When you say it like that—but, well, yeah," he decides. He winces a second later. "Is that—"

"Thank you," she repeats, smiling at him. "That's—you're a wonderful man, you know that?"

She watches as he goes from shocked to smug to tender in the span of a second. "I love you, Kate. There's nothing—well, _that_ is wonderful. But this? What we just did? I will do that again and again for the rest of my life. Someday, I definitely want to see if I can make you come with just my tongue and your breasts—"

She squeaks at the suggestion and he laughs, slowly pulling out of her. She whines and bites at her lip, but he just pulls her close, their bodies relaxed now together.

"But this—this is no hardship for me. You don't have to thank me. Thank you for wanting to try, for doing work to get us here. I would have been happy to wait."

"But this is better," she completes for him.

"No," he says quickly. "Not better, just—just—"

"Castle," she says, waiting until he closes his mouth. "This is better," she tells him, hoping he can see how content this has made her, how she can already feel it building back her confidence, her safety, her comfort.

"Any life with you would be a good one," he says softly.

She smiles. "I'm glad. But I'm happier with sex too, aren't you?"

His grin is sheepish, but it's there. Her chest expands. He kisses her forehead, and she laughs there in the quiet, his body pressed close to hers.


	17. Chapter 17

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 17:**

In her dream, he doesn't stop. In her dream, he forces her to undress, then pulls himself out before falling onto her. In her dream, there's no way to escape. In her dream Alexis is screaming, and Tyson is laughing, and her mind is splintering into pieces.

She wakes with a gasp, heart thundering. For a horrifying moment, she can feel the ache of her body, the remnants of that violation, and she can't breathe. He won. He raped her, and Alexis watched, and nothing will ever ever be all right again.

She pries her eyes open, expecting to see Alexis curled in a fetal position in the corner. Instead, she finds herself in Castle's room, in Castle's bed. She turns her head and there he is.

Castle lays sprawled on his stomach, his face mashed into his pillow. His hair is a mess and his breathing is deep and even. And he is unquestionably naked.

The ache she feels between her legs isn't from Tyson. It's from Castle, from what they finally did together. It wasn't violation, it was exaltation, and it had been far, far too long since her last roll in the sheets.

She tries to even out her breathing, calm her heart rate, as she struggles with herself. Half of her luxuriates in the dull pain—proof of something so very, very good. The other half is still stuck in her nightmare, horrified and wounded and hurt.

She thought she'd overcome this hurdle. She managed to have sex without a panic attack—managed to _enjoy_ it and love it, and love him. But the nightmare and the physical reminder seem to be tearing her joy into shreds she can't grasp back.

Castle shifts and she quickly rises, unwilling to wake him, or let him wake and find her this way. She is happy, she is. She is happy, and in love, and safe, and loved. But she wants him only to see that happiness, not…whatever she's overwhelmed by in this moment.

She slips into a pair of his boxers and a stray tee shirt. She smiles faintly. It smells like him. Or perhaps she smells like him.

She shrugs into his robe and tiptoes out into his office. It's early yet. The sun hasn't fully risen, the office bathed in a light golden glow. She wanders to the window and considers for a moment before stepping out onto the balcony.

The early-morning chill is bracing and she lets it consume her. She and Alexis had been cold for weeks, but this—this cold is refreshing. She can smell summer coming in the air, can feel the remnants of spring cool against her feet on the concrete balcony.

She scrapes her hair back from her face and curls into the large robe, wrapping herself up tight. She's calmer here, her dream receding slowly until all she feels is the bodily peace that accompanies the morning after.

She smiles, her face slowly cracking with it. They slept together. They—she feels a blush rise across her cheeks and bites at her lip. She feels slightly giddy, that joy bubbling slowly up from her toes. Three months ago, she never thought they'd get here, and now she's standing on his balcony, wrapped in his clothes, her body pleasantly sore.

She hasn't been pleasantly sore in any way in a long time. Longer still since she's been _this_ kind of sore. She'd wondered for so long what it would be like, to be with him. Even with the cloud of her nightmare, the harsh memories of her time in the basement—even with all of the trauma still hanging over them, it was more than she expected. And she expected quite a lot, to be honest.

If she's lucky, if they try, if they work, last night was her last first night. She smiles, laughing quietly. Last night was her first last.

She turns around, pulled suddenly back into the warmth of the loft, her fingers itching to do something. She wants to show him how happy he's made her—how despite the hill still in front of them, she is exultant and giddy with it, with him.

She ends up struggling with the coffee maker, cursing quietly and hoping that no one shows up to bear witness to her pathetic battle. She's been letting him make her coffee for far too long. Hell, this machine is nearly identical to the one in the precinct break room, and she can't use it. She huffs. She can't use the break room espresso machine either.

Coffee is his thing. That's his job, his gesture.

But she wants to give it back. She owes him it—something about one hundred coffees.

Finally, she manages two decent lattes and carries them carefully back to his room. She steps inside and finds him sitting up, looking around with bleary eyes.

"Hey," she says softly, closing the door before padding over to hand him his cup.

"Hi," he says, his voice still rough with sleep. "Thanks," he adds, taking a sip. He hums. "Good."

She smiles, feeling suddenly shy, which is stupid, considering all they've been through. "Did you, ah, sleep well?" she asks.

He smirks at her over the rim of his coffee. "Very well. You?"

She nods. "Very well."

She did, until the nightmare, at least. But that's a demon she'll work out with Burke.

"You look comfy," he observes.

She bobs her head, brushing her unruly hair off of her face. She is comfy. Then again, "You look comfier," she admits.

He smiles and reaches out, tugging gently on her robe—his robe—until she shuffles closer, her hip settled next to his. He sets down his cup and takes hers, placing them side by side on his bedside table.

Then slowly, reverently, he leans forward and cups her cheeks in his hands, pressing a kiss to her lips. She hums and lets herself fall forward into his chest, wrapping her arms around his neck.

His hands slowly slide down from her cheeks, one wrapping around her back, the other settling on her neck. He shifts, pulling her with him until they're sprawled out on the bed together. He pulls back and smiles at her, their legs twined together.

"Morning," he says.

She giggles. "Morning."

"It's early. Why are you up?" he whispers, pulling the blankets back over them, then up and over their heads.

She laughs and brushes the hair off of his forehead. "Could ask you the same thing," she replies in lieu of coming up with some half-baked reason.

"You got up," he says, as if it's the most natural response in the world.

She feels her cheeks heat, stunned slightly by his omission. He woke up because she was gone. Not only are they sleeping together now—_sleeping_ together—but her mere absence disrupts his sleep. They've only been in this bed together for a little over two weeks now.

"You okay?" he asks softly.

She smiles and kisses him quickly. "You're sweet, Castle."

He smiles and draws her back in for a longer kiss, this one lazy and sated, happy. "You taste sweet," he mumbles into her lips.

She huffs against his mouth. "Cheesy," she gets out.

"Omelets?" he asks, pulling back with a little grin.

She laughs and pushes the covers back, suddenly a little hot. She'll ignore the double entendre for now.

"Sure," she says, sitting up and pulling him with her.

"Wait," he says, frowning. "No. Pancakes."

"Why?" she wonders, laughing as he unashamedly stands from bed and tugs her with him.

It takes him a moment to realize he's naked, and she isn't. But he just grins, since she's staring. Damn.

"Because pancakes are an edible way of saying thank you so much for last night," he says, wrapping and arm around her waist and pulling her into his chest. She lets him, oddly charmed. He leans in and presses his mouth to her ear. "Esposito said so."

She groans and pushes back from him while he laughs. "Put some pants on, Castle. I'll start the batter."

"No," he protests, scrambling to pull on a pair of boxers and then some sweats. He grabs a different robe and scoots around her before she can even make it to the door.

The man can dress quickly, she'll give him that.

"I'm saying thank you. I make the pancakes. You can…sit and look ravished."

"Ravished," she squeaks, doubling back to check in the mirror over his dresser. She looks a little unkempt, but not—

"What's wrong with ravished?" he asks, moving back to her side to consider the two of them in the mirror. "Don't you feel ravished?"

"Believe me, I do," she mutters, shifting a little at the discomfort of it. "But your daughter is going to come down—"

"Oh, jeez, Beckett," Castle whines, instantly stepping away from her. "Just—cruel."

She laughs and grabs a hair tie, following him out and into the kitchen as she puts her hair back.

"Wait," he says, spinning around as they reach the island. He reaches out and brushes his hand down her arm. "Are you okay? I didn't—I didn't hurt you, did I?" he asks, his face suddenly stricken.

She shakes her head quickly and reaches up to rest an arm around his neck, settling her hand against his cheek, bringing him close. "No," she promises. "It's just been a while, and you're…majestic," she decides, wrinkling her nose as she hears the word out loud.

His shit-eating grin is answer enough, but he holds fast even as she tries to pull away. He swoops in for a surprisingly deep kiss, then rests his forehead against hers.

"Glad you approve," he whispers, and she swats at his shoulder. "But gladder that you're okay."

"It was great," she promises him. "Couple more times and it won't be so…ravishing."

He laughs and presses a fast kiss to her cheek before pulling back to walk around the counter. She settles on one of the stools and watches as he bends into the fridge to grab the milk.

"You're wrong, by the way," he says as he deposits a few ingredients on the counter.

"About what?" she wonders.

"It'll still be ravishing. If we're going for goals, there should definitely be a day when neither of us can walk."

"Um," they hear.

They both turn and find Alexis standing awkwardly at the bottom of the stairs, eyes wide. Kate's stuck between laughing at the complete look of horror on Castle's face, and wincing at Alexis' intense discomfort.

"Laser tag," Castle blurts out. "I was talking about…laser tag."

Kate snorts and Castle glares at her. Alexis just shakes her head.

"Can I have some pancakes, or is this a morning after thing?" she asks, putting on a pretty good game face.

"Come have breakfast," Kate says, ignoring the heat in her cheeks. "Your father will cool it with the sweet talk."

"Didn't sound that sweet," Alexis mumbles as she slides onto a stool next to Kate.

Kate bites her tongue against the comeback, 'it's sweet because he has sex goals that involve multiple orgasms.' She doesn't think Alexis would appreciate it.

They're quiet as Castle goes about making pancakes, eyes down, face set. He doesn't even glance at them as he goes. After about five minutes, Alexis turns to her.

"So, I tried on my graduation dress again, and I definitely either need it taken in or need to get a new one."

Kate's proud of the kid for being the bigger person here. Even she couldn't figure out how to break the tension.

"I need a dress too, if you think you'd be up for shopping?" she suggests, smiling as Alexis seems to relax.

"Yeah. Today?"

"I think," Kate agrees. "Your dad can write more, and we'll bring food home. Sound good, Castle?" He grunts and flips a pancake. "Castle?"

"Yes," he says, shooting them a sheepish look before focusing back on the food. "Sounds good."

"Maybe we should go to Saks," Alexis suggests, glancing pointedly at Castle.

Kate smirks. "Oh, yeah, they have that great section. I mean, it starts at about a thousand a dress, but that could work."

She notices Castle's movements falter.

"Definitely," Alexis says, winking at Kate. "And their shoe department. Did you know they have Jimmy Choo's in almost every color?"

"Really? I'm more of a Manolo Blahnik girl myself."

"I've still got dad's card from Friday, so we can go right after breakfast?" Alexis says, her voice light and airy.

"Perfect," Kate agrees. "And after, maybe we'll hit the summer collection. I saw this great bikini that I think would look amazing on you—"

Castle has stopped cooking at this point and is just gaping at her. Kate looks over and promptly bursts into laughter, Alexis giggling next to her.

"Oh, Castle, your _face_," she manages.

"You—I can't believe you—I know you have a foot fixation, Beckett, but that seems gluttonous even for—okay," he trails off, frowning as she and Alexis hold each other up. "See, this," he waves the spatula between them. "This is so not cool."

"We'll keep it simple," Alexis says around her laughter.

"And I'll pay for myself," Kate adds, raising an eyebrow as Castle goes to protest. "I'm not your sugar baby, Castle."

"I wasn't even suggesting," he grouses as he plates the pancakes. "Here's your breakfast," he adds, sliding them their food.

Kate manages to calm herself down as he sulks around to sit next to her. She glances at Alexis, but the kid is tucking heartily into her food. Kate smiles and looks back at Castle, raising her hand to card through the hair at the nape of his neck.

"Thank you, Rick," she says softly.

He turns at the use of his name, his face losing all of its discomfort. He smiles at her and leans in for a chaste kiss.

"I love you," he whispers as he pulls back.

"You too," she agrees, stroking his neck once before turning back to her food.

His foot finds her on the lower rung of her stool and she smiles into her pancakes, fighting a blush as Alexis gives her a sidelong look.

(…)

"Oh my god," she hears from inside the dressing room.

"What?" Kate wonders, leaning against the wall. She hasn't found anything that she wants to try just yet, but Alexis walked into the dressing area with an armful. Kate's content to wait, playing angry birds on her phone as Alexis tries them on.

"None of them fit," Alexis moans, unlocking the door and stepping out in a lovely green cocktail dress. It has a halter-top neckline, and Kate knows she has the perfect sweater to go over it for dinner after the ceremony.

Alexis turns around and Kate notices the gap between the teen's back at the zippered back of the dress.

"I can go grab a smaller one," Kate placates. "It's a great cut for you. What size?"

"This is a three," Alexis exclaims, spinning around to face her. "I'm going to need a two, and at that point, it probably won't even fit, because I'm gaining all of the weight back in my boobs!"

Kate withholds a snort and considers the girl. "We could just have it taken in," she suggests.

"I might as well wear the one I have then," Alexis says, her voice very close to a whine. "A two. I'm a size two," she continues, moving around Kate to go stand in front of the three-pronged mirror next to her changing room. She turns a few times, considering her profile.

"You've gained weight back," Kate begins softly, stepping up to lean against the side of the dressing stall as Alexis continues to twist back and forth.

Alexis sighs and turns to the side, looking at her stomach before she meets Kate's eyes. "I've never been big, but I was, you know, I wasn't like rail thin. And I wanted to lose weight but not…like this," she decides with a sigh. "I was supposed to struggle with college food and go to the gym with my friends, and have muscle. I just," she peters off and stares back at her reflection.

"How much have you gained?" Kate wonders.

"Six pounds. But I lost fifteen, and I'm trying, I _am_. But I just can't eat that much."

Kate nods in agreement. They've been eating well, and they've both put on weight, but three weeks with barely any food left them with shrunken stomachs. Their gluttonous dinners remain half-untouched. Of the group, Castle's gained back the most. He's still thinner than before, but he's closest to normal now.

"You look beautiful," Kate offers, gesturing to the dress. "And if you need a size two, get a size two."

"I should be happy," Alexis says, her hands curling and uncurling at her sides. "My friends would kill to be this small."

"Just because it's a small number doesn't mean it's right for you," Kate reminds her.

Oh, dear God, how small will she be? She was already down to size two and sometimes lower after the shooting. Her clothes are all too loose as it is.

"I thought I wanted this," Alexis says, looking slightly lost. "It's—I've always wanted to be this skinny. But now…"

"You didn't choose to do it," Kate completes.

"Yeah," Alexis agrees. "And it's like I—it feels like I owe it to him, or it's his fault, or just—it's just twisted up and bad."

Kate nods and reaches out to smooth her hand down the girl's hair, watching the way Alexis relaxes slightly at the gesture. "We can ask Roger to up your muscle building," she suggests.

Alexis grimaces but nods. "Yeah."

"And maybe we try to eat more smaller meals, up the nutritional fat."

"Okay," the girl says quietly.

"Do you want the smaller size?"

Alexis considers for a moment, then nods. "I'll try on the other one. Do you mind?"

"Not at all," Kate assures her, patting her shoulder before leaving the dressing area and heading back for the cocktail dresses. They did end up at Saks, but everything Alexis has tried on is completely reasonable. For Kate, she's happier with the emptiness of the store, strange for a Sunday. Then again, it's only 9:30am.

They were all up too early.

She wanders through the dresses, searching for the rack with Alexis' green dress. She nods to a sales assistant flitting through the section just before she finds the dress and lets out a triumphant 'ha.'

"Your daughter is beautiful," the assistant says, stopping by the rack as Kate searches for the correct size.

"Oh," Kate says, looking over at her, a nice looking kid, maybe 25 years old, with a low ponytail and tired eyes. "Thank you," she replies. What else is she supposed to say, really?

"Are you looking for something in particular?" the young woman—Meghan, going by the nametag—asks easily.

"Size two? I'm hoping it's not too small. The three is big."

Meghan nods and starts to rifle through with Kate until she pulls out the correct size. "Here you go," she says, handing it over. "She might look good in the blue as well. It's got a bigger bust line as well," she adds, pulling out a similar blue dress with cap sleeves.

Kate smiles and takes both dresses. "Thank you."

Meghan nods. "My pleasure. It's nice to have easy customers this early."

"We try," Kate agrees, before excusing herself and heading back to the changing room.

She finds Alexis standing in front of the mirror, wearing a grey spaghetti strap dress with a gentle skirt that flares around her knees.

"Pretty," Kate offers, hanging the dresses over the hook on the door. "Do you like it?"

Alexis shrugs. "It fits okay. But," she sighs and points to her clavicle. The bone is quite prominent.

"You know, that's considered very beautiful," Kate tells her. "Models would kill for those."

"You couldn't even see them before," Alexis replies. "At least not like this. And my face," she stares into the mirror. "I wanted to lose my baby face for years, but now…"

"You still have it," Kate assures her. "Your cheekbones are a bit more prominent, but you're still young, Alexis. Your face will change over time, but right now? You're still—forgive me for this—but you're still little, and you look it. In a good way."

Alexis meets her eyes in the mirror and plasters on a smile. "Think I could get into a club without being carded?"

Kate laughs and ushers her back into the changing stall. "Can you even drink?" she wonders as Alexis closes the door.

"Legally?"

"Well, no, obviously. But, have you ever had anything to drink?"

Alexis opens the door a crack and gives Kate a look. "Like I'm going to reveal that to a Detective," she says with a smirk before shutting the door.

Kate snorts. "Oh please. The number of things I haven't arrested your father for would put any underage drinking to shame."

Alexis laughs. "Touché."

Kate smiles and settles back against the wall. In fairness to Castle, half of his illegal activities were police based, and just shy of legal really. Montgomery never called him on it—illegal discharge of a firearm, breaking into police lockers, soliciting call girls.

"And I haven't," Alexis says, startling Kate as she emerges from the dressing room wearing the blue dress. "What do you think?"

Kate considers the dress. It hangs well off the girl's frame, not too tight in the bust, but nicely pinched in at the waist. The blue creates a great contrast with her hair and porcelain skin.

"You look beautiful," Kate tells her honestly.

"Do you think the green is better?" Alexis wonders, walking to consider her reflection.

"Are you more comfortable in this?" Kate asks. The green is a little less serious, a little more youthful, but she can see the way Alexis is relaxed in this dress. She can see how it hides a bit of her thinner figure, creates more prominence of her natural curves.

"I think so," Alexis decides. "This one."

"Great," Kate declares.

"Now we need to find one for you," Alexis says as she slips back into the stall. "I think dad's wearing black, if you want to match."

Kate laughs. "We're not going to a funeral," she offers. Matching with Castle—she may love the man, but that's too cutesy for her. Well—"Maybe if he has a colored tie or something."

"He would match his tie to your outfit, wouldn't he?" Alexis asks as she emerges, back in her jeans and loose purple blouse.

"I guess," Kate agrees, following her out of the changing room.

Alexis makes a beeline for the summer dresses. Kate follows dutifully and together they pass an amicable fifteen minutes, combing through the racks until Kate has a nice selection of tasteful, yet flattering dresses.

Minutes later, Kate finds herself in Alexis' changing room, seven dresses hanging from the back of the door. She sighs and slides out of her flats, turning away from the mirror as she undresses.

It's been a while since she's shopped for summer dresses. She can't really remember buying anything with a skirt this past year, other than her dress for Ryan's wedding. Before the shooting—before, she'd made a point of buying one every other month or so, took great pleasure in surprising Castle in them. But since, she hasn't had the…heart.

She shakes her head and slides the first dress off the hanger, a light green, knee-length full skirt number. She finagles herself into it and turns to the single mirror on the wall of the stall. The light is better in the changing area itself, but even without it, she can see how the dress doesn't sit quite right.

It's the right size, settled in the right way on her hips, but her stomach doesn't fill the body of it, and there's an unnatural gap between her armpits and the sleeves. She doesn't have the chest for her size anymore apparently.

She sighs and shimmies out of it, moving quickly to the next dress. Alexis didn't like the green one anyway. The next two fit the same way: poorly. She can tell the two after that will be the same just by the build. She growls and reaches for the sixth dress, a spaghetti strap sundress in a pretty purple that she adores. She doesn't give it much thought as she pulls it over her head, assuming that despite the color, this one will be just as ill-fitted to her bony body as the others.

But when she looks in the mirror, it fits perfectly. The narrow waist nips in more than the others have, fitting against her stomach and accentuating her curves. The bodice is snug around her breasts and the slight flare of the skirt only accentuates her long legs and small hips.

It looks perfect.

She smiles and steps out of the stall to find Alexis scrolling on her phone. The teen looks up at her and smiles.

"That's gorgeous," she says.

Kate watches as the girl's eyes dim after a moment. Kate steps up the lighted triple mirror.

The rough, pink circle of her ravaged bullet wound sits proud and prominent on her chest. Kate groans. It's too low. She hadn't noticed, but now it's all she can see. With a sinking feeling, she shifts, looking over her shoulder to see the tops of the first ten tally marks sticking over the low back of the dress.

"Damnit," she mumbles, spinning back, a hand raised over her scar.

"A sweater and cover-up?" Alexis suggests, stepping up to her.

Kate sighs. "The sweater, but really, do you think people won't notice even if it's beige?" she lifts her hand and together they stare at the wound on her chest.

If he hadn't—she'd come to terms with the bullet wound before their abduction. She'd decided that if someone was going to stare at it instead of her breasts, or better, her face, she could deal. But now…

He twisted the knife in a circle, made damn sure that the wound would sit wide, gnarled, and indelible on her skin, forever.

"Maybe if we put a bandaid over it, and covered that?" Alexis wonders. "Like a blister bandaid or something pretty clear?"

Kate shrugs. "Maybe."

Alexis ducks into the stall and pulls out the last dress, a high-necked pale purple lace dress. It's pretty, but a little showy for a high school graduation. Kate much prefers the one she's wearing.

But she can't wear this, can she?

She gives Alexis a forced smile and returns to the changing room. The last dress fits. It doesn't fit as well, and to Kate, all she can see is how she's covering everything—how the high back, the lace collar, the décolletage is a way to mask the damage.

But still, she buys it. She takes Alexis out to lunch and forces herself into a cheerier mood as they have chocolate cake for dessert. She plays at happy, because she can see Alexis is still struggling. How can she expect the teenager to stay positive about her body if Kate herself can't at least fake it?

She forges through and drags Alexis into a Barnes and Noble, and together they wind their way through the shelves, losing their worries to the call of new stories, better stories. Kate watches as Alexis confidently moves through the aisles, disappearing from view from time to time. They may be thin and marred, but Alexis is more comfortable than Kate's seen her so far.

By the time they leave, they each have a respectably heavy bag of books to go with their Saks bags. Kate notes that they look rather good, both of them in nice blouses with big sunglasses. It's very…urban of them, with the shopping bags and glasses, arms linked as they wander toward the 4/5/6 stop to avoid Grand Central.

"Do you have a meeting with Gates tomorrow?" Alexis asks as they wait at an intersection.

"I figured I'd go in and see her," Kate says, glancing at her. "Anything on tap for you?"

Alexis shrugs and glances up at the buildings as they make their way down the next block. "I thought I might go see Lanie later this week. Collect my winnings."

Kate smirks. "If I start back up, we can give you a ride." Alexis nods, looking pensive. "You okay?"

Alexis nods and meets her eyes. "This was good," she offers, lifting her shopping bags up. "I feel…a little more normal now."

Kate smirks. "Nothing like consumerism to make a girl feel better."

Alexis grins and points to the Macy's up the block. "We never did do shoes, you know."

Kate laughs and nods for her to lead the way. It's not like she's been spending money on groceries anyway. Or anything else, for that matter. She follows Alexis into the store, shaking her head at the realization that while he hasn't been showering her in gifts, Castle has basically taken away all the financial burdens she has outside of rent and utilities.

She vows to start paying for their take out more often. Alexis holds up a nude pump for her to consider. She'll pay for their take out, and pretend that the two hundred dollars she's about to drop on these shoes is totally and completely rational.

(…)

Her blazer is too big. She stands in his closet, staring at her reflection in the full length mirror. The blazer she packed is baggy. She's never had much of a bust, but the damn thing flaps over hers now.

She's been eating. She has.

But just like Alexis, she can't stomach that much, and now, without the teenager at her side to see it on her face, Kate lets herself crumble.

She rips the blazer from her body and tosses it back onto her suitcase in the corner of the walk-in. She stares at her reflection, standing there in a tee shirt and baggy skinny jeans. She's wearing a belt, for God's sake. She never needs a belt. The pants are usually practically plastered to her skin, and she likes it that way.

Because before, she was a size two, and she was healthy. It was a good weight on her. She's always been on the light end of healthy, but she'd worked hard to get back to that after her shooting. She'd only hit her goal weight a month before they were abducted.

And now, now the tee shirt she wears is loose, the pants belted on. Even her feet look more bony than they did before. She groans and strips off the tee shirt. She needs to shower anyway.

She watches as she pulls off her pants, removes her bra. She can still see her ribs, the bones in her shoulders. Alexis thinks her collar bones are prominent. Kate's hipbones could poke an eye out. Standing there bare in front of the mirror, she looks like a skeleton.

God, how can Castle even touch her?

For that matter, forget the bones. She zeros in on the scars and feels tears pricking at her eyes. She turns and considers her back. The scars are almost beige now, sitting in that slight-pink state they'll sport for at least a few months, if she remembers well enough.

How can he focus on anything but her scars? How can he bear to touch her when her bones practically poke through her skin?

She stares herself down and promptly spins around, stalking out of the closet and across the room. She bangs open the door to the bathroom and flicks on the lights, blinking hard. She can't look at herself anymore.

She reaches into the shower and turns it on to scalding, stepping in without an ounce of hesitation.

It burns. The water slams against her body, but she grits her teeth, relishes the sting of it. Maybe if she just stands in it for long enough, the scars will melt away and leave her back at where she should be—back with her little curves and her fuller breasts and her body. She wants her body back.

She closes her eyes and just stands in the water, the burn slowly fading into a pounding pleasure against her back. She doesn't even hear the shower door open.

"Shit!"

She spins around, squinting through the steam that clouds the stall and the bathroom beyond it. She watches as a very naked Castle fumbles with the shower controls, feels the water decrease in temperature.

It feels almost cool after a moment. She looks down and finds her hands are red and splotchy. She imagines she must look like a tomato.

"What the hell are you doing?" Castle gets out, walking up to her, the water cascading down around him until his back catches the stream, blocking her from it. "You—are you okay?"

She licks her lips, suddenly parched and a bit light headed. "I'm fine," she manages.

He reaches out and tentatively runs his hands down her arms. "You're on fire."

"I'm fine," she repeats, shaking him off and curling in on herself.

Now she's thin and scarred and bright red.

He watches her for a moment before reaching out again, his hand curling around her own. "Kate," he says softly.

She doesn't know what to say, how to explain. She doesn't know if she even wants to explain. She's naked, and scarred, and rail thin, and just…ugly. She's ugly. She doesn't want to look at herself, so why should he?

She goes to step around him, but he catches her, wraps her into his chest and holds on tight. She doesn't struggle, but doesn't embrace him back.

"What's wrong?" he asks the top of her head.

He—last night, just last night, he said she was beautiful, and she believed him. But tonight, she can't reclaim that, can't let the words seep under her skin and settle there. She isn't beautiful. Even her face isn't beautiful anymore. It's marred. She is marred, and she doesn't know what to say.

She feels herself growing faint as he holds her, the steam and heat and forced dehydration suddenly too much.

"Castle," she mumbles.

"What?" he replies, gentle, his hands skimming over her back, over all of those scars.

Her legs shake.

"Castle," she insists. "Out. Have to…get out," she forces through.

"Oh," he says, quickly shutting off the water and nearly hauling her out of the shower. He wraps a towel around her then pushes her out of the bathroom.

She shivers violently, assaulted by the cold air in the bedroom. Steam billows out of the bathroom behind them. Castle keeps his hands on her shoulders as she stumbles. He guides her over to the bed and cajoles her into lying down.

She realizes idly that she's soaking his pillow through, her hair sopping wet, her legs still covered in water. He pulls the towel open and strokes her forehead. His own towel is tied hastily at his waist. She raises an arm and stares at her skin, where it's still blotchy and red.

"Let me get you some water," he says, disappearing from her side.

She focuses on breathing, the world spinning slightly even as she lays there, her heart galloping.

She—she nearly made herself faint, in the _shower_.

God, she's pathetic.

What must he think of her, finding her like that? A small part of her brain reminds her of the numerous times this past year that she's done exactly this, only there was no one to bear witness to her lying on her bedroom floor, naked and wet, having fainted on her way out of the bathroom.

There was no one to appear at her side with water, no one to help her lean up to gulp it down. No one to settle at her hip and hold her hand.

His eyes don't stray down her body. They don't take advantage of her nudity, on display because she can barely move, paralyzed with the heat and her weakness.

"What the hell happened?" he asks after a few minutes.

She looks up at him, just sitting there in a towel, holding her hand as she cools down.

"I…kind of panicked," she offers meekly.

He opens his mouth a few times, staring at her face. "About what?" he finally asks, his voice a very controlled version of concerned.

Kate pulls her hand away, gingerly shifting so she can at least sit up to look at him. The world is still spinning, her stomach still turning, but she can do this. She can sit up and talk to her boyfriend.

"I'm," she pauses. He won't like the word ugly. "I look different," she says.

"Different?"

She shrugs. "Thin, scarred. I'm—I got upset, and thought a shower would help."

He blinks at her. "And the scalding water?"

"I didn't notice," Kate admits. She did, but then she chose not to.

It's self-destructive. She knows that. Burke's told her enough times.

This is the first time she's done it since just before Christmas.

"I—Kate, I don't know how to—"

She shakes her head, wincing as the whole world cants left for a moment. When it rights itself, she takes a deep breath. "I freaked out, Castle. Don't worry about it."

"Don't—you almost fainted," he protests, looking angry and concerned and still—still so very in love with her.

Kate reaches out and takes back his hand. "I—I looked in the mirror, and what I saw horrified me, and I just didn't want to think about it, or see it anymore. So I tried to forget," she admits. "I won't do it again."

"It's not—that makes it sounds like I'm, I don't know, scolding you or something," he says, peering at her. "I'm not. I just—what upset you enough for that?"

"Look at me," she lets out, yanking her hand and from his and gesturing down her body. "I'm—Castle, you're an amazing man, but even you can't—_look_ at me."

"I am," he promises. "And what I see is my gorgeous girlfriend, red and splotchy because she tried to fry herself alive in my shower."

Kate huffs. "That's being a little—"

"Dramatic?" he offers, raising an eyebrow. "If you'd found me like that, what would you have done?"

Kate sighs and reaches up to rub at her cheek. Her scar feels strange. Her pores all opened and are now constricting with the cold. All of her scars feel weird and tight.

"I'd have pulled you out and gotten you water and felt…whatever you are right now," she admits. "Could you grab the lotion?" she continues, her voice soft.

This morning, she was able to shield him from her nightmare. But now she wishes she'd just cried on him or something. Anything would be better than the look he gives her as he returns with the lotion.

He looks at her like she's fragile.

She is, she knows. But she—she ran away so he wouldn't look at her like this. She caused him so much pain, and now he's looking at her like this anyway.

She reaches out but he shakes his head, squeezing a dollop onto his hands and rubbing them together. He tentatively stretches out his arms, waiting for her slight nod before smoothing his palms across her stomach.

She flinches at the cold of his hands and he pauses. "It's fine," she whispers, trying to give him something.

She may have nearly collapsed in the shower, but she's not having flashbacks from his touch.

She thinks maybe that would be easier for him to deal with than this—than finding her behaving so strangely. She doesn't know how to fix it, but she can try, can't she?

"I was almost used to them," she starts, noting the way he pauses for a millisecond before continuing his sure, rhythmic caresses across the spider web of scars on her stomach.

"The scars," she explains. "I—before Tyson, I could look at the bullet wound and the incision site. I could wear tank tops and things."

"I know," he agrees gruffly.

"And I—I wished you had seen me before the shooting, but I was—I felt confident about what you'd see when we got there. I looked how I wanted to look."

"You're beautiful," he says, glancing to meet her eyes. "Kate, you do know that, don't you?"

She gives him a tired smile. "I did."

"But you—"

"I'm emaciated," she says, stopping him mid protest. "You can see my bones. You can feel them. And the scars—do you know how many dresses I had to try on today? How am I ever going to wear a bathing suit? Or hell, I need to buy all new undershirts. The bullet wound rises over all of them now. I—" she breaks off and scrubs at her face, wincing as she catches her palm on the scar across her cheek again.

Castle raises his hand and wipes a small dab of cream across the scar, rubbing it in with his thumb. He catches a tear as it escapes and scoots closer to her.

"You're beautiful," he insists. "You are."

"I'm not," Kate rebuffs. "I'm—that you—I love you for that," she gets out. "But I'm not. I'm—"

"Healing," he gets in, before she can find the right adjective. "You have more marks than you did," he agrees. "But they don't make you less beautiful. A—a—a scarred mustang is still a mustang, isn't it?"

She blinks. "A car. You're comparing me to—"

"A diamond covered in coal dust is still a diamond."

She stares at him. This is…not really making her feel better.

"You're you," he stumbles out. "I'm not saying what I—the scars don't change your shape. This," he caresses her cheek. "Doesn't make your face less stunning. God, do you have any idea what just a look can do to me?"

Kate cuts her eyes from his, unable to take the desperation in his gaze. She didn't mean to upset him. She was just trying to explain. She certainly didn't mean to make him so flustered that he's using bad car metaphors.

"You're thinner than you were because you were starved. The scars will fade with time, and you'll get back to a healthy weight. But you're still gorgeous. Kate," he insists, waiting until she meets his eyes. "You're _beautiful_."

She shakes her head against his palm. "I love you, Castle," she manages.

"You don't believe me," he deduces, his face falling. "You—"

"That you think I'm beautiful is—is amazing," she tells him. "And it's enough."

"No, it's—"

"For now," she concedes, desperate to make him stop looking at her like she's destroying everything he's ever held dear—like she's breaking his heart into pieces. "For now, it's enough. I got over it once. I'll—I'll believe you, someday."

She doesn't really think she will, but maybe if she says it enough.

"Just…promise me you'll get me if you feel like breaking the mirror. Or, you know what, just break the mirror next time," he says, dropping his hand to smooth the lotion into her bullet wound. He focuses on his hand. "Don't hurt yourself to forget what he did."

Kate reaches out and touches his cheek, lifting his eyes to hers. "I didn't mean to hurt myself," she tells him. She didn't. She wanted to forget. The idea that she'd overheat didn't occur to her. "I don't hurt myself."

He eyes her dubiously. "There's," he starts, then stops, considering her.

"Go on," she prompts gently. She can tell he's unsure if she'll like what he's about to say. She probably won't, but he should be able to say it, regardless.

"You don't have to be bleeding to be hurting yourself," he says softly.

She was right. That hurts. "I know," she agrees. "I'll try, Castle. I promise not to pass out in your shower, at any rate."

"I want this to be easier," he admits, tugging on her hand until she shifts forward from the pillows. He pulls her in to rest against his chest, spreading more lotion on his hands.

She buries her face in his shoulder as he smoothes the cream over her back. Last night, he loved her body, pressed himself as close and deep as he could, and it was wonderful. But tonight, with his hands on her back, over her scars, caring for her, healing her, he worships her.

She raises a hand to cup the back of his head, pressing her lips to his skin. "I'm sorry," she whispers. "I'll try harder."

He pushes her back to catch her eyes. "No," he says. "You're—you're trying so hard. I see you trying. I meant that I want this to be easier for you. I want—I want you to love yourself as much as I love you."

She lets out a gasping laugh at that. "I—"

Love herself. Has she ever? She loved her mother, she loves her father. She loves Castle, loves Alexis. But herself—she is flawed, and hurting, broken and healing and trying so very, very hard to be okay.

He smiles at her, a cracking thing. "Someday."

She breathes out. She'll try. For him, she'll try.

"Okay," she promises. "Someday."


	18. Chapter 18

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 18:**

"How are you, Detective?"

Kate considers her boss across the woman's desk. The precinct feels the same as ever, bustling and teeming with energy. She feels the pull more strongly than she did last week. And yet…

"I'm all right," Kate offers, her hands resting limply in her lap.

She doesn't seem to have the energy to fidget, though she slept well enough, held tight to Castle's chest.

"Mr. Castle, Alexis? How are they?"

Gates doesn't seem to judge. Her face is open, and Kate feels she must be genuinely curious. She may even care.

That's being uncharitable. Kate knows she cares about Castle, despite how often he may grate on her nerves. And though she's tough to read, Kate is willing to bet that Gates has a particular soft spot for the man's daughter.

Few people don't.

"Castle's doing well. Alexis is adjusting." Kate waivers for a moment. Who else is she going to ask about this? Burke. She could ask Burke. She's meeting Castle and Alexis there anyway. There's absolutely no reason to ask her boss, her very prickly boss—

"How is she, really?" Gates asks softly.

Kate deflates. She wonders if maybe it shows on her face. "She's struggling," Kate admits. "I—I have trouble, not being able to see her, but she's more—

separation anxiety is all that comes to mind, but she's not a toddler."

Gates gives her an understanding smile. She never thought she'd see one of those on Iron Gates. "I think it's perfectly understandable," she tells Kate, relaxing in her chair.

"I do too," Kate hastens to agree. "I do. I just—I don't know how to help her. I need to come back."

"That you do," Gates agrees. "But perhaps give it the next two days, and start with a half on Thursday? We'll keep you off call for the next week or so."  
Kate blinks. "I—Sir, that sounds wonderful, but—"

"No buts," Gates says with a decisive shake of her head. "I'd much rather work around your schedule for this than something else, Detective. Dr. Parish adores that girl, and I can tell your fellow detectives feel quite the same. If only Mr. Castle had her good sense."

Kate can't help but laugh quietly at that. "I'll be sure to tell him you prefer Little Castle, Sir."

Gates smirks at her. "Thank you. I'll see you on Thursday, Detective."

"Yes, Sir," Kate says, standing and making her way to the door with a grateful smile. "I'll have my requalification to you tomorrow."

Gates nods and shoos her out of the room, already turning back to her paperwork. Kate stops at her desk on her way out, running her fingers over the line of elephants. She smiles, noticing the rings by her keyboard, twin marks from hers and Castle's coffee cups. The circles barely touch, but she sees it—the indelible mark of his presence on her life here.

His chair is still by her desk, the whole set-up virtually untouched, but dusted, as if someone has come every few days and brushed it off. It's like she's never really left.

She sighs and glances back at Ryan and Esposito's empty desks. They're out on a case. Their white board calls to her, her fingers itching for clues, evidence, the chase. But she dials it back, forces herself out and into the elevator. She has a therapy appointment to get to, a good night's rest to get before her requalification tomorrow.

There wasn't even an investigation for Tyson. He was dead. They took her word. The marks on her back, Alexis' testimony—there was no contest. His death was an act of pure self defense.

She hasn't asked Alexis what it was like to give testimony. She has a feeling that Ryan and Esposito allowed her to give the bare basics and left it at that. Kate hazily remembers giving her statement to Esposito when he returned her phone, vaguely recalls the look of utter horror on his face. She had to tell him about each and every injury, give a detailed account of their twenty days in captivity.

She's glad it wasn't Ryan, actually. Esposito's near stoicism made it possible for her to get through it. Sometimes she feels Ryan's eyes are too soft, too understanding.

She didn't think she'd ever known someone with more sympathetic eyes, until she met Castle. It's why she's still never told him everything. She can't face it. But he sees her scars, so she doesn't have to. She should ask Alexis what she's told him.

There are a lot of shoulds.

All she knows is that she needs advice on acclimating Alexis to her work schedule, needs to discuss her living situation, needs…perspective that she can't find for herself. She doesn't know how teenagers are supposed to be. Who's to say Alexis is being all that clingy, really?

She finds herself at Burke's office, seemingly by accident. She's been lost in thought, perhaps dangerously so. It's a good thing she gets a half-day on Thursday, a good thing she'll be on normal hours. She's not aware right now. She needs to be vigilant, and there's the grand possibility that in getting here she crossed numerous intersections without looking.

Castle glances up as she walks into the office, his iPad in hand. She can just see the screen for Angry Birds.

"Hey," he says, giving her a wide smile.

"Hey," she replies, flopping into the seat next to him as she rubs at her forehead.

"You okay?"

She shrugs and lets herself curl into his shoulder, resting her head on the soft material of his sweater. He's dressed casually today for the unseasonably chilly air. His vee-neck sweater is plush beneath her cheek and she sighs, wrapping her arm through his.

"Tired," she admits, looking at the screen of the tablet. "You gonna keep playing?"

He turns his head and presses his lips to her crown. "How was Gates?" he asks, almost casual as he taps to get to the next level.

"I'll start with a half on Thursday, and keep normal hours through next week. Following Monday, I'll be on call."

"Really?" he asks, turning as he releases a bird too early.

Kate laughs, watching as it falls off screen. "Really," she agrees, meeting his eyes. "Just to…make it more normal."

He nods, considering her. "Do you want me to come on Thursday?"

Does she want him to come? Of course.

Before she can think of something to say, a way to explain, the door to Burke's office opens and Alexis steps out, her eyes puffy and nose red. She smiles tiredly at Burke.

"I'll see you Wednesday," Burke tells her. "Kate? Whenever you're ready."

He leaves the door to the office open. Alexis begins to head for the bathroom. Kate places a hand on Castle's arm as he goes to follow after her. "She'll be fine. Hug her for me, if she'll let you?" she says.

He nods, giving her a grimace as she walks into Burke's office.

She wants Castle to go with her on Thursday, but she can't let him. She's not sure when Alexis will be ready to be home alone. But somehow, it doesn't seem like it will be this week.

"How's Alexis?" she asks as soon as she sits down.

Burke gives her a look.

"Seriously? I—I'm worried about her. I'm supposed to start back at work on Thursday, and I just…" she trails off, waiting hopefully. She know there's doctor-patient confidentiality here. Alexis is over eighteen. And for that matter, Kate isn't her mother, but still—

"She's struggling," Burke admits. "I'm sure you know."

"I do," Kate agrees quickly. "But I want—can you help me? I have to go back to work, and I know it's hard for her, not having me there."

"And for you?"

She blinks, unprepared for the question.

"How do you feel, being away from her?"

"I—" she starts. How does she feel?

Anxious. Unsettled. Weird.

She feels weird.

She's gone from alone and hurting to suddenly having a family. She's living at the loft for all intents and purposes, and Alexis Castle frequently calls her her stepmother.

"I don't like it," she decides.

"You don't like being away from her."

"No," Kate agrees. "I don't. Makes me tense. But I can do it. I have, already. And I know it'll get easier. But I'm—this has been harder for her, I think."

Burke considers her. "And the issue we discussed last week?"

Kate blushes and twists her hands together. "We've made progress there. I'm hoping to make more as time goes on."

"That's good," he says, smiling at her.

Kate nods. "But see, that's it. For me, it's about overcoming a sexual trauma, and that involves…sex. For her—there's nothing positive about this. She doesn't get a reward for taking big steps. She just has to take them."

"And you remember what that's like," Burke completes for her.

Kate pauses. "I—no, I really don't," she argues. "The first three months, yes, but I was alone at the cabin. I didn't have to worry about going out or making speeches or making my dad comfortable. And when I came back, everything I did, every step I took was—I got Castle back."

"Are you saying you healed for Castle?"

She sighs. "No. I'm just—he was there for every step, and the better I got, the better it felt. I healed and I got to be in love with him. She heals, and what?"

"And she heals," Burke says gently. "She's going to college in the fall. There's a lot for her to look forward to."

"I know," Kate lets out, feeling clumsy and inarticulate. "I just—I don't know how to feel better about how bad she feels I just…worry, I guess."

Burke considers her for a moment. "May I make a potentially unpleasant observation."

Kate cringes. "Sure."

He laughs. "Not like that. The first time you came in together, you told her that you're her stepmother. It's your job to worry about her."

Kate opens her mouth, fishing for a response. "So you're telling me there's no cure?" she finally gets out. "I—step into that role, and I just worry about her for the rest of my life, no stopping it?"

Burke smiles, just smiles.

"Damn," she mumbles.

He laughs again. "And you get to see her grow up, give her speech, go to school, fall in love. Unfortunately, that worry is the price of parenthood."

"But," she lets out. "But this is—but this is different?"

"How so?" he asks.

"I—I don't know," Kate admits. "I just want her to be better, happier. I want to make that happen, and I know I can't. It's just hard to watch her struggle. She shouldn't have to struggle."

Burke nods. "I agree. What happened to her, what happened to both of you, is tragic and terrible. But you're both climbing back. It's slow, but it's there, and eventually, both of you will be okay again."

"Why is it harder to watch her go through this than it is to go through it myself?" Kate lets out, pressing a hand to her mouth immediately after.

Burke raises an eyebrow.

"Stepmother, right," Kate mutters.

"And how is it, going through this, for you?"

She sighs and settles in, girding herself to discuss her latest body image issues, her paranoia, her worry about reacclimating to the precinct. She can fix herself. She knows how. She just wants to fix Alexis, and it's so much more difficult than she thought that she can't do just that.

(…)

"Ugh."

A small white ball sails past her shins as Kate walks out of Castle's office the next morning. She watches as it skitters across the floor in the direction of the kitchen. She turns and finds Alexis sitting at the table by the piano, a notebook open in front of her. She runs a hand agitatedly through her hair and frowns down at the paper.

"Writer's block?" Kate asks, walking over to plop down in the opposite seat.

Alexis groans and shoves the notebook into the middle of the table before resting her chin petulantly in her hand. "This sucks."

"Speech?"

Alexis grunts. "I haven't even really been in school this semester. And they want me to give this…eulogy for high school and talk about the bright future and I'm—I'm stuck."

"Eulogy?" Kate wonders, interested. She's never considered a valedictory address that way, but it is a goodbye—vale in Latin and all that.

"It's the end of something," Alexis says quietly. "And I don't—I feel like I—whatever it was, whatever I had in high school ended with Tyson. Does that make sense?"

Kate considers her, feeling the heavy weight of the answer settle over them. "Innocence?"

Alexis nods. "Whatever was left. I mean, I've seen some things at parties."

"You've seen some things," Kate lets out, laughing a little. "Sorry," she adds as Alexis looks up at her.

But the girl smiles. "Okay, maybe that's dramatic. I haven't seen anyone do a line of coke off a dead stripper or anything."

"Oh my God, Alexis, what are you watching on Netflix?"

The girl laughs, her eyes brightening. "You know what I mean."

"I do," Kate agrees. "There's still innocence left to lose though, you know?"

Alexis narrows her eyes. "Are you about to give me the talk?"

"No," Kate says quickly. "No. No. I meant—so you lost your innocence and now the speech is hard?"

Alexis smirks at bit at her discomfort but nods. "Yeah. Something like that. I just feel like I have nothing to say."

"How long have you been at this?" Kate asks, glancing toward the kitchen, where there are at least four more balls of crumpled paper. It's early yet. She still has to head to the precinct, requalify so she's legally allowed to fire her service piece tomorrow, if she needs it.

"Maybe two hours?"

"I need to eat something. Break for breakfast?" She's got nothing constructive to offer the kid. She may as well feed her.

"Dad still sleeping?"

"Writing," Kate replies as she kicks the balls of paper over into the kitchen and stoops to pick them up. She places them on the counter then reaches into the fridge.

"Pancakes?"

Alexis shrugs, sliding onto one of the stools.

"French Toast, waffles, omelets, baked eggs, bellinis, crepes?"

"You can make crepes?" Alexis asks.

Kate blinks. "No. I'm sure we could Youtube it?"

Alexis laughs and reaches out for an apple from the fruit bowl. "Oatmeal would be nice."

"Just oatmeal?" Kate says, reaching up to grab the box. "Nothing else?"

Alexis gives her a look, surprisingly knowing for eight in the morning. "You do realize when you go back to work, no one's going to make me three course breakfasts."

Damn. "Maybe…I like cooking breakfast. And your dad makes breakfast."

"Yeah, he does," Alexis agrees. "But not Sunday breakfast, every day."

"This isn't Sunday breakfast. It's oatmeal," Kate protests.

So she's been coddling Alexis a little. But she _does_ like making breakfast like this, and it's been nice to get to have a group meal at the start of the day, and before long the kid will be in college…

Oh God, she sounds like her mother.

Oh, she sounds like…

"You okay?"

Kate startles and finds Castle standing behind Alexis.

"Yeah," Kate says quickly. "Yeah. Oatmeal?"

"Just oatmeal?" Castle whines.

Alexis elbows him in the stomach. "See, you spoiled him," she chides.

Kate rolls her eyes and goes about making enough for the three of them. She's sure Martha will either sleep in, or is already gone.

"Can we at least have bacon?" Castle asks, plopping down next to his daughter and resting his chin in his hands, lip out.

"If you want to make it," Kate says, shaking her head as he pops up and scurries around her. "And fruit too, if we're doing this."

"Why?" he mumbles, emerging from the fridge with the bacon.

"Because…balanced meals? I don't know, Castle, just cut up a cantaloupe."

Alexis snickers at the counter and Kate hides a smile. Castle goes about cooking next to her, his hip bumping hers. It's very normal, very familial.

It makes her wish she didn't have to go to the shooting range later in the morning—makes her wish she maybe wasn't going back on Thursday.

(…)

She stares down at the gun in her hand. She feels at once more complete and utterly foreign. It's been nearly four weeks since she's fired a gun. The last time she did, she killed a man. Left him like a dying animal to bleed to death in a dungeon cell.

She feels an angry smile pulling at her face and blows out a breath.

She left him there to die, and she's proud of it.

She shakes her head and widens her stance, brings the gun up, gauntlets her right hand with her left. She pulls the trigger, the bang loud and dark as the bullet explodes from the muzzle. It hits dead center, a perfect shot.

Kate shakes and fires again. And again. And again.

She empties her clip and numbly reloads, loosing the bullets in a matter of seconds. They all fly straight and true. The target looks just as it did last fall. But this time, instead of the blind determination that subdued the shivers wracking her frame, she slides to the floor, bracing her back on the partition between targets. She locks the safety on the empty gun and shoves it away, curling in on herself.

There's no one around, and Javi promised she'd be alone for the hour. She'd found it odd at the time. Now she's grateful.

She curls her hands together, squeezing her eyes shut. It's not the cemetery that flits through her mind this year. It's Tyson with his gun trained on Alexis as he slices her skin. It's Tyson with his gun trained on Alexis as he slaps her face. It's Tyson with his gun trained on Alexis, Alexis, Alexis each and every time. And each time, Kate does nothing.

She forces herself to breathe. It's not a flashback. It's not even sensical. Here, she has power. Here, she has agency.

Alexis is at home with Castle. Alexis is safe, so very safe.

No one's in danger, and she just shot her target with deft accuracy. She's requalified. She's fine.

She lets her head fall back. She's fine. She's requalified. She can go back to work.

She rubs her fists against her eyes hard enough for spots of color to burst behind her eyelids. She doesn't want to go back.

She drops her hands and stares straight ahead.

She doesn't want to go back.

She just…doesn't.

She takes deep breaths, lets the thoughts swirl until she feels calmer. Just like Burke said, she waits for her mind to settle before letting that realization come to the forefront again. She doesn't need to panic. She can be rational about this.

She scoffs, the sound loud throughout her head. She reaches up and pulls off her earphones. The room hums to life, the sounds of air conditioning and the faulty light at the corner of the room swarming around her.

This isn't rational. Detective or not, she was abducted. Her vast arsenal of investigative skills got them nothing for three long weeks. She's lucky they made it out alive. Her sparring skills earned her a nearly dislocated hip and a damaged abdominal muscle. Her steel demeanor only got her more pain.

Nothing about her career had an effect on that experience, save for the parting shot she left—the shot that secured their safety.

She groans, her heart still beating fast and hard against her ribcage. No, she's wrong. Her police training saved them. Why, then, does she not want to go back? She wanted to go back yesterday. At least, she thought she did.

Her cell buzzes and she jolts.

She didn't even turn that off before she started shooting?

She pulls it out of her pocket with clumsy fingers and looks down at the screen.

_We need more marshmallows_.

She stares and shakes her head. They had oatmeal and bacon for breakfast, and the man probably conned Alexis into something ridiculous like smores from his enormous fire place before noon.

She smiles. That actually sounds nice. Mid-day, mid-spring smores.

She looks back up at the cement wall and latticed metal work of the firing range. There are no mid-day smores as a homicide detective. Mid-day coffee, that's for sure. Sometimes there's candy. Often times there's too much sugar and too little protein and that throbbing pain above her right eye when Castle forgets to refill her cup.

She sighs.

She may not want to go back to work, but she has to. Hiding out and building forts and making giant breakfasts can't sustain her forever. At some point, Alexis will find her cloying, and she'll grow bored of watching Castle pretend to write. She knows she would, knows that she can't just…give everything up to sit around the loft and whittle away the summer until Alexis goes to college. She can't take that long to heal.

She stands with a lost sense of resolution and clicks the lever to bring her target back. She takes the paper and folds it gently, watching the creases form beneath her fingers.

She can shoot a man. That hasn't changed.

She's just not sure she wants to have the option again.

What would it be like, to know that she'd never have to raise a gun to anyone, to save herself, or Castle, or Espo, or Ryan, again?

She shivers. If she hadn't killed Tyson, they wouldn't' t have gotten out.

Even if she doesn't want to, there are people in the world who depend on her job, on her.

Maybe once she starts back at work, that'll be enough.

(…)

"What are you doing?"

Kate turns, halfway through a lap of the bedroom the next night. Her legs feel slightly unsteady beneath her, feet comfortably tucked into her new heels. Her back aches, and she can feel her newly healed hip muscle starting to protest.

As much as she's loathe to admit, Castle's interruption is well timed. She sighs and toes off the shoes, kicking them toward the closet as Castle watches, leaning in the doorway from the office.

"Practicing?" he wonders.

"Yeah," she agrees, taking a few steps to sink onto the edge of his bed.

Her hip is really sore. She'd wanted to stride into the precinct, power heels on, head held high—thought that maybe with the heels, she'd feel a bit more like herself. Roger warned her that she wouldn't be able to wear them for another few weeks. She just didn't want to believe him.

She rubs grumpily at her hip and Castle smiles, walking over to sit down beside her. He scoots back and beckons her to follow, turning her until he can massage the sore muscle for her, his chest warm and solid beneath her cheek.

"You'll get there," he says.

"I know," she says quickly. She feels him huff at her tone. "I know," she repeats, softer. "I just…I don't like working without them."

"I've always wondered, is it the height? The feel? The potential for broken ankles?"

She swats at his chest even as she groans as his fingers manage to loosen the cramping muscle. "The height," she admits, happy he can't see her face.

"You're already tall."

"Not as tall as you." He hums at that. "Being your height makes me taller than most criminals, or at least on equal footing."

"And the ankle breaking?"

"I've yet to—" He releases her hip and mashes his fingers to her lips. She nips at them in retaliation and he grunts.

"Don't jinx yourself, Beckett," he grumbles.

She rolls her eyes but presses a kiss to the pads of his fingers before moving his hand back to her hip. He has magic fingers.

"I'm careful," she insists. "And I can run faster than you even in heels."

"I'm not saying I don't love the heels," he says quickly. Ah, she did sound a little snippy there, didn't she? "Because I _love_ the heels." She laughs quietly. "Just…don't push too hard to get into them. It's nice to be able to curl up with you."

She smiles against his chest and reaches up to run her fingertips along his throat. "I'll do my best," she promises, feeling her eyes fluttering as she sinks into him.

"You're gonna fall asleep, aren't you?" he whispers.

He's a good pillow, and his hands are so lovely, and she is comfortable, it's true. Even so. "No, but stay?"

"Of course," he murmurs, grabbing the throw blanket with his toe and maneuvering it up over them. "You okay?"

She shrugs against him. She doesn't want to go back to work. All through dinner with Alexis, through their movie afterward, she didn't want to go back. She wants to stay here, right here, with Castle and Alexis, safe against the world.

"How was requalifying yesterday? I forgot to ask."

More like she hadn't wanted to discuss it. "Good," she says, closing her eyes and sinking into him. "Straight shots, both rounds."

"No surprise," he murmurs. "Did you see the guys?"

"No. Just left it with Gates. My gun is in the safe."

She can practically feel his smile radiating out to her. "Hot."

She snorts and presses against his chest. He digs at her hip in response and she groans, the muscle finally giving way. She curls her hand into his shirt, the fabric pulling taught beneath her head.

"Kate?"

She squeezes her eyes shut against the press of unbidden tears, confused and tired all of a sudden. Heavy—she feels so heavy.

"Beckett?"

"I'm fine," she gives him, releasing her fist to rub his chest. "Just—tense."

"About going back," he surmises.

She nods against him. "Wasn't much easier last time." He hums in response and she shakes her head. "No, it was," she decides.

"Really?"

"It was all I had," she admits. "It was go back or languish in my dad's cabin for another few weeks. It—well, it didn't actually at the time, but I thought it meant getting you back."

His hands press against her and she can hear the hitch in his breathing.

"My fault," she adds. "But now it's just—you should stay home this week."

"What?" he lets out, stiffening under her.

"For Alexis," Kate explains, arching up to meet his eyes. "I'm only working one and a half days anyway. I'll probably be stuck with paperwork. You'll be bored."

He considers her and she sees it all passing through his eyes—disappointment, petulance, paternal responsibility, love, want. She sees everything she feels reflected back at her.

"She needs her dad," Kate offers softly.

He sighs and sits up, tugging her with him. "She needs her…you, more than she needs me most days."

Kate reaches out and cards her fingers through his hair, righting the patches that have stuck up from their cuddle. "I can't stay. But you can. Take her out. Go to a museum. Spend a Castle day. You guys should. I've been here the whole—"

He stops her words with the fast press of his lips. "Thank you, for being here," he gets out as he breaks from her mouth, stealing across her face, leaving kisses on her cheeks, her forehead, her eyelids. "Don't leave."

She sucks in a breath and blinks her eyes open to find his wide and searching, his mouth gone slack. She can't help but laugh slightly at the panic plain as day on his face.

"Not going anywhere but to work right now," she tells him, stroking her fingers down his face.

He swallows and she can see him shuttering it away, forcing back words for more and requests for promises they're not ready for just yet.

She thinks she'd say yes, if he asked her to stay forever.

She knows it's not time yet, even if she hasn't spent a night apart from him in weeks and sees no such night in the imminent future.

She can't promise forever just yet, but she can promise for now. She doesn't want to go back, to be parted from this little strange family they've formed. At least coming home here will bring her back to them each night.

She couldn't leave now. There's just no way.

(…)

_ "Momma?"_

_ Kate watches as Castle stumbles out of his room, a hand scraping down his face thick with scruff. He shuffles across the living room toward the plaintive call from the bottom of the stairs. He looks young and unmoored._

_ "Alexis, baby, why are you up?" he murmurs, crouching down to take the little girl's hands. _

_ "Momma left," Alexis replies, her lip trembling, tears running hot down her little cheeks._

_ "No, no, sweetie, she's—" Castle looks around, blinking. "She's," he repeats, seeming to realize something. "Kate?"_

_ She lurches forward, but can't seem to move from her vantage at the door. She looks down, but there's no body to see._

_ "I'm here," she tries to call out, but nothing comes._

_ "She said goodbye and walked out," Alexis tells him, a hiccough wracking her four-year-old frame. "I—I asked her not to go."_

_ "Kate," Castle calls out, louder, glancing back and forth from Alexis' little face to the office, the living room, the kitchen._

_ "She's gone, daddy," Alexis whispers, before launching herself at his chest. He's bowled backward on impact, sliding across the floor as he wraps his daughter up in his arms. "Why's she gone?"_

_ Castle swallows hard, his head bowed over Alexis', clutching at her little body. "I—I don't know, sweetheart."_

_ "I want her back," Alexis mumbles. "I want momma."_

_ Castle nods against her head._

_ "I'm—" Kate tries. She can't move. She can't walk forward toward her family, can't sink down to take her little girl into her arms. Castle—Castle will have to do this all alone now._

She wakes with a start, jolting upright in bed. She needs—she needs to—needs to—

She looks down and finds Castle fast asleep beside her, his hand outstretched, resting now over her thighs, face mashed into his pillow. She takes a deep breath, a hand over her heart.

He's older. He's right. He's _her_ Castle, not that one—the suddenly single father, responsible alone for the happiness of his grieving daughter. He's okay. He's all grown up and just fine. He has her now. He's fine. He's not alone.

She's not alone.

She rises from the bed on autopilot, wandering upstairs to Alexis' door. Castle—Castle's fine. Castle's not alone. Castle's not lonely, isolate. But her little girl—his little girl—Alexis still needs her. Alexis isn't yet so different from the child in her dream.

Kate peeks through the door, stares at the lump in the teen's bed, the shock of red hair she can see even in the dim light from the street out her window. Kate watches the rise and fall of her chest for a long pause before creeping into the room to settle into the armchair she knows Castle sometimes uses to do just this.

He raised this kid all on his own. He raised her right and beautifully. And she wasn't a part of that. She wasn't, and yet, she feels like—like somehow she was, she is. She can't abandon them now. She's not Alexis' mother, but she's something, and she can't leave them.

"Kate?"

Kate stiffens as Alexis blinks her eyes open. "Um," Kate manages, shifting in the chair.

"Everything okay?" Alexis manages, pushing up onto her elbow before flopping back down, her face split in a sleepy yawn.

"Everything's fine. Go back to sleep."

"Dream bad?" Alexis asks, holding her eyes wide to fight the pull of sleep.

Kate shakes her head and shifts forward in the chair, reaching out to smooth back the teen's hair. "Yeah. But I'm fine. Sleep."

Alexis sighs at her and reaches up to grab her hand, tugging. Kate shakes her head, but Alexis just pulls hard, unrelenting until Kate rises and slides into bed beside her. Alexis snuggles up to her and wraps a hand in her shirt.

"M'fine," she whispers.

Kate blows out a breath and combs her fingers through the girl's hair, watching as she slowly falls back to sleep. "I know," Kate promises. "I know."

Maybe if she'd known them earlier. Maybe if she'd found him, met him, when Alexis was smaller, she could have…she gazes at Alexis' wall, at the pictures of Columbia, Paris, Rome, that litter a large corkboard over her desk. What could she have done? Pressed her demons onto father and daughter, traded them a damaged young woman for a flighty mother?

She wouldn't have been ready for anything like what she feels now before this. She wasn't ready for Castle when she met him. Hell, sometimes, the way he looks at her, she's still not ready. His gaze still sets her chest galloping too fast, her head spinning too hard. But she can breathe until she's ready now. She wouldn't have been able to before, no matter how far before.

And yet, that image of the sobbing little girl and her wounded father flares bright behind her eyes. She's not abandoning them, not like that. Going back to work isn't like walking out on your baby. She's isn't Meredith.

She isn't Alexis' mother at all.

Somehow, that doesn't help. It would be easier, if Alexis were younger. It would be easier, if what she feels, what they are, had a neat label—a custody form to sign, a clear-cut responsibility to claim.

Stepmother she can be. But it doesn't—

She wishes she had someone to ask.

Alexis shifts against her and Kate closes her eyes tight. She wishes she had her mother. But she doesn't. And no amount of case solving is going to bring her back. No amount of chasing leads and being shot is going to give her answers she craves about life and love and family.

Justice is all well and good, but she doesn't need justice in this very moment.

"Sleep, Kate," Alexis mumbles, rubbing her face into her pillow.

She needs her mom.


	19. Chapter 19

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 19:**

He watches as Alexis stands by the door, staring at the deep cherry finish. Her whole body is tense, her hands twisting together. Kate's been gone for at least five minutes, and she hasn't moved.

He feels like he's been thrown back thirteen years, watching his four year old stare at the door as her mother flew back to California. Except this time, he doesn't know how to help. Back then, he could give her ice cream, and build her a fort, and buy her toys.

Now, she barely eats, already has the latest toys, and they've already built a fort this week. Kate's the one who can make her relax. Kate's the one that fixes the tears and gives the reassuring hugs.

He's just…useless. He's been useless since they disappeared.

But he has to try. He opens his mouth a few times before stepping forward. "Hey," he offers.

Alexis startles but turns back to look at him, forcing a smile. At least that's something. She's trying.

"Hey," she replies. "We'll see her soon."

He nods at that, happy to let her give herself the affirmation. "We will. Can I make you anything?"

She shakes her head and brushes the hair from her face. "Museum?"

He smiles, genuine at that. "Yeah. Let's go."

He watches her as they walk to the subway, notes the curl of her shoulders, the slump of her back. He sees the way she cringes as they move past people on the street. She doesn't do this when Kate's there. When it's the three of them, she walks tall and smiles and laughs.

He checks his watch. Four more hours until they can pick Kate up for lunch. Just four hours. He can do this.

"So. Dinosaurs or the mammal exhibits first?" he asks as they hurry down the subway steps, the rumble of the approaching train forcing them to jog and plough through the turnstiles.

They manage to hop on the train and he pulls her into his side, the two of them huddled together against the doors. Alexis lifts a breathless smile to him and burrows into him.

"Dinosaurs."

So, he may not know how to cheer her up, but a reenactment of the first time they went to the museum on the subway, and he almost tripped and lost her as the doors closed has done the trick.

"You got it," he tells her, smiling as she relaxes against him.

The train rumbles around them and he watches the other inhabitants of the car. There's a mother with two children heading to school, both of them sitting sullenly as she reads on her phone. The sight makes him unreasonably sad.

"So, how's your speech coming along?" he asks, forcing the words past the lump in his throat.

He'd give anything for Alexis to be that age again—to see such wonder in the world. He supposes he's lucky he had the luxury of paying her proper attention.

"It's okay," Alexis says.

He looks down at the tone in her voice. "Just okay?"

She shrugs and rests her head against his shoulder. "It's fine. It's good."

He opens his mouth for…something to ask, some way to prod it out of her, but the car comes to a stop.

"Come on. If we run, we might make the A," Alexis says, grabbing his hand and pulling him from the car before he can say a thing.

And somehow, later, even as they wander the museum, he doesn't come up with anything to say. He doesn't know how to buck up his kid anymore.

He really would give anything to go back to when she was eight and little and innocent. Because the teenager with him now, who stares at the hominid exhibit with such concentration—this young woman is anything but innocent, and he can't seem to help her battle back the demons she's been forced to meet too soon.

(…)

She stands outside the twelfth, staring up at the smooth exterior, this building that used to make her feel so safe. People pass by her on the sidewalk, brushing her arms, their footsteps loud against her ear drums.

This job used to make her feel indomitable. Now she just feels small, and uneager.

This job has gotten her shot.

She shakes her head. No. Her mother's case got her shot. The twelfth—the twelfth will always protect her.

She takes a deep breath and walks up the steps, wishing for a fleeting moment that she didn't need that protection at all.

Everyone is so nice. The whole morning.

Esposito brings her coffee. Ryan tells her at least two funny anecdotes about his honeymoon she hasn't heard before. Even Gates takes the time to come and tell her about a joke Castle told sometime that she wasn't around. Kate has the suspicion that Gates has made the whole thing up just to see her smile.

Because the day is slow, and she feels so foreign and out of place. Coming back after her shooting, the precinct fit like a glove. Now, she just wants to go home. Go to the loft.

Instead, she mainly catches up on paperwork and offers a few, tired theories as to why someone might have stabbed a custodian on a playground. Castle would probably get a kick out of it. Kate just feels tired.

The guys are nice about it. And as slow as molasses and before she knows it, it's noon, and she's being pushed out of the bullpen. "Go home," they say.

But she doesn't want to go home. She wants to go back to the loft.

She doesn't even realize that Castle and Alexis are standing on the curb waiting for her until she bumps straight into Castle. He smiles and steadies her, leaning in for a kiss before she can stop him.

"Work," she mumbles as he pulls away.

He grimaces and glances around, but no one is there to see. Kate notices Alexis rolling her eyes.

"What?" she prods as Castle steers them down the street, heading for Remy's.

"Like Gates doesn't already know," Alexis offers, swinging around to loop her arm through Kate's.

"She doesn't," Kate insists.

"Then she's a really bad detective," Alexis says with a shrug.

Kate bumps her with her hip, feeling a little less weighed down. "Maybe."

Alexis smiles. "So she's not evil."

"No. Who said she was—Castle!"

Castle winces and gives them an innocent look. "Who me?"

"You said she was great when we were abducted."

"When I was worried sick? Yes, she was. When I want to posit a theory?"

"Can you blame her?"

"Hey. I have at least a sixty percent accuracy."

"Sixty?" Alexis scoffs. "Please. I've heard your theories."

"I'd say a solid forty," Kate concedes as Castle pouts.

"Really?" Alexis asks.

Kate gives her a wink, laughing as Castle groans. "Uncool, Beckett."

Alexis laughs and curls a little closer, staying plastered to her side as they walk into the restaurant. Kate looks to Castle, darting her eyes to Alexis as the girl hangs up her light jacket on the hook by their booth. He presses his lips together, a sad look in his eyes.

A harder morning that she's letting on, then. Kate sighs, quickly covering it with a yawn that splits her face as Alexis slides in next to her.

"How was the museum?" she asks as Alexis peruses the menu, which she knows by heart by now.

"It was good," the girl offers, flashing her a smile.

Kate can see the tension at the corners of her mouth. Castle's foot presses against hers and she looks over at him. She expects to see something in his look, an explanation, but he just looks lost.

They're all a little lost right now, aren't they?

(…)

"Castle?"

He looks up as she comes into the office. She watches as he scrubs a hand over his face.

"Hey," he murmurs, giving her a half-hearted smile.

"Why are you up?" she wonders, walking closer as he hits a button on his computer and swivels in his chair to face her. She can see the bags beneath his eyes, his cheeks sallow with lack of sleep.

"Just…brainstorming."

She doesn't buy that for a second. "Castle."

"Couldn't sleep," he admits.

"Nightmare?"

"No," he says softly, reaching out to curl his fingers into the robe she wears. She knows it dwarfs her frame, can see the way his eyes instantly comb her figure, taking stock of her slight weight. But it smells like him, and it's so comfortable.

"Come back to bed?"

"I'll keep you up," he tells her, his eyes focused on the fabric in his hand.

"I wasn't sleeping," she says, smiling sadly as his eyes cut to hers.

"You—"

"Couldn't focus on my book," she says with a shrug.

He said he'd stay up writing, so she went to bed. But she hasn't slept. And he hasn't come in. And it's been hours.

"Come to bed, Rick," she beckons, taking his hand to tug him up.

They may as well be miserable and tired together.

At least Alexis seems to be sleeping through the night tonight.

One of them should, after Castle practically dragged them all around the city, to MOMA, for coffee, through Central Park, to freakin' FAO Schwartz. Like they were on some kind of tour, with Castle as the unflaggingly energetic guide.

The whole time, Alexis was subdued, and no amount of joking from either of them made her smile with her eyes. She went to bed early. And she's sleeping. They know. They both checked. Twice.

"I can't help her." She turns at the doorway, finds him standing still in the dim light from the lone lamp in the office. "I can't help her, Kate."

She sighs and steps into him, wrapping her arms around his neck and pressing her face into his throat. "I know," she whispers. "I'm sorry."

"Does it get better? It's gets better, right? You—you got better."

She nods against him. "It just takes time."

"I want it now," he says gruffly.

She laughs and pulls back to look up at him. "I know. I do too. But look, she'd be moody no matter what, with high school ending next week."

He nods. "Yeah."

"Tomorrow, we'll—" she pauses. "Um."

"Not drag her all over the city?"

She laughs genuinely. "Maybe, yeah."

"Maybe mother will spend some of the day with her. Something more normal."

"Normal?"

He simply bumps her back toward the bed and she goes, pulling him along behind her until they're cuddled up together in the middle, with the covers drawn up high.

"We spend lots of time together, but I'm usually with you, and I think—I don't know, maybe mother can give her something I can't."

"She loves you," Kate says, lifting up to look at him. "You're not hurting her, Castle."

"I know," he promises. "I'm just…"

"I know."

He pulls her close and presses his lips to hers. She sinks into him, at a loss for something other than this to give. He breaks from her mouth after a moment, trailing his lips along her jaw. She breathes out, shaky and warm.

"Kate?"

She hums, dragging her fingers through his hair as he sucks on her earlobe.

"Do you—"

"If you don't, I'll hurt you," she gets out before tugging on him, turning them so she can feel him, can run her hands over his chest, his sides as he tugs her close, switching angles and nosing down to her neck.

He smiles into her skin and comes back for her mouth while his fingers tug down the cotton underwear she wears beneath his tee shirt. She giggles as his fingers ghost over her stomach, tickled for once instead of traumatized as he raises her shirt while she kicks off her underwear. His shirt follows quickly and then he's gently guiding her onto her back.

Her breath hitches and she forces herself to meet his eyes. He smiles and strokes a hand down her face.

"Trust me?"

She nods slowly, breathing deep. She can do this. She feels good. She can have missionary—oh, oh, not where he's going.

He disappears beneath the covers, his lips a wet trail down her sternum, down her abdomen. She doesn't have time to regress, to let the addictive sensation remind her of anything but her growing need before his mouth is hot and insistent against the crease of her thigh.

She squirms and gasps as he licks a solid strip against her. He hums and works her over, sucking and licking and pressing everywhere she needs as she stares up at the ceiling, mouth open, eyes fluttering.

He's fucking incredible.

It barely takes him five minutes before she comes apart, zips of light coursing through her body, electric and wild and wonderful. She feels his lips leave a wet lingering kiss on her hip before he rises above her, coming up for air, his face spread in a grin.

She blushes but arches up to kiss him, her body a sated, heavy thing that doesn't mind him there above her.

"Okay?" he whispers as they break apart.

She smiles and wipes at his chin, licking her lips. His eyes grow darker. "Very," she promises, before pushing on him to roll them over. She can so return the favor.

He goes to protest, but she doesn't let him, slipping under the covers instead to learn the sounds of his groans and gasps. To learn the feel of him in her hand, against her tongue, the way his hips jerk, the clutch of his hands in her hair, the way he mutters her name.

It's heady and powerful and when she's done, he's yawning and pulling her close, cuddly and happy.

So maybe she can't soothe his worries, and they can't heal his kid, but she can still give him a sleep-inducing blow job without one panic attack to be seen. That must count for something, right?

"Oh my God, go to sleep, woman," Castle mumbles, rolling them until he can spoon her from behind, his body warm and large around her.

She laughs and curls her hand around the one he has wrapped around her stomach. "Yes, dear."

He huffs into her hair.

(…)

"Castle, what are you doing here?"

He grins, plopping down into his chair. It's 2pm on Monday. What the hell is he doing at the precinct?

"I have found the solution to our graduate's anxiety," he says, beaming at her.

"What?"

"Lanie."

She waits. "Lanie is the solution to Alexis' issues?"

"You should have seen them! That woman had her smiling in two seconds flat. She's going to hang with Lanie until the end of your shift, and then we'll go pick her up, get dinner, and go to bed early."

"Oh-kay," she says slowly. She can see that he's disappointed that Lanie cheered Alexis up, but he's so happy too. "That's—okay."

"So," he says, extending a travel mug she just noticed. "What's our case?"

She takes a grateful sip and points to the murder board. "Orlando Costas. A petty thief turned clean, was gunned down in an alley this morning. One shot to the body, then a kill shot to the head."

"Recent arrests?"

"No," she says with a sigh. Their board is fairly empty so far. But at least the coffee is helping with her headache. "Did four years in the military. We're bringing his girlfriend in now. No family."

"So why was a Vet caught with—lock picking tools?"

"We're hoping she can tell us," Kate says, hiding a smile.

She's missed this. By the look in his eye, he has too. She goes about filing some paperwork as they wait for information from Lanie and for the girlfriend to show. He just watches her.

It should bother her, but instead, she feels butterflies in her stomach and something like aching contentment settling into her skin. This is normal. This is what life should be like, catching murderers and basking in Castle's bizarre obsession with her and her work.

She kind of loves it.

He kind of loves her.

The elevator dings and she sees L.T. bringing a haggard looking woman through to the conference room. Ryan gives her a nod across the room.

"That's our cue. You up for this?" she asks.

Castle grins. "Right behind you."

(…)

It's never easy.

She sighs as she sits back down at her desk, rubbing a hand over her cheek to ease the pulling before yanking it back. Damn. She probably smudged her cover-up.

She watches as Costas' girlfriend is led back to the elevator. Someone else's life, shattered, and Kate has to try and piece it together to give closure. She reaches for her neck and realizes Alexis still has her mother's ring somewhere. She hasn't thought to ask for it back.

A cup of hot coffee appears before her and she looks up, finds Castle smiling down at her, eyes soft, like he knows.

"Thanks," she murmurs, bringing it to her lips and taking a deep swallow.

She raises an eyebrow as she realizes it's more than half milk.

"Didn't want you to have a stomach ache on top of it," he says quietly, sitting back in his chair.

She nods. She wants more, but…he's right.

"We got it," Ryan says, jogging over to them. "We ran Marisol's car, uni's found it a few blocks from where we found Costas."

At least that's something. Pity she can't finish her milked-down coffee.

They're all up and slipping into their jackets, eager to get to the scene. Castle looks like a kid at Christmas. She wonders if it's just the excitement of the case, or the normalcy.

She's about to step into the elevator when her cell rings.

"Beckett," she greets, getting in next to Castle, a tight fit with all four of them.

"Kate, you need to get down here."

"Lanie," she greets. "You found something?"

There's a brief pause. "No."

Kate swallows. Why would—oh. Oh, no.

"Lanie, what's wrong?"

Castle snaps to attention beside her. She reaches out and grabs his hand without thinking, trying to give comfort the only way she can.

"You just—just get down here, okay? I don't know what to do, Beckett."

"Okay," she says. "Okay. Just keep—just watch her."

"Oh, I'm on it," Lanie promises. "Don't worry, she's fine. Just…get here. Bring Castle."

"On our way," she agrees as the elevator lets them out in the garage. "Guys, you head to the car, try and figure out where he was comin' from. Lanie's…got something for us at the morgue."

Ryan and Espo exchange a glance, but nod and hurry away to their cruiser.

"Kate?" Castle whispers.

"She's okay," Kate offers, guiding him over to her cruiser.

"Kate," he insists, tugging on her hand before they reach the car, forcing her to turn and look at him.

"I—don't know," she admits. "But Lanie's with her. Let's just go, okay?"

He gives her a hard look, but she doesn't have anything else. Whatever it is—whatever's going on, it has Lanie really freaked out.

Castle nods after a moment and gets into the passenger side, buckling in without a word.

She doesn't know how to help here. She just knows to get there. Whatever's wrong, they'll deal. They can do this.

By the time they're jogging down the corridor to Lanie's examination room, she's not so sure. Castle's tense and terse beside her, and she doesn't know what could possibly cause Lanie to—

There's a rough sobbing sound that reverberates through the hallway as they approach the door.

Shit.

Kate pushes through the double doors, Castle hot on her heels, and they both come to a halt. Lanie stands stoically by the examination table, staring down at the corner of the cabinets, the cadaver of their victim on the table, half a Y-incision cut into his chest.

Kate blanches at the sight, her body running cold.

How could they have possibly thought it was okay for Alexis to see that?

She lets out a slow breath.

No. She won't point fingers. She might slug her best friend later, but she won't point fingers.

She takes the few steps to stand at Lanie's shoulder and bites her lip. Alexis sits huddled in the corner, holding a scalpel, heaving sobs wracking her slim frame.

"She's—I asked," Lanie whispers, glancing at Kate. "I asked and she said—"

Of course she did. Facing fears—she's supposed to face her fears. No one was there to tell her this wasn't how to do it, not so soon. No one was there to say, 'take it slow, start easy.' It was just Alexis, sweet and lovely, and sure.

Kate touches Lanie's shoulder, the woman so stiff and silent beside her. She might slap her later, but she was just trusting the teen—this girl who has solved many a case by her side.

Kate nods before slowly moving forward and sinking onto her knees a few feet from Alexis. She can do this. They, can do this.

"Alexis," she says gently.

The girl doesn't move, eyes fixed unseeingly at the edge of the table, scalpel poised in front of her.

"Alexis," Kate repeats, louder.

Didn't she do just this, with a gun, not so long ago—convinced there was a man in her apartment with a gun to shoot a bullet through her chest. There was no one there to help her.

But now, she can help. She can.

"No," Alexis lets out, the sound hoarse and surrounded with tears.

"Alexis, look at me," Kate instructs.

The girl jerks, the scalpel swinging outward. Kate rears back, far enough away to avoid the upswing. She hears Castle and Lanie murmur behind her but holds up her hand. They can do this. She and Alexis.

"Where are you?"

Alexis shivers.

"Look around. This isn't the basement. Really look, Alexis."

It's slow. Her knuckles are blanched white around the scalpel, jaw clenched tight.

"There are lights," Kate continues. "Can you see them? There's air conditioning too. And what does it smell like?"

Alexis blinks slowly, her breath coming just a bit deeper.

"There you go. Feel the cabinets at your back. They're wood, not cinderblock. Can you smell the chemicals?"

Alexis nods very slowly.

"Do you remember coming to see Lanie?"

She gets another languid nod.

"Can you look at me?"

Alexis jerkingly swings her gaze to Kate. Kate smiles, still wary of the weapon in the teen's hand.

"Look, I'm healthy," Kate insists. "My cheek is better. I'm wearing clothes."

Alexis just stares at her, her hand beginning to waver.

"Do you know where we are?"

"Morgue."

"Right. Not the basement, the morgue. Do you see Tyson?"

Alexis shakes her head.

"Who do you see?"

"Lanie. Dad," Alexis gets out, swallowing hard as the hysteria starts to fade. "Morgue with Lanie. You're—you're here."

"I am," Kate agrees.

Tentatively, she holds out her hand. "Can you give me the scalpel?"

"Not safe," Alexis tells her, wrapping her other hand around the knife. Kate hopes to God it isn't a double-ended one. "Need protection. We could stab him, Kate. We could kill him."

Kate sighs and slowly inches forward, ignoring the sounds from the concerned people behind her. Not her concern right now.

"He's dead," Kate insists, inching to Alexis' side. She thinks she can do this, can mimic a position they knew so well in the basement—a physical camaraderie to make Alexis feel safe enough to let go of the knife.

She's not quite in the corner. There's room for Kate.

"He's dead, Alexis," Kate repeats. "I shot him, remember?"

"But what if he gets up?" Alexis whispers as Kate shifts to her side, eyes tracking the shaking in the teen's arms. "What if he gets up and comes after us? We need to be safe," she says, gripping tighter.

"Okay," Kate agrees, changing tactics as she manages to get in beside Alexis. She slowly wraps her arm around the teen. "Okay, we need to be safe. But who do you see?"

"Dad. Lanie," Alexis repeats.

"Right. Dad and Lanie will keep us safe, won't they?" she adds, looking up at them.

Castle looks like he's about to fall over, and Lanie is crying, but they both nod.

"But," Alexis starts.

Kate slowly runs her hand down Alexis' arm to cover her hands around the twitching knife. "We're safe. I promise."

"I don't want him to hurt you," Alexis whispers.

"I know," Kate says, squeezing her hand and leaning in to touch their foreheads together. "I know. But we're safe, and I'm okay. You can let go now."

Alexis hesitates, shoulders stiff beneath Kate's arm.

"I promise you, sweetheart, you can let go," Kate tells her.

Alexis shudders, but slowly, her hands give way, the scalpel falling to the floor as she turns her head and buries her face in Kate's neck.

Kate wraps her arms around the girl and pulls her into her lap, using the move to simultaneously kick the scalpel back toward Lanie.

"Okay," Kate whispers, holding fast as Alexis starts to shake in earnest, adrenaline coursing through her system. "We're okay. I promise. We're safe."

Alexis nods into her neck, arms wrapped tight around one of Kate's. Kate cups the back of her head and looks up to Castle and Lanie. Lanie holds the scalpel in a shaking hand, and Castle watches, eyes completely lost.

It's terrifying, she's sure. It must be terrifying to see his daughter like this.

She wonders fleetingly what it was like for her father, to weather it all alone, no one there to help.

Alexis sniffles and Kate lets herself take a deep breath as the girl does. "Do you feel safe?" she murmurs.

Alexis lets out a small sound. It sounds like "sorry," but Kate can't truly tell.

"Don't apologize," she says immediately.

"To Lanie," Alexis mumbles.

Kate feels her jaw clench. The last thing this girl needs to do is apologize to the adult that let her watch an autopsy after having watched Kate be cut up for weeks.

"Unnecessary," she says.

"But," Alexis whispers.

"But nothing," Kate insists. "Do you want to go home?"

Alexis nods.

"Okay, let's go home."

"But work," Alexis says, even as they pull apart to stand.

"Screw it," Kate tells her. She stands and holds out her hands, tugging Alexis up until she can reach out and cup her cheeks, making sure they make eye contact. "You're more important."

"Kate," Alexis lets out, protest and supplication both.

"No arguing. We're going home."

Alexis stares for a moment before her lips quirk in a pale imitation of a smile. "Okay."

"Okay," Kate agrees, dropping her hands to wrap her arm around the teen. "Home," Kate says, looking over at Castle.

He nods and heads for the door with jerking steps. Lanie looks lost, but Kate doesn't know how to help, not with the stumbling teenager beside her to look after.

Lanie startles and scurries around to meet them at the doors, holding out a very full manila envelope.

"I—" she mumbles, meeting Alexis' eyes. "Here, sweetie."

Alexis takes the envelope with twitchy fingers. "Thanks."

"Maybe we get coffee next time," Lanie suggests.

Alexis manages to smile for her. "Yeah."

Lanie looks to Kate, Castle already waiting in the hall for them. "Call me?"

Kate nods. "I will. And likewise," she adds, glancing toward the body.

Lanie bobs her head and watches as Kate guides Alexis out of the examination room, the doors swinging shut behind them.

"We should have taken a cab," Kate murmurs as Castle holds the elevator for them.

He nods, eyes dark and shoulders slumped as he glances at Alexis, who has her envelope of money tucked to her chest, her other hand a fisted vice in Kate's jacket. Castle meets Kate's eyes and Kate tries to give something back.

She wants to be mad at him too, for leaving Alexis with Lanie at the morgue. Wants to think he should have seen this coming.

She just wants someone to blame.

But Tyson's dead. And blaming Tyson wouldn't feel as good as yelling at someone, anyone, for the pain that Alexis is in.

Someone should have to pay.

She's lived what the girl is currently experiencing. She's lived it over and over.

This poor kid shouldn't have to live it. Her life shouldn't be this, now. Her life should be excitement and partying and staying out at all hours, not protecting herself from phantom attackers in the morgue.

But ultimately, there's nothing they can do now but get her home, get her fed, and make her safe.

"Can you call the guys, have one of them pick up my cruiser here?" Kate promptly softly as the elevator dings and they step into the lobby of the building. "We'll take a cab back." Give him something to do, something productive, since it doesn't feel like Alexis will let go of her jacket for a good long time.

Castle nods and takes out his phone as Kate guides Alexis onto the street, her arm up to flag one of the meandering cabs. It's not quite rush hour yet. They shouldn't be in the car for too long.

"We'll be home soon," she says to the teen.

"Okay," Alexis agrees, her body starting to sag against Kate's.

Castle's a few feet away, frowning and he talks on the cell. Kate catches his eyes and he smiles tightly at her. She wonders fleetingly if the guys have news, but a cab pulls to the curb, and then she's focused on getting Alexis in, giving directions, settling in for the drive back.

Castle's not on the phone when he scoots in and closes the door.

"Everything all right?" she asks.

He nods and gives her that same tight smile as they pull off from the curb. "Fine. They'll swing by and bring your car back."

"Okay," she says. He feels off.

Alexis grunts as they come to a sudden stop in traffic, her eyes shut tight. "Car sick?" Kate asks softly.

"Yeah," Alexis says, pressing her forehead into Kate's shoulder.

Kate runs her fingers through the teen's hair and looks at Castle, who's just watching them, this haunted look in his eyes.

"Castle?"

"Hm?"

"You—"

"So," he says, a little loud. "What do you want for dinner, Alexis?"

Alexis moans. "No food," she gets out, her hand gripping into Kate's jacket as they turn a corner.

Castle withers, looking chagrinned.

Kate smiles at him. He's trying. She can tell, trying so hard. "Pasta," she mouths. Something soothing, with lots of cheese. Something filling.

Something warm and comfortable for the girl huddled against her.

He nods and glances down at his phone.

"Did the guys say something?" Kate asks.

"No," he says, a little quick.

Alexis groans as they come to another stop and Kate gives up on the mystery of Castle, more concerned with holding tight to the girl in her arms. He'll tell her soon enough.


	20. Chapter 20

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 20**:

"How freaked was Lanie?" Alexis whispers as Kate tucks her into bed a few hours later. They fed her, Castle made her laugh, they watched a movie—normalcy.

Kate kind of wanted to put this off, really. To let the girl relax, and maybe…avoid the questions. But that's not healthy. Not what she needs.

"Lanie's fine," Kate says, sitting down next to the Alexis. The woman's probably dying for a phone call, but she's fine. "How are you?"

"Okay," Alexis mutters, fingers curling into the blankets.

"Really?"

"No," she whispers, looking at Kate with large, red-rimmed eyes. "What happened to me? I—I knew, I knew where I was. I thought I was ready. And then it was just…gone. It was gone, and I was back in the basement, and I had—did I really brandish a scalpel at Lanie?"

Kate sighs and reaches out, taking one of Alexis' hands before she can shred her cuticles into oblivion.

"You had a bit of a flashback," Kate says, trying to look like it's nothing.

It's not nothing. It's very serious. But Alexis is in therapy, and she's healing, and there aren't many triggers like that one.

"A bit?" Alexis lets out. "I—Kate, I could have—"

"But you didn't."

"And the next time?" Alexis spits.

Kate squeezes her hand. "Do you plan on watching an autopsy again any time soon?"

Alexis shakes her head quickly.

"Then you're okay. It—it happens."

"Right," Alexis grunts. "Everyone all over the city is freaking out and arming themselves with small knives."

"Everyone in this city didn't spend three weeks in a basement," Kate cuts in. Alexis shivers. "There's nothing—you don't need to be ashamed of what happened. You got freaked out, and panicked, and it triggered something really horrible for you."

"I don't see you trying to attack Dad," Alexis throws out.

Kate takes a breath. "No," she agrees. "But I might have shot him last year if he came over at the wrong moment."

Alexis looks sharply over at her. "What?"

"Here," Kate says, pulling up her sleeve. There's a very thin mark from where she cut herself last year—wouldn't go get stitches, for the fucking shame of it.

"What's that? Did—I didn't—that wasn't…Tyson," Alexis finishes softly, tracing her fingers over the scar.

"No," Kate agrees. "No, I did this, last year."

"You what?"

"Not like that," Kate assures her quickly. "Like you. I had a flashback, but at my apartment, I had a gun. I smashed the bottle of whiskey I was drinking while trying to hide."

"Oh," Alexis says, staring at the scar.

"By the time I snapped out of it, I'd bled a lot."

"Why did you scar? It couldn't have been that deep, or you'd have been…"

"Yeah," Kate agrees. "But it was enough. I didn't get it checked."

"Oh," Alexis repeats.

"So no, I haven't gone after Castle this time, but I could have. It's part of why I pushed him away," she admits to the girl.

Alexis meets her eyes. "He would have helped."

"I know," Kate assures her. "But I didn't want him to. I—I don't want you to make that mistake, okay? When you need help, you call. No matter what. No matter where, you call, and we will be there."

Alexis nods and sinks down in the bed, curling up around Kate's seated body, monkey-bunky held to her chest. "I feel crazy."

Kate sighs and brushes the hair out of her eyes. "I know. But you're not."

"And it can just happen," Alexis continues. "Just—on the street, or in a car, or at school. I can just look at something wrong and be gone."

"It will pass," Kate promises her.

"But it hasn't yet," Alexis whispers. "I—what if it's not gone by college? What if I'm still like this? Screaming and crying and," she breaks off and looks up at Kate. "What do I do?"

Kate sighs and rubs the girl's back. "You call me."

"In the middle of the night."

"Yes," Kate says easily. "You think I won't drive up to Columbia at 2am?"

Alexis huffs. "Or in class. What if they talk about…I don't know. Starvation, or basements, or Mike Tyson?"

Kate lets out a small laugh as Alexis giggles sheepishly. "Then I will come and sit in class with you and learn something."

Alexis rolls her eyes. "I can't just call anytime anything is wrong."

Kate huffs back at her. "Yeah, you can."

Alexis stares hard at her. "You can't always come."

Kate narrows her eyes. "Watch me," she decides. "We've been over this, kid. I'm the adult. What I say goes."

Alexis laughs and snuggles into the bed. "Uh huh."

"Uh huh," Kate repeats, satisfied when Alexis gives a tired smile. "Sleep now. You're graduating tomorrow."

"Yeah," Alexis breathes out. "You're coming?"

"Wouldn't miss it for anything," Kate promises.

"Thanks," Alexis whispers.

"Always." Kate smiles and rubs her back, sitting quietly as the teen slowly falls into sleep, her body relaxing piece by agonizing piece before it takes her under.

(…)

"We're hoping it's not, but, Castle, it could be."

He slumps back against the couch, a hand over his mouth. Costas broke into Montgomery's house to steal files from his computer. And now he's dead. And they think—well, it's obvious they don't really think it's about an unrelated case. Esposito may be trying to keep him calm, but he knows. He just knows.

He stares up at the smartboard and listens as Javi details what they know so far, what they're looking into, how they're not sure what to tell Gates—how _he_ has to tell Beckett what they've figured out.

"Okay," he gruffs. "I will. We'll—we'll see you tomorrow," he manages, clicking off the phone as he looks at Beckett's picture in the middle of the screen.

How can he tell her? How can he be the one to open this all up again, when he hasn't even gotten anywhere? He's been trying, he has, but there's _nothing_, and now, all of a sudden, he has to tell her that Costas was after the files, and now he's _dead_, and the case, her case is…

She has no idea. She's been taking care of his daughter—his daughter who—

He growls and tosses the remote to the floor, standing up to pace. His kid had a full on flashback, brandished a knife. She was sobbing and screaming and so damn scared and he couldn't do a thing about it. He didn't know what to do, what to say, how to help. He was scared. Scared of his own kid, for his own kid—just scared.

He's useless.

He can't help his daughter. He can't protect his girlfriend, his partner. He's been searching and searching, every spare minute, and it's gotten him bumble nowhere. And he has to be the one to rip her world back open? Tonight?

She's tucking in his kid. She spent all day—left work—to take care of his daughter, because she's the only one who can. Kate is the only one who can fix things, and he has to take that away?

If he tells her, she'll go right back down the rabbit hole, and then…then she'll be dead. And then where will they be?

If it was before, it would just be him. But now? If she—if they kill her—God, they can't. They can't take her away. He can't let them. He can't let her fall. He can't.

He just can't.

He sinks back onto the couch, wracked with this gnawing, churning grief and places his head in his hands, palms crushed against his eyes. He needs to be stronger than this. He needs to protect them.

His phone rings.

"Castle," he says into it, too tired even to check the screen.

"Mr. Castle, we need to talk."

He curls in on himself. Smith.

"I know."

"Do you really? No one's seen head or hair of Ms. Beckett since that abduction."

"She's fine," he gets out.

"If you can't stop her from looking, Mr. Castle, she won't be."

"I know," he hisses. He knows. He knows he knows he knows. He has to protect her. Has to stop this. Has to stop her.

"Then—"

"I know," he repeats. "I'll…I'll take care of it."

"See that you do."

The phone clicks out and he stares at the murder board.

It's the case. This is the case. Costas is dead, and someone is out there looking for the file.

How is he supposed to stop her? He can't even…

"Castle?"

His stomach bottoms out.

(…)

He's sitting on his couch, crying, and there's a murder board with her face in the center on his smartboard. She doesn't quite know where to start.

"Beckett," he croaks, glancing from her to the smartboard and back, a wild look in his eyes.

"Alexis is asleep," she says, staring at the board.

Raglan, McAlister, Lockwood, Montgomery, the Mayor, a man named Smith—what—

"I," Castle starts, standing quickly. "I—"

Kate sidesteps him, something clenching hard in her gut. Why does he have a murderboard for her shooting? Why is the Mayor on there? Who is Smith?

"I can explain," he says nervously.

She stops walking.

She knows that tone. That's the one he used when he opened her mother's case for the first time.

"Explain what?" she asks, wary.

When she revolves to face him, he's looking at her with such despair in his eyes she almost doesn't want to know. She thinks maybe she could shut it off, say no more, and go to bed. Because whatever's in his eyes—she's almost sure she doesn't want to know.

"The guys called," he begins, his hands balled in fists at his sides.

"And?" she prompts after a silent minute.

He takes a deep breath and meets her eyes. "Costas was shot the first time escaping after breaking into Montgomery's house. Evelyn shot him."

"What?" she lets out.

He holds up a hand, and somehow, she doesn't think to slap him for it. "They thought—they think it was gang violence, that the brother of a man Montgomery put away had hired Costas to do the break in. But there's no evidence yet and all that's missing was Montgomery's computer, all his files."

"His files," Kate repeats.

"Old case files," Castle continues.

He's shaking. Why is he shaking?

"It's, um. It's—"

"Castle," she says.

"They think it's the case, Kate."

It lands heavy in the air around them. Someone killed the man who broke into Montgomery's house to steal his files. Someone is killing for information, killing for a file—maybe _the_ file. It's open again. It's all open again.

Kate stumbles, struck with it.

A moment later, she's on the couch, Castle pacing in front of her.

"My—so they're—"

"Out for blood," Castle completes. "I—"

"Why do you have that?" Kate cuts in, pointing at the smartboard, because it's easier. It's easier to focus on the elephant in the room than on the crushing, screeching fear licking up her back, over all the cuts.

Not again. Not now.

Castle stares at her, that look of despair growing deeper. But he doesn't speak.

"Castle," she insists.

He nods and takes what looks like a fortifying breath. "When—when you got back from the summer," he begins, moving to lean against his desk, so much space between them. "You were digging."

It hits her with a flash. "You made me stop."

He nods, solemn.

"What the hell have you done?" she lets out, her whole body taut.

"A man named Smith—that's all I know," he adds when she opens her mouth. "Smith called me and told me he had information from Montgomery that would keep you safe—keep you and Montgomery's family safe. But it would only work if you stopped digging into your mother's case." He meets her eyes. "You're only safe if you leave it alone. If you don't, they'll come for you."

It knocks the breath from her chest.

All this time, she thought it was just a fluke. Things died out and she was so down and beaten that she didn't ask why. She didn't wonder.

And all along, it was him. He's the reason everything stopped. The good, the bad, it was Castle.

She looks at the murder board again. She blinks. Why is the Mayor on there? She stands and moves closer, glancing over his notes. There's new information. Tidbits, really, but they're new. He's—

"You've been investigating," she lets out, turning to stare at him.

He nods.

"Why?"

"You couldn't," he offers with a sad shrug. "Someone had to."

She feels like he's socked her in the gut, the statement so easy, so calm. Someone had to, so he did. He just…kept going, and it makes her so mad.

"I can't die, but it's okay if you do?" she lets out, loud, uninhibited, enraged.

He startles, looking at her in surprise. "What?"

"You say they'll kill me if I dig, so you make me stop. And what do you do? You keep digging. Fucking hell, Castle, if they'll kill me, what makes you think—how idiotic can you be?"

"What?" he demands, suddenly indignant.

God, she could hit him. She really wants to. She settles for curling her hand around the edge of the screen. "What makes you think they won't kill you for digging, you moron?"

"Moron?" he repeats, looking flabbergasted.

He just doesn't get it. "You—what about—I—"

She can't make the words come out. She wants to hit him, and scream, and rage, and bash his idiotic, swollen, moronic, unhinged head onto the desk. How can he be risking himself like this?

"Kate, look. I just—I wanted—I needed to keep you safe."

It swells in her, that need to do something, smash something, hurt something. She looks down at the desk and finds a copy of _Flowers for Your Grave_. She picks it up and hurls it at his head.

He ducks.

"What about you?" she shouts, beyond it now. "You think—why the hell would you—God, Castle. I thought—I thought you were smart!"

"What?" he repeats, a few paces away now as she grabs another book.

He looks scared.

Good. He should be scared.

"I know how important it is to you—how much you need to solve it, and I just—"

"Offered yourself as bait?" she provides, chucking the book at him—some small encyclopedia of something.

"As what?" he yelps, dodging the book.

"Why the hell would you do this?" she demands, reaching for anything else, and coming up with her own copy of _Heat Wave_.

Somehow, she can't throw that one. Instead, she clutches it to her chest, like magically it can erase the entire debacle.

"Because you said you can't have the life you want without it, and I want you to have that life, whether or not you can ever forgive me," he lets out, looking desperate.

"The—what good is the life I want if you're dead?" she yells back.

He straightens, his face going slack. "What?"

"You _know_ what happens to the people who get mixed up in this. Everyone is gone, Castle," she says, watching as the words hit home—the same she said to him months and months ago. "Everyone. And you—how can you put yourself on that list?"

"I—"

"What about Alexis?" she continues, her momentary lapse at his reasoning giving way to new, bright anger. "What about your daughter? What am I supposed to tell her when her father dies for me? That the life I wanted was worth it? Fuck, Castle, my happiness is not worth your daughter!"

She throws the book.

And it hits him, square in the chest.

"I'm not—"

"How. Could. You?" she says, standing there with nothing more to throw, the energy sapped out of her. "How could you, Rick? Why would you do this?"

"I—you had to stop," he says. "He told me to make you stop."

"Then why did you keep going?" she insists. He stares at her. "Why didn't you just stop?"

"Beckett—"

"And if you couldn't, or didn't want to, or—I don't know what reasons you can possibly have to do something this reckless and stupid, Castle, but at least tell me you had backup."

He gapes at her. "Backup?"

She steps back. "You—you did this alone. You risked this," she throws her hands out, gesturing to the life he's built here, the family. "You put all of this in danger, your mother, your daughter, without telling anyone? No backup? No plan? Just—what, digging for the story? For what?"

"For you!" he lets out.

She feels her jaw set, words tumbling out before she can think to stop them. "Did you think it would make me love you more? To know you'd risked your life for me? That you'd risked your daughter's life, your mother's?"

"No," he growls, stepping toward her. "How dare you."

"Then what, Castle? What could possibly be worth dying for? It's not me. It can't be me."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not worth your life," she spits out, so infuriated. "Nothing, Castle, is worth destroying—"

"But it's worth yours? You think it wouldn't kill Alexis to lose you? Kill me? Do you not care about that? It's all me, me, me, but what about my life without you, Beckett?"

"I would have stopped," she shouts. "You stopped me. I—I'm not—you lied and I'm fucking pissed, Castle, but not—that should have been it."

"What?" he says, lost.

"You stopped me. They stopped hunting me. End of. That's the end of, Castle. That's what it should have been."

"You—you're really mad that I was trying to solve her case, _your_ case?"

"I'm not mad," she says, waiting a beat until it looks like he might relax. "I'm furious."

He growls at her. "I—"

"Will never say anything that makes this right," Kate finishes for him. "It will never be all right that you risked your life to get me closure," she adds, a hair softer. "And you stop, right now."

He blanches. "They're—they're out there, Kate. They're out there, and sooner or later they'll be looking for you."

She breathes, staring at this man, who stupidly tried to fix the hole in her life, filling it with himself. She looks around at the room, the life he risked, thinks of the girl upstairs.

She promised her always.

There is no always if they keep going.

And somehow, it's enough. That one thought is enough. Always is enough for her to reach out, and punch the off button on the smart board.

"This ends. Now," she decides. The screen goes dark, and a sick satisfaction courses through her.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

She turns and looks at him. "Walking away."

He just gapes at her.

She needs a minute. She needs a minute before she can digest the new case information, before she has to decide how they handle it, before she has to think about the Dragon out there, looking for her.

She turns and leaves the office, leaves it behind her, behind them.

She needs a minute to stop hating the man in the office, just a minute. She needs just one moment to let the peace of her decision outweigh the bright white anger still coursing through her system. Idiotic _stupid_ man.

She paces through the living room, winding around stacks of books and DVDs, misplaced pillows and stray blankets. They've built a life in this living room, a haven.

It has to stay that way.

She looks over at the piano, at the notebook and the typed pages of Alexis' speech. There is a whole life that's growing up in this house, and she's sure as hell not going to let that life come to a crashing halt because of her, because of her mother.

"So that's it? That's your always?"

She startles as she reaches the kitchen, turning to find Alexis sitting on the stairs.

Damn. "Did we wake you?" Kate asks, moving slowly toward her.

Alexis stares, cold. "What do you think?"

Kate stops a few feet away, confused. "I'm sorry."

"Don't bother," Alexis says, eyes empty. "Just go."

Kate opens her mouth.

"Walk away. It's what you do, right? Just run away and hide, and leave me to pick up the pieces."

Kate snaps her mouth shut. That stings. Deserved, but it stings.

"Just go," Alexis repeats, a bit more desperation there.

There's just no catching a break here, is there?

Kate huffs, running a hand through her hair. Always. "No."

Alexis looks up, startled. "What, so you're going to stay, and do it later? That's—"

Kate rolls her eyes and sits down on the step next to Alexis, ignoring the way she stiffens. "How much did you hear?"

"Enough," Alexis spits.

Kate shakes her head. "I'm—_we're_—walking away from the case. Not each other."

Alexis goes still. "What?"

"I—your father is not my favorite person right now," Kate admits, suddenly feeling very calm.

She is so angry with him, but somewhere, deep down, a place she can't quite reach right now is fiercely in love with him. And that place is tethered to the piece that loves Alexis, hard.

"But I'm not leaving. Him, or you."

Alexis considers the hands she has twisted in her lap. "You—"

"Kind of want to throttle him."

"But your mom's case," Alexis whispers. "You can't—you can't just walk away from that. And you can't—we're not worth…"

Kate reaches out and grips her hands. "Don't make me yell at you too, Alexis."

The girl finally meets her eyes, wide and full of shock.

"If anything is worth not dying for, kid, it's this. It's you guys. And if solving my mother's case means dying, I'm just not doing that."

"But—but what about justice?"

Kate sighs and closes her eyes for a moment before meeting Alexis' again. "It's not worth dying for, Alexis. Not like this."

Alexis nods slowly and grips at her hand. They sit quietly for a few minutes, staring out at the dimly lit loft. Slowly, Kate's adrenaline begins to fade, leaving her tired and strung out. She hasn't yelled like that in a long time. Not since last year, really.

Maybe they can break the pattern next May. No more big fights about protecting themselves. They'll just be safe.

And one day, somehow, she'll find closure and get that justice. But not now. Not today.

"Why is everything so messed up?" Alexis says softly.

Kate sighs. "I don't know. But we'll—we'll make it less," she decides, reaching out to pull Alexis into her side. "You, me, and your moron of a father."

"He was trying to keep you safe," she protests weakly.

"And I should kill him for putting himself in danger to do it," Kate says back. "But I won't. You'd miss him."

"Sure," Alexis offers lightly. "Me."

"Yeah, you," Kate agrees.

There's a shuffle and they turn to see Castle wandering slowly into the living room, haggard. He looks around and Kate watches defeat play across his face.

She doesn't call out immediately, a sick, twisted part of her wanting him to suffer. But Alexis shifts beside her, and she can't be that cruel, not in front of his daughter.

She shouldn't be cruel.

He's an idiot, and she's angry, but she does still love him.

"Castle," she calls.

He looks up, startled, and she watches as relief drapes over him like a weight, his body going slack. He walks over, rubbing his chest.

She really must have nailed him with that hardcover—_To the extraordinary KB_, right in the chest.

She winces and Alexis glances at her, concerned.

"I'm fine," she whispers as Castle slowly approaches them.

"You're up," Castle says to Alexis, glancing at Kate.

"We were loud," Kate offers. Alexis elbows her. "I was loud, apparently."

"Ah," he says.

Alexis looks between them for a beat. "I'm going to go back to sleep."

Kate turns to her. "Are you all right?"

"You'll be here in the morning?" Kate nods. "Then I'm fine. Goodnight," she adds, kissing Kate's cheek before standing to do the same to Castle.

She walks back up the stairs, around Kate, and disappears into her room, leaving them alone in the dim light of the stairwell.

"You didn't leave," Castle says softly.

Kate sighs. "I didn't—both of you—no," she agrees. "No, I'm here."

The look at each other for a long moment.

"Come to bed?" he asks, holding out his hand.

She's certainly not going to stay here and sleep in the guest room. "Okay," she agrees, taking his hand and letting him pull her from the stairs.

He leads her back through the loft and into his room. They bypass the office, she notices. Good.

When they step into the room, it's dim, just his bedside lamp lit. They're both still in their work clothes, and the space feels heavy. It feels heavy between them. Her anger still roils, hot in the pit of her stomach, but in the face of his exhaustion and her own, she can't muster more of it, not tonight.

He takes her other hand and steps close, bending his head to rest his forehead against hers. "I can't apologize for protecting you."

She sucks in a breath, fights to keep that calm. He's being reverent, his hands cradling hers before they slide up to cup her cheeks.

"I can't lose you, Kate."

She meets his eyes, fisting her hands into his shirt. "I'm not mad that you stopped me, Castle." She's known for weeks now that this, with him and his kid, trumps her desire for dangerous justice. "I need you to apologize for not protecting you."

He sighs, sweeping his thumb across the scar on her cheek. "Someone needs to have your back, Beckett."

She turns her cheek and nips at his thumb, earning a surprised little squeak. "Together or not at all," she insists, staring him down. "You don't risk yourself for me unless I can back you up. We're partners. No more vigilante justice."

"I—"

"No more," she insists, tugging on his shirt so he jerks forward, his body slamming into hers. "I can't lose you either, so no more."

He stares at her for a long beat before nodding. "Okay, Kate. No more."

She breathes out, her chest unclenching before she surges forward to meet him in a biting kiss. He hauls her into him, holding her tight to his body, their kisses feral and wild, anger and love between them.

She busies her shaking hands with the buttons on his shirt, his wrapped around her neck and waist. She tugs the tails of his shirt free and pushes it from his shoulders, the two of them breaking away just enough to pull off his undershirt and lift her shirt over her head.

"No bra," he whispers against the skin of her neck, his hands still set low on her waist as their chests collide.

"Hurts the scars," she admits.

He pulls back and meets her eyes, both of their bodies heaving. "I'm sorry."

She considers him, unsure of the apology.

"I love you," he adds, not giving more.

She nods, brushing her hands up to rest against his chest. "I love you too," she replies. She does. She's still angry, but she loves him, fiercely.

And he loves her enough to risk his life for her, a stupid, willful, ridiculous thing. But it's—exactly what she would have done for him.

Doesn't make it right.

But it does make her love him that much more.

He reaches down and lifts her up, carrying her the short distance to the bed before depositing her on it and crawling up after her. She helps him with her pants, caught in the way he watches her as they shimmy them off together, the way he comes back for her lace thong with his teeth.

He divests himself of his pants and boxers, his body glowing in the dim light, eyes wild and pupils blown wide. He returns to her and she immediately rolls them, wanting control. Wanting to be on top. Wanting to punish him just a little with the ruthless rut of her body, make him beg and moan.

He seems perfectly game for it, gripping her ass firmly as she straddles him. But then he tugs and she loses her balance enough that he can haul her up up to his chin, her knees on either side of his head.

And somehow, she's the one who ends up begging, her body undulating above him as his hands grip her thighs. She holds onto the headboard, which is thankfully bolted in place and doesn't knock, and she groans, shifting to give him more.

He takes it eagerly, lapping and sucking until she's coiled tight, gripping with white knuckles in one hand, the other tangled in his hair, pulling a bit. It only seems to spur him on. He slips one hand around and delves into her, and she tumbles over, sparks of pleasure fissuring out along her limbs until she literally has to push his head away, collapsing backward, sprawled half across his body, upside down.

He chuckles and runs playful fingertips along the creases of her thighs and the inside of her knees, leaving her keening softly.

She—she was going to—punish—and make beg—and—

"Kate."

She opens her eyes and finds him beside her now, backward along the bed. "Hmm?" she manages, rolling to meet him, her sweaty body plastered to his.

"Need you," he mumbles, pressing his lips to her throat, leaving a wet, sticky trail along the column of her neck, her clavicle.

She groans at the feeling of him between them. But she doesn't think she can be on top right now, still so much jelly. And she wants more than the gentle rock of them twined together like this.

She doesn't want to worry about this tonight. She just wants to _feel_. It's not what she planned, and yet, "Get behind me."

He pulls his lips from her neck and stares at her. "You—"

"Just fuck me, Castle," she growls, plundering his mouth until he's practically vibrating around her.

"Turn over," he whispers.

She obliges, an odd level of trust between them spiking high, despite all they've been through tonight.

She turns over and raises herself on her hands and knees. She feels him there behind her, but he doesn't move for a long moment. She feels a gentle brush of his fingers against her scars and she growls. No. Not tonight. He's not coming anywhere near their bed tonight, not for her, not in the scars, not for Castle.

She presses back against him, smirking as he grunts in response. Her smirk vanishes and she groans as he slides himself in, the angle new for them and so very full. It's all the better when he drapes himself over her, fingers threaded through hers, his head pressed close as he rocks forcefully, turning every so often to press sloppy kisses to her face as they pant together.

She's strung taut and everything narrows to their point of contact, nothing left to think or feel than the wet slap of them together, his breath on her cheek. He releases one of her hands and slides his palm down and down until he can speed her along, her breath coming out it little whining pants.

He grunts, the sound guttural and male and it shoots something through her. He shifts just so and she breaks, gasping as he holds her up and keeps pushing, going and going until she's completely gone, almost too far even to feel him tense and release.

He stays over her, one hand holding her up, stuck wet to her stomach, the other still curled over her fingers. He drags his lips along her sweaty neck and breathes out hot along her shoulder.

She heaves in air, half willing to fall down and let him sleep there on top of her. After a long moment, he pulls away, and she's instantly cold. He leaves the bed and she allows herself to fall, rolling to watch as he comes around for her, his hand out, beckoning.

She doesn't want to, wants to just curl up against him and sleep. But she acquiesces and takes his hand, lets him lead her into the bathroom and into the shower. She takes his tender ministrations, love and apology and pride as he washes himself from her skin, lets her do the same to him.

"Some make up sex," he murmurs.

She snorts out a laugh, looking up at him, his hair wet and dripping into his eyes, cheeks flushed and smiling. "Yeah," she agrees, wiping the fringe off his forehead.

He bends down and presses his lips to hers, languid and slow. "Maybe we should fight more often."

She huffs and pulls back, landing a light smack to his chest. "Bite me," she lets out.

He laughs, full and bright and wraps his arms around her. "Maybe later. I need sleep."

She shakes her head against his shoulder and he tightens his arms, the two of them standing under the shower.

"No more," she says into his skin.

"No more," he agrees, turning his head to press his lips to her forehead. "I promise, Kate. No more."


	21. Chapter 21

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 21:**

"No, I understand."

Kate startles as she comes out into the living room. She pauses, watching the slump of Alexis' shoulders at the kitchen island, her phone pressed to her ear.

"I do. Mom—no, it's okay, I promise. I know. _I know_."

Kate approaches slowly, not wanting to interrupt, but unwilling to watch the girl sink any lower on her stool, sitting there in jeans and a tee shirt at six in the morning.

"Have a good shoot, mom. I'll—yeah, we'll take, we'll take lots of pictures. I love you too."

She steps up just as Alexis clicks off of the call, letting her phone clatter to the counter. She stiffens as Kate lays a hand against her back, turning to look at her with bright eyes.

"Hey," Kate says softly.

Alexis tries to smile, but sniffles. "Hey."

"Happy graduation day," Kate whispers.

This time, she manages a real smile, wiping at her eyes. "Thanks," Alexis whispers back.

"Why are you up? You don't need to be there for hours."

"Mom," Alexis says, shaking her head and running a hand through the tattered edges of her hair, fallen from her braid. "They start shooting in an hour. She's in makeup, and she wouldn't be able to call again until…after. So."

Kate nods and rubs the girl's back. Alexis sighs and wipes roughly at her cheek. "Why are you up?"

She wasn't expecting to need to have a reason. Castle's still asleep, Martha will be as well. She was hoping to get out and get back, no questions asked. She just…needed a moment.

"I'm, ah," she trails off, unsure of how to explain.

"Do you need to go to work?" Alexis asks, not accusing, just curious.

Kate sighs. "Probably. But actually I—" She considers the teenager sitting there before her, missing her mother. "I was going to go see my mom for a bit, just…"

"Oh," Alexis says softly. "Oh," she repeats. "Okay. Um, do you—do you want some food first? I was going to…make cereal. But we could have something else."

Kate shakes her head. "I'm not hungry. And neither are you, liar."

Alexis smiles sheepishly. "Yeah."

"You don't want to spoil the huge meal your dad is going to make, do you?"  
"Ugh," Alexis groans. "He's going to go really crazy, isn't he?"

Kate laughs. "His only daughter is graduating today. What do you think?"

"Will you be back in time to rein him in?" Alexis asks hopefully. "Not," she adds hastily, "not that you should rush. I didn't—"

Kate smiles. "I will."

Alexis nods and relaxes. Kate watches as she glances at her phone, that easy happiness seeping out of her, her cheeks curving in a frown.

"Why don't you come with me?"

Alexis looks up at her, surprised. Kate's a bit taken aback as well.

"To—"

"More to just get out of the house," Kate says quickly.

Yeah, take the kid to visit her dead mother. Cheery way to kick-off graduation day.

"I—okay. Sure. Um, let me grab shoes."

Kate nods and Alexis slides from her stool. "I'll tell your dad," Kate says, turning back for the bedroom.

She can't very well take Alexis and not let him know. After last night—man, she was planning to just sneak out. That could have backfired, badly.

"Castle," she whispers, crouching down by his sleeping form.

He grunts and goes to turn over but she catches him with a hand against his rough cheek. "Castle."

"Mm-wha?" he mumbles, squinting his eyes open.

"I'm taking Alexis for early breakfast. We'll be back."

He blinks at her. "Brk-fast?"

"Yeah," she says, smiling at the sight of him so dopey with sleep. "Go back to sleep. I'll leave a note."

He grins exhaustedly at her and promptly falls back to sleep.

She watches him for a moment before standing and scribbling on the pad he keeps on his bedside. She doubts he'll remember that she woke him, really.

She slips back out of the room and finds Alexis waiting by the door, wearing a large hoodie and a pair of keds. Kate smiles and grabs a set of keys, ushering the girl out the door. They match. She's wearing one of Castle's sweatshirts.

It's a quiet ride out to the cemetery. They sit together in the back of the cab watching the city pass. Alexis' eyes are far away as she gazes out the window and Kate stares out her own, the past few months flashing before her eyes.

Two months ago, solving her mother's murder would have been the first thing on her priorities list. Second only, maybe, to making things right with Castle. Now—she glances at Alexis, who gives a listless sigh.

Now she wants this life more than she wants her answers.

She doesn't question it, doesn't worry that she's making the wrong choice, or letting her mother down, her father—hell, he's been asking her to step away from this for years. He asked _Castle_ to make her stop, for God's sake.

And he did. He put his own life on the line, twice now, to keep her safe.

She won't throw that away, not again.

Alexis reaches over and touches her shoulder, and Kate realizes they've arrived at the gates to the cemetery.

"Thanks," she mumbles to Alexis, sliding her card to pay their tab before Alexis can. She scoots out and reaches back to take Alexis' hand, helping her out of the cab before it speeds away, leaving them standing there.

Together, they look up at the wrought iron gates, the sun just rising behind them.

"Come on," Kate says softly, keeping hold of Alexis' hand as they step across the threshold and walk down the wide path separating the two sides of the cemetery—where the hearses drive.

"When was the last time you were here?" Alexis asks as they wind their way through the graves.

It helps, that the sun hasn't fully risen. She hasn't been here since before her shooting. It's a different cemetery, but still, she thought—well, she assumed it wouldn't go well.

But together, with Alexis at her side, it's not so scary.

"A while," Kate offers, giving the girl a little shrug. "Back when I shot her killer, I think."

"Oh," Alexis says quietly.

Kate squeezes her hand and makes the familiar turn by the large oak that marks her mother's row. It's six stones east of the tree, and two north.

She could probably walk it with her eyes closed.

They come to a slow halt as they reach the familiar headstone.

"The truth conquers all things," Alexis recites from the engraving. Kate nods, staring at the stone.

The truth conquers all.

"She used to say it, when I was little," Kate says softly. "One of her favorite phrases. Made me seem like a really precocious three year old, saying it in preschool."

Alexis huffs a small laugh. "I'm sure it was just that."

Kate glances at her and finds the teen looking back at her. "You're one to talk, Valedictorian."

Alexis smiles and bumps her shoulder. She looks back at the headstone. "Do you think it does?"

"What?"

"That the truth wins out, eventually?"

Kate sighs and pulls the teen into her side, wrapping her arm around her shoulder. "I like to."

"You shouldn't give up," Alexis says as her hand fists in the back of Kate's sweatshirt. "I—it must mean so much to you."

"It does," Kate agrees. "But the truth doesn't conquer death." Kate stares at the cold, hard rock before them—all she has left of her mother. "She knew it. She had the truth. Whatever is at the top of this mess, she knew it, and they killed her for it."

Alexis leans her head against Kate's shoulder and sighs.

"I—someday, we'll find out. Someday, we'll know. But today," she pauses and considers the plaque. "I want to be there when you make your speech, and when you graduate from college, and when you get married."

"I'd like that," Alexis says quietly.

Kate wishes her mother could meet Alexis. She knows she would love Castle—loved Castle long before Kate did—his words, at least. But she wishes Johanna could meet Alexis, who is so much the embodiment of her spirit, despite their lack of blood relation.

"You remind me of my mom," Kate says, smiling as Alexis stiffens. "The jokes that you make, the way you keep Castle in his place, how smart you are. You would have gotten along."

"I'm sure," Alexis agrees. Kate glances down and finds the teen blushing.

"She would have been very proud of you."

Alexis blushes more and bobs her head. "I'm sure she's very proud of you, too."

Kate smiles. "I think—my father thinks she would have wanted me to step away from this a long time ago, despite," she gestures to the epitaph. "I think she'd kick my ass for letting it go on this long."

"It's not like you asked to get shot."

Kate snorts. "True."

"I still say she'd be proud of you."

"Thanks," Kate says, turning to wrap the teen up in a hug.

She'd wanted to come and…explain. To pour her heart out to a slab of granite and ask forgiveness for walking away from the search for justice. Instead, she finds herself hoping her mother is watching. She hopes she can know Alexis, somehow, can know Castle.

She wants to show off the life she's building, rather than ask forgiveness for the ghosts she's no longer chasing.

Alexis pulls back after a long moment, searching in her jacket. "Here," she says, holding out a silver chain.

Kate smiles softly, recognizing her mother's ring dangling in the middle. "Oh," she says.

"I meant to give it back ages ago. I just kept forgetting. I don't know if, um, if it'll be comfortable yet," she adds, glancing at Kate's concealed bullet wound. "But I didn't want you to look for it and not find it."

"Thank you for keeping it safe," Kate says, taking the necklace from Alexis and staring at the ring. "I—I would have been devastated if he took it."

Alexis nods, touching the diamond. "It's beautiful."

"Yeah," Kate agrees.

"I'm sorry she can't be there for your wedding."

Kate offers Alexis a sad smile. "I'm sorry your mom isn't going to be there today."

Alexis bobs her head. "Me too."

Kate hesitates for a moment then looks down at the necklace. "Here," she says, undoing the clasp and motioning for Alexis to turn around. "Borrow mine for the day."

Alexis turns slowly, allowing Kate to reach around her and latch the chain. She sweeps the teen's hair away and settles the necklace, smiling as Alexis revolves to face her. She touches the ring, staring at Kate, lip between her teeth.

"If you want to," Kate adds, shrugging a little and feeling like maybe she's made the wrong move. "It's not—the same, I know."

"Thank you," Alexis says softly, clutching at the ring, before yawning wide.

"Come on. Let's get home so you can sleep a little more," Kate says, guiding the teen away from her mother's grave.

"I'm not tired," Alexis says, even as she leans heavily on Kate. "I'm just…"

"Exhausted?"

"Yeah," the girl agrees.

"Yesterday was rough. Today's a big day. Even if you don't sleep, let's get home and let your dad make a big breakfast."

"Are you sure you don't need to go in? We could stop at the precinct on the way back," Alexis offers as they reach the main path again.

Kate shakes her head.

If they go in, she—she feels so strongly about this decision, but seeing the evidence, hearing it from Javi and Kevin—she needs today. She wants today to just focus on Alexis. Tomorrow, she can figure it out.

"No, let's go home. I'll go tomorrow."

"Okay," Alexis agrees, almost too quickly.

Kate squeezes her to her side and plunges into a conversation about hairstyles and graduation caps. She doesn't want the girl to worry about her mother's conspiracy today.

Today is her day.

(…)

She stares at herself in the mirror as she puts in earrings Martha loaned her. They're these beautiful silver and purple diamond pendants. She tried to resist, but the matriarch was persistent, and they do match her dress.

She can see her cell ringing on the bed. She's silenced it. She texted both Javi and Kevin and told them she was taking a personal day and she would be out of touch.

It hasn't stopped ringing.

"Kate?"

She turns and finds Castle emerging from the closet, doing up his cufflinks. "Handsome," she offers.

He smiles, then glances to the phone. "You're not—"

"No," she says.

"I—we can swing by the precinct on the way."

"No we can't," Kate replies, rolling her eyes before grabbing her cell and shoving it into the clutch Alexis loaned her.

At some point she's either going to have to go back to her apartment or move all of her belongings here. She's lacking in the girly things.

"Alexis needs to be there early, and I said I'd go with. So did you, for that matter."

"I know. But if you need to—"

"Aren't you the one who said I needed to stop digging in the first place?"

He sighs. "Kate."

"No, Castle. Not today. Tomorrow, we'll deal. Today, let's go watch your kid graduate, okay?"

He stares at her, a piercing look in his eyes, and finally, finally nods. God, you'd think he didn't want them all to be safe and sound.

"Okay, then come on. You took forever getting pretty and there'll be traffic."

He laughs and grabs his own cell from the bedside, before stepping up to her at the mirror.

"I'd say so did you, but pretty is an understatement," he husks in her ear.

She smiles, ignoring the flush that runs up her neck at his words. She does look nice—feels prettier than she has in a long while, despite the thin line on her cheek.

The dress fits well, and he managed to find a tie to match. They look good together.

His arms wrap around her waist and she leans back into him, content. "I wanted to look nice," she admits.

He smiles. "I love you."

"I love you too," she says, meeting his eyes in the mirror.

He winces as she leans further back into him, raising a hand unconsciously to his chest.

It makes her gut clench. "Hey," she says softly, turning in his embrace to raise her fingers to the spot. She chucked a book at him. "I'm sorry."

He blinks then glances down at their hands on his sternum. "Oh," he mumbles, shaking his head. "It's—I'm fine."

She sighs. She hurt him. It was in the heat of it, and she'd never raise a hand against him, but she _hurt_ him. "Still," she says, arching up to press her lips to his cheek. "I'm sorry, Castle."

He turns and catches her lips, lingering against her for a long beat, his hand coming to rest at the base of her neck. "Forgiven," he whispers as they pull apart.

She nods slowly, a last weight rising off of her shoulders. No more. No more anger, no more irrationality, no more fighting. Just _no more_.

"I have tissues in my purse, for when you cry," she says, noting his eyes clouding just a hair, remember why he's forgiving.

He scoffs and pulls away from her, winking before snagging her hand to bring her out into the foyer. "Like you won't," he taunts, reaching into the coat closet for her white coat.

She turns and lets him put it on her as Martha trots down the stairs, Alexis following behind her, gown in one hand, cap in the other.

"And there she is, the graduate," Castle says, reaching out to pull his daughter into an awkward hug.

Alexis laughs, dodging his attempts to smack kisses to her head.

"Okay, okay. Let's go," she says, ducking out of his arms and scurrying around to hide behind Kate before he can do damage to her hair.

Martha laughs and ushers them all out of the loft.

Kate's the last one out, and she ends up locking up, turning to watch as the three of them congregate by the elevator, Martha's arm around Alexis, and Castle looking back at her, hand outstretched.

She's made the right decision.

(…)

"Hello?"

She smiles, patting Castle's arm and leading him toward Martha in the bank of seats ahead of them. He offers her a wink and then his face goes slack, iPhone held to his ear. He pulls to a stop, lurching her backward.

"No, no, Captain, I—yes, of course I under—you know what, here, um, here's Beckett."

He pushes the phone at her. She gapes at him and he looks back, equally flabbergasted.

"Castle," she hisses.

"I—what do you want me to do?"

She narrows her eyes at him but raises his phone to her ear. "Hello," she says warily.

"Detective Beckett."

It really is Gates. Calling her on Castle's phone.

"Hello, sir," she says, glancing around as the crowd swells behind them, more and more parents coming to take their seats. She squeezes Castle's arm and the detaches, waving him toward Martha.

He goes, wary.

"That's all you have to say?" Gates prompts as Kate ducks into the adjoining hall that surrounds the auditorium.

"I—"

"You disappear from work yesterday, don't answer your phone, and I'm told you haven't been responding even to text messages."

She gapes and leans up against the wall. They filched on her?

"Sir, I'm—I apologize for my abrupt—"

"I do not want your apology, Detective. I want you to report for duty. Now."

Kate closes her eyes. "I can't, Sir."

"You can't," Gates repeats. "Are you aware, Detective, that I've just suspended Detective Esposito?"

"You what?" Kate lets out, eyes popping open.

"He ran off, no back up, and nearly got himself killed by your shooter. Detective Ryan and I found him hanging off the edge of the building."

"He—what?" Kate repeats. Her _shooter_?

"He said it's what you would have wanted."

Kate swallows, hard. Fuck, Espo. What the hell? "Sir, I didn't order him to—"

"You certainly weren't there to stop him, were you?"

"Excuse me?"

"I understand that you are dealing with a difficult situation right now, but I reinstated you with the understanding that you would be doing your job."

Kate bristles. "I have been, sir."

"No," Gates says, her voice harsh. "You haven't. I expect you at the precinct in thirty minutes."

Kate stares hard at the doors to the auditorium. The ceremony starts in ten minutes.

"Or what?" she hears herself say.

The line is quiet. She breathes, trying to make sense of it. Javi ran off and nearly got killed by her shooter? And he's…still out there? Oh, God, and she took Alexis to the cemetery this morning…

"Or you're suspended," Gates says after a long pause. Kate blinks.

Castle's face appears near the doors. He waves at her and points to his watch. She can hear the graduates lining up down the next hall.

She's not going to miss this. She's not going to let the case take another moment.

"Fine," Kate says.

"Excuse me?"

"Suspend me. I will call you tomorrow morning to discuss the terms."

She takes a deep breath, and clicks off of the call. She stares down at the phone for a moment, shocked and angry.

"Kate?"

She looks up and finds Castle standing in front of her.

"Here," she says, handing the phone over. "Turn it off."

"Why?" he asks as she takes his arm and leads him back into the auditorium.

"Because I'm choosing you."

"You're what?" he mumbles as she guides him to Martha's row and pushes him in ahead of her. "Kate, what's going on?" he whispers as the lights dim.

She sighs and turns to meet his eyes. "That's my always, Castle," she says, glancing at the phone. "Turn it off. Let's watch your daughter graduate." He considers her for a moment before slowly turning off his phone. "Goes back on tomorrow morning."

"Okay, Kate," he agrees.

"And here," she adds, digging in her own purse to pull out a tissue.

He laughs and takes her hand, holding tight to the tissue in his other. "Thank you."

She smiles and presses her cheek to his shoulder as the graduates start to file in across the front of the room. They watch as Alexis walks out, near to last, closest to the stairs to the stage. She looks out at the room and finds them, smiling brightly.

They smile back and Kate hears Martha make a small sound. She laughs and reaches into her purse, passing over another tissue.

Martha grins at her and dabs at her eyes as the graduates take their seats and the principal walks across to the center podium.

"And thank you," Castle whispers. She meets his eyes. "For getting her here."

He brushes his thumb across her side, his arm wrapped around her body, tracing over her incision site. Kate covers his hand with hers and nods, unable to find the words to express how much it wasn't a choice but a deep, gnawing need to make sure that the teenager at the front of the room gets to have her life.

She feels Castle's phone digging into her thigh through his pocket. This is her stand.

(…)

"That is some kid you've got there, Rick."

They turn, waiting in their little group for Alexis to reappear. All three of them are a little misty, Martha still dabbing at her eyes.

"Thank you, George," Castle says, clasping hands with the man Kate thinks is the Vice Principal.

"And may I add, congratulations to you as well," George continues.

Kate sucks in a breath. Oh, shit, they never told him. It—of course it got around. Teachers talk, after all. The whole, "this is my stepmother, Kate," fiasco seemed silly at the time.

Oh, God.

She feels like her cheeks are on fire as Castle says, "Well thank you. I'm so proud of her."

Three, two… "Of course, of course. But I meant on your recent wedding."

And there it is. "My—"

"Thank you," Kate puts in, wrapping her arms around Castle's, hiding her left hand in the fold of his elbow.

The man smiles and then catches someone else's eye. "If you'll excuse me."

"Um," Castle says, turning to Kate. "Something you want to tell me?"

"Dad! Gram! Kate!"

Kate breathes out a sigh of relief as Alexis scurries up to them. She lets go of Castle so he can wrap his daughter up, murmuring to her as she buries her face in his shoulder. Martha goes next, the two of them exchanging quiet whispers while Kate avoids Castle's eyes.

Alexis breaks from Martha just before Castle can start in again and Kate takes her hug eagerly.

"Your speech was beautiful," she tells the girl, smiling as Alexis arches onto her toes, their embrace a full-on bear hug.

"Thanks," she mumbles into Kate's neck.

"And by the way, your Vice Principal just let slip that your dad and I are married."

Alexis pulls back, stares for a moment, then bursts into laughter, hanging onto Kate to stay standing.

"Oh, oh, I'm so sad I missed it! I'm so sorry, but I'm just…not. Oh my God."

Kate laughs and sees Martha smiling into her hand. "Do you want to explain?"

Alexis shakes her head, looking impish. "Nope."

"Wow, such solidarity."

"Pick your battles," Alexis tosses back, laughing as Kate sighs.

She keeps smiling at the young woman, happy to have picked this as her battle. Her phone vibrates dully in her purse.

"Would either of you like to explain why George thinks I've been recently married?"

Kate keeps a tight hold on Alexis as the girl tries to squirm away. Martha's just there laughing at them.

"We may have fibbed to get me in the day she had her exam," Kate offers, going for cool.

"Fibbed."

"That, ah, we were related, by marriage."

"What?" Castle manages.

"Paige? Oops, gotta go," Alexis lets out, slipping out of Kate's clutches.

Kate scowls after her, but Alexis just winks and zips off.

"You what?" Castle asks, his face slowly forming into a grin.

Kate rolls her eyes. "Oh check your ego, Castle."

"Well this is certainly cause for celebration," Martha says, walking over to put her arms around them both. "We'll have to toast to your happy union."

"Traitor," Kate hisses at her.

Martha grins. "Ah, dear, welcome to the family."

Kate finds herself laughing and Martha gives her a squeeze before stepping away to greet another friendly face. Castle takes her place, wrapping his arms around her and looking down with a crooked grin.

"So everyone here thinks we're married?"

"Not…everyone," Kate hedges, narrowing her eyes as his grin widens.

"I feel cheated here, Beckett. You didn't even buy me dinner."

She shakes her head and straightens his tie. "Fine. I owe you one. First date is on me."

"We're married and we haven't even been on a date. I've missed everything," he whines, laughing as she tries to pull away.

"Shut up," she gets out, giggling as he leans in to press a smacking kiss to her lips.

"Mm, what was that, dear?"

"Jeez," she huffs.

He chuckles and pulls her in for a real kiss, releasing her with a light pop before meeting her eyes, suddenly serious. "Really, thank you. I'm sure it wasn't comfortable, the lying."

Kate smiles and brushes at his fringe. "It wasn't too bad. The stepmother part was easy. The…explaining the lack of publicity for the wedding, not so much."

He smiles and pulls away from her to take her left hand. He studies her fingers before glancing at her dress.

"Do you have your mom's ring?"

"Alexis has it."

"Oh," he says, cocking his head. "Okay?"

Kate smiles. "It's fine. Everyone will just think you're cheap."

He snorts and wraps his arm around her. "Hardly. Look at you."

"Excuse me?" she says, bumping him with her hip. "Are you saying people will think you hired me?"

"How else could I get someone as beautiful as you?" he whispers against her ear.

"Oh, God, Castle. That's—I don't know whether to hit you or hit you harder."

He laughs and squeezes her shoulder. "Mm. Sorry, dear, you married me. Comes with the territory."

"Oh, just wait until we get home, honey," she tosses back, hiding her smile as he grunts.

By the time they leave the school, she's been called Mrs. Castle ten times. Four of them were by the man himself, but still. Alexis waves to a few friends as they all climb into Castle's car, Kate and Castle in the front, Alexis and Martha at the back.

"So, dinner, ladies?" Castle asks as they pull away from the school.

"Mm, if you don't mind, darlings, could we swing by the loft? I'm going to head out before it gets too late."

"Are you sure you can't stay for dinner?" Alexis asks her grandmother.

Martha smiles at her. "I would dear, but you know how much I dislike driving."

"And how much other drivers dislike her driving," Castle mutters from the front seat.

"I heard that," Martha calls out to him. Castle just shakes his head. "I'll see you soon enough," she promises Alexis. "And we still have to discuss."

"Right," Alexis agrees, her voice a bit more subdued.

Kate glances at Castle but he shrugs, apparently not privy to it either. Alexis and Martha chatter in the back until they pull up to the loft, the three of them waving goodbye as Martha hurries into the building.

"You think there'll be any house left after this weekend?" Alexis wonders as Castle pulls off from the curb, heading to Alexis' favorite Italian restaurant.

"Doubtful," Castle says easily. "But Kenny will keep her in line."

"Kenny?" Kate wonders.

"Our groundskeeper. He makes sure Mother's crazy friends don't trash the place. Well, he tries."

"There was an incident a few years ago with a dune buggy and our pool," Alexis adds, meeting Kate's' eyes in the rear view.

"You have a dune buggy?"

"Not anymore," Castle grumps.

"How big is this place that you had a dune buggy?" Kate wonders.

"Big," Alexis admits.

"Hey," Castle interjects. "It's not like…ostentatious big."

"Yeah it is," Alexis says easily. "But it's really great. Maybe we can go up some weekend when you're off," she suggests, looking a little shy back there in the backseat.

"Sure," Kate says quickly just as Castle opens his mouth. "How about a week or two?"

"What?" they say together.

Kate sighs. She shouldn't have done that. She should have waited until she spoke with Gates, should have gotten the timeline from her.

"How can you take two weeks off?" Castle asks.

Well, in for a penny. "I, ah, kind of got suspended earlier?"

They nearly crash into the car in front of them as Castle whips his head to look at her.

"Castle, the road."

"You what?" Alexis lets out.

"I, ah, it's a whole thing, but I'm—Gates suspended me. I'm sure it'll just be a few weeks."

"But why?" Alexis insists, looking mildly panicked.

Ah shit. "Just—there have been some issues with my…overseeing my duties, and I wasn't reachable when an, ah, incident occurred with Esposito this afternoon."

Castle gives her a sharp look and she returns it. This is still Alexis' graduation day.

"Because you weren't there?" Alexis asks, that look of panic growing.

"No," Kate says quickly. "No. Because I wasn't keeping better track of the case, and that led to my missing something from Javi. It has nothing to do with today."

It has nothing to do with the graduation, everything to do with her flat out choosing to ignore anything and everything that wasn't a Castle. That was her choice. And she's being punished for it.

"You know what though?" she says, glancing at both of them. "Two weeks in the Hamptons sounds amazing."

"Beckett." "Kate."

She sighs and gestures to the road. "Let's just get to the restaurant. And talk about how amazing your speech was, Alexis."

She sees Alexis roll her eyes and slump in the back. Castle's hands are tight on the steering wheel, his mouth set.

Kate takes a deep breath and leans back in her own seat, feeling like shit. She didn't mean to ruin the evening, just—suggest a nice trip for them. Somewhere out of the city, where they can feel safe.

Damn.

(…)

"Castle, stop it," Kate hisses, glaring at him across the booth as Alexis heads to the bathroom.

"What?" he grumbles back.

"I'm sorry I even said anything. But you have to stop looking like someone kicked your puppy."

He gapes at her. "What am I doing?"

"You're—both of you are so focused on this."

"Because you got _suspended_!"

"Yes," she agrees. "And I'm just fine with that. I need you to at least pretend you are so Alexis stops…so Alexis gets to be eighteen tonight."

He closes his mouth and nods stiffly.

She watches as he picks at a breadstick, his posture straight and guarded. "We will talk about it," she says softly.

His eyes cut to hers. "Yeah."

"I promise I'll explain. I just—I don't—this was my choice. I could have gone in and taken a beating for it instead."

"You—what?" he lets out, looking like he wants to jump up and take it for her.

"It's not important," Kate beseeches. "I'm where I want to be, Castle. I don't want to let this consume my life, so I'm not. I need you to be okay with that."

"But she—Gates—"

"Acted accordingly to my insubordination. And in a few weeks, it'll be fine. Now smile, tell your daughter how eloquent she was, and buck up, Castle. Your baby graduated tonight."

"Kate," he says, looking lost. "I just—"

She sighs and reaches out, taking his hand. "Castle. Look at me. Am I upset?"

"No," he says slowly.

"Am I devastated?"

"No," he says, narrowing his eyes at her.

"Did I run out of the auditorium to go grovel?"

"No," he agrees.

"Then shut up, pass me the butter, and get over yourself."

He gives her a dramatic gasp, then cracks a smile. "As long as you're really okay."

She smiles, exasperated but touched all the same. "I love you. I love your daughter. And I'm hungry."

He squeezes her hand and passes over the bread, watching with some kind of bizarre delight as she butters her roll and takes a large bite. "What?" she mumbles.

"Nothing," he says with a smile, his shoulders relaxing. "Hey, pumpkin," he adds as Alexis scoots back in beside her.

"Bread?" Kate entices, ripping her piece in half and passing it to Alexis.

Alexis takes a bite and scrutinizes her father before relaxing next to Kate. "So," she says, glancing at her.

"So, I was just telling your dad that I am looking forward to a few weeks at the beach. When do you want to leave?"

Alexis stares at her. "Um."

"If you want to go," Kate corrects.

"No, no," Alexis says quickly. "We should, definitely. Um, maybe we go on Friday?"

She looks across at Castle, who nods, smiling at his daughter. "The water will be cold," he warns.

"There's a pool, isn't there?" Kate tosses back.

"Heated," Alexis agrees, smiling now. "And this huge library, and a hot tub."

"Sounds like heaven," Kate says lightly.

"Can be," Castle agrees. "I'll let Mother know we'll be joining her tomorrow."

"Good," Kate says, smiling. They'll make this work. "So, miss graduate, have you decided?"

"Decided what?" Castle wonders.

"The party tonight," Alexis says, turning to Kate. "I—I think I want to go?"

"That's great," Kate says immediately as Castle goes to protest. "Is everyone going?"

Alexis nods, looking nervous, but excited too. "It might go late."

"Are you sure you don't need anyone to go with y—hey!" Castle turns accusing eyes on her as she retracts her foot.

"Did you just kick him?" Alexis asks, laughing.

Kate winces and looks over at her affronted boyfriend. "Um," she offers.

"In heels," he adds to Alexis. "Violence is never the answer, Kate."

Alexis laughs more, now fully relaxed, and Kate smirks at Castle, who reaches down to rub his shin. Honestly, it was a tap. He winks at her as Alexis giggles and she narrows her eyes.

"Keep your phone on and don't let anyone pour you a drink," she tells the teen.

"And no boys," Castle gets in.

"Shut up, Castle."

"Dad."

He holds up his hands. "Fine, I'm out numbered." he glances at Kate.

"I'll have my cell on," Kate tells her. "But you'll be just fine. It'll be fun."

Alexis nods and meets her eyes, decisive. "Yeah, it will."


	22. Chapter 22

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 22**:

"She'll be fine."

Kate turns and finds Castle walking up to her, two wine glasses in hand as she stands before the window, looking out on the balcony in his office.

"I should be telling you that," she says, taking the glass he offers and sipping from it. The wine glides down her throat, smooth and rich. "Good," she adds.

He smiles and takes his own sip, stepping up to stand at her side. "So," he says softly.

Kate nods. "Javi went rogue. They got a tip, figured out who my shooter is, where he was—that he killed Costas. And Javi…went after him." Castle tenses, mouth hanging open. "Apparently he was nearly thrown off a roof."

"What?"

She sighs. "And Kevin told Gates, so they got there in time, but I—I wasn't around, or reachable, to stop him. And she demanded I go in, but the graduation was starting. So I said no."

"Beckett."

"She said she'd suspend me, and I said fine. And then we watched Alexis graduate."

She turns, looking up to find him just staring at her, aghast. "I'll call them tomorrow. I'll go in tomorrow. I'll…take whatever she wants to dish out, I just wanted," she pauses and looks around at the office. "I just wanted one day to give it up. I didn't want to let this case take another day, Castle. So…I didn't."

He puts his glass down and scrubs a hand over his face. "She'll let you go back. I'm sure it won't stick."

Kate shrugs. "So what if it does? It's one black mark on my record. I'll live."

"And Espo?"

"I texted him and Kevin on our way back. They're both fine. Javi's been suspended, and Kev's pissed, at both of us, but it's—we'll get through it."

"It's not your fault."

She shrugs and sips at her wine, turning back to the window. It is her fault. She chose not to go in. That was her choice, and it's cost her, cost Espo, cost Ryan. But this is her case. She gets to choose. And she's choosing Castle and his expensive wine, and his perfect daughter.

"Alexis' speech was amazing," she offers after a long moment.

"Yeah, it was," Castle agrees. "And she looked happy, taking pictures and everything. Do you think she's happy?"

Kate bumps his shoulder and puts her glass down on the window sill. "I think she is," she says, turning to run her hand down his arm, tangling their fingers together. "Today she's happy."

He smiles and bends down to press a soft kiss to her mouth, bringing their hands up to rest on his chest as his other wraps around to rest on the base of her spine.

"Are you happy, Kate?" he whispers as they break apart.

She leans into him, resting her head on his shoulder. "I am," she promises.

There are many things she doesn't know yet—how this life works without her mother's case, how she stops the case when so much has come to light, how she's supposed to react to her shooter being on the loose. How she's supposed to go about her life without this weight on her chest.

But happy? She thinks she is. Happier for certain than she's been in a long time.

"Are you, Castle?"

He breathes, his chest rising and falling against her, hand stroking through her hair. "Yes."

She smiles and then laughs as music clicks on and he sways with her, twirling them around his cluttered office, both of them still in their graduation clothes.

And it almost feels normal. For a moment it doesn't feel like she's waiting for the other shoe to drop, like there's this wall of grief and pain waiting to collapse and crush them both.

It's just the two of them dancing in his office, both a little heady. Like maybe she was never shot, and never abducted, and there were never secrets, and somewhere, her mother is alive and well and all the terrible things just never were.

After five soft jazz songs, they slow and she feels Castle pull her closer, burying his head in her shoulder.

She was waiting for this.

"You okay?" she whispers..

He sighs against her neck and shuffles them over to the couch so he can pull her down and into his lap. She strokes her hand through his hair.

"She _graduated_," he mumbles.

"Yeah," she agrees, rubbing her fingers across the soft skin of his ear. "Valedictorian."

"She's going to college." She nods and hums as he pulls his head back, meeting her eyes. "I don't like it."

"At least she's just a subway ride away."

"Too far," he asserts, chuckling as she laughs.

"I know."

"And don't get me wrong, I want her to go out and be…normal again, feel normal, but I like—I've liked," he breaks off, shrugging.

"Me too, Castle," she says, waiting until he meets her eyes. "But she'll visit, and she'll call, and she will need you to tell her how to fix mistakes, and balance checkbooks, and how to cook eggs the way you do. I promise."

"How to make eggs like me?" he asks, huffing slightly.

"Do you know how many times I wished I could call my mom because I couldn't get something to taste right? Because I knew she added something to her pancakes to make them special, but she never told me, never told my dad?"

His eyes soften, sadden, and he shifts them around so he can really hug her too, not just clutch at her.

"And Alexis—I don't know Meredith well enough, but I think those are the calls she'll make to you."

He chuckles. "The woman couldn't cook a turkey if her life depended on it. Nearly burned down the loft the only time she tried."

Kate thinks of Alexis at the counter that morning, the lost look in her eyes. She wishes Meredith were more. That Alexis had that source of wisdom to go to in her mother.

At least she has Castle. Kate smiles and presses her lips to his cheek. Castle is more than 'at least.' She has an amazing father. She'll be fine.

"You know she's dying to get that french toast recipe out of you, right?" Castle says after a pause. "She and mother have been plotting about it."

"They've never asked," Kate exclaims, surprised. "I—it's just—" His fingers press against her lips and she laughs.

"Let them coerce it out of you. I don't want to know."

"You don't?" He practically inhales them.

"Nope. I want you to make them. Why would I need to know?"

Kate rolls her eyes but lets him have that one, relaxing further against him. She's tired.

She closes her eyes and leans against his shoulder, the soft music and rhythmic rise and fall of his chest lulling her into a dozing state.

She'd meant to make up for kicking his shin earlier, to make him forget all about Alexis leaving home, and the case, and everything but the press of her body. But she's so tired.

She feels Castle laughing silently as she snuggles into him. "Shut up," she whispers, swiping blindly up at his cheek. He catches her hand and kisses it.

"Let's go to bed."

"But—movie," she mumbles. They'd planned to watch a bunch of movies, something about John Woo.

"Tomorrow," he promises, standing slowly with her still in his arms.

She really needs to break him of the habit. She's more than capable of walking herself back to bed.

And yet, she lets him unzip her dress, lets him help her out of it, and the brassiere that's made her back and chest tight all day. He kisses the back of her neck, his palms spanning her still-too-narrow waist. He rests his forehead against the back of her head.

She feels him release one of her hips to trail his fingers along the marring slashes on her back. She shivers and he stills behind her.

"Sorry," he whispers.

"No," she manages. Every time he touches them, to rub in the cream, accidentally, it sends a jolt through her system—that something so tender can be made of what was agony. "I'm fine."

He turns her slowly and bumps their cheeks together as he dips to press his lips to her, dusting across her face, her neck. His fingers trace around the wide edge of her bullet wound, his other hand spanning the length of her incision site.

"What you did, Kate," he breathes out. She watches as he takes stock of every mark, every scar. "What you're doing, I—"

She reaches up and cradles his face in her hands. She doesn't want to hear it, not again, not now. "Is what I want," she insists, bringing his eyes to hers. "I did what I had to to get us through it, and get us out, and I'm doing the same now. So just…"

He surges forward and claims her mouth, wrapping her up tight to his body, his suit rough on her naked skin.

"I love you," he pants out as they break apart. He keeps her there, staring hard at her. "I get to be grateful, okay?"

She huffs. "No."

He laughs at her and kisses her nose, laughing more as she wrinkles it. "Did you see my daughter up there tonight? She wouldn't be up there without you. So just…"

She rolls her eyes and tugs out of his grip, collapsing onto his bed in her underwear. "Fine," she says as she squirrels under the blankets.

"Beckett," he gets out, walking around to jostle her shoulder as she resolutely tries to fall asleep to escape his thanks. "Teeth."

She moans. They told her she had to be extra careful, given that they were without toothpaste for three weeks, and the lack of calcium.

"No," she says petulantly, snuggling deeper.

"Yes," he replies, grabbing her hand to pull her up, yanking just hard enough to make her relent. "I don't want to be getting you fitted for dentures just yet."

"Gross, Castle," she mutters, following him into the bathroom to do a quick brush of her teeth and take off her makeup. Her skin doesn't fare quite as well now either, especially her cheek.

He goes about his nightly routine beside her, the two of them quiet. The marks on her body do look angrier tonight somehow, her skin pale under the lights, the lines stark.

"What?" she asks as she wipes the water from her face. He's just staring at her.

"You're beautiful."

She glances into the mirror, where her tired eyes look back, rimmed with dark circles. The line on her cheek is dark tonight too, her stomach and chest a crosshatch of raised scars, the bones of her shoulders too prominent.

"Okay, you can either take me thanking you for literally saving my daughter's life and supporting her through the aftermath, or you can say, 'thank you, babe,' because you're beautiful. One or the other, Beckett."

"Thank you, babe," she parrots, laughing. "Jeez."

"Yeah, I'm the difficult one," he teases back, shrugging out of his dress shirt and hanging it over the hook on the door. "Back to bed with you."

She lets him herd her back to the bed, climbing under the covers as he strips down to his boxers and follows her. He shuffles over, curling on his side so they're sharing her pillow. He brushes the hair out of her eyes and smiles, sleepy in the dim light still filtering in from the bathroom.

He has a motion sensor in the bathroom. She's shacking up with a millionaire who thinks she's beautiful.

"I'm really glad you're here," he whispers.

She smiles and turns, kissing his palm. "Me too. Now stop."

He grins and shifts, wrapping his arm around her as his other slithers beneath her pillow. "Nope. You're amazing, and smart, and hot and—"

She covers his mouth. "Rick," she demands. His eyebrows raise at that. "Please. Stop."

"Why?" he mumbles beneath her hand.

She sighs and drops her hand, not sure if she can explain. She just wants—she wants them to be normal. She doesn't want his thanks, or his adoration for this heroic thing he thinks she did. She just wants them to be normal, and common, and…untouched.

"You do realize that I can say this stuff now, right? I have four years of compliments, woman."

She laughs, startled. "What?"

He groans and leans in, kissing her, before pulling back to meet her eyes. "I am your boyfriend. I get to lavish you with compliments and pretty things, right? I thought that was one of the perks."

"You don't need t—"

"Want to," he insists, cutting her off with a look. "I have time to make up for here, and you're cramping my style."

She shakes her head at him, can't explain this need all of a sudden for him to stop.

The whole time they were stuck in the basement, all she wanted was to get Alexis home, to get her to her graduation. She wanted to make sure Alexis had the life she didn't get to have—to have her childhood, her young adulthood unfettered by outrageous loss.

She didn't quite manage it, but she got them out.

And now here she is, with this amazing man telling her she's beautiful, and thanking her for his daughter's life, and they're out, and they're safe, and she finally gets to have the life she wants Alexis to have someday and it's just…

It's too much, and he needs to stop, because she's already crying.

"Kate?"

"I," she manages, gasping at the sudden tears.

Really? This is how she's ending her day? Crying because she has this? All of this?

"Hey," he soothes, turning them to wrap her up on his chest, his arms banding around her. "What's going on?"

"Just," she gets out, her cheek sticky with tears against his skin, her hand gripping into the sheets behind his neck as she begins to cry in earnest. "Don't know," she admits.

He hums, rubbing her back. "This is totally because you didn't cry enough during her speech."

She giggles through the tears, nodding. "Sure."

She tries to stop after a minute, tries to rein in whatever torrent is coming out—whatever this relief and happiness and grief is that's clawing up her chest, but she can't. She just keeps crying, getting hot and sweaty and snuffling until she has to slide off of Castle, too warm.

She has to sit up to breathe properly, huddling against the headboard. He doesn't let her get far, sitting up with her and passing her a box of tissues.

"Sorry," she gets out as another sob wracks her frame.

This was not the night she intended.

He shakes his head and rubs her knee where she's pulled it up to her chest. "Do the same for me the night Alexis goes to college."

Kate looks over at him. "Who says I'll be any better?"

He laughs and scoots close enough to wrap his arm over her shoulders and kiss her head. "Then we'll be a mess together."

"Okay," she gets out, wiping futilely at her eyes. Her head is starting to hurt. She wants to go to sleep, but she can't stop crying.

"You don't do this enough," he whispers. She huffs. "But now I know your secret."

"Huh?"

"All I have to do is shower you in well-deserved praise. Good to know."

She swats at his chest and lets herself lean into his arm. "I—I take compliments very—well."

"You do not," he says lightly. "But you are pretty when you cry."

She snorts, then coughs, then snuffles. "Right."

He laughs and strokes her hair. "You're pretty puking, Beckett."

"Ugh," she manages, starting to calm down.

"Not all women can pull that off."

"Castle," she protests, her breath coming deeper now. "Stop."

"I think it's your cheekbones. They're just so—pow, you know?"

"I will hurt you," she chokes out before blowing her nose. "I'm—ugh, this—not what I—ugh." She's not even forming sentences.

He smiles and takes a tissue, dabbing at her face. "Do you want a bath?"

"No," she says, shaking her head. "My phone here?"

He nods, pointing to her bedside table. "The steam would help."

She manages a smile. "I'm okay."

He cocks his head. "Are you, really?"

She shrugs. "I'm—for tonight. Sorry. I didn't mean to…um, explode, like that."

He sighs at her and gathers up her tissues, tossing them into the bin on the other side of his nightstand before coming back to scoop her up and settle them down again just as the bathroom light clicks off.

"Kate, if you cried every night for the rest of our lives, I wouldn't be surprised," he tells her softly as he wraps himself around her back, spooning her.

She pulls his hand up under her chin, her fingers curled around his as he threads a leg between hers. "I won't."

He hums behind her. "No, but you could, and I wouldn't care."

"I won't," she insists, almost to herself.

He squeezes her. "Okay."

(…)

The ringing of her phone pulls her abruptly out of a pleasant dream about the beach. She fumbles in the dark, pulling away from Castle's surprisingly strong grip on her to reach out and grab the offending devise.

The caller ID reads: Alexis.

"'Lexis," Kate mumbles into the phone. The sound of soft labored breathing meets her ear and she comes fully into consciousness. "Alexis?" she repeats, shifting Castle's arm off of her to sit up. "What's wrong?"

"I—can you come get me?" the girl says softly.

"Of course," Kate replies instantly, shuffling immediately out of bed. "What's wrong?"

"I just—I want to come home, and I don't think…don't think I can walk."

"Are you hurt?" Kate demands, slipping into a pair of jeans she left on the arm chair.

"No," Alexis says, her voice still that same soft, dull tone. "Think I'm drunk."

Kate stills. Oh. Well, okay. "Where are you?"

"Lobby," Alexis replies. "Doorman gave me a water bottle."

Kate bobs her head as she fishes out a sweater and shoves it on. "Okay," she repeats. "I'll be there in about fifteen minutes. Are you safe?"

"Doorman," Alexis says quietly.

"Right, okay. Just stay where you are, and I'll be over in a few."

"Thanks," Alexis mumbles before clicking off.

Kate stands in the middle of the bedroom, staring at her phone.

Alexis is drunk and wants to come home. How, exactly, does she explain this to Castle?

She bumps into the dresser as she goes to grab her purse. "Kate?"

She sighs and shuffles around to his side of the bed, squatting down to meet his bleary eyes. "Alexis wants to come home. I'm going to go get her."

"Oh," he says, squinting at her. "Okay?"

"We'll be fine. I'll be back soon."

He nods and reaches out to grab her hand before she can stand up. "You okay?"

She softens at that. "I'm fine. Go back to sleep."

He nods, then tugs on her hand. "Safe?"

She pauses for a moment, considering, then smiles at his sleepy concern. "Yeah, Castle. It's safe. We're done, remember? I don't go after him, he won't come after me." She's not sure it's true at all, but she has to believe it is. The alternative is too chilling.

He nods once and releases her hand, falling back into sleep. She smiles and watches him for a moment, before coming back to herself and heading out. Alexis is drunk?

She spends the drive focused intently on the road, because it's 2:30am and she's still a bit groggy and puffy. When she arrives at the building they dropped Alexis off at earlier that night, there's a spot already waiting for her in the loading zone.

She parks and hustles up to the door, where a very tired, very beleaguered looking doorman takes one look at her and lets her in. Either they've got lax security in this ridiculous apartment complex, or he knows exactly who she is.

She steps into the spacious, marble-floor lobby and spots Alexis right away. The girl is huddled on one of the uncomfortable settees arranged across from the front desk, staring down at her hands.

"Alexis?" Kate prompts, sitting down next to her.

"Here," Alexis says, her voice rough and hoarse.

She extends something to her and Kate takes it, surprised to find her mother's ring in her hand, attached to a broken silver chain.

"You shouldn't have given it to me," Alexis continues, sounding very much like she's no longer that drunk.

Kate carefully tucks the chain and ring into her purse and reaches out to still Alexis' twitchy hands. "What happened?"

Alexis shakes her head. "Can we go home?"

"Okay," Kate agrees, taking her hand and pulling her up. Alexis stumbles a bit but manages a sure footing.

She allows Kate to lead her outside. The doorman gives them a polite nod as they go. Kate wonders how long Alexis was sitting down there, why no one was with her, why she can still hear the distant thump of an over-loud bass speaker, yet Alexis is leaving with her.

She helps Alexis into the car and jogs around to get into the driver's seat, watching as Alexis buckles herself in with no trouble.

The teen isn't drunk. She barely seems buzzed.

But she's not talking, just staring out the window, so Kate follows suit and drives them home in the quiet. She feels her own shoulders rising as they come to stop at a light.

She wasn't worried at all to be out in the car alone at two in the morning, but now, with Alexis beside her—what if her shooter is out there? What if he's looking for her?

She's never been so glad to see the turn into the building's underground parking lot. Once they've parked, she turns to Alexis, forcing her focus back to the quiet teen in her passenger seat.

"We're home."

"Oh," Alexis mumbles, unbuckling. "Thanks," she adds, glancing at Kate before getting out of the car.

Kate follows, hurrying to catch up as Alexis walks to the elevator. She touches the girl's elbow as they step into the waiting lift. "Hey, what happened?" she prods gently.

Alexis shakes her head. "I just—I didn't want to be there anymore, okay?"

Kate nods slowly, letting the girl pull her arm away. They're silent as they ride up to the penthouse. Kate walks to the door and lets them in, watching as Alexis calmly walks inside and heads immediately for the stairs.

No, nu-uh.

"Wait," Kate lets out, stepping around to block her path. "Are you hurt? Do you need meds? Have you had enough to drink?"

Alexis goes to protest, then seems to deflate. "I'm fine. I had one drink, got really buzzed, but it faded. I'm fine."

Kate considers her, noting the way Alexis keeps glancing at the stairs, fidgeting. She thinks about the ring in her purse, the way Alexis held it so gingerly.

"You don't have to talk about it," Kate says slowly. "But you should drink more water, even if it's faded by now."

Alexis nods and changes course, heading for the kitchen. She navigates getting a glass down and filling it with poise. Kate joins her, sitting on one of the stools as Alexis leans back against the sink, looking out at the apartment.

She'd love to just wrap the kid up and coax it out of her, but this Alexis is a different girl from the one they left at that party. That teenager wanted hugs and reassurances. This one—this one is brooding.

"Does it ever stop?" she wonders.

Kate hesitates. "Does what stop?"

"People asking," Alexis says harshly. "Wanting detail after detail about it. Was I scared? Was I hurt? Did I really watch while he mutilated you? Were we really in a basement? Did I really lose that much weight, or have I just not been eating?"

Kate's mouth falls open. "What happened?"

Alexis shrugs and puts down her glass. "I got mad," she says quietly. Kate waits. "So I drank. I did a shot, I think. And it hit me like a train."

"Because you're so thin," Kate completes for her.

Alexis nods. "And then a couple people, they just—they kept asking, and getting really close. I tried to, um, push my way out, but the chain got caught on someone's dress, and it broke. And I kind of…snapped."

Kate watches as Alexis scrubs a hand over her face. "The ring, um, rolled on the floor, and I sort of yelled, and cried, I think. Paige kept telling me I was over reacting, and Derek found the ring, and it was fine, but after that, everyone just—" she looks up at Kate, suddenly exhausted.

"I'm—I just couldn't _take_ it anymore. And I didn't want to have to explain, and they kept asking why I…why I had a ring, and who you were, and why I was crying. Other people were crying," she adds, angry. "There were people crying over nothing! Just drunk crying, but with me…"

Kate sighs and stands, walking cautiously over to Alexis. "It's okay," she promises the teen.

Alexis huffs. "It's not. I can't be like that. I can't just…get angry."

Kate blinks, staring hard at the side of Alexis' face. It's a little red, slightly puffy, as if it's starting to bruise. "Alexis, did someone hit you?" she asks, her voice harsher than she intends.

Alexis looks up at her. "Um, Paige slapped me, trying to calm me down."

"What?" Kate demands, reaching out to turn the kid's face so she can look at her inflamed cheek. Paige _hit_ her?

"I was a little out of it after. She thought it would help. I think it was harder than she meant. She's…drunk."

"That doesn't make it okay," Kate asserts, turning to grab an ice pack from the freezer. She wraps it in the hanging dish towel and holds it up to Alexis' face.

Alexis jerks but takes the ice pack with a wince. "She didn't mean to."

"Hey," Kate says, waiting until Alexis looks at her. "It's not okay for her to hit you, no matter how hysterical you were." Alexis shrugs. "Alexis, I need you to tell me you know that."

"I was—"

"No," Kate says, incensed. "No one gets to hit you, no matter what you do. I don't care if you were screaming and pouring beer on people. She doesn't get to hit you."

"I was," Alexis whispers. "Screaming, though."

"So what?" Kate insists. "When you're having a panic attack, do I hit you?" Alexis gapes at her, as if the very idea is absurd. "Does your dad?"

"Kate," she protests.

"You know it's not okay," Kate says firmly. "The next time anyone raises a hand to you, you hit back."

Alexis laughs, startled. "She was drunk. I wasn't going to slap back."

Kate frowns. "Fine. But you getting upset doesn't justify anyone slapping you, or anything else. You got scared, and something of yours was broken. You get to be upset."

"I shouldn't have screamed," Alexis deflects. "I—I just, I never once lost it when we were…when we were trapped. I held onto it the whole time, and then tonight, it got ripped off of me, and I was so angry," she says, looking up at Kate, beseeching. "I was so angry. I'm still—I'm…"

Kate nods, reaching out to pull Alexis into a hug, the ice pack cold against her shoulder as Alexis grips her hard with her free hand.

"You should be angry, Alexis," Kate tells her. "And maybe you were more angry tonight than you would have been otherwise, but you get to be angry. And no one gets to hurt you for that."

"I know," Alexis mumbles.

"Good," Kate says firmly. "I'm glad you called."

Alexis pulls back and studies her face. "You're all puffy."

Kate rolls her eyes. "Yeah, well, at least I'm puffy because of me. I can't believe that little shitface hit you."

Alexis lets out a loud laugh. "She's not a shitface."

"Anyone who hits you is a shitface in my book," Kate tells her. "I get to hate the kid that hits my kid, okay?"

Alexis blinks, nodding slowly. "Okay."

"Now, do you need Advil or anything? I can get you the steroid cream we use on my scars; it should help the swelling."

Alexis shakes her head. "I'm good." She pauses for a second. "Can you not tell dad about this?"

Kate hesitates. "I—he knows I went to get you."

"No," Alexis corrects. "About this," she gestures to her face. "I don't—he'll get really upset, and call Paige's mom, and I—it's not worth it."

Kate has half a mind to drag the little bitch down to interrogation. Castle's reaction would be getting off easy.

"Please, Kate?"

Kate sighs. "Fine. Let me go get the cream then. He'll notice if you've got a big swollen cheek tomorrow."

Alexis nods gratefully and points up the stairs. Kate waves her away and heads back toward the bedroom. She probably should tell Castle, all things considered.

She manages to sneak through to the bathroom without waking him, turning on just the lighted vanity to search for the extra-strength cream they gave her for her back. It takes swelling down like a champ. The kid might still bruise, but hopefully, the ice will stop that.

She glances at herself in the mirror and bites at her lip. If she could have saved Castle the sight of her scars, she would have. She understands why Alexis wants to keep it between them.

This once, she'll do it.

Anyone touches the girl again, and she's siccing Castle on them. After her. So she can take them down and he can pummel them into the earth.

She smiles as she passes back through the bedroom, noting the way Castle's wrapped around her pillow.

When she reaches Alexis' room and knocks, she finds the girl already in her pajamas, sitting on her bed with the icepack held to her cheek, yawning.

Kate chuckles and sits down next to her, angling her toward the lamp before gently pulling the pack down.

"How's it feelin'?"

Alexis winces as Kate touches her cheek gently. "Sore," she admits.

Kate clicks her tongue and spreads the cream gingerly along the teen's swollen cheek.

"Are you mad?" Alexis asks as Kate goes back for a little more to get the side of her jaw.

"At Paige?"

"At me," Alexis says, fiddling with the icepack in her lap. "For getting drunk."

Kate scoffs and caps the scar cream. "You had one shot, I'd hardly call that drunk."

"I shouldn't have been drinking," Alexis says sullenly. "It made me all…" she gestures in the air.

"You had a drink. I should have said something about your tolerance before you left," Kate tells her. It hadn't occurred to her, but of course the poor kid's going to drop like a stone with a shot at this point. She needs to gain at least six pounds before she'll be any good to drink.

"What tolerance?" Alexis insists. "I'd never—I'd never had anything to drink before, and I'm underage."

Kate laughs. "Sweetie, why are you even asking me this? So you had a drink. Big deal."

Alexis narrows her eyes. "You're not disappointed in me?"

Kate cocks her head. "Should I be? It sounds to me like you tried alcohol and reacted like a normal teenager, with a slightly lower alcohol tolerance and a bit of a panic attack. Hardly your fault."

"I almost lost your mother's ring," Alexis says, starting to get upset now.

Kate reaches out and takes her hands, tossing the ice pack onto the bedside table. "Hey. I have my mom's ring. You kept it safe."

"But what if—"

"It didn't," Kate cuts her off. "The only consequence of tonight is that I'm going to throttle Paige the next time I see her, and you'll have a headache tomorrow."

"Don't kill Paige," Alexis mumbles.

Kate laughs. "You need to let yourself have tonight, Alexis. Everyone gets drunk and belligerent from time to time, with much less provocation."

"But everyone thinks I'm a freak now," she whispers, meeting Kate's eyes.

"Well, I don't," Kate promises, watching as Alexis relaxes just a hair. "And you're not a freak. You had a freak out—a pretty justified one, from the sound of it."

Alexis nods slowly then reaches out. Kate smiles, and wraps her in a hug, stroking her hair as the kid buries her face in her shoulder.

"Adulthood sucks," Alexis mumbles.

Kate laughs and pulls her back to meet her eyes. "Yeah, it does."

"Thanks," Alexis says on a little laugh.

"It'll get better," Kate promises. "But now, you need to sleep, miss graduate."

"Ugh," Alexis lets out, nudging Kate. "Don't remind me."

She slips out of Kate's arms and climbs under the covers, curling in a ball so her toes press against Kate's thigh.

"Why not?" Kate wonders.

"High school graduates don't come home early."

Kate shakes her head and stands, turning out the lamp, leaving a constellation of glow-in-the-dark stars from years past shining from the ceiling. She crouches down and finds Alexis' eyes.

"I'm proud of you for leaving when you did, for calling, for telling me."

Alexis bites her lip, blushing. "Thank you," she whispers.

Kate smiles and brushes the hair from her forehead. "Go to sleep."

"Can we have french toast tomorrow?"

Kate laughs and nods, squeezing the teen's hand. "Of course we can."


	23. Chapter 23

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 23:**

"Kate?"

She startles as she tiptoes into the bedroom, expecting to find Castle still sacked out.

"Hey," she whispers, climbing in beside him. He's squinting, looking around, perplexed.

"Heard voices. Alexis came home?"

She stiffens. She'd thought he was really awake when she told him. Apparently not.

"Yeah. She and Paige had a fight and she wanted to come home early, so I went and grabbed her."

"Oh," he says, nodding slowly. "Did you wake me?"

"I did," she says quickly, feeling uneasy with his stiff posture, the over-wide look in his eyes. "You fell back to sleep."

He bobs his head. "I don't always fully come to. Alexis got me to agree to a puppy once. Biggest fight we ever had the next morning."

"Ah," Kate mumbles.

"Is she okay?"

"She's fine," Kate promises. "A little upset, but she's asleep."

"Crappy end to graduation day," he offers after a beat. She reaches out but he's up and out of the bed before she can even brush her fingers down his arm. "I'm just gonna…check on her."

She watches as he stumbles out of the room, feeling a little lost. She shakes her head and lays down, tries to fall asleep. It was a miscommunication, hardly her fault. She counts her breaths and pushes it from her head, but she doesn't fall back to sleep, awake now and unsettled.

A car door slams outside and she twitches, reality settling over her. Her shooter is still out there. They got back to the loft this time without any trouble, and she does believe, she does, that if she doesn't go after him, he won't come after her.

And yet, her back is stiff and her breathing shallow, and it's past three in the morning and she can't sleep.

She jumps as Castle shuts the door to the room, shuffling over to climb into bed. "She okay?" she asks softly, letting Castle's presence soothe her nerves a hair.

"Snoring," he offers. "She drink?"

Kate bites her lip. She doesn't think he'll be mad, but she doesn't know where he really stands on it, to be honest.

"Kate."

"A shot," she admits. "Didn't like it much."

Castle snorts and shifts to lay on his back, both of them staring up at the ceiling. "Why didn't she call me?"

Kate blinks. "Is your phone off?" She can't remember seeing him bring it to bed.

He breathes out for a moment. "Yeah, you shut it off at the graduation."

Kate winces. She did, didn't she? Told him to turn it off, so Gates wouldn't call again. She knew her phone would stay silent. After all that happened, no one really wants to talk to her.

"But she's okay," Castle murmurs after a quiet minute.

"Yeah," Kate agrees.

She withholds a sigh of relief as his fingers close over hers, tugging until she turns and cuddles into his side, the sudden tension between them disappearing.

"Should we teach her to do shots in the Hamptons?" he wonders.

Kate laughs, surprised, and feels him bend to kiss her forehead. "Sure, Castle."

His laugh rumbles beneath her ear and her chest expands, panic and nerves giving way to the solid pound of his heartbeat against her cheek.

(…)

"He did not," Kate insists.

"He did so," Castle counters, pointing his fork at her. "He came up and told me I had the three most beautiful women on my arm."

"Dad, there's no way Principal Fitzgibbons even spoke to you, let alone said that. He hates you."

"I'm offended," Castle says, giving Alexis his best pout. "He mildly loathes me. Hate's too strong."

"What did you do to get such love out of her former principal?" Kate wonders before stuffing another piece of toast into her mouth.

They're all seated around the dining room table eating breakfast, wearing pajamas. Both she and Alexis look a bit the worse for wear. Castle somehow looks thoroughly rested. Bastard.

"I…may have, um, regaled a bunch of donors with one of our more gruesome escapades and lost the school a prized investor?"

"What?" Kate exclaims as Alexis laughs. "Which case?"

"The one with the mobster who killed people by suffocating them with plastic bags," Alexis offers. "He had to cough up the donor's share too."

"And it was a lot. He should be thanking me. I gave ten grand over what the other guy was going to."

"Well, come on, that's pocket change," Kate says, smirking as Castle grins at her, so pleased.

"I think they're more excited to be done with dad then they are to be done with the year," Alexis adds, winking at Kate.

Castle scowls and pulls the plate of strawberries Kate cut up to his side of the table, away from Alexis. Alexis just rolls her eyes and goes back to eating, voraciously.

If nothing else, alcohol and upheaval seems to up the kid's appetite.

Castle glances at Alexis then back to Kate, grinning. Kate nudges him with her toes, smiling back.

It's a good morning.

There's a knock on the door and Castle looks between them. Kate waves him off as he goes to get up. She stands and moves to the door. She's the most dressed of the three of them, wearing sweats and a tee shirt. Alexis changed into matching pjs, and Castle's wearing a robe over a tee shirt and boxers.

Kate opens the door and finds Paige standing on the other side, looking haggard and a little green.

"Oh," the girl says, stepping back.

Kate realizes she's glaring at her, heavily, her cop glare.

"Um, is Alexis here? I—I wanted to…"

"Apologize?" Kate prompts.

Paige swallows. "Yeah," she says softly.

Kate waffles. She could just shut the door, hard, and pretend it was a delivery person, confused. She could tell the little shitface to shove it.

But Alexis wouldn't.

Alexis is far more forgiving than Kate.

Still. "If you ever raise a hand to her again, I will not hesitate to bring you in on battery charges," Kate hisses, blocking Paige from view with her body, the door only open a crack.

Paige stares at her with wide eyes before nodding. "Okay."

"And if you so much as make her frown, I will throw you out on your butt, you understand?"

Paige nods again, her eyes huge and shining.

Okay, she needs to stand down.

"Alexis," she calls, opening the door wide so Castle and Alexis can see. "Paige is here."

Alexis turns startled eyes on them, looking from Paige to Kate and back. Kate gives her a slight smile, since it really does look like the girl kind of expects Kate to snap her best friend's neck.

She wants to, but then she'll be brought up on battery charges, or slaughter charges, and she's already been suspended.

"Oh, um, hi," Alexis manages, getting up from the table.

"Can we talk?" Paige asks quietly.

"Sure," Alexis replies, jerking her head toward the stairs. "We'll be…"

Kate and Castle nod, watching as Alexis leads her obviously hungover friend up the stairs. Kate shakes her head and smiles as Castle starts gathering plates.

"Some fight," he says, looking over at her as she goes to close the door.

"Yeah, they—"

"Beckett."

She jumps, startled, and turns to find Ryan standing in the doorway. "Ryan," she gets out.

"Hey, I'm sorry to barge in like this."

"No, of course, come in," she says, pulling herself together.

It's not lost on her how tense he seems, or how he's carrying a police file. He walks over to the kitchen, where Castle's loading the dishwasher.

"Can I get you something?" Castle offers.

Ryan shakes his head and looks between them as Kate joins them at the island. "I know you've, um, stepped back," Ryan says, his fingers toying with the file, "but we've found something, on your mother's case, and I need your help."

"Ryan," Kate objects. "I've—I'm suspended."

"Yeah," he agrees, giving her a look at that. "But Beckett, this is—we figured out what Costas was killed for, what he stole from Montgomery's place."

He slips a photo out of the file and lays it on the table. "It was Montgomery's wedding album, and he was looking for someone. We think it was this guy." He shows them both the photo, a dignified man with a glass of champagne, from nearly twenty years ago. "Does he look familiar?"

Kate scrutinizes the photo, but it doesn't ring any bells. "No," she says quietly. "It doesn't."

"It does," Castle says at the same time. "That's—that's Smith. Younger, obviously, but that's him, the man who's protecting you," he adds, looking at Ryan.

"Who?" Ryan asks, glancing between them. "What's going on?"

"There—there was—is a man, who had a file that protected Beckett and Montgomery's family. But, if this guy is after him—"

"Then we need to find him before Maddox—your shooter—does," Ryan agrees.

"Guys," Kate protests, even as it hits home, hard. "I…I gave this," she peters off as she hears Alexis and Paige shuffling around upstairs.

"Beckett, if we don't get to him first, there'll be no one stopping Maddox from coming after you," Ryan says as Castle stares at the photo.

"Okay," she says, feeling like everything is crashing down around them. A picture. They've got a picture, that's it. "Okay, um, Castle. What—what do you know about him? Did he ever give you an address, anything?"

"No," he says, staring hard at the photo. "But, um, he called. Two nights ago."

"I'll pull your phone records," Ryan says immediately. "And you—stay here," he says, looking to Kate. "I know Gates is expecting you. I'll…I don't know, but I'll stall her. You _stay here_."

Kate nods slowly. "Okay."

"I mean it, Beckett," he adds, glancing at Castle before meeting her eyes. "This guy tossed Javi off a roof. I don't want you out there looking for him. I can't—I can't be in two places at once. I'm leaving a detail here."

"Okay," she says. She picked Alexis up last night. Oh, God. "I promise."

Ryan nods once then turns and hightails it out of the apartment, the door slamming behind him.

"Castle," she breathes out, clutching at the countertop.

She was supposed to be allowed to let this go. She was supposed to be allowed to have her life, and wait for justice. She was supposed to get to walk away. She wanted to walk away.

"We'll get him," Castle says, walking over to take her hands, ducking his head to see her eyes. "Kate."

"I—" she glances up at the ceiling. "I have to go," she says softly, her gut clenching.

She can't stay here, a sitting duck with his daughter upstairs, with his mother likely to come home at the wrong moment.

"No way in hell," he growls. "You promised Ryan."

"Alexis," she whispers.

"Will be fine with the detail outside as long as you stay put, all right? Safer with you here, Kate, than with you gone."

"I—I wanted this over," she tells him, squeezing his hands, hard. "I walked away."

He sighs and wraps his arms around her. "I know. But it's going to chase us until we stop it."

She buries her face in his shoulder, allowing herself just this one moment of weakness, one moment of feeling fucking sorry for herself. Because the life she has, the one she celebrated last night, it's all she wants. And she doesn't want to have to fight for it today. She just wants to _have_ it. Pretty, and wrapped in a bow.

"What do we do?" she mumbles into his neck.

"We solve it," he says, his voice sure and steady.

She pulls back and looks up at him. He stares back, warmth in his eyes—promise and pride and determination.

"Okay," she whispers. "Okay. Um. He's…uh, dressed well, prominent."

Together they turn to the picture and Castle peers at it. "And he has been that way for a long time. Look at his watch."

(…)

He watches as Kate paces back and forth in the office, her phone held out in front of her, face pinched.

"What do you mean he blew up?"

"I mean he blew up, Beckett. Smith rigged the file on a bomb."

"Shit," Castle lets out, suddenly absurdly grateful that Ryan told them to stay home, and it wasn't him or Kate who lifted that file.

"How did you find him?" Kate asks, running her hand through her hair.

"Better you don't know," Esposito says gruffly. "I'm on my way over."

"Ryan?" Kate asks.

"Why?" Esposito hisses back.

Kate and Castle exchange a look. He winces as Esposito growls and clicks off. Kate drops her arm and lets herself fall onto the couch.

"He blew him up?"

"He knew Maddox would get there before we did," Castle says, trying to believe it himself.

He's not so sure Smith would have cared either way, really.

"So the file's gone. We don't know if Smith's going to wake up," she recounts, staring up at the murder board now live on his smart board.

"But Maddox is gone," Castle offers, going for optimistic, because the alternative is currently shredding his stomach into pieces.

"And then what? We hedge our bets that whoever's behind this doesn't know the file's been destroyed?" Kate asks, looking over at him. "How the hell do we fight this?"

He sighs and goes to answer but finds himself clamping his mouth shut as Alexis appears in the doorway to the office. Her eyes automatically fly to the smartboard and both he and Kate scramble toward the corner of the desk, going for the remote.

"What's going on?" Alexis asks, looking between them.

Kate glances at him, mouth open. Right, because he knows what to do here?

They've always been able to shield her from this. Before, he's been able to send her away, or go to Kate's—the worlds separate and safe. But now it's all one big mess, her world is his world. And that makes it Alexis' world too.

"There's, um, been a break, in the case," Kate says quietly.

Alexis meets her eyes. "Oh."

"And we're—trying to help, from the sidelines. It's…not what I wanted," Kate says, almost a promise, as if she's begging for it.

He realizes with a snap that she is, beseeching his daughter to believe that a promise she made still stands.

How did everything get so messed up?  
"What happened?" Alexis asks, leaning against the doorjamb. "Why do you both look so…" she gestures.

He's not sure if she means scared, or angry, or nervous. Maybe it's a combination of the three. They're all still in their pajamas. Paige stayed longer than he expected she would.

"My shooter is dead," Kate says, her lips quirking. Alexis' do as well, and he suddenly feels a bit other.

There's a camaraderie between them he's not sure he'll ever share. And it's beautiful, but it's terrible and terrifying too, to see them look like that—so hollow in victory.

"That's good, right?" Alexis prompts.

"If we can recover the file he destroyed, yeah," Castle provides when Kate doesn't seem to get the words out.

"Oh," Alexis says, glancing at him suddenly. "Does that mean—what's…what's protecting Kate, then?"

"Right now? The detail outside," Kate says, her voice low.

"Oh," Alexis says softly, walking jerkingly over to the couch to sit down next to Kate.

"And Ryan, and Esposito," Castle adds, watching the light drain from his daughter's eyes.

"That's not enough," Alexis says, looking over at him, accusation in her eyes. "You can't think that's enough."

He sighs and watches as Kate reaches out and takes Alexis' hand, squeezing as the girl crumples next to her, her body just giving in and slumping against Kate's shoulder.

No, it's not enough.

There's a knock on the door and they all startle.

"Espo," Kate says, scrubbing a hand over her face. "I—we're not dressed," she adds.

He scoffs. "We weren't for Ryan."

"It's different," Kate says, shaking her head. "Let him in, I'll be out in a minute."

He nods and watches, surprised, as Alexis just follows Kate into his bedroom, the door shutting behind them.

Okay, well.

Esposito.

He opens the door to find the man with a black eye, his gun held at his side. Castle steps aside immediately and lets him in, horrified by how…destructed he looks. Esposito has always been the pillar of strength in their group, just behind Beckett, holding her up when she needed it.

He's so glad Maddox blew up.

"Where's Beckett?" Esposito asks, turning to look at Castle as they stand in the foyer together.

"Bathroom," he replies. There's a pause that he doesn't quite know how to fill. And yet, "Thank you," he manages.

Esposito looks at him sharply, his face much more intimidating today. "Why?"

"You went after him when Kate couldn't. Pretty glad you're not dead."

Esposito laughs, startled. "Yeah, that makes two of us."

He bites his tongue against suggesting he should thank Ryan for saving him. Instead, he leads the man into the living room just as Kate and Alexis emerge from the office, both of them dressed.

He passes Esposito off to Kate, unwilling to be the only one in his pajamas. He notices idly that Alexis is wearing a pair of Kate's leggings and a long tee shirt. It suits her.

He sighs as he enters the bedroom. It suits her, but she shouldn't fit into Beckett's clothes. They're not the same body type. They shouldn't be so thin they can swap clothes.

There shouldn't be a murderer after Kate.

He stares at himself as he does up the buttons of his shirt.

By all accounts, his daughter should still hate Kate, and he should still…be wounded, his pride struck down. Kate should be out chasing leads, not hiding at home, happy about it.

He doesn't want Alexis to hate Kate, doesn't want to give up the beautiful growth between his girlfriend and himself, doesn't want his partner out there chasing death. But he doesn't want this for them either—one tragedy after another after another.

There's nothing he can do about it now. He can't turn back time, and he can't smile it away. He used to be able to joke the two of them out of anything. But this—

Resolve steels over him. But this—this he can help her solve. And maybe if they can put it to bed, they can move forward and move on.

(…)

She watches as Alexis moves around the kitchen, making lunch. Castle keeps shooting her worried looks from the office where he and Esposito are going over his murder board. Again.

"Are you sure you—" she starts before Alexis gives her a look. "Right."

"Maybe I should look at the board," Alexis counters. "Fresh eyes."

Kate shakes her head. "We don't want you to know too much."

"Why? It's not like I'm going to Quantico."

Kate gives her a sharp look and Alexis shrinks slightly. "Not funny, Alexis."

Alexis nods slowly and goes back to slicing cheese. "Sorry."

Kate sighs. "I—I just don't want you wrapped up in this. If it was safer for me to leave, I would."

"Say that again and I'm telling dad," Alexis says softly, looking over at her. "And he'll do the yelling for me."

"Already did," Kate admits, giving her a tight smile. "Unanimously, the two of you want to be in the line of fire."

"Yeah, well, someone has to keep you from being stupid," Alexis offers with a shrug. "And I've got a better chance if you're both where I can see you. Freezers, and tigers, and bombs."

"Oh my," Kate completes. Alexis does laugh at that. "I just—Forget I said anything."

"Done," Alexis says with a decisive nod. "Now, cheese on your pasta?"

Kate sighs. "Please."

She watches as Alexis puts together four bowls, adding cheese and garlic—classic comfort food.

"Lunch," she calls out.

There's a scuffle from the office, and then Castle and Esposito appear, following the girls to the dining room table. They each sit, eating quietly for at least three minutes before Castle cracks.

"So, um, got any plans for…suspension?" Castle asks, looking timidly over at Esposito.

All three of them give him incredulous looks and Castle shrinks in his seat. She appreciates the effort, but really?

"I don't know. You mentioned something about a beach house?"

Kate snorts and watches as Alexis smirks into her pasta. Castle looks flabbergasted.

"Well, uh, of course you can join us. It's—well, in the line of duty, so of course."

Esposito cracks at that and chuckles. "Kidding, man. I'll sleep, maybe go see some old buddies."

"Spend time with Lanie," Alexis puts in.

Espo turns to look at her, surprised.

"What? Javi, I was _there_, remember?"

The man goes completely scarlet and mumbles something unintelligible into his bowl. Alexis glances at Kate and shudders comically. Castle just looks clueless.

Somehow, it's just so funny, Kate starts laughing.

Suddenly she's the one getting looks, heaving in air as she tries to stop what must be some sort of breakdown. Because her shooter is dead, and their only informant is apparently in the hospital and not expected to wake up, and yet—and yet Alexis is teasing Javi about kissing Lanie, and Castle looks adorable—

And the world didn't stop.

She gave up the case. She's suspended. There's someone, some powerful someone out for her blood, but the world is still turning. They're all still the same.

"Breathe, woman," Castle huffs, patting her back as she manages to get herself under control.

Esposito looks concerned, but Alexis just smiles and continues eating. For just a moment, it feels like it'll be all right.

(…)

"Well, if it isn't Judas."

"Shut up, Javi," Kate says immediately, giving Ryan an apologetic look as he stands in the doorway to the loft, a plastic bag of torn paper in his hand. "Javi," she insists, when the man continues standing in front of her, blocking Ryan's way.

He steps aside with great reluctance and Ryan brushes past him, bumping forcefully into his shoulder. Ryan holds the bag up for her inspection and she hears Alexis and Castle heading their way.

"What is that?" she asks.

"The file," he replies, that little spark of 'look, look,' alive in his eyes. The file Esposito said was destroyed in the explosion—Ryan collected the remains.

She can't help but smile at that, at that hope he has. They have the file. They're safe. She looks to the bag. If they can put the pieces back together. Oh, God.

"I have lamps upstairs," Alexis says, turning and bounding up the stairs as Esposito grudgingly leads Ryan to the dining room table.

Kate glances at Castle. It's one thing for Alexis to make them lunch, it's another—

"What are we going to do, send her out?" he mumbles to her, looking strangely defeated. It makes her chest hurt.

"Castle," she manages.

He shakes his head and pulls her in to press his lips to the crown of her hair. "I know."

And with that, he's at the table, helping Ryan and Esposito set out the pieces of torn file as Alexis hurries down the stairs with lamps and extension cords.

They're doing this, no matter how much it twists something in her gut to see Alexis as part of their team now.

This immediate family, and their daughter.

She sighs and follows them to the table, sitting down next to Alexis, Javi and Kevin as far apart as possible at either end of the table. She shakes her head and pulls a magnifying glass close, gathering a pile of scrap paper and tweezers. She doesn't have the faintest idea where Alexis found magnifying glasses.

"We tried to curate bugs once," Alexis mumbles, glancing at her from her own search.

"Bugs," Kate repeats.

"Any we found dead. And we tried to figure out genus and species."

"It was pretty cool," Castle interjects, glancing over at them before looking back at his pile.

"Did you keep them?" Kate wonders, piecing two thoroughly blank scraps together.

"Yeah," Alexis offers with a shrug. "Until mom came to visit."

"The deep fried—ow!"

Kate glances over and find Javi rubbing his shin, Castle glaring daggers at him. Kate hides a laugh and looks to Alexis, who is blissfully unaware.

"Meredith tossed them?" she wonders.

"Well, she…it grossed her out," Alexis evades.

"Alexis decided after that that she wasn't so into bugs," Castle offers, giving Alexis a soft smile. "I think I still have them at the top of the closet."

"You didn't throw them out?" the girl asks, looking briefly young and excited again—carefree.

Castle practically beams. "No. We'll look at them after?"

"If any of them survived."

"Are you saying you have zombie bugs wandering around?" Kevin pipes in.

Alexis laughs and there's a pause, all of the adults connecting in this moment of innocence, before Castle looks down.

"Hey," he says, the moment shattering. "I've got something—it's a number sequence."

"That could be anything," Alexis says slowly.

"No no, it's—it's eight numbers," Castle says. "Could be—"

"I've got 'cash' over here," Ryan adds. "And an 'm'."

"M," Alexis repeats. "I've got 'oney' on this one."

"That's a cash money order," Javi deduces, looking to Kate. "Which makes sense—"

"Because of the payouts to Montgomery, Raglan, and McCalister," Kate completes, staring at Castle. "You have the number?"

"I think so," he says slowly, gesturing for the others to bring their pieces.

They all circle around Castle's chair and there it is: Cash Money Order, and an eight digit sequence, 08672241.

"Montgomery?" Alexis says softly.

Kate nods and squeezes her hand. "Yeah."

Alexis swallows and squeezes back. "Oh."

"Do you remember that case—the dirty bomb?" Javi says suddenly. "The database we used?"

"The Federal Banking database," Kevin puts in.

"I still remember the password."

Kate stares at Esposito, feeling Alexis standing close. Castle's hand migrates to her lower back. They're all looking to her. This is her call.

There is someone out there gunning for her, for them. They need to know.

"Run it."

(…)

"Kate?"

She turns, blinking up as Alexis stands in front of her where she's seated on the couch in the office, Bracken's campaign speech still live on Castle's smart board.

Senator Bracken.

He doesn't look evil enough. Jerry Tyson was pure evil incarnate. Bracken is just so plain, so normal.

He killed her mother, and now he's a senator.

"Kate," Alexis repeats, holding out her phone.

"Sorry," Kate mumbles, taking the iPhone with stiff fingers. "Hello," she manages.

"He's dead."

Kate stares at the screen.

"Kate, did you hear me? Smith, he's dead."

Kate nods slowly. "I heard you."

"We—we tried, but by the time we got here, he was already in arrest, and they couldn't revive him."

Kate swallows and feels Alexis sit down next to her, the teen's hand coming to rest comfortingly on her back. She can't do this again. She can't make Alexis be her caretaker again.

"Okay," Kate whispers into the phone. "Are you coming home?"

"I'll be back soon. The guys—Ryan will drop me off. You—okay?"

"Yeah," she says, her voice a bit hoarse. "Yeah, I'm fine. We're fine. See you soon."

"See you soon," Castle repeats, and the call cuts out.

She'd wanted to go with them, when Smith woke up. She'd wanted to go and get her answers. But Ryan and Esposito and Castle thought it was too dangerous.

She could have fought them on it, she supposes, could have pulled rank, benched or not. But then she looked at Alexis, the teen still reeling with the discovery—Bracken. She couldn't leave, couldn't do it.

So she stayed and sent them to do the dirty work. And it was all for nothing. Their only lead is dead. Her only protection is dead.

"Kate," Alexis says softly.

Kate takes a deep breath. She has to—what? What is she supposed to do?

Alexis sighs softly and wraps her arm around Kate's back, pulling her into a hug.

She's supposed to be the adult here, that's what she's supposed to do.

"Are you okay?" she asks, pulling back to really look at Alexis' face.

She's pale and a little shaky, her lip pulled between her teeth. "Yeah," the teen offers. Kate narrows her eyes and Alexis shrugs, glancing at the TV. "I'm scared."

Kate nods, shifting so she can pull the girl into her side, can be the one comforting, instead of comforted. "I know," she agrees. "But we'll figure out a way, Alexis. We'll fix this."

"They're coming for you," the girl whispers, her hand clenched hard in Kate's shirt.

"There's a detail outside," she replies, feeble comfort.

"And tomorrow?"

Kate stares at the screen. She doesn't know. She doesn't know what tomorrow brings. "We'll—worry about it tomorrow," she says, kissing her forehead, lost for anything but gestures of comfort.

"Not enough," Alexis murmurs.

"No," Kate agrees. "But we've been through worse."

Alexis stills for a moment before cuddling closer. "Yeah."

"We made it through that. We'll make it through this. He's not so scary."

Alexis looks at the television and lets out a quiet snort. "No, he's not."

"Kind of pudgy," Kate continues, finding that somehow, this is helping her too.

"Beady eyes," Alexis agrees.

"And a square head. Can't be that much room for a brain with a square head."

Alexis laughs. "He doesn't look like he knows how to get his hands dirty."

Kate smiles as the girl relaxes against her. "No," she says, keeping her voice light. "He doesn't."

At least her shooter is dead. It'll take him time, a day at least, to line someone else up.

It'll take at least a day.

"Kate?"

She tears her eyes from the screen, from the idea flooding her head—from a plan she can already tell will make or break everything.

"Hmm?"

"I love you."

Kate looks down at the girl curled up against her side.

"I love you too, kid," she whispers, resolve steeling up her spine.

It'll take Bracken at least a day to come looking for her. She'll have to find him before he does.

(…)

"Let me take you somewhere."

She turns, staring at her reflection in the bathroom mirror, wearing his shirt and nothing else. Castle stands in the doorway in his boxers, his face open, eyes intent.

"Let me take you somewhere safe, Kate. We'll pack up and run."

She stares as he moves in close, wraps her in his arms, his back to the mirror so she's watching her own face as he presses his cheek to the crown of her head.

"We'll build a new life, and Alexis can take online courses. My mother—well, maybe mother will stay here. But we'll go, and I'll write from a non-de-plume, and you can be a PI."

Kate smiles despite herself. "Castle."

"Or we'll go and teach in Europe. I can get VISAS with new names. I—"

"Have a guy," she mutters.

He hugs her tighter for that. "We'll just disappear and you'll be safe."

She sighs, curling against him, savoring the contact even as she sees the resolve in her own eyes. They won't run.

They won't run because tomorrow, she'll take care of this.

"I'll never be safe, Castle," she whispers, closing her eyes when he makes a soft noise of protest.

"I—" he mumbles, but doesn't seem to know how to finish the sentence.

She presses her lips to his bare shoulder and breathes him in, determined to savor this—to savor him.

"Bed," she says quietly.

He nods and pulls back, leading her to the bed with soft fingertips. She lets him settle her in, lets him wrap her up, his body a steady warmth against her back.

"A senator," he whispers.

She squeezes his hand. "Could have been worse."

He stiffens at that and she sighs, turning in his arms so she can peer at him there in the dark. "It's bad enough," he tells her, brushing hair from her forehead.

She nods. "But we'll—he's not a God. He's just a man. And we'll find a way."

He blows out a breath before meeting her eyes. "We will."

She smiles and moves forward, pressing her lips to his. She wishes she could give him all of herself—that she could drop the last barrier and let him press her into the mattress—could give him that before the morning—could give herself that. But after today, after everything, after Bracken...She doesn't want this night marred with a panic attack.

And so she helps him shimmy his boxers down and presses her hips to his, hitching her leg over his thigh, their union quiet and slow. She forces herself to watch, to keep her eyes open despite the building pleasure of it, to catalogue every facet of his face—this amazing man who's willing to run away with her.

He would give up his whole life here to keep her safe.

It's her turn to keep him safe—to make them safe, protect what they have.

She wants this every night for the rest of her life, and she's going to make sure she has it.

"Love you, Castle," she gasps out as he hitches her leg higher, driving solidly into her.

He smiles, his eyes dark, chest heaving against hers. "Love you too."


	24. Chapter 24

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 24**

Gun, check. Holster, check. Leather jacket, check. Cell phone, keys, wallet, check.

She steels herself, standing in Castle's office with the quiet of the loft around her. She has to do this. She knows she does. There isn't another option here. Run away with the Castle's and never look back? She didn't survive three weeks of torture to give up the life they fought to get back to.

She'll make it work. She'll strike the same deal, _convince_ him into letting off until she's had enough time to quietly gather evidence, to build her case, their case. She'll cut down that sword of Damocles so they can just live their lives without looking over their shoulders. She'll make sure Senator Bracken doesn't darken their doorstep until she's damn ready to lock him up and throw away the key.

She nods to herself and strides out of the office only to come face to face with Alexis, munching on an apple in the kitchen.

"Hey," Alexis offers, looking tired but surprisingly rested.

"Hey," Kate manages, glad she put the jacket on, glad the kid can't see her gun. "I'm gonna go to the precinct."

"Oh," Alexis says slowly. "Is that…a good idea?"

"I'll get one of the guys from the detail to take me," Kate fibs. Something clenches hard in her gut.

She wasn't supposed to be seen leaving. She was going to make this fast and to the point, out and back before anyone was wiser. Easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.

"Okay," Alexis says, considering her. "Breakfast first?"

"No, but thanks," Kate says, mustering up a smile for the teen. "Rain check, though?"

"Sure," Alexis replies with a shrug. "Is it bad that I want French toast, again?"

Kate laughs. "Not at all. You can make some."

"Not the same," Alexis offers, waving her off.

Kate swallows, watching as Alexis ducks into the fridge for the Britta. Out and back. Out and back. But what if she doesn't make it to back?

"Whip the eggs for three minutes until they're really frothy. Add some cinnamon, vanilla, and a pinch of nutmeg—they'll taste like mine."

Alexis turns and looks back at her, beaming. "Awesome!"

Kate smiles and gives her a wave. "Back in a few hours."

"Good luck," Alexis says, already turning to the cabinets to get out the ingredients.

Kate takes a deep breath and leaves the loft, locking it solidly behind her. She stares at the closed red door.

She'll come back. She has to make it safe, and then she'll come back.

(…)

It's the smell that wakes him. He smiles and stretches, images of Kate in his kitchen, draped in his shirt, spoiling his kid with her special French toast fill his mind. He loves that she loves his kid so much—loves that she coddles and indulges and cajoles Alexis into being a little naughty, a little gluttonous. He loves that she makes his daughter smile, that his daughter makes her smile as well.

He loves that they love each other. It makes him stir from his warm bed to pad out into the kitchen, the floor cold against his feet, anxious to join the love-fest.

But instead of his daughter and his girlfriend laughing and smiling at the counter, he just sees Alexis toiling away at the stove. She has her tongue poking out between her lips, a look of intense concentration on her face.

"Morning," he offers, scratching at his stubble.

"Hey," Alexis says brightly. "Taste!"

He obliges and comes around for a bite of one of the already finished stacks of toast. "Mm," he offers. "Kate finally share with you?"

Alexis grins. "Yep."

He looks around, impressed with his kid's cooking skills. "Where's Beckett?"

"Precinct," Alexis says with a shrug.

He stares at her. Kate wouldn't just leave without telling him. He checked, there wasn't a note on his bedside table. "Really?"

"Yeah, she went with the detail."

He narrows his eyes but nods along, unwilling to worry Alexis. He's probably just overreacting. Kate's been in such a sharing place these last few days, with the case, with herself. But she is independent as well, could easily have gotten her nerve up and slipped out to face the music while he snored away.

Maybe she tried to wake him and he's forgotten. But he thought she'd really taken it to heart when she picked up Alexis the other night—that he needs her to shake him awake so he knows, so he remembers—so he has the chance to go with her if he wants.

He wanders to the window, glancing down at the street where he knows the detail is supposed to be. It's still there.

Maybe she had one of the guys pick her up. He retraces his steps into his office and grabs his phone. No texts either.

He's so over reacting, but he needs to know, needs to hear her voice. She's not a dumb woman, she wouldn't just…go off. No more. She promised no more, made _him_ promise no more…

"Detective Ryan."

"Hey, Ryan," Castle greets. "Beckett there?"

There's a long pause. "No. Why?"

"She, ah," he glances toward the kitchen where Alexis is still cooking away, making breakfast for a non-existent armada. He ducks into his bedroom and wanders toward the bathroom. "She told Alexis she was heading to see Gates."

"She hasn't been in," Ryan offers after a beat. "You don't think—"

"No," he says immediately.

"No?"

"I don't know," he admits, feeling it hit him like a brick. "Ryan, where's Bracken right now?"

He listens as Ryan picks up another phone. "This is Detective Ryan, badge number 42344. I need a location on Senator Bracken." A pause. "Has anyone else called to verify?"

"Ryan?" Castle prompts when the pause goes on too long.

"Beckett called."

"Shit," Castle hisses. "We've gotta—"

"I'll go," Ryan says quickly.

"Alone?"

"What, you think Espo's gonna join me?"

"Then pick me up."

"Castle we don't have time—"

"Can you hold off the force if she shoots him? You need backup."

"Fine," Kevin bites out, before the line clicks off.

He stumbling into clothes before he consciously chooses to. He runs through excuses in his head—acceptable reasons to give his kid for 'joining Kate at the precinct.'

By the time he hurries out of his room, he's got nothin'.

"Honey," he prompts, forcing a smile as Alexis turns to look at him, seated at the counter with a massive pile of French toast on her plate. "Gates needs me to go in an sign a suspension form."

"What?" Alexis says around a laugh. "Seriously?"

"Seems she doesn't trust that I'll actually stay away if Kate's suspended."

Alexis shakes her head and raises a fork in salute. "Good luck."

"We'll be back in a few hours," he hedges. "You stay here, okay?"

Alexis rolls her eyes. "Gunman on the loose, Dad, I'm good."

"Good," he mumbles, walking over to smack a kiss to her head and hug her close. She force-feeds him another bite of toast. "Really freakin' good," he admits.

Alexis smiles. "It's the nutmeg."

Castle nods decisively then gestures toward the door and shuffles his way out, playing at grumpy even as his heart speeds up.

Kate told his daughter how to make her famous French toast, so that if she doesn't come back, Alexis will know.

Fuck, Beckett.

(…)

It's done. They're safe.

She fights against the urge to wipe at her eyes, doesn't want to give the bastard the satisfaction, not when she's won this round. She reminds herself there's still a war to fight, but for now, they're at détente. She won the battle. Now she can rest, can strategize. And damn, it feels good.

She stops short as she comes out of the kitchen, leaving a bleeding, emasculated Senator Bracken behind. Ryan, Espo, and Castle are standing there staring at her, all three looking as though they expect her to be dragging the guy out by a limp leg.

Bracken stumbles out behind her and shuffles away down the hall, a paper towel clutched to his cheek. Kate looks to Castle, watching the way his shoulders sag.

It clenches something in her gut, to think that all three of them, but especially Castle, would believe she'd kill the Senator in cold blood.

"We came to an understanding," she offers as she slowly approaches the guys.

"But what about justice for your mom?" Esposito asks, like she's grown a second head.

"We'll get it. Just not today," Kate says with conviction, trying now to catch Castle's downcast eyes.

Ryan looks between them for a moment before nodding once. "Gates wants to see you."

Kate sighs. "I'm sure she does. Castle, is Alexis okay?"

Castle looks up and blinks. "Fine. Thinks we're at the precinct to begin with."

"Then lets go," Kate says, striding out before the three of them.

Maybe they did think she'd kill him. It's not like she'd have gotten away with it. Then again, here they all are, together. They would have helped her.

She takes a deep breath as they hit the street, sunlight pouring down around them as people shuffle by to get into the press conference. They would have her back no matter what. Espo got thrown off a building for her.

But she doesn't have to drag them down with her. For now, they're safe, and no one's in danger for her sake. Mission accomplished.

"Hey," she murmurs as they all grudgingly climb into Ryan's cruiser. The tension up front between Javi and Kevin is thick enough to cut with fishing wire, but at the moment, Castle's stiff demeanor has her more concerned.

He glances briefly at her. "So you stopped him."

"For now," she agrees, feeling off kilter.

"Good."

It hardly sounds good. His jaw is tense and he won't look at her.

This is a _good_ thing.

He refuses to spare her even a glance all the way to the precinct, and then declines to go into Gates' office with her.

It smarts, but she can't really fault him for that—the woman's posture and deep frown from the doorway has Kate wanting to run for the hills.

"Just get it over with," Javi mumbles.

She looks over at him and smiles at his look of long-suffering admiration. "You got through it, huh?"

"And with a nearly dislocated shoulder. Don't wimp out on me, Beckett."

Kate smiles and squares her stance, marching into Gates' office. She ignores the way the woman's icy glare makes her want to slouch and pout.

"Detective Beckett," the woman greets, closing the door with a snap. "Good to see you."

"Thank you, Sir," Kate returns moving to stand behind the visitor's chair while Gates stands on the other side of her desk.

"I expected to see you yesterday."

"Yes," Kate says slowly. "Detective Ryan thought it best for me to wait until my shooter was found."

"And when he was killed early yesterday afternoon?"

"I was in shock," Kate supplies quickly. Well, she was.

"And when Detective Esposito was thrown off a roof. Were you in shock then?"

Kate withholds a sigh and considers her employer. "Sir, I—I can't apologize for not coming in. I had planned to have Tuesday off, and I wasn't able to tear myself away when you asked."

"I did not ask, Detective. You are the head of this team. I needed you here to help me understand why Esposito would blindly run off after a known assassin. Why Detective Ryan wasn't with him, and later why neither of them would tell me what was in the file that blew up said assassin. Can you enlighten me?"

"No, Sir, I can't. Detective Ryan said it was blown to pieces."

Gates narrows her eyes and Kate tries to look innocent—tries to look like they didn't piece the shredded file together and she didn't go and pistol whip the Senator to make sure she can live her life with Castle and Alexis.

"I know you're hiding something," Gates determines. "And I know why."

She can't. They've been so careful.

Gates sighs and holds up her hands. "I won't drag Roy Montgomery's name through the mud. I admire your loyalty. I do hope someday you feel that for me." Kate smiles despite herself. "As to the matter of your suspension."

"I won't fight it," Kate says easily.

"Of course you won't," Gates scoffs, shaking her head. "I've given Esposito a month, but I'm giving you two."

"Two," Kate blanches. Shit. That will put her back more than a bit. She got paid injury leave, but two months—she doesn't have much in her savings to begin with. This will run her dry.

"I think it's fair, don't you, Detective?"

Kate forces herself to breathe through it. It…is fair, she supposes. She directly disobeyed orders, endangered her colleagues—threatened a senator, though that's not on record.

"Yes, Sir," she says grudgingly.

"Good. I'll see you in August then, Detective."

Kate nods at the dismissal and walks out of the office, reeling. She expected a week or two, not two months.

"Well?" Esposito prompts as she reaches her desk. It's empty of Castle. Esposito's sitting in her chair.

"Two months," she manages.

He whistles. "Wow, she's mad."

"Yeah, well, she doesn't have the relief that I didn't fall off a roof to temper it," Kate says. Esposito huffs at that and she softens. "Thank you, Javi. Idiotic move, but thank you."

He bobs his head. "Someone has to have your back."

Kate rolls her eyes. "Do it without going AWOL next time? Someone has to have _your_ back. You're lucky Kev did this time."

"He—"

"Be glad you're not dead."

Esposito glares at her and she holds up her hands. "Fine, have a grudge if you want, but you're both invited for the fourth, so try to make nice by then? I can only imagine it takes two men to keep Castle safe around fireworks."

Esposito cracks a grin at that and holds out his hand. "See you in August, boss."

Kate shakes his hand and smiles. Hopefully they'll make up by the time she's back. Ryan deserves thanks and praise and groveling, not Javi's misplaced anger. She looks around for Castle.

"He's in the break room with Ryan. Tell him bye for me," Esposito says, hopping out of her chair and striding off just as Ryan comes out of the break room.

"So?" Ryan asks her, glaring at Javi's retreat.

"Two months," she admits.

He nods. "Thought as much."

"I'm sorry, Kev."

He shakes his head and comes in for a brief hug. "I get it," he tells her, pulling back to look her over. "We'll see you."

She smiles and looks behind him, but Castle hasn't emerged yet.

"See you," she repeats. He gives her a small smile and heads for his desk, leaving her hovering over her own.

She can just see Castle's form slumped against the counter in the break room, nursing a coffee. Instead of the happy man she somehow envisioned, her partner looks tense and disturbed, his forehead creased and mouth in a deep frown.

She just faced the Dragon. She can walk in and face whatever mood Castle's in. She doesn't move for a moment. She can.

She approaches him slowly, noting for the first time how frayed he looks, like he stumbled into his clothes.

"Hey," she offers.

He looks up, startled. "Hi."

There's a pregnant pause, and for once, he doesn't fill it.

"So, um, Gates gave me two months."

"Paid?"

The question throws her and she has to think for a moment. "No."

He bobs his head. "Hell of a stunt you pulled."

She blinks. "I guess."

"Do you have any idea—" he cuts himself off and glances through the windows onto the bullpen. "Come on. You coming to the loft?"

She stares at his back as he walks out of the room. He—what did she—what?

"I had planned to," she says warily as she catches up to him at the elevator.

"All right," is his clipped response.

She withholds a biting comment at the back of her throat, something about partners and having her back. But she can't bring herself to say it. Blind trust—he's always shown it in her. Sometimes he's had to lick his wounds first, but he's come around. She doesn't know how to deal with this now, with his brooding over her decision, over her play.

She watches as he hails a cab, as he slides into the backseat, far and well away from her. She's never seen him like this, angry. She's not entirely sure what to do, how to fix it. She's not even sure what he's angry about, though she can guess.

Relaxed as she is now, absolved as she is now for the shit show that's gone down, she can feel it niggling at the back of her head. She didn't tell him. She threw a book at him for doing basically the same thing to her—protecting her without her consent, without her approval, without her there to back his play.

"Castle—" she begins, unsure of where she's going with it but just unable to sit in the silence any longer.

"Don't," Castle hisses and she startles. "I—let's just have dinner with Alexis, all right?"

"Okay," she concedes.

Her heckles rise as he huffs at her response, almost like he feels she doesn't deserve to have one. She at least let him say his piece. He hasn't asked, hasn't considered her point of view.

They sit in stony silence for the rest of the ride, Castle paying the tab when they arrive and getting out without a word. She sighs and thanks the cabbie before following suit.

He holds the door for her and ushers her into the building, his fingers glancing off her lower back before squirreling away into his pockets. She punches the button for the elevator with force, ignoring his raised eyebrow. If he gets to be petulant so does she.

They can't just talk like adults? What is he doing, punishing her with dinner with his daughter?

"I was willing to run away with you, Beckett," he says as the doors to the elevator slip closed. "And you told my daughter how to make your French toast."

She gapes at him. She—what does that even mean? She offered feeble comfort so now she's a monster? She didn't want him to give up his life for her, so she's selfish?

Before she can come up with a proper response, he's out of the elevator and opening the apartment, calling out for Alexis. The teen pops her head over the banister and waves with a smile. Kate can see subtle relief washing over her face as Kate shuts and locks the door.

"How'd it go?" Alexis asks, clambering down the stairs, a towel around her neck.

Man, what time is it?

"Two months," Kate gets out while Castle opens the fridge with excessive force.

"Wow," Alexis says, scrubbing at her drying hair. "She was mad."

"Yeah," Kate agrees with a sigh, shedding her jacket and following the teen into the kitchen. "She was."

Alexis glances between them, Castle staring into the fridge with a light glare.

"Um, are we—could we order in?" Alexis suggests. "We're not screening for poison or anything, right? That's still safe?"

Castle snorts as Kate sighs. "No, Kate took care of that," Castle offers, as if it's nothing. "All safe and sound. Right?"

The 'right' is almost a slap, so casual, so carefree. "Right," Kate agrees, equally breezy.

"What?" Alexis exclaims. "What do you mean, 'Kate too care of it,'?"

Castle raises his eyebrows at Kate, gesturing for her to take the floor. Wow, that is low. That is really low of him.

How does she say this without—bastard. "I was able to convey to Bracken that we have the file, and his deal with Smith is now his deal with me."

Alexis narrows her eyes. "Convey to him?"

"We came to an understanding," Kate says firmly.

"So when you said you were going to the precinct?" Alexis confirms.

"I did."

"Oh-kay," Alexis says slowly. "I—do I want to know?"

"No," Kate and Castle say together.

Alexis nods. "Fine. Take out?"

"That would be great," Kate offers quietly. Alexis pulls out her phone and starts dialing.

"I'm gonna shower," Castle decides, walking over to kiss Alexis' head before striding off to his bedroom.

Kate watches him go and runs a hand through her hair. God, she could kill him.

She wanted—what did she want? She wanted to go out and get back without either of them knowing. And what was her cover story going to be? Oh, she sent a letter and now the senator's not going to bother them anymore?"

Kate blows out a breath, feeling screwed and slighted and off kilter. She slides onto one of the barstools and feels her body turn heavy, the weight of the day pulling on her at last.

She hasn't had time to think, hasn't had time to process. She stared into the face of her mother's killer, Montgomery's killer, her assassin—all without a drop of blood on his hands. She looked him in the eye and threatened him. She looked him in the eye and saw him scared and raw.

She won. Today, she won.

And somehow, it doesn't feel like victory.

"Food will be here in thirty minutes," Alexis announces, sliding her phone onto the counter next to Kate.

Kate looks up and watches as Alexis hovers, as she looks toward Castle's room, then the stairs, and finally at Kate.

"Are you sorry?" Alexis wonders.

Kate pauses. "That you're both angry? That I did it? That I didn't think of a good way to tell you?"

Alexis shrugs.

"I'm not sorry I did it. I made it safe. I made us safe."

Alexis nods at that and looks toward Castle's room again. "He's mad enough for both of us."

"Yeah," Kate agrees.

"His forehead gets all scrunchy."

Kate laughs, despite herself and waits until Alexis meets her eyes. "You can be mad too," she offers. Might as well. It's not looking like a good night in the Castle household for her anyway.

"I'm just glad it's over," Alexis admits. "I'm glad it's over now."

"Me too," Kate agrees. It's not over, but it's safe.

Alexis smiles and lays her towel over the back of one of the dining room chairs. She considers Kate for a long beat.

"Can I have a hug?"

Kate feels her face break into a true smile as she slides off the stool and finds herself with an armful of teen.

"Please don't ever do that again," Alexis says, her face pressing into Kate's shoulder.

Kate breathes out and squeezes the girl. "I won't."

She makes a vow then that this is her last lie to this kid. She will, she'll have to—someday, they'll have to go up against him, to fully take him down. But she won't go off alone again. Hell, they won't be telling Alexis when they do, so it's not much of a lie, really.

"Are you lying?" Alexis whispers.

"No," she says.

Alexis pulls back and stares at her. "I don't believe you."

Kate sighs and holds the teen by her elbows. "I won't run off without at least telling your dad, happy?"

Alexis purses her lips and nods. "Fine. Can you call me when the food gets here? I'm going to eat in my room."

"Alexis, you don't have to—"

"I don't want to get in the way. You guys work it out, okay?"

Kate goes to protest but Alexis is already heading up the stairs. Kate stands for a moment, listening as Alexis' door closes upstairs, as the fire crackles low in the fireplace.

The world keeps turning.

She settles back on the barstool, waiting for their dinner to arrive. She's not sure she could eat anything now. She's relaxed and nervous, relieved and girded, knowing one hurdle is past, but Castle's anger still to get through.

He's not out of the shower by the time the food comes. She calls Alexis down and watches, defeated, as the girl cheerily takes her food back to her room to Skype with a friend.

She won't say which friend though, and Kate resolves to weasel it out of her when they go to the Hamptons.

Castle's still in the shower.

If they still go to the Hamptons.

After ten more minutes of anxious waiting she gives up, sticking the food in the oven on low and going in search of her fuming boyfriend.

She knocks before entering the bedroom, and finds it empty. She glances around, listens for the shower, but there's no sound. She doesn't particularly want to have this conversation. A few months ago in fact, she would have run in the other direction.

But her adrenaline is wearing off, and she'd like to eat dinner with her partner, kiss him for a bit, and go to sleep. And she can't do that if he's mad at her.

"Castle?" she calls, peeking into the office. He's not there.

She sighs and walks to the bathroom, knocking gently before pushing the door open.

She pauses in the doorway, staring. Castle sits on the floor, his back against his enormous tub, clad in only a pair of boxers, with his towel wrapped around his shoulders like a cape.

"Food here?" he wonders.

She's taken aback at his tone. It's not longer angry, just defeated.

"Castle?"

"You and Alexis all settled now?" he asks, still not looking at her.

"We—yeah," she manages, walking slowly into the room to sit on the closed toilet. "She's eating in her room."

He nods and doesn't say anything. She waits, but he doesn't offer her any idea, any suggestion.

"I had to," she says, and immediately she sees it was the wrong opening.

He snaps his gaze to hers. "You _had_ to go off, no back up? You _had_ to basically give my kid a post-death gift? You _had_ to do this alone?"

She clamps her mouth shut. She did. He wouldn't have let her go otherwise. She had to make it safe.

"God, Beckett, I thought you were smart," he offers and she bristles.

"I—"

"Do you have any idea what it was like to wake up and realize you'd gone rogue?"

She goes to reply but he beats her to it.

"You said no more."

"I meant it," she says immediately.

He scoffs. "Right. And you meant it when you said we'd figure it out too, huh?"

"I—Castle, look—"

"No," he says simply.

"No?"

"No. I won't look. I won't listen. You did what you always do, Kate. You saw a problem, you charged head first, and you didn't think to include anyone, didn't think to save your own skin."

"You're one to talk," she snaps, feeling cornered now.

"Right. Because you were such a gem about that."

She scoffs. "At least I have a gun."

"At least I fucking told you before I did anything," he bites back. "God, Beckett, could you just let me in? You say we're in this together, you say we'll do this together, and just like everything else you go and do it alone."

"What was I supposed to do, bring you along so Bracken could get a good hard look at you and take you down instead?"

"You were supposed to let me help!" he exclaims, his voice ringing around the room. "God, you just—just let me do one fucking thing, Beckett."

"Let you—Castle, you—"

"Do you think I like the fact that you can obviously handle this all on your own? Do you think I like the fact that Alexis calls _you_ now? That it's you she wants to hug, you she wants in the middle of the night? I can't help her. I can't soothe her. And then, the one thing I can actually do, you go and do on your own. Partners? What do you even need me for anymore, Kate?"

She stares at him, open mouthed. He—of course she needs—"Castle, of course I need you."

"No, you don't. Would you even have taken me with you, or just snatched Alexis up and run away?"

"Castle," she breathes out.

He glances at her, eyes wide and wet. "I—forget it."

He stumbles up and makes for the door, but no way, no how, is she letting him out of here after that.

"Rick," she says, grabbing his wrist. "Hey."

"Just—forget it, Kate. Please."

He won't look at her, standing there facing the bedroom through the open door, his towel cape slowly slipping down his back.

"No," she says softly, tugging on him until he turns around. "I—I'm sorry that I made you feel like I didn't need you today. I did, and I _do_, Castle. So much."

He shakes his head and she feels her gut clench with the need to make him understand.

"Do you know what I was thinking about the whole time I was there? The whole time I was staring him in the face?" He won't meet her eyes, so she uses his trick, reaching up to press her palm to the side of his face until he does. "You, Castle. You and Alexis—the three of us."

His eyes are so sad, and _wet,_ and broken. How did she not see this happening?

"Why didn't you say anything?" she whispers.

He huffs and breaks her hold, stepping back to stare at her like she's crazy. "What would I have said? Stop spending time with my traumatized kid? Hey, let me hug her when I can see that if you don't you're going to fall apart?"

She watches as he hunches in on himself, hurting.

He's been hurting and she hasn't noticed. She was too wrapped up in Alexis and healing herself, and then the case. Now she understands. Here he was, getting to help, and she took that from him.

He looks so utterly defeated and it makes her want to cry.

"Castle, she still needs you."

"Right," he mumbles.

"All she wanted, all _we_ wanted when we were trapped was you." He gives her a disbelieving look. "I know we've been…separate, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Castle. I didn't—I really didn't think. I didn't consider what my running to her every time would mean, what it would do. Of course you can help her. You do, Castle."

"I don't," he insists. "You should see what she's like when you're gone, Kate. I can't cheer her up. I can't make her laugh. And you come home and it's like you're some superhero and I used to be that—and I just—"

Tentatively, she reaches out and wraps her arms around him, arching up to press their cheeks together. It takes a beat but he accepts her hug, twines his arms around her back and buries his face in her neck.

"You are so important, babe," she whispers against his ear, pressing her lips to the bits of him she can reach. "She adores you, and that she's sad with you? That she's hurting with you? She _trusts_ you."

"Then why won't she talk to me?" The question is small and sad, mumbled deep into the skin of her throat.

Kate considers the question, takes the time to really think her answer through, because she knows it's important. She should have done this weeks ago, should have realized what was happening the same way she does now. All at once she can see their dynamic with a startling clarity.

"Because you're her safe place," Kate tells him, stroking the back of his neck. "You're the place she gets to just be sad. She's—when she's with me, she's always working stuff through, or trying to be tough. You should have seen her last night, trying to take care of me. With you, she doesn't have to try. She gets to just be."

"But I want her to feel like she can talk to me," he says, sniffling, his hold loosening around her ribcage.

"I think she does. Maybe," Kate pauses, wondering. "You'd have to ask her, but maybe you guys could do a session or two together, with Burke. I think it might be hard for her to find the words with you, because you weren't there. We have a shorthand, and without it, it's daunting."

He pulls back, letting her dip down to the flats of her feet. "A shorthand," he repeats, contemplative.

She smiles and wipes at his cheek, arching briefly to kiss his chin when he blushes. "Like we have," she explains.

"Us?"

"I've never spoken to anyone like I talk to you," she insists, trying to make him understand, to make him see. He is the calm in the storm for them both, it just…prints out differently. "When I'm scared, or hurt, or sad, all we have to do is look at each other, and we know."

"And I don't have that with Alexis," he surmises, his face falling.

"No," she agrees. "Not about this. You guys haven't done this before. You and me? One tragedy too many."

He huffs something like a laugh at that. "Kate."

"Don't take this the wrong way," she begins, worried that it'll come off wrong. He raises an eyebrow. "But have you asked her recently?"

"Asked her what?"

"About it, or the nightmares, her panic attacks?"

He shakes his head immediately. "No, I haven't. I don't want to make her feel…" he trails off, beseeching.

"I know. But maybe if you guys talk about it, she'll be more vocal. I don't know. I don't have all the answers. I've never had a kid."

He does laugh at that. "You're good at it anyway."

She smiles and reaches up on her tip toes to press a soft kiss to his mouth. "Thank you. But I have a good role model and some heavy trauma to back me up. You just are a good dad, plain and simple."

He sighs and goes to shake his head while she nods. "I'm—"

"Struggling," she provides. He sighs. "We all are. I—next time, when you feel like this, tell me."

"I…did," he protests feebly.

"Really tell me," she insists. "Make me listen, Castle. I want to—I want to be what you are for me. I can hold you up, I can be a partner. I didn't…do a great job of that today, and I'm sorry. But I'll be better. I promise you I will."

"I'll try," he agrees, resting his forehead against hers. "I—I'm still mad," he admits.

She smiles. "I know. But there's food in the kitchen, and I could give you a backrub?"

"What, I don't get angry sex?"

"If you want," she says easily, smiling as he lightens, looking younger and happier.

He stills after a moment and meets her eyes. "I wish Alexis didn't know."

"Me too," Kate says, dropping her hands to take his. "I'm sorry we couldn't avoid it."

"Not your fault."

"Still."

He nods and squeezes her hands. "Next time, when we do solve it, we leave her out of it."

"Agreed," Kate says immediately. "And Castle? Next time, we'll do it as partners, I promise."

He smiles and leans in to kiss her, pulling back only once they're both a bit out of breath. "Deal."


	25. Chapter 25

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 25:**

He knows she's pretending to be asleep.

It's nearly ten in the morning and he's just woken up. There's absolutely no way that Kate is still sleeping. Yes, the angry make-up sex was very good, but not good enough for her to still be asleep.

Also, she has a very distinctive breathing pattern when sleeping, and that isn't it. But, whatever her reason, he'll let her pretend. Personally, he's starving. They never did make it to the food, other than to shove it in the fridge.

When he shuffles out into the kitchen he finds Alexis sitting at the counter reading a book.

"Morning, pumpkin," he says, bending to give her a quick squeeze before moving to the fridge.

Alexis smiles at him. "Morning, dad. Good night?"

He pauses, noting her devious little smirk. "Do you want to know?" She scrunches up her face and he laughs. "Thought so."

Alexis rolls her eyes and closes her book. "You and Kate okay?"

Castle smiles and pops a carton of eggs onto the counter. "We're fine, sweetheart. Promise."

Alexis nods. "Good. I like you guys."

He smiles, oddly touched, though it's not news. "I like us too. How are you?"

"I'm good," she says, tapping the cover of the book. "Woke up early."

"Bad dream?"

She pauses for a second. "Yeah, a bit."

"Really bad?" he wonders, remembering Kate's words from the previous night. "Did you need one of us?"

"Oh, no," Alexis says easily. "No, just woke me up, and since it was light out, I stayed up."

"You can always come get us, you know," Castle says softly. "We're always here. _I'm_ always here if you need to talk. You know that, right?" he asks tentatively.

Alexis smiles. "I know," she promises. "It—it wasn't terrible. It was just the basement, no Tyson. Kate and I kind of ran out of things to talk about, and we were sitting in silence and it just…I don't know. It was weird. A weird dream, rather than bad, maybe?"

"Those can be worse," Castle tells her. "I used to have one where you and I were at a park playing, and suddenly it was just the two of us. We kept having a good time, but there was just something about it being just us…I can't explain it, but it always woke me up and I could never get back to sleep."

"Did you watch me sleep after?" she wonders.

He smiles and cracks the eggs into a bowl. "I did."

"The year you and Gina broke up," Alexis surmises.

He pauses, then nods. "Yeah." They sit quietly as he whisks the eggs, enough for two. He'll make Kate one if she ever comes out of hiding.

"Did you miss Gina, when she left?" Castle wonders.

Perhaps it's not what they should be talking about, but it feels vital suddenly that he knows the answer.

Alexis raises surprised eyes to meet his. "Um, not really," she says slowly. "She—I like Gina, she's nice, and she was sweet to me, but it wasn't…" she pauses and glances toward the office, as if Kate might appear. "We didn't have a bond or anything."

He nods and offers her a smile as she looks back at him. "I'm sorry."

Alexis shakes her head and smiles. "Didn't matter. I had you."

He matches her grin at that, his chest filling with it. "Yeah. Never gonna lose me, pumpkin."

"I know," she says simply.

"Good. Cheddar or swiss in your omelet?"

"What are you having?"

He winks at her. "Chocolate."

"Oh, gross. Gross, no. No. Cheddar, please."

He laughs as she squirms in disgust and goes about making their breakfast, the two of them bantering quietly about the book she's reading—one of Jim's earliest—and who was the best dressed of the matron set at her graduation.

He swings around to sit next to her at the counter when he's finished, knocking his foot against hers so she laughs.

"So, Hamptons," Alexis says as they tuck in.

"Yeah. You still game?"

"We've got two months, right? Before you guys go back to work?"

Castle nods. "But you know, if you want me to stay home, any day, you and me, I'm there."

Alexis smiles and bumps his arm with her shoulder. "I know."

"Two whole months. Think she'll go crazy?" Castle whispers to Alexis.

His daughter laughs, nice and loud. "Maybe. Who knows, maybe someone will get murdered in the Hamptons. Oh, wow," she stops and looks at him, wide-eyed. "Did I just say that?"'

He laughs and swings his arm over her shoulders, noting that she stiffens for a second before relaxing against him. "You're in good company."

Alexis laughs and leans into him. "Good."

"Good," he agrees.

(…)

"What's dad doing?" Alexis wonders as Kate pulls her into her bedroom to pack for the trip.

"Taking down my murder board," Kate says easily, staring around and trying to remember where she put her bathing suit last.

"Oh," Alexis mumbles.

Kate looks over at her and finds Alexis standing still, a bit lost. "I thought it might help," she explains, thinking maybe the honesty would be good. "And I don't want to look at it."

"Makes sense," Alexis offers quietly.

"Can you help me look for my suit? Just not the top drawer," she instructs.

Alexis looks over at her. "Why, is that your lingerie?"

"Yes," Kate replies, deadpan.

The girl wrinkles her nose, then glances back at Kate. "How do you even shop for that? Like, I know you can try on bras, but garters and stuff, do you try that on? Do you go to the store and try on teddies?"

Kate considers the teen, who's now staring at her top drawer. "Why don't I send you with Lanie sometime?"

Alexis laughs, startled. "Too weird for you?"

"No, but then I remember that you're my boyfriend's kid, and it gets a little weird."

Alexis giggles. "Fair. Oh, ugh, yeah."

"See," Kate says, smiling as Alexis seems to relax.

The Castles are already packed, everything all set in the sleek sedan downstairs. It's just Kate, who didn't have any summer dresses or shorts or anything suitable packed away at Casa Castle. So now here they are, packing while Castle takes down her mother's murder board.

He offered, and she didn't want to say no, figures it might give him more security, more faith. He seems happier this morning, but a little more assurance never goes awry.

"So bathing suit," Alexis states.

"Haven't seen it in at least two years," Kate admits, opening her closet and beginning to go through her shelves. "It might be with my socks, or with my shorts?"

"Are we talking bikini, tankini, one piece?" Alexis asks as she starts rummaging.

"Bikini," Kate says. "I think. There's a tan one piece from last year, but I don't know if I brought that back."

"Bond girl kind of number?" Alexis wonders.

"Yeah?"

The teen holds it up, triumphant.

Kate smiles and walks over to take it, considering the opened front. She'd rather at least cover the scars on her stomach if she can. The ones on her back are a lost cause.

"You know it's just us for now. We can order something more concealing," Alexis tells her.

Kate smiles. "I know. I don't want you looking at them either."

Alexis waves her off and strides over to the closet, going through dresses and pulling out anything she likes. "Doesn't bother me."

"It bothers me," Kate mumbles, shaking her head as Alexis rolls her eyes.

"You're not being a very body positive role model right now," Alexis says with a smirk.

"Yeah well, I'm a realistic role model. Full of flaws. You want good advice, let's look at my lingerie after all. I have very good taste in that."

"I agree," Castle says, loafing into the room with a grin as Alexis groans and tosses a dress at Kate. "What?" Castle says innocently.

Kate laughs and Alexis sticks out her tongue at them both.

Normalcy, she thinks, is good. Castle smirks at her, looking a little more at peace now. A strange normal, to be sure, but they've got it. They'll find it, the three of them, together.

(…)

"Kate."

She nods slowly, hearing Alexis laugh behind them.

"Say something," Castle implores, his arm around her shoulders as she stares up at the gargantuan house.

"Are you rich or something?" she manages, taken aback.

It's not that she's never had nice things, seen wealth, enjoyed the occasional splurge. But this house just goes on and on. It has its own private beach, and a pool she glimpsed on the drive up, with a pool house. There must be at least seven bedrooms. She knew the facts, but the reality staring her in the face…

"Loaded," Castle replies, squeezing her and bumping her with his hip. "Come on. Let's go be spoiled for a while. Get you a great tan. I'll even put lotion on you."

She smiles at that, breathing in as he remains the same man as ever. Alexis steps up on her other side.

"It grows on you."

"Like a fungus," Castle agrees.

Kate laughs and gestures for them to lead the way into their summer home. Castle takes her hand and guides her inside. The foyer is beautiful, soft light wood, with a large staircase leading up to the second floor.

They leave their suitcases by the door and he begins the tour, Alexis adding helpful and storied history along the way. Here's the kitchen, where they once made the microwave explode by putting silly putty in it. Here's the living room, they read in there. Here's the entertainment center, where they do movie marathons when it rains. Here's the staircase where Castle busted his knee sliding down the banister.

Here's Martha's room—the woman herself is out a function but will be joining them for dinner. Here's the guest room, won't need that.

Alexis' room looks out on the ocean, the walls a light lilac, covered in photos of sandcastles and New York City. The twin bed is strewn with stuffed animals and a bright pink comforter.

"I picked it when I was six," Alexis mumbles as Kate looks around with a smile.

"It's lovely," Kate says, hiding a smile as Castle laughs over his daughter's head.

"It's really soft," Alexis defends, elbowing Castle without evening looking at him.

"Mine was bright green," Kate tells her.

Alexis smiles shyly. "Not into pink?"

"My mom wanted to get me a pink one, and I just wanted to choose. I hated it, wished I'd gone with her choice for years, but stayed with the green out of pride."

"Isn't it supposed to be envy?" Castle wonders.

"I'll get Martha to tell me what posters you had on your walls," Kate threatens.

"Electra," Alexis whispers.

Castle groans and Kate grins, letting him yank her out of the room. Alexis giggles along behind them.

"You know I love her too," Kate says, nudging Castle when it looks like his pout might stick around.

"Yeah, but…that's…she's not real. I had an actual poster of the comic book character."

Kate does laugh at that. "We haven't talked about your feelings on anime, Castle."

"Not in front of the kid," he retorts.

"Ugh, gross, Dad."

"What?" Kate says, glancing back at Alexis, who has her face all scrunched up. "Oh, gross, Castle. I meant _actual_ anime, not porn."

"Kate!" Castle squeaks.

"Her head was already there," Kate protests. "This is your fault."

"Okay, you two can look at your room on your own. I'm going to go see if Gram has anything other than crackers and wine in the house."

They watch as Alexis scurries back down the hall and disappears down the stairs.

"How much do you think I should put in the therapy fund?" Castle asks.

"Specifically for trauma caused by our sex life?"

"Yeah," he says, cracking a smile. "We've been kind of awful."

"Eh. Babies come from somewhere, right?" Kate offers, opening the door to what she assumes must be the master bedroom.

She hears him spluttering behind her but can't focus on his reaction in the face of his enormous bedroom. There's a roaring fireplace with what looks like an anchor inside of it. Directly across from the fire sits the California King bed, a driftwood headboard behind it. The full-wall windows open onto a balcony that looks directly out on the ocean. She can see an alcove off to the side that must go to the ensuite. Given the size of the bedroom, she could probably live in the closet.

"Kate?"

She realizes she's just standing there with her mouth open and shakes her head. "Wow," she manages.

He chuckles and wraps his arms around her, leaning down to kiss her cheek. "Good wow?"

"Wow wow," she says, staring around. "It's…beautiful. Big. Big and beautiful."

He smiles against her cheek. "We'll enjoy it."

She has a brief pang, remembering the last woman (well, who she thinks was the last woman) to enjoy it with him. But he kisses her ear and sniffs her hair and she lets it go. Gina may have been here once, or many times, but Kate is here now. And they've been through a hell of a lot more and come out the other side intact.

They're going to heal here.

In his enormous, over-the-top, gargantuan, ridiculous, decadent bedroom.

"Bathtub?" she wonders.

"Jacuzzi."

"Shower?"

"Dual walk in."

"Bed?"

"Memory foam. TV out of the baseboard."

"So we can watch Japanese animated porn together?"

He grunts and nips at her neck. "No."

"No?"

"Maybe once," he reneges. "I've never seen any."

"Really?"

"Why, have you?"

She laughs. "Lanie and I watched a few once."

He sucks in a breath. "I have so many many images in my head right now."

"Is one of them Lanie vomiting on my feet while we were drunk on three-dollar zinfandel?"

He laughs. "Curiosity?"

"Um," Kate hesitates. She can't tell Castle that Javi had a folder of some on his computer, can she?

"I don't want to know," he says quickly. "Oh, God, I _really_ don't want to know."

"It wasn't tentacle porn," she placates.

"Tentacle—okay, no more bedroom for you," he decides, shuffling her out into the hallway. "I—why, Kate?"

She laughs and turns in his arms as they clear the doorway. "Because if I have to know that about Esposito, so do you."

He scowls then breaks into laughter. "Seriously?"

"We found out later that Kev had planted it. Javi nearly killed him."

"That's genius," he says, his eyes suddenly narrowing. "Do you think—"

"You do not want to incur that kind of wrath," she warns. "God only knows what Javi put on his, and I know Jenny found it."

"Yikes."

"Yeah. Make sure you hide your porn."

"Who downloads porn these days?"

Kate laughs and arches up to kiss him. "So you only stream?"

He pulls back and considers her. "You watch porn?"

She smirks and detangles herself from him. "Can you handle that?"

His eyes darken. "Oh, Beckett, the things I could teach you."

"You wanna bet?"

They stand a few feet apart, both with arms crossed. "Are you saying you can beat me in a sexual exhibition?"

"Probably. What are you suggesting?"

"I'm hungry!"

They both turn at the sound, Alexis' call reverberating through the house.

"I'm suggesting we feed the teenager before she gets grumpy," Castle offers after a deep breath. He walks over and leans down, staring deep into her eyes. "And then I say we have the most explosive night of sex ever. No holds bar. No off limits."

"You're on."

He swoops in for a kiss then leaves her breathless, whistling his way down the hallway.

Oh, he's so in for it.

(…)

"Well look at you three, how domestic," Martha announces as she sashays into the room. She lifts her enormous sunglasses and grins as Alexis darts out from behind the counter and rushes her in a bear hug.

Kate hears Castle laughing behind her and wipes her hands on the dishtowel. She feels his hands bracket her waist and leans back into him. They've gotten cuddly this afternoon, lots of soft touches, as if they're trying to mutually dissipate the sexual tension of their little plan.

"It's been four days," Castle mutters to the top of Kate's head.

"A big four days," Kate whispers back.

Castle squeezes her waist and she feels him let out a slow breath. "Yeah."

Kate bumps his chin with her forehead. He turns and kisses the crown of her head, then steps away to sweep his mother up in a hug.

She suddenly feels a little other, the three of them talking rapidly at each other while she stands on the other side of the island. She smiles through the discomfort, feeling some ease at how normal and relaxed Alexis seems here, with them, in this place.

Martha comes around for her after a minute, wrapping her up in a hug. She's at once fragile and strong, her hug a vice made of muscle, bone, and sinew. It's comforting, and when they pull apart, suddenly Kate doesn't feel so isolated.

"What are we having for dinner?" Martha asks, clapping her hands together and looking down at their work. "Oh, lasagna, lovely."

"It's tradition," Alexis adds for Kate's benefit. "Lasagna on the first night. Cook out on the second. Take out the next. Lasagna on the fourth."

Kate smiles. "Practical."

"Well, fourth day lasagna is the best," Castle adds, layering in another line of ricotta. "And the house usually gets hot after that, so we don't want to use the oven."

"The central air doesn't work?" Kate wonders.

He laughs. "Of course. But still."

"We leave it off when we go to the beach," Alexis adds. "For environmental purposes."

"Of course," Martha adds, winking over the girl's head.

Kate feels like maybe she's being left out of a private joke, but nods all the same, helping Alexis squish more tomatoes to add to the simmering sauce on the stove.

"Though, sometimes someone," Alexis nods pointedly at Castle, "forgets to put on sunscreen and we have to keep the place glacial for a week so he doesn't die of heat stroke."

"Bad burns, Castle?"

"He looked like a lobster a few summers ago," Martha says before Castle can defend himself. "Took him to the ER for dehydration, actually."

"Oh, jeez," Kate mumbles. "Not this summer."

He nods. "We've had more than enough of the ER this year, I would say."

Alexis stiffens slightly before lifting her spoon from the sauce. "Hear hear."

"Then it's settled," Martha says, smiling as she steals a pinch of mozzarella from Castle's grated bowl. "No more emergency medical attention."

Kate sees Castle wince and smiles, walking over to wrap her arm around him as Alexis and Martha fall into easy conversation.

"Stop being so superstitious, mister."

He gives her a wry smile, caught. "Right."

She rubs over his low back. "We'll be fine."

"But seriously," he says, meeting her eyes. "No more medical attention, okay? Lots of sunscreen, lots of water, lots of rest."

She laughs. "I'm fine."

"I know," he agrees. "I just—next year, no summer ER visits, no kidnappings, no anything. We're done, okay?"

She nods and arches up to kiss him, stroking over his cheek. "Okay, Castle. Peaceful summer."

"Summers. From here on out."

She laughs. "Okay."

(…)

"Are you really set on that 'no emergency room' thing?"

He slides an eye open and blinks at her, hair mussed, lips plump, and body utterly, utterly sated. "Why?" he croaks.

"Because I think one more orgasm and I might die," she offers, giggling a little before she can get the whole thing out.

He grins at her and rolls onto his side with a groan, reaching out to glide his hand along her stomach.

They're sprawled out in his ridiculous bed, sated, sore, and stark naked. She's sweaty and tired and just so freakin' relaxed.

"You'll die?" he asks, summoning playfulness from the well of exhaustion they're lying in.

"I'll die," she agrees, nodding as best she can.

"Too much for you?"

"I don't see you rising for another round."

He grunts and scuttles forward to nip at her chin. "Four times, woman."

She laughs and turns her cheek to press a chaste kiss to his mouth, unwilling to even open the option to more. "Yeah," she breathes out.

He smiles. "Seven for you."

"Yeah," she repeats, shifting her aching hips. "One too many."  
"You weren't complaining."

"No," she agrees, smiling when he tugs her in to rest against his chest as he shifts to lie on his back. "No, just…buyer's remorse."

"Oh please," he huffs. "You loved it."

She smiles. "Okay, yeah. But ow."

His hand slinks down to kneed against her sacrum and she practically purrs.

"Any favorites?" he mumbles.

She kisses his sticky chest and snuggles into him, body cool enough now to want the heat of his skin on hers. "Four, maybe."

She feels him thinking. "Um, which was that?"

She laughs and trails her fingers through his chest hair, smirking at he lets out a little contented sigh. "The one when you decided to see if I could, um," she blushes then, stalling and burying her face in his chest.

She's not embarrassed, no, but talking about it clinically like this makes her feel a little dirty. Well, that and his decision to see if she could…squirt was born primarily from her nearly having a panic attack when they accidentally rolled themselves into missionary.

"And you _can_," he crows. "Pretty freakin' impressive."

She blushes more, now actually a little embarrassed, and glad he had extra sheets. "Fine you win. You taught me something."

"Something awesome," he adds.

"Why is that such a turn on?" Kate wonders.

"Beckett, if you could have seen your face, you'd understand."

"I—" she mumbles.

He sighs and shifts, gently dislodging her so he can scoot down and catch her eyes. "To know that I can do that to you? Make you let go like that? That you're _that_ comfortable with me? Hell, Kate, that's enough. That you look so freaking beautiful and sexy when you do it? Perks."

She blinks at him and swallows around a sudden tenderness creeping up her chest for him. "Okay."

"Did you not like it?" he wonders, his words suddenly cautious.

"I just told you it was my favorite one," she says, her cheeks still flaming. "I—it's just—I don't know. Gimme a few times and I'll get over it."

He laughs and leans in, catching her in another kiss, this one calm and comforting. "Anytime you want."

"So you liked it too."

He considers her for a second. "I've never made anyone do that before."

"What?" she squeaks, surprised. It's not only that he was kind of…astounding at it, but that he could be like that and not have gotten anyone else there? And with his considerable experience?

"Like I said, that you're that comfortable with me? I've never—look, it's not something you do with a random woman, or someone you're just dating for a minute, at least not in my experience."

"Oh," she manages.

"Any time anyone ever got close, they got really, um, self-conscious about it."

She nods slowly. "I can understand that."

"But you—you let me try, and you let yourself, and yeah. Yeah, I liked it. Loved it, actually."

"So that was a first," she says, feeling herself grinning.

"Yeah," he agrees, smiling with her. "A mutual first."

She laughs. "So no one won."

"I'd say we're both winners, actually, wouldn't you?"

She nods shyly, reaching up to brush some of her hair off her face and coming back with a sweaty palm. "I'd say we should shower, huh?"

He chuckles and slides out of bed, pulling her with him. "It's gonna be a good summer, isn't it?"

She smiles as they unabashedly walk into his bathroom together, naked and relaxed. "Yeah, Castle. I think it will be."

(…)

She stares out at the choppy sea, legs curled up on the cushion beside her, her long-cold cup of coffee still held between her palms. She woke early, aching and weary, in all the wonderful ways, but wasn't able to get back to sleep.

The house is loud. It creaks and bumps. Castle's room is large and filled with shadows. The fire crackles all night, and while it was lovely to fall asleep to, wrapped in her lover's arms, the constant sizzle and pop of the embers jarred against her nerves upon waking.

This isn't her home.

The loft isn't her home either, but she knows it. She knows the rhythms of the heating system, knows the blast of the air conditioning. She knows how Alexis sounds, puttering in the kitchen, knows Martha's soft tread across the floors upstairs. But here—here, even the familiar sounds different.

This isn't her home, but she wants it to be. She knows she does. She's in—in so deep she could never, ever climb back out. She's in for the ugly, the painful, the wretched parts of it. She's here to stay.

But this isn't her home.

Wind whips up the beach and she snuggles deeper into Castle's robe. Loft or Hamptons she's still stealing his clothes. She's surprised actually that he hasn't gone and bought her one of her own.

This isn't her home, but this is her life.

Her life is family dinners and beach houses, and Ferraris. Her life is opulence and wealth. Her life is sharing her time with her boyfriend and his daughter, and they are filthy stinkin' rich.

Her life wasn't this two months ago. Her life was justice. And now…

She shivers and leans over to place the coffee on the porch floor. She suddenly doesn't want it so much anymore, not without Castle there.

The house makes sense when she has Castle with her, when Alexis is laughing at the counter, when Martha is being dramatic. But without them, it's foreign, and she can't seem to reclaim the ease she feels alone at the loft.

Without them, she has a little time, a little space, and everything from the last four days just comes crashing back.

She pulls her legs up to her chest and wraps her arms around them, chin resting on her knee.

She's proud of the choices she's made. She knows her mother would be too—would be grateful that she's finally found some priorities and stuck to them. She knows that, deep down. But somehow, when the enormous house is quiet and Alexis and Castle are asleep, her choices feel less cathartic.

Not wrong, no. But they hurt. She feels it deep in her chest. It aches against her scars.

She tells herself it's not real. The pain isn't real. It's just her mind playing tricks. She knows it is.

She rubs at the bullet wound anyway. The fabric of her camisole beneath her robe catches against the raised edges of the scar and she hisses, drops her hand.

"Darling?"

Kate stiffens and blows out a breath before turning the brightest look she can muster Martha's way. "Morning," she says, and her voice is raw.

Martha considers her then pads across the cool porch to sit beside her. Kate uncurls, biting back a hiss of pain from the protestation of every muscle she seems to have.

Sexual exploration is great. But maybe they need to take it a little slower. God, Castle's going to groan like a baby if he's in half the shape she is this morning.

"Stormy today," Martha offers as they sit looking out at the ocean together. Kate doesn't quite know what to say—isn't even sure she'll have more voice left if she tries.

"It's always rather beautiful when it rains out here, majestic and powerful," Martha continues. "Alexis used to be so scared of the thunder."

"Really?" Kate manages.

Martha smiles softly. "The year after Meredith left, Richard brought us out here for the summer. First time for me, actually. They came out with Meredith the year before, but I just…couldn't." She gives Kate a telling look. "Anyway, it must have been three in the morning and I heard Alexis crying. I got up but Richard was already there, telling her all about thunder and counting for miles. They sat in the chair by her window all night."

Kate smiles at the thought, the story tugging harshly against her chest. Scared little Alexis and her young father, both recently abandoned, holding together against the storm.

"He's a good father," Martha says softly.

"Yeah, he is," Kate agrees, her voice still rough, but strong with the statement. She's always in awe of him as a father, in love with him for it too.

"How are you, kiddo?"

Kate swallows and glances at Martha. "I'm," she hesitates. "I'm fine."

"Richard said you've been suspended for two months." Kate nods slowly. Martha stares at her for a long moment, and Kate can't think of a way to fill the silence. "What aren't you telling me?"

Kate swallows a strange laugh. So many things. So many, many things no one should know, not Ryan, not Esposito, not Alexis, not even Castle, if she had her way. There are so many people, so much immediate family wrapped up in what should be hers to bear alone.

"Nothing," Kate says, her voice shaking. "Nothing. Everything's fine, Martha. I promise."

Martha tuts. "I can handle things, you know," she says, shifting a bit in her seat. "I know you don't want to put me in danger, but I—I am here, and I can help."

Kate turns, surprised by her words. "Martha, I—"

"Alexis has spoken with me some about what happened in that basement." Oh. "And Richard—I saw, you know. I don't know that we've talked about it since really, come to think of it. But, you, dear, if you ever need to talk, I—I want you to know that I'm available."

Kate stares at her, floundering. "I—thank you," she eeks out.

Martha smiles. "Not that you need to, but I just—well, you're out here all alone, and so…small."

Kate chuckles at that. She doesn't know what to say, how to share. "It's a big house," she decides.

Martha laughs at that. "It is."

"I just…couldn't sleep. They make you forget."

"Richard and Alexis?"

Kate nods. "And sometimes I forget that he's a millionaire and that it hasn't been like this for years, you know? He makes it so easy to forget."

Martha smiles and reaches out to pat her knee. "So I've seen, dear."

Kate smiles. "I really am all right, Martha, I promise."

Martha sighs. "You're not, darling, but I understand."

Kate swallows, the hard tug of grief swelling back up in her chest at his mother's soft, candid words. She's not all right, not at all. But she's trying so hard to be.

"What have you been up to the last few days?" Kate asks, forcing her way through it. She doesn't want to cry in front of Martha. Doesn't want to worry her with any of it.

"Oh, sunning, reading." Kate waits. "A little party, you know. Nothing spectacular."

Kate smiles. "Do you have a lot of friends out here?"

Martha turns and gives her a Cheshire grin. "A fair few."

Kate laughs. "Maybe we'll have to throw a big bash for the Fourth."

Martha nods contemplatively. "If you girls feel up to it."

Up to it? Is she up to seeing people, lots of people? Is she up to hosting a party on Castle's arm—admitting to more than their friends that they're a _something_?

"Even if we don't, I think it would be good," Kate decides. Forcing them into some discomfort, in a few weeks, she thinks, will help. A little frivolity.

"Oh, Richard will enjoy it. Fireworks." Kate grimaces and Martha laughs heartily. "Don't worry, dear. We don't let him light them."

"Good," Kate agrees.

"Well, not since the time he got those burns."

"What?"

"Mother, what are you telling Kate?"

They both turn and find Castle blinking owlishly in the doorway, hair still mussed, pajamas wrinkled. The sun is just coming up over the water. It's still so very early.

"Nothing nothing," Martha says, holding up her hands. Castle glares at her and she scoffs, reaching over to squeeze Kate's arm before standing.

Castle allows her a kiss on the cheek and then slumps as she saunters into the house.

"Burns, huh?" Kate wonders, uncurling as he shuffles over to plop down next to her.

"Second degree. It's why this bit's hairless," he says, offering his forearm. She peers down at a small patch of hairless skin she's never noticed before.

"I'm sure you were very manly about it."

He grunts and knocks her with his shoulder. "I was. Super manly."

Kate smiles, stroking over the little patch. "Hurt a lot?"

He gives her a sidelong look. "I don't trust your concept of pain."

She lets out a surprised laugh at that. "Thanks, I think."

"Just means childbirth is going to be fun," he says, grinning as she shudders.

"Think I can't take it?" Never mind that they're having this conversation at all…

"No no. I think you'll be one of those women who just does it, all calm and determined. Scares the crap out of the doctors, and breaks my hand."

She glides her hand down to curl her fingers between his. "I'll try not to. Need you to change the diapers and all. And give me backrubs with your magic hands," she adds, noting the way he squeezes her fingers at that. "Lots of things we need your fingers for."

"Yeah," he agrees, slightly dreamy.

She smirks, knowing he's thinking of the previous night. "How you feelin'?"

"Good," he says, the word drawn out and lazy. She laughs. "You?"

"Good," she agrees. "Achy though."

"Want a magic massage?"

She shakes her head. "I am so not up for porch sex, Castle."

He gasps, offended, a hand over his heart. "Purely altruistic intentions here, Beckett."

"Uh-huh."

He huffs. "Fine, then how about a dip in the hot tub? Let that do the pounding for me."

She can't help but giggle and he smiles, releasing her hand to wrap his arm over her shoulders, dragging her into his side. He kisses the side of her head and takes a deep breath, relaxing against her.

"It's gorgeous," she offers after a few quiet minutes.

"The ocean?"

"The ocean, the house."

"I'm glad you like it," he says softly, and she feels his hand curling tighter over her shoulder.

"Were you worried?"

He shrugs. "I want you to like my stuff."

She smiles and presses her cheek to the meat of his shoulder. "I like all your stuff, Castle."

He laughs, low and rumbling.

Like this, it's easy. With him, it's all so easy.

Even when it's hard, it's easier than she remembers anything being, because she knows that even when they're mad, they're still united. They've proven that.

"You okay?" he asks, and she realizes she's curled up against him, pulled her legs up to bump against his thigh.

"Yeah," she says automatically. He waits and she blows out a breath. "I don't know, Castle. I'm—adjusting."

"To the house?"

Smart man. "The house, the case being semi-closed. Suspension. I just—I don't know. I'm off kilter." He sighs and she turns to glance up at him. "Not in a bad way, just…there's been a lot of change, you know?"

"With the case?" he wonders.

"With everything. And that's not—I—I want this. You know I want this," she adds, twisting so she can rise on her knees, one hand on his shoulder, the other wrapping into the collar of his tee shirt. "I love you."

He smiles and pulls her into his lap for a kiss, shifting her until her knees bracket his hips, her body settled against his. "I love you too."

"So I'm fine, I'm good," she assures him. "I'm just…"

He nods and kisses her nose, his face soft, eyes tender. She sinks into him, lets him band his arms around her back, rests her cheek against the crook of his neck. "I'm tired, Castle," she admits into his skin.

He nods, smoothing a hand through her hair. "We'll rest, Kate."


	26. Chapter 26

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 26:**

"Think you could perk up for a big breakfast?"

She stirs there against his chest, lulled to dozing by the gentle rise and fall of his breath and the nearby sound of the tide.

"Hmm?"

He chuckles, the sound low and gravely against her ear. "Food, Beckett. I'll make you a waffle."

"Mm," she offers, cuddling closer.

It's still early. She can see the sun's still low in the sky, cloud cover mostly intact. It might be closer to waking hours now.

"With strawberries and syrup. Come on. Let's cook."

She grunts, gripping at his shirt where she's curled her hands, suddenly unwilling to leave the cave of his body and face the day. She just wants to lie here on him for the rest of…ever.

"Kate?"

"Comfy," she whines, unable to articulate something more explanatory.

"Want me to carry you in?" he whispers against the crown of her head.

"No," she mumbles, squeezing in tight once before reluctantly pulling back.

She blinks as she meets his eyes, corners crinkling at her as he smiles. "You okay?" he asks.

She nods slowly. "Yeah. You?"

He bends forward and presses a soft kiss to her lips. "Yeah."

She rests against his forehead for a moment before climbing off of his lap, holding out her hand to take his as he stands. His large palm squeezes hers as he guides her into the house and along the sunny, welcoming hall into the kitchen.

Martha sits at the table, a cup of half-gone coffee in front of her, paper open.

"Breakfast, Mother?" Castle asks, releasing Kate to step into the kitchen and begin rifling around for ingrediants.

"Whatever you're making," Martha offers dismissively, head still buried in the paper.

Kate smiles and takes the eggs from Castle as he pulls them out of the fridge. "Why don't you go wake Alexis?" he suggests.

She considers him. She wants to be better, to do this better. "Do you want to?"

He smiles, his face soft. "I want to cook. She fell asleep at nine last night. She'll be catatonic if we let her sleep any more."

"Okay," she says, waving back as Martha wiggles her fingers at her before she turns and pads out of the room.

It takes her a second to orient herself before remembering which doorway leads to the staircase. She lets her hand glide along the white banister and feels the hard wood beneath her feet, trying to stay in this moment, present. She's breathing better now, after her long cuddle with Castle—feels a bit more moored to the house, to her life, than she did earlier.

Alexis is a lump in her bed, red hair scattered everywhere, hands and feet sticking out at odd angles beneath the bright pink comforter. It really clashes with her complexion, Kate notes as she tiptoes up to the teen's side. Her skin looks abnormally pale against the hue of the blankets.

"Alexis," Kate prompts, wanting to see her open her eyes, something about the pasty palor to her skin suddenly unnerving.

"Hmph," Alexis mutters, twitching.

"Alexis, time to get up," Kate tries again, gently touching her shoulder.

Alexis' eyes slowly slide open and she squints up at Kate. "Wha?"

"Breakfast," Kate offers, reaching out to tuck a stray strand of hair behind the kid's ear.

"Sleep," Alexis replies, closing her eyes and burrowing into the bed.

Kate laughs. "Nope. Breakfast." She jiggles the girl's shoulder, laughing as Alexis moans. "Dad's making waffles," Kate entices. Alexis cracks an eye open at that. "I'll make bacon."

Alexis sighs and opens both eyes, reaching up to rub at them. "Tired," she announces.

"Apparently," Kate agrees, glancing at the clock. She's been out for nearly 14 hours.

"How long have you been up?" she asks, stretching languidly.

"Hours."

Alexis cocks her head. "Really?" She turns and looks at the clock. "It's only 9:30."

Kate shrugs and watches as the teen hauls herself up to sitting, cracking her neck. "How'd you sleep?"

"Hard," Alexis says, smiling. "Dreamless."

"Good," Kate replies, relieved. With so much going on, it's good that Alexis is sleeping, and well.

"You?"

"Hard," Kate repeats. She did, just not for very long. Hard to sleep anything but deeply after what they—okay, no, not with Alexis in the room.

"Waffles?" Alexis asks, looking a bit more awake now.

"Waffles," Kate confirms.

Alexis slides out of bed and skirts around Kate, sneaking into her ensuite and closing the door with a yawn. Kate stares around at the room, noting the pictures of a younger Alexis and Castle building sandcastles, grilling on the deck, spashing in the pool. Kate smiles and walks closer to examine one of the two of them curled on the porch seat much like she and Castle had been earlier.

Alexis is pointing out at something on the water. Kate figures she must be about seven. Castle stares down at her, an incredibly soft look on his face. Kate wonders if that's how he would look at their children.

She startles, shaking her head. She's only realizing now that they calmly discussed childbirth this morning, like it was just…part of the future. She glances back at Alexis' young little face, lit up with discovery, looks over at her proud smile as she stands beside Castle's head, the rest of his body buried in sand. It would be nice to be around for that—to get to see him be a father like that.

Alexis comes out of the bathroom, wrapped in a fluffy robe, slippers on her feet, and her face split in yet another yawn.

"I feel like I didn't sleep at all," she says, walking over to lean into Kate's side.

"Oversleeping can do that," Kate agrees, guiding her out of the room.

It would be nice to get to see a kid grow up with Castle. Alexis cuddles into her side as they hit the bottom of the stairs, clinging to her in sleepiness and Kate smiles. It's nice to have this too, whatever it is—whatever compels the teenager to use her as a standing pillow.

"You're soft," Alexis says quietly as Kate guides her into the kitchen.

"Oh good. That means you're putting on weight," Castle says, smiling at them as he stirs the waffle batter.

"It's the robe," Kate counters, Alexis giggling into her shoulder.

Castle scowls at her and looks down at the batter. "Fine. Two waffles for you."

(…)

Two waffles doesn't stop her swimsuit from hanging off of her body.

Kate turns, considering herself in the full length mirror of the walk-in closet. She can hear Castle spraying himself down with sunscreen and sighs. It's all she has to wear, at any rate. And with it hanging like this, her scars aren't really visible.

But he won't like it.

She hates it, but it will make him worry. To her, she looks hideous, angular and unsexy. To him, it will look like she's still recovering. She is. But she'd like to keep the physical evidence hidden. Scars she can't cover, but the weight loss…

"Kate?"

Well, she can't hide it, can she?

She sighs and walks out of the closet, holding her towel and feeling the swim suit whack lightly against her stomach as she moves, the fabric pulling and letting loose with each step.

"Need someone to do your back?" she asks, going for collected and maybe a bit sultry.

It doesn't work. He's too busy staring at her. She fights to stay tall, stay confident. She can fake it. Fake it until maybe she regains that weight and doesn't have to anymore.

"I've missed that suit," he offers after a hard swallow.

She smiles at that—sweet man. "Thought you might appreciate it."

He nods and reaches out, pulling her in the last few feet to press his lips to hers and rest his hands on her hips. "Much nicer than a poke to the chest," he mumbles as they pull apart.

"Oh, I don't know," Kate says, smirking.

He gasps comically. "Dirty woman."

She shrugs and bends in his arms to pick up the spray can, pushing on him to turn him around so she can get his back. She smiles as she puts down the can and begins rubbing the lotion in, enjoys the way Castle slackens at the feeling.

"You have lovely hands," he concludes as she rubs in the last bit, lingering at the small of his back. She smiles and slithers her palms down to squeeze his ass. "Dangerous hands," he cautions, turning around to leer at her.

She laughs. "Not now, stud. Need a few hours."

He turns and smiles at her, chagrined. "Sorry, dear."

She laughs. "Don't apologize. Just give me time to recover."

He nods solemnly then leans in for a smacking kiss. "Strictly platonic beach day. I promise."

"Uh huh. I didn't believe it then, I don't believe it now."

"When?" She bites her lip. Whoops. Didn't mean to say that, did she? "Oh," he mumbles. "Oh, well," he considers her for a moment, then brushes a lock of hair from her face. "This is so much better."

She smiles at that, leans into his touch for a moment, then hands him the special sunscreen sitting on the headboard. "Would you get my back?"

He grins. "See, you never would have let me."

She rolls her eyes and spins around, listening as he uncaps the scar-protection SPF 80 the doctor perscribed. She's supposed to apply it every two hours, more if she swims, and keep something over her back while she sunbathes.

She's still debating whether she wants to bother or not. They'll always be visible, they told her. They'll fade, yes, but they'll never disappear. So is it worth it?

She feels Castle stall for a moment, tracing the line of the first cut and she blows out a slow breath. Yes, it's worth it for him, if not for her, so he doesn't have to see them dark and glaring everytime she turns her back.

She breathes deeply, waiting for him to move on. But he doesn't. "Rick?"

His forehead comes to rest against the back of her head and she feels his exhale over the top of her spine. "I'm just really glad you're alive."

She shivers and stays still, giving him the moment. It takes a beat, and a hard swallow, but she manages an equally quiet, "Me too."

"I still—when I woke up the other day, and you were gone. I knew you'd be fine. I mean, I hoped, you know?"

"Castle," she mumbles, not sure she can take hearing this.

"And you're here, and you are just fine, and it's over for now. But I still—I have this clench in my gut that hasn't gone away."

"Anger?" she wonders.

His hands begin smoothing the cream across her back in dedicated, careful strokes. "No," he says after a long pause. "No, just—three weeks you were gone. I nearly died with it, Beckett. If you hadn't come back, hadn't been alive if we ever managed to find you—I was barely eating as it was. I can't—I don't think I could do it again."

"You won't have to." It comes out choked and small, but she promises, she promises.

He smoothes his palms across her lower back, just under the line of the suit, dragging her back into his chest. She stares out at the ocean through the window, her eyes prickling from the clutch of his hands and the desolation in his voice.

This hurts. His trauma, his pain, hurts her. It brings back pain she's been fighting damn hard to push through. She takes a shuddering breath and tries to stop. She doesn't want to cry today.

But then the chest behind her takes the same breath and she forces herself to turn around. She lifts her eyes to his and he's crying too.

It startles her, forcing a wet laugh out of her mouth, and he cracks a sad smile. He pulls her close and she gratefully buries her face into the hollow of his throat, her arms wrapped high around his neck. His arms band around her back, one hand snaking up to cup the back of her head as she cries. She feels his breath hitching in time with hers, feels his tears hitting her bare shoulder.

"Why are you crying?" he whispers after a long few minutes.

"Because," is all she can come up with. "Why are you crying?" she mumbles into his throat.

"Because," he agrees.

She smiles, sniffling, and slowly pulls back. She takes in his puffy eyes, red nose, his tear-streaked cheeks, and reaches up to smooth her thumbs beneath his eyes. He does the same and she shudders, feeling him brush across her scar.

"Didn't—didn't think this would happen two years ago, huh?" she asks.

He huffs, then snuffles, loudly. She can't help but laugh. "No," he says, scowling playfully at her with wet eyelashes. "But I—it's—"

"I'm glad you can cry with me," she supplies for him. He nods solemnly and bends down to dust his lips to hers, both of them far too stuffed for anything deeper.

"You okay?" he asks asks, brushing back her now mussed hair.

"Are you?"

"Are you avoiding the question?"

"Are you?"

He opens his mouth then shuts it, considering her. She's not sure she can put it into words, the rush of saddness, almost mourning that overtook her. Mourning for his pain, his saddness—mourning for her own?

"I feel like swimming," he decides.

She smiles. "I'd like that."

"Then let's go."

He pulls back and they make quick work of grabbing their things and washing their faces, glancing sheepishly but freely at each other, side by side at the sinks in the bathroom. He splashes her a little to get another laugh and she finds herself freer for it as he drags her downstairs to the kitchen.

They meet Martha and Alexis on the deck, an assortment of beach chairs and towels piled up by the stairs. Alexis is wearing a modest blue bikini, hair long around her shoulders. She's thin. Not as thin as Kate, but thin, and somehow more grown up looking there in a bathing suit and bare feet.

Alexis' eyes light up as they come onto the porch and she scurries straight to Castle. "Would you do my hair, Daddy?"

Kate rubs a palm against Castle's lower back as he nods mutely. Alexis grins and spins aroung, passing back a hair tie. Kate stays close, noting the slight tremor in Castle's hands as he goes about deftly parting his daughter's hair and winding the strands into an impeccable french braid.

"You're good at that," Kate mumrurs, seeing Martha regard the three of them with a very soft smile.

"Dad can do anything with hair," Alexis agrees. "You should let him do yours. Gets less windblown this way," she adds as Castle ties off her braid and steps away. "Thanks!" she adds, flashing a smile over her shoulder before picking up the towels and leading Martha down onto the grass and out toward the little gate that leads to their private section of the beach.

"You okay?" Kate whispers as Castle stands still, watching them go.

"If I say no, can I braid your hair?" he asks, taking a deep breath.

She smiles. "Please."

And somehow, unlike the scars and the sunscreen, his large, dexterous fingers in her hair just make them both smile—something weirdly healing in the gesture.

"Come on," she encourages, spinning as soon as he's finished to take his hand.

"You're beautiful," he says, bending to kiss the corner of her eye.

She blushes and meets his eyes, the breath knocked out of her.

"I'm really glad you're here."

"Me too, Castle."

(…)

"Is everything okay?"

Kate looks up from her book, an old copy of _Pride and Predjudice_ she snagged off the nightstand that she's been skimming. Her mind feels foggy after their…whatever it was, like she's slogging through too many feelings to focus.

"Hmm?" Kate offers, turning to meet Alexis' gaze, twin pairs of sunglasses sheilding their eyes as they sit beneath a comically large beach umbrella Castle hauled out, along with four beach lounge chairs and a cooler of soda and water.

"You and dad," Alexis prompts.

Martha snores softly on Alexis' other side, sprawled out on the lounger piled high with three plush towels, fast asleep.

"We're fine," Kate says automatically. She glances out at the water, where Castle's wandering, collecting shells. She'd still be with him, but they both noticed the sunburn creeping in on her shoulders and he summarily banished her back to the shade.

"Kate."

Kate looks back at her and finds Alexis' blue eyes staring at her, sunglasses pulled down. She sighs and tries to muster an answer she couldn't find earlier.

"It's—I think we're both just…adjusting."

Alexis bites at her lip, her eyebrows creasing in worry. "To what?"

"Oh," Kate lets out, reaching out to smooth back the small whisps of broken hair that have fallen out of the girl's braid. "Nothing bad, Alexis."

Alexis puts down her sunglasses, still unsure, curling up in her chair with her legs stretched out across between them, pushing on Kate's thigh. "Then what?"

"We've been busy the last week. I think we're decompressing." There. That's what it is. They're decompressing, and apparently decompressing means sobbing all over each other with no provocation.

"But you're okay?"

"Of course we are," she say immediately, removing her own sunglasses, hoping the girl can see the honesty on her face—how they're just fine.

"Together, though," Alexis insists. "You're happy, right?"

Kate blinks. "With your dad?"

"I know you guys were fighting before we left, and you seem okay, but I just—never mind," she says, pulling her legs back and shaking her head. "I'm sorry, I'm being stupid."

"Hey," Kate says, reaching out to grab the teen's hand. "It's not stupid." Alexis eyes her dubiously. "We had a fight, but that doesn't mean we're not happy."

Alexis nods and squeezes her hand, but Kate hangs on, unwilling to let this go. She wants the bouncy teen who wanted a braid back—the girl who felt safe and at home here.

"Hey," Kate prompts, waiting until Alexis meets her eyes. "I love your dad, and no amount of fighting is going to make me stop. It's been uglier and we've made it through."

"I know," Alexis says.

"It's going to take some time for us to feel safe, and I need to get used to your mansion here." Alexis laughs at that. "But we're good, kid. We're happy together, and we're happy here, okay?"

"Okay," Alexis says softly.

Kate smiles and gestures to her book. "Read with me?"

Alexis hesitates for a moment then climbes out of her chair and snuggles in beside Kate, the two of them a jumble of angular bones and angles until they manage to settle with Alexis' legs thrown over Kate's. Kate cracks the book back open and smiles as Alexis rests her cheek on Kate's shoulder, eyelids already fluttering.

"Are you okay?" Kate asks, wondering how many more time she can ask the question today.

"Yeah," Alexis breathes out. "Just…I don't know."

"I hear that," Kate agrees. "We have the whole summer."

"Yeah," Alexis agrees. "I'm tired, Kate."

Kate nods and rests her cheek against the crown of the teen's head. "Me too."

"If I fall asleep on you," Alexis mumbles, already halfway there.

"Then it's a normal day," Kate supplies, smiling as Alexis huffs lightly before completely passing out.

"You're too much for her, Beckett."

Kate startles, reaching up to cup Alexis' head as she stirs before lolling back to sleep. Castle winces, stepping up to them, his boardshorts clinking, hands filled with pebbles and sea glass.

Kate smiles at him and shifts her feet, making room for him on the end of her lounger. She's surprised it doesn't give out with all three of them on it, but then again, maybe that's why he bothered to drag them out.

"Good haul?" she asks softly, marking her place in her book before reaching out as he passes over a gorgeous, almost pearl-white shell.

"We used to make mugs with them," he offers.

"Mugs?"

"Collect sea shells and glass, then glue them to mugs and fill the rest in with clay. Alexis loved it."

"Fun," Kate says, imaginging the two of them sitting at that kitchen table, gluing and laughing together.

Alexis shifts, her arm wrapping around Kate's side. Kate watches Castle smile, his fingers coming out to brush against her ankle.

"She looks comfy." She watches for a flare of sadness, wonders if this makes him feel excluded somehow, but he just looks peaceful, happy even. "Let me know if anything falls asleep, and I'll move her," he says, standing and plopping down in Alexis' unused chair.

He glances to his right and laughs. "Mother is passed out."

"Has been for a while," Kate adds. "Think she was partying hard?"

"Undoubtedly," he says, but there's no trace of ill will there. "Someday, you'll see one of her parties. You'll be exhausted too."

Kate groans. "This is more than enough."

He laughs and reaches out, tangling their fingers together on the arm of her chair. "Agreed." He stares at them, watches the rise and fall of Alexis' chest, sweeps his eyes up to Kate's face. "More than enough."


	27. Chapter 27

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 27:**

"I like that one," he says, smiling as Kate jerks in her seat. She turns her head and glares at him, but he just smiles. She's looking at bikini's on his computer, on his Amazon account. He can be a little smug.

"It's too…"

"What? Alluring? Sexy?"

"Small," Kate decides, watching him as he walks around to plop down beside her on the couch. He thought maybe he'd have breakfast with Alexis, but the girl is still fast asleep.

Kate was up hours before him. Went for a run, apparently. And read half a book. Not so tired anymore after a week of relaxation, sun and sand.

"It's not too small," he argues, sliding his arm across her shoulders along the back of the couch.

She settles against him, the frayed edges of her bun glancing off his bicep. She tilts the computer toward him and clicks to another screen, another of the seemingly endless tabs.

A red number, string bikini. The cups look…big enough, right?

"You look good in red," he says, watching as she blushes.

"I just—is it even a good idea? I'll have to be reapplying every hour."

"But you'll be more comfortable," he reminds her, thinking back to how she shifts her suit every few minutes, the fabric catching on her scars, irritating her shoulders, itching against her still-sensitive skin.

"I know. I know," she agrees, sighing and clicking over to another suit, this one simple and purple.

"Pretty," he offers, recognizing the set of her jaw, how uncomfortable this is making her.

"It is," Kate agrees, rubbing at her forehead.

"Headache?"

She nods slowly, glancing at the screen once before sliding it across to the coffee table. She curls into his body, head nestling in the curve of his shoulder. He lets his arm drop to rub between her shoulder blades, ignoring her slight tense as his fingers brush against the scars through her large, cotton long sleeve. She relaxes after a beat and her head lolls against him.

"Have you had enough to drink?" he asks gently.

She forgets.

"Probably not," she says with a small scoff. He sighs, but she grips into his shirt. "Don't go."

"You can't run and then not feed yourself, Beckett."

She huffs. "I had a muffin and yogurt and a whole water bottle. I'm just—it could just be a headache you know."

"You are not nearly annoyed to have a Castle headache."

She laughs and turns her cheek, kissing his chest. "Not all my ailments are born by irritation due to Castle."

He chuckles. "Good to know."

"I just have a headache, it's fine."

"I could get you Tylenol."

"Just sit here, would you?" she mumbles, curling her legs across his lap. "Alexis still asleep?"

"Yeah," he says, settling in for a long cuddle. "She's sleeping a lot, don't you think?"

"Napping too," Kate adds.

"Is that bad?"

She shrugs. "If it goes on for another week, maybe?"

"That's depression right? The sleeping?"

"Could be," Kate says, her voice tight.

He looks down and finds her with her eyes closed, brows scrunched. "Kate, come on. Let me get you meds."

"No," she whispers. "No. I can—I'm fine."

"Please," he needles, uncomfortable with how…uncomfortable she looks. She swallows hard. "You've got a migraine."

"Nu-uh," she mumbles. "Don't get migraines."

"You sure?"

She breathes out slowly, calculated. She's tense, her whole body rigid. "Maybe not," she says, burrowing into him as much as possible. "Fuck."

He slides his hand up, massaging her shoulders and then the back of her neck, trying to alleviate any of the pain he can. He rarely gets them himself, but hell, they're painful.

"What helps?" he asks softly.

She groans, curling her legs up. "Don't remember."

"How long since you last had one?"

"Years," she whispers, her knuckles turning white around the fabric of his shirt.

He sighs and rests with her for one minute more. "Okay, Kate, I'm getting you Excedrin, and water."

Slowly, so slowly, she nods and he gently untangles her from his embrace. He turns back and helps her lay down, heart breaking at how entirely small and weak she looks, at the scrunch of her face and the fetal position of her body.

"I'll be right back," he soothes, brushing the hair from her sweating forehead before jogging out of the room.

He rummages in the medicine cabinet in the kitchen, knows there must be some somewhere. His mother gets them on occasion. Alexis too.

He stops, realizing for the first time that in the nearly three months he's basically been living with Beckett, she hasn't cycled once. He winces as fleeting fear shoots through his system.

She's not pregnant.

But if she's not pregnant, then this might be the first period she's had in months, and oh boy, could that be terrible.

He finally finds a bottle of Excedrin, tipping two pills hastily into his palm and filling a glass of water. He mentally goes through everything he knows about helping a woman feel less like shit on her period. He should have an extensive repertoire to go on here. Daughter, mother, two ex-wives.

But when he gets back to the living room and finds her pale and clammy, watches her suck down the pills and return to a tightly curled ball on the couch, he just sits down on the floor. He reaches up and gently undoes her bun, runs his fingers through her hair.

He wants to talk, wants to distract the pain away, but he knows he can't. Instead, he just sits, watching as she slowly relaxes, the medication kicking in in increments until at last her legs unfurl.

"Hey," he whispers as she blinks her eyes open, hazy slits. "Any better?"

"Yeah," she says, her voice rough and dry. "Don't have to stay."

He tuts at her. "Nowhere I'd rather be, Beckett."

She smiles at that, reaching out to glance her fingers off his chin. "Man."

He laughs softly. "Yes?"

"Good man," she corrects, swallowing before opening her eyes wider, meeting his. "You're a good man."

He smiles, his chest clenching in pleasure, and leans in to brush his lips to her forehead. "Glad you think so." She nods hazily and nuzzles against his palm. "Do you want a bath?"

She hums but doesn't move. "Comfy here."

He nods and sits for a few minutes in the dim silence with her. "Should I go get Midol?" he whispers, the thought popping out.

Her eyes snap open, wide, and her jaw falls. "Shit," she mumbles, sitting up suddenly, only to groan and flop back down.

"Beckett?"

"I didn't—" Her forehead creases. "How did you put those dots together? I hadn't even gotten there."

He laughs. "I am surrounded by women, you know."

Kate swats at him, but misses, her hand landing on the couch cushion. "Just—oh, ugh, sorry."

"No apology necessary," he refutes. "But seriously, should I be sending mother out for Midol? Do you want a hot water bottle? Ice cream? What are your comforts?"

"My comforts?"

He ignores the slight smirk she's giving him. What? It's a skill set.

"Do you like salty? Sweet? Should I hide the Temptation Lane? Do you want to kick box? Yoga?"

She giggles and he deflates, watching her amusement with some delight. "How about that apple smoothie thing?"

"What thing?" he asks, searching back in his head. He doesn't make a—"Oh, Alexis' drink?"

She nods.

"How do you know about that?"

Kate's smile dims and she reaches out to curl her hand into his shirt. "Alexis wanted one when we were in the basement. And one for me. Thought it might stop the vomiting."

"Oh," he breathes out. "Oh."

"See? Good man."

He sits up a little straighter, touched and awed a bit. "Okay. Apple smoothie. Coming up."

"And one for 'Lexis too," Kate mumbles as he stands.

He smiles, leaning down to cover her with the blanket across the back of the couch. "And one for Alexis too."

"Love you," Kate whispers, her eyes slipping shut again.

He stands for a long moment, watching her drift into uneasy sleep. She thinks he's a good man.

(…)

"Looks like she's awake."

"I'll go grab the smoothie."

Kate blinks, squinting around the dim room. She's in the sitting room, curled on the couch. There's something playing softly to her left, and she thinks she can feel someone else's weight on the couch by her feet. She shifts and pulls herself up against the pillow along the arm of the couch.

Castle smiles at her, lifting her feet into his lap.

"How you feeling?" he asks, wrapping his large hand around her ankle.

"Hazy," she admits. The whole world seems a little over-bright, a little fuzzy. "How long was I out?"

"About four hours."

"Wow," she mutters. "Sorry. Were—we were going to go shopping?"

He shakes his head and rubs his other hand along her sweat-pant-clad calf. "We'll go tomorrow. Alexis and I have been watching Parks."

"Without me?"

"We did the first season."

"Oh, that's fine," she says, smiling as she stretches and notices the laptop by her feet. "You guys could have gone to the den."

"No way," he says, squeezing her foot. "We're happy here."

"Here you go." Kate turns as Alexis proffers a large glass full of smoothie from the back of the couch.

"Thank you," Kate says, looking between them. "You already have yours?"

Alexis nods with a grin and walks over to plop down in front of Castle on the floor, leaning back against the arm of the couch. "It was perfect."

Kate smiles as Castle grins down at his daughter. She takes a drag of the smoothie and groans.

"Good?" Castle asks, looking gleeful.

"Amazing. Want this all the time," she mumbles around the straw. It's creamy and light, with a hint of apple and a little ginger. Just a few sips have settled her stomach nicely.

"Told you," Alexis offers.

Kate smiles at her. "Can't argue with you one bit."

The teen nods decisively then turns back to the laptop, her body relaxed. Kate thinks maybe she looks a bit more rested, a little more alert than she did the day before. She's up at least. There was a day early in the week when she didn't get out of bed. Something to watch, for sure.

"Where's Martha?" Kate asks.

"Out with David," Alexis supplies.

"Who's David?" Castle asks, bewildered.

"He owns the yacht club. They're going dancing."

"How do you know this?" he insists.

"She mentioned last night at dinner," Alexis replies slowly.

"She did?" Kate puts in. She doesn't remember Martha mentioning a gentleman friend.

"You guys were busy talking about that theory on Esposito's fear of dogs which is wrong."

"How do you know it's wrong?" Castle asks.

"Because he's not afraid of dogs. He's afraid of being bitten on the ass. Lanie's mother's dog bit him, and it wasn't pretty."

They both stare at her. "Did you know this?" Castle asks, turning to Kate.

"No, and Lanie's so paying for that," Kate says, glancing around. "My phone around?"

Alexis passes it over, laughing as Castle huffs. "You shouldn't have better dish than me," he tells her.

"Like Lanie's going to give you Javi's dirt," Alexis snarks back.

"If I got her drunk enough, maybe," Castle says.

"You better not be getting Lanie drunk," Kate adds, poking him in the stomach with her toes as she listen's to Lanie's ring.

"Not for that!" Castle squeaks.

"No, no," Kate says, rolling her eyes as Alexis whacks his calf. "She has dirt on me. Lanie?"

"Dirt? What dirt?" Castle says, perking up.

"Kate! Hey, girl. We've been worried about you, honey," Lanie says, her voice light and carefree.

"Sorry," Kate says, wincing a bit. "Lost track of time out here a bit."

"I bet," Lanie says with a hum. "Loving your beach getaway?"

"I'm on suspension," Kate argues, but there's no fight in it. She's on a beach vacation, who's she kidding?

"Uh huh. So. What's it like?"

Kate laughs. "Big. You guys should come up some weekend. Memorial day, or the Fourth."

"Oh, we can so do that," Lanie agrees, and Kate can practically see her scheming now. "Just calling to check in?"

"Wanted to say hi," Kate says, thinking back to last summer. "And wanted to ask why you're telling Alexis about dog bites and not me?"

Alexis gasps and turns to Kate, glaring. "Hey!"

"What?" Lanie asks, laughing.

"I didn't say anything," Alexis calls out.

"She did too," Castle shouts.

"Guys," Kate protests, covering her other ear.

"You were busy solving a case," Lanie says. "And Alexis was there when I had to redress the damn thing. Wasn't tryin'a keep dish from you. Javi was so embarrassed."

"Poor guy," Kate says, imagining her colleague letting Lanie dress his wound in the morgue, Alexis snickering off to the side.

"Don't take it out on Alexis," Lanie adds with a small sigh.

"We won't," Kate promises, nudging Castle as he tickles Alexis' ear. He turns and gives her a sheepish look, leaving his daughter alone.

"How is she?" Lanie asks, her voice softer, worried.

"She's doing well," Kate tells her, smiling as Alexis glances back at her. "Tired but good." Alexis nods slowly.

"I just—I feel so—"

"I know, but it's good, Lane. Everyone's doing well." Migraines and impending menstrual cycles aside.

"Good," Lanie says. Kate hears tinkering in the background.

"Are you working right now?"

"Yeah, just finished a vee incision. You're on speaker."

"Ick," Kate mumbles.

Lanie laughs. "Oh please."

"Any good cases?"

Lanie snorts. "Honey, have your vacation."

Kate sighs and relaxes back against the couch. "I am. I was just asking, jeez."

"Javi's the same way. You two need to learn to relax."

"I am relaxed. Castle's giving me a foot rub as we speak." Castle looks over with a grin, his fingers digging into the arch of her right foot.

"Sounds heavenly."

"Mm," Kate agrees. "S'not so bad."

Lanie laughs. "I'm glad you're all good and happy there."

"Thanks," Kate says softly, a sudden pang to see her friend flaring wide in her chest. It's lovely here with just the Castles, but she misses her friends, the rest of their weird family. "Come up for the Fourth."

"I'll work on getting Javi and Kevin back together," Lanie says by way of response. "And I've got to go, but it's good to hear your voice."

Kate swallows hard. "I'll call more, Lane, I promise."

"Good. Love you, sweetie. Take care."

"You too," Kate gets out before clicking off. She rubs at her chest, feeling a bit overwhelmed.

"Lanie would really like the pool," Alexis says, smiling at Kate.

"Yeah," Kate agrees, sinking back into the couch and placing her smoothie out on the coffee table. "And the beach. Ryan will too."

"Really? It looks like he never gets any sun at all," Castle says, eyebrows raised in disbelief.

Kate laughs. "Well, he doesn't have much opportunity. Especially not with us both on suspension."

Damn. What a terrible first married summer it must be for the Ryans. And here she is, Castle massaging her feet and making her smoothies, Alexis happy as a clam to spend her senior summer with her father and his girlfriend.

"Maybe we can send them on a trip for their anniversary," Castle offers, squeezing her foot.

"Yeah," she agrees.

With his money, of course. She'll be tapped. Jeez.

"Hey, let's move into the den, make it a little darker," Castle suggests, slipping from beneath her feet. "Watch something quiet? You up for it, pumpkin?"

Alexis takes one look at her and nods, popping to her feet and offering Kate her hands to pull her up while Castle grabs the laptop. Kate shakes her head but takes Alexis' hands, stumbling as she gets to standing. Alexis ducks under her arm and helps steady her, guiding her to follow Castle out of the sitting room.

"I don't know why it hit me so hard," Kate mumbles to the girl as Alexis squeezes her waist.

"Why do you think I was asleep all day on Tuesday?" Alexis says, giving her a smiling grimace.

"Oh," Kate says. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"I haven't gotten it yet, but it's coming," Alexis corrects. "I was just so tired."

Kate bends to kiss her forehead. "Being a girl sucks, huh?"

Alexis laughs. "I think being dad might suck more this week."

Castle chuckles and spins around as they reach the den, plopping the laptop on the set-up by the TV. "You don't scare me with your hormones, ladies."

Alexis rolls her eyes and Kate giggles, letting the teen lower her onto the corner of the sofa. It's a lounger, suede and comfy, and takes up most of the wall across from the enormous 60 inch TV. Castle walks around the room, shutting the blinds, and Kate sighs in contentment. It hadn't seemed that bright in the sitting room, but it was.

Alexis curls up beside her, and Kate smiles as Castle plops down on the lounger, burrowing his way into the corner until she's resting against his chest. Alexis stretches out, her head in Kate's lap, and Castle cues up the DVD player.

"_Pride and Prejudice_ okay?" he whispers, running his fingers through her hair.

"Perfect," Kate whispers back, sinking against him, Alexis's head a heavy, comforting weight on her thighs. "Thanks."

He smiles and turns his cheek, pressing a soft kiss to her lips. "My pleasure, Beckett."

They watch quietly for a few minutes, the beautiful score lulling them all into a deep state of mid-afternoon stupor.

"Where should we send Ryan?" Castle wonders quietly.

Kate shrugs, glancing down as Alexis shifts. She smiles and brushes her hand through the teen's hair, noting her deep breathing and closed eyes—asleep, again.

"Has he ever actually been to Ireland?"

"Oh, I bet Jenny would love that," Kate says, glancing up at him where she's shifted to rest with her head in the crook of his arm. "Like a walking tour?"

"Of the castles," Castle adds with a little grin. "Over the holidays, maybe?"

"Do you really think they don't have to be with their families? Jenny's is huge."

"Right," Castle says, scratching at his chin. "Huh. Maybe in January? Late Christmas present?"

"That sounds nice," Kate agrees. "We can look at prices later?"

Castle huffs and taps his fingers on her shoulder. "Don't worry about it."

"I want to contribute. It's a joint gesture, right?"

He nods slowly, frowning. "Yeah, but…I don't want to pry, but how are you, financially? I know the summer and the bombing before the previous one took you back a bit."

Kate closes her eyes, forces herself to breathe through that residual grief, through the slight pain she still harbors at losing that first apartment, at the horrible summer spent subletting afterward—subletting and dreaming of Castle happy here in the Hamptons with Gina. She can't even think about the hospital bills, and the physical therapy—mostly covered by her force insurance, but not entirely. The meds, muscle relaxants, pain relievers, weren't cheap.

"I'm—tight," she admits.

He shifts a bit and she feels him take a deep breath. "Can I help?"

She shakes her head. "I'm okay. I'm not flush, but I'll survive."

"The suspension?"

"Makes it a bit worse," she says, slumping against him. It's not that she felt they'd never talk about it. But she just…didn't want to tell him, didn't want to open up the whole messy reality of her suspension, and the kidnapping, and the dwindling of her meager savings after the shooting.

She's not poor by any means, but her cushion is all but gone, and the two months without pay will drain the last of it.

"I can reimburse you," he offers.

"Castle."

"You're suspended because you wanted to keep us safe, at my request."

"No," she says, a little louder than intended. Alexis stirs on her lap, and they wait a long, tense beat before she settles again. "No, I'm suspended because I decided my life was more important than answers. That's on me, Castle."

"And the rent you've been paying while staying with us?"

"Is rent I would have been paying anyway."

He sighs. "And the rent while you're here?"

She scrubs at her face. "I live there, Castle. Doesn't matter if I'm here or in Tahiti. I still have to pay rent."

"I could pay it," he says slowly.

"I'm not asking you to," she says quickly, hoping to deter him.

"I'm offering."

"Castle, I don't—I don't need you to pay my rent. I have the money."

"But why spend it on rent when you're living with me?"

They both stiffen. They haven't discussed it, not like that. Obviously, she is, living with him. Has been for nearly three months now. But it's not…like that. She isn't _living_ with him.

"I," he starts, before closing his mouth, waiting her out.

"It's sweet of you," she manages, searching for the right words. She does want to live with him, someday—really live with him. But not because she's not healthy enough to leave, not because Alexis is having panic attacks. Not because it's all they know after terrible trauma.

"I just—I have all this money, Kate, and it's not doing anyone any good in savings. What's the point if I can't take care of the people I love?"

She wilts at that. She understands, she does. She just wants him to use it for the right reasons—not for this.

For good things. For—"Fine. You can pay for the Ryan's trip."

He chuckles, surprised. "Not what I meant," he tells the top of her head, before pressing a long kiss there.

"I know," she says, squeezing his thigh. "But right now, can you pay for the Ryans, and we'll cross other bridges later?"

He hums and she settles again, watching as Mr. Darcy refuses to dance with Lizzie. Castle's fingers comb through her hair again and she relaxes against him, her sweet, sometimes overbearing, loving boyfriend, partner.

"I do want to though," he says a long while later.

"Want to what?" she mumbles, half dozing now as the Bennets take a carriage ride to visit Jane at Pemberley.

"Take care of you," he continues.

She nods against his chest. "You do, Castle. Don't need your money for you to take care of me."

He huffs at her. "But I want to take care of you with my money too."

"Babe, I can pay my rent. I won't be buying three hundred dollar jackets before Christmas, but I can cover my rent and my expenses."

"But I want you to have the things you want," he argues. "I could buy you jackets."

She laughs, too relaxed now to be grumpy or combative about it. "What you get me for Christmas and my birthday is up to you, Castle."

She's nowhere near his mouth, but she can tell he's grinning. "Oh, Beckett, prepare for a presents overload."

"You're paying tuition too, remember," Kate says, feeling Alexis drooling onto her sweatpants.

"That comes out of the college fund," he says easily.

"The—really?" The way his body stiffens she can tell she's hit a nerve. "Castle?"

"I know you don't want me throwing money around, but I hope you know that I'm responsible," he mumbles.

She sighs. "Not what I meant, Castle. I just didn't realize you had a separate account for that."

"Of course I do. I've had it since she was born. Ten percent of all book sales went into her college fund, and ten percent into the trust fund she'll get when she turns thirty."

"Thirty," Kate repeats, surprised all over again by the man she's using as a pillow. She's just never given it much thought, his wealth, other than the fact that it exists.

"She should do some work," he explains. "I'll help her, whatever she needs. If it's unpaid internships, or crappy first jobs with tiny salaries, I can help her live well, but she should work. She should find what she loves. And then when she's old enough, there's money to raise her kids and buy a house, no matter what she's doing, or how much it pays."

Kate turns as much as she can against him, reaching up to touch his cheek, awed by his reasoning, and his forethought, and the obvious blinding love he has for his daughter. She sees it every day, but it never ceases to surprise her.

"A good, good man," she says, meeting his eyes. "I never doubt that. You just—you surprise me every day by just how much."

His eyes soften and she smiles as he tugs her closer, wrapping both arms around her. "Thank you."

She kisses his chin as he leans his head down to rest against hers. "A good man, and a good father. I've known that forever, Rick."

His hands clutch at her and she resolves to do more, show more, _say_ more than she does. She knows it so deeply, feels it so overwhelmingly. But maybe somebody needs to say it to him every day.

"I really love you," he whispers.

She smiles. "I really love you too."


	28. Chapter 28

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 28:**

She wakes in the middle of the night, body buzzing. It takes her a few moments to open her eyes, to reorient herself to the still-foreign room, to the comfort of Castle sleeping soundly beside her.

She breathes deeply, counting slowly in her head until the dream fades away. Something about a gun and a basement and a crying red-headed teenager. Kate shivers and rubs her palm against the soft cotton of her pilfered tee shirt, easing the gallop of her heart through the rhythmic stroke against her bullet wound.

She's in the Hamptons with Castle and Alexis. Everyone's fine. She's safe, and they're well. She lays for a few minutes, hoping to find the oblivion of sleep again, but finds it irritatingly elusive. She's not surprised, but she always hopes.

Before her shifting can wake Castle, she slips from the bed, shrugging into his robe and tiptoeing out of the room. She's wearing only his clothes—his robe, his boxers, his shirt. She has lovely pajamas, even a few new sets he gifted her with yesterday, when he realized she's likely to be prostrate for a few days, that impending, surprise period well on its way.

She grimaces, hoping that isn't what woke her. Her first period after her shooting had been hell—cramping and bloating and headaches, though nothing so bad as earlier in the week. Poor Castle.

She shakes it off and heads for the kitchen, padding down the upstairs hall until she passes Alexis' door. She pauses and turns back, pushing gently on the door to peak her head through the door and check on the teenager.

She wants a nice picture in her mind's eye, rather than the crying, sobbing one she woke to—half dream, half memory.

Instead, she peers inside and finds Alexis curled tight in a ball, tears on her cheeks.

"Alexis?" she whispers, stepping into the room as Alexis stares at her. "Hey, what's wrong?"

She crouches down at the side of the bed and runs her hand over the girl's cheek. "Nightmare?" she asks. Alexis shakes her head, eyes scrunching shut briefly. "Alexis," Kate repeats, starting to worry as the kid remains non-verbal. "Are you sick?"

"Cramp," Alexis mumbles, and it's then that Kate notices the arm she has wrapped tightly around her middle, the sheen of sweat on her forehead.

"Oh," Kate breathes out, "How long?"

"A while," Alexis whispers, her free hand reaching out to grasp Kate's. "I'm 'kay."

Kate shakes her head. "We can get you meds and a hot water bottle. That will make it better."

"I'm 'kay," Alexis repeats, as if she doesn't quite understand the offer.

Kate smiles and squeezes her hand. "I know. I'll be right back, okay?"

Alexis nods slowly and Kate stands, hurrying out of the room and down to the kitchen, where she knows Castle has Tylenol and a hot water bottle. Poor girl. Waking up in pain is always the worst—so confusing and distressing. And lying there alone, too numbed by it to move to get something to help—she knows what that's like. But Alexis isn't alone. Kate can help.

She shuffles back into Alexis' room and sighs at the picture the girl makes, still scrunched on the bed and miserable.

"Here," she says softly, gently moving Alexis' arm to slide the hot water bottle between her curled legs and her stomach. "And here, rise up a little."

She helps Alexis swallow down the pills, chasing them with a few gulps of water. The teen flops back onto the bed, an involuntary groan passing through her lips.

"So much worse," she mumbles.

"Than normal?"

Alexis nods as Kate tugs the blankets up over her shoulder. "Hurts," she admits, sounding small and sad.

Kate moves to sit in the small space left by Alexis' knees. Alexis looks up at her, eyes wet, and she changes her mind, slipping out of the robe and climbing into bed behind the teen so she can wrap her arm around her. Alexis rolls over and presses her face into Kate's bicep, uncurling her legs but still clutching at the hot water bottle.

"It'll pass," Kate promises, remembering a not dissimilar night spent in her own bed at home, her mother rubbing her back and promising that it wouldn't be so bad forever—that the older she got, the less terrible it would be.

She didn't quite believe her then, when every other month was pure agony. But she believes her now.

"Sorry," Alexis whispers, her lips and eyes wet, body tense.

"Don't be sorry," Kate soothes. "I'm sorry you were all alone."

Alexis shakes her head, wet eyelashes glancing off Kate's arm. "S'okay. Done it before."

Kate hums and kneads her fingers into Alexis' lower back, smiling as the teen relaxes just a hair. "You come get me next time, okay?"

Alexis huffs. "Couldn't move."

Kate grimaces. She remembers that too, willing her mother to appear by sheer force of need. "Text me."

Alexis manages a laugh. "Sure, Kate."

She smiles and bumps the teen's knee with her own. Alexis smiles wanly and cuddles closer, the hot water bottle warm between them. Slowly, her eyes stop leaking and she stops taking panting, pained breaths, relaxing into her comfortable bed, head growing heavier against Kate's arm.

"A bit better?" Kate asks softly.

"Yeah," Alexis says, stretching gingerly. "Why're you up?" she wonders after a moment.

"Nightmare," Kate admits easily. "Was headed down for warm milk when I checked on you."

"Glad you did," Alexis whispers, curling her hand into Kate's shirt, leaving the cooling water bottle to the mattress.

Kate smiles and strokes her hand up and down the kid's arm. "Me too."

"What was your nightmare about?" Alexis asks.

"The usual," Kate says, brushing the hair from Alexis' forehead. "The basement, a gun, you."

"Me?"

"You and your dad frequent my nightmares," Kate admits. "Of course you do."

Alexis sighs and nods against her arm. "Mine too. You and dad."

"Any tonight?"

"Don't think so," Alexis replies, eyes growing heavy. "Cramp woke me, not the dreams."

"Good," Kate says. "Well, not good, but I'm glad. Nightmares are awful."

"I'd take nightmares over the cramps," Alexis argues. "At least nightmares go away."

Kate clicks her tongue and shifts around, settling in as her own exhaustion rises. "Cramps do too. I promise."

"Yeah," Alexis mumbles. "Mom barely gets them."

"That's good," Kate assures her.

"Do you get them?" Alexis wonders.

"Sometimes," Kate hedges. "Been hit or miss this year. They were pretty bad when I was your age too."

Alexis frowns. "Sucks."

"Yeah, it does. But if your mom's got better, yours probably will too. There's hope."

"Mom said I should go on the pill," Alexis adds. "But I last time I tried I was so nauseous and woozy the doctor took me off."

"Did you only try one kind?"

"Yeah," Alexis says, wrinkling her nose. "Kind of freaked dad out, and mom was on shoot, so we just gave up."

Kate sighs. Oh, poor Castle and his pained tween daughter. "Maybe we can find one that works, or get you an IUD with hormones to help with the cramps."

"What do you have?" Alexis asks, blushing a little. "If you don't mind—"

"'Course I don't," Kate says quickly. "I have a hormone based IUD. Sometimes I still have a bad cycle, but that's more to do with diet and…other trauma than anything else. It's been very helpful."

"Expensive?" Alexis asks after a beat.

Kate snorts. "Please. Your dad can handle it."

"But I don't want to ask him!" Alexis says quickly.

Kate startles as Alexis covers her face with her hand, wincing. "Why not?" Kate asks gently. She can't imagine Castle would be anything other than supportive.

"You didn't see him around Ashley. He was awful," Alexis says, face still covered. "And ugh. He—he gave me the talk but it was so awkward, and I just—please, can't I get something with a low co-pay I can put on my card?"

Kate sighs. She didn't see this one coming—having to talk to both Castles about birth control, for Little Castle. Ugh. But then she looks at Alexis, who lowers her hand, lip between her teeth, looking so young and uncomfortable. Not nearly so terrible for her as it must be for Alexis.

"I'm sure your dad can handle it. I'll talk to him with you if you want," she offers. "And I can take you to my doctor back in the city. She's great. Very supportive and happy to answer questions. I've been going to her since I was your age, and she's kept up on all the best methods."

Alexis considers her for a long moment before nodding. "Okay. Thanks."

Kate smiles. "No thanks necessary. And Alexis," she adds, feeling like she needs to stick up for Castle a bit—knows he wants and will do whatever's best for his baby. "You can talk to your dad about anything. You know that, right?"

Alexis nods quickly. "I do. I do." Kate smiles. "I just—some things you shouldn't have to go to your dad for, you know?" Alexis whispers.

And oh, she knows what Alexis means. She never wanted to ask her father for anything woman related, not before her mother died, and not after. Every conversation about sex was awkward, every trip to the gynecologist on his medical was torture. How she wanted and yearned for her mother when things got complicated. She still does—still wants to ask about love and babies and sometimes even sex—wants her perspective and her wisdom and her hugs, telling her everything will be okay.

Meredith isn't here to answer these questions, or at least, Alexis doesn't seem to want to ask them long-distance.

"You can ask me anything, anytime," she promises. Alexis smiles and curls closer. "I may have to consult with your dad sometimes. But you can always, always ask."

"I know," Alexis says, her forehead resting against Kate's collarbone. "I'm—I'm really glad you're here," she whispers.

Kate smiles and kisses the top of her head. "Me too, Alexis."

(…)

"Castle, why are you following me?" she hisses as he trails her down the feminine products aisle. "I can do this on my own."

"I know. But I'm curious."

"About what tampons I like?" She turns back and catches a glimpse of his sheepish nod. "Dear God, Castle, not everything I do is observation worthy."

He smiles. "I beg to differ."

"Is this—what do you get out of this? What does it tell you? Are you comparing methods?" She comes to a halt. "Is this—like, a girlfriend thing? A wife thing?"

"What?" he asks, stepping back from her as they stand in front of the unusually large selection of tampons and pads. She's surprised they have so many brands at this tiny Hannaford.

"Is this—are you comparing what I use to what…other women use?"

His eyes go wide and he gapes at her. "No. No no no, not—I'm—wow, okay, going to get the ground beef now."

He about faces and speeds away, a hunch to his shoulders. She sighs. She doesn't think it was a weird conclusion to come to—the man was watching her buy tampons.

She winces a moment later. Maybe he was trying to figure out her brand so he could come get them later. Oh, wow, and she went to—yeesh.

She quickly scoops up her preferred brand and Alexis', shoving them into the basket she's carrying before wandering down the aisle to find the meat section. She needs to kiss this one better, she thinks.

Unless he was seriously comparing her tampon preferences to Gina's for analytical purposes.

She pauses as she reads the signs above the aisles. She's compared condom brands before. Huh, she doesn't even know his preferred brand. They just…skipped right over that, since she's got it covered. What brand of condoms does Richard Castle like?

She smiles slowly. Oh, she can so fix this.

She finds him considering two brands of beef, a look of intense concentration on his face.

"What's it down to?" she asks.

He glances at her and then back to the meat. "Fat content."

"Higher fat, for sure," she says, laughing as he grins.

"I keep forgetting you're both still trying to gain," he mumbles, plopping the meat into her basket. He meets her eyes. "Well, I mean—I'm used to doing skinny stuff for you. I haven't forgotten that…never mind."

Kate smiles and steps into him, arching up to kiss his cheek as he automatically steadies her with a hand on his waist. "I get it," she tells him. "Now, come back with me. I want your opinion."

He gives her a quizzical look but takes her hand all the same, allowing her to lead him back into the tampon aisle. Only this time, she bypasses all of the blood-related products and pulls them to a stop in front of the rather smaller display of condoms, lubricants, and general intercourse-related creams.

"Uh, Kate?" Castle mumbles.

She laughs and squeezes his hand. "I know we don't usually use them, but I thought—well," she pauses, blushing deeply. Oh, she really didn't think this through.

Biting her lip, she gestures to the feminine products, then back to the condoms. It takes him about five seconds.

"Oh," he exclaims, loudly.

"Castle," she hisses, covering her cheek with her free hand.

"Oh," he repeats, softer. "I, ah, have some at home," he whispers, meeting her eyes briefly, both of them embarrassed.

"What brand?" she asks, because that was really what she wanted to know—initially hadn't meant—but she wonders if he'd be interested…

He reaches out for a box of Durex, extra sensitive condoms and plops them into the basket.

She nods, both of them still staring straight at the display. "Tampax, by the way."

"What?" he says, looking back at her.

She shrugs and points into the basket. "Tampax Pearl, if you ever, um, need to grab some."

"Oh. Right. Okay," he says, fiddling with the bottom of his tee shirt.

They stand for a long moment, quiet, until a teenager rushes down the aisle, stopping behind them and trying to peer around them at the condoms. She can practically feel his pubescent hormones.

Kate and Castle's eyes meet and they both bite their lips. Castle drags her quickly from the aisle and down another before tugging her in to muffle his laughter in her hair. She snickers into his chest.

"Have I mentioned that I'm glad you're old?"

"What?" he yelps.

She pulls back and laughs, reaching up to run her finger down his cheek. "Virile old, Castle. Not…that," she says, gesturing to the other aisle. "Lots and lots of stamina."

He smiles at her, a little dangerous. "Lots and lots," he agrees. "Want a demonstration?"

"In the cat food aisle?" she asks, stepping back to relieve a bit of the tension.

He blinks and looks around. "Oh, well, no. Not really my idea of exhibitionism."

"Balcony sex," she agrees.

He grins. "Balcony sex. Definitely. Tonight?"

She gapes at him. Right, he has a balcony here too. A few of them, actually. But they should certainly stick to the one off their bedroom, when everyone's asleep, with the lights off.

Some crude jokes she can handle, but Alexis seeing them having sex? No. No, too scarring.

"We'll see," she hedges, tamping down the thrill of the idea. They're in the supermarket, after all. And there's dinner with the family yet to get through. And she's already started a bit. Balcony sex could be messier than she'd like at this point.

"Sometime while we're here," he says, winking at her. She laughs, but doesn't dismiss the idea. He grins and grabs her hand, leading her back out of the aisle and toward the dairy section. "Come on, we need biscuits too."

(…)

"Dad, these are so good," Alexis exclaims, reaching for a second burger.

Kate smiles, watching Castle's eyes light up. "They really are," she adds, before popping the last of her first into her mouth.

He even made homemade aioli for them, garlic and basil. He toasted the buns, and did them with all different kinds of cheese. They're smoky and perfect, and she's tempted to take a second just like Alexis.

But there are fries too, and biscuits, and mashed potatoes, and grilled corn and peppers. She doesn't even remember buying half of it with him. It was like after their promise of balcony sex, he used all of his extra sexual tension to go overboard cooking. And it worked, big time.

"I for one cannot eat another bite," Martha declares, throwing her napkin onto the table and stretching out in her chair. The ocean laps in the distance, the sun setting and casting shadows over their table on the deck.

"Not even cheesecake?" Alexis asks around a mouthful.

"Cheesecake, you say?" Martha asks, opening one eye where she's slumped gracelessly in her seat.

"Kate made it," Castle adds, polishing off an ear of corn.

Okay, so she may have gotten swept up too.

"Oh, dear, well, if Katherine made it," Martha decides, waving a hand.

"Maybe we take a movie break?" Kate suggests with a laugh as Castle slumps back as well. Alexis is going for more potatoes.

"Yes," Castle and Martha exclaim at once.

"Sure," Alexis offers with a shrug, adding salt to her potatoes.

Kate winces, but doesn't say anything. She knows the pull of salt too, but it always makes her cramps worse—always bloats her up and makes her feel icky and horrible. She glances at her own plate. Well shit, that's—everything. Everything has salt.

But those peppers do look good, and the aioli was so delicious—fuck it. She's having more.

"Maybe we should be menstrual more often," Alexis says, watching Kate slather her pepper in sauce.

Castle grunts. "What?"

"Well, look at the food you make for us," Alexis replies with a grin.

He laughs. "Kate helped."

"She can't be held responsible for her actions. It's cravings," Alexis says, swiping a finger to pick up the last of the sauce on her plate.

"I'm not a slave to my cravings," Kate mumbles. Alexis raises an eyebrow. "What, you don't want cheesecake?"

The teen laughs. "I'm just saying. Dad takes good care of us."

Castle blushes and Kate smiles as Martha reaches over to pat his arm. "Yeah, he does," Kate agrees. "And so upbeat for a man in the middle of all these hormones."

He laughs and looks between them. "Ladies, I will take whatever you want to dish out."

"He never did yell at me when I was thirteen and freaked out," Alexis says, smiling at her dad.

"Of course not!" Castle yelps. "You—I would never yell at you. It sucks to be a girl. I wouldn't add to that. You needed ice cream and snuggles."

"I know. But not all dads do, so thanks, you know?"

Castle bobs his head slowly, looking a little out of his element. "Anytime, pumpkin."

Alexis smiles and glances at Kate, her cheeks a little pink. "Cheesecake?"

All three adults groan but the teenager just laughs and gets up, headed back into the house to grab the dessert.

"Next time, let's just have sex," Kate mumbles as Castle wraps his arm around her.

He laughs against her ear. "But cheesecake."

She giggles and turns to kiss his cheek. "You okay?"

He nods, glancing toward his mother, who's falling asleep in her chair. "Love my women."

Kate squeezes his thigh. "We love you too. Even if we're all bloaty and gross."

"Never gross," he mumbles.

Alexis walks back out, carrying the admittedly oversized cheesecake Kate put together, complete with raspberry drizzle and chocolate sauce.

"Oh, God. We're all going to die," Castle says, before sitting up and taking the largest slice.

Kate laughs.

(…)

She's not going to cry. She's going to push herself to sit up, then stand up, then walk into the bathroom like the adult she is, then curl up next to the toilet, and sob.

"Kate?"

She groans. Damn. She thought he'd sleep through. It's then she realizes that she's rocking in place, curled up in the fetal position. It just sucks sucks sucks to be a girl.

She feels his hand tentatively brush over her shoulder. "Dream or cramp?" he asks softly.

She works her mouth open but clamps it shut at the wave of nausea that rises. She raises her hand, sticking out two fingers.

"Okay," he murmurs.

She feels him rise from the bed and presses her cheek back into the pillow. Castle will fix it, she tells herself, ignoring the fact that he can't fix it, of course. But he can. He can fix anything. Right now, she's willing to believe that those powers encompass killer cramps and nausea and a general feeling of horribleness.

"Here."

She blinks her eyes open and finds him crouched at her bedside with a glass of water and a pill. She swallows hard. She's not going to be sick, she doesn't think. She can do this.

She lets him help her sit up, and manages to choke down the pill before collapsing back down. Is this how Alexis felt yesterday? She needs to buy the kid a pony or something.

She loses track of him as the cramp tightens. Her whole abdomen is on fire, her back a mangled, twisted fist at the base of her spine. All of the scars feel tight, the fabric of his over-large tee shirt scratching against her skin.

Her cramps weren't this bad after the shooting. This is a newer, special kind of hell.

It will pass. She knows, on a base level, that it will pass.

"Fuck," she mumbles, tears pushing out of her eyes.

His arm slides around her, and his body fits against hers, a wall of warmth behind her. He slithers his hand down between her knees and stomach, magic fingers massaging gently, and she uncurls a little.

"Okay?" he whispers.

"Mm," she hums, clutching at his arm.

"I'd say give them to me, but I think I'd be screaming."

She huffs a little laugh at that. "Maybe."

He's so warm and solid and lovely behind her and around her. She relaxes a little more as the cramp begins to ease. It's probably the meds he gave her, but it feels like it's just him, and his body, and his _Castle_.

"Mother likes to say God should be a woman, but I could never get on board with it, you know?" he says, his voice low and soft. "What woman would devise this system?"

"Crazy one," Kate acknowledges. "Just like a guy though."

He grunts. "Not any kind of good guy," he says firmly. "No one man should wish this on a woman, much less the woman he loves."

"S'not so bad," she says, cuddling back against him as she finally lowers her legs. He splays his hand over her abdomen, pressing in, broad and warm.

"S'totally so bad," he argues. "Never want to see you in pain. And I can't even be mad at someone, because it's your uterus, and I love your uterus."

Kate laughs, sniffling. "Castle."

"What?" he mumbles. "I do!"

She smiles and strokes her fingers up and down his arm. "It does not love me right now."

"Is it always this bad?" he asks gently.

"No," she says quickly. "No. Just…first one in a while. And," she grimaces as her hip twinges, "the muscle stuff didn't do me any favors."

"I could kill him," Castle growls after a moment.

Kate shakes her head. "I did, Castle. He paid with his life."

"Not enough," he says, holding her tighter. "Bad enough with everything else he did, but this too? I could just—" he trails off, but the tension in his frame tells her enough.

"I'm okay," she promises, shifting slowly in his hold until she can flip to face him. That broad, strong palm immediately begins kneading into her sacrum and she melts against him. "Really," she adds, reaching up to rub his cheek. "I'm okay. This sucks, but it's not forever. And you're here. I'm good."

He bends and kisses her forehead. "I know," he says, meeting her eyes in the dim moonlight filtering in from the balcony. "Still hate him."

"Me too," she agrees.

He sighs and slides his leg between hers. It shifts the angle of her hips and she groans. He goes to pull away but she holds his body in place.

"Stretching," she says, pressing her pelvis into his. "Feels good."

"I think about it sometimes," Castle says after a quiet minute.

"What?"

"The basement."

She sighs and curls her hand into the tee shirt he wears. "Castle."

"What it must have been like, how you guys dealt. Alexis told me a little at first, and you both told me the basics, but just—three weeks, Kate. How did you deal? Did you," he kneads deeper into her back.

"No," she says, blowing the word out of her mouth.

They've never really discussed it, he's right. They've talked about the trauma, about the aftermath, the major points, but the day to day?

"No, neither of us got a period, thank God."

"Good," he whispers.

"The stomach cramps were almost worse though," she admits. "I don't know if you've ever been really hungry."

"Not like that," he says, his voice gruff.

"It was like this spreading, burning pain that flared out along your ribs, cut up and down your abdomen, squeezed at your back." He breathes out shakily along her forehead. "It was almost worse when it stopped, you know?"

"Stopped?"

"I ate less than Alexis," she explains. "Half a piece a day, usually. And after a while, it just…stopped hurting. Or I stopped noticing."

"You had other pain to deal with by then, I bet," he mumbles.

"Yeah," she agrees. It's funny, she doesn't really notice her hunger pains now either. She wonders idly if she ever has time to get them these days, with the way Castle keeps them plied with food and drink.

"What did you guys do all day?"

This one is easy. "We talked."

Castle huffs. "About?"

"Everything," she says, smiling. "You, boys, school, cases we'd both worked, her hopes for the future, my hopes for the future. You," she adds. "A lot of you."

"You mentioned," he says, nuzzling at her. "And you never ran out of things?"

"One of us would get antsy before the silence went too long," Kate recounts. "I—any time I wanted to just be quiet and suffer, I thought of you, and what you would do—how you would work to keep her going, keep her sane and hopeful, and I couldn't let myself not try."

"Kate."

"Thinking about you, and what you would do, what I wished you would do if you had been there—that's what helped me get us through."

His hand leaves her back then, snaking up to cup her cheek and draw her mouth to his. His kiss is insistent, desperate, and she lets him take it, channels all of her feeling and gratitude and love into the press of his lips against hers.

"I wanted to be there," he whispers as they break apart. "I wished every day it was me instead of Alexis. But I never wished it was me instead of you. And I'm sorry that it was you."

Kate shakes her head, raising her hand to tug on his ear. "Of course you wished yourself into Alexis' place. I wanted the same, Castle."

"But I—I just wanted to help," he tries to explain. "I wanted you out. And I wanted to find you. And I didn't—all I could think was that at least if it had been you and me I could have taken him down. But if you couldn't do it, I don't know why I thought I could have."

She stokes his cheek, trying to calm him down. "You wanted to help."

"It didn't do any good. It just made me angry that you were both taken and I wasn't, and he was punishing you to get to me."

"Castle," she insists, pulling up to be on his eye level. "It wasn't your fault. All this time—hey, babe," she prompts, waiting until he meets her eyes. "It wasn't your fault."

"I know," he mumbles slowly. "I just—I hate that it happened, and we left you to fight your way out. And you're still paying for that. I hate it."

She nods, pressing her forehead to his. "I hate it too—not because I think you and the guys didn't do everything you could, but because it always feels like you do."

"I'm trying," he whispers.

"You did everything you could. I—Castle, God, I replay those weeks over and over in my head, wondering what if. What if I had just taken the gamble, tried to disarm him the first day? What if I had gotten the knife away and kicked the gun out of his hand? What if I'd just been a bit braver, could we have gotten out faster—"

"Kate," he exclaims. "No."

She laughs. "See? We all have the what ifs."

"You gave him your body for her, Kate. I—you couldn't have—how can you even—"

"I know," she cuts in, giving him a sad smile. "Believe me, Burke and I have been over it. But I still think it, just like you do about finding us."

He sighs and pulls her close. She nestles her face in the crook of his neck, hitching her thigh over his. His arms tighten around her and she kisses his throat.

"You're safe now," he whispers.

She nods against him. "I know. You're here."

He clutches at her and she feels him swallow, his Adam's apple bobbing next to her nose. "I'm here."


	29. Chapter 29

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 29:**

"Rick."

He grunts, rolling over to escape her hand on his shoulder. He's _sleeping_.

"Rick, it's Meredith."

His eyes pop open. "Huh?"

"Your phone. Ringing. Ex-wife."

He fumbles as she shoves the phone into his hand. He blinks a few times and looks down at the screen where Meredith's name is flashing beneath the little digital numbers saying it's already ten.

"Hello?" he mumbles into the phone, pulling himself sluggishly upward to sit against the headboard.

"Richard. Finally. I've called twice already."

"Sorry," he says, yawning. "We're sleeping."

"It's past nine."

"It's summer," he argues, glancing down at Kate, who's curled in a ball, hand gripping his pillow, and eyes determinedly shut. He can tell she's not asleep though.

Meredith tuts at him across the line.

"Is there a reason you called?" he asks, wincing as Kate flicks his thigh. What? He's tired. Meredith sighs. "Sorry."

"I wanted to talk about Alexis."

"Oh," he says, straightening a little. "She's doing well." He sees Kate blink her eyes open at that.

"Is she?" Meredith asks, her voice a little weaker. "Good."

He tries to think back, tries to remember Alexis mentioning speaking to her mother. He can't remember anything.

"She is," he assures her. "Tired, and a little—well, she's not—she's fine. She's fine."

There's a long silence across the line. He looks down as the bed shifts. Kate snuggles up to him, rising up to rest against his abdomen, a hand rubbing soothingly along his side, arm across his stomach. He threads a hand into her hair and takes comfort in her presence.

He hasn't thought to ask Alexis about Meredith. He rarely mentioned her before the abduction, only when Alexis brought her up. Not avoidance just—the woman's never been an active part of their lives, not since she left.

He should have asked. He should have made Meredith stay longer, should have followed up with her to make sure she hadn't fallen off the face of the planet again.

"I," Meredith begins. He waits. "I wanted to know if she might like to come out here."

"What?" he says, wincing at the disbelief in his voice as Meredith makes a scoffing sound.

"I thought maybe she'd like to come out before she starts school, spend a bit of time, get some sun."

"Oh," he murmurs. "I…don't know. I'd have to ask."

"Could you?" Wow. She never asks. "We've emailed a bit, and she sent me photos of the graduation, but we haven't talked much, and I thought—" He hears her take a deep breath. "I wouldn't want to make her uncomfortable, making her say no."

Wow.

"So, I thought maybe if you pitched it to her, she'd be honest, and—I don't know how to do this, Richard."

He slumps a little. That makes two of them. "I'll ask, Mere. Can't promise it'll be the response you want."

"I know," she says quickly. "But I thought I'd offer."

"Well, thanks," he manages. "That's—sweet of you."

"And she's really better?"

Castle glances down at Kate, who's watching him with a sad look on her face. "She's getting there," he says honestly. "It's—you don't just wake up the next day and get better."

"I know," Meredith snaps. He waits and she groans. "I know. I understand that, I do. Maybe this will help."

"Maybe," he agrees. "I'll ask."

"Thank you. Give her a hug for me."

"Can do."

There's a pause, and then the line goes dead. He stares at the phone in his hand. Meredith wants to see Alexis, in Los Angeles. She wants his baby to fly on a plane, three thousand miles away.

"Castle?"

He looks down and finds Kate staring up at him. He sighs and slides down a bit, pushing his phone onto the headboard before pulling her against his chest.

"So Meredith wants her to go to California?" Kate asks, head pillowed over his heart.

"Yeah," he says, staring up at the ceiling. "I don't know what to do?"

"Do you think she'd want to go?"

He huffs. "Do you?"

Kate huffs back and rises up to meet his eyes. "Castle."

"I don't know," he admits. "I don't know when she's happy and healthy and thinking about it for spring break. It's never—it's never an easy thing, you know?"

Kate frowns and shifts over so she can rest her head on her hand, her other brushing hypnotically over his chest. "Do they not get along?"

"No," he says, reaching up to rub at his face. "No, they do, it's just—she's a lot. She's always going going, and Alexis gets tired of it sometimes. And, I guess, I don't know. They see each other maybe three, four times a year, you know? So when we go, Alexis is always a little stressed. It's like she puts on the 'best daughter' show."

He meets Kate's eyes and searches for the right words to explain it. Alexis loves Meredith, and vice versa. It's just not the same. It's not like watching Kate and Alexis lying on the couch together, doing nothing but lying there, content in the solidarity.

And now, when that's all his daughter wants to do—when just getting her to talk to him is rough, breaking through all the trauma—how can he possibly get her to go to California? She's so tired all the time. He just knows she won't have the energy for it.

"Do you know if they've talked at all?" Kate wonders, brushing the hair out of his eyes.

"I don't," he says, whacking his head back into the pillows once. "I haven't thought to ask. You?"

Kate shakes her head. "I know she called on graduation. But not since, I don't think? Not that she's mentioned, at least."

Castle hums and turns his face, smiling as she traces the shell of his ear. Their eyes meet and he takes a deep breath. "Morning."

She laughs and leans down to press a soft kiss to his lips. He hangs on, smiling into her kiss as she laughs, letting him pull her back down to the pillows. She lets him lose himself a little, escape his worry for just a minute in the press of her body.

"Morning," she whispers when they finally pull apart. "You okay?"

He shrugs. "I don't want to—I feel like she'll go if I ask, but I don't know if it's the right choice."

Kate nods, eyes contemplative. "Maybe it would help, getting out a little, seeing her mom." He smiles at that—at her optimism.

He's not sure at all that seeing Meredith will help at all. After all, even when she came after the abduction, the woman Alexis wanted was Kate, and now, it's still Kate she clings to when she cries. Meredith isn't a support system. Meredith isn't the maternal figure she's wanted.

Kate Beckett has all the bases covered in the support area. Stepmother, as he's heard them joke. She fits the role well—everything Alexis needs, without the pressure.

"Do you think she would have gone if we hadn't been abducted?" Kate wonders.

"Probably," he admits. "At least for a week. I know she'd wanted to go on a trip."

"With Meredith?"

He laughs. "God, no. But maybe that would have been one stop. She loves her, don't get me wrong."

"I know," Kate promises. "Complicated relationships."

He nods. "Yeah. My fault." She raises an eyebrow at that. "Well, I mean I could make more of an effort to get them together—get her out there more times each year."

"Or Meredith could come here," Kate says, giving him quite a look.

He deflates at that. Yeah, she could. But if he blames himself for it, somehow, it hurts less. That book tour, or his deadline, or his cases—it hurts less to think that the day-to-day is keeping his daughter from her mother, than the reality that her mother is keeping herself from their daughter.

"You're a great dad, Castle. That Meredith can't keep up isn't on you."

He nods slowly, chest cracking open at the simple faith in her words. "Yeah."

"Yeah," she agrees, smiling at him. "Ask her. The worst she'll say is no. And if she says yes, you can go with her, right? Get some father-daughter time in, and maybe make it more about that than mother-daughter time."

He blinks.

Oh, well, he hadn't considered that. Father-daughter time.

But what about Kate? Can Alexis be away from her for a week? They've been attached at the hip for months.

Kate kisses his chin and cuddles into him, settling back to sleep against his side, hand warm on his chest.

Can he be apart from Kate for a week?

(…)

"What are you watching, dear?"

Kate startles, dropping a soapy plate back into the sink with a splash. She whips around and finds Martha leaning against the counter, a knowing look in her eyes.

"Um, nothing," Kate stammers, reaching for a towel to sop up the mess of her shirt. "Just—nothing."

Martha raises an eyebrow and walks over to stand next to her. Kate deflates as together they look out at Alexis and Castle walking slowly around the yard, deep in conversation.

"Is that what's had him so wound up all day?"

Kate sighs and looks back at the matriarch. "Yes," she admits.

"Seems like she's taking it well, whatever it is," Martha offers as Alexis laughs at something Castle says.

"Meredith wants to see her," Kate says, finishing off the plate and placing it in the drying rack.

"Ah," Martha says, shaking her head. "She could come here."

"Yeah, she could."

They meet each other's eyes and Kate sees the same frustration reflected back at her. It's good that Castle's the bigger person, really. She wouldn't be so accommodating.

"Never liked that woman," Martha tells her, passing her the next dish without prompting. "Flighty and selfish—has been from the start. She's sweet when she wants to be, and I know she loves Alexis, but I—I've never forgiven her for breaking his heart, or Alexis' every year, every holiday, for years and years."

Kate swallows hard. She's never asked how it ended with Meredith. She assumes not well, but—well, she should ask Castle, shouldn't she? Shouldn't let his mother spill his marital secrets.

"Never liked Gina much either," Martha adds, smiling as Kate snaps her head to look at her. "Pushy. We never got along."

"Oh," Kate offers, lost for something else to say.

"Neither of them ever did the dishes by hand, I'll have you know," Martha says, winking at Kate.

She laughs. "I bet they had better skin."

Martha tuts at her. "Please, darling. There's no comparison."

Kate shakes her head and finishes drying the last dish, catching Castle and Alexis sitting down on the lawn chairs out of the corner of her eye.

"How about a glass of wine?" Martha suggests.

Kate smiles. "That sounds good."

She lets Martha grab the bottle and retrieves two glasses, following the woman into the den. Martha plops herself down on the couch and Kate follows suit, a little surprised by how relaxed she feels with Martha. She's never been on edge, but somehow, in the few weeks they've been here, she feels at home with the woman, less other with her.

"You seem better," Martha observes once they've poured the wine.

Kate tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and avoids her eyes. So, perhaps not that relaxed after all. "Thank you."

"Do you feel better, or are you better at hiding it?"

Kate laughs and looks over to meet her eyes. "I do feel better. A little stir-crazy sometimes, but better."

Martha smiles. "Mm. It comes in waves, the wanting for the city, doesn't it?"

Kate nods. "Yeah. But at the same time, I'm happy here. It's nice."

"It is. Richard seems well, if stressed."

"Well, Meredith," Kate says, laughing as Martha winces.

"I've held my tongue, but when she left after the two of you came back," Martha begins, frowning into her wine glass.

"Did Alexis ever say anything to you?"

"No," Martha says softly. "No. But you showed up a day later, and it hardly seemed to matter."

Kate swallows a large sip of wine, shrinking in her seat. She loves that Alexis loves her, loves that she seems to fill some gap for the girl. But she's not her mother. And she can't replace her mother, no matter how much she loves her.

No matter how much she's come to love Martha, how helpful and lovely she is, she'll never replace her mother.

It doesn't work that way. At least not now, with all of them so…grown.

"If they go, do you think you'll go with them?" Martha wonders.

Kate looks down into her wine. She'd like to go. She's certainly prefer to, given the choice. But should she? She told Castle they should have father-daughter time. It's hard, as they've seen, to do that with Kate there. And with Meredith—it doesn't seem like it would end well.

"No," she says quietly, bracing herself against it. She won't go with them. If they go, they need to go on their own, let that trip heal some of Castle's hurts along with Alexis'.

She'll…find something to do. Maybe see her apartment once or twice.

She frowns and she takes a sip. She doesn't really want to spend a week alone in that apartment. She should. It's a lovely apartment. She loves that apartment. At least, she thought she did.

"Darling?"

"Oh, sorry, Martha," Kate mumbles, looking back at her. "No. I think they'll go on their own, if they do."

Martha gives her a soft smile. "Well. You're welcome to stay out here with me, if you'd like."

Kate manages a smile. That might be worse, somehow. At least at the loft it's—well, if she went and stayed at the loft, alone.

She doesn't like that either.

"Or, perhaps you and I could go somewhere," Martha offers, a look of deviousness coming over her face. "I'm sure Richard would be happy to send us."

Kate laughs, startled. "I—"

"I'd thought of taking Alexis to Europe, meant to mention it ages ago. But then, well, I didn't think she'd want to be apart from you or Richard for that long."

Kate nods slowly. "I'm sure she'll want to go sometime."

Martha waves her off. "Of course, of course. But, maybe you'd like to go. I could take you to so many places in Paris. I happen to have a bit of a rolodex for the best restaurants, and their owners."

Kate can't help but laugh. "That sounds amazing."

"Think on it," Martha encourages. "If you're given the opportunity."

Kate smiles. "I will."

She's not sure she'd want to, but she'll consider it. Certainly seems better than moping around the city on her own.

She does need to shop though, and clean, and see her father.

Then again, Paris sounds rather wonderful.

"Think on it," Martha repeats, before diving into a story about her last date that honestly has Kate forgetting all about mothers and California and Europe. God, but who knew the woman could get up to so much trouble?

(…)

"Hey."

Kate turns from her stance staring out the window and finds Alexis peering into the bedroom. She smiles and beckons the girl in, walking over to plop on the bed. Alexis follows suit and they stare up at the ceiling together.

"Where's dad?" Alexis asks after a few minutes.

"On a call with Gina," Kate says, turning her head to catch Alexis' smirk. "He's got a chapter due in a few days, I think."

"Other writers just have due dates for the whole manuscript," Alexis says, rolling her eyes. "She only started the chapter thing after they broke up."

"Does it work?"

Alexis laughs. "Like a charm. But I know dad hates it."

Kate chuckles and looks back up at the ceiling, watching the play of shadows from the dying sunlight outside that floods the room. "Do you think he really hates it, or likes the dramatics of hating it?"

Alexis shifts, and Kate can feel her laughing. "You're right! Oh wow, I never thought of that."

Kate smiles and looks back at the teen to find her curled on her side, watching Kate. "You okay?" she asks.

"Yeah," Alexis says, blowing the word out on a breath. She hesitates for a moment. "Did dad tell you?"

Kate thinks about lying, about letting Alexis tell her on her own, but the kid looks so anxious already. "We were in bed when she called." Alexis scrunches up her face in horror. "Not like _that_!"

Alexis bursts out laughing. "Your face!"

"Your face," Kate retorts, crossing her arms over her chest before laughing herself.

After a minute, they both calm down.

"So…you know," Alexis offers.

"I do," Kate agrees. "What you thinkin'?"

Alexis sighs and bites her lip for a second before scooting closer to cuddle into Kate's side. Kate sighs and runs her fingers through the teen's hair.

"That bad?" she asks softly.

Alexis huffs. "I don't know," she admits. "And dad was great. He said he'd take me, and we'd go see movies, and go to the beach, and stay at our favorite hotel. It's in Santa Monica and looks out on the water, not too far from mom in the Palisades. It's really pretty."

"Sounds great," Kate tells her, dismayed by how conflicted Alexis sounds right now. She figured Alexis would already have decided before coming to see her, thought she was doing pretty well through dinner.

"It's—I like it there, you know? But I—" she breaks off and curls her hand into Kate's shirt. "I'm scared."

Kate blows out a breath and closes her eyes. "Your dad will be there the whole time," she says, trying to sound reassuring.

"I know," Alexis mumbles. "I'm not scared of getting hurt, I'm—what if I…freak out in front of mom, Kate? What if I scream, or yell, or—what if I'm not better, and I meltdown?"

Kate's eyes pop open and she shifts sitting up and pulling Alexis with her so she can meet her eyes, can take her hands and make sure she understands.

"Alexis, no matter what, no matter how hurt, or scared, or panicked you are, your mother is going to love you."

Alexis shakes her head. "But it's not the same," she insists. "She's—dad gets it. Dad's good about it. He doesn't make me talk when I don't want to, doesn't freak out, doesn't get scared of me. And you—she's not—she'll be scared. I don't want her to be scared of me."

"She won't be," Kate tries to promise.

"But she left," Alexis exclaims, gripping at Kate's hands as she stares down at the pillows. "I was screaming and dreaming and she left. And that wasn't the worst. What if I had—like with Lanie? She'd never look at me the same way again."

"Hey," Kate prompts, searching desperately for the right words. Alexis lifts her head and meets her eyes, nose growing red, eyes getting shiny. "Your mom loves you. And just like your dad, she will do whatever you need."

She doesn't know that's true, but it feels wrong to say anything less. She knows Meredith loves Alexis, could see it strong and solid and terrified on her face when she burst into their hospital room. She wasn't good at showing it, but she does.

"I don't want her last memory of me as a kid to be me having night terrors and panic attacks in the park," Alexis says, beseeching. "I—"

She gives up then and lurches forward, wrapping her arms around Kate's neck, face pressing into her shoulder.

"It's okay," Kate says inanely, wrapping her arms around the sobbing teen and rocking side to side as she cries. "It's okay to be scared."

"I shouldn't be scared to see my own mom," Alexis mumbles.

Kate sighs. No, she shouldn't be. But she understands. Hell, she spent nearly ten months too scared to show Castle the reality of her life because she was scared he'd see her broken, and wouldn't love her anymore.

Oh.

"Hey," Kate whispers. "Remember when I told you I had wanted to fix myself before I could be with your dad?"

Alexis nods, sniffling.

"You know what he said when I told him that?" Alexis shrugs. "He told me I didn't need to fix myself, that he loved me before the therapy, and he loved me after. He's seen me broken, and bleeding, and scared, Alexis, and he loves me anyway. And he's seen you scared, and screaming, and a little broken too, and he's still your dad, still loves you just the same."

Alexis hugs her tighter, a mumbled 'uh-huh' pressed into her throat.

"Your mom wouldn't ask to see you if she didn't want to, and she loves you. That's why she asked your dad to ask you, so you'd have a choice. She understands how hard this has been. Did dad tell you that?"

"Yeah," Alexis mumbles. "But I still—but what if I have a nightmare and you're not there?" The question is small and sad, and Kate feels her heart break a little.

She hums and pulls back, smiling at the teen's teary face. "That's what facetime is for, or a phone call, or skype. Just a click away, any time, day or night, okay?"

"Mom won't like it," Alexis whispers.

Kate shakes her head. "Your mom will deal, and you know your dad will happily gab my ear off if you just need to see me to fall asleep."

Alexis laughs a little at that. "Tell me it gets better?"

Kate smiles and reaches up to wipe the tears from her cheeks. "It gets better, I promise. You'll take this trip, and you'll see. You and your dad will have a great time."

Alexis considers her for a beat. "Do you think I should go?"

"Do you want to go?"

Alexis gives a half-hearted shrug. "I'd like to see my mom."

Kate smiles at that. Good. That's really good. "Then I think you should go. And if it's too much, you guys will come back. But I think it would be great for you to see her, really spend some time before you go to school."

Alexis nods slowly. "Because there's not always time, right?"

Kate sucks in a breath. That feels like a punch to the gut. "Oh, well. Yes, that's true. But I meant just because it would be nice, for you and for her. Don't be so serious all the time, kid."

Alexis laughs, then coughs a bit. "Sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Kate implores. "You're right, but sometimes it's nice to just be and not focus on the what ifs, right?"

Alexis takes a deep breath and swipes at her cheeks. "Right," she agrees. "Dad says we should go right after the fourth."

Kate smiles. She hadn't considered it, but it's nice to know they'll still have two weeks together before they head off.

God, when they get back, Alexis will shop for school, and move in, and Kate will go back to work.

Alexis shifts and Kate smiles as she pulls out her cell phone. She glances at Kate then plugs in the pin and searches to press her mother's name. Kate sits still for a moment until Alexis scoots into her and shifts around, so she's leaning against Kate's side, knees curled up, both of them leaning against the headboard.

"Hi mom," Alexis says, her voice soft.

Kate can't hear Meredith's reply but notes the way Alexis' body releases just a bit of tension.

"Yeah, yeah, he asked me," Alexis says, her free hand reaching out to curl against Kate's stomach. "I'd like to come see you."

There's a long pause, and Kate faintly hears a high pitched chattering. Alexis rolls her eyes and Kate forces herself to keep a straight face.

"After the Fourth," Alexis offers. "He will." The girl tenses a bit and curls closer to Kate. "No," she says softly. "Okay. I—I love you too mom. I'll let you know when we book the tickets. Send me your schedule." Alexis blows out a breath. "Bye."

Kate waits as Alexis ends the call and tosses the phone to the foot of the bed. She turns and wraps her arm across Kate's stomach, snuggling close. Kate kisses her forehead and glances toward the door, where she finds Castle standing watching them. She smiles and beckons him in. She wonders how long he's been standing there, what he's heard.

He hesitates for a moment before padding into the room. He sits down gingerly on the bed, smiles at his kid when she turns to look at him.

"So we're taking a trip?" he asks.

Alexis nods, not releasing Kate. "After the Fourth," she says firmly.

He smiles. "For sure."

He looks up and meets her eyes. "Thank you," he mouths.

She nods slowly, watching as he crawls up to them and curls his arm over Alexis' shoulders, fingers cupping Kate's neck. She's glad they'll get that week together, time to bond and maybe wean Alexis off needing physical assurances so much.

But then the teen shifts and curls closer, and Castle leans to kiss Kate's wrist, and suddenly she's already melancholy with the thought of missing them, of not having her own physical assurances.

Castle gropes behind them and comes back with the remote. She laughs softly as the television rises from the baseboard.

"What's your pleasure ladies?"

"Temptation Lane," Alexis mumbles, eyes still closed.

Castle looks over and meets Kate's eyes. "You got it."


	30. Chapter 30

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 30:**

"Really?"

"What?" she snaps, turning to look at him as he leans in the doorway to the closet.

"Nothing," he mumbles under the weight of her glare. "You look pretty."

She sighs and looks back at the mirror, considering the sundress she's wearing. It is pretty, light blue and flowy, tucked in at the waist and hanging gently down to her knees. It's just the glaring bullet scar between her breasts that shows over the bodice, and the line of slashes that shows across the top of her shoulder blades that gives her pause.

She rubs her fingertips over the bullet wound and bites at her lip.

Her father's going to be here, and Lanie, and the guys, and Jenny. Castle, Martha, and Alexis don't flinch at the sight of all the scars, but the others—she's seen how hard Esposito tries to hide it, how Ryan stares determinedly at her face.

"Kate, they're family," Castle says softly, stepping into the closet and up to her back. He leans and kisses her temple, wrapping her in his arms.

"Exactly," she mumbles, meeting his eyes in the mirror. "I could spare them the—" she peters off as he raises an eyebrow. "Fine."

He smiles and nuzzles at her cheek, making her laugh. "You're beautiful, and no one's going to be looking at your scars when your breasts look so good."

She scoffs and tries to turn in his arms but he tickles her instead, holding her captive as she squeals.

"Castle!" she finally manages to yell, pulling out of his arms and stumbling to slump against the wall. "You're the worst."

He grins. "I know. The absolute worst, right? Would it help if I brought you coffee?"

She glares for a moment, then lets it drop. She waves him off and follows, still catching her breath. Letting him find out just where she's ticklish was a terrible idea.

Absolutely terrible.

But damn, does the man make a good cup of coffee.

He smiles at her, cozying up to steal a sip as they stand by the doors to the balcony. It's a clear, beautiful day—a perfect Fourth of July.

"You okay?" he asks, stroking a hand down the smooth fabric of her dress.

"Yeah," she says, staring out at the water. "Just—yeah."

He steps into her, wrapping her up again, his lips peppering kisses to her shoulder, her throat, her jaw. "It'll be great. Lanie even says Javi and Kevin are talking again."

Kate grunts. "Good. Espo was being a jerk."

Castle nods against her head. "But they're okay now."

"Wonder if they're okay with me," she mumbles, leaning into him as his arms tighten.

"Kate."

"What? You were mad."

"Well yeah," he agrees gruffly. "But them? They—not like I was, not for the same reasons."

"Kevin was pissed, Castle. I—look, I did what I had to do, and I did it how I thought I should, and you know I'm sorry that I didn't include you. But I'm not sorry I didn't include them."

"Really?"

She sighs and turns in his arms, reaching out to plunk the coffee onto a side table so she can wrap her arms around his neck.

"I can't seem to get rid of you. Them? Them I can spare."

"Get rid of me?" he says, eyebrows raised, face turning sour.

She groans. "I—you won't let me protect you. You wouldn't let me do it again if I tried. They don't live with—they don't have your access."

He narrows his eyes. "You'd do it again?"

She blows out a breath, tries to find the right words—the way to say it that explains why she'd risk it. It's not about abandoning him, or keeping him out. It's about protecting him.

"If I could spare you the danger? If I didn't need you as back up? If you weren't in so deep, if you didn't know all the secrets? Yeah, I think I'd try to shield you from it. You did."

"Kate, I can't argue about that ag—"

"No," she insists, searching his eyes, trying to make him see. "No, not blaming you. I—you were protecting me. You thought it was the best thing to do, right? The only way to keep me safe, putting yourself in harm's way."

"Yeah," he agrees slowly.

"That's what I did too—tried to keep you safe. And we were both pissed, but neither of us is dead. So yeah, if—if there was a way, I'd try and keep you out of it, but at this point I can't. You're just in too deep."

He smiles at that and she wants to slap him. "I know."

"It's not a good thing, Rick."

"I disagree. This way you're not alone."

"This way we'll both get hurt," she argues.

He sighs. "I thought we weren't doing this again."

"No," she agrees. "No, I'm just saying that the guys? We can keep them safe for as long as we can, you know? So even if they're mad that I went rogue, I'm not sorry. Their jobs are safer without them being on the front lines with us."

Castle considers her for a long moment and she lets him, lets him take what he can from her look and her posture, her security in it. "Okay."

"Okay. So that's it, anything we find out we keep to ourselves until it's necessary to let them in."

Castle nods slowly, then glances out at the beach. "Okay," he repeats, drawing her in for a deep kiss. "Now, let's go downstairs and take over cooking from my mother, because it'll be a disaster if we don't."

Kate laughs and pulls away, taking his hand and leading them out of the room, leaving it behind. There's no reason to dwell on what they will and won't tell the boys, as there's currently nothing to tell.

"She's not that bad," Kate says.

Castle scoffs. "Liar."

"She tries," Kate reneges and Castle laughs. "She does!"

"Doesn't mean she succeeds," Castle argues as they trod down the stairs. "Chipped a tooth once."

"He did not," Martha calls out and Kate whacks Castle's shoulder.

"Castle," she hisses.

He just laughs and tugs her into the kitchen where Martha and Alexis are already making potato salad and charcuterie. Kate suddenly feels like a schmuck, worrying about her wardrobe while the ladies were preparing food for her friends.

"Don't worry, darling. He nearly killed me once. We're even."

"You what?" Kate and Alexis exclaim in tandem.

Castle goes beet red. "I—I served her bad shrimp as a kid, and she got really sick. But it was an accident!"

Alexis stares at him aghast as Martha chuckles. "He was very sweet. Called 911 and everything. I was fine."

Castle shuffles over to the counter and takes up a knife, cutting up an onion, shoulders a bit hunched. Kate follows, watching as Martha frowns and engages Alexis quickly in a conversation over the merits of too much garlic.

"Hey," Kate whispers, running her hand down Castle's back. "How old were you?"

He relaxes under her touch. "I was ten."

"Oh, babe. You were a little kid. She's fine."

"Still gives me nightmares sometimes," he mumbles.

She frowns and kisses his shoulder, glancing at Martha. The woman winces and mouths 'sorry' at her. Kate sighs and leans in to take the knife from Castle.

"She's fine," she says softly, bumping him with her hip. She gets a little smile for that. "I crashed into my mom on an ice rink once and she ended up in the ER with ten stitches in her arm."

"Ouch," he says, blushing a little. "How old were you?"

"Six. I cried for _days_."

He chuckles and looks back at Alexis. "Well, she's yet to maim me."

"You don't need any help with that," Alexis offers, nose in the air. "Tigers, freezers, cruisers in the river."

"What?" Martha exclaims and Alexis gapes at them, meeting Kate's eyes in horror.

"Um," Castle says, looking sheepishly at his mother. "We, ah, took a dip in the Hudson earlier this year?"

"Katherine?" Martha says sternly. "Is this true?"

Kate shrinks under her glare. "Yes," Kate says meekly. "But it wasn't my fault! Sophia was after us."

"Soph—you know, I don't want to know," Martha says, holding up her hands and marching around to settle the tablecloth on the table. "I really don't."

"Sorry," Alexis says, looking at them both as the three of them stand there in the kitchen, thoroughly chastised. "I forgot she didn't know."

Castle bobs his head. "I forgot you knew."

"My fault," Kate says, glancing at Martha. "We ran out of things to talk about in the—" she cuts herself off as Martha's shoulders raise.

Before any of them can come up with something…cheery, the doorbell rings.

"I'll get it," they all say. There's a beat, and Alexis darts out of the room.

"Damn," Castle grunts, looking over at his mother. "You go," he tells Kate.

"Sorry," Kate whispers, leaning up to kiss his cheek before jogging out of the room. Hopefully, he can smooth that one over.

Maybe Martha could do with a session with Burke sometime.

Before she can consider that too deeply, she comes face to face with four of her friends, her father strangely bringing up the rear. Lanie is squeezing the life out of Alexis, who's suffering through with a smile. Esposito is lugging his and Lanie's and…her dad's suitcases up the steps. Jenny has a cute overnight bag, and Ryan's glaring at the back of Espo's head.

"Hey," Kate says, breaking his stare.

"Beckett," Ryan announces, dropping his bag to give her a hug. "Good to see you."

"You too, Ryan," she says, a little surprised as he releases her.

"Some house," Espo offers, taking his hug next.

She didn't expect hugs. She didn't—why is this so weird?

"Hi Katiebug," Jim says, coming in for his own hug, a tight, sure thing.

"Hi Dad," she says softly. "Didn't expect you 'till tonight."

"Javier called and offered me a ride, so I thought, what the heck? You know how much I hate driving."

Ah. That makes a bit more sense then.

"I'm glad. Did you say thank you?"

Jim laughs loudly and pulls back, giving her a grin. "You look good," he says by way of response. "Tan."

"I'm trying," she admits, ducking her head. She notices Lanie releasing Alexis out of the corner of her eye, the teen a bit flushed.

"This house is beautiful," Jenny says, stepping up at her father goes to greet Alexis.

"Isn't it?" Kate manages.

"You downplayed it," Lanie says, wrapping her arm around Kate's side. "How was your drive?" she asks Jenny.

"Quiet," Jenny admits, and they all look over to find Esposito and Ryan considering each other.

"I thought you said they were getting along," Kate whispers to Lanie.

Ryan holds out his hand. Esposito stands for a moment, then takes it, pulling him into a hug.

"They are, see?" Lanie says, blowing out a breath.

Kate can see the tension in both of their frames despite the hug. But before she can say anything, Castle comes lumbering down the hall and the guys spring apart, all of them suddenly caught in the process of getting bags inside and upstairs.

Kate follows at the back of the little group, arm linked through Lanie's as Castle tours everyone around the second floor. Jenny and Ryan get the room across from Alexis, her father across from Martha, Espo and Lanie next to hers and Castle's room.

"Don't be too loud," Lanie whispers as Esposito disappears into their room with their bags.

"Lanie," Kate groans. "And likewise."

Lanie laughs.

"Yo, Lanie, get in here. We've got a Jacuzzi."

"We what?" Lanie squeals, releasing Kate to dash into the room.

Castle laughs and walks over to Kate, wrapping an arm around her waist. "You okay? You look a little overwhelmed," he whispers, kissing her cheek.

"Yeah," she admits. "Dunno why. You?"

"Fine," he says, giving her the strength of his body as she sags into him.

"Martha?"

"Fine," he repeats. "Just—surprised her, is all."

"Should we just have a 'we almost died' night? Around the campfire or something, like ghost stories?"

Castle laughs, the sound bouncing around the hallway. "I love you so much," he mumbles, swooping in for a quick kiss.

"You do that in front of your daughter?" Espo asks, and they spring apart.

"Oh, bite me," Kate grouses, earning a grin from the man. "Shut up."

He holds up his hands. "I'm just watching out for Little Castle's psyche."

"Oh please, I ruined that years ago," Castle puts in, gesturing for them to follow him back down the hallway. Kate can hear Alexis, Martha, and her father already downstairs.

"Little Castle's made of stronger stuff than that," Lanie says as they clear the stairs and head down the hall into the kitchen. "Remember?"

Kate looks over her shoulder and watches Esposito blush scarlet. Ha.

"Do I want to know?" Castle whispers.

"No," Kate whispers back, winking at him. He shudders and Kate smiles, releasing him to help Alexis carry food to the table.

Her father disappears onto the deck with a plate of burgers and Kate smiles as she spots Ryan slipping out onto the porch behind him. She didn't even see him come down.

"Four feels like too many," Espo says, watching as Castle follows Ryan outside.

"Oh, come on. There's never too many men to tell each other they're grilling wrong," Lanie huffs, pushing on his back.

Espo glares at her but traipses outside all the same, passing Jenny as she comes down the hall.

"Grill?" Jenny asks, looking out the door to the deck before walking into the little dining room to take a carrot.

"Where else?" Martha asks.

"My dad's not going to be any help. Mom used to grill," Kate muses, taking a carrot stick from Alexis, already pre-dipped. She flashes the girl a smile and Alexis laughs.

"You couldn't get my mom near a grill for a grand."

"I nearly set this place on fire the last time I tried."

"Javi likes it too much."

Kate laughs as Jenny blushes. "You better than Ryan?"

"Oh yeah. But I would never do it in front of his friends," Jenny says with a grin.

"Are all men's egos that fragile?" Alexis wonders.

"Yes," all four of them say immediately.

Alexis laughs. She glances outside, then back to them. "We're perpetuating stereotypes here."

"Eh," Lanie says, munching on a chip. "We get snacks. They get sweaty. It's the better deal. Now, I want dish. What are they actually like?"

"Who? Dad and Kate?"

Jenny nods, leaning in, and Kate rolls her eyes. "Martha?"

"Oh, no, I'm interested," she says, pointing to Alexis, who smirks at Kate.

"Fine," Kate says, plopping down in one of the chairs, amused when everyone immediately follows suit, leaning in to hear Alexis' take on their oh-so-fascinating…okay, she's intrigued to know too. She's never asked after all, not like this.

"They're happy," Alexis offers, laughing as Lanie tsks and Jenny slumps in her seat. "Right?" She adds, glancing at Kate, the two of them side by side.

"Right," Kate agrees, reaching down to squeeze her hand.

Alexis smiles. "They're happy. And disgusting."

"Hey!" Kate drops her hand and bumps her with her shoulder. "We are not."

"You're very love happy, darling," Martha puts in.

"I—we're…cute."

Lanie snorts and Jenny beams at her. "You are that," Martha agrees.

"And scarring me daily," Alexis mumbles.

Kate gapes at her. "We're showing you true love." There's silence for a beat before they all burst out laughing. "Sorry," Kate manages. "That was horrible."

"Oh, Kate, show me true love," Lanie begs. "What does it look like?"

"Is it solving murders? Because Kevin and Javi might be in true love," Jenny says, giggling into her hands.

"Or is it finishing each other's sentences?" Lanie says, winking at Jenny.

"Must be tickle fights," Martha says.

"Tickle fights?" Lanie squeaks.

"Oh my God," Kate groans, covering her flaming cheeks. "Okay, I've—I'm—" she points to the deck and scurries up and out of the room, leaving them all cackling behind her.

She takes a few deep breaths and steps outside, letting the breeze cool down her flushed skin. 'True love.' God, he's turned her into a complete sap.

She shakes her head and starts to make her way around the wrap-around porch.

"I am so not answering that," she hears Castle say.

"Thank you," her father replies.

Kate pauses at the corner of the house as Esposito laughs.

"What? I didn't mean like that. Just—I don't know. I can't imagine Beckett snuggles. Sorry, Mr. Beckett."

Her father laughs. "Oh, she did as a little girl. Curled up in Johanna's lap all the time. I…don't know if she still does."

She can hear Ryan laughing and rolls her eyes, leaning back against the wall. She kind of wants to see how Castle digs his way out of this, actually.

"She does," she hears her boyfriend admit.

"And are you a cuddler?" Ryan asks.

"Of course he is," Esposito replies, a little bite there, but just a little.

"What, and you're not?" Castle fires back.

"I—sometimes," Esposito mumbles.

"Is Lanie?" her father asks. God, her father is asking this stuff? They _talk_ about this stuff? "Because, son, if she is, and you're not, you better become one. Builds all sorts of trust."

"See," Castle says triumphantly.

"Like you wouldn't have held her for days if she let you," Esposito says quickly.

"Hey, scoff all you want, but I got my dream girl. I'll cuddle her all I like."

Kate feels herself blushing and smothers a laugh into her hands. Oh, wow. Well.

"But really, how is she?" she hears Ryan ask.

She slumps a little. She _told_ him they would be worried.

"She's doing really well," Castle says softly. "They both are. It's—it's hard, you know? For all of us, I think. But this has been good, being out here."

"Has she been sleeping?" her father asks.

"Yeah," Castle tells him. "She has. We both have."

"Together," she hears Esposito say, hears Ryan laugh.

"Dude," Castle says.

"Sorry, Mr. Beckett," Esposito mumbles.

Jim laughs. "Oh please. If you'd known Katie as a teenager—believe me, Rick here is a dream."

Kate lets her head fall back to rest against the wall and closes her eyes. Wow. Just—not what she expected of today at all, and it's only noon.

(…)

"So."

She turns from watching Jenny and Ryan trounce Lanie and Castle at beach volleyball and finds Esposito seated next to her. He raises an eyebrow and she laughs, hearing Castle cursing in the background.

She really should have teamed with him. But she was getting pink and thirsty, and thought really, how good could Ryan and Jenny be?

Apparently quite.

"So," she says, watching as Esposito gets comfortable in the chair beside hers.

"How are you?" he asks, arms behind his head, deceptively relaxed.

"I'm good. You?"

He shrugs. "Manhattan's hot in the summer."

She smiles. "You fishin' for an invite to spend the rest of suspension here?"

He laughs and shakes his head. "Nah. I go back in a week anyway. Not all of us got grand mal."

"Right." God, she hopes Gates doesn't drag it out once she goes back. She likes to think the woman was making more of a statement, but she's not really sure. "You gonna play nice with Ryan?"

Esposito grunts. "I'm here, aren't I?"

"And glaring at him every chance you get. Seriously, Javi," she says, turning and removing her sunglasses. "He saved your life."

"He should have been with me," Esposito says gruffly.

"Like I should have?"

He snaps to look at her and she stands her ground. They need to get this out in the open.

"No," he says slowly. "Not what I meant."

"No? How's what I did, refusing to answer, any different?" Maybe if he's mad at both of them he'll be better to Ryan. She can take it.

"You were taking care of family," he says firmly. "He was playing by the rules."

"And you nearly got yourself killed," Kate argues. "You're lucky you're not dead."

Esposito huffs. "Someone had to try."

"It's not worth your life, Javi," Kate says softly. If it's no longer worth hers, it's certainly not worth his. Never has been, but maybe she didn't do a good job of showing him that.

"Had to do something," he mumbles.

"Why?" she wonders. She's never been able to connect those dots—how it went from 'we found him,' to 'I'm going after him alone.'

"Because as least this time I could."

He doesn't look at her, eyes tracking Ryan and Jenny's thorough beating of Castle and Lanie.

Kate blows out a breath and watches her father and Martha as they wander near the water's edge, talking quietly together. Alexis is refereeing the volleyball match, rooting against her father and loving every second of it.

"It wasn't your fault," she says, trying to instill the confidence she hopes she's given Castle.

"Three weeks," Esposito says, his voice tight. "And you're wearing a tee shirt on the beach. And Alexis—Lanie told me."

"She's doing better now," Kate says quickly.

He shifts in his chair, scratching at his arm. "We should have found you sooner. It shouldn't have been down to you to save yourselves."

"And you and Ryan shouldn't have been tortured last year," Kate tosses back. "You can't win every case." It's taken her a damn long time to learn that one herself.

"This one mattered more," he tells her, turning to meet her eyes. "We didn't find you, and it cost you, Beckett. I—I'm not okay with that."

Kate sighs. "I'm not either, but it wasn't a matter of fault. He was…good, Espo. He was really good at what he did. We're lucky he slipped up enough before cracking and killing one of us."

"You would have found you," he says, and she stiffens. He said the same months ago in her hospital room. All this time she's been worrying about herself and Alexis and Castle.

But there's Espo, and Martha, and Ryan, and Lanie, and her father—all of them are coming back from it too.

Kate takes a deep breath, and it comes stuttering out as Esposito rises abruptly and heads back for the house. Lanie glances over at them and ducks out of the game, jogging past Kate with a pasted-on smile as she hurries to catch up to Espo.

Kate slumps in her chair and watches as Jenny takes Alexis' place keeping score and Ryan and Castle square off. Alexis starts meandering back to her and Kate swipes at her cheeks, checking for moisture.

She's not crying. She's just hollow with collective grief.

"Hey," Alexis chirps, plopping down next to her and squishing around until Kate makes room for her on the lounger.

"You're pinking," Kate manages, her voice a thready thing.

"Oh," Alexis says, glancing at her arms and shoulders. "I'll sit out with you then."

Kate nods slowly and tries to let Alexis' presence calm her down. She hasn't worried about Javi in years, but today, right now—it's just unfair. The whole thing is unfair.

"You okay?" Alexis asks, nudging her thigh into Kate's.

Kate sighs and wraps her arm around the girl's shoulders. "Sometimes I think we had it easy."

Alexis is quiet for a minute, both of them watching the rest of their family and friends play on the beach. Kate smiles and relaxes as Alexis slumps against her, reaching up to squeeze her hand on her shoulder.

"Me too," Alexis whispers. "Dad seems better though."

Kate feels her chest expand a bit at that. "He does, doesn't he?"

Alexis nods, laughing when Castle manages to get a point on Ryan, obnoxious victory dance and all. Kate giggles and they watch together for a long while. Martha and Jim walk by and back up to the lawn to start getting ready for dinner.

"I'm really glad you were there with me," Alexis says softly, breaking Kate's reverie.

She turns and looks at the girl. "Me too, Alexis."

Alexis nods and curls closer. "I didn't think we'd get to see the Fourth."

Kate sighs and rubs her shoulder. "I know. But here we are."

Castle dives and lands in the sand, spluttering. "Here we are," Alexis repeats, smiling before closing her eyes. "Don't let me nap long."

Kate smiles. "Promise."

(…)

"Wow," she breathes out, grinning as Castle wraps his arm around her shoulders.

They're all sitting squished on the loungers, staring up at the most beautiful fireworks display she's ever seen. The starbursts of color expand out over the water, reflections glistening below as the booms echo across the beach.

"Wow," he murmurs as a crossette expands above. "They're really outdoing themselves this year."

"Reminds me of Jersey, doesn't it, Katie?" Jim asks, sitting on the lounger on her other side, Martha perched on the edge of the chair. Alexis smiles back at her, sitting on the end of their lounger, leaning against Castle's bent legs.

"Yeah," Kate agrees, glancing at him before looking around him at Javi and Lanie, both of them entranced. "They're spectacular."

"For sure," Castle says. "The definition of spectacle."

She shakes her head, feels him card his fingers through her hair. She kisses his chest and snuggles in, startling a little at a large explosion.

"Just fireworks," he says quietly.

She nods slowly. She's surprised. They could hear fireworks at her father's cabin last year and she was a wreck, a panting frightened thing. But she's done good work this year, wasn't worried for tonight, knowing she'd be surrounded by family and friends, isolated on the beach. She's even doing better than she expected, her heartbeat only slightly faster, body just a little twitchy.

She can enjoy them this year.

It makes her suddenly sad, to think maybe she could have enjoyed them last year, if she'd just trusted Castle a little more—believed him when he said he loved her—really believed that she was worth it.

She closes her eyes against it for a moment, breathing him in, the smell of the ocean and his deodorant. He kisses her head and she opens her eyes, watches the sparkle of the falling embers.

She's with him now. That's what matters.

Alexis laughs as the finale begins, her voice childish with delight.

Kate smiles and breathes deeply. She's with them, she's here, and it's over. She gets to be happy now, get to accept the comfort now. Last summer is over.

She looks around and finds her father smiling at her, Martha too. She rolls her eyes and watches them laugh, feels Castle huffing as well.

"Nosy," he whispers to her.

Kate laughs. "Yeah, well."

"Would you two be quiet?" Alexis demands, turning her head back to glare at them. "We're trying to watch fireworks."

"Because our whispering is so distracting," Castle tosses back, laughing when Alexis giggles.

"It's disturbing," she counters, going for serious.

Kate nudges at her with her foot and Alexis nudges back. "Your complaining is disturbing," Kate says.

Alexis rolls her eyes then turns back to the display, and all of them fall quiet to watch the ridiculously long finale. She clocks it at five minutes.

When the final burst has faded, she lets Alexis pull her up. The teen curls into her side as they all make the trek back up to the lawn and on into the house.

She can hear Ryan and Jenny giving each other a play-by-play of their favorite formations. She smiles, wondering just how much they tell each other at the end of each day. Does it go down to the foods they ate? The funny jokes Ryan told, or Castle's crazy theories? She hopes so.

Esposito and Lanie bid them all a soft goodnight, disappearing fast into the house, followed by Martha and Jim. Castle steps up and slips his hand into hers as she slumps a little, the five of them left standing on the porch.

She wants to help Esposito. Jenny gives her a kind smile and kisses Kevin's cheek, heading up herself.

"He's okay," Ryan says quietly, shuffling his feet as he looks at the three of them. "Just tired."

She wonders if the boys have sat and talked about it—wonders why Ryan seems to be doing better.

She wonders when exactly Lanie and Javi got back together—really got back together.

"Have a good night," Ryan says, smiling before following his wife inside.

She stands there between Castle and Alexis, feeling a little lost. Last summer is over, but this one is still going strong, and it's hard. In some ways, it feels harder. Last year, she only worried for herself. This year she doesn't have the luxury of that selfishness, and it sometimes hits suddenly, eating her whole.

"You guys want to watch a movie or something? It's still early," Castle offers softly.

"Sure," Alexis says, squeezing Kate's hand.

"Yeah," Kate agrees, following Castle as he leads them back toward the den.

They settle on the couch, Kate in the middle. Alexis snuggles into her and Castle wraps his arm around her shoulders. She forces herself to relax, then scoffs as Castle hits play and the opening credits for the final Harry Potter come up.

"Dad," Alexis whines.

"What? It's a good movie."

"But it's—it's like the end of childhood," Alexis says and Kate laughs.

"And it's the Fourth," Kate adds. "Not very American."

"It's an independence day. Wizarding Impendence day," he says indignantly. They both huff at him. "You want me to change it?" he asks, glancing down at her. They both hesitate and he laughs. "Thought so."

"Just fall asleep before it makes you cry," Kate suggests to Alexis, who smiles into her shoulder.

"Can't fall asleep before 'not my daughter, you bitch,'" Castle says, affronted. "That's like blasphemy."

"Mm," Kate agrees. "True."

"Who did you see this with?" he asks after a few minutes. "Alexis and I went to the midnight show. Mother even came."

Alexis stiffens before Kate does, thinking back to the premiere. Right.

"Oh," Castle mumbles, and she sees his hand clench on his thigh. "Sorry, wow, I—"

"I saw it with Lanie in the fall," Kate recounts. "It was still playing at the IMAX." She hadn't even remembered it had come out until she got back to the city. She wonders if Castle would have read them all out loud while she recovered if he'd been there—thinks idly that it would have been a lovely way to recover and ignore the pain.

"Lanie's a Harry Potter fan?" Castle asks, his voice forcefully light.

Kate shakes her head. "It was just…something to do. I asked to go, she said yes."

"Next premiere, come with us. I think Dad bought out the concession stand."

Kate smiles at that, glancing down at Alexis, who's curled up beside her, arms wrapped through hers.

"Which premiere?" Kate wonders.

Alexis shrugs. "Hunger Games? Twilight?"

"I will not go with you to the Twilight movie," Castle says sternly.

Alexis laughs. "Why not? It's got the big vampire battle."

"Because it's bad. Bad writing. Bad characters. Sparkly vampires—help me out here, Beckett."

Kate smiles and shrugs, laughing as Castle lets out a squeak of indignation. "They're fun," Kate argues. "And we can gorge on candy and laugh at the bad lines. And I bet the battle will be shot well."

"I can't believe you're betraying me with Twilight," he says, sounding personally wounded by the idea.

"Well, there isn't another Harry Potter," Kate says. "And Hunger Games is in the spring."

He's quiet for a few minutes. Kate feels Alexis relaxing against her side, starting to fade.

"Fine," he decides. "But not the midnight showing. I am not going to go to the precinct sleep deprived for Twilight."

"Okay," Kate agrees. Alexis mumbles beside her, unintelligible. "She's gonna miss Molly's speech," she notes to Castle.

He shifts, glancing around at Alexis. "There's time for at least a full series rewatch before she goes to school."

Kate nods slowly. It's little more than a month away, Alexis' move-in. And they'll be gone for a week in a few days. She curls into Castle, taking solace in the rise and fall of his chest, and the warm weight of Alexis plastered to her side.

They'll be gone for a week, but they're still here now.

"Happy Fourth," Castle whispers.

She reaches and takes his hand, twining their fingers together. "Happy Fourth."

And it is, even with the clutch of grief still over all of them. It's a much happier Fourth than she's had in a long time.


	31. Chapter 31

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 31:**

"And you're sure?"

Kate laughs, seated on the bed, watching as Rick disappears back into the closet for the eighth time. It took her maybe ten minutes to pack.

"I'm sure," she says, smiling as he reemerges, holding up two suit jackets—and really, when did he even pack those to bring them here? She points to the blue and he slumps in relief, folding it carefully into the suitcase.

"It's just—"

"Castle, I have to do laundry, and clean, and shop. I need half a new wardrobe to go back. Your mother will join me. Don't worry."

"I'm note…worried," he says, stopping in front of her, hands on his hips. "I'm just—"

"I know. But I'll be fine, you'll see."

"But I could send you to Bora Bora," he grumbles, shuffling back to the closet to hang up the black jacket.

"Take me for your birthday," she calls out, smiling as he laughs.

"I'm going to hold you to that," he announces, coming back out with a few pairs of pants.

"Good," she says, watching as he packs the pants, stares into the suitcase for a few seconds, then closes it decisively.

"Underwear," she says.

"Damnit."

She giggles and flops backward on the bed as he stomps back to the damn closet. Hopeless. He's hopeless.

She watches the shadows on the ceiling for a few minutes, startling when he flops back beside her. She blows out a breath and smiles at him as he snuggles up to her.

"I'm gonna miss you," he whispers.

She smiles and turns her cheek against his forearm. "I know. Miss you too, but you'll have fun."

"You could come," he says.

She shakes her head. "No. We've done this."

"I know," he says, pouting at her. "Doesn't mean you still can't."

"You'll have a good time with just Alexis. And Meredith will be nicer without me there, don't you think?"

"Don't know what you're talking about," he says, smiling at her. "You're a delight."

Kate laughs and lets him tug her to lie against his chest. "Glad you think so."

"Gonna call you every day."

"I'd expect nothing less," she says honestly, rubbing her leg against his.

"Gonna miss that too," he says, his voice lower.

She smiles and glances out the window. It's still bright. They have a little time, don't they? She slithers up his chest and presses a soft kiss to his lips, sinking against him as he responds. His hands roam her back and he growls against her mouth as she shifts, her thigh between his, pressing up.

He rolls them suddenly and she gasps, staring up at him as he looks down at her, chest heaving.

"No time," he breathes out, bending to sip another kiss from her mouth.

"But," she mumbles, smiling as he laughs, dropping his face into her neck.

"When we get back, we'll have date night," he promises, pressing kisses to every inch of her he can reach.

She doesn't even mind him there above her, feels like just for a fleeting moment she could let him undress her and press her into the mattress. She grips into his back to keep him from moving, panting as he continues dragging his lips across her skin.

But she hears Alexis and Martha getting ready downstairs, the drag of wheels across the floorboards.

She doesn't want to be a grown up right now. She wants to make out with her boyfriend for about a year before he goes away for a week. God, she's going to miss him.

"Castle," she whispers, gently bringing his head up to kiss him one more time. "We need to go to get you to JFK."

He nods slowly, eyes a little hazy. "Okay," he says softly.

He stumbles his way up and holds out his hands. She takes them, watching how they dwarf her palms, and lets him tug her up. She stumbles at the sudden head-rush, woozy.

"Wow," she mumbles, falling into him. He catches her, always does.

"You okay?"

She breathes against his shoulder. "You're a good kisser," she says into his tee shirt.

He laughs and holds her for a moment before pulling back to look her over. "Sure?"

It passes quickly, just a head rush. "I'm good," she promises. "Come on, let's get you to the airport."

He ducks his head and takes one more kiss. "Okay."

She smiles and watches as he grabs both of their suitcases, and her shoulder bag, and his. She could carry something. But the little boy grin he shoots over his shoulder stops her from offering. She'll be on her own for a week, carrying her own weight. She can let him heft it just this once.

They find Alexis and Martha sitting in the kitchen, having a last snack. Alexis passes her a slice of orange and leans into her, yawning.

"You can sleep all the way there," Kate tells her, smiling as Martha tuts over Castle, fixing a non-existent wrinkle in his shirt.

"Yeah," Alexis mumbles. "Don't like flying much."

Kate looks down at the teenager as she pulls back. "I'm sure your dad will hold your hand."

Alexis smiles. "He does, yeah. Used to drug me."

"He drugged you?"

Castle looks over and shrugs. "Just with cold medicine. Made her sleep when we went to Europe. Don't judge," he adds as she glares at him. That's just terrible. "Wait until you have a four-year-old on a nine hour flight during turbulence and see what you do."

She slumps a little at that. Right. Who's she to judge.

"I miss being able to do that now," Alexis says and Kate laughs.

"You could still take it," Castle offers. "Benadryl."

"But I didn't know then. Doing it now feels…weird."

"Hey, you wanna sleep? Pop a Benadryl. Being miserable is just not worth the pride," Castle tells her sternly. "I would do it."

"You can," Alexis says quickly.

He smiles. "Nope. Dad stays awake. Kid sleeps. Those are the rules."

Alexis huffs. "He's being ridiculous," she says, looking to Kate.

Kate laughs. "Nope. Dad stays awake."

Alexis sighs. "Fine."

"Hey, enjoy it. Someday you'll be sitting still for ten hours when your kid falls asleep on your lap."

"Did that to your mother, dear?" Martha asks.

Kate nods, wrapping an arm around Alexis as she curls into her side. "Trip to Greece. She was so nice about it."

"Of course she was. We're giant pillows," Martha agrees.

"And I am a great one. Sleep on me all the way there," Castle puts in, all of them looking at Alexis, who blushes and pulls away from Kate, mumbling about heading to the bathroom.

The three adults laugh and Martha smiles softly as Castle comes back around the counter to wrap his arms around Kate, like he can't get enough. She doesn't stop herself from leaning into him too. God, she's going to be a wreck.

"So. What are your plans after you drop us off?" Castle asks, looking between them.

"I thought we'd get dinner," Martha says easily, winking at Kate.

"What does that mean?"

"Oh, darling, what two women do in the city that never sleeps is hardly your concern."

With that, Martha saunters out of the room to do her 'last checks.'

"Please tell me my mother isn't going to take you to a strip club."

Kate laughs, arching up on her toes to kiss him. "No. A good Italian dinner, yes. Strip clubs I'll save for you."

He looks up toward the ceiling, thinking it over, and she laughs. "Okay, I guess. Male or female?"

"You'd let me take you to a male strip club?"

"I already have," he says indignantly.

"And you hated it."

"Well, they were hitting on you. But this time I could be all possessive and macho." She smothers a laugh in his neck and he grunts. "I could be."

"I'm sure you could. But maybe a female one then."

"That sounds…do we have to?"

She pulls back and smiles at the disinterest on his face. "I won't make you look at naked women if you don't want to."

He nods solemnly. "Thank you for respecting my boundaries."

"Of course."

He smiles then and wraps her up in a tight hug. "You're welcome to test them any time you want though. Like last night. Incredible."

She kisses his cheek and nods, savoring his arms around her.

She's going to miss him. Damn, what a week this is going to be.

(…)

"I wish we could still go to the gate," Martha says as they loiter near the entrance to security. "This is just so…depressing."

Kate nods over Alexis' head, the girl pressed tight against her, arms like a vice around her torso. Castle smiles at them then engages Martha in quiet conversation. Must be about her, because they keep looking her way.

"You'll have fun," she says softly against Alexis' head, rubbing her back.

"Yeah," Alexis mumbles, her voice tight.

"It'll be sunny and beautiful, and you can go to the beach."

"Just were at the beach," she says, shaking her head. "I don't—"

"If you want to come home, dad will bring you. But give it a try, okay? Have some fun. Be a little silly. Make your mom eat ice cream."

Alexis does laugh at that. "If she won't, will you have twice the ice cream when I get back?"

"Sure," Kate agrees. "I'll help you start that freshman fifteen. Just think, you can gain like 25 pounds."

Alexis softens her grip. "Yeah. Perks."

"Perks," Kate repeats. Alexis pulls back and Kate smiles at her. "This is a good thing."

Alexis shrugs, looking younger now than her eighteen years, more a scared little girl than an rising freshman at Columbia. Kate takes her hands, tries to instill some confidence.

"I'm really proud of you," she insists. Alexis slumps at that and she sighs. "I am. And I'll be proud if you come home early too." Alexis flicks her eyes up to meet Kate's. "You got this."

Alexis nods slowly. "Okay."

"Okay."

"You would have been really good on the first day of school," Alexis muses after a moment.

Kate laughs. "Your dad had that covered, so I hear. Hid in the bushes," she says, recalling a long-gone conversation with Montgomery about stalking your own children.

"He what?" Alexis squeaks. "You hid in the bushes?"

Castle gapes, caught mid-word with Martha. "I—what?"

"Went papa bear when she started pre-school," Kate supplies.

"Oh," he says, waving it off. "Course I did. What did you think, I'd just leave you there?"

Martha laughs and beckons Alexis over, pushing Castle toward Kate. Alexis goes reluctantly, but lets her grandmother smother her in a hug. Kate catches the smile on Alexis' face.

"You're a good dad," Kate says as he walks into her, wrapping her up.

"And you're a good step mom," he says before leaning in to give her a deep, heartfelt kiss. She lets herself lose sense in it, rather than dissect that one.

"Have fun with my mother. Sleep. Eat, please. I know you don't when I don't make you," he says as he pulls back, his hands smoothing down her back.

"I eat," she says weakly.

"Really eat."

"Yeah okay," she agrees. So she doesn't do the best job on her own. But she'll try this time. She really will. "Have fun. Be silly. Make her laugh a lot."

"I will," he promises. "Call you when we land."

"You better," she insists. "Love you," she adds, stretching to glance her mouth against his once more.

"I love you too," he says, soft and low He squeezes her tight then lets go, grabbing his and Alexis' carry-on bags.

Alexis comes back one last time and Kate opens her arms, wraps the teenager tight.

"Love you," Alexis mumbles against her collarbone.

"Love you too, kid."

They hold on for a long beat, until Castle gives her a small grimace. They're cutting it tights, she knows. They've been here in front of the metal detectors for at least half an hour.

"Have a good flight. I'll talk to you when you land," Kate tells Alexis, one last squeeze before she pulls back.

"Bye, Kate," Alexis says, kissing her cheek before turning quickly and marching past Castle, shoulders stiff.

Kate deflates and waves at Castle before he turns and hurries after his daughter. She holds herself stiffly too, shoulders high, back straight.

Why is it still this hard? It shouldn't be this hard. Hell, four months ago she was alone and just fine.

"Come along, dear. Let's get some dinner," Martha says, slipping her hand into the crook of Kate's elbow.

Kate blows out a long breath, watching as Castle and Alexis disappear through the security check. She's not alone. She has Martha.

"We'll have cocktails."

Kate laughs. She has Martha. She'll be fine.

(…)

She's quiet beside him, fidgeting with her headphones. She hasn't yet plugged them in. He thinks she's wearing one of Kate's sweaters, the sleeves a little too long, scoop neck a little wider. Her legs are curled up on the seat with her, and she looks small, young.

"Hey," he says softly, above the rumble of the wheels as they taxi out onto the runway, the safety video just finished.

"Hey," she says, looking over at him, tearing her gaze from the window. He gave her the window, of course.

"You good?"

She nods slowly, reaching out for his hand. He takes hers quickly, squeezing gently. "Yeah," she says, smiling, a brittle thing. "Just—" He nods, waits her out. "Just nervous."

"Of course you are," he says, smiling as she huffs. "Me too."

"Yeah?"

The look she gives him is so hopeful, so yearning and little. Maybe they can get this back on track, get back to where they were before.

"Yeah," he promises. "You'll hold tight when we take off?"

Alexis laughs. "Both hands. Promise."

They sit quietly for the long taxi, two delays, before the engine roars and they propel forward. Alexis grabs his hand with both of hers, and together they watch out the window as New York fades away—that breathtaking view of the skyline as they circle out over the ocean to head back over the continent.

"Looks small," Alexis says, her voice a little rough.

"It does," he agrees. "There's much more than New York out there."

Alexis glances back at him. "I know. I don't want to leave it though."

He smiles. "Why do you think I've lived there my whole life?"

She nods minutely and looks back out the window. "I've thought about it—what if I'd said yes to Stanford. I don't know how I'd do it."

"I'd come," falls out of his mouth before he can stop it. She whips around to stare at him. "For a little while," he amends.

"You couldn't just…come," she says slowly. "What about Kate?"

"We'd survive," he says quickly. "You, Alexis—I don't know if I haven't been showing it enough, if I haven't said enough, but you, honey, are my first priority, no matter what. Kate would have understood. Hell, Kate probably would have come for a while."

Alexis bites her lip and squeezes his hand. "Yeah?"

"Oh yeah. Any time you need me, Alexis, I am there. You know that, don't you?"

Alexis nods. "I do," she promises. "I know. But to—but I would have had to go alone. I'm glad I don't have to. But you couldn't have stayed forever. I just—sometimes I feel like a coward because I'm just so relieved I didn't decide to move across the country now. Up the Island feels like enough."

"Hey, leaving home at all is big and scary, whether it's ten minutes by train or six hours by plane."

"You rhymed," she says softly.

He laughs. "I did. But it's true. You're allowed to be just as nervous going to Columbia as going to Stanford. And really, your ex is at Stanford. Much better in New York with your dad."

She laughs at that, sniffling a little. "Yeah."

"And if you need me or Kate to come sleep on your dorm room floor, we will. I'll get an air mattress big enough for two."

"Ew, I don't want you sleeping together on my floor," she exclaims. A few people in first class turn their way and she winces.

He laughs loudly, just doesn't care. His kid is adorable. "I promise. Platonic sleeping."

"You've never been platonic," Alexis says, sardonic and smart and sassy.

He shrugs. "Well, yeah. But we can be platonic for you."

"I don't believe you," Alexis says, even as she twists to kiss his cheek and then look back out the window. "But if you want to buy an air mattress, you can. I mean, up to you."

He smiles and nods, making a mental note to get a good one.

(…)

She should have gone home. To her apartment.

The loft is quiet, even with Martha upstairs. She left more lights on than she needs, but without them, it's dark, and vast. She's already wandered through the kitchen, eaten a snack.

Hah. Take that, Castle. She'll eat, if just for something to do.

She sighs and flops into his desk chair. They've been gone for eight hours, and she's already bored, already antsy. They called, touched down nicely, and were headed out to dinner with Meredith. They're just fine, and she's totally losing it.

Well shit.

She leans back and stares up at the ceiling. This chair is pretty comfortable. Maybe she understands how he can fall asleep in it, laptop precarious on his thighs, feet on the desk. It's only happened a few times, but it's cute.

She huffs and sits up straight. She is not going to spend the night thinking about her boyfriend.

She should have gone back to her apartment.

Then again, wouldn't it be worse, her first night back there alone, and them all the way on the other side of the country?

She groans and stands up. Maybe a bath? Maybe a bath, in his enormous tub. That will…be lonely and still, but at least she'll be comfy and pampered.

She looks around, peruses the bookshelves for something to take with her. He did buy her a book rest after she lamented not having brought hers over. She could read. She smiles and turns toward the bedroom, knows he has a few of Crichton's she hasn't read recently on the bookshelf that faces the bed.

She scans the shelf and turns toward the wall, going through the C's. She smiles as she finds _Timeline_. She hasn't read it in ages, loved it so much when she first did. She reaches out for it and knocks a globe beside it.

The entire wall shifts and she jumps back, gaping as the whole bookshelf swings inward.

That bastard has a secret bookshelf room, and he never told her.

She creeps inside, half indignant, half delighted. Of course he has a secret lair. It's so like him.

She gropes along the wall and finds a light switch, laughing as low, comfortable lights shine from the walls in stylish, chrome sconces. It's just a big TV and a barcalounger.

He has a big TV and a couch literally in the next room.

There's a little fridge with what she assumes is beer in here. It looks like it hasn't been used in years. The TV is fairly up to date, but not as much as the smart board is. The lounger looks loved, a faded brown leather.

She shrugs and walks over to sink into it. It's like butter, soft and cherished, and she squishes around in it, tries to imagine Castle doing the same. There's a rack of DVDs by the TV. She squints and makes out the titles, a bunch of Tarantino and all of the Bond franchise.

It's a man cave.

She looks around, notes the fairly generic cityscapes on the walls.

It's a man cave that he sort of half-assed, other than the awesome door. There's a fine sheen of dust on the TV, on top of the fridge, a plain, no bells and whistles model.

She stands up and turns to face the wall—more pictures, all simple and normal. It's a small little man cave, and he never uses it, far as she can tell.

She faintly hears her cell ringing and shakes her head, leaving the room behind. She can't figure out how to get the door to close, though. She leaves it open and scoops her cell off of his desk, smiling at his picture on her screen.

"Hey," she greets.

"Hey," he says, his voice tired but cheery. "Just dropped Alexis off with Meredith and checked into my hotel."

"How was dinner?" she asks, wandering into the bedroom to flop back on the bed.

"Good. Meredith's favorite. It has surprisingly good burgers."

"Mm," Kate hums, suddenly very comfortable and very tired.

"You didn't have to wait up," he says softly, and she can hear the smile in his voice.

"I didn't. Just up. And by the way, secret lair?" She's too settled to make it into something outraged.

He laughs heartily and she smiles, reaching out to grab his pillow.

"How did you even find it?"

"Why didn't you ever mention it?" she counters, smirking up at the ceiling. She's not angry, not irritated. She just—oh, well, like him, she just wants the story.

"I had it built when I was…with Gina."

That brings her up short. "Oh. Really a man cave?"

"Yeah," he says with a huff, and she hears drawers opening.

Funny, she always thought he'd be the kind of guy to live out of the suitcase, not unpack. Then again, he does tour. It might make it easier, to feel at least a little at home.

"It's nice," she says, sad suddenly to think of him alone in LA.

Maybe she should have gone. Not very fair to make him be the lonely one, her with Martha, Alexis with Meredith.

"I didn't try too hard, but it helped."

"But you never use it."

"No," he says firmly. "God, I haven't even opened it in a year."

She laughs. "I could tell."

"Well," he says, his voice a little sheepish. "I don't need it, not with you and Alexis and mother. No one to hide from."

She smiles at that, heart full and aching for him—for a marriage past that necessitated personal space with doors and locks and loungers.

"We could use it together," pops out of her mouth before she can stop it.

"Yeah?"

She smiles then, warm in the idea, in how intrigued he sounds. "For that porn we haven't watched yet."

His laugh is deep and contented and she sinks against her pillow, phone cradled to her cheek, his pillow pulled to her chest. She's been walking around in sweats and one of his shirts. She feels loved.

"Deal. We'll make it a sex den. Kinky."

She laughs and snuggles in, squirreling under the blankets. "You want a swing or something?"

"A swing? Seriously? Wow, Beckett. That's actually kinky."

She giggles. "Well, yeah. Kind of the point?"

"I will totally go and pick out a sex swing with you, or…anything you want. Do you think they still have actual porn video stores?"

"Why?"

"It's not a smart TV. Can't stream to that."

"Or we could get a smart TV. Update your man cave."

"Sex cave. And sure, _we_ can get a smart TV."

She swallows, her cheeks flushing. Oh, yeah, she didn't mean to say it quite like that. "Yeah," she whispers.

"God, I love you."

She presses her face into his pillow. She feels loved, even with him all the way across the country and talking about sex dens and porn.

(…)

He shoots up in bed, muzzy and breathing hard. Something's wrong. Something's not right. He's—he's—in California. At the Fairmont Miramar. He's in California. Alexis is with Meredith. And he's awake in his big king bed.

Oh, the phone is ringing.

He swipes at it, closing clumsy fingers over the screen before sliding the lock and holding it up to his ear, blinking hard.

"Hello?"

"I can't close the door."

"Kate?" he wonders, confused. "What door?"

"The door," she repeats, and it takes him a second, but something's wrong. She's crying, heaving in air.

"Kate? What's wrong?"

"I can't close—can't close the door. Won't close."

"What door?" he asks, getting his wits back. "What won't close?"

"The door," she insists, and he feels his chest clench as she gasps out a sob. "The door won't close. Need to close it, Castle. How?"

"Which door?" he asks gently.

"Cave," is all she says.

It takes him a long moment. Oh. "The globe. Press the globe back into place, on the bookshelf." He waits then hears the faint mechanical whir, hears her sobbing. "Beckett," he prompts. "What happened?"

"Had to close the door," is all she says, and he listens hard, hears her padding back into the bedroom. She's gasping in air, like she can't breathe.

"Kate, talk to me. What's wrong?"

She doesn't reply right away, and it sets his teeth on edge. Why did they leave? Why didn't she come with them? Why is she crying? Slowly, her breathing evens out a bit, her sobs quieter. What the hell happened?

"Dream," she rasps. "Bad dream."

"Oh," he says, allowing himself to slowly lay back down. "I'm right here. Talk to me."

"Bad dream," she repeats, and he hears her trying to calm herself down, recognizes the forceful breathing as something Alexis did when they entered turbulence that afternoon.

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

She makes a soft sound and his heart breaks. She's crying, and he can't do anything but listen.

"Tyson was in there," she whispers.

He stiffens, his whole body going cold. He takes a deep breath and forces himself to calm down. He wasn't actually there, isn't actually there. It was in her dream. He's dead. He's dead and she's safe, so safe now.

"He's gone," he grits out.

"He wasn't," she says, her voice low and pained. "I—you were out. I don't even know why I was here, you know? It doesn't—why would you have left me here alone? Why would you have even let me in? Silly."

"Not silly," he counters. "Never silly, Kate."

She huffs, the sound loud and congested in his ear. "I found the room, like tonight. But he was there, inside. And he got the drop on me, tied me up, gagged me. There were chains. It wasn't—wasn't the man cave. It was everything, everything we talked about."

Oh, God, he might be sick.

"I said they were fake, a joke, but they were real. He chained me up, and I tried to scream, but I was gagged, and he—" she stops there, crying again.

"Can you Facetime me, sweetheart?" he pleads. Maybe if he can see her, his chest will stop feeling like it's split open. She dreamed that she was tortured in his secret lair. All those funny, stupid kinky things they joked about, used to—he swallows hard, forcing the rise of bile back down.

"No," she says softly. "No, I'm awake. I know. It just—I had to close it. I checked, and then I closed it."

"He's dead. No one will ever hurt you in that apartment, Kate. Never."

"I'know," she says, taking a deep breath. "I know. Sorry I woke you. Early there."

"Late there," he counters. "And always. Whenever you need me, always."

"I know," she says, voice calmer now. "What's your room like?"

He forces out a laugh for her, tries to be normal. "It's big. Big bed, ocean view. Big TV."

"So, normal for you," she quips with a snuffle.

"Lacks a beautiful detective, but yes."

"Charming," she mumbles, and he can tell she actually means it.

"Someday I'll take you here. It really is beautiful. And we can go the pier, and drive to Malibu. They have great whites up there, you know."

"You trying to get me eaten by a shark?" she asks, yawning a little.

He smiles. "No. But we could go see them. Could swim with dolphins. I bet you'd like doing Yoga in the canyons. Meredith does that—goes and does yoga with strangers sometimes."

"Not a big group person," Kate tells him. "I'd hike with you though."

He nods, hand curling out around the unused pillow. He sleeps like she's there with him, staying on his side, missing his cuddle buddy.

"Someday, we'll do a big trip," he insists. "I'll show you my places, you show me yours."

"Already did that," she says, easy as breathing.

He laughs, the sound bouncing loud around the room. "That too."

"Maybe no sex cave though," she adds, softer, and he lets his head fall back.

He hates this for her. He wasn't overly attached to the idea, but that this, too, has been tarnished by those three weeks—he hates hates hates Tyson for hurting her.

"We can seal it off, knock it down, make it a sewing room. Whatever you want, baby."

She snorts. "Baby?"

"I—hey, it's three in the morning, okay? And my girlfriend is sad and alone and in my bed, and I'm not there."

"I love you, Castle," she says by way of reply. He sinks into the mattress. "But don't call me baby." She sounds a little lighter, and he latches on.

"Fine," he says. "Snookums?"

"Ugh," she grunts.

"Snuggerdoodle?"

"What?"

"Honeypie, sweetielamb?"

"Did my call knock your head?"

He grins, can feel her loosening up over the phone now. "Darling girl."

"Your _mother_ calls me darling," she insists, and he thinks she's wrinkling her nose. "And so not a girl."

"Hotlips. Hotpants. Hotbuns?"

"Hotbuns? You're delirious."

He laughs. "Just love sick."

"If you're lovesick, we're going to have to have a conversation about anatomy."

"Mm. Much more your thing," he agrees.

She doesn't miss a beat. "No way. I still have cramps. No way. No how, mister."

"I didn't mean now," he says, smiling even still at the thought. "And I have a hot water bottle in the bathroom under the sink if you need it. Wish I was there to rub your tummy."

She laughs softly. "I probably just torqued myself with the dream."

"Oh, honey," he sighs. It's not so funny, to think she was twisted so tight she pulled a muscle.

"I'm okay," she promises. "Just fine. You take good care of me."

"I haven't done a thing," he protests. If he was there, he would take such good care. Cuddle her up, and make hot milk, and kiss her better.

"Do you need to Facetime?"

He smiles. He sort of does—wants so to see her face—but just the offer is enough. "You take good care of me too."

"Good," she whispers.

"Falling asleep?"

"Don't go," she says, small and sad, yet there and present and his.

"Never. You sleep, I'm right here if you need me."

"Okay. Love you, Rick."

He smiles, his hand a fist in that pillow. "Love you too."

He lies awake for a long time, listening to her breathing over the phone.


	32. Chapter 32

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 32:**

"Darling, you look like I'm asking you to sever a limb."

Kate laughs and shakes her head. "No, no. I just—never mind."

Martha narrows her eyes as they sit together at the table, paper long past read, coffee dregs cooling in their mugs.

"You said you needed new clothes."

Kate sighs. "I do. And we can shop. We're going. Lanie's almost here."

Martha gives her a long look. "And you are positively green."

She isn't feeling her best, it's true. She's a little shaky, a little light-headed, and sore. Sore all over. Maybe she overdid it on the crunches. Her back is all knots.

"I'm just not…looking forward to it. It's—the lights do nothing for, you know," she finishes with an awkward gesture to her chest.

She does need new clothes—needs half a new wardrobe for work. Everything's too loose, and at the rate she's gaining, it will definitely still be too loose come late August. She doesn't want to shop, despite the need. It wasn't fun with Alexis. It will most likely be less fun with two women hell-bent on making her feel confident.

At least Alexis she could focus on. This is a dedicated mission for Lanie and Martha—a mission to make Kate feel better. She's not so sure they can. But the look Martha's giving her—she's not so sure she can say no at this point either.

She'll have to suck it up.

"We'll have fun," Martha insists.

"I know," Kate promises. They totally won't, but why make the matriarch feel worse than she already does. It can't be fun, taking your son's adult girlfriend shopping for post-captivity clothing.

God, that's all kinds of fucked up.

She opens her mouth to say something reassuring, but her cell buzzes beside her. She looks down and sees Alexis' face.

"Hey," she greets, smiling as Martha starts gathering their dishes.

She's been babying Kate a bit, she can tell. She wonders idly if Castle asked her to, or if it's of her own volition. Breakfast the past two days, dinners, wine…

"Hey," Alexis chirps in her ear.

"How are you?" Kate asks, standing slowly. She has to grip the back of the chair for a moment, slightly dizzy.

Jeez, maybe Martha gave her something off last night. She's woozy.

"Good," Alexis says brightly. "We're at the beach."

Kate smiles at that, the image and Alexis' sunny demeanor. "Swimming?"

"Oh, mom doesn't swim," Alexis says. "But dad did. He's totally sacked out now. Mom's at the concessions stand asking for something gluten free."

"Any luck?"

"Hah. As if. But she promised me a Chipwich, so I'm good."

Kate laughs and slowly walks over to the couch. She's gotta snap out of this, whatever it is. Woozy and shopping won't mix well at all. She slides down onto the couch and groans in satisfaction.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, just achy," Kate admits. "Lanie's coming to go shopping with me and Martha."

"Yay?"

Kate laughs. "Your gram has the pom poms all packed."

Alexis giggles and Kate sinks into the couch. It's good she's so happy. Kate could so go for the beach right now.

"Take pictures for us."

"For you or your dad?" Kate asks, eyes closed.

"Ew, Kate, come on."

She laughs. "Kidding," Kate mumbles, smiling as Alexis whines at her. "You enjoying it?"

"California?"

"Yeah."

"I am," Alexis says softly. "Miss you, though."

Kate opens her eyes and looks over at the other side of the couch, empty. "Miss you too, kid. But glad you're having fun."

"Mom and I are going shopping tonight. Dad's going to meet up with a producer buddy. He keeps hinting at a second Nikki Heat movie."

"Are we even sure the first one is ever coming out?" Kate asks, trying to think back. Is it coming out on video? Is that what he said?

"Not sure," Alexis says. "But he's excited, either way."

"So excited he's passed out?"

Alexis laughs. "Yep. Oh, crap, he's totally pink."

Kate winces. "Better wake him if you don't want to hear him complain all week."

"At least I'm staying at mom's."

"Small blessings," Kate agrees, though it brings back that gnawing guilt at the thought of Castle all alone in a big hotel room.

"No," she hears.

"Dad," Alexis says. "Burning."

"Comfy," he protests.

"I'm giving you to him. Mom's got my Chipwich. Wake him would you? Love you."

Kate laughs as she hears the amplified sound of Castle breathing. "Babe, wake up," she calls.

"Hmpf?"

"Castle. You're getting a sunburn. Wake up and put on sunscreen."

"Kate?"

"Come on, Rick, up and at'em."

"You're—who—what?"

She hears Alexis laughing and some kind of mumble from Meredith. She wrinkles her nose slightly at the thought of the three of them sunning on the beach together. But then again, at least Meredith's there. And how nice for Alexis. It sounds like Castle and Meredith are getting along, at any rate.

"Castle," Kate prompts.

"Ow, hey. I can do it!"

She rolls her eyes. "You being a baby?"

"It hurts," he protests into the phone. "The nails, woman, jeez."

"Ice cream," she hears Alexis saying.

"You don't have talons. Give that to your mom. God, Meredith, really."

Kate laughs. "She poke you?"

"So not the same as your scratch marks," he says into the phone.

"Dad! Do it yourself then."

"Castle," Kate chides. "Let one of them do it. I don't want a lobster coming back."

He grumbles on the other end of the line, something akin of 'women, bossy, all of them.' Finally he lets out a long sigh and she fights back a smile.

"So, what are you doing today?" he asks.

"Shopping with Lanie and your mom."

"I—that visual," he says, and she laughs.

"Right? But maybe both sets of eyes will see the best stuff."

"You're totally not looking forward to this are you?" he asks and she reaches out to grab a pillow. He knows her so well.

"The beach sounds fun," she tells him.

"We can go back to the Hamptons," he says immediately.

She smiles, trying to quickly convince herself not to cave. Alexis needs a week or two in the city before college to get used to it again. So does she, for that matter. And at some point, she really needs to go home and sleep alone, without him, without his pillows and his bed and his shirt.

The thought makes her sad and she blows out a breath.

"Maybe some weekend, but it's okay. I got lots of sun."

"Can go to a different beach too. Jersey, or Florida. Oh, Harry Potter World, Kate. Alexis would die."

She hears an exclamation of assent from Alexis and laughs. Okay, that does sound like fun.

"Maybe over Christmas, Castle? It'll be packed now."

"Mm," he agrees. Oh, wow, did she just agree to a trip to Florida for the holidays, to Harry Potter World of all places? "I'll check tickets."

She did. She really did.

"I'd need the time off," she mumbles. Okay, that's not saying no.

Because it does sound fun. Traipsing around Harry Potter World, and Universal, and Disney, she assumes, sounds like marvelous fun with the two of them. The kind of fun she hasn't been letting herself have—they allow her some silliness.

"We'll work on Gates," he says dismissively.

She hopes someday they'll get to take their children to all of those parks too—get to do it when the kids are little and awed.

"Ooh, we could an after pic," he says excitedly. "You with Alice, pumpkin."

"Is there a picture?" Kate asks, already getting up. She must have been adorable.

"Um, bookshelf. One of the old ones. She was four, I think. Four?"

"Five," Alexis calls out. "But don't—"

"When did you go to Disney?" Kate hears Meredith ask as she stands up. She sways a little but pushes through to walk over and find the photo albums. Alexis' too-quiet response makes her frown and pulls her up short.

She wonders if Castle took her to cheer her up, after mom moved across the country.

They should definitely go back. Happy, whole.

There's a knock at the door and she hears Lanie and Martha exchanging pleasantries. She gives up the search. She'll get to see the new picture when they go over Christmas. Even if she has to work double shifts for weeks to make up for it, she'll see it.

"I gotta go, babe," she says, waving at Lanie. "Have a good dinner."

"Have a good shop. I'll try to catch you before you go to sleep. Love you."

"Love you too," she says, rolling her eyes as Lanie beams at her. "Tell Alexis for me."

"Will do. Bye, Beckett."

"Bye, Castle," she says softly, clicking off and pressing the phone to her cheek for a moment.

Both Martha and Lanie are grinning at her.

"Oh, shut up," she tells them, walking slowly over to them.

"Oh, dear, we're just enjoying seeing you so happy."

"Slap happy," Lanie agrees, coming in for a hug. "Told you he'd be good for you."

Kate snorts and pulls back. "Four years ago."

"So you're slow on the uptake. Not my problem. Okay, let's shop."

"Let's," Martha agrees, ushering Kate out the door before she even has a moment to argue.

Can't she just go back to lying on the couch and listening to Alexis and Castle bicker over the phone?

(…)

"With her legs?"

"Oh, definitely. And those knee-highs. Castle will fall right over."

Kate groans and sits down in the changing room, listening with half an ear to Lanie and Martha bringing her still more clothing. How interesting can it be to help someone shop? She keeps trying to get them to shop for themselves, but they refuse. It's all about _her_.

She's not doing so hot. All the lights, and the people, she's breathing fast. Her back is killing her, and her neck is sore, and it feels like her legs might give out if she tries to stand up. And they've brought more for her to try on.

There's a knock on the side of the stall and she huffs. "I fold," she pleads as Lanie pushes back the curtain. "Tap out. Uncle."

Lanie takes one look at her and passes the dress back to Martha.

"Honey," she says softly, walking and taking Kate's face between her palms. "Martha, she's pale, isn't she?"

Kate closes her eyes as Martha comes into the stall too—a tight fit for three.

"Very," Martha agrees. Kate lets her take her hand. "And clammy. Okay. Back to bed for you."

"For sure," Lanie says, and together they pull her to stand.

At least she just has to slip back into her tee shirt. She managed to get her jeans back on. Shit, her back hurts.

"Whoa," Lanie says, gripping her waist as Kate stumbles. "Kate, what's wrong?"

"Dunno. Feel weird," she admits. "Have for days."

"Days," Martha repeats. "Darling, why didn't you say?"

Kate shrugs, suddenly so tired, leaning into Lanie. "Thought I was just sore. I'm, ow," she says, reaching around to grip at her back. "Ow," she repeats as the pain flares. "Lanie," she says, staring to panic now. "Lanie, hurts."

"Okay," Lanie says steadily. "Where does it hurt?"

"Back. Back, here," Kate grits out, whimpering when Lanie touches her lower back. "Really hurts."

"Martha, can you go get a clerk?" Lanie says, her voice very calm. "I think we need to go to the hospital."

"Of course," Martha says softly, disappearing from view.

"Hospital?" Kate says, tears springing to her eyes. No. No no no. Not again. She's not doing this again. She's done. No more. They said no more hospitals. She promised.

"I think you may have appendicitis," Lanie tells her gently, guiding her to sit back down. "Or a cyst, maybe."

"Cyst?" Kate repeats.

"They hurt like a bitch. Have you had pain all week?"

Kate nods slowly, the seat below her helping just a bit. God, she's nauseous. "Achy, and stabbing, a little. Thought it was just…I don't know."

Lanie nods and crouches down in front of her as they hear a clamor of feet. One of the young twenty-somethings from the counter peers at them from the other side of the curtain.

"Ambulance is on its way," she says, looking mildly concerned.

Kate wonders idly how often this happens.

"Thank you," Lanie says, squeezing Kate's hands.

"I'll wait with them," Martha says, stepping in to briefly squeeze Kate's shoulders. "Make some calls."

"No," Kate exclaims. No. She promised, no hospitals. "Martha please, don't call him." They both look at her, surprise clear on their faces. "Not until we know. It could be something stupid, and he'll drag Alexis back—don't tell him, not yet."

She can see Martha doesn't agree, can feel Lanie protesting in the press of her hand to her knee, but she can't. She can't freak him out. Not now. Not again. Once they know, she'll call herself. She'll explain.

Alexis is having fun with her mom. Kate's not going to ruin that. She's the adult. She'll deal.

"All right, dear," Martha murmurs before walking back to wait at the doors to guide the paramedics back.

"Kate," Lanie says softly.

"I can't do it to him again, Lane," Kate says, trying to breathe steadily, in and out. "I can't. I can't do this again."

"We'll get you taken care of," Lanie promises. "You're gonna be fine."

"Make it stop," Kate whispers, the tears falling as she fails to get her breathing in check. She doesn't want to do this again. She's done done done with being in pain, and worrying her family and her friends. She's done with being this broken thing.

"We will," Lanie says surely. "I've got you, Beckett. We're gonna take care of you."

"Make it stop," she repeats, closing her eyes as the pain magnifies, her whole abdomen in terrible spasm. "Fuck, Lanie."

"We're gonna take care of you," Lanie repeats. "I promise."

(…)

"It did what?" Kate exclaims, laying there in her hospital bed, the pain duller now with the happy morphine.

"Flipped over," the doctor says patiently.

"They can do that?" she demands. "You—but what—how—Lanie?" she begs, so confused.

The doctor waves a hand and Lanie sits down on the edge of her bed. "You have a large cyst, and it's big enough that it overweighed the ovary, so yeah, it flipped over. Well, twisted is actually," she says, glancing at the doctor, who nods impatiently. "It's all twisted up. And they need to go in to untwist it, or it'll die."

"What?" Kate squeaks.

Shit, she needs to find some semblance of rationality. But her ovary _flipped over_ and cut off its own circulation, and it's _dying_, and the doctor is all fuzzy.

"Kate."

She looks back at Lanie.

"They need to do surgery now. They'll unflip it, and then you, and I, and your OBGYN are gonna have a long talk about you and the pill, okay?"

"No more IUD?"

Lanie squeezes her ankle. "One thing at a time. You need to sign this, and then we're gonna get you set for surgery, okay? It'll make the pain stop."

"Lanie," she protests. "Wait. I don't—what's going on?"

Lanie gives her a soft smile. "Your ovary flipped over, and you are pretty doped up. We're going to unflip it, salvage what we can, and go on from there, okay?"

That, she hears. "Salvage?"

"We need to get going," the doctor says brusquely.

"It's going to be okay," Lanie says firmly. "Sign, Kate."

Kate takes the clipboard she passes over. It's fuzzy. Man, they've—oh, she's probably on that pre-op cocktail already. Did she pass out? She doesn't remember.

She has to sign the papers. They're going to make the pain stop. She's okay with that. They'll make it stop.

She signs and hands it back to Lanie. She trusts Lanie. Lanie won't let anything happen. She feels someone squeeze her shoulder. Martha's there. They'll keep her safe. She can sleep. She can sleep now.

(…)

The first thing she notices is the light—that bright, white, sterile light.

She's in a hospital. She can smell it.

Why is she in a hospital?

She shifts and then lays still, that pain sharp in her abdomen. She knows—that's—she slams her eyes open. She knows that feeling. It's the pulling of surgical sutures. She's been operated on.

What?

She looks down, but she's wearing a gown and can't see anything but the stupid print and the scratchy blanket.

Okay. She can do this. She's in a hospital. Someone's been inside her abdomen. She's alive. What—shopping. She was shopping, and then…

"Kate?"

She whips her head around and finds Lanie standing at the edge of her curtain. She's in a ward then, not a room.

Right, Castle's not here.

Castle's not here. She said not to call him.

She—they put her under. Oh, God, he's going to be so mad.

"How you feelin'?" Lanie asks, walking slowly to lower herself to the end of the bed.

"What happened?" Kate asks, her throat scratchy.

It's only then that she notices the tears. Right, anesthesia. She always wakes up crying for some reason.

Lanie smiles sadly and squeezes her foot. Oh no.

"Do you remember signing your surgical release?"

Kate slowly shakes her head.

"You had ovarian torsion—your ovary flipped. They went in to untwist it."

"Oh," Kate says slowly.

"But, um," Lanie pauses, blowing out a breath.

"Lanie? What's—what's wrong?" She has this sinking feeling already at the look on her face. What could possibly have gone wrong if the damn thing was already flipped over?

"Well, you know how you're kind of Iron Woman?"

"Huh?"

"Your pain tolerance is unusually high, you know?" Kate nods hesitantly. "Well, your ovary had been twisted for a few days, no blood flow." Oh, but that—wait, no. No no no. "They had to remove it, honey."

"What?" she whispers, feeling frantically at her abdomen before pulling back with a hiss. "No, Lanie. Please. Why didn't you stop them?"

Lanie presses her lips together and ducks her head. "It was already dead, sweetie. They had to remove it so you didn't get septic. So it didn't spread. There wasn't a choice."

"But—but—what?" she says, just so confused. She's…missing an ovary? It happened so fast. She doesn't even remember. "But everything okay, right? The rest? They didn't—I still have a uterus, right?" she asks frantically.

"Yes," Lanie says quickly. "You still have your uterus, and your other ovary."

Kate nods slowly, pressing her hand to her chest. "Okay. Okay. I—Lanie," she beseeches. She doesn't know what she's asking for. They were shopping. How did she go from shopping to one ovary?

"I know," Lanie assures her. "But you're okay. Martha went down to greet your dad. She'll bring him up."

"My dad," Kate repeats. Oh. Wait. "Castle?"

"I wanted to ask you," Lanie says softly. "You've been here overnight. He called, but we let it go to voicemail. Probably thinks you slept in."

"Oh," Kate mumbles.

She's surprised by how hard the clench is in her chest at the idea. She wants him here. She just lost an ovary, and he has no idea. She really, really wants him here.

"I can call him," Lanie tells her.

She blows out a breath. "Is there more?"

"More?" Lanie asks slowly.

"About my—the surgery? Just the one. The other's okay?" Lanie hesitates and Kate feels her heart sink. "Lanie, please."

Lanie sighs. "It's fine, but it's—the fallopian tube is damaged."

"What?" Kate squeaks.

"When—the twisted one was on the right. The left—they think the—" she pauses and stands, moving up to sit by Kate's hip. She realizes she's weeping openly now. Not the anesthesia at all. Is she saying… "When he nearly tore that muscle, there was scarring around the tube, and it's blocked. So the ovary is pretty okay, but…"

"But I can't," Kate gets out, a hand coming up to her mouth. "But I can't have kids?"

Lanie reached out and pulls her into a hug as Kate feels herself break. She promised. She promised no more hospitals. She promised Alexis she would—

She can't have kids?

"Lanie?"

"No," Lanie whispers. "They don't think so. I'm getting you a second opinion. They're going over the scans now, but honey, it doesn't look good," she admits, pulling back and wiping at Kate's cheeks. "I'm sorry."

"I don't understand," Kate mumbles. "I don't. I—"

She shakes her head, unable to stop crying. She was supposed to have this beautiful life, full of kids, and theme parks, and Castle rubbing her belly, and now it's just all _gone_?

"It's going to be okay," Lanie says, nodding at her. "It is. I promise."

"No," Kate whispers. "No, it's not. It's—fuck, Lanie. It's all—"

"I know," she says. "Do you want to call Castle?"

Oh, God. How—how does she? How does she do this?

Does she want to call Castle?

Yes.

She wants him right this second. Wants him there to hold her, and kiss her forehead, and promise her it's all just a very bad dream. She wants to wake up at home with him, with him there telling her it's just a nightmare, and Tyson's not in the man cave, and it's a terrible, terrible joke.

"I can call," Lanie says softly.

"No," she gets out. "I—I can't do this. I can't do it over the phone. I can't. It's—the whole future is just—no."

Lanie purses her lips. "He would want to know," she tells her.

"I know," Kate says, her throat tight. God, he's going to be so mad. "I—I don't know. Tell him I fainted, or something. Or…dehydrated? Overnight stay, but not—not that I'm sterile, Lanie. I can't—"

"You're not sterile," Lanie corrects. "I—we don't know yet if the eggs are viable. If you could do IVF, or surrogacy."

Kate swallows hard. She can already tell Lanie's grasping at straws. If the tube was damaged, it's likely so was the whole area. And no one noticed, because everything was inflamed, and they didn't…check. She didn't think to ask. Why would she have done?

"Are you sure, honey? Castle will do this better than I will," Lanie says, squeezing her hand.

"I'm sure," she says, closing her eyes for a long beat before opening them and pasting on a smile. "I want them to have their trip. And then I'll tell him. I promise."

Lanie considers her, then slowly nods. "I'll call him, tell him you had your appendix taken out."

"Why?"

Lanie scoffs. "You're gonna be here for at least another day. Gotta give him something legitimate. And it's routine. Maybe he won't come crashing back here."

They stare at each other for a moment.

"I'll try," Lanie placates.

Kate gives her a tight smile. "Okay."

"He's gonna want to talk to you."

"Okay," Kate repeats, closing her eyes and laying back again. She can do that. She can talk to him.

God, she just wants to curl up and cry. So she does.

(…)

"Lanie?" Castle asks, pulling up short outside the little boutique and juggling his bags. He may have gone a bit overboard.

"Hey, Castle."

He steps into the shade and out of moving traffic, people passing with abandon. There are so many people out shopping on a Thursday, without a care in the world. How very sunny California.

"What's up?" he asks, trying to mask the confusion. It's not that he doesn't like hearing from her, it's just…unusual.

"Well—are you sitting?"

That's not a good sign. "Lanie," he prompts.

She sighs. "Beckett's in the hospital." Her voice is small, but it does the job. He wishes he was sitting down now. As it is, he slumps against the wall, bags falling out of his hands.

"What?"

"She's fine. Appendicitis. They got her into surgery, and she's fine now."

_What?_

"What hospital?" he asks, already thinking in his head of the flights he knows, how long it will take to go get Alexis from her spa day with Meredith. Fuck, they're across town for this, in Silverlake. She couldn't have found an all organic one on the West Side?

"Castle, stop."

"Lanie," he protests, stooping to pick his bags. "I've gotta get Alexis. We'll—I think there's a flight in three hours."

"Hey, cool your jets. She's fine."

"She's in the hospital," he argues. Without him.

"She really wants you to finish your trip," Lanie says softly, and he scoffs. "Castle, I'm serious."

"She's doped up. I—we should be there."

"Alexis doesn't need to see her like this," Lanie says firmly and he deflates.

Shit. She's right, Alexis doesn't need to see this. God damnit, she really doesn't. The last thing he wants to do is take the happy, if a bit jumpy kid he's got out here and bring her back to the city to see her…stepmother back in the hospital, with yet another cut on her stomach.

But—but—_Kate_.

"Here, I'm gonna give you to her, okay? Let her tell you she's fine. Head's up, she's a little weepy from the anesthesia."

"Oh," he mumbles, lowering himself onto the edge of a fountain with a statue of a metal dinosaur. He doesn't know what to do.

"Beckett, someone wants to talk to you," Lanie says, and he listens as the phone passes over, slumps at the sound of Kate's stuffy breathing.

"Hey," she mumbles.

"Kate," he breathes out. "Hey, honey. How are you?"

"I'm okay," she whispers. "Um, crying. But okay."

"I'm so sorry I'm not there," is what falls out of his mouth. And he is. It's like someone has stomped all over his heart. They're supposed to be done doing this for now.

"Not your fault," Kate asserts with an enormous sniffle. "How's Alexis?"

"At a spa on the other side of town."

"Good," she says. "Good."

"What happened?" he asks, trying to get it—understand the story for this terrible random thing.

"We were shopping, and I—I don't know. I was in so much pain, and then I was here and signing a surgical release, and now I'm awake," she says.

Sounds like she doesn't quite know either. He'll have to talk to Lanie again, or his mother, get the full story.

"But you're okay," he says, trying to get his heart to stop racing.

Appendicitis. It's pretty average. Sucks, definitely sucks, but it's not something horrible and traumatic, beyond—well, no, this is pretty traumatic, he's sure.

"I'm okay," she says softly. He can hear that she's still crying and wants to reach through the phone and hold her close, just make it stop.

"I'm buying you pretty things," he says inanely.

But it makes her laugh and he can't help but smile. "Really?"

"Lots. Tons. I may have to buy a second suitcase to get them home."

"Don't hurt yourself," she mumbles.

"I won't," he promises. "You try hard too, okay? Let mother take care of you. Jim can stay too. You shouldn't be up and getting things, and cooking and stuff, okay?"

"Don't worry," she says, and he hears her grunt. "I'm not gonna be up for a few days anyway. Be plenty pathetic when you get home."

He sighs, even the mention of home not able to lift his spirits about it. "Beckett, I'm so sorry."

"Stop," she says softly. "Stop. You couldn't—if you'd been here, it just would have been awful for you and for Alexis. I've got an army here. Have the rest of your trip. Hopefully I'll be up when you get home, okay?" He makes a small muted sound. That's not—"Okay?"

"Okay," he agrees softly.

He's never had to do this before, to choose between his kid and his…Kate. It hurts.

God, it really hurts.

"Let me know if Alexis wants to talk?"

He grunts. "You know when I tell her, she's going to insist we get back on the next plane."

"I know," Kate agrees. "So call me. Don't—you're only there for three more days anyway. I'll be sleeping a lot."

"She won't care." He doesn't. He'd love to be able to just lay there with her, get her food, keep her company, and he knows Alexis will feel the same.

"You could not tell her?"

"Oh, right. Because that will end well," he says, wincing at the sarcasm in his voice. She's _hurt_ for God's sake.

"I know," Kate says, defeat heavy in her voice. "I'm sorry."

"No no no, don't you dare apologize, Kate," he says quickly. "Not your fault at all. It's just shitty timing."

"Yeah," she agrees. "At least I still have a few weeks before I go back. Enough to heal, I think."

He sighs and scrubs his hand over his face. "Gates could give you more time."

"Injury leave, suspension, then injury leave? I'm gonna win detective of the year," she says, and he can almost see her frowning.

"Hey, you are," he says, trying to instill it in his voice. She's spectacular, and so very brave, and he just wishes he could be there now. "You're a great detective, and an amazing woman, and this sucks, Beckett, but it's not your fault."

"I know," she repeats, and there's an edge there he doesn't quite understand. "I know it's not. I'm—I miss you."

"I miss you too," he says, his throat tight. "If you change your mind, we'll be on the next plane, okay? We might be anyway once I tell Alexis. But I'll try."

"Try hard, okay?" she begs. "Have her call me, and I'll try too. It's not fair to her. I don't want to rob her of this."

"Not robbing anything," he asserts. "If she wants to go home to see you and snuggle up with you, that's her choice, and not your fault."

She's quiet for a long moment and he stares out at the street, the cars passing by—that guy on the corner asking for donations for the puppy shelter.

Maybe he should get her a puppy. Or a cat. Which he'll have to keep, because she'll never be home enough to take care of it.

After this, he might actually just wrap her up in bubble wrap.

"Castle?" He hums. "I love you."

"Love you too, Kate. Call me anytime, okay? Even if it's the middle of the night and you have a bad dream there. Or Facetime me when you go to sleep, we'll sleep together, okay?"

"Okay," she whispers. "Yeah, okay. Falling 'sleep now," she admits.

"You sleep, sweetheart. I'll talk to you soon."

"Kay," she breathes out, and he hears her breathing change, evening out. He sighs and just keeps listening to her sleeping, alone in her hospital bed. He's 3000 miles away, and it's not fair.

"Castle?"

He startles. "Hey, Lanie."

"I'm gonna stay with her. You call if you need anything, all right? Jim might call you, Martha too. They're on their way up."

"Okay," he mumbles. "Thank you."

Lanie scoffs. "You're not the only one who cares about her, you know."

"I know," he says quickly. "Still. I'm glad you're there."

"Me too," she admits. "Now go get a coffee or something and calm down. I'll keep you posted."

"Okay," he says softly. "Okay, bye, Lanie."

"Bye, Castle."

And the line cuts out.

What the hell is he supposed to tell his kid?


	33. Chapter 33

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 33:**

She never thought she'd be having this discussion.

"So, what are the chances, then?" she asks, defeat and anger heavy in her chest.

"About twenty percent, and that's—it would be a risk," Dr. Stevens says, giving her what Kate assumes is her most compassionate look.

Screw her compassion. She wants her ovary back. Ovaries, she should say.

"The strain it would put on your system, being off the birth control, and to your heart—I wouldn't recommend it," she says, and Kate swallows hard.

If it wasn't her, she wouldn't recommend it either. But it is her, and it's her eggs, and really, so what if the fertility treatments would thin her blood, and so what if going off the birth control she's just started now would put her at risk for this happening again? Isn't it worth it?

"Even if it all goes perfectly, the chances that you'll carry to term are slim."

Right. And there's that. They're not even sure her body would sustain a pregnancy. She could go through all of it, and end up violently miscarrying anyway.

It's not worth it. She knows it's not worth it.

But…

"And there's nothing else?"

Dr. Stevens shakes her head slowly. "You could use a surrogate, but Kate, I have to insist that you seriously consider your health before you even think about undergoing treatments. The birth control and your remaining ovary will keep you balanced, but if you take the treatments, and something goes wrong, you could be looking at losing that second ovary, and coming back from that will be a bigger change than I think you can imagine."

Bigger than finding out she can't have children? Bigger than being shot? Bigger than Tyson?

"If you have any more questions, please call," Dr. Stevens says, rising slowly and considering her. "We can talk more about the possibilities of fertility treatments when you're better recovered. Maybe bring your boyfriend."

Kate winces. "Yeah," she mumbles.

Bring Castle. She'll have to tell him first. And how does she even go about doing that? Sorry, but actually, I lost an ovary, and I can't have kids naturally, and the doctor says it would be dangerous for my health to try IVF or even surrogacy. So. Happy homecoming, you'll never be a father again.

"Kate?"

"I'm fine," Kate says, shaking her head and breathing forcefully through her nose. "Fine. Thank you, Dr. Stevens. I'll call you."

The doctor nods and smiles tightly before leaving the room. Kate slumps back against the pillows and swipes at her eyes. Crying. Again.

At least now she can sort of blame the hormones.

Birth control pill, from now until menopause she said, to prevent her from forming over-large cysts on her remaining ovary. Not like it would matter if she ovulated anyway. The poor egg would have nowhere to go.

She stares down at her hands, twisting her fingers together. This is her reality now. She has one ovary, and she probably can't ever have kids.

It would be a stupid, careless risk to undergo fertility treatments for a 20% chance of impregnation, when just the treatments could wreck her. Forget the miscarriage warning. It would be stupid.

And yet she desperately wants to do it—wants to say yes, do it now, freeze my eggs so we can have children.

But even the eggs might not be viable—no telling if there's been damage. They wouldn't know until they did it.

Castle would never be okay with her risking her health so completely for that tiny chance.

What was supposed to be this joyous thing in their future would probably ruin them instead. So it's not worth it.

But God, she wanted it. She had no idea how badly she wanted to carry his children until now, when she knows she never will.

There's a soft knock at the door and she sniffles, pasting on what she hopes is a smile.

"Katie?"

She slumps as her father peeks in. "Hi."

He smiles sadly at her and pads inside, coming to sit in the chair Lanie's been hoarding. She finally convinced her to go with Martha to get something to eat, and pack her an overnight bag.

She thinks they're probably snooping around her apartment right now. She didn't want anything from Castle's, not tonight. Doesn't want to smell him, doesn't want to sully anything that's there—in that happy place.

"How you doin'?" her dad asks, giving her this incredibly soft look.

Kate opens her mouth and sobs. Jim reaches out and curls his hand around hers as she covers her mouth with the other—the one attached to the IV.

"I'm sorry, Katie."

She nods, blinking hard. "Me too."

"What did the doctor say?"

She slowly shakes her head and her father squeezes her hand, doesn't need more than that to understand.

"It'll be okay," Jim tells her.

Kate laughs hollowly, the sound wet and loud around the room. "No, it won't."

He sighs and scoots closer to the bed, taking her hand in both of his. "Not that way, no. But it will be all right someday. You'll—it won't feel this way forever."

Kate nods slowly. It won't, she knows. But right now, it hurts. Not just the surgical site, which does hurt like a bitch, but her heart, her head, her spirit feels wounded.

"Are you sure you don't want to call Castle, ask him to come back?"

Kate looks over at her dad, sees that look on his face that Castle has been wearing around Alexis for months—anything anything to make his daughter better.

"I do," she says honestly. "God, I do. But I don't want—Alexis is his kid, you know? He might never have another now. She's—she has to be his first priority. And mine. He can comfort me in a few days."

"And when he yells at you first?" Jim asks, eyebrow raised.

"It's—would you have wanted mom to tell you something like this over the phone?"

Jim sobers fast. He stares hard at her, and Kate looks back. She honestly wants to know. Because she didn't really want to lie, but how do you tell your boyfriend of three months that you can never have children? Over the phone? It feels wrong.

"No," he admits slowly. "No. I—I would have felt so helpless. But—but yes? I don't know, Katie. He'll feel helpless either way."

"I know," Kate agrees. "But if he's here, at least he can hug me. And he's a crap liar. Keeping that from Alexis on a continental flight?"

Jim chuckles. "She's going to be mad too."

"I know," Kate repeats. "I can't fix everything, dad."

He smiles softly and kisses her hand. "I'll stop piling on the guilt you don't need."

"Yeah, at least I called you," Kate fires back, going for playful, because it's all she has.

Jim gives her a look. "Martha called me."

Kate huffs and he laughs.

(…)

Kate stares at the screen of her phone for a long moment as it rings. She doesn't know if she can do this. But it just keeps ringing, Alexis' smiling face shining up at her.

She swipes the screen and holds it up to her ear, bracing herself.

"We're coming home."

"Alexis, no," she says immediately, hears the kid scoff. "I'm being released tomorrow, and you're already home the day after that."

"We're coming home," Alexis repeats, her voice tight.

"I'm fine," she insists. Right, because 'I'm fine' is perhaps the least assuring thing to hear. 'I'm healthy'—that's what she should be saying.

But she's not.

"Kate," Alexis beseeches. She hears Castle murmur something next to the teen. "I don't care," Alexis mumbles. "I don't care, dad."

"Alexis," Kate prompts.

"You're in the hospital. Of course we're coming home," Alexis says, as if maybe Kate's a little bit dumb. "If I was in the hospital no one would be saying 'no, honey, let's stay another day on the other side of the country.' You'd already be on the plane."

"Because you're our kid," Kate says immediately. "It's—that's what parents and…step-parents do, they take care of their kids. But me? Alexis, I'm pissy, and in pain, and you don't need to be here for that. You should spend your last day with your mom."

"Because I need to go eat more brunch? You're _in the hospital_. Why doesn't anyone get that?"

"Believe me," Kate says, wincing. "I get it. But I promise you, I'm okay. Just in for observation for one more night. By the time you get home, I'll be up and walking, and that's what I want you to see. I want to be able to give you a hug and curl up on the couch, not have you back in my hospital bed so we'll both be miserable."

"Two is better than one," Alexis asserts, her voice brittle. "Three. Dad too," she corrects.

Kate smiles and looks up at the ceiling. Yes, two or three would be better than one. But not like this. Not for this.

"Let your mom have you for one last day. I get you until you leave for school, and believe me, we will have plenty of time to lay around."

"But I want—" Alexis says, before pausing. "Does it matter?"

"What you want? Of course it does," Kate says instantly, hears Castle echoing her on the other side. "If you really want to come home today, and come to the hospital to see me, I can't stop you. But I—we want you to have your trip. The timing sucks, Alexis, but one more day won't hurt. You only have tomorrow with your mom, you know?"

"I know," Alexis whispers. "I know."

"Keep me posted, whatever you decide. But know that if you come home on Saturday like we planned? I will be just fine."

"You couldn't have waited two more days?"

Kate laughs and hears Castle admonishing her in the background. "Oh, honey, believe me, I wish I could have."

Alexis huffs. "Okay. Okay. I—mom is taking me for dinner. I should get ready. Are you _sure_ you're okay?"

"I promise," Kate says quickly. "I'm okay. I have good doctors. Lanie's here, Martha's here, and my dad is a phone call away. I'll see you Saturday."

"Saturday," Alexis repeats. "I love you, Kate."

Kate closes her eyes. "I love you too. Have fun with your mom, okay?"

"I'll try," Alexis says softly. "Bye, Kate."

"Bye, honey."

She leaves the phone on, nodding when she hears it pass from Alexis to Castle.

"Hey," he says, his voice gruff. So, just as hard for him then.

"Hey," she greets. "Okay?"

"Didn't expect her to listen to me. But she did to you."

"Yeah. Good," she says, even though she would so much rather they show up tonight.

Step-parent, she said. It's her job to take care of Alexis, not the other way around. But God, does she want to be so selfish right now.

"Are you sure you don't want me to come back?"

Kate sighs. "Don't be stupid. Of course I want you to come back," pops out of her mouth before she can stop it.

"What?"

"I—Castle, of course it would be better with you here. But I don't _need_ you here for the observation period."

"Hey, Alexis, change of plans."

"Castle!" she exclaims.

"Thank God, thought you'd both lost your minds," Alexis calls back.

"Kate, if you want us there, we'll be there," Castle says into the phone, and she can hear him packing, hears Alexis calling her mother on Castle's phone.

It hits her hard all of a sudden. "Did you actually think I didn't _want_ you here?" Kate lets out. "Castle, why on earth would you—"

"Hey," he says, his voice softer now. "I understand, but making all of us miserable doesn't help anyone."

"You agreed with me," Kate protests.

"Because I was in shock," he grunts. "We're gonna get on the last flight. I already have the tickets."

Kate gapes out at the empty room. Shit.

"Castle," she mumbles. "I don't want you to—I don't want her to—"

"Beckett," he says, voice very firm, and she closes her mouth. "Remember when we said we were partners?" She huffs. "We're not going to let you languish alone because you think it's better for us, okay? You're in the hospital. We're coming to get you. End of story."

She curls her hand into a fist in the bed. If they come to the hospital, she doesn't get to tell him. He'll find out from someone else, and _she _wants to tell him.

"Rick," she says, her voice a tight breathy thing.

"Yeah?" he's distracted now, wires and something with zippers.

"Wasn't my appendix," she mumbles.

"What?"

She takes a deep breath. "It wasn't my appendix. I didn't want to tell you over the phone. Lanie said appendix, but I—I lost an ovary."

_"What_?"

She wishes she could see him. Damnit, she wanted to do this in person.

"I wanted to tell you in person," she repeats. "My ovary flipped, and circulation got cut off, and it died, so they had to take it out. It was all really fast, and I didn't really understand what was happening. But—I—I don't want you to get here and have someone else tell you."

"Kate," he says. "What—are you okay?"

She stares up at the ceiling. "No? But I—I wanted to see you. I'm sorry. I just—I wanted to tell you in person, but I can't let someone else tell you by accident. It's—this isn't just about…me."

"Damn straight it's not," he says, his voice harsh. "And you wanted us to wait a day? Kate, what the hell?"

She sighs and scrubs at her face. "I wanted to tell you in person," she repeats, feeling weaker for it. It's what she wanted. It still is. Because this—over the phone—isn't how you tell this news.

"Kate," he repeats, softer. "Are you okay? Are you still in pain? How did—how does that even happen?"

"God, I don't know," she says, quiet. "I—one minute I was having back pain, the next I was in the hospital. And then I woke up and Lanie said they'd taken it out, and I just—I didn't know what to do, didn't know _how_—so I let her tell you it was appendicitis so you wouldn't worry, and I'm sorry."

"You gotta stop making decisions for me, Beckett," he says gruffly. "But this—how does an ovary flip over?"

"Twists, actually," she says, shaking her head. "Twists up, but flipped is—they use them interchangeably."

"Okay. That—makes no sense."

"Right?" she says, laughing a little. "Right? It's ridiculous."

There's a short pause. She doesn't know what to say now.

"Am I mad at Lanie or at you right now?"

"Me," she says. "I guess. I just…didn't want you to worry. I'm sorry if that's—I didn't know if you'd prefer this over the phone. I wanted you here to tell you. I wanted to get to…I don't know, Castle. I wanted to tell you here. I'm sorry."

She hears him sit down on something, hears the heavy thump of his body. She lets him sit, lets him decide. "I—I'm upset, but…I don't know if I'd have told me either, to tell you the truth."

"Good," she whispers.

"I do wish you'd let me get on a plane first thing."

She curls in on herself. She just didn't know what to _do_. "I'm sorry."

"This isn't your fault, Beckett," he says, harsh. "It's not," he adds, quieter.

"Can we talk more when you get here?" she asks. She can't tell him the rest like this. She just can't.

"Long long talk," he agrees. "We'll get there around midnight."

"Okay," she says. "I'm—" she pauses. She's not exactly sorry, but she's not…not sorry either. "I'm glad you're coming."

He laughs a little sourly. "No more taking one for the team. The team can take it."

Kate nods slowly. "Okay. I'll get better about this."

He huffs. "Hopefully you won't need to, but okay. Let Lanie know she's a dead woman walking for not talking you out of it."

"Castle."

"What? You're in the hospital, what do you know?"

"Hey," she grumbles. Might be fair, all things considered. She's still foggy, and well, her best decisions aren't always made in the middle of crisis.

"I love you. We'll be there soon. Nap."

"Love you too, Castle," she says, shuddering as he clicks off the phone.

Now what?

(…)

"I told you so."

"Lanie, not now?"

Lanie laughs and smoothes down her blankets. "Hey, you got me in trouble."

"I—I was drugged, and in shock," she protests, sinking against the pillows. It's almost one now. They should be here any minute, and she has absolutely no idea what to do about it, other than bicker with Lanie.

"You're still drugged, and still in shock."

"Yeah, well," she mumbles. "What do I do, Lane?"

"You tell him," she says softly, serious now. "And you let him comfort you, and tell you that it's okay. Because it is."

"What if," Kate whispers, biting her lip.

"What if?"

She meets Lanie's eyes. "What if it's a deal breaker, Lanie? What if he really wanted kids?"

"More than he wants you? He has a perfect daughter. And just because you probably can't _have_ kids doesn't mean you can't have kids, you know."

Kate nods. She knows that. She does. But it doesn't make the pain any better. No matter how much she tells herself that there are other ways, she wanted the option at least.

"Kate!"

She startles, and Lanie stand up, stepping out of the way. She watches almost in slow motion as Alexis runs into the room, Castle on her heels.

"Hey," she manages as Alexis immediately wraps her arms gingerly around her shoulders. "Hey, I'm okay."

"You're not," Alexis says, pulling back to look at her. "Look at you."

"I'm gonna head home. Night, sweetie," Lanie says, smiling tightly at her before ducking around Castle.

She's going to have to fix that at some point. But Alexis first.

"I'm sorry I tried to get you to stay," Kate says. There's no use prolonging it. She made a knee-jerk decision that clearly wasn't the right one.

Alexis nods and pulls back. "Dad explained. And you're hurt. Clemency."

Kate breathes out at that. At least one of them kind of gets it. _Clemency_—that's what she said about Kate's bullet wound when they were in the basement.

She has to make it right this time—has to do better.

"I didn't," she glances up at Castle, finds him watching them openly, not mad, just tired. "I didn't want to have to tell either of you over the phone. A day or two seemed better, at the time. Won't do it again."

"Good," Alexis says stiffly, before cracking a smile. "I'm glad you're okay."

Kate nods and squeezes her hand. "Good to see you."

Alexis laughs. "Good to see you too," she says, standing up. "Gram's outside. I'm gonna go get us sandwiches. You want anything?"

Kate blinks and shakes her head. Alexis smiles and quickly leaves the room. Kate looks back at Castle and he shrugs.

"I kind of said we needed to talk."

Kate nods slowly, watching as he crosses to her side. He leans down and she meets him willingly, takes his kiss and the gentle hands on her cheeks. She tries not to cry. She really does.

"Kate?"

"I can't—I can't," she stutters.

"Pain?" he asks urgently, sitting softly at her hip. "Do you need me to call someone?"

"No," she says, reaching out to grip his hand. "No. I—I have to tell you—I couldn't tell you over the phone."

"There's more?" he asks, his voice soft. She meets his eyes and nods. "Thought there might be."

She breathes out at that. "I—I can't have kids," she says, pushes it out, sharp and fast. He just waits and she's so so grateful to him for it. "The remaining—my remaining ovary is probably fine, but the other fallopian tube was damaged when…when we escaped, and it scarred, so there's no way for me to…get an egg to my uterus. And they're worried that if I try to do fertility treatments, I'll grow another big cyst, and it'll be pointless. Well," she huffs. "That, and they're not sure it's good for my heart, the treatments or a pregnancy, if I could make it through one."

"Kate," Castle whispers.

"And I'm sorry I didn't tell you over the phone, but I couldn't. Not for this. Not when it's—it's your future too, and I didn't—didn't want you to…" she trails off as he hauls her into his chest.

He wraps his arms tenderly around her and she weeps into his neck.

"I'm so sorry, Castle," she mumbles into his skin. He smells like plane and his aftershave, and she clutches at his back, ignores the pain in her abdomen.

"Oh, God, Kate. I'm sorry," he whispers back, kissing the crown of her head. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," she says, pulling back to meet his eyes. "Not your fault."

He shakes his head and brushes his thumb beneath her eye, over her scar. "No, but I'm still sorry. I—I get it now." She nods into his hand. "Not why you tried to get us to stay—let's do that later—but not wanting to tell me 'till I was here."

"I just—I didn't want to say I couldn't make you a father again over the phone," she says, her voice a bit hoarse. "I couldn't."

"Thank you," he says, bending forward to rest his forehead against hers. "For letting me be here when you told me."

"I'm sorry," she says, clutching at his shirt. "That I can't."

He presses his lips to her nose. "Don't be. Don't be, sorry. This isn't your fault. If we want kids, we'll figure it out. I'm just glad you're okay. I—I'm so mad at Tyson, and the universe, but God, you're okay. That's what matters."

She lets her head fall to rest against his shoulder, presses her cheek into the soft cotton of his shirt. "I missed you," she says.

He nods and strokes over her back. "Missed you too. You don't need to shield me from things, Kate. I'm here to lean on."

"I know," she says, squeezing her eyes shut. "I just wanted to tell you in person, when I could stand up, and hug you. At the loft. I just wanted to go home, Castle. I'm sorry."

"Shh, enough now," he says, stroking her slightly matted hair. "You promise to tell me what's wrong, and demand I get my ass on a plane to come be with you next time, and we're okay."

"Promise," she says. "Promise. I just didn't know what to do—I didn't know how to tell you, or what you'd want, and I—"

"Kate," he insists, pulling back to look at her. "Honey, stop. You didn't do it to hurt me."

"But I did hurt you." She can see it in the lines on his face, the tension in his forehead.

"No," he corrects, smiling softly at her. "You scared the hell out of me, that's all. Didn't give me the opportunity to worry like I should have. But you didn't hurt me, Kate. I get it. God, I get it."

"I should have just told you."

"But that you didn't think so at the time? This is really…huge, Beckett. I understand. This is just—unfair."

"It is, isn't it?" she says, her body slowly relaxing bit by bit. "It's really unfair."

He nods and helps her lean back, stroking at her forehead. "But you're okay, otherwise? Everything else working the way it should?"

She laughs a little and nods, squeezing his other hand. "All good. I spoke with my OBGYN. She's got me on the pill now to stop the cysts. I should be fine. I just…can't have kids," she peters off, growling and swiping at her eyes. "Sorry, I'm—"

"Whatever you are right now is more than okay," he says firmly, cupping her cheeks in his hands. "Angry, sad, hysterical? Carte blanche, Kate. You tell me what you need, I'll do it, okay?"

She smiles, tears dripping over her lips and his fingers. "I—I'm so glad you're here," she says, wrapping her fingers around his wrists. "Really wanted you. Should have said. Thought—I don't know, that Alexis shouldn't see me like this, and it would be...easier for you, but stupid. Stupid. You're here, and I'm—"

He hums and pulls her back in for another hug. "Right here. I'm right here. Alexis will be okay."

"Do we have to tell her?" Kate whispers. "I—I promised her siblings."

He laughs, startled, and pulls back. "You did?"

"Said I'd try at least," Kate mumbles, meeting his eyes with a shrug. "Back when we were first out. I don't want to disappoint her."

He sighs and glances back at the door. "You can't disappoint her. You make the world turn."

"I just don't want her to be sad about this too, you know? We—I didn't know how to tell you, because God, Castle, we've been together what, three months now? We wouldn't have been talkin' about this for years." He nods at her, smiling. "So I just didn't—I didn't know what to do. I don't."

He smiles softly and bobs his head. "I know."

"What do you want to do? She's your daughter."

He considers her for a long moment, eyes flitting over her face, her body, the rest of the room. When he meets her eyes again, she feels herself relax—feels like maybe she can let go and let him handle this. That's what partners are for, right? She has to get used to that—needs to appreciate it.

"How about we get another good second opinion before we do anything else?"

She stares for a beat. "Oh."

"I know you've had tests. And you spoke with your doctor, but we should do a second opinion, right? Make sure before we close the door?"

"She—she said it could…God, the list of things that could go wrong," she mumbles.

He squeezes her hands and ducks to catch her eyes again. "Hey. Let's not decide anything right now, okay? You get better, maybe we see a specialist? If you want to."

She nods slowly. It can't hurt. And if it means she doesn't have to tell Alexis she absolutely can't have babies, it'll be worth it.

God, she's glad he's here.

(…)

He scrubs a hand over his face, leaning against the wall outside her room.

He left Alexis and Kate curled up in her hospital bed, watching television, the image too familiar and too stark, making him nauseous.

It's late.

He sighs and sinks slowly down into one of the chairs lining the hall and puts his head into his hands. He doesn't know what to think—doesn't know how to make his brain slow down. She's fine. She's…God, she's not fine, but she's okay. She seems in good enough spirits at least.

And he's just angry, and upset, and confused. Grateful that she's okay, of course, but he's still so pent up. He doesn't know that it would have been any better to hear in person, but maybe she had something there in not wanting to tell him over the phone. Appendicitis he understood. This—this is just so huge, and he hasn't been able to roll it over in his mind to something understandable since she told him.

That was before the other news too. But that—that they can get a second opinion on, can do research, can handle. She lost a fucking ovary. He just can't comprehend it.

"Darling?"

He startles and looks to his side to find his mother sitting there next to him, her face haggard, eyes bright. There's a bag at her feet. For Kate, he assumes.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he says, his voice rough. "Why didn't you call me so I could be here when she woke up?"

Is he upset that when in grievous pain, Kate thought it was better to do it alone? Yes, of course he is. Is he hurt that she wanted to lie? He is—he isn't—he is. But she was drugged, and in pain, and confused. He doesn't really blame her for making a snap judgment.

But Lanie, his mother—

"Why didn't you tell me?" he repeats.

Martha sighs and clasps her hands together. She cuts her eyes away from his and stares at the wall.

"You know I love Katherine," she says, leg jiggling a little.

"Mother."

"She asked us not to tell you," Martha says softly.

"And that was good enough for you? She was hurt, mother. Would you trust me if I said not to call her when I was getting taken to the ER?"

Martha frowns and glances at him. "She's not your wife, Richard."

He sits back at that, feels it like a punch to the gut. "So?" he demands.

"So she said she didn't want to tell you until we knew what was wrong. She has a right to her own medical decisions. You're not obligated to know."

"Mother," he hisses.

Martha looks back at him, her face harder than he expects it to be. "Do you have any idea what it feels like to be told you can't have children?"

"I just did," he spits back.

She narrows her eyes. "No, Richard. Katherine can't have children. You are perfectly capable."

"We don't know that she can't," falls out of his mouth, that hope rising hard in his throat. "And what does that—you should have called me."

"A very personal, very sacrosanct part of her was removed. I honored her decision."

"It was the wrong one," Castle bites out.

"That may be," Martha agrees slowly. "But it was hers. You want the right to bulldoze your way in, put a ring on her finger."

"Mother," he says, confused, and oddly hurt by the thought of it. "I—of course I should know. She's—she's everything. I should have been here with her."

"I'm not saying it was right, darling, but it was what she wanted, and I wasn't in a position to argue with her. I—I just held her hand, helped as I could."

"I could have held her hand," he says, and he hears it in his voice, the hurt.

"I know," Martha says, reaching out to curl her fingers over his. "And you will. But this—she wanted to do it on her own, at least at the time, and I had to honor that, Richard. I had to. I wouldn't have wanted someone else to make that choice for me without my consent."

He swallows hard. When she says it like that…it doesn't make it hurt any less. But he supposes he understands. He just—why did it have to be when he wasn't here?

"I'm going to go home. Should I take Alexis?" she asks.

He snorts. "Please."

She smiles tiredly at that. "I'll see you in the morning."

She squeezes his hand and stands up, pausing for a moment to touch his cheek. He looks up at her, searching for answers.

"You're here now. Go hold her hand."

He nods and takes the bag, turning and re-entering Kate's room.

Alexis is asleep against Kate's side, her body held carefully, as if even in sleep she knows not to press too close or too hard. He sighs at the thought that she knows that because they've done this before. They've done this all before.

Except now—

"Hey," Kate whispers, and he stumbles his way to the visitor's chair. "Martha go home?" He nods and sinks down, reaching out to curl his fingers over her free hand. "Don't be mad," she says, her words a bit slurry.

"At you?"

"Martha," she says. "I shoulda asked for you, not her."

He shakes his head and bends to kiss her finger tips, to smooth his hand down his daughter's hair. "Knee-jerk reaction, Kate."

"Still," she says, squeezing his hand. "Wanted you. Should have."

He smiles at that. They may not be there yet, but it only took her a few hours to figure it out. That's progress. "So next time."

"Next time," she agrees. "You okay?"

He nods. Not at all, but then again, neither is she. But he's here, and she's healing, and it will all work out. They'll make it work.

"Sleep, Kate," he says, watching in slight amusement as she fights her fluttering eyes.

"Love you," she whispers.

"Love you too," he replies, steady in it.

He watches them sleep for a long time. He should, reasonably, get up and sleep on the cot he sweet talked out of the nurse after he had Kate moved to a better room. He should.

But instead, he sits watching them. His daughter, and his not-wife.

He wonders if his mother is right, if they need to determine better terms, make boundaries, make legal choices. She already feels like his wife. Feels more like a wife than Gina or Meredith ever did.

But she's _not_.

It's only been three months, but it feels a hell of a lot longer than that. And he forgets that it's still new, because they've been so attached. But it is, and this—neither of them was prepared to face this now.

She's right. They've joked about babies, but they've hardly considered it. How could they? Her body's not ready for anything like that yet, even less so now.

And she might never be ready—might not ever be able to carry a child.

It hurts his heart and he swipes roughly at his cheeks, exhausted and past fighting against it.

God, it hurts.

Alexis shifts on the bed and he watches as Kate reacts instinctively, her free arm curling around Alexis' shoulders so the teen quiets.

She'd make such an amazing mother—already does, in the ways that really count, even though it's not quite that simple.

He sighs and sinks back in the chair. They'll talk. He doesn't know what she wants, doesn't know if they'll talk about adoption, or seriously consider surrogacy, or IVF. He just doesn't know, because it's new. It's so new.

The clock ticks on the wall and he listens to the steady beep beep of her heart monitor.

It's new, but they've gone through so much now. They've done this. It's over. He relaxes a bit at the thought. They've done this. They aren't going through it when they desperately want a child. It'll be well covered by the time they're ready to talk children.

And by then, it won't be new anymore, and they'll know how to handle stuff like this. Kate won't second guess, and he won't be blinded by shock and panic. They'll be a team. A haggard, run-through-the-wringer, practiced with crisis team—they've done it all.

Wedding's a tulle should be no problem. What's the use in fighting about color palettes when you've done all this already?

He smiles to himself and lets his eyes fall shut on the thought. They're going to come out stronger for this.


	34. Chapter 34

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 34:**

"So tell me about California," she says as Alexis snuggles into the big bed beside her.

They're finally home, after a barrage of further testing and checks at the hospital. The cab ride was excruciating, and she's so glad to finally sink into Castle's ridiculously comfortable bed. She may never get up again.

"It was sunny," Alexis offers, laying on her back on top of the comforter and staring up at the ceiling.

Castle tucked Kate in with specific instructions to 'stay' while he went and got food to stock the fridge. She and Martha had been planning to shop and cook them a big 'welcome back' dinner for their return.

Instead, Castle's grocery shopping, she's bed ridden, and Alexis is doing a very good job of being, well, normal.

"Sunny," Kate repeats, turning her head to look over at her. "Anything else?"

"Warm." Kate laughs and Alexis shrugs. "It was fine."

"You had fun with your mom?"

Alexis nods. "I did. It was nice to see her."

"I'm glad."

"It was weird though," she continues, twisting her hands into the comforter. Kate can feel it pulling gently at her shoulder.

"With your mom?"

"Yeah. It was kind of like she was…trying. She asked how I was, asked about the basement, though I could tell she didn't really want to know."

"What did you tell her?" Kate wonders.

"The basics," Alexis says softly. "Dad—even dad sometimes looks horrified, you know?"

Kate reaches out and wraps her hand around Alexis'. "It was horrifying," she tells her. "I think sometimes we forget. But that—I don't know that anyone can hear about it without being horrified."

"Yeah," Alexis mumbles. "Right."

"But you guys talked?" Kate presses. It's important.

"Yeah," Alexis says, offering her a tight smile. "We did. It was nice. It was just…weird. Different."

"Do you think you'll keep talking?"

Alexis shrugs and squeezes her hand. "Maybe. Not the really important stuff, but maybe. She—she wasn't super happy that we left."

Kate sighs. Damn. "I'm sorry."

"No," Alexis says quickly. "No, just—she handled it poorly. Dad had to talk to her, and they were yelling. I tuned it out."

She supposes it wouldn't have been much better if he'd gone and whisked Alexis out of that spa the minute she woke up. But still. This is what she didn't want. Not that she really had any control over it, but it stings.

"She's jealous," Alexis offers calmly. "Which is stupid. It's not like our relationship is spectacular to begin with. That you—that I love you doesn't jeopardize anything with her. I'm not seven."

Kate laughs despite herself. "No, you're not."

"She should be glad I have someone to talk to about all of it. Dad doesn't act like—dad's happy that I'm happy. And that's enough for him."

She wishes she could turn over, but she's still so tender. Lying on either side is painful, one pressing, one pulling. She gets the stitches out in a few days, and it'll be better. For now, she settles on squeezing Alexis' hand.

"I just—it bothered me that she wanted me to stay."

"She just wanted her week with you," Kate defends weakly.

"You wanted me to stay too. I don't—stupid, Kate," she says, meeting her eyes, her face harder than Kate expects it to be.

Kate withers slightly under the look but figures it's deserved. "In the moment, I thought it would be better for you to get that last day with your mom. I thought it was better than dragging you into my medical mess. And I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, or your dad."

"I know," Alexis says slowly. "Not hurt just…I don't know. It seemed so…" she peters off, and Kate nods.

"I know. I wasn't all there, wasn't really thinking it through. I just wanted everyone spared as much pain as possible. Failed, spectacularly."

Alexis huffs a little laugh and gives her a small smile. "Yeah, well. At least you're okay."

"I am," Kate assures her.

She can't have kids—well, probably can't, at any rate. And she hurts. And she's grieved about it all, but she's okay.

"So, ovaries flip over."

Kate laughs and Alexis grins. "They do. I couldn't believe it either."

"Dad did a ton of research on the flight back, read me some. It's terrifying," Alexis admits, her smile dimming. "And the pain—"

"That part's true for sure," Kate agrees. "But they got meds into me pretty quickly, and it doesn't hurt anymore. Well, I mean, the surgical stuff does, but…you get what I mean."

Alexis nods and turns onto her side, legs curling up between them. "So it just sucks to be a girl."

Kate nods. "Yeah. But hey, it's not a common thing. And if you're on birth control—the pill—it's not something you'll have to worry about."

"So you're not at risk for it again," Alexis confirms.

Kate swallows. "No, I'm not. I'm good."

Alexis traces patterns on the comforter. "Dad was really scared," she says quietly.

Kate clenches her jaw and nods. She feels her eyes pricking. She was scared too. Really scared.

"I'm glad you're okay," Alexis whispers.

Kate looks over at her and watches as her eyes flutter shut. They were up late so late last night, she's not surprised.

Kate smiles and reaches over her, tugging until she can pull the covers up to wrap around her. It tugs on her surgical site and she hisses, dropping the corner of the comforter over Alexis and breathing forcefully in and out.

She's not due for more meds for a few more hours. She's surprised that while it hurts, compared to the pain of the damn thing flipping over, it's not that bad now. She supposes the whole ordeal won't do much to temper her pain tolerance. Iron Woman, Lanie called her.

Maybe if she were weaker, maybe if she'd paid more attention she'd still have her ovary.

"Hey."

She turns her head and finds Castle kneeling at her bedside. "Hey," she whispers, and her voice is watery.

He gives her a sad smile and caresses her cheek. "You in pain?"

"A bit," she says. "But just," she peters off, shrugging.

The doctor did say she might be hormonal for the first month, adjusting. Right now she thinks she's probably just sad, but she can blame the hormones. It's certainly easier.

He nods and scoots closer to the bed to rest his chin on her pillow. His lips dust hers and she manages a smile.

"She out?" Castle whispers, glancing over at Alexis.

"I'm too much excitement," Kate says.

He laughs. "Can't argue. You comfy here? I can start dinner."

"Dinner?"

"It's nearly five," he says, his whole demeanor soft and quiet and careful.

"Oh," she mumbles. They've been laying here for longer than she thought then. Or maybe she has, watching Alexis sleep.

He starts to stand and she reaches out, grabs at his shoulder.

"No, stay," she decides, wanting him close.

"Where?" he asks.

"You can fit," Kate argues. There's not a lot of room, but he can fit, she's sure.

He smiles and nods. "You okay to shift a little?"

She blinks as he stands and then breathes slowly as he helps her sit up. She's surprised when he climbs up behind her, settling her back against his chest, his legs on either side of hers.

Alexis sleeps the sleep of the dead, doesn't even twitch.

"Hey," she breathes out, gripping his forearms. God, she missed him.

"Hey," he says, his voice at her ear, arms settled high enough not to bother her abdomen. "How are you?"

She leans into him, lets him take her weight. And though he's not as soft as the bed, he's still comfortable and warm behind her. It's just so nice to have him _there_.

"I'm…glad to be home," she says. His breath hitches and she closes her eyes, lets them both have that. It's not home, not officially, but it counts in all the ways that matter.

"Me too," he says.

"How are you?" she wonders, turning her head to look up at him. She catches the way his eyes blink, the subtle tightening of his jaw.

"I'm fine," he says, and though his voice is soft, even happy, she can tell it's not true.

"Castle?"

"I'm fine," he insists. "I'm—it's been a long couple days, Beckett."

"Yeah," she agrees. She wants to help. "If you have questions, or, um, want to talk?"

He huffs and chuckles behind her. "Kate, rest. We can talk later. We can hash it out, and plan, and talk about particulars. For now, just rest."

She frowns but follows suit. She lets her breathing time in to his, lets her heartbeat settle to match the slow thump behind her. She wants to talk, but he's right. It's been quite a few days. They can talk later.

She sighs as she feels sleep pulling her under, feeling finally safe and sound with his body wrapped around hers. "Gonna sleep," she slurs out.

"Sleep, I've got you," he whispers, kissing the crown of her head.

(…)

She wakes up when her pillow starts moving. She moans, trying to hold onto him. She's comfy.

"Darling, you're waking her."

Kate blinks and finds Martha standing at the end of the bed. "Hey," she says, her mouth full of cotton.

"Here, Kate," Castle murmurs, helping her sit forward so he can slide out from behind her. She frowns up at him as he lowers her back to the pillows and he laughs. "We need to eat," he explains.

"So?" she grumbles.

Alexis laughs beside her and all of a sudden they're all above her and looking down. It's disconcerting.

"Can I go to the living room? You're all up," Kate says, going for cool.

Castle rolls his eyes but nods, holding out his hands while Alexis helps her sit back up. God, she's so done with this invalid thing.

Once she's up, Martha comes around to help her out of the room while Alexis nips into the bathroom and Castle heads to the kitchen. She notices that neither of them have said a word to the woman.

"Martha, I'm sorry," she says quietly as they shuffle their way through the office. At least she's almost walking under her own steam now. It won't be nearly so much of a healing process. They want her up and moving as much as she can.

"For what, darling?"

"Castle and Alexis seem…upset."

Martha tuts and squeezes her gently. "Nothing I can't handle, dear. You just focus on getting better."

"I didn't mean to put you in the middle," Kate insists.

If they're mad, they should be mad at her, not treating her with kid gloves because she's hurt.

Martha shakes her head and helps lower her to the couch. "Katherine, it will pass. Please, don't worry about me."

"But," she mumbles.

Martha shakes her head. "But nothing. Now, I'm going out, do you need anything?"

"No," Kate says softly, deflating there against the pillows.

"All right. I'll see you later, kiddo," she says, bending to kiss Kate's head before calling a farewell to Castle.

Kate hears the door open and shut and stares out at the living room. She made such a mess of everything, and it took so little to do it. She sighs and then pastes on a smile as Alexis emerges from the office.

"Gram go out?"

"Yeah," Kate says, watching as the girl comes over to plop perfectly happily onto the couch. "Are you upset with her?"

"With Gram?"

"Yeah," Kate says softly.

"No, why?" Alexis says, surprised.

"Oh." Maybe she's reading too much into everything—so prepared for everyone to be passive aggressive and angry.

"We had a whole chat while you and dad were passed out," Alexis adds with a smile. "You guys were cute."

Kate laughs at that. "Good."

"Yeah," Alexis agrees, glancing over her shoulder at Castle. "That is good. She was scared."

Kate sighs. "I'm sure."

"She loves you, and she was doing what she thought was best. All we can do, really," Alexis adds.

Kate smiles and reaches out to pat her knee. "You're such a mature kid."

Alexis laughs and snuggles into the couch. "You say that now. Just wait 'till we're picking out comforters. I'll be plenty picky."

Kate smiles. "I look forward to it."

Alexis seems to soften at that. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," Kate replies, a bit baffled. "It'll be fun. Nesting is great. Helps you feel in control, and college stuff is the best. It's the only time you can have pastel everything and still be cool."

Alexis rolls her eyes but Kate catchers her smiling. She turns her head and finds Castle watching them from the kitchen, his eyes wistful.

(…)

"Castle?"

He jerks, head lifting out of his hands as she pads slowly across the office. He'd been in bed beside her when she'd finally fallen asleep. But when she woke in the wee hours to use the bathroom, he was nowhere to be seen, his sheets gone cold.

She studies his face in the dim light from the lone lamp at the corner of the room. The bags beneath his eyes glare against his pale skin, and the crease in his forehead begs to be kissed away. She can't quite bend that way yet though.

"Why're you up, babe?" she whispers, arriving at his side and reaching out to card her fingers through his tousled hair.

He looks cracked open.

"Couldn't sleep," he says, and she winces at the hoarse rasp of his voice. Like he's been crying. "Didn't want to wake you."

"You could have," she tells him. She wishes he had.

He grunts at her, looking up to study her. She's not sure hers is a better picture than his is. "You need to sleep, Kate. Need to recuperate."

"I'm okay," she says, letting her hand fall to knead into the back of his neck. "You know that, right? I'm okay."

He sighs, nodding perfunctorily. "I know."

"Are you okay?" she asks. He nods quickly again, but she doesn't believe it. "Really."

His shoulders hunch and he opens his mouth before looking at her again. "Let's go to bed."

"No, wait. I—Rick, please, talk to me."

He rolls his eyes. "Bed to talk, Beckett. Recovering from surgery. Come on."

With that he stands and guides her back to their room, taking care to tuck her in tight before crawling in himself. But he doesn't curl up beside her, doesn't come in close to take her hand. He keeps his distance.

She's both grateful for it and slightly hurt.

"Castle?" she prompts after a few stretching, silent minutes.

"I can't wrap my head around it," he says, glancing at her before staring at the ceiling.

"Around what?"

"That your ovary is just _gone_."

That's what has him so upset? That's the easy part. That's the part that makes sense. It's the other side, with the damaged tube, and the stress on her body that would keep her awake but for the meds. The missing ovary—that one she understands.

"I just don't understand it," he continues. "You were fine. You were…sore, but fine, right?"

She nods slowly. "I was sore. For a while, actually. I just didn't think it meant anything."

He exhales loudly at that. "Superwoman," he mutters.

"Iron Woman," she corrects, smiling a little as he chuckles in surprise. "Lanie said."

"Lanie said," he repeats and that laughter is gone.

"I am sorry," she insists, wishing she could roll over and cross the distance, could show him with her body and her touch how much she wishes she hadn't hurt him.

"I'm not—you were in pain, and hurt, and I'm not _mad_, I just—I don't know. I don't know what I am," he decides, glancing at her. "Just...it was fast. And I wish I'd been here."

Kate nods and inches her fingers across the bed, relieved when his wrap around hers. "I know," she says, looking back up at the ceiling. She'll be doing this a lot, she thinks, staring at ceilings. "It was a random thing."

"The ovary," he says. "Not the other half."

"No," she agrees, pressing her head back into the pillow in frustration. "No, that's not random."

Fucking Tyson and his fucking knees. If she'd rolled a different way, if he hadn't pinned her—there are hundreds of possibilities that wouldn't have left her fallopian tube crippled.

But it is, and now, because of this random event, they have to deal with it. Hell, maybe they would never have known if she hadn't had the other ovary flip. Maybe getting pregnant would have just taken a long time. Maybe maybe maybe.

"Can you feel it?"

She looks over at him, surprised. "The damaged tube?"

"Yeah," he says, rolling onto his side now, looking maybe a little more like himself, as if just acknowledging it has done something to help him.

"No," she says, smiling a little. "I can't usually feel any of it."

"Weird," he mumbles, and she laughs, delighted when he does too.

"What, that I can't feel my ovaries? You—oh, well, I guess you can feel yours."

"I can sit on mine, Beckett. I know they're there."

She giggles. "Mm. Sucks to be a man, I guess."

"It really does. Don't know why you're getting such special treatment here," he says lightly, winking just in case she doesn't get it.

He can make as many jokes as he wants if it keeps him looking happy.

"I'll try to be tougher," she promises with an eye roll, wincing as his smile dims.

"You're plenty tough. Too tough, I think," he says, slowly scooting over to her until he can gently place his hand on her stomach. "How did you not know?"

She closes her eyes and blows out a slow breath. "I'm sorry," she whispers. She should have. She felt off, wrong. Why didn't she realize?

"Hey, no," he says quickly, leaning up on his other elbow to brush the hair out of her face. "No I meant—I'm impressed. And I'm sorry. Maybe if I'd been here, I would have—"

She raises her fingers to his lips, glaring at him. "Don't apologize for taking care of your kid, Castle. This isn't anyone's fault. It just…was. And I don't know that we would have thought any differently if you'd been here. You would have just rubbed my tummy. My pain tolerance isn't your fault."

"How 'bout from now on, you tell me if something hurts, and we make a group decision about if it's just hurting, or it's, you know, flipping over?" he suggests.

She laughs. "Go through my medical care by committee?"

"Well, you're obviously too strong for normal methods here. I don't want your appendix to actually rupture and have you tell me it's just a cramp, you know?"

She wonders if she would. If it did start to hurt, what would she think? There's certainly fewer options now, at least. She meets his eyes and finds he's actually pretty serious about this—about her telling him so he can help her decide.

She can do that for him, she thinks. She's obviously not a reliable witness.

"Okay. Something hurts, you'll be the first to know."

"Good," he says firmly. "You tell Lanie you agreed to that."

"Castle," she says, swatting at him. "It really wasn't her fault."

He frowns and considers her for a long moment before sinking down beside her, pressing in close. It reminds her of her first week here, when she'd wake with him snuggled against her side, careful of her wounds.

"I know," he says softly. "I want someone to be mad at."

She nods, running her fingertips over his forearm. "Me too, Castle. But the ovary flipping—it happens to a lot of women."

"I know," he grunts. "The other thing, though."

"Yeah," she agrees. "We could see if they'd release his body, dismember it."

He barks out a laugh at that and she manages to smile. "That's so…gross," he says, his stubble rubbing against her shoulder where his big tee shirt has slipped down. "But maybe."

"Can I help?" she asks after a minute.

"Help?" He raises up to meet her eyes.

"You," she mumbles. She doesn't know what she's offering really, but she wants to. She wants to make him feel as safe and loved as he makes her feel—wants to give him the relief she felt at just seeing him when they arrived at the hospital yesterday.

He stares hard at her, confused. "You—you don't need to do anything, Beckett," he says slowly. "Just get better. I'm fine."

"You're not though," she asserts, reaching up to rub at his cheek. "You're—do you want to talk about it?"

"About what?"

She sighs. "My infertility," she says. They really haven't yet.

"I thought we were getting a second opinion before we made decisions," he says, turning his cheek to kiss her palm. "Don't say infertility yet."

She sighs. He's holding out hope, and she's—well, she supposes she's listening to what the doctor he didn't get to speak with told her.

"Castle, it's very likely I am," she says gently. He sighs. "And we don't _have_ to talk about it, but I—"

She realizes that she wants to. They've been tiptoeing around each other today. They're not telling Alexis until they know for sure, but that doesn't mean they can't talk about it.

He nods and sinks back to her side, lips at her shoulder blade. "I would have liked to see you pregnant," he says gruffly.

She squeezes her eyes shut, just for a moment, before opening them, diving into this—a conversation she never wanted to have with him.

"Me too," she admits.

He sighs against her skin. "And the getting to pregnant part. I wanted to do that too—try and try and get to sit on the edge of the tub with you, waiting for the stick to turn pink. Or blue. Dunno what the colors are now."

She smiles at that. "Yeah. Wouldn't have been soon," she says hesitantly.

"Of course not," he agrees. "But someday. I liked it as part of someday."

She nods, curling her hand up to brush through the hair at the base of his neck. "Me too, Castle."

"And if you can't, that's okay," he says quickly. "It's so okay. I just," he peters off.

"I know," she says. "I don't think it's really hit me yet."

She doesn't feel nearly upset enough. She hasn't really dealt with it, losing that beautiful part of their future.

"Yeah," he says. "Maybe the next doctor will say differently."

She sighs. "And if they don't?"

"Then they don't," he says, rising again to meet her eyes. "I told you, doesn't make you less, Kate."

She nods. "I know. But I still wanted it."

He bends down and presses his lips to hers, sadness settling over them. "Me too," he whispers, pulling back to kiss her cheeks. "But we'll be okay."

"Do you want more kids?" she asks, meeting his eyes.

"I—" he says, biting at his cheek. "Do you?"

She shrugs. "I don't know. I wanted…the possibility, I guess. Alexis is awesome, and I—it would be nice to get to see that happen."

He smiles, his face suddenly a gentle, loving thing. "Yeah. They're pretty cool. Even if you can't have kids—can't conceive, or can't carry—we can still…if you want, we can still have them."

"Adopt, you mean?" she asks.

He nods slowly. "It's different from you pregnant and yelling at me, and it could take longer, but if we decide we want them, we can still have them."

"But what if I'm a terrible mom?" pops out of her mouth. She winces and he laughs loudly. "Castle!"

"Beckett," he returns, smiling at her. "That's just ridiculous."

"But what if—if it comes out of me, it's stuck with me. But what if we adopt one and I'm terrible, and they could have gone to a better mom?"

He shakes his head, blinking at her. "What—that's—what, like, if you were terrible, the biological one has no choice?"

"Well yeah! Anyone can pop out a kid, but adopting one—that's never an accident. What if I'm a complete failure? What if I'm awful, and there was some other woman who would have been a wonderful mom, and they could have gone to her instead?"

He scoffs and bends down, silencing her with a consuming kiss. When he finally pulls back, he kisses her nose and gives her a stern look. "You will be a wonderful mother if we decide to have kids, Kate. You already are a great mother in all the ways that count, and Alexis isn't yours, so your argument holds absolutely no water."

"But," she starts.

"But nothing. Ridiculous. Any child would be lucky to have you for a mom, whether she comes out of you—and really, let's pick a better way to say that—or whether we go and pick her up at the hospital, or the CPS office."

She's not sure that's true at all. But the look he's giving her, he's probably right. He's just going to have to tell her a lot. Incessantly.

"Okay," she whispers.

"You totally don't believe me, do you?" he asks, smirking at her.

"I—gimme a break. I'm—plan our four month anniversary or something, Mr. Serious."

He laughs and kisses her one last time before shifting back to her side and snuggling down. "Okay. I'm going to go way overboard, you know? You haven't let me do anything for the other ones."

She rolls her eyes. "Whatever, Castle."

"Whatever," he repeats. "I say we'll have kids, and you say whatever."

She laughs, squeezing his forearm. "I love you," she says. "And we'll talk about it, right?"

"Right," he agrees, kissing her shoulder. "I love you, and we'll talk about it. We can talk as much as you want. But now? Let's sleep."

"You were the one who got up," she mutters.

He smiles against her skin. "Good night, Kate."

"Night, Castle."

She stares up at the ceiling, feeling a bit cracked open, but somehow a bit more whole for the conversation. They'll keep talking. And if they want kids—if they want kids, they'll find a way.

He grunts against her shoulder. "Sleep."

She smiles and closes her eyes, tuning back into him, letting his confidence lull her to a peaceful sleep for the first time in days.


	35. Chapter 35

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 35**

"We don't have to," he says softly.

Kate opens her eyes and turns to look at him, sitting there in the driver's seat, hands curled around the steering wheel, eyes glued across the parking garage, on the elevators that will take them up and into the hospital.

"What do you mean?" she wonders.

"We don't have to find out now. We could wait. I—I feel like maybe I've pressured you into this."

She blinks, surprised, and reaches out for his hand. "You haven't."

"I just—I don't want you to do this for me. If you want to accept what the other doctor said, if you want to try—whatever you want."

She shakes her head. "Castle," she prompts, waiting until he meets her eyes. "I am doing this for you." He opens his mouth and she holds up her free hand. "Because you wanted to, and because maybe they will say differently. But if you want a second opinion, let's get one."

"But it's your—"

She can fix this. She can make him see. She's putting him first this time. She has no illusions here. She can't have kids. She's pretty sure that's a fact. But for him—for him she'll hope, and she'll get testing, and she'll meet a hundred specialists.

"It's our future, babe," she says quietly. His eyes widen. "Whether or not I can have kids, they'd be your kids, Castle. You get a fifty/fifty say here."

"I don't want to hurt you," he beseeches.

"By finding me the best fertility specialist in Manhattan? By getting us in to see him in under a week? By rubbing my tummy and telling me you love me? Real hurtful."

He scoffs at her. "Beckett."

"Come on. Let's go see the fertility doctor."

With that, she squeezes his hand and gets out of the car, taking a deep breath. They need to do this. It's a great excuse to tell herself it's for him—for his peace of mind. But of course it's for hers too.

He takes her hand in his and stands by her side the whole ride up to their floor. He wraps his arm around her as she fills out the paperwork and she takes a deep breath. They can do this. Whatever the outcome, they can do this.

(…)

It's so unfair that all he would have to do is jack off in a cup, and Kate has to get poked and prodded and…all kinds of unpleasant things. And she takes it like a champ too, looks like it barely bothers her at all.

There's all these metal things. He can't see what they do, standing as he is by Kate's head, but her grimaces of discomfort are enough. They already did another ultrasound. Well, the belly one. There's a transvaginal one as well that he holds her hand through. Something with a speculum next, and a pap smear that makes her groan.

She explained earlier that it's a tiny little bit of her cervix being scraped off, and seriously, how can they _do_ that to someone? It's just—awful. All of it is awful, and she's so blasé about it, smiling up at him and chatting with him, like it's her job to make him more comfortable.

"Castle," she whispers as he stares at the little instrument table. The doctor keeps taking things off, and each one looks worse than the last. "You can leave, babe."

"No," he grunts, bending to kiss her forehead. "No, just—you're Superwoman."

Both Kate and the doctor laugh and he blushes.

"You've got a good one," the doctor tells Kate, glancing up from the sheet that's draped over Kate's spread knees. "Some of them faint, if they're even here at all."

"He's tough," Kate says with a smile, looking up at him. "And I promise, Castle, he's not hurting me."

Castle narrows his eyes as the doctor gives him a sheepish look and mouths "Much," at him before ducking back behind the draped sheet.

"And you do this every time?" Castle wonders, yet again.

"Not all of it," Kate placates.

"Most of it," the doctor puts in.

"Just lie, would you?" Kate says, rolling her eyes as Castle glares at her. "It's not that bad."

"She's a good egg. Some women cry."

"I don't blame them," Castle says as the doctor _finally_ rolls back in his chair and strips off his gloves.

"I don't either," the man says, smiling at them both as he helps Kate gets her legs out of the stirrups.

Kate sits up and Castle absently rubs her back as she re-drapes the sheet and shifts back to rest against the raised back of the bed. She winces a little and he feels his other fist clench. God, he's so mad at Tyson, but now he's mad at the medical system.

Is this stuff what they do to his daughter at the "grown up" doctor? It's just barbaric.

"Castle."

He turns and finds the doctor ducking out of the room. He's a nice guy, Dr. Hitchens. One of the best OBGYNs in the country specializing in fertility. This whole workup was just so he'd have a clear picture of Kate's…system.

"Castle," Kate repeats, tugging on his hand. "Relax."

He sighs and slumps down onto the little stool beside her bed. He runs his hands through his hair, agitated.

"I—I don't like this, Beckett," he decides.

"Not much of a fan myself, but it's over. He'll be back in a few with the results of the scans. The pap smear was just because we're here. I needed one anyway."

He shifts, surprised. "So you elected to do that today?"

She shrugs. "It sucks no matter what, might as well lump it all together in one big pile and get it over with."

He sighs. "A big pile of suckage?"

She laughs and tugs on him, bringing him in for a soft kiss. "You're a really good partner, Castle. Thanks for staying, even though I know it made you mad."

"Of course," he says automatically. "I'll come to every one if you want."

She smiles and shakes her head. "I'm not putting you through that. But you can buy me ice cream after every visit if you want."

He nods, relaxing a little with how calm she seems. "Okay. Ice cream after every gyno appointment, rest of your life, deal."

Her eyes soften and widen with that. "Deal."

She goes to say something else, but Dr. Hitchens comes back in, carrying scans, and they both go silent, their hands clasped. He doesn't smile and Castle feels his heart sink.

In the end, it doesn't matter. All the tests—so many many tests—come back the same: Her remaining ovary is likely fine, but the fallopian tube is beyond saving.

"I'm sorry," the doctor says, looking between them, Kate's hand held tightly in his as she scoots to sit at the edge of what can only be considered a medieval torture table for all the things they did to her for absolutely _nothing_.

"But it is possible," Kate hedges.

Castle shakes his head in time with the doctor. "It is, but at a twenty percent chance, Kate, I wouldn't recommend it. Even if you managed a successful retrieval and implantation, the odds that you'd carry all the way through are slim."

"Do you think," she begins, stalling for a moment to look over at Castle. He squeezes her hand, wants to know whatever she does. Considering he can't think past the big fat "NO," in his head, he's glad she has follow up questions at all.

He doesn't know why he was so sure her doctor was wrong, but he was. And now he's wrong. So wrong wrong wrong.

"Do you think that my inability to carry is due to the trauma? Is there anything I could do? Kegels?" she asks, blushing a bit.

The doctor chuckles and Castle wants to slug him, but Kate laughs a little too.

"Kegels could potentially help you strengthen your bladder control while pregnant, but not much else."

"I know," Kate says, shrugging, a little listless with it. "But is there anything?"

"It's likely a combination of the trauma and your body as it is," the doctor says softly. "You may have had some issues with miscarriage without the shooting and without the…captivity. But, given both, I can see some scaring around your uterus, and with the amount of work all of the muscles would have to do, and the compression of your organs—with all that combined, it's unlikely you would sustain a pregnancy. I wouldn't recommend you try for a number of years to begin with to give your heart some true time to recover. You're in great shape, all things considered, but the tax a baby causes to your system—"

"I know," Kate says quietly. "They said as much when I was shot."

"What?" Castle lets out, shocked.

She smiles and looks over at him. "Not never, just that I should wait a few years before that kind of stress. I imagine this would put me back a few more, and then we're already looking at high risk, right?" she asks, looking back to the doctor.

He nods. "Overall, if you're really set on biological children, I think surrogacy is the only way to go."

"But you wouldn't recommend it," Castle pipes up, trying to ease his grip on Kate's hand. He's sure she'll have bruises at this rate. He's just so…hurt by it all.

"No," the doctor agrees. "No, I wouldn't.

It's not worth it. He dragged her through all of this all over again and it's not worth it.

"I'll have Margaret in reception give you some information on surrogacy if you'd like, but I wouldn't—"

"No," they both say and he turns surprised eyes on Kate.

"I may be Iron Woman, Castle, but I'm not stupid," she says, and her voice is soft enough that he can hear the deep ache beneath the sarcasm.

He nods and the doctor smiles at both of them.

"I'll give you some privacy. Please feel free to call if you have any questions. This is a very difficult reality to face, I know. I'm available if you need me."

"Thank you," Kate says, and Castle echoes her, watches as he quietly leaves the room.

He finds himself staring at the door, bereft.

"Castle."

He sighs, looking up to find Kate slipping back into her jeans. He didn't even bother to watch, or help.

"Sorry," he mumbles, standing to help her into her shirt.

She smiles softly and lets him slip the plain cotton tee shirt over her head. "You okay?" she asks as he settles the fabric around her hips.

"Me? Are you okay?" he wonders, watching as she slips back into her flats and shrugs on her light jacket.

Kate considers him then leans forward and buries her face in his neck, arms wrapping around her shoulders.

He clutches at her, takes her weight and sways lightly. He kisses her head, lost for the appropriate words. After a long pause, she pulls back, and he's surprised to see her eyes are dry.

"Come on. Get me coffee?" she suggests.

He stutters out a laugh, shocked by her strength all over again. He's close to falling apart and she's just taking him blithely by the hand and leading him out of the little examination room.

She can't have children.

(…)

"Are you sure you're okay to walk back up?" Castle asks, looking worried and scared and so very sad.

"You can piggy back me up if need be," Kate says, going for a smile. The corners of his mouth lift at least, and she considers it a win.

She draws him further down the hill, across the street and over to the little park, both of them staring out at the river, the sound of the water and the rush of cars across the Washington Bridge soothing to hear.

She leads him over to a bench and together they sit, quiet, hands clenched around too-thin paper cups filled with boiling hot coffee. She takes a sip of hers, enjoys the burn of it down her throat, the bitter tang against her tongue.

At least she'll never have to give up her coffee.

She stares down at the little paper cup, smeared with her dull lipstick. She'll never have to give up her coffee. She'll never have to give up her heels. She'll never have to stop drinking, or eating sushi, or taking really scaldingly hot baths.

She won't have to sacrifice any of those pleasures for the pleasure of growing a life inside her—their life.

She sniffles. She _wanted_ to give that up.

She wanted to watch Castle to backflips to make decaf taste like caffeinated. She wanted to send him out on crazy food runs, and let him make her disgusting concoctions. She wanted to see what fruity non-alcoholic cocktails he'd have made, and wanted to let him soothe away the crazy hormones. She wanted him to rub her belly and sing songs to their unborn child.

She wanted it. And she can't have it.

She knew she couldn't already, but now, with Castle's disappointment stoic and broken beside her, it _hurts_. It really, really hurts.

"Kate?"

She sniffles again, reaching up to brush at her eye as she feels a tear slipping down her cheek.

It was real two weeks ago in the hospital. But now it feels…final.

She startles as he touches her knee, coffee sloshing out of the cup and onto her hands. "Damnit," she hisses, grateful when he deftly plucks the cup from her hands so she can suck on her finger, can wipe off the drip of coffee on her jeans.

"Sorry," he says quietly, reaching out to take her hand and kiss it. "Didn't mean to scare you."

She shakes her head and turns to look him over. His shoulders are hunched, eyes downcast and focused on her smaller hand in his.

"You didn't, I'm just," she trails off, taking a deep breath even as her eyes continue to drip. "I'm just sad, Castle."

He raises his eyes to hers and nods, releasing her hand to pull her into his side. She rests her cheek against the crook of his shoulder.

"Me too," he admits, his fingers drawing circles on her shoulder blade.

"I didn't think it would hurt the second time," she adds, swiping at her cheeks. "I really wanted to have your baby someday."

"God, Kate, so did I," he says, gripping her tighter. "I'm sorry I made you go through this again."

She shakes her head and pulls away, needs to meet his eyes to make him understand. "No. Thank you," she says, reaching up to cup his cheek so he listens. "I—I heard them, in the hospital. I did. But it didn't sink it. It didn't feel final, and this does. I know now, and that hurts, it really hurts, but I'm glad," she breaks off, swallowing a sob. "I'm glad we know."

He nods and wraps her up, pulls her onto his lap. She accidentally kicks their coffees off the bench. They land with a splat, coffee spilling out and running toward his shoes, but she doesn't care.

She lets him hold her, carding his fingers through her hair as she weeps into his neck.

"I love you," he whispers.

She nods against his throat, her chest tight and shaking as she sucks in air. It's quiet around them, and she feels safe despite the openness of the park, despite the treachery of her own body.

She feels safe with him, and like they'll make it. They'll get through this.

This horrible thing that has happened, has ripped away a perfect part of their future.

But she has him.

She feels one of his hands leave her, feels the brush of his arm against her back as he wipes at his own cheeks.

"We'll be okay," she mumbles through the tears.

He pulls back just enough to pepper his wet lips across her face, a trail of kisses. "We'll be great, Beckett. We can't have this, but we—we'll have so much, I promise."

She nods, leaning in to catch his lips, both of them stuffy and out of breath. It's wet and a little gross, but when she pulls back, she feels like maybe she can breathe again.

"Can we get ice cream?" she wonders inanely.

He laughs, loud and bright. "So we can snot all over each other?"

She nods. "I'm sad. Let's get ice cream."

He smiles softly, the pain wide on his face. But there's a sparkle in his eyes, and even though she knows she'll cry tonight, and tomorrow, and possibly forever, she can tell there will be laughter and happiness too.

"I'm sad, so let's get sundaes," he counters.

"And fries," she adds.

"Burgers too," he decides.

"So Remy's?"

He smiles and presses a last kiss to her lips before giving her a giant squeeze.

"I love you," he repeats.

"I love you too, Castle. So very lucky to have you."

"God, Kate, I'm the lucky one."

She smiles against his cheek, sitting there, curled on his lap by the river.

(…)

"Are you okay?"

"Hmm?" Kate jerks as Alexis squeezes her shoulder. It's only then she realizes that she's been sitting at the counter staring at nothing for at least half an hour.

Castle walked to get their dinner, rather than have it delivered. She understands.

"I'm fine," she says automatically. Alexis raises an eyebrow. "Tired," Kate admits.

She feels hollowed out, like their talk on the bench today, her breakdown—like she's used all the emotion she's ever had, and now there's nothing left but exhausted space to fill her chest and her stomach and her head.

"Dad seemed down. Did your check up go okay?"

Kate sighs and considers the teen. They haven't talked yet about what to tell Alexis.

"Yeah," she says. It did. She's fine. She's…well, what she's got won't get any worse, everything in the best order it can be. "It was just rough on him. On us."

Alexis considers her. "You sure?"

Kate nods. She's not doing this without Castle.

"Okay," Alexis says, bobbing her head.

"How are you?" Kate wonders, taking in her slouched posture, her tired eyes.

"Is it crazy to say I feel like the city's too loud, when I've barely been out of the house?" Alexis asks softly.

Kate smiles. She knows the feeling. "Not at all."

"I was fine in LA."

"You were distracted," Kate reminds her.

Alexis frowns. "Yeah. But I'm—I'm shopping, and I should see people, and I have to figure out where my classes all are," she rattles off.

"That's what orientation is for, you know," Kate tells her, reaching out to stall her hand, tapping on the counter. "You don't need to know the campus inside out before you even show up."

Alexis laughs a little. "I know."

"But I'm sure your Dad would be happy to tour it if you wanted."

Alexis smiles. "He offered already."

She's sure he did. "You want to?"

"No," Alexis says, shrugging. "I just—I don't know. I feel okay, you know? I'm sleeping, I'm eating. I'm—Paige even said I looked better at breakfast."

"You saw Paige today?" Kate says, surprised. She hadn't—well, she hasn't been paying enough attention, has she?

Alexis rolls her eyes. "I know you don't like her."

"No, no," Kate says quickly. "No, I just…forgot. I'm sorry. It's—I've been out of it."

Alexis squeezes her hand. "Stop apologizing for recovering. Jeez."

Kate huffs at her. "Fine."

"I'm just," Alexis says, breaking off to look around the loft. "I feel weird."

Kate considers her. "Weird weird, or 'I'm leaving for college in two weeks' weird?"

Alexis giggles. "Both."

Kate smiles and stands up, cracking her back before guiding Alexis over to the living room to plop down on the couch. "I think that's normal."

Alexis fiddles with one of the cushions. "You do?"

"It's a weird time. And we've—it's been a weird few weeks, wouldn't you say?"

Alexis nods slowly. "Is it bad that I want to go back to the Hamptons?" she whispers.

Kate pauses. Bad, no—it's not bad. It might be hiding a little. But she could so go for that—for getting away.

"Sometimes I don't know if I like the city anymore," Alexis whispers.

Kate sighs and reaches out, unsurprised when Alexis curls quietly into her side. "I know the feeling. But you know, it's not New York's fault."

Alexis laughs against her shoulder. "I'm being unfair, I know."

Kate smiles. "No. It takes time, I get it. But there's greatness here too. Your dad is here, and your friends, and your family."

"Yeah," Alexis says, snuggling closer. "But couldn't they be somewhere with a beach, or where it's quiet? It's loud all the time. I don't know why that bothers me now. It never used to."

"It bothers me too," Kate admits.

Today on that bench was the first time she's felt at ease here since, God, long before her shooting. And part of that is certainly Castle, with his strength and solidity there beside her, holding her up, equals and partners. But part of it was looking at the river, and feeling the sun, seeing the beauty in a city that's only beaten her up.

"When you were at your dad's cabin," Alexis begins, her fingers twisting into Kate's loose shirt. "Was it better?"

"The noise?"

"Yeah," Alexis says. "The isolation of it. Did it help?"

Kate hums. "It did. It hurt too, when it was just me. Made me scared of every sound. Maybe if I'd stayed in the city longer I wouldn't have been so jumpy." Alexis sighs and Kate shakes her head. "Maybe if I'd had your dad, I would have been better," she amends. "Hiding myself away helped me get the splintered pieces back, but it made me scared too."

"Do you think if we were all there, it would help?" Alexis whispers.

"You want to go to the cabin?"

God, does _she_ want to go to the cabin? It's haunted with memories, gossamer images of panic attacks and pain. And it's a cabin.

The last time they were at a cabin—

"Conquering fears, right?" Alexis says softly. "I just—it's stupid, forget it."

"Hey, wait," Kate says quickly, holding fast as Alexis goes to pull away. "You want to face that fear? We can do that." She's not sure at all that she can, but she'd try, if Alexis wants to, really wants to.

"I just thought that it might…help. I don't know," Alexis says, looking young and small. "I want to get myself back, and I'm running out of things to try. I don't want to be like this when I get to school."

Kate sighs. "You're getting yourself back every day. But I don't want you to think that if we go to the cabin, and we both manage not to completely crack while we're there, that it's going to magically make everything like before."

"I know," Alexis says quickly. "I know," she repeats, softer now. "But it's something."

"Did you suggest it to Burke?"

Alexis nods slowly. "He agreed, actually."

"Oh." She wouldn't have expected that.

"We don't have to," Alexis adds, unsure. "We really don't. And I understand if you don't want to. I just—I—" she breaks off, and Kate watches her chin tremble.

"I'll go with you," she hears herself saying. "Promise. You wanna ask your dad? He'll have to agree too. All or none."

Alexis nods, squeezing her hands. "Thank you, Kate."

She smiles and leans in to plant a sloppy kiss to the crown of Alexis' head. "Don't thank me yet. You wanna go to a _cabin_ in the _woods_."

Alexis laughs. "Crazy, aren't I?"

"Eh, we're crazy together," Kate decides.

It's strangely appealing, the more and more she sits with it. To reclaim that peace—that solitude—in a cabin that isn't the one they were kept in. This is her cabin. This is her summer home. She can do this. They, can do this. And maybe by doing this they'll both reclaim a feeling of control.

She could do with some control.

(…)

"And you said yes?"

She winces and sinks down onto the bed. "I told her you had to agree. She ambushed me!" He slumps against the dresser and looks over at her. "I'm sorry," she adds. She hadn't meant to…go behind his back or anything. She was just trying to help.

"No," he says, the word a puff of air. "I'm not—I'm not _mad_, I'm just—how can the two of you want to go be in a cabin in the middle of nowhere? I just don't get it."

She smiles at that and pushes herself back to standing, ignoring the slight pull and pain that rush up her stomach. She pads over to him and draws her hands up his arms to rest on his shoulders.

"Alexis thinks it might help, to take that back, conquer it. And I," she pauses, considering him. She can be honest now. It's her privilege now. "I've wanted you there for a year. Taking you and her up there? That's—God, Castle, do you know how much I wanted you there last summer?"

He leans forward to kiss her, his arms banding around her back. "I wanted to be there too. Drove halfway there once, actually."

She frowns, drawing her fingers down his cheek. "I'm sorry."

He shakes his head. "No more. It's over. We're here, we're strong, and we're going to kick ass at PTSD recovery at your dad's cabin?" he peters off, sheepish but convicted in it.

She laughs and lists into him, resting her cheek on his shoulder. "I promise, Castle, for our one-year anniversary, I'm taking you to the beach, and we're going to have lots of uncomplicated, kinky sex and fruity drinks."

He laughs against her ear, squeezing her tight. "Deal." She smiles into his tee shirt. "This has kind of sucked," he admits. She feels herself tensing even as she tries to make herself understand.

He pushes her gently back to get a look at her face. "But I wouldn't change it, Beckett," he continues, giving her a soft, understanding look. "Everything—the abduction, the PTSD, the…fallopian tubes—it's all been terrible and scary and traumatic, but it's you and me. We can make it through anything. Look at us, laughing about it."

She huffs lightly but nods, squeezing his hands as they curve around to grab her smaller ones.

"And if what you guys need is a few days in the woods, then woods you shall have. Your dad got a barbecue?"

Kate nods. "A big one."

"We'll eat, we'll have cocoa. Smores?"

"Of course," she says, completely automatic.

"Then I'm set."

"You're sure?" She's not going to make him do this. It's all or none, like she said.

He considers her for along moment, hands tight around hers. "I'm sure. I promise. We'll make this good."

She knows he doesn't just mean the cabin in the woods. He means them, together—kids, no kids, fertility and empty nesting. They'll be okay.

Kate nods, gripping his hands. "We'll make this good."


	36. Chapter 36

**Unscathed**

* * *

**Chapter 36**

It's a tense drive. All three of them are on edge, snipping about the music and snapping at each other for every little thing. Alexis hates how Castle drums his fingers on the steering wheel. Castle can't stand the way Kate keeps fiddling with her visor. Alexis's little huffs are really getting on Kate's nerves.

All around, they're just not happy today.

But as they come up on the last turn and Kate gives a grunted instruction for Castle to go down the narrow, wooded driveway, she suddenly doesn't care all that much that Alexis is breathing loudly in the backseat. She doesn't care that Castle has been an absurdly prissy driver this time around.

All she can focus on is the steady, over-fast beat of her heart and the winding path full of deep greens and just the faintest hint of yellows and reds.

Absently, she reaches back and feels Alexis grip her hand as they crest the end of the drive and roll into the clearing in front of the modest cabin. Two rooms, a kitchen, a bathroom, a living room, and an enormous porch—it's not much.

She swallows hard, trying to push back the memories of this place last year, and another, different cabin not so long ago. Today is for the present. Today is for the slightly huffy teen in the backseat, and the stoic man beside her. Today is for them, for the three of them as some kind of dysfunctional little family, arguments and bickering included.

She turns and finds Castle already looking back at Alexis, both their faces framed by the headrests as the teen looks between them. She's pale and a little clammy, but she manages a brave smile for them and Kate feels pride swelling in her chest.

"Ready?" Castle asks, his voice soft and deep and that delightful timbre of paternal that melted her frosted heart all those years ago.

"Yeah," Alexis says, nodding before starting to unbuckle.

Kate and Castle follow suit, their eyes meeting for a beat before they all pile out of the car. They can do this. They can take this back, the three of them, together.

Kate takes a deep breath as she steps out of the car, hit by that familiar scent of pine and musk that suffuses the area. It smells damp and earthy, solid and sacred. It rushes over her, the combined peace and terror she felt here last summer. She stutters her breath back out, curling her fingers into her long sweater as she sways in place.

A moment later, a smaller hand slips into her own. She opens her eyes and finds Alexis beside her, her face a mirror of what Kate feels.

"You okay?" Kate whispers.

Alexis nods. "No."

Kate smiles and tugs her close, wrapping her arm around her shoulders. "Together?"

"Together," Alexis agrees.

Kate reaches out for Castle before he can open the trunk. "Grab them later?" she suggests, her palm held open.

He smiles tightly at her and walks over, touching her hand briefly before crossing to stand on Alexis' other side. Kate smiles, proud of him, proud of them both.

"It might smell," she admits as she walks them all forward, their shoes slipping slightly on the muddy path.

The grass is long. No one's been to cut it in months, she can tell. There are leaves on the porch. The stairs creek beneath her feet, familiar and loud against the quiet of the clearing.

"It'll be great," Castle enthuses, his smile now over-wide on his face as she pulls the keys from her pocket.

Her hand shakes, but she manages to get the key in the lock. She laughs a little at herself, feels Alexis squeeze her waist.

Honestly, it's her cabin. There's nothing to be afraid of here.

She turns the knob and pushes the door open, hit at once by a column of stale air. She blinks and stills for just a moment, looks out at the living room, her prison, her salvation.

"It's pretty."

Kate startles at Alexis' voice and pulls them both inside with her.

It is pretty. The door opens on the little living room, with its comfy gray couch and worn brown leather chair, the tables, hearth, and bookshelves bursting with old, well-loved books. The threadbare crocheted rug lays between the dinged coffee table and the fireplace, and she can see the spot where she spilled coffee on it the day after her father left.

She wasn't ready to bend enough to clean it for weeks, giving the stain ample time to set.

She looks to the right and stares into the little kitchen, glad she did the dishes before leaving. Her father has been here, of course, but somehow it feels like time has stood still in this cabin since she left last summer.

"You can take my room," Kate says to Alexis, pointing across the room to the little hallway, bathroom on the left, bedrooms on the right, linen closet at the end. "It's a twin, but it's comfy, and it has the only TV in the house."

Alexis manages a smile for her, staring around, eyes wide.

"We don't get a TV?" Castle grumps, winking at her.

Kate rolls her eyes. "I'm sure we'll manage to entertain ourselves."

"Remember we're sharing a wall, please," Alexis mumbles, causing both of them to laugh.

It breaks the tension and the three of them disengage, finally stretching after the long drive.

"We promise," Kate tells Alexis as Castle continues to snicker and wanders into the kitchen. She's about to mention that they haven't had sex yet since her surgery but clamps down on the comment just in time.

Alexis gives her a look, as if she knows anyway, and then smiles. "It's pretty," she repeats, gesturing at the room. "Cozy."

"Yeah," Kate agrees.

She watches Alexis peruse the room, the kitchen, the little hallway. She notes a flicker of uncertainty pass over her face and reaches out to touch her elbow.

"No basement," she says softly.

Alexis' eyes snap to hers for a moment before her body sags, relief seeping out of her. "I know."

Kate nods decisively. "Good."

Castle appears back from the kitchen and gestures out toward the car. Kate smiles at him, relieved to see his shoulders freer too, some of that tension gone from his frame at seeing the space. She wonders what this must be like for him, united in their search for closure, but separate and with his own demons two summers deep as well.

"You spent summers here?" Alexis asks quietly.

"We did," Kate tells her, guiding her over to the couch to sit down. The girl twists her fingers together as she looks down at the rug.

"Did you get bored?" Alexis wonders. She looks up sheepishly. "I don't mean that we will, but—"

Kate laughs. "Why do you think there's a TV in your room?"

Alexis' eyes widen and it takes her a beat to catch up. Oh, well, it's the kid's room, right? It was Kate's, and now it's Alexis'.

It's not like someone else will ever—she forces the thought back. She and Castle decided they'd talk tonight about how to tell Alexis. She doesn't need to focus on it now.

"Dad taught me how to fish in the lake, and mom taught me to cross country ski in the winters. And it was one of the few times every year when one or both of them wasn't working." Kate adds.

"Right," Alexis says. "It's funny, I've never had a working parent before, you know? I mean dad _works_, but it's not like he has a steady nine-to-five to go to every day. Well, he has you, but that's—" she trails off, shrugging.

"I get it. You're lucky," Kate says honestly. "And not just the millionaire part." Alexis laughs and nods. "He's a great dad."

"Yeah, he is," Alexis agrees.

There's a clatter and Kate turns to find Castle focused very intently on fitting all of their suitcases through the door. She can tell he heard them though by the way he's very consciously not looking at them. Good.

"I used to wish they worked less," Kate admits, turning back to Alexis, letting Castle deal with it on his own. He's the one who just had to pack another suitcase, despite the fact that they're only here for the weekend.

"But then when I was a teenager it felt like they couldn't work enough. Funny how that works."

Alexis shakes her head, looking over at Castle before meeting her eyes. "Not me."

Kate smiles. "That's because you're weird."

Alexis laughs loudly and bumps her shoulder. "Am not."

"Are so too. Valedictorian? Homebody? Please, you are the golden child standard of easy kids," Kate teases, watching as Alexis blushes.

"I can have that rebellious streak now if you want. Binge drink and get a tattoo and stuff."

"No tattoos," Castle says sternly as he finally manages to close the door and set their suitcases along the wall. "If you absolutely have to, let me vet them at least?" he relents.

Alexis' eyes nearly fall out of her head and Kate laughs, delighted. Both of them glare at her and she just laughs harder.

"I wish you could see yourselves," she gets out, wheezing around it. It's not really that funny, but it's so them. Parent vs child, and never quite sure which is which when it's not entirely serious.

"Where did you get yours then?" Alexis asks Kate.

Kate notices Castle stiffen a hair at that. He forgets that Alexis knows her upper body almost as well as he does now, has seen that butterfly on her hip more than once.

"Not where you would get yours," Kate says immediately. Castle laughs, recovering himself.

"Damn straight," he puts in. "Nowhere Madison Queller would go."

"I'm sure she knows very good artists these days," Kate quips back.

"Okay. Nowhere Katie Beckett and Maddie Queller would have gone, then," Castle decides. "You really want a tattoo?" he asks Alexis.

The girl laughs softly. "No, Dad. But thanks for the support."

He smiles wide and walks around to plop down on her other side. "Hey, if you're going to do things to your body you can never undo, the least I can do is help you make good choices about it."

Alexis stares at him then looks back at Kate. "Did you put him up to this?"

Kate laughs and nudges Alexis. "Nope."

"Pod father," Alexis says as Castle just laughs. "Too cool, dad."

He grins. "Never thought I'd hear that."

"I never thought you'd approve of a tattoo!"

He shrugs. "I don't. But you're eighteen. I can't stop you. I'd rather you ask for help than make those decisions all on your own now just because legally you can, you know?"

Alexis slumps back into the couch, nodding slowly. "Well, thanks."

"As for binge drinking, it's so not worth it," Kate says, watching as Castle nods emphatically. "You only enjoy it for like an hour, and then you vomit for about twelve."

"Or you steal police horses naked?" Alexis asks, looking over at her father.

"I have never said I was a paragon of propriety," Castle says quickly. Alexis laughs. "But don't do that. You have no idea where the horse has been, and then years later some cop will use it as fodder to torture you with for years and years."

"Ooh, so he approves of me shadowing someone then? There's a cute uniform at the precinct named David, can you give me his number?" Alexis asks, and Kate marvels as how quick witted she is sometimes.

Castle looks like he's about to swallow his own tongue though.

"He's not smart enough for you," Kate says with a solemn shake of her head. "Sorry."

Alexis rolls her eyes. "Seriously? That's a little shallow, Kate"

Kate laughs. "He's sweet, but I don't think you'd have much in common. He's got smarts, but he's not big on books, and really into sports."

"Who is this guy?" Castle butts in.

"That kid with the muscles who talks basket ball with Espo," Kate offers. Castle shakes his head. "I don't know when you'd have met him. He works the late shift, and you're usually home by then."

Castle frowns at her. "Is this guy even real?"

"Oh, he's real," Alexis mumbles.

Castle raises an eyebrow at Kate and she smiles. She could do worse. Kate doesn't think they'd be soul mates—too little in common. But she could do worse. He's a very sweet kid, just nineteen now.

"There will be boys at college," Castle says, before clamping his mouth shut.

Alexis just grins. "You're right. I should wait, bag a senior."

Castle gives a put-upon sigh and stands up. "I'm going to make cocoa."

Kate and Alexis laugh as he stomps toward the kitchen, all bluster and no bite.

"Are you really into David?" Kate asks, looking back at Alexis.

The girl shrugs. "He's sweet. I'm not—I leave for college in a week and a half, I'm not gonna start anything now. But he's sweet."

"And easy on the eyes?"

"Yeah," the girl agrees with a slight blush. "Lanie thinks so too."

Kate laughs. "Lanie's a dog sometimes. She's got Espo."

"What, so no one else will ever be hot because you have dad?" Alexis prods, smirking at her. The nerve.

"Oh please. I get that firefighter's calendar just like you. David's just young. He's a baby."

"He's older than me!"

"You're a baby."

"Hey," Alexis grumbles, shoving at her. "Am not."

"You can't even drink legally. I'll give you toddler."

Alexis huffs and Kate laughs, tossing her arm over the teen's shoulder even as she pouts. Alexis may be the most mature young woman she's ever met. But she's still young, and little, and so not ready to be taken for a ride by a womanizing young uniform, no matter how hot he looks without a shirt on.

Wow. Maybe she is the dog here.

"He's got great arms," Alexis says softly, a little dreamy.

Kate giggles and Alexis joins in, the two of them sniggering together as Castle rolls his eyes in the kitchen.

(…)

"You okay?"

She shivers as he runs his hands down her arms, chest pressing to her back while she looks at the room. His bag is by the window, his pajamas laid out on the bed. He's laid hers out too, along with their phone chargers.

"Yeah," she says, swallowing hard at the tightness in her own voice.

She is. She's fine. She can lie down in that bed and sleep peacefully, Castle beside her. She won't wake in excruciating pain, unable to even get herself out of bed for water to soothe her scratching raw throat.

"It's lovely, the cabin," Castle adds, wrapping his arms around her, his lips pressing against the side of her head.

"It is," Kate agrees. "Quiet."

"Very," he says, squeezing her lightly. "You sure you're okay?"

She sighs and turns in his arms, ripping her eyes from the bed to find his face instead. He smiles at her, soft and ready to comfort, and she wishes she didn't need it so much.

"I'm tired," she admits.

"We can just sleep. I know we were going to talk about Alexis and…well, but we can just sleep."

"No," she says quickly. She doesn't want to put this off anymore. "No. I meant, I'm tired, but I'm worried I'll go to sleep and wake up and not be all…here." "Flashbacks?" he asks, looking so god damned understanding and supportive.

"Yes," she says, hears her voice is harder now.

"That's okay."

"I know," she bites out. His eyebrows raise and she winces. "I know," she repeats. "Sorry, I'm—I don't know, Castle. I'm scared, I think."

He nods slowly. "That's—" he pauses and blows out a breath, before leaning in to kiss her. It's long, and slow, sweet, and she melts, that irritation with herself and her situation and her deep need for the quiet compassion on Castle's face falling away.

"You want to share a shower?" he asks as they pull apart.

She laughs and he grins at her, eyebrows dancing. "If you want to talk infertility in the shower, sure," she says, glad that he keeps smiling through it.

"I don't know. Naked Beckett makes everything better. Why not?"

She rolls her eyes but allows him to strip her out of her clothes and wrap her in the big fluffy robe she had no idea he owned. He leads her across the little hall, their fingers locked together. She can see the light still on in Alexis' room and makes sure to flip on the bathroom fan to muffle their voices.

She watches as he fiddles with the taps, holding out a hand to test the water as the pipes creak and groan around them. The fan rattles, wheezing rather than steadily beating, but it's enough. It'll drown out anything they say, at any rate.

She gets distracted from her thoughts as Castle removes his robe. He's handsome and naked and she finds herself staring long enough that he barks out a laugh.

"Come on, Kate," he says, crooking a finger as he steps over the edge of the tub. He holds the shower curtain for her as she shrugs out of her own robe.

She ignores the twinge in her stomach as she lifts her leg over the lip of the tub, that tiny little pull that reminds her she's definitely not ready for shower acrobatics just yet.

"Hey," he says as she gets in and tucks the shower curtain tight to the wall.

"Hi," she mumbles, letting him tug her under the spray.

She breathes out a sigh of relief to find the water hot. There was a week over the summer when the water heater went on the fritz. It certainly didn't help the phantom pains and the tightness of her skin then. She's sure it wouldn't help now.

But thankfully, it's blissfully hot and steamy now, and with Castle there to shuffle around, she doesn't quite have the brain space to think on those ghosts. They shampoo in tandem, taking turns to rinse for a few quiet minutes before she works up her nerve.

"So—"

"I thought—"

They laugh a bit awkwardly and blink at each other under wet fringe.

"She's your kid," Kate gets out, shrugging a little. "What do you want to do?"

He considers her for a beat, reaching out to tuck a wet strand of hair behind her ear. "You're seriously trying to pull the 'my kid' card?"

She blinks. "But—"

"They'd have been my kids, right?" he asks, his voice gentle, eyes insistent.

She feels off kilter—was so ready to let go and let him make this choice. She wanted to give him that, to let him fix this. She wanted him to fix it. Selfish of her, really. But she had hoped he'd just…know what to do.

"Yeah, they would," she whispers.

"You'll still be here in a few years."

"Yeah, I will," she says quickly.

"So we get to do this painful thing together then," he decides with a tired smile.

She nods slowly. Together. "Okay. Together. Any suggestions on how to broach the subject with her?"

"Charades?"

"Castle," she says, whacking his chest. Her hand on his peck produces a loud, wet slap and they both wince.

"I don't know. We just tell her?"

"I was hoping for more than just, 'Hey, remember when we escaped from the basement and Tyson crushed my hips? Well, I can't have kids now. Your dad knows and he's a champ. Let's have smores,' Rick."

He gapes for a second, swallowing hard before wiping the shock off his face. "Uh."'

She groans and leans forward, knocking her head against his clavicle. "Do we even have to tell her?"

"She'll kill us if we don't," he mumbles, arms wrapping around her.

"I don't want to tell her," she admits, pressing close. "If we don't," she begins.

"Then it's not real," he finishes for her, nodding against the crown of her head. "But it is."

"Yeah," she says, pulling back to look up at him. "Should we do it here? Just..finish this?"

"Finish what?"

"The cabin, the abduction, the shooting, the trauma. Get it all out, be miserable, and start fresh when we go home?"

His eyes widen as she ticks things off, his hands clenching around her forearms. "Kate," he says.

"I want this to be over. I want it to be over," she repeats, closing her eyes. "I just—I want us to just be happy, Castle. Can we just be happy?"

She opens her eyes to find him nodding at her, leaning close to wrap her up again, nearly lifting her off her feet.

"We'll be happy. Telling Alexis might not do that immediately, but we'll be happy, Kate. I promise you. We'll be happy and healthy and in love for the rest of forever."

"How bad will this be?" she asks, pulling back to meet his eyes. "On a scale of, ah—"

"We're getting divorced to I changed the cable package?"

Kate winces. "Sorry. I'm being dramatic."

"No," he says with a shrug. "Not dramatic. You're still here. I think that's what she'll care about. Siblings? That would be great, but you're the important piece here."

"You too, Castle," she says quickly. Without him, none of this would exist.

He smiles and trails a hand along her back, winding around to stroke lightly at the surgical scar on her stomach. She's proud to think that she barely notices it, that it doesn't stand out among the…others.

"A lot worse than infertility could have come out of this, Kate, and you not coming out of it was a big possibility, given what you guys have told me."

"I was never in that much—"

"Yes, you were," he says firmly and she sighs, nodding. He's right. "And I think that for Alexis, you being here with us is much more important than us getting pregnant someday."

"I guess," Kate mumbles. She hopes so. But she doesn't know.

"That's how I feel," he adds, his hand curving around her hip. "I wanted kids with you. I wanted to see you pregnant, but God, Kate, having you here with us is so much more important. And you're here, and you're going to be just fine, that's all that matters."

Kate meets his eyes. "I keep telling myself that, but I'm—" she breaks off and curls closer, burying her face in his shoulder, unable to articulate it. Of course it could have been worse, she knows that. Alexis definitely knows that, so does Castle.

But this is still terrible too, and she wants it over.

It is over, but it still hurts. There's no more 'over' to get to. This is it. This is life now, and she doesn't quite know how to wrap her head around that.

"I love you."

She pulls back and meets his eyes, blinking against tears. "I love you too."

He smiles, and she sees the sadness behind it clear as day. "We'll get there."

She wishes there were here now.

(…)

"Daddy?"

He blinks his eyes open, confused. It's dim, no ambient light out the window. It's cold too, and the mattress is harder than he expects it to be.

The cabin, with Kate and Alexis. And Alexis is—

Oh.

"Pumpkin, you okay?" he mumbles, sitting up gingerly, aware of Kate sleeping peacefully behind him. If they can, if Alexis doesn't need her, he'd like to keep her that way.

"Sorry," Alexis whispers, and he finally takes her in, shivering by the side of the bed, hair mussed and face splotchy.

"Bad dream?" he asks, swinging his legs out of bed so he can stand up and hug her. She may be bigger, but she curls into him the same way she used to when she was a little girl.

"Yeah," she says into his chest.

"Come on, I'll tuck you in," he says, pulling away to guide her out of the room before they wake Kate—so he's just focused on his baby.

He leads her out into the hall, his feet freezing on the cold wood floor. They walk back into Alexis room and he smiles at the nightlight by the bedside. It was Kate's idea to bring it, a whim he thought kind of silly at the time. But the minute Alexis turned off the lights she popped out of her room and asked if they had anything. His daughter is not little Katie Beckett, and he's proud of her for it—for knowing when to ask for help. Like now, as he snuggles her back into Kate's old bed, he can see how scared she is, how much it must have taken for her to get out of bed at all to come get him.

"Want to tell me about it?" he asks gently, smiling tiredly at her, his heart tugging at the familiar tableau of her little and scared in her bed.

"I was here all alone," she says softly, looking down at her hands. "But it wasn't here, it was the—I was alone there. Tyson was dead, but Kate wasn't there. I don't know where she was, or if she was dead too, but I couldn't find her. And I couldn't make a call to get you, and I just…sat there, for what felt like hours."

He frowns. It's less outwardly terrifying, more lonely, and somehow that feels worse.

"And I woke up, and I thought maybe I was here alone too," she finishes with a shrug. "I don't—it wasn't scary I just—I needed—"

"I get it," Castle says. "Oh, honey, I get it." She nods and sighs, settling in. "Can I get you some warm milk or anything?"

She shakes her head. "Can you just stay for a little while?"

"Of course," he says, smiling as she slides down to lie flat, curls her body around his hip, Monkey-Bunky appearing from beneath the covers.

He rubs her back, watches as she slowly slips back to sleep, needing nothing more than having him close to ward off the nightmare. It hits him then that she came for him, not for Kate—wanted him even here in the cabin that must remind her so much of the other.

He smiles, feeling like a little piece of his broken heart has come back. She still needs him, still wants him. She has more lately, time having healed some wounds, having made her less dependent on Kate's presence.

She's still his little girl.

She's his only little girl. She may be the only little girl he ever has, and she's leaving in a little over a week. No amount of telling himself she's just heading up the island seems to make it easier to imagine.

He slumps, still rubbing his daughter's back. She's his only little girl. And she's leaving. He thought—well, it wouldn't make it any easier for her to go now, but he thought someday there'd be more little hands and feet and needing little hearts. He thought he'd get another chance at all of it.

Even when he didn't have Kate, even when he was alone, somehow, he always thought there might be another chance, another round of parenthood. He wanted to know what it would be like to do it _with_ someone else.

He wanted another chance with a pregnancy. He wanted the chance to be the right kind of partner then. He tried with Meredith, he did. But he didn't know how, not really. With Kate—he would have done backflips, would have—

He sighs and notes that Alexis has fallen asleep, her breathing easy and even. He could go back to bed, could wrap himself around Kate and bury his sadness in her hair, take solace in her heartbeat.

Instead, he watches Alexis sleep and feels himself slowly cracking.

He wanted more. He wanted that future. He wanted another chance, another kid. He wanted.

"Castle?"

He heaves in air, surprised to find himself weeping silently over his sleeping teenage daughter. Surprised further to find Kate beside him, her hand on his shoulder, rising to comb through his hair.

Fuck. He didn't mean to let her find him like this. He didn't mean to do this at all. It's fine. It's fine, and he has them both, and that's _enough_.

"Babe."

He shakes his head, stands swiftly and turns away, scrubbing at his face. She doesn't need to see this. She's doing so well. He wants her happy and working through it, not sinking down with him.

But she wraps herself around his back, arching on her toes to kiss the back of his neck. He takes a shuddering breath and turns in her embrace, curling around her.

"I'm sorry," he says against her ear, his voice as wet as his face.

"Don't be," she says, squeezing hard against him. "Don't be."

He pulls back after a long moment, glad at least to find her face dry. "I—she's leaving," he offers.

Kate smiles sadly. "I know."

"And I—I don't know. I'm sad about that, and so sad about," he trails off.

She nods and they both turn to look down at Alexis, who's uncurled and now lies spread-eagle on her stomach, mouth open, deep in sleep.

"Monkey-Bunky," Kate offers.

He chuckles. "He wards off monsters."

"Of course he does," she says, and it sounds like maybe she believes it.

She would be such a good mother.

"Come back to bed?"

"Did we wake you?" he wonders as he lets her gently guide him out of the room, watches as she does some trick with the doorknob so it doesn't click.

"No," she says, her hand tangled with his as they pad back down the hall. "Weird dream."

He sighs. He—there's never enough of him.

"I'm fine," she insists, smiling at him. "Don't worry, Castle. Weird, not bad."

"Okay," he mumbles. Better than nothing, he supposes.

He climbs into bed and settles against the headboard, watches as Kate curls up beside him, a yawn splitting her face. She waits, sleepy and open.

"It feels worse that she's leaving, knowing we won't have…another one," he offers after a long pause.

She nods and he feels himself relax. "We wouldn't have had one anyway right now, but I—I understand."

"It's not like it makes it easier to let her go, but somehow it's just—more," he says, shrugging. "It's stupid."

"Not stupid," she insists, scooting closer to take his hand. "I got a summer with her. It doesn't feel like enough. You have a whole lifetime of her, I get it."

"By that logic it should be harder for you," he says.

Her face falls a bit and he blows out a breath. "She's your daughter, Rick. It will always be harder for you."

He studies her, unsure of what to say. She is—Alexis is _his_ kid, that's true. But what Alexis and Kate have is complicated, and messy, and important too.

"I want to make this easy on you," she continues and he blanches. "I mean—not the—her leaving. I don't want to be in the way."

"Don't let Alexis hear you say that," he says immediately and she huffs. "Seriously, Kate."

"I—between us, Rick."

He shakes his head. "You're not."

"But if I start—"

"You won't," he says clearly, reaching out to cup her cheek, making sure she's watching him. "You don't. We—before—I didn't know how to help, and I think I took some of that out on you, because I didn't know how to ask for help with it. But now? Kate, I don't want to do this without you."

"Castle," she says, eyes a little shiny now.

He takes a deep breath, hopes it's the right way to say it, to show her. "If we don't ever have kids—however we would have them—then she's your last kid too," he says slowly. "And it's not the same, but what the two of you have? It's special, and I don't want you to change any of it for me because you think you have to pay homage to the time I had with her before you."

She stares for a long beat before moving, wrapping her arms around him, climbing into his lap to kiss him, her hands moving to frame his face.

"Thank you," she says, her voice very tight. "That's—that you would share her—I love you," she whispers.

He smiles and lets his hands rest on her hips, squeezing. "What's mine is yours, kid and all, Beckett." Her eyes widen and he smiles. "Not—not officially yet, but someday. We have that someday, right?"

Her smile is beautiful as she nods at him. She leans in and kisses him, her thumbs stroking at his face as she pulls back, "Yes."


End file.
